December, 2013
December 2nd, 2013, 2:02 p.m. - Alone in the world's most populous country
50. Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven (Susan Jane Gilman)
Up next: Beyond Belief (Susan Tive and Cami Ostman)
December 8th, 2013, 4:17 p.m. - "They're not superstitions if they work." "That sounds science-y"
The Amazing Race - "Cobra in My Teeth": If only this were an elimination leg. I really need Leo and Jamal off my TV. Rating: 4 eggs
Homeland - "Good Night": I almost subtracted a point for the unnecessary gum-chewing. Thanks a lot, writers. Rating: 5 of whatever it was they killed and ate at the border
How I Met Your Mother - "The Rehearsal Dinner": The last few minutes were sweet, but most of this episode was unmemorable. Still, it was better than a lot of the rest of the season. Rating: 3 fake famous Canadian people
Survivor - "Rustle Feathers": It might have worked if Hayden had kept his mouth shut. Nice job, Hayden. Rating: 4 root beer floats
Modern Family - "The Big Game": Luke was awesome in this episode. I like that they've gotten away from him being so dumb. Instead, his parents are the dumb ones. Rating: 4 mugs with Claire's picture on them
Top Chef - "Restaurant Wars": THANK GOD. Sara was so snotty at judging. I would have cut her just for her attitude. You screwed up! Just admit it! Rating: 3 blobs of purple gel
The Big Bang Theory - "The Discovery Dissipation": I've already forgotten everything about this episode. Oh, wait, Wil Wheaton was in it. That was all right. Rating: 3 dinners cooked by Raj
Grey's Anatomy - "Man on the Moon": Please tell me April and Matthew aren't really going to get married. It's time for someone to get left at the altar. It's been a few seasons since we've done that. Rating: 3 pens used for emergency procedures
Scandal - "YOLO": Oh, Sally. No wonder you and Billy got along so well. Rating: 4 molars
December 10th, 2013, 7:54 p.m. - Good idea, poor execution
51. Beyond Belief (Susan Tive and Cami Ostman)
Up next: A House in the Sky (Amanda Lindhout and Sara Corbett)
December 14th, 2013, 2:26 p.m. - "You'll never use this thing in the garage – it's too drafty." "That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy – to avoid the draft!"
The Amazing Race - "Amazing 'Crazy' Race": Totally acceptable ending. Unfortunately, I'll have to put up with Leo and Jamal again next season. And I won't be calling it an all-star season, because...have you seen the list of racers? Please. Rating: 4 totem poles
Homeland - "Big Man in Tehran": They're setting it up for Brody to die, aren't they? I think it's time. The show needs to move in another direction. Rating: 5 ashtrays
Survivor - "Out on a Limb": Now THAT is a comeback. Good on you, Ciera. You probably aren't going to win, but that was great work in that immunity challenge. Rating: 3 keys
Modern Family - "The Old Man & the Tree": Alex and Haley's plot had me rolling. Also, yay, Dylan! Rating: 5 saws that Manny will need to keep Joe away from
Top Chef - "Like Mama Made": Thank you for finally cutting Travis. But is it just me or has this season been on FOREVER? Rating: 4 undercooked biscuits
The Big Bang Theory - "The Cooper Extraction": A clever twist on the overdone It's a Wonderful Life takeoff. But they really need to stop making jokes about Stuart's suicidal leanings. Rating: 3 pictures of a homebirth
Grey's Anatomy - "Get Up, Stand Up": FINALLY. Thank you, Jackson. You gave us a great cliffhanger to go out on. And thank you, show, for getting around to mentioning that Shane was semi-responsible for Heather's death but hasn't said anything about it for four months. Rating: 4 calls from the president (and how badly did everyone want to hear Tony Goldwyn's voice on that phone?)
Scandal - "A Door Marked Exit": Extra Christmas presents to Joe Morton, and to everyone who put together the opening Sally/Daniel scene. YOU ARE A BOY, FITZ! Someone get him Legos for Christmas. Rating: 5 tracking devices to replace teeth
December 21st, 2013, 2:16 p.m. - Survival of the smartest
52. A House in the Sky (Amanda Lindhout)
Up next: The Shining Girls (Lauren Beukes)
December 22nd, 2013, 12:53 p.m. - "I'm so glad I didn't detonate your mother"
Homeland - "The Star": This was an anticlimactic ending to a season I liked more than most people did. All I could think was, "I delayed watching the Psych musical episode for this." Rating: 3 Sharpies used for acts of vandalism, Carrie
Psych - "Psych: The Musical": Of all the shows that have done musical episodes, this was probably the best suited to it. It just didn't seem weird for all the characters to break into song. I'm just said that Yang is gone. But I loved seeing Mary. Mary is the best. Rating: 4 rewritten scripts
How I Met Your Mother - "Bass Player Wanted": Yay, Marshall's finally in Northampton! And the mother is cool! Let's hope the rest of the season picks up a little. Rating: 3 glasses of scotch
Top Chef - "Giving It the College Try": Thank God Justin's gone. "I didn't want to cook down to them." Yeah, I'm sure they appreciate that. College students don't eat that sort of food. They eat pizza and burgers and fries. Moron. Rating: 4 pieces of broccoli that were also a bad choice, other Carrie
December 27th, 2013, 6:33 p.m. - Shine bright like a diamond
53. The Shining Girls (Lauren Beukes)
Up next: A Year of Biblical Womanhood (Rachel Held Evans)
December 30th, 2013, 4:46 p.m. - A woman of valor
54. A Year of Biblical Womanhood (Rachel Held Evans)
Up next: A Tale for the Time Being (Ruth Ozeki)
December 31st, 2013, 2:33 p.m. - I read 54 books this year! How the heck did I do that??
