General Hospital characters, places, companies, and events

Updated 1/17


CHARACTERS WHO ARE HERE WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT:

MICHAEL “SONNY” CORINTHOS, JR. (played by Maurice Benard) – Why not start with Mr. I’m-the-Center-of-the-Universe? Sonny moved to Port Charles, New York in the early ‘90s and quickly became one of the most powerful men in town. He’ll deny it if asked, but he’s a mob boss with a long list of enemies. He uses a coffee business as a front and hasn’t done a lot of mob stuff recently, but still. Sonny’s father left when he was young and his mother remarried an abusive cop, leaving him with childhood trauma and bipolar disorder. Sonny is a serial monogamist whose past girlfriends/wives include Connie Falconeri, Brenda Barrett, and Sam Morgan. He also had flings with Olivia Falconeri, Alexis Davis, and Ava Jerome that resulted in three of his four children (that he knows of). His current wife is Carly Corinthos; they’re on something like their sixth marriage to each other. Sonny’s greatest desires are to not be arrested by son Dante Falconeri; keep children Michael Corinthos III, Kristina Corinthos Davis, and Avery Jerome (Corinthos? I don’t even know) safe; and make it through the day without fighting with Carly.

CAROLINE “CARLY” CORINTHOS (Laura Wright) – Carly (real name: Caroline Benson) first arrived in Port Charles using her dead best friend’s name and seeking revenge on her birth mother, Bobbie Spencer. Poor little Carly grew up in a trailer park in Florida and wanted to get back at her mother for giving her up for adoption. Her notorious acts include stealing her own stepfather from her mother, drugging A.J. Quartermaine and putting him in a laundry cart, and telling everyone Jason Morgan was her son Michael’s father when she wasn’t sure who it really was. She somehow wound up with Sonny, who adopted Michael, and had Morgan with him. After that fell apart, she hooked up with one of Sonny’s enemies, Jax Jacks, which left her with a daughter, Josslyn, and the Metro Court Hotel. After that, she dated Johnny Zacchara and had a brief fling with Todd Manning, both of which ended when they lied to her. For some reason even Carly doesn’t understand, she hooked up with Franco Baldwin and almost married him. He called things off when he found out she’d cheated on him with Sonny. Carly and Sonny are currently remarried, but knowing them, it won’t last for lone.

JASON MORGAN (Billy Miller) – Once upon a time, Jason was a Quartermaine, the good son who wanted to become a doctor like his parents. Then he suffered brain damage in a car accident caused by his brother A.J. (or possibly from a drug given to him by a crazy psychiatrist A.J. hired to kill him). He emerged from a coma with memory loss, ditched medical school and his family, and became Sonny’s best friend/second-in-command/servant/whipping boy/doormat. He slept with Carly, dated Robin Scorpio, and had a fling with Elizabeth Webber that led to a child, Jake, and the fictional premise that they were meant for each other, or something. Jason eventually settled down with Sam and was just about to raise their son Danny with her when he was kidnapped and presumed dead. Two years later, he returned to town with amnesia (for the third time!) and in need of reconstructive surgery that changed his entire face. Oh, and Helena was using mind control to make him commit crimes. After months of using the alias Jake Doe, with only Nikolas Cassadine and Elizabeth aware of his true identity, Jason learned who he was, dumped Elizabeth, and went back to Sam. His memory is now back, he’s left the mob, and they’re expecting their second child, which means something bad is probably right around the corner.

SAMANTHA “SAM” MORGAN (Kelly Monaco) – Raised by people who didn’t really like her, Sam didn’t learn she was adopted until she was an adult (and even then, it was from her brother Danny, not one of her parents). She was shocked to learn that her birth mother was Alexis, a woman she didn’t get along with. Sam first came to Port Charles as a love interest for Jax, then moved on to Sonny (who fathered her stillborn daughter) and ultimately wound up with Jason. After some on-and-off stuff, Sam and Jason were about to finally be happy when Franco showed up. Long story short, Sam got pregnant, didn’t know who the baby’s father was, almost hooked up with a cop, and thought Danny was dead for months before she got him back. (Heather Webber and Todd Manning gave him to Todd’s ex, Tea, letting Sam believe Tea’s deceased baby was really hers). Then, when Sam and Jason were about to be happy AGAIN, he supposedly died. Oh, and then Danny got cancer. (He’s okay now.) Sam moved on with Silas Clay and Patrick Drake, but is now back with Jason. Her hobbies include avoiding her father, Julian Jerome; sharing secrets with her sisters, Kristina and Molly Lansing Davis; and being an awesome PI.

ALEXIS DAVIS (Nancy Lee Grahn) – Alexis was raised as a distant Cassadine relative and didn’t discover until she was an adult that her father was Cassadine patriarch Mikkos. Her real name is Natasha, but only Luke Spencer and Helena Cassadine called her that. As a teenager, Alexis placed a baby for adoption, then coincidentally wound up living in the same town as her now-grown daughter, Sam. She went on to have two more daughters – Kristina, with Sonny, and Molly, with Sonny’s brother, Ric Lansing. Alexis had a long-term relationship with Ned Ashton but couldn’t commit. Instead, she fake-married Jax, who she still calls her favorite ex-husband. Other poor relationship choices include Ric (who cheated on her with Sam) and Jerry Jacks, who tried to kill her kids. Alexis eventually got back with Julian, Sam’s father, but then he murdered people and tried to kill her, so she got the heck out of there. Alexis currently spends most of her time drinking and glaring at Julian.

MICHAEL CORINTHOS III (Chad Duell) – Named for Sonny, Michael was originally raised by Jason after postpartum depression left Carly unable to take care of him. In fact, everyone thought Jason was his father. When A.J. found out he was the real dad, he nursed a grudge against Carly and Sonny (Michael’s adoptive father) that led him to kidnap Michael and fake his death. Michael later spent a year in a coma after being shot in the head by a sniper aiming for Sonny. The night his sister Josslyn was born, Michael stopped her from being abducted by accidentally killing her kidnapper, Claudia Zacchara. Even though it was clear he was acting in Carly and Josslyn’s defense, he was sent to prison, where he was raped. Michael overcame the trauma with help from his girlfriend Abby, who was then killed. When his biological father came back into the picture, Michael developed a relationship with him, despite Sonny and Carly’s protests. Sonny ended up killing A.J. and keeping that from Michael, who was furious when he found out. He reacted by cutting pretty much everyone out of his life, denouncing the Corinthoses, becoming a true Quartermaine, taking over ELQ, and winning a custody battle to raise AVERY. After a few months of grumping around, Michael calmed down, with help from Sabrina Santiago, and got into an on-and-off relationship with her. Just before he proposed, she was murdered. Then his brother Morgan died. In a nutshell, Michael has had a really rough life and probably needs a hug.

NELLE HAYES (Chloe Lanier) – All we really know about Nelle is that she (involuntarily) donated a kidney to Josslyn Jacks some years ago. Now she seems to want to destroy Carly’s life, as evidenced by the time she drugged Sonny and pretended they slept together. For all we know, Nelle isn’t even her real name.

DANTE FALCONERI (Dominic Zamprogna) – Dante first came to town as a junior mobster who wanted to work for Sonny. In actuality, he was a) an undercover cop, b) Olivia’s son, and c) fathered by Sonny, who never knew he existed. Often a moral compass (at least until he cheated on Lulu), Dante is torn between family ties and being a good police officer.

LESLEY LU “LULU” SPENCER (Emme Rylan) – Lulu is the daughter of super-couple Luke and Laura. Her bout with SORAS left her bitter about her childhood; she claims Luke was never around but we have video evidence to the contrary. She once had a major crush on her then-stepbrother Dillon Quartermaine, and even managed to steal him from his girlfriend, Georgie Jones, long enough for a romp in the sack (well, a romp in the Quartermaine boathouse). It ended with an abortion and lots of tears. Lulu also had a long relationship with Johnny, and here’s your reminder that he also dated her mother-in-law, Olivia. She’s now married to Dante, the father of her son, Rocco, though his affair with her cousin (!), Valerie Spencer, nearly ruined their marriage. Lulu recently discovered that she has a daughter, Charlotte Cassadine, thanks to modern science, surrogacy, and years of Valentin Cassadine’s lies. Lulu runs the Haunted Star , a club on a yacht, but we never see her there.

