February, 2012



February 1st, 2012, 9:39 p.m. - No Portlandia jokes here. Stay away, Fred Armisen

"Born This Way"


February 2nd, 2012, 9:52 p.m. - Seriously meh

"Missouri Loves Company"


February 5th, 2012, 2:08 p.m. - I laughed so hard at Alex's Buddy Holly glasses, I gave myself a headache

House - "Runaways": I thought there would be some big shock at the end, but...no, nothing. How disappointing. Rating: 3 magazines

Glee - "Michael": I question a few of the song choices, and the whole thing about them not turning Sebastian in for ASSAULT, which is a CRIME for which he should be PUNISHED, was dumb, but overall, I really liked this episode. Now can we shut up about Finn and Rachel? Rating: 4 pieces of rock salt that should get Sebastian PUT IN JAIL

Ringer - "It Just Got Normal": While watching Glee just before this episode, I thought, Everyone should have a dad like Burt. And while watching this episode, I thought, Everyone should have a stepmother like Bridget. Rating: 4 punches to Mr. Carpenter's face

American Idol - Portland and St. Louis auditions: Hollywood, you can't come fast enough. Rating: 3 plants

Top Chef - "Bike, Borrow & Steal": Watching Paul Reubens stay in character for the entire episode was really weird. The elimination challenge was interesting, but I don't really like anyone left in the competition except Paul, who I'm mostly just neutral on. Here's hoping Grayson makes it back next week. Rating: 4 over-easy eggs Ed cooked for a B&B

The Big Bang Theory - "The Friendship Contraction": The guys are at their best when Sheldon is at his wackiest. But this episode raises a good question: Why, exactly, are they all friends with him? Rating: 4 lightsabers

The Office - "Jury Duty": Oh, no. Dwight reproduced. I fear for the future. Rating: 4 "child's" drawings

Grey's Anatomy - "If/Then": So fun! Interesting, though, that if Ellis had been healthy, Callie would have wound up even hotter than she is. Also: McDreary. Heeeeee hee hee. Rating: 5 little pink twinsets


February 8th, 2012, 9:53 p.m. - Ack!

"'Medic, Please'"


February 10th, 2012, 8:45 a.m. - Dear Alisha: You crazy

"Save the Drama for Your Stage Mama"


February 11th, 2012, 12:42 p.m. - "On behalf of all women, it's not going to happen. We had a meeting"

House - "Nobody's Fault": A nice attempt at something new, but it fell flat. Maybe it was Chase's soap opera-ish paralysis, or the investigator's refusal to hold House accountable for anything. I can't say I'm that sorry that the show will be ending this season. On the plus side, SARK! Rating: 3 scalpels

How I Met Your Mother - "The Burning Beekeeper": Also a nice attempt at something new, and also not a complete success. I think it's time for Mickey to leave, yes? Rating: 3 wheels of gouda

Glee - "The Spanish Teacher": I'll say this for Glee: They're good at creating likable characters. And now we'll probably never see Dave again. Rating: 4 pamphlets

Ringer - "What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?": How in the world does this show manage to have a cliffhanger every week? I should stop questioning it and just enjoy it. Another thing to enjoy: Sean Patrick Thomas and his reunion with his Cruel Intentions co-star. Rating: 5 fake passports

American Idol - Hollywood week, parts 1 and 2: Well, the first episode was actually compelling, but the second was an almost total waste of time. I don't have high hopes for the four hours airing next week. (Kill me now.) Rating: 3 illnesses from Patient Zero

Modern Family - "Me? Jealous?": Usually the show does three stories a week; this week they did four, and it didn't quite work. The Haley/Alex plot especially didn't get developed enough. But Greg Kinnear was cast perfectly, the Jay/Mitchell interactions were fun, and I always love Cam and Gloria together. Rating: 4 kisses

Top Chef - "Mentors": Hey, everyone? Shut up about how you don't think Beverly should be there. The fact is that she's there, and she made it to the final four, and you can just deal with it. Rating: 4 product-placed cars

The Big Bang Theory - "The Vacation Solution": If I come away from an episode of this show with four or five memorable, quotable lines, I consider it a good episode. Rating: 4 petri dishes Sheldon failed to wash adequately

The Office - "Special Project": The episode started out a little weak, but I was happy by the end. I really liked Dwight realizing that the group he wound up with wasn't as bad as he'd expected. But I'm with Meredith: Why is Kathy still there? Rating: 4 brownies with walnuts that Kevin will fight through his allergy to

Grey's Anatomy - "All You Need Is Love": Poor Lexie, having to spend Valentine's Day with her exes. On the other hand, cute babies! Rating: 3 love letters written by ten-year-olds


2:54 p.m. - Rock on, Coco

4. Random Family (Adrian Nicole LeBlanc)
Read this book and you will never again complain about how little you have. At least you're not raising five kids in the projects with zero money.

Up next: The Mirage (Matt Ruff)


February 15th, 2012, 10:57 p.m. - Oh, Reed. I might love you a little

"'There's No Reason to Be Nervous'"


February 19th, 2012, 2:32 p.m. - Of course Mr. Carpenter is evil. He's Logan Echolls!

