December, 2011
December 3rd, 2011, 5:37 p.m. - "I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen"
The Amazing Race - "Release the Brake!": At least once every season, we get a reminder that driving is one of the most important parts of the race. You can be the fastest runner, the strongest lifter, the smartest puzzle-solver, etc., but if you drive your car an hour out of the way, you can't use those skills to get back that lost time. So farewell, Bill and Cathi. You were fun, but you went the wrong way. Rating: 4 waffles
Homeland - "Crossfire": They really couldn't have telegraphed that kid's death any more than they did, huh? A rare misstep for the season. Rating: 3 soccer balls
House - "Perils of Paranoia": See what happens when you don't get vaccinated? Take that, anti-vaccine obsessors. Rating: 3 guns
Glee - "I Kissed a Girl": I'm glad Santana said what she did after Kurt and Blaine's song, because...seriously. Did they forget who they were singing to? The girls' performance of "I Kissed a Girl" in the hallway was a much better idea. Rating: 3 fraudulent ballots
Ringer - "That's What You Get for Trying to Kill Me": Was Charlie/John a really bad hitman or was Gemma just temporarily superhuman? I guess we'll never know. Also, shut up, Juliet. Rating: 4 black-eye-giving medicine cabinets
Survivor - "Cult Like": I can't say I'm sorry about Cochran being ousted. I was never a huge fan. Thought it would have been pretty awesome if everyone had just said, "Screw it" and voted out Brandon. Rating: 3 massages
America's Next Top Model - "Tyson Beckford": Laura's gone?? So sad. And there's no way Allison's going to win this. If Angelea doesn't, I'll be really surprised. Rating: 4 cans of whipped cream
Top Chef - "Don't Be Tardy for the Dinner Party": Interesting editing - Chuy was barely in this episode, yet he was the one eliminated. Likewise, Paul was barely in the episode, but he won the challenge. That's not a complaint: I like it when the results aren't telegraphed. Rating: 4 Vienna sausages
The Office - "Mrs. California": I love Maura Tierney and her adorable haircut. Almost as much as I loved Jim trying to run away. Rating: 5 shoes lost by Jim
December 4th, 2011, 9:51 p.m. - One of my favorite titles ever
"Amani, a Plan, a Canal, Panama"
December 11th, 2011, 5:42 p.m. - "O symmetry, o symmetry..."
The Amazing Race - "We Are Charlie Chaplin": I definitely didn't see Andy and Tommy's elimination coming. It just shows again that driving the wrong way can really screw things up. I predict Cindy and Ernie will win, but I'm rooting for Amani and Marcus. Rating: 4 non-tattoo tattoos
Homeland - "Representative Brody": Just two more episodes! I have no idea where things are going. I have a feeling Carrie will go into the next season still not knowing that Brody can't be trusted. Or she'll suspect that's true and will go back to being the only one who thinks so while Brody's a hero. Whatever happens, I'm really glad I started watching this show. Rating: 4 briefcase bombs
How I Met Your Mother - "Symphony of Illumination": Oh, whatever. Stop messing with us, show. Rating: 3 light shows set to "Highway to Hell"
Glee - "Hold on to Sixteen": A good, solid episode. Even with the whole Mike's-father-supports-him-now thing. I didn't realize until they start performing that there were only two girls left in New Directions, Quinn and Tina. So that's another reason to disband the Trouble Tones and bring them back. Rating: 4 insults Santana directed toward Sam in 30 seconds
Survivor - "Ticking Time Bomb": Is Coach going to win this season? He would kind of deserve it if he did. I'm rooting for Sophie, though. She's had to put up with a lot of craziness this season, so I think she's earned it. Rating: 3 crazy people in the Hantz family
America's Next Top Model - "All-Star Finale": So now that the whole DQ situation has been discussed, I can't believe Angelea was the original winner. Tyra clearly plays favorites. (A shocking revelation, I know.) A disappointing ending to a mostly good season. Rating: 3 more coats of eyeshadow than anyone should wear
Modern Family - "Express Christmas": A lot of the comedy in this episode was broad, but I can't say I didn't laugh. A lot. Probably more than I should have. Whatever, it's Christmas, the season of joy. Rating: 5 decapitated angels
Top Chef - "Higher Steaks": Heather turned into a jerk so quickly I didn't even notice. Shut up, Heather. Rating: 4 slowly prepared shrimp
The Big Bang Theory - "The Speckerman Recurrence": While I like Leonard, the episodes that focus on him aren't as strong as other episodes. This plot didn't work for him. I did enjoy the subplot with Penny, Amy, and Bernadette raiding the clothing donations, though. Rating: 3 pairs of 3D glasses
The Office - "Christmas Wishes": Meh. Jim and Dwight were funny, to an extent, and I enjoyed drunk Erin, but the rest was...meh. Rating: 3 defaced pictures
10:58 p.m. - Oh, okay
December 14th, 2011, 11:05 p.m. - Why did it take me longer to read this than 11/22/63?