LAURA SPENCER (Genie Francis) – Laura was half of the soap super-couple Luke and Laura, which fell apart because someone behind the scenes was a jerk and Genie Francis was smart enough not to put up with her. Laura married her childhood sweetheart, Scott Baldwin, but he couldn’t really compete with Luke, even after Luke raped Laura. Despite being cursed on their wedding day by Helena, Luke and Laura spent a good 20+ years married to each other, and raised children Lulu and Lucky together. Bumps in the road included the fact that Laura had a son, Nikolas, and never mentioned him to her husband; her being the object of Stefan Cassadine’s affections/obsessions; and an illness that left Laura catatonic for years at a time. Now healthy and back in Port Charles indefinitely, Laura has started dating Kevin Collins.

JULIAN JEROME (William DeVry) – Julian, his father Victor (not Cassadine), and his sister Olivia (not Falconeri) were a big mob presence on Port Charles in the ‘80s and early ‘90s. Julian was presumed dead but resurfaced years later with a new face and name. He was surprised to learn that his one-night stand with Alexis produced a daughter, and that another relationship produced a son, Lucas Jones. Julian was previously desperate to take over Port Charles and destroy the Corinthos organization, but now spends his days following the orders of a mysterious boss and trying to convince Alexis that he didn’t really mean it when he tried to kill her.

AVA JEROME (Maura West) – Ava had daughter Kiki Jerome with Silas but never told him about her. Instead, she told Franco he was Kiki’s father, then never let him see her. She’s an art dealer with a penchant for stirring up trouble and sleeping with younger men, including her daughter’s boyfriend. Ava tried to take over Port Charles with her brother, Julian, but was sidetracked with an arrest (for murdering Connie) and a jailbreak. While playing dead, she was diagnosed with cancer, entering remission only after a bone marrow transplant from Avery. When Ava returned to Port Charles, it was as her non-existent sister, Denise. Amazingly, people fell for that. Also, she slept with Morgan AGAIN, as her own fake sister. When the truth came out, Ava only avoided prison time for Connie’s murder because the flash drive containing her confession disappeared, thanks to Paul Hornsby. In exchange for her freedom, Ava was forced to do mobby stuff for Paul. When not battling Sonny and Carly over Avery, Ava likes to switch people’s bipolar medications and then pretend she didn’t after they end up dead during a manic episode.

LAUREN “KIKI” JEROME (Hayley Erin) – Ava’s daughter Kiki grew up thinking her father was Franco. He wasn’t. He was actually Silas, which was nice, because Silas was normal. (Kiki still hangs out with Franco, though.) Unbeknownst to Kiki, Ava set things in motion so she would get into a relationship with Morgan. It didn’t work out the way Ava planned, and Kiki wound up falling for Michael. When that fell apart, Kiki and Morgan got close again, but it was always heading for an inevitable disaster. He died just before she was going to break up for him, which made it harder for her to move on with her new love interest, Dillon.

DILLON QUARTERMAINE (Robert Palmer Watkins) – Dillon was once one of the more entertaining characters before he left to entertain people on another soap. He and Georgie dated for a long time and eventually got married because Dillon was dying. Then he didn’t die. Then he cheated on her with Lulu, who got pregnant. Dillon left town to do movie stuff, and when he came back, he was kind of annoying and served no purpose. He tried to fulfill his dream of making a movie, but he ran out of money and was more interested in ending Lulu and Dante’s marriage so he could have Lulu anyway. Now he works for Crimson and is slightly less annoying, though I’m not sure his mother, Tracy, agrees. Dillon’s father is Paul, but he probably doesn’t want to talk about that.

TRACY QUARTERMAINE (Jane Elliot) – Edward Quartermaine was always disappointed that his son Alan didn’t join the family business, ELQ, but daughter Tracy was eager to fill his spot. She’s ruthless, controlling, and willing to break the law to get what she wants – or, if that can’t happen, prevent her enemies from getting what they want. Her sons, Ned and Dillon, vacillate between supporting her and avoiding her. A brief marriage to Gino Soleito (which ended when she had him killed) gave her money she used to revive ELQ. That crime cost her the chance to maintain control of ELQ – and, more importantly, keep it away from nephew A.J. – and it took her a long time to get it back. Her two least favorite people in the world are ex-husbands Paul and Larry Ashton. (She’s probably not that happy with her other ex, Luke, either.) A health crisis in 2016 made Tracy kind of a nicer person, which is weird but fun.

HAMILTON FINN (Michael Easton) – Silas’ lookalike has a service lizard named Roxie, a dead wife, and what looks like an addiction to the medication he took to prolong his own life for years. Finn is, no joke, Easton’s fourth role on this show.

HAYDEN BARNES (Rebecca Budig) – When Hayden first came to Port Charles, it was as Jason’s wife, which the audience knew was impossible. It turned out she was working with Ric to keep Elizabeth and Jason apart. Hayden almost paid for her meddling with her life, but ultimately won over her would-be assassin, Nikolas. She convinced him to marry him for business purposes, but considered using his hit on her to blackmail him. Hayden was then revealed to be Rachel Berlin, daughter of the notorious Raymond Berlin (think Bernie Madoff). But then it turned out that Raymond wasn’t her father – Jeff Webber was, making her Elizabeth’s sister. Neither is too happy about that. The good news is that Hayden and Finn are finally together, in a match that’s both surprising and delightful.

ELIZABETH WEBBER (Rebecca Herbst) – Upon her arrival in Port Charles in the ‘90s, Elizabeth was the bad-girl alternative to her goody-two-shoes sister Sarah. She managed to steal the spotlight from Sarah, who subsequently disappeared, and overhauled her image after dealing with the trauma of a sexual assault. Elizabeth and her high school sweetheart Lucky were on and off for years; he always took her back, even after she got pregnant (with sons Cameron and Jake) by two other guys (Zander and Jason, respectively), cheated on him WITH HIS BROTHER NIKOLAS, got pregnant with son Aiden, and didn’t tell Lucky he was the father. I let her behavior slide for a while after Jake “died,” but then she meddled in Jason and Sam’s lives and all bets were off. Elizabeth is a nurse despite only spending a month in nursing school. After a brief fling with A.J. and some on-and-off nonsense with ex-husband Ric, Elizabeth turned her attentions to Jason without even realizing that he was her ex. Once she learned who he was, she kept his identity secret until she was busted. Elizabeth bonded with Franco over their mutual status as town pariah, and when that turned into a relationship, the audience went, “Huh?”

ROBERT “FRANCO” FRANK BALDWIN (Roger Howarth) – Franco first came to the show in the form of James Franco, and was a serial killer/artist. He believed he was Jason’s twin brother but lived to make him miserable. It turned out that his parents were Heather and Scott, which almost makes me feel sorry for him. After years of murdering, fake-raping, and various other horrible deeds, Franco was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was conveniently to blame for all his sins. (It probably wasn’t.) He mostly behaved until Carly cheated on him, then went back to his wicked ways. Now he’s an art therapist at General Hospital, and determined to be a good person, especially if it means Elizabeth will be with him.

MAXIE JONES (Kirsten Storms) – Maxie’s life could be its own soap opera. As a child, she suffered from a heart condition and received a transplant from her cousin. Her father, Frisco, left when she was young and didn’t keep in touch. Then her mother, Felicia, took off as well, leaving Maxie and her younger sister Georgie in the care of their stepfather, Mac Scorpio. Maxie rebelled as a teenager, focusing her sights on Lucky, who was married to Elizabeth. She was so determined to break them up that she enabled Lucky’s prescription-drug addiction, got him into bed, and claimed to be pregnant with his child. Once she realized she didn’t want to be that kind of person, Maxie mellowed into a somewhat flighty fashion lover who happened to fall in love with a geek, Damian Spinelli. Maxie agreed to be a surrogate for best friend Lulu but miscarried the baby. Soon after, she slept with Spinelli and got pregnant again, this time with Spinelli’s baby. She kept quiet (and got her roommate/Spinelli’s girlfriend Ellie Trout to keep quiet, too), but eventually the truth came out, almost ruining Maxie’s friendship with Lulu. After a custody disaster over Lil’ Georgie and a whole different kind of disaster with a bad boyfriend named Levi, Maxie was able to find love with Nathan West…about five minutes before Spinelli declared his love for her. A round of musical partners ensued, but Maxie and Nathan ended up back together. Then we found out he was married to a woman named Claudette Beaulieu and never told Maxie, which almost ruined that relationship. Maxie and Nathan are now back together and engaged, but he’s still married to Claudette, who happens to be missing. No one’s happy about it.