No, seriously – some of them were really freaking long.
The best: Teddy Wayne's The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, Joe Hill's NOS4A2, Chuck Klosterman's I Wear the Black Hat, Susan Jane Gilman's Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven
The worst: Heather Gudenkauf's One Breath Away
Book that Entertainment Weekly named one of the ten best that I disagreed with the most: None, for once
Favorite characters: Ford Watts (Three Graves Full), Jake Fisher (Six Years), Scorcher Kennedy (Broken Harbor), Vic McQueen (NOS4A2), James Hobart (The Goldfinch), Boris Pavlikovsky (The Goldfinch), Kirby Mazrachi (The Shining Girls)
Least favorite character: Winn Van Meter (Seating Arrangements)
Book that most lived up to its hype: Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch
Book that least lived up to its hype: Kate Atkinson's Life After Life
Book I was looking forward to that didn't disappoint: Joe Hill's NOS4A2
Book I was looking forward to that really disappointed: Marisha Pessl's Night Film
Good book, good title: Susan Jane Gilman's Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven
Good book, bad title: Rachel Held Evans' A Year of Biblical Womanhood
Bad book, good title: N/A
Bad book, bad title: Heidi Gudenkauf's One Breath Away
Books I'm most looking forward to in 2014: Jodi Picoult's Leaving Time, Karin Slaughter's Cop Town, whatever's next from Lisa Lutz
Here's everything I read and what I learned:
1. I learned not to read any more of Heather Gudenkauf's books. (One Breath Away, Heather Gudenkauf)
One of the best books I read this year. (And apparently I read 50, which is crazy.) It's one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction stories. Now I want to read more about travel and China.
The book's subtitle is "The Secret Lives of Women in Extreme Religions," but the editors took a lot of liberties with the word "extreme." I think they started this book with one theme idea, and it evolved into something else. I wish they'd kept the first theme.
In 2008, Lindhout and a friend, Nigel Brennan, were kidnapped in Somalia and held for ransom for 15 months. While Brennan was given some advantages because he was male, Lindhout was raped, tortured, and starved. What's more impressive than her physical survival was how she was able to last emotionally and mentally. In fact, I think her intelligence got her through. By pretending to convert to Islam, she was able to endear herself to her captors and study the Koran to determine whether their treatment of her was appropriate or inappropriate in their faith. Lindhout must have struggled to tell her story, but her capacity for survival and forgiveness is inspirational.
I tried The Shining Girls a few months ago but couldn't get into it. I decided to give it another shot, and I can't say I regret finishing it, but it wasn't as great as all the reviews I've read say it is. It's a nice twist on a typical serial killer story – this one can travel through time – but I felt like Beukes could have done more with it.
It's like if A.J. Jacobs had done his Year of Living Biblically as a woman. Now you get to have that fun picture in your head.
