March, 2018

March 4th, 2018, 3:25 p.m. - "That's the one thing you can't do." "Got it." "And here's a list of the other things you can't do"

America's Next Top Model – "Beauty Is Social": I'm pretty sure they only put Krystyana in the bottom two to make us think her eventual win isn't a slam-dunk. No way would they have cut her because she was nervous around a guy. I think Rio's hold on her spot is pretty tenuous right now; her star is starting to dim. I'm sick of her, so I hope she goes soon. Rating: 3 male models who did a really awesome job

The X-Files – "Rm9sbG93ZXJz": I loved every minute of this episode. They took a big risk with this, but it definitely paid off. My only problem: Why didn't Mulder give Scully a ride home? Rating: 5 off-brand killer Roombas

Speechless – "E-I-EIGHTEEN": Why have Ray and Taylor break up? Why have Taylor turn out to be a jerk? I enjoyed Ray using Jimmy's moves, though. He was surprisingly smooth. Rating: 4 tattoos

Modern Family – "Written in the Stars": Aw, Alex. You don't want to be the cliché of a student who dates her professor anyway. Besides, Manny's already done that. Rating: 4 telescopes

Supernatural – "Good Intentions": I'm with Cas – they should have killed Donatello and looked for the next prophet. Now we're just repeating the plot from the episodes where they needed the ingredients from the tablets. Rating: 3 shadow puppets

March 6th, 2018, 9:28 p.m. - Speaking of people I want to be friends with...

9. We Are Never Meeting in Real Life (Samantha Irby)
Why is it so hard to find a copy of Irby's first book, Meaty? 'Cause I need more Irby, like, now.

Up next: Her Body and Other Parties (Carmen Maria Machado)

March 10th, 2018, 2:02 p.m. - "Pepper, make me feel worthless. Good boy!"

America's Next Top Model – "Beauty Is Movement": Eh, Brendi was never going to win anyway. Go get some therapy, lady. Rating: 4 parachutes

The X-Files – "Familiar": This was like The X-Files meets Supernatural, but...I didn't find it that interesting. Maybe my standards are too high after last week's episode. Rating: 3 children's-show theme songs I'll never be able to get out of my head

Speechless – "U-N-UNFORGETTABLE P-A-PAIN": Someone please stop Ray before he ends up with a restraining order against him. Rating: 4 garbage-bag ponchos

Modern Family – "Spanks for the Memories": I loved the discussion Phil and Alex had about how she doesn't always have to do what she thinks is expected of her, and she needs to remember that she's in charge of her life. I think she needs that kind of guidance and doesn't get it enough. Rating: 4 pianos made out of cardboard boxes

Supernatural – "A Most Holy Man": I'm not sure a noir theme is the way to go, considering the age of most of the show's fans. There were too many slow spots for me to really enjoy this, but the plot itself was good. Rating: 3 skulls

March 11th, 2018, 9:31 p.m. - We interrupt this habit of never reading short stories short stories

10. Her Body and Other Parties (Carmen Maria Machado)
I want 300 more pages of "Especially Heinous." Please?

Up next: Force of Nature (Jane Harper)

March 17th, 2018, 2:10 p.m. - "If you want to throw the book at her, I have Gone Girl"

America's Next Top Model – "Beauty Is Real": Aw, Erin. She seemed cool. I don't think she was at supermodel level, though. At this point, this has to go to Khrystyana. Rating: 3 conflict-causing wigs

The X-Files – "Nothing Lasts Forever": This episode had some of the weirdest, grossest stuff I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. This should have come earlier in the season. It didn't feel right in the second-to-last slot. Rating: 3 candles

Speechless – "ONE A-N-ANGRY M-MAYA"; "A-C-ACTION": Yay, Sarah Chalke came back! She and Minnie Driver have great enemy chemistry together. I can't believe the season's almost over already. Rating: 4 books Maya's finally getting around to reading

March 18th, 2018, 3:34 p.m. - Falk and Carmen should probably stay away from each other

11. Force of Nature (Jane Harper)
Welp, I said I'd probably read a series starring Falk, and now I can say I definitely will. I liked this a lot more than The Dry. Harper is excellent at pacing, and uncovering just enough of a mystery at a time to keep you turning the pages.

Up next: Sunburn (Laura Lippman)

March 24th, 2018, 12:02 p.m. - Enough with all the fire stuff!

12. Sunburn (Laura Lippman)
Too slow, and I didn't care enough about the characters to be invested in what happened. Definitely not Lippman's best.

Up next: Endurance (Scott Kelly)

March 25th, 2018, 3:33 p.m. - "I love him." "I love him, too. Everybody loves Raymond." "Don't"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – "Safe House": I was going to give this a 4, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered little moments in the episode that I loved, and I had to give it a 5. Marc Evan Jackson is a national treasure. Rating: 5 belly-crawls through the living room

America's Next Top Model – "Beauty Is Personality": Apparently people...thought Jeana was a contender? Somehow? I haven't thought that since around week 3. She didn't have the personality, as was evident this week, and she wasn't likable enough for Tyra to ever pick her to win. We're better off without her. Rating: 4 feathers from the pillow fight

The X-Files – "My Struggle IV": It's very likely that this is the last we'll ever see of this show, and if that's the case, I'm fine with the ending. It wasn't perfect, but the show rarely was. And yes, the idea of Scully being pregnant was ridiculous, but...again, that's the show. Very little about it made sense. I'm satisfied with the way things wrapped up. Rating: 4 GPS trackers used for nefarious means

Speechless – "N-O-NOMINEE": This show better come back next season. Everyone's talent would be wasted otherwise. Even if I'm the only person watching, can they just make the show for me? Rating: 4 coyotes

Modern Family – "Wine Weekend": I giggled a lot during this episode, especially at the Oprah Winfrey/Michelle Obama stuff. Also: TWIIIIIIIITCH! I love Twitch. Rating: 4 tiaras

March 31st, 2018, 2:05 p.m. - "Scorpions gonna scorp"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – "The Negotiation": After the Halloween episodes, Doug Judy episodes are the show's best. Don't try to argue; you know I'm right. Rating: 4 stolen jewels

America's Next Top Model – "Beauty Is a Comeback": For once, I agree with Rio on something: Comeback chances are bull, and reality shows need to stop with them. Oh, wait, we agree on something else: Jeana shouldn't be here. Rating: 3 tarantulas

Modern Family – "Royal Visit": Alex is dating Dylan from American Vandal! This is the best news ever! Come back again, Bill! Keep showing us your magic! Rating: 4 cups with trivia questions on them

Supernatural – "Scoobynatural": I...kind of don't know what to do with this episode. As gimmicks go, it was out there, but it wasn't bad. I just still don't know why they did it. Rating: 4 haunted pocketknives

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