NATHAN WEST (Ryan Paevey) – Born James Nathan Reeves, Nathan came to town to investigate whether Silas was responsible for his wife/Nathan’s sister Nina Reeves’ coma. He wasn’t, but Madeline Reeves (Nathan and Nina’s mother) was. Except Madeline wasn’t really Nathan’s mother – she was his aunt. His real mother is Liesl Obrecht, who claims that his father is Victor Cassadine, a lie. Nathan is mostly awesome, but lying about Claudette sure didn’t help.

NINA REEVES (Michelle Stafford) – Nina spent 20 years in a coma, thanks to Madeline, so she’s not too up on pop culture. Psychological problems led Nina to force Ava into early labor and kidnap her child, the icing on the cake of a months-long campaign to get revenge on anyone who had ever wronged her. She landed in a psychiatric facility and was deemed cured, but she faked a relapse to hang out with Franco. When that relationship went south, Nina actually got awesome for a while, running Crimson magazine and telling Julian where to go. A fling with Valentin led her to a whirlwind courtship that recently ended in marriage, as Nina hopes to help Valentin keep Lulu from getting custody of their daughter, Charlotte.

VALENTIN CASSADINE (James Patrick Stuart) – Rumors of Valentin’s evildoings circulated in the family for years, but he only recently proved to be a real person. The result of one of Mikkos Cassadine’s many affairs, he spent his childhood in an English boarding school, outcast from his family. At some point it seems he popped up at the World Securities Bureau (the WSB) and had a run-in with Anna Devane. Upon learning that Helena planned to use one of Lulu’s eggs to create a child fathered by her (presumably) dead son Stavros, Valentin stole the egg and fathered the child himself. Now he and Lulu are preparing to battle each other for custody of Charlotte.

ANNA DEVANE (Finola Hughes) – On and off the show since the ‘80s, Anna is a former spy turned federal agent turned spy again. Two of her husbands – Robert Scorpio and Duke Lavery – were presumed dead at various times, as was Anna herself. Anna served as Port Charles’ police commissioner before a rigged election cost her her job. A reunion with Duke almost led to them leaving town together, but that plan went out the window when Duke was killed by Carlos Rivera. Anna’s two goals now are to take down Julian, who gave Carlos the order to kill Duke, and figure out why Valentin is so familiar.

JORDAN ASHFORD (Vinessa Antoine) – Jordan supposedly spent two years in prison after being busted for selling drugs. In actuality, she was working undercover as a DEA agent. She continued her undercover assignment when she first came to town, but off the books on a mission for Anna, attempting to bring down mobsters. She claims that son T.J.’s father is Thomas Ashford, but it’s really Shawn Butler, her ex who’s now in prison. Jordan and Thomas’ brother Curtis used to work together, but when he developed a drug addiction, their friendship fell apart, and they still haven’t put it back together. Jordan’s dating Andre Maddox, though it’s been pretty rocky and he probably deserves better.

CURTIS ASHFORD (Donnell Turner) – Originally in Port Charles to help Hayden look into her shooting, Curtis stuck around when he learned his nephew and former sister-in-law lived there. We know very little about Curtis’ past, except that he had a cocaine problem and was a DEA agent. He’s now working as PI, often teaming up with Sam and Jason. He dated Valerie for a while, but it didn’t work out.

ANDRE MADDOX (Anthony Montgomery) – Andre may be too normal for Port Charles. As a psychiatrist, he has a large pool of patients to work with, and as a romantic, he has a good chance of keeping Jordan from ever getting together with Curtis.

THOMAS “T.J.” ASHFORD, JR. (Tequan Richmond) – T.J. arrived in town with a bad attitude and a reading disability, both of which have disappeared, thanks to his girlfriend Molly. He’s pre-med, generally kind and helpful, and not on the show nearly enough.

MOLLY LANSING DAVIS (Haley Alexis Pullos) – With the same mother, and fathers who are brothers, Molly and Kristina are both half-sisters and first cousins. (Add to this the fact that their other half-sister, Sam, almost had a baby with their father/uncle and you have a very twisted family tree.) Molly is a college student wise beyond her years, and a romantic at heart. She wrote a novel and almost got it published, but Connie stole it from her, sexed it up, and put her own name on it.

KRISTINA DAVIS (Lexi Ainsworth) – Kristina spent her childhood being told by mom Alexis that her father was dangerous, which explains why her relationship with Sonny as a teenager was strained at best. Like her mother, Kristina makes poor relationship choices – first boyfriend Kiefer was abusive, and second boyfriend Trey tricked her into marrying him so his father could get her money. After he died, Kristina left town to attend college, but a bad breakup led to failing grades. Her Hail Mary pass, offering to trade a professor sex for a passing grade, got her suspended. Oh, and the professor, Parker Forsythe, is a woman, and Kristina isn’t sure anymore about her sexuality.

GRIFFIN MUNRO (Matt Cohen) – Griffin is Duke’s son (though they never met), and somehow managed to finish both med school and divinity school before he hit his mid-30s. He was previously involved with Claudette while she was married to Nathan, and totally regrets it.

LUCAS JONES (Ryan Carnes) – Lucas has been around since he was born, but never got anything to do until he was in high school. Not long after coming out, he left for college and was rarely mentioned for years. In 2014, he returned to develop relationships with Julian and Sam, the biological father and sister he never knew. Sometime in his years away, he went to medical school, but he didn’t actually become a doctor until 2015. He’s now married to Brad Cooper, despite being way too good for him. Lucas is nice and normal, which is why he’s never around.

VALERIE SPENCER (Brytni Sarpi) – No one knew that Luke and Bobbie had a sister named Patricia, so no one knew that she had a daughter, Valerie, until 2015. Valerie moved to Port Charles after her mother died, and took a liking to Dante. Their subsequent affair made any friendship she’d hoped to have with cousin Lulu nearly impossible. She has since become a cop and dated, then dumped, Curtis.

MONICA QUARTERMAINE (Leslie Charleson) – Monica has been around since the late ‘70s and used to get to do stuff. The Quartermaine mansion is hers, but Alan gave it to her.

EDWARD “NED” ASHTON (Wallace Kurth) – Ned wears many hats: rock star Eddie Maine, executive at L&B Records, and ELQ desk monkey. His former loves include Monica (his aunt by married – I KNOW), Jenny Eckert (his half-brother Dillon’s stepmother), Lois Cerullo (his daughter Brook’s mother), Katherine Bell (to whom he was married illegally while he was married to Lois, and whom he didn’t actually love), Alexis (who he actually had a good relationship with, but she had commitment issues), and Skye (even though they once thought they were cousins). Ned also spent two years pretending to be Kristina’s father with no consolation prize when the truth came out about her paternity. He tried the same scheme with Olivia’s son Leo, but it didn’t last nearly as long. Their relationship lasted longer than the lie, but ended when Ned moved away. Now he’s back, and he and Olivia are back together, but we never see them.

OLIVIA FALCONERI (Lisa LoCicero) – As a teen mom, Olivia raised Dante on her own, claiming she didn’t know who his father was. No one challenged this because Olivia is kind of scary. Once in Port Charles, she dated Johnny, despite being old enough to be his mother. Heather injected her with LSD, which left her with visions and hallucinations that eerily came true. Olivia and Sonny briefly got back together, but she ditched him after he slept with Ava. A drunken New Year’s Eve fling with Julian left Olivia pregnant, and for the second time in her life, she decided to keep her baby’s father’s identity a secret. When everything came out in the open, Olivia and Julian co-parented for a while, but now that he’s a bad guy again, she won’t let Leo near him. She won’t let Leo near anyone, really, since we never see him.

KEVIN COLLINS (Jon Lindstrom) – Psychiatrist Kevin is the calm complement to ex-wife Lucy’s near-insanity. He had a daughter, Livvie, who is apparently dead, but for some reason, he doesn’t remember her.

LUCY COE (Lynn Herring) – Wacky Lucy Coe has both annoyed and charmed everyone in Port Charles since the ‘80s. She used to own a cosmetics company, but the SEC shut her down. She believes in vampires, which is the least weird thing about her. Her roller-coaster relationship with Kevin ended when she decided she wanted to be with Scott. Then Scott chose Bobbie over her, so Lucy moved on to Duke, who died not longer after. Lucy and Scott are on again/off again, but not seen enough for it to really matter.

SCOTT BALDWIN (Kin Shriner) – Scott (AKA Scotty) is a lawyer with almost as many kids as Sonny. Usually we only see him when Franco needs his father’s legal help. Luke bit off part of his ear, and it was glorious.