31. The Tiger's Wife (Tea Obreht)
Up next: Legend (Marie Lu)
December 17th, 2011, 4:31 p.m. - It's God's will for me to write all of this
The Amazing Race - "Go Out and Get It Done": Eh. I guess I'm okay with the ending. I'm not NOT okay with it. Rating: 4 ill-advised trips to furniture stores
Homeland - "The Vest": Sorry, other potential Emmy nominees for lead actress in a drama. Claire Danes will be taking that one home. Rating: 5 rainbow-coded sheets of notes
Glee - "Extraordinary Merry Christmas": What was that? No, really, what the heck was that? So cheesy, I wondered if I needed to find some crackers. Rating: 2 pairs of earrings Rachel didn't deserve in a million years
Survivor - "Then There Were Five": So much has already been said about what a dumb move Brandon made (some of it by me), but it should be obvious to the remaining players that trust is no longer playing a part in the game. Which means a finale with a bunch of people from an original alliance is going to get really messy. And that means it should be really good. Rating: 4 pizzas
Top Chef - "Game On": Wow, show, way to make me root for Heather to STAY because I didn't want Beverly to go. You suck, Heather. I hope you get coal in your stocking. Rating: 4 failed sweet-potato links
December 18th, 2011, 10:26 p.m. - You have no idea how happy I am that I got to use this title
December 22nd, 2011, 10:44 p.m. - Ken Leung as Thomas, please
32. Legend (Marie Lu)
Up next: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (Mindy Kaling)
December 24th, 2011, 3:23 p.m. - No Christmas episodes? Sad
Survivor - "Loyalties Will Be Broken": Yay, Sophie! You were the least annoying person left! Rating: 4 bitter jurors
Homeland - "Marine One": I have two problems with the finale. One, the previews from the previous week showed Walker and Brody meeting, so when he was about to detonate the bomb before we saw that meeting, it was obvious that it couldn't go off. Two, they don't appear to be portraying electroconvulsive therapy accurately. But other than that, good stuff. Rating: 4 well-timed phone calls from Dana
Top Chef - "Tribute Dinner": Yay, Heather's gone! Also, Chris C. and Lindsay are totally sleeping together, yes? Rating: 3 pieces of bacon
December 27th, 2011, 9:42 p.m. - Who wouldn't want to hang out with Mindy Kaling?
33. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (Mindy Kaling)
Up next: Ready Player One (Ernest Cline)
December 31st, 2011, 1:52 p.m. - Year-end book wrap-up!
The best: Mary Roach's Packing for Mars, Tina Fey's Bossypants, Ben Ryder Howe's My Korean Deli, Stephen King's 11/22/63, Marie Lu's Legend
The worst: Nicole Krauss' Great House, Karen Russell's Swamplandia!
Book that Entertainment Weekly named one of the ten best that I disagreed with the most: Karen Russell's Swamplandia!
Best returns to form: Kevin Brockmeier's The Illumination
Books that most lived up to their hype: Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus
Books that least lived up to their hype: Karen Russell's Swamplandia!
Book I was looking forward to that didn't disappoint: Stephen King's 11/22/63
Book I was looking forward to that really disappointed: Megan McCafferty's Bumped
Good book, good title: Mary Roach's Packing for Mars
Good book, bad title: Linwood Barclay's Never Look Away, Joseph Finder's Buried Secrets
Bad book, good title: Megan McCafferty's Bumped
Bad book, bad title: Nicole Krauss' Great House
Books I'm most looking forward to in 2012: A.J. Jacobs' Drop Dead Healthy, Justin Cronin's The Twelve
And now, the books I read in 2011 and what I learned from them:
1. Legos can save your life. (What the Night Knows, Dean Koontz)
Beautifully written, though the Slavic names threw me at some points. I can see why Obreht has gotten so much praise. Nothing makes you feel less productive than reading a bio that starts, "Tea Obreht was born in 1985."