How I Met Your Mother - "The Drunk Train": No, Ted. You do not love Robin. Not like that. Trust me on this. Rating: 3 Freudian slips involving engagements

Glee - "Heart": Meh episode, but I loved Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell. And Sugar is turning out to be kind of awesome. Rating: 3 gorilla costumes

Ringer - "It's Easy to Cry, When This Much Cash Is Involved": I definitely didn't see the Juliet/Mr. Carpenter/Tessa twist coming. Very nicely done. Everything else was kind of meh, though. Rating: 3 keys

American Idol - Hollywood week, parts 3 and 4: They wound up with a pretty talented group of singers. I'm not sure I can handle Reed for an entire season, but I'm willing to try. Rating: 4 ridiculous cuts made after people had already earned a spot in the next round

Survivor - "Two Tribes, One Camp, No Rules": Is this the prettiest group we've ever seen? I think it might be. Rating: 3 stolen axes

Modern Family - "Aunt Mommy": Nothing really got resolved here. Maybe they're going to continue some of this stuff? Phil accidentally selling the house cracked me up, as did his, Claire, Mitchell, and Cam's drunken dinner party. We need more of that. Rating: 4 scream-inducing mash-ups of Cam and Mitchell's faces

Top Chef - "Culinary Games": Why make the chefs jump through all those hoops? And why are they dragging out the finals so much? Just give Paul the title already. Rating: 3 blocks of ice

The Big Bang Theory - "The Rothman Disintegration": The plot with the painting was a sitcom trope that a) needs to be retired and b) probably has never happened to anyone outside of a TV show. But that was my only problem with the episode. Rating: 4 basketballs

The Office - "Tallahassee": Vacation Stanley and receptionist Andy are awesome. And look at Erin, learning stuff! Rating: 4 Famous Amos cookies

Grey's Anatomy - "Have You Seen Me Lately?": Another meh episode. I don't care about Derek's sister. Rating: 3 meat grinders


9:58 p.m. - I presume you are familiar with the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber?

"Running Around, Trying Everything New"


February 22nd, 2012, 11:02 p.m. - In which Jessica Sanchez brings the Celine Dion

"Killing Me Softly"


February 25th, 2012, 1:37 p.m. - "Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive"

The Amazing Race - "Tears of a Clown": Two things: 1) Please get Rachel off of my TV as quickly as humanly possible. 2) How do you not learn to drive stick before going on a show where the majority of the driving you do will be stick? Rating: 3 empanadas

How I Met Your Mother - "No Pressure": Oy. Look, show, we know Robin isn't the mother. You told us that in the very first episode. I know that was a few years ago, but it's pretty important and you shouldn't forget it. Also important and shouldn't be forgotten: THIS SHOW IS CALLED HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. TELL US HOW TED MET THE KIDS' MOTHER. Sheesh. Rating: 3 bets

Degrassi - "Underneath It All": Congratulations, show, you made me...well, not like Imogen. You made me stop hating her and start hating Katie. (I already pretty much hated Marisol.) You're also kind of ruining Clare, so watch it. Rating: 3 pieces of tinfoil

Glee - "On My Way": The beginning was chilling. The ending was predictable. The middle parts were eh. Points for a big cliffhanger just before a long hiatus, though. Rating: 3 heavy-handed lessons about bullying and not texting while driving

Ringer - "Whores Don't Make That Much": This is the first episode that I didn't really enjoy. The "twist" about Catherine being the mastermind behind Juliet's scam wasn't really that twisty. I also guessed the cause for Siobhan and Bridget's rift about eight episodes ago. Rating: 3 mattresses

American Idol - Final judgments and reveal of the semi-finalists: Yes, announcing 24 names clearly necessitated three hours. Also, if Richie or Johnny comes back, I'll be super ticked. Rating: 3 singers who didn't get enough screen time for us to know what they're like

Survivor - "Total Dysfunction": Poor voting choices? Yep, this is definitely Survivor. Rating: 3 tarps

Modern Family - "Virgin Territory": Aww, Phil is kind of a cool dad. So is Jay. I hope they make that line of dolls a recurring plot point, because that was awesome. Rating: 4 Tupperware lids

Top Chef - "Fire and Ice": Really, Sarah's in the finals? Really? I don't get it. Rating: 3 times I almost dozed off during this dull, dull episode

The Big Bang Theory - "The Werewolf Transformation": This was Sheldon at his best - totally over the top and barely realizing it. And I will never not love Amy's harp rendition of "Wanted Dead or Alive." Rating: 4 pairs of Howard's underwear (ew, sorry)

The Office - "After Hours": Sometimes I wonder why I still watch this show. This was one of those episodes where I wondered. Rating: 3 fictional bedbugs

Grey's Anatomy - "If Only You Were Lonely": Alex is totally going to hook up with Morgan, right? Good thing he likes babies. Rating: 3 cappuccinos


11:13 p.m. - Interesting concept, but the execution didn't quite work for me

5. The Mirage (Matt Ruff)
The Mirage takes place in a world where Christian fundamentalists orchestrated a terrorist attack on Baghdad on 11/9/2001. This makes America the enemy and the United Arab States the heroes. Definitely a controversial and intriguing idea from Ruff. But at times I felt like he didn't know what kind of book he wanted to write. There are actual laugh-out-loud moments (example: Dick Cheney's counterpart is called the Quail Hunter). So...A for effort, but I'm not sure I would read anything else by Ruff.

Up next: Trail of the Spellmans (Lisa Lutz)


February 26th, 2012, 9:52 p.m. - I haven't bothered to tell Rachel to shut up because I know once I do, I'll never stop

"The Sun Also Rises"


February 28th, 2012, 10:47 p.m. - I'm already dreading...everything. Just everything

"I've Been Waiting for This Moment"


February 29th, 2012, 10:43 p.m. - Skylar, you are too cute

"One and Only?"



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