BARBARA “BOBBIE” SPENCER (Jacklyn Zeman) – Bobbie, a staple from the ‘70s through the ‘90s, was a prostitute turned scheming nurse, as well as Luke’s sister. As a teenager, she got pregnant with Carly and placed her for adoption, only to come face-to-face with her years later and have to face her wrath. Bobbie mainly counsels Carly on what not to do and talks about how proud she is of Lucas.

CHARLOTTE CASSADINE (Scarlett Fernandez) – Charlotte first popped up as Claudette and Nathan’s daughter. Then Claudette said Griffin was her father. Then a DNA test proved it’s really Valentin. Then ANOTHER test proved that Lulu, not Claudette, is her mother. This kid is totally not ready to be in the middle of another Spencer/Cassadine battle.

JOSSLYN JACKS (Eden McCoy) – Carly and Jax’s daughter has survived a near-kidnapping moments after her birth, kidney cancer, a subsequent kidney transplant, and an inoculation from Jerry that led to a near-fatal illness. She’s grown into a sassy preteen who likes horror movies.

DANIEL “DANNY” MORGAN (T.K. Weaver) – Danny is Sam and Jason’s son. He is super-excited to be a big brother.

JAKE WEBBER (Hudson West) – Jake is Elizabeth and Jason’s son, conceived on a night when a bunch of people were having sex with people who weren’t their partners. Elizabeth told Lucky he was Jake’s father, and Lucky raised him as his own son even after he learned the truth. When Jake was three, Luke accidentally hit him with his car, supposedly killing him. Josslyn, who had kidney cancer, supposedly received one of his kidneys. I say “supposedly” because he’s not dead and still has both kidneys. He spent a few years on Cassadine Island and had trouble adjusting when he returned to Port Charles but now seems to be doing well. Unfortunately, he thinks Franco is cool.

CAMERON WEBBER (Michael Leone) – Cameron is Elizabeth’s son, the result of a one-night fling with Zander Smith. He inherited his mother’s artistic talent and likes to do origami.

AIDEN SPENCER – Aiden is Elizabeth’s son with Lucky, though she first made everyone believe his father was Nikolas. He’s rarely on, which is too bad because he’s a cutie.

AVERY JEROME – Sonny and Ava’s fling in the Quartermaine crypt just after A.J.’s funeral resulted in this cutie. The poor kid has an insane family and lived in five or six different places before her first birthday.

ROCCO FALCONERI – Previously known as Ben Westbourne, Rocco is Lulu and Dante’s son. Britt stole their fertilized egg and implanted herself, then pretended she was Rocco’s mother for months before getting busted. Fortunately, Rocco was quickly reunited with his parents. Unfortunately, they changed his name to Rocco.

LEO FALCONERI – Leo has barely been seen since his birth, but the fact that we didn’t have to suffer through a drawn-out custody battle over him makes up for it.

LIESL OBRECHT (Kathleen Gati) – Swiss-born Obrecht (AKA Dr. O) always gets what she wants, even if it means breaking the law. She blackmailed her way to the position as Chief of Staff at General Hospital and mainly spends her days cracking her whip at various employees. Pretty much the only people she’s nice to (and who can tolerate her) are Nathan and Franco.

BRAD COOPER (Perry Shen) – Devious lab tech Brad teamed up with Britt to cause lots of trouble, then wondered why no one would ever trust him. He went after Felix for a while, then switched his sights to Lucas. Brad’s background hasn’t been explored much, but he’s the son of a Chinese mobster adopted by a Caucasian family, and was married to Rosalie Martinez for a reason we’ll probably never know.

DIANE MILLER (Carolyn Hennesy) – Diane is a lawyer/writer who used to be on Sonny’s payroll. Now she’ll defend anyone who can pay. (Seriously, anyone. Just ask Franco.) Despite often being opponents in court, Diane and Alexis are close and have been known to play strip pool together. The status of Diane’s on-and-off relationship with Max Giambetti is currently on.

MAX GIAMBETTI (Derk Cheetwood) – Max is one of Sonny’s guards and can usually be seen opening or closing doors.

MILO GIAMBETTI (Drew Cheetwood) – Milo is Max’s younger, not-as-intelligent brother, and used to be one of Sonny’s guards. After harboring a long-time crush on Lulu, he’s now with Epiphany Johnson. Milo is a part-time personal trainer and famously stripped at a bachelorette party, earning himself the nickname Magic Milo (and a repeat invitation to the Nurses’ Ball).

EPIPHANY JOHNSON (Sonya Eddy) – The head nurse at General Hospital, Epiphany is a no-nonsense taskmaster who will let someone see her softer side every once in a while. She had a son, Stan, and I still don’t think she knows Jerry was the one who killed him. Epiphany and Milo are dating, but they never get any screentime.

FELIX DuBOIS (Marc Anthony Samuel) – Felix is a nurse with an eye for fashion. A love triangle with Lucas and Brad left him the odd man out, but he seems to have bounced back with the seen-once-a-year Donnie.

ALICE GUNDERSON (Bergen Williams) – Alice is the Quartermaines’ maid and an amateur wrestler, which is a wonderful combination. Her greatest embarrassment is probably the fact that she had a crush on the Quartermaines’ butler Dobson, who was really Alexis.

JANICE LOMAX (Shari Belafonte) – Port Charles’ mayor for many years running, Lomax rigged an election to keep Felicia from stealing her office. She also fired Anna as police commissioner; closed down a bridge, a la Chris Christie, in what’s known as Bridge-Gate; and ridiculed Olivia for breastfeeding in public, leading to a lawsuit. Her eventual comeuppance will be delicious.



CHARACTERS WHO DROP IN EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE:

ROBIN SCORPIO (Kimberly McCullough) – Robin was raised by her uncle Mac after her parents, Robert and Anna, were supposedly killed in the early ‘90s. She grew up in Port Charles, came and went for college, and ultimately returned for good in the 2000s. Robin contracted HIV from her high school sweetheart, Stone Cates, but has maintained a low viral load, allowing her to have a child, Emma, with her husband Patrick. Robin was kidnapped and presumed dead, but returned two years later. Then she left town willingly, revived Jason, and was promptly kidnapped again. Finally, she made it back to her family, remarried Patrick, and rode off into the sunset (well, Berkeley) with him and Emma. She comes back to town from time to time, mostly for special occasions.

DAMIAN SPINELLI (Bradford Anderson) – Spinelli first appeared as a Port Charles University computer geek/stoner hired to manufacture evidence to frame Sam. A dozen years later, he and Sam run a business together and are former roommates, after he spent years in Jason’s penthouse (in the “regrettably pink room”). Spinelli has a nickname for everyone, including himself (the Jackal). He lives in Portland now, but still keeps in touch with his Port Charles friends and visits once in a while.

HEATHER WEBBER (Robin Mattson) – So much craziness happened with Heather in the ‘80s that I can’t begin to get into it. Basically, she’s crazy, and she sold both of her sons, Franco and Steven. She’s a murderer, a baby-napper, an amateur painter (sandwiches are her favorite subject), and a general nutbar, thanks to an accidental overdose of LSD. She likes BLTs, and hates it when people don’t deliver letters for her.

MALCOLM “MAC” SCORPIO (John J. York) – Mac arrived in town in the early ‘90s and had to dodge the law for a while. Naturally, he later became the police commissioner. He raised his niece Robin, which prepared him to help raise stepdaughters Maxie and Georgie, though none of the three ever really listened to him. Removed from his position as police commissioner for never being able to keep a mobster behind bars, Mac now tends bar and usually only pops up when someone needs to confide in him about something.

FELICIA JONES (Kristina Wagner) – Half of the ‘80s super-couple Frisco and Felicia, Felicia has been in and out of Port Charles for 30 years, paying various amounts of attention to daughters Maxie and Georgie. She’s back together with Mac and enjoying the recent parade of classic characters returning to the show.

EMMA DRAKE (Brooklyn Rae Silzer) – Emma is Patrick and Robin’s awesome daughter. She basically has a heart of gold. When she cries, you’ll cry, too.

GEORGIE SPINELLI (Harper Rose Barash) – Maxie and Spinelli conceived Lil’ Georgie and tried to pass her off as the child Maxie was carrying as Dante and Lulu’s surrogate. That led to a big mess that separated mother and daughter for a year. Maxie’s now allowed to see Georgie again, and presumably start teaching her about fashion. (Fun fact: Harper is Kirsten Storms and Brandon Barash’s daughter.)