There will be the inevitable comparisons to The Hunger Games, but Legend is about both sides of the battle in a dystopian future. Instead of just Katniss, we get Day, the Republic's most notorious criminal (who happens to be 15), and June, the Republic's most esteemed warrior (who also happens to be 15), who's being prepared for a career defending her nation. Both are equally likable and both make you want to root for them. Oh, and both make you really impatient for the sequel.
If Tina Fey is your awesome aunt who you'll never be as cool as, Mindy Kaling is your fun cousin who takes you shopping and talks about boys with you. If I ever find out that she's not as cool as she comes across in this book, I'll cry.
2. Jesus is a desk. I think. Something like that. (Great House, Nicole Krauss)
3. A divining rod is called a virgula divina. (The Diviner's Tale, Bradford Morrow)
4. The rule about not dating anyone younger than half your age plus seven years is also known as the Creep Equation. (The Illumination, Kevin Brockmeier)
5. Nikita Kruschev gave the Kennedys a puppy from Strelka, one of the first animals to go into orbit. The White House had the dog examined for listening devices. (Packing for Mars, Mary Roach)
6. A person's a person, no matter how small. (Sing You Home, Jodi Picoult)
7. When he died, Thomas Edison was working on a device to communicate with the dead. (Spook, Mary Roach)
8. An alligator can close its jaws with the strength of a guillotine. (Swamplandia!, Karen Russell)
9. Tina Fey didn't want Sarah Palin to appear on SNL because she thought the audience would boo her. (Bossypants, Tina Fey)
10. Marijuana plants die when they're exposed to light. (Heads You Lose, Lisa Lutz and David Hayward)
11. A wingding is just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo. (Another Whole Nother Story, Dr. Cuthbert Soup)
12. AIDS will be cured by 2036. (Bumped, Megan McCafferty)
13. One trick to speaking without a stutter is to first translate what you want to say into another language. (It, Stephen King)
14. Everyone loves meth. (Shine, Lauren Myracle)
15. There are about a million people of Korean heritage living in the United States. (My Korean Deli, Ben Ryder Howe)
16. Bayer was the first company to manufacture heroin. They lost the trademark rights in the Treaty of Versailles. (Fallen, Karin Slaughter)
17. Don't trust anyone who takes Xanax... (Come and Find Me, Hallie Ephron)
18. ...Or anyone from Iowa. (Dominance, Will Lavender)
19. No substance reflects or refracts light the way a diamond does. (Never Look Away, Linwood Barclay)
20. "Fireproof" really means "fire-lessening." (The Family Fang, Kevin Wilson)
21. Belvedere Castle in Central Park is a nature observatory and museum. (Close Your Eyes, Amanda Eyre Ward)
22. The technical name for the fight-or-flight response is tachypsychia. (Vanished, Joseph Finder)
23. In some cultures, owls are symbols of death. (Buried Secrets, Joseph Finder)
24. Buying counterfeit purses finances organized crime. (The Accident, Linwood Barclay)
25. Beware men in gray suits. (The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern)
26. Teenage girls are messed up. (The End of Everything, Megan Abbott)
27. MTA buses have cameras on them so people can't claim they were onboard during a crash and try to sue. (The Most Dangerous Thing, Laura Lippman)
28. Don't build forts out of boxes. (20th Century Ghosts, Joe Hill)
29. Electroconvulsive therapy can trigger bipolar tendencies. (The Rules of the Tunnel, Ned Zeman)
30. Lee Harvey Oswald tried to kill a general the spring before he killed JFK. A friend spotted his gun in his closet and jokingly asked if he had been the shooter. (11/22/63, Stephen King)
31. If someone asks to see the grounds in the bottom of your coffee cup, RUN. (The Tiger's Wife, Tea Obreht)
32. In the future, people of different classes will tie different kinds of knots. (Legend, Marie Lu)
33. The street where the The Office is filmed also features a junkyard, a gun-parts warehouse, and lots of drag-racing. (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Mindy Kaling)