2. Female lobsters are called hens. (Seating Arrangements, Maggie Shipstead)
3. Mountains can kill you with sulfur gas. (Abandon, Blake Crouch)
4. Anxiety is the most prevalent mental disorder in the U.S. (Monkey Mind, Daniel Smith)
5. Worldwide, Mormons outnumber Jews. (Under the Banner of Heaven, Jon Krakauer)
6. While Elvis was dating Peggy Lipton, she tried to get him interested in Scientology. Elvis immediately recognized that the group just wanted his money. (Inside Scientology, Janet Reitman)
7. John Travolta's private plane was used on at least one occasion to recover a Scientologist who had attempted to leave the organization. (Going Clear, Lawrence Wright)
8. If your family gets Raptured, the government might give you money. (The Leftovers, Tom Perrotta)
9. After the concentration camps were liberated, Holocaust survivors were allowed to travel anywhere in Europe for free. (The Storyteller, Jodi Picoult)
10. Westboro Baptist Church has fewer than 100 members. (Banished, Lauren Drain)
11. One of the lesser-known side effects of pregnancy is the loss of allergies. (Cover of Snow, Jenny Milchman)
12. If you have vertigo, spit to find out which way is up. (Three Graves Full, Jamie Mason)
13. Never work for an HMO. (Pretty in Plaid, Jen Lancaster)
14. Wine glasses are supposed to be held by the stem because if you hold the bowl, your fingers could change the temperature of the wine. (My Fair Lazy, Jen Lancaster)
15. The largest compartment of a cow's stomach can hold 30 gallons. (Gulp, Mary Roach)
16. Cyanide can make your mouth foam. (Six Years, Harlan Coben)
17. There is no death penalty in Ireland. (Broken Harbor, Tana French)
18. An elote is an ear of corn flavored with mayo, lemon juice, and spices. (Such a Pretty Fat, Jen Lancaster)
19. In Chicago, working with a real-estate broker is free. (Bright Lights, Big A%#, Jen Lancaster)
20. In some countries, including the U.S., it's illegal to own a taxidermied owl. (Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, David Sedaris)
21. Waardenburg syndrome can cause eyes and hair to change color. (Reconstructing Amelia, Kimberly McCreight)
22. The tempo of "Billie Jean" is 117 beats per minute. (The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, Teddy Wayne)
23. Citric acid is sometimes used to preserve blood samples taken at autopsies. (The Innocence Game, Michael Harvey)
24. In the U.S., it's illegal for the gearshift to be on the right side of a motorcycle. (NOS4A2, Joe Hill)
25. Bill Rancic was once Jen Lancaster's landlord. (Bitter is the New Black, Jen Lancaster)
26. Vaseline can help cats with digestion. (Jeneration X, Jen Lancaster)
27. The word "hobo" comes from their meeting place between Houston and Bowery Streets in New York. (Dad is Fat, Jim Gaffigan)
28. The Eiffel Tower is repainted every seven years. (And the Mountains Echoed, Khaled Hosseini)
29. The government considers anyone with a quarter blood from one tribe a Native American. (The Round House, Louise Erdrich)
30. In 2002, ABBA was offered $1 billion to reunite. (Eating the Dinosaur, Chuck Klosterman)
31. I learned how to disappear and not get found, and what NOT to do if I need to disappear. (The Shadow Tracer, Meg Gardiner)
32. You can make toffee with only four ingredients – brown sugar, butter, chocolate, and nuts. (The Tao of Martha, Jen Lancaster)
33. In his first term, Bill Clinton's approval rating was 50%. After his impeachment, it was 73%. (I Wear the Black Hat, Chuck Klosterman)
34. There are seven lines palm-readers look at: lifeline, heartline, headline, loveline, sunline, fateline, and healthline. (Joyland, Stephen King)
35. I learned a good joke about a caterpillar. (Unseen, Karin Slaughter)
36. You can buy tear gas without any kind of special permit or permission. LOTS of tear gas. (The Last Word, Lisa Lutz)
37. There was a girls' version of Hitler Youth. (Life After Life, Kate Atkinson)
38. Aisha Tyler majored in political science at Dartmouth. (Self-Inflicted Wounds, Aisha Tyler)
39. Jimson weed is super-poisonous. (Night Film, Marisha Pessl)
40. Rafael Trujillo made his son Ramfis a colonel when he was four and a brigadier general when he was nine. (The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz)
41. Crack wasn't called crack until the mid-'80s. (The Fortress of Solitude, Jonathan Lethem)
42. Having a crush is also known as being in limerence. (Kiss Me First, Lottie Moggach)
43. In any given year, 20% of people with schizophrenia are homeless. (Far from the Tree, Andrew Solomon)
44. A writer once suggested that Lewis Carroll was Jack the Ripper. (The Red Queen Dies, Frankie Y. Bailey)
45. Geraldo Rivera used to commute to Fox's studios in a speedboat. (An Atheist in the FOXhole, Joe Muto)
46. Secret Service agents sometimes investigate financial crimes. (Pines, Blake Crouch)
47. A Greek fleet delayed sailing in fourth century B.C. because someone sneezed. (The Secret History, Donna Tartt)
48. Only 20 percent of art crimes are solved. (The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt)
49. Children of alcoholics are four times more likely to become hoarders. (Coming Clean, Kimberly Rae Miller)
50. The Forbidden City has 9,999.5 rooms because 10,000 is a number of "divine perfection," and Heaven on Earth is impossible. (Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven, Susan Jane Gilman)
51. On the Sabbath, Orthodox Jews don't tear anything. (Beyond Belief, Susan Tive and Cami Ostman)
52. There are two versions of Eid, one to commemorate the end of Ramadan and one to honor Abraham's willingness to sacrifice Isaac. (A House in the Sky, Amanda Lindhout)
53. In the early '70s, there was an underground abortion service called the Jane Collective. (The Shining Girls, Lauren Beukes)
54. Challah bread gets its name from the portion of dough separated from the rest and burned as an offering, not from the loaf itself. (A Year of Biblical Womanhood, Rachel Held Evans)