ELLIE TROUT (Emily Wilson) – Ellie was a bookish lab tech who dated Spinelli and helped him raise Georgie until his lingering feelings for Maxie grew to be too much for her. They split for a while, but ultimately realized they don’t want to be without each other.

CLAUDETTE BEAULIEU (Bree Williamson) – This troublemaker was previously involved with Nathan, Griffin, and Valentin. Most of us were happy when she left town, even though she might be dead.

JASPER “JAX” JACKS (Ingo Rademacher) – Australian-born Jax is a playboy businessman with a weakness for hot women and anything expensive. Since 1996, he’s had numerous love interests and crushes, but his heart has always belonged to Brenda. Jax is a corporate raider and probably has about as much money as Sonny, which may be another reason they hate each other (the main one is Brenda). He was also briefly married to Alexis, which was awesome. Then he married Carly, which was less awesome. After Sonny tried to kill him, Jax played dead for a few months, only resurfacing when daughter Josslyn got sick. Now he’s only mentioned when Josslyn goes to see him, or when he comes back to town for brief visits.

KELLY LEE (Minae Noji) – Years ago, OB/GYN Kelly palled around with Robin and Patrick, but got phased out. Now she pops up every once in a while to give people baby news.

RICHARD “RIC” LANSING (Rick Hearst) – Budget cuts prevent Ric from spelling his name with a K, but not from being alternately annoying and charming. He and Sonny have an on-again, off-again good relationship, mainly because, to quote Carly, “Mom liked [Sonny] better.” His past deeds and crimes include kidnapping Carly while she was pregnant with Morgan, being smarmy to the point of amusement, not telling anyone that he knew Sonny was Kristina’s father, and paying Hayden to pretend to be Jason’s wife. When not trying to please Sonny, Ric’s trying to drive him crazy. He made the bad decision to sleep with Sam, which angered both Alexis and Jason, and he got his revenge by framing Sam for a felony she didn’t commit. Ric briefly dated Skye, then left for a soap that would give him an actual storyline. When he returned in 2014, he promised he’d turned over a new leaf. He developed a good relationship with daughter Molly and got back together with ex-wife Elizabeth, though that didn’t last. Ric actually hasn’t been seen for a few months, because Rick Hearst is no dummy.

DELIA RYAN (Ilene Kristen) – Delia is Ava’s birth mother, though they didn’t connect until Ava was already a mother herself. She runs a bar in Manhattan, which is usually where we see her.

MADELINE REEVES (Donna Mills) – Almost as scheming as her sister Liesl, Madeline’s bad behaviors include using Ava to break up Silas and Nina, injecting Nina with an overdose of antidepressants to kill her unborn baby, murdering a pharmacist so he couldn’t rat her out for getting the antidepressants, and declining to tell Nathan that he was really her sister’s son. The nail in her coffin was when she murdered Silas, earning herself a one-way ticket to Pentonville.

JERRY JACKS (Sebastian Roche) – In his early incarnation, Jerry was a suave white-collar criminal always looking out for his brother Jax. He was wanted for some federal crime involving money and fled the country, leaving Bobbie at the altar. Years later, he returned with a new face, a new accent, and an endless list of criminal schemes, most of them involving violence and/or faking his own death. Jerry has an unexplored love of Alexis and of using James Bond actors’ names as aliases. His crimes have always been ambitious, but he kidnapped Robin one too many times and was last seen on his way to prison.

ROBERT SCORPIO (Tristan Rogers) – Robert is one of the more famous characters from GH and was once half of a super-couple with Anna. (He was also part of the super-couple Robert and Holly, but Holly Sutton is annoying and I don’t want to talk about her.) In the ‘80s, he was a spy who hung out with Luke and helped save the world and stuff. After his daughter Robin was presumed dead, Robert became suicidal. You can imagine how happy he was when he discovered she was alive. Unfortunately, he was drugged before he could share the news with anyone, and remained in a coma in Switzerland for almost a year. When he awoke, he helped rescue Robin, then promptly left town. He’s been back a couple times since then, and he keeps in touch with Anna, but it’s entirely possible we’ll never see him again.

LESLEY WEBBER (Denise Alexander) – Lesley is Laura’s mother and basically raised Lulu. In the ‘70s, she had plots. Now, not so much.

SPENCER CASSADINE (Nicolas Bechdel) – Spencer is Nikolas’ son with Courtney. His picture is in the dictionary under “precocious.” He loves being rich and hates townies (though a near-death experience and a conversation with his dead mother have helped his attitude immensely). Spencer was sent off to boarding school in Europe after Nikolas’ supposed death, but will probably return someday as a 20-something bad boy with both mommy and daddy issues.

PARKER FORSYTHE (Ashley Jones) – Parker was the object of Kristina’s affections until she toyed with Kristina one too many times (example: telling her they can’t be together, then spending the night with her). She may never appear again, and I’m okay with that.



DEAD/GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN:

LUCAS “LUKE” SPENCER (Anthony Geary) – It would take about ten pages to describe all of the major pieces of Luke’s past, since he was on the show off and on from the ‘70s through 2015. Mainly, he was half of the super-couple Luke and Laura, stopped the Cassadines from freezing the world (no, really), held a number of jobs (including mobster, mayor, club owner, and disco manager), and did a lot of illegal things (including rape, but we don’t talk about that anymore). He and Laura have two kids together, Lucky and Lulu; Luke also has a son, Ethan Lovett, with former fling Holly. His past loves include Felicia, Skye, and Tracy, as well as Laura, his so-called “soul mate.” Luke married Tracy for her money, then wound up falling in love with her. Luke is an alcoholic in denial, but when you accidentally hit your grandson with your car and don’t remember it later, you may have a drinking problem. In 2014, Luke started acting really weird, and was revealed to have an alternate personality as a result of killing his mother (accidentally) and father (not so accidentally) as a teen. He left town in 2015.

HELENA CASSADINE (Constance Towers) – Possibly the most entertaining GH villain ever, Helena lived mostly to try to win over grandson Nikolas and torture Luke. She hated Alexis for being her late husband Mikkos’ daughter with his mistress Kristen, and she hated pretty much everyone else just for living. She once killed her own daughter. Helena was allegedly killed by Luke, but brother-in-law Victor cryogenically froze her, then forced Robin to revive her. Helena controlled Jason for a while and attempted to take over ELQ before Nikolas had her banished to the family’s island. In the year before her death, she called a truce with Luke and revealed that Jake was alive. She supposedly died in late 2015 (possibly at Nikolas’ hand), but there’s roughly an 80% chance she’s not really dead.

MORGAN CORINTHOS (Bryan Craig) – After various SORAS-ings and years at military school, Morgan, Carly and Sonny’s son, somehow made it to Vanderbilt University, but soon showed that he’d inherited his grandfather Mike’s gambling addiction. He wound up in debt to some bad guys, but also picked up a girlfriend, Kiki. She left him for his brother, so he slept with her mother. Yes, that really happened. Morgan made a few attempts to be a big boy, but his bipolar disorder ultimately got the better of him, with an assist from Ava, who swapped out his medication so he and Kiki would break up. He stole Julian’s car while drunk and was killed by a car bomb meant for Julian.

NIKOLAS CASSADINE (Tyler Christopher) – Nikolas was raised by his uncle Stefan after Laura left him behind to be with the rest of her family. As a teenager, Nikolas saved half-sister Lulu’s life and set off another round of the Spencer/Cassadine feud. He and half-brother Lucky patched up their rivalry, and Nikolas even managed to win over Luke (sort of). He went through a Mrs. Robinson phase, bedding his uncle’s ex-girlfriend, Katherine, then wound up with Emily Quartermaine. He cheated on her, had a baby (Spencer) with Courtney Matthews, and got back together with Emily, who then died. Failed relationships with the awesome Nadine, the horrible Elizabeth (though Nikolas was equally horrible, what with cuckolding his brother and all), and the blah Brook ended with Nikolas moving to Europe with Spencer. When he returned to Port Charles, he hoped to win back Elizabeth, but instead wound up with Britt. That ended disastrously. Nikolas then mixed it up with Hayden, a con woman who threatened to destroy his plans to keep Jason’s true identity secret so Nikolas could take over ELQ. Unable to silence Hayden, he tried to have her killed. She survived, and went on to marry Nikolas. (I know, gross, right?) When things between them went south, Nikolas faked his death and jetted off to Europe, where he was then killed for real by Valentin. Or was he?

SABRINA SANTIAGO (Teresa Castillo) – Nurse Sabrina nursed (ha, see what I did there?) a huge crush on Patrick, which finally developed into a relationship. After getting over a major roadblock in the form of Britt and her lies that Patrick fathered her baby, everything looked like sunshine and roses for Sabrina and Patrick. Then Sabrina’s ex, Carlos, showed up. And then Patrick’s not-really-dead wife resurfaced. And then Sabrina got pregnant with Patrick’s baby and didn’t want to rock the boat with him and Robin, so she kept that quiet for a while. After her baby, Gabriel, died, Sabrina mistakenly blamed Ava and retaliated by trying to make her miscarry Avery. She moved past that brief insanity and recently accepted a job...as a nanny for the baby she almost killed. This led to a relationship with Michael, which ended when she got pregnant and he learned the baby wasn’t his, as she’d claimed, but Carlos’. Eventually Sabrina split with Carlos and was ready to make a family with Michael and her son, Teddy, but Paul killed her before it could happen.

PATRICK DRAKE (Jason Thompson) – Patrick started out as your typical cocky surgeon who knows how hot he is and knows that everyone else knows. After falling in love with Robin, he transformed into a family man and doting father to Emma. Things were derailed for a while when Patrick had an affair with ex-girlfriend Lisa Niles, but Robin took him back, only to be kidnapped and have her death faked. Patrick had a brief fling with Britt, who led him to believe that she was pregnant with his baby. (She was pregnant, but the baby wasn’t either of theirs.) Patrick then dated Sabrina, who he really did get pregnant, but the baby died after being born prematurely. When Robin returned from the “dead,” she and Patrick briefly reconciled, but broke up when she left to tend to Jason. He got serious with Sam, but her love for Jason and Patrick’s love for Robin kept them from fully committing to each other. Robin, Patrick, and Emma reunited as a family and moved to California in early 2016.

CARLOS RIVERA (Jeffrey Vincent Parise) – Carlos came to Port Charles to work with Julian and Ava, by which I mean they gave orders and he killed people. Carlos spent most of his years on the show in hiding, going to Sabrina for medical help, and pretending to be dead. Julian killed him for real, though who knows, he could turn up again in five years.

DUKE LAVERY (Ian Buchanan) – Duke spent 20 years in a Turkish prison before returning to reunite with Anna. He harbored a long grudge against Julian and even joined the Corinthos organization to try to take him down. That drove him and Anna apart for a while, but they eventually decided to leave town together. Unfortunately, Duke was killed by Carlos before they could depart.

PAUL HORNSBY (Richard Burgi) – Paul was around in the ‘90s and mostly known for being forced to do a cartel’s bidding. He married Tracy on their orders, but his heart was with Ned’s love, Jenny Eckert. After years away, Paul returned to town in 2015 and became the District Attorney – the perfect cover to hide behind while he schemed to take out Sonny and rule the town. Secretly, Paul was also killing people connected to an attack on his daughter Susan, and somehow managing to hide the fact that he was completely nuts. He was last seen going to prison for multiple murders.

SHAWN BUTLER (Sean Blakemore) – Shawn originally came to Port Charles as a mercenary working against Sonny. Later, he became Sonny’s right-hand man/Jason 2.0. Shawn served in the Marines in Afghanistan and was dishonorably discharged for “accidentally” killing a fellow Marine. (He actually killed him in self-defense because the Marine found out Shawn slept with his wife. Oh, and the Marine was Shawn’s best friend, and the wife was Jordan.) Shawn became the guardian of T.J., the “son” of the man he killed, who’s actually Shawn’s son, though T.J. doesn’t know that. He’s in Pentonville for trying to kill Jason.

CESAR FAISON (Anders Hove) – Long-time baddie Faison is usually behind any weird happenings in town. His one true love has always been Anna, though he claims to be over her now. For some reason, Obrecht is in love with him. He and Britt split town to avoid arrest, and fortunately, he hasn’t been heard from since.

SILAS CLAY (Michael Easton) – Silas came to Port Charles hoping to connect with Rafe Kovitch, the nephew he’d only recently learned he had. First he had to fight the stigma that came with looking exactly like his late brother, Stephen Clay, a serial killer. Silas dated Sam for a while, but that fell apart when his comatose wife Nina came out of her coma and schemed to either get him back or get back at him for cheating on her and having a child with Ava (it was never really clear). Just as Silas was getting to know his long-lost daughter, Kiki, he was killed by Madeline.

ROSALIE MARTINEZ (Linda Elena Tovar) – Filed under Promising Characters Who Were Never Allowed to Live Up to Their Potential, Rosalie first showed up to pretend to be Nina’s unneeded nurse. Then she became Michael’s assistant, having been planted by Helena. After months of hearing about some big secret she was keeping, all we learned about Rosalie was that she and Brad were in a marriage of convenience so one of them wouldn’t have to testify against the other about some unnamed crime. Since they’re divorced now and Rosalie has been MIA for months, we probably won’t see her again.

BROOK LYNN ASHTON (Adrianne Leon) – If Ned has to leave town quickly, it’s probably because of Brook. She had a brief relationship with Nikolas, tried to steal Dante from Lulu, and maybe did some other stuff I don’t remember, but it’s probably not important.

ALAN “A.J.” QUARTERMAINE, JR. (Sean Kanan) – A.J., always the black sheep of the Quartermaine family, spent years struggling with alcoholism and his inability to prove his worth to his relatives. Said alcoholism led to a car accident that left his brother Jason with brain damage but still didn’t elevate A.J. to the position of favored son. After being presumed dead for seven years, A.J. returned with the goal of turning his own son Michael against his adoptive father, Sonny. It worked, but not until after Sonny killed A.J.

ALAN QUARTERMAINE (Stuart Damon) – Alan and Monica used to get into all sorts of trouble in the ‘70s and ‘80s. They divorced and remarried each other so many times, everyone’s lost count. His children – Skye, A.J., Jason, and Emily – spent years fighting for his attention. Alan died of a heart attack after Jerry refused to let him get medical attention during a hostage situation at the Metro Court. He left all his money to Jason’s children, which means Jake and Danny are some rich kids.

EDWARD QUARTERMAINE (John Ingle) – The patriarch of the Quartermaine family and head of ELQ Industries, a Fortune 500 company, Edward was known as a shrewd businessman who would pit his own family members against each other if he felt the need. He had a long, loving relationship with his wife Lila, even though he cheated on her a bunch and had two children with other women. After Lila’s death, Edward was briefly married to Heather Webber; there was some scam going on there but I honestly don’t remember the details. Edward passed away in late 2012, leaving various amounts of ELQ stock to his heirs, which they fought over for years.

LILA QUARTERMAINE (Anna Lee) – Lila was the matriarch of the Quartermaine family and everyone’s favorite person. She put up with her husband Edward’s wandering eye and managed to keep as many people in line as she could. Everyone was sad when she died, but Skye made us all feel a little better by naming her daughter after her.

EMILY QUARTERMAINE (Natalia Livingston) – When she first arrived in Port Charles in the mid-’90s, Emily was a welcome addition to the Quartermaine family. She developed a drug problem and had a string of bad boyfriends, but at least she was entertaining. Then they recast and everything went downhill. New Emily was a breast cancer survivor, a girl continually torn between guys, and Little Miss I’m-So-Perfect-It’s-Not-Even-Funny-How-Unrealistic-I’ve-Become. She was either a med student or an intern, depending on the day of the week. Emily married Nikolas, who cheated on her AFTER SHE WAS RAPED, and I hated Emily but come on, that was awful. They got back together, but then Diego put us all out of our misery by killing her. She’s appeared a few times since then as a ghost, but never when we actually need her to yell at people for being idiots.

SKYE CHANDLER QUARTERMAINE (Robin Christopher) – Skye was raised by adoptive parents and arrived in Port Charles in 2001 in search of Alan, who she thought was her birth father. He wasn’t, but she stayed anyway. Skye is a recovering alcoholic, which gave her and A.J. something to bond over. She was married to Jax and dated Ned, then fell in love with Luke before randomly settling on Lorenzo Alcazar, who fathered her daughter, Lila Rae. She was supposedly going to look for Alcazar, who may not actually be alive, but I doubt she’s actually doing that, wherever she is now.

LUCAS “LUCKY” SPENCER, JR. (Jonathan Jackson) – Once upon a time, Lucky was a gambler, a computer whiz, a photographer, and a romantic. He lived above a motorcycle shop and hung out with girlfriend Elizabeth, half-brother Nikolas, and friend Emily (AKA the Four Musketeers). Then he was kidnapped by Helena and presumed dead for almost a year. When he came back, he was sullen, broody, annoying, and played by Jacob Young, who sucked. After a while, Jacob Young finally left and Lucky became fun again. Then he got addicted to painkillers and cheated on Elizabeth (then his wife) with Maxie. He pretended to be Jake’s son, and all he got in return was cheated on. After a green-card marriage to some Irish chick everyone’s forgotten about, Lucky left town to find himself, or something.

CONNIE FALCONERI, AKA KATE HOWARD (Kelly Sullivan) – Olivia’s cousin was born Constanza Falconeri and dated Sonny when they were teenagers. A sexual assault by Sonny’s enemy left her pregnant and so traumatized that she developed Dissociative Identity Disorder. She left her infant son, Trey, in a boardinghouse and went to Manhattan, where she reinvented herself as Kate Howard, a hard, upper-class fashion editor. Years later she brought her magazine to Port Charles and reunited with Sonny. But their wedding day left her with a gunshot wound instead of a wedding ring, so she swore off Sonny and took up with Coleman Ratcliffe for a while. A couple years and a recast later, Kate rekindled things with Sonny. She began exhibiting strange behavior, and it became clear that she had two distinct personalities: the refined Kate and the homicidal/entertaining Connie. It didn’t help that the doctor who tried to integrate her personalities was also homicidal. After becoming integrated, Connie continued her on/off relationship with Sonny. At the time of her murder (by Ava), they were on. Kind of.

BRENDA BARRETT (Vanessa Marcil) – Brenda was a popular character from the mid-’90s through the early ‘00s. After on-and-off relationships with both Sonny and Jax, then a four-year disappearance, she returned to Port Charles to finally bring closure to the neverending will-she-pick-Sonny-or-Jax? dilemma. She chose neither, instead marrying Jason, even though they hated each other. Brenda left town again, then returned just long enough to marry Sonny, reveal she’d had a child, and almost get herself killed a few times. She’s probably in Europe, wishing bad things on Carly.

VICTOR CASSADINE (Thaao Pengliss) – Victor briefly made an appearance in the ‘80s, then resurfaced in the ‘10s to try to live up to his family’s name. He was responsible for Jason’s imprisonment, among other crimes. Obrecht supposedly killed him, but no one on this show ever really dies.

STAVROS CASSADINE (Robert Kelker Kelly) – A true psychopath among psychopaths. Helena’s favorite son fathered Nikolas, then spent the next 20 years frozen. He emerged for a few months, was presumed dead, and came back to life, like, three more times. He’s probably really dead now, but to be on the safe side, I’ll say his current status is unknown.

AUDREY HARDY (Rachel Ames) – Audrey’s the longest-running character, having been around since the show’s first year, 1963. Rachel Ames retired a while ago, so Audrey has only made one or two appearances in the past few years, but she’s often mentioned by her granddaughter Elizabeth, since she takes care of Cameron, Jake, and Aiden a lot.

JOHNNY ZACCHARA (Brandon Barash) – Johnny was raised by Anthony Zacchara, a mobster he thought was his father. It wasn’t until Johnny was an adult that he found out Anthony was really his grandfather, and the woman he thought was his sister, Claudia, was really his mother. His father was really Gino, yet another mobster. Torn between being a good guy and continuing his families’ mob traditions, Johnny mainly lives to annoy Sonny. He has been involved with Lulu, Olivia, Carly, and Connie, though that last hookup was mainly to annoy...well, you know. Johnny accidentally killing STARR MANNING’s daughter and boyfriend while trying to murder Anthony (who he did eventually kill), then convinced Connie to take the blame. This landed him in prison, but he somehow got a cop to testify that he was set up. After being released, Johnny went right back to his Sonny-hating ways. He spent some time on the lam, then resurfaced to help Lulu get rid of Valerie. That didn’t work, and he apparently had a psychotic break or something (there was barking; I don’t know). He’s now back in his old cell in Pentonville.

BRITT WESTBOURNE (Kelly Thiebaud) – Awful human being Britt’s crimes included stealing Lulu and Dante’s embryo, implanting it in herself, and passing their baby off as her own. She also managed to make an entire town think her totally Caucasian baby was half Asian, which is, admittedly, impressive. A lot of her bad behavior could be blamed on her horrible parents, Obrecht and Faison. After helping Spencer fake his kidnapping, Britt fled the country to avoid criminal charges. No one misses her. Okay, maybe Nathan.

KYLE SLOANE (Grayson McCouch) – Former Special Agent Kyle Sloane rigged an election to get himself hired as Port Charles’ police commissioner. He helped Anna cover up her “murder” of Carlos, but when Paul decided he’d outlived his usefulness, he killed Sloane.

GEORGIE JONES (Lindze Letherman) – Poor Georgie never should have been killed off. She was Maxie’s younger, sweeter, more patient sister, who had a chance at supercouple status with Dillon. Instead of just writing Georgie out by sending her off to study abroad, the writers had her murdered by a guy she was supposed to be friends with. Sometimes she visits as a ghost, and her name lives in with Lil’ Georgie.

ANTHONY ZACCHARA (Bruce Weitz) – Johnny’s grandfather was a crazy mobster who accidentally killed his own wife while trying to kill Johnny. Johnny repaid the favor years later by killing him. Anthony was briefly married to Tracy, but it was all about blackmail.

ETHAN LOVETT (Nathan Parsons) – Ethan came to Port Charles looking for his birth father, who was either Luke or Robert, according to his birth mother, Holly. It was Luke. Ethan takes after his father in that they’re both con men. He’s off jaunting around Europe on Luke’s dime, I think.

HOLLY SUTTON (Emma Samms) – Holly was a major character in the ‘80s, but now she only shows up as a deus ex machina.

RAFE KOVITCH (Jimmy Deshler) – Rafe came to town with his mother, who was promptly murdered by his vampire father. (Yes, I said vampire. Unfortunately.) He crushed on Molly, but they never really moved beyond friendship Rafe’s main contributions to the show were hanging around his uncle Silas’ apartment, secretly developing a drug problem, and causing a car accident that killed Patrick and Sabrina’s baby. He died in a separate car accident and was promptly forgotten.

STARR MANNING (Kristen Alderson) – Starr came through Port Charles after One Life to Live was cancelled and wound up staying. A car accident caused by Johnny killed her daughter Hope and boyfriend Cole. Starr’s grief and recovery were aided by a new relationship with Michael. Then one day she left for L.A., dumped Michael over the phone, and was never mentioned again.

TODD MANNING (Roger Howarth) – My TV boyfriend Todd was Starr’s father and followed her to town even though she didn’t want to see him. Most people hated him, but more of them live in Llanview than in Port Charles, so he stayed here. He was alternately in love with his ex-wife Blair (Starr’s mother) and with Carly, neither of whom wanted him. Todd owned Manning Enterprises (appropriate initials: ME) and was basically the media king of Port Charles for about six months. Despite the fact that he gave Danny to his other ex-wife, Tea, and spent months letting Sam think her son had died, nothing would make me happier than having him back on the show.

JOHN McBAIN (Michael Easton) – A detective from Llanview, McBain relocated to Port Charles after his girlfriend dumped him for kissing Sam. He and Anna knew each other from his days in the FBI. He’ll always have a place in the show’s history as the person who delivered Danny and helped reunite him with Sam and Jason.



PLACES:

GENERAL HOSPITAL – Obviously, this is the place where it all began. If you’re hurt, sick, or dying, you go here. Current employees include Monica (Chief of Staff and cardiologist), Lucas (trauma surgeon), Griffin (neurosurgeon), Andre (psychiatrist), Kevin (psychiatrist), Kelly (OB/GYN), Obrecht (head snarkster), Epiphany (head of nursing), Elizabeth (nurse), Felix (nurse), and Brad (lab tech). You may have sex in a supply closet, the on-call room, or a shower, but God help you if Epiphany finds you.

KELLY’S DINER – Kelly’s is home to Ruby’s famous chili, BLTs, and a number of rooms that people can rent upstairs. Almost everyone in town has lived above Kelly’s at some point. The diner was first owned by Rose Kelly, then taken over by Ruby Anderson, Bobbie and Luke’s aunt. After Ruby’s death, an ex-hooker named Tammy took over, and after Tammy randomly disappeared, Sonny’s father Mike took over. Shawn was in charge for a while, but with him in prison, I guess the place pretty much runs itself. Current residents: none, for possibly the first time ever.

THE METRO COURT – The hotel used to be the place for rich visitors and residents (such as Jax). In 2004, a huge fire damaged much of the hotel, which Jax bought and rebuilt. He also renamed it the Metro Court for Courtney, who would repay the gesture by getting pregnant with another man’s baby. Carly helped Jax run the hotel while they were married; after their divorce, Jax gave his half of it to Connie, whose death left it in Olivia’s control. The Metro Court also houses offices, including Crimson’s. Current residents: Finn and Scott.

THE FLOATING RIB – Formerly Jake’s Bar, the Floating Rib is everyone’s favorite place to drink beer, shoot pool, hook up, and scheme. Sometimes there’s karaoke, but not good karaoke. If you visit the rooms upstairs, you’ll see the ones where Michael and Cameron were conceived. Luke paid Coleman to change the name to the Floating Rib after the “death” of a different Jake. Contrary to popular belief, the first Jake was a woman.

THE HAUNTED STAR – The Haunted Star is a yacht previously owned by the Cassadines and later “acquired” by Luke and Laura. After some renovations, Luke opened a casino there. Now Lulu has turned it into a nightclub.

QUARTERMAINE MANSION – As implied by the name, the Quartermaines live here. There are numerous wings and balconies, and apparently it’s easy to enter by climbing up the side of the house to a window. The grounds include a boathouse (the ideal place for teen sex), a crypt (for when you want to have a fling but the boathouse is occupied), a gatehouse (where Ned lived for years), and huge fridges (which sometimes house dead bodies). If you wind up in the basement with A.J. and he has a gun, run. The house belongs to Monica, but Alan gave it to her. Current residents: Monica, Tracy, Dillon, Ned, Hayden and possibly Michael.

WYNDEMERE/SPOON ISLAND – Wyndemere is the Cassadines’ family home, as well as an ideal place for fugitives to hide out or for people to stash kidnapping victims. A launch is required to reach the island, though the launch operators tend to turn the other way when intruders sneak on board. Current residents: Valentin, Nina, and Charlotte.

HARBORVIEW TOWERS – It’s unclear how many floors of apartments Harborview Towers houses, since we’ve only ever seen the penthouses. Sonny, Carly, Michael, and Morgan used to live on one side of the hall, and Jason lived on the other. True story: If you fire a gun in the building, no one will call the police. Current residents: Sam, Jason, and Danny.

SONNY’S HOUSE – I’m pretty sure this place actually has a name (Greystone?), but no one calls it that. Current residents: Sonny, Carly, Josslyn, and Avery.

LAKE HOUSE 2.0 – Alexis, Kristina, and Molly spent many years in a lake house before Luke sent someone to blow it up as retaliation against Julian. Julian gave Alexis this new house, which soon became their shared home. Current residents: Alexis and (temporarily) Julian.

MAXIE’S APARTMENT – Maxie and Lulu originally shared this larger-than-originally-described two-bedroom apartment, even though they hated each other at the time. Later it was home to Starr, Ellie, Levi, and Nathan at various times. Current residents: Maxie and Nathan.

DANTE AND LULU’S HOUSE – It’s bigger than they should probably be able to afford, but at least it’s not the loft they lived in for years. Current residents: Dante, Lulu, Rocco, and Laura.

KIKI AND FRANCO’S APARTMENT – Originally Silas’ apartment, Kiki stayed on after his death and took in Franco and Nina as roommates. I swear the kitchen used to be in a different place.

FERNCLIFF – One of at least three psychiatric facilities near Port Charles, Ferncliff has subpar security.

SHADYBROOK – Ditto.

PENTONVILLE – Port Charles’ alternately maximum- and medium-security prison. Current home to Shawn, Madeline, and Johnny.



COMPANIES:

ELQ INDUSTRIES – ELQ (which stands for Edward Lewis Quartermaine) is a Fortune 500 company Edward started years ago. It’s the source of most of the Quartermaine family’s money. In the ‘90s, the company was going under but was saved by an infusion of cash from Tracy. She decided not to mention that the cash came from a mobster. Nikolas was briefly the head of the company, but only because he schemed and blackmailed his way to the top. The last time I tried to list all the shareholders, my brain exploded, so don’t spent too much time thinking about it.

CORINTHOS COFFEE – Under Sonny’s legal front for his illegal activities, he imports coffee, and possibly some other stuff.

McCALL & JACKAL, P.I. – Spinelli and Sam run this bi-coastal private-detective agency, which somehow manages to stay in business despite the fact that we never see them working.

DEREK WELLS ENTERPRISES – Julian first used this company as a cover when he came back to town, then as a front. Holdings include media outlets such as The Port Charles Sun and Crimson magazine.

CRIMSON – Formed by Connie after her first magazine, Couture, was taken from her, Crimson is now run by Nina. Maxie and Dillon help keep things in order.



EVENTS:

NURSES’ BALL – The Nurses’ Ball was an annual talent show/fundraiser that took place from 1994 through 2001 to raise money for AIDS research. Thanks to Sabrina, it was resurrected in 2013. There’s a 90 percent chance Lucy will end up in her underwear by the end of the night.

THANKSGIVING – The Quartermaines haven’t had a turkey on Thanksgiving for more than 15 years. Highlights: In 1995, Lucy’s duck was on the loose and the Qs decided they didn’t want to eat the duck that had been prepared. Instead, they ordered pizza, which quickly became their new tradition. In 1996, their cook quit just before cooking. In 1997, Tracy sent burglars to rob the Qs and they made off with the turkey. In 2000, the dinner was catered, but the cook found out that she’d been sidestepped and she threw the turkey out the window. In 2001, the turkey actually made it to the table but was disrupted during a food fight. In 2011, Jason had a tantrum and knocked all the food to the floor. In 2012, Heather attacked Skye and the meal was ruined in the process. In 2014, the food was suspected of not being cooked properly. In 2015, Paul and Dillon blew the power with their deep fryer. In 2016, the cook almost poisoned everyone with some sort of bacteria Finn was inexplicably keeping in the fridge. Despite never getting to have turkey, the Quartermaines still get together every year to pretend they’re a normal family and eat something nontraditional. (But first they have to sing “We Gather Together.”)

THE HOSPITAL CHRISTMAS PARTY – General Hospital used to host a Christmas party every year for kids who are stuck in the hospital over the holidays. It included a reading of the Christmas story and a visit from Santa. In 2014, Obrecht added Krampus into the mix, traumatizing many of Port Charles’ children (but not Josslyn).



OTHER REFERENCES:

SORAS – Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome, or SORAS, is an affliction causing young characters to age overnight. Victims include Lulu, Michael, Kristina, Molly, Morgan (multiple times), and Josslyn.

LAUNDRY CART – Carly once drugged A.J. and put him in a laundry cart to deposit him in an alley and make him think he’d gotten drunk. The joke is that she was pregnant at the time, so there’s no way she could have lifted him into the cart.

MEAT HOOK – Sonny hung A.J. on a meat hook to make him sign over custody of Michael.

HOSTAGE CRISIS – Jerry (posing as James Craig) took a dozen characters hostage in the lobby of the Metro Court, which he later blew up. It was awesome.

THE SLEPT WITH SIBLINGS CLUB – A disturbing number of characters have bedded siblings. Sister (heh) chapters include the Slept with Mother and Daughter Club and the Slept with Cousins Club. Members include:

VAMPIRES – There were vampires on Port Charles, a spinoff that aired from 1997-2003. They tried to bring them over here. No one was amused.

THE NIGHT OF MUSICAL PARTNERS/THE NIGHT OF THE BLACKOUT – In 2006, there was a blackout and lots of people had sex. First Elizabeth saw Lucky with Maxie. Then Jason saw Sam with Ric. Then Elizabeth and Jason hooked up, conceiving Jake (thanks to a faulty condom). Somewhere in there, Alexis saw Ric with Sam and hooked up with Mayor Floyd, though no one knew about that until a few years later.

“IT’S MY HOUSE”/”ALAN GAVE IT TO YOU” – Constant refrain of Monica and whoever’s currently annoyed with her. She and Alan used to say it all the time.

PANIC ROOM – Ric kidnapped Carly while she was pregnant with Morgan and kept her stashed in a panic room in his house. Elizabeth lived there at the time and had no idea. Ric never served time for the crime, but like the hostage crisis is for Jerry, it’s a definitive situation proving Ric’s no good.

BABY-NAPPING – Refers to Heather and Todd’s months-long scam passing Danny off as Tea’s baby. Baby-napping is to Heather and Todd as the panic room is to Ric and the hostage crisis is to Jerry.


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