General Hospital blog - April, 2013

April 1st, 2013 – 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 50!

Dante saves Luke and Laura from being shot, and the three of them take out some of Helena's henchmen and gain control of the situation. Despite Helena's taunts that they won't be able to find Lulu, Luke and Laura go looking for her in a stateroom where surveillance says someone's being held. Sonny tells Michael that he's not sure if he wants Kate or Connie to come back from the integration, but he doesn't like that he can't control the outcome. He also talks about Brenda, because no conversation about Sonny's love life is complete without mentioning her. He keeps expecting Connie or Kate to come to the door, but I believe someone completely different is on his doorstep. Carly catches Bobbie up on her life, including tidbits on A.J., Jason, and Jax. Bobbie thinks Carly and Jax should get back together, and speak of the devil, Mr. Jacks is back in town. Elizabeth tells a still-unconscious Nikolas that she's scared to get into a relationship with A.J. since she's been down the brothers route before. She recaps that whole fiasco, then tells Nikolas she loves him. After she leaves (to be comforted by Audrey), Nikolas wakes up saying her name. Tracy celebrates her relish victory by hiring a new cook. When Monica finds out what she did to get the recipe, she finally, finally kicks her out of the house. Then they both hallucinate Alan, for some reason.

I think it would be funny if that were Ethan instead of Lulu. (Someone report that Nathan Parsons was spotted at the studio....)

$5 says Jax and Brenda are engaged. Also, if you haven't yet guessed who's at Sonny's door, I'll just say it's not Connie OR Kate.

Elizabeth finally mentioned the whole brothers thing! I can't believe it! I also can't believe that the only flashbacks we've gotten so far are of Nikolas and Elizabeth.

We better get an "it's my house"/"I gave it to her" tomorrow, or so help me....

April 2nd, 2013

Today would have been Steve Hardy's 50th anniversary at the hospital, so people say 50 a lot. Audrey spreads good cheer and Patrick tells the newest batch of interns that they have a lot to live up to. Luke and Laura accidentally rescue Ethan instead of Lulu, then get recaptured by Helena. Lulu is still MIA, Dante has now disappeared, and Helena wants Laura to shoot someone. Sonny's surprise visitor is Brenda, who finally reveals the contents of a letter she gave Robin to give him: She wanted him to join her in Rome. But it doesn't really matter, since they've both moved on now. Jax and Carly's divorce was never finalized, so he's brought her another set of papers to sign. She thinks the failed dissolution is a sign that they should get back together. He sees his engagement to Brenda as a sign that they shouldn't. Alan, Emily, and Rick's ghosts get Monica and Tracy to make up.

This almost felt like a finale episode, and would have worked as one. Thank goodness it wasn't!

Ha, I'm psychic. Welcome back, Ethan.

You know what, Jax and Brenda? You get married. Go live far away from Port Charles (you can visit when the mood strikes) and be happy. You've earned it.

They couldn't get Amber Tamblyn?

So I guess the secret ingredient in the relish is LSD? Or am I the one on drugs?

Hmmm...Tommy Hardy just graduated from med school...and there was a casting notice not long ago for a biracial actor to play a new doctor. Hmmm.... (Also, I think Roger Howarth should play Tom Hardy, and after seeing Tom in an episode SoapNet ran during their marathon last weekend, I can totally see it.)

April 3rd, 2013

Helena tells Laura she can have Lulu if she shoots Ethan. Laura seems kind of willing but won't sacrifice an innocent person, let alone Lulu's brother. Helena then offers up Lulu if Laura will shoot Luke. Instead, Laura gives him the gun and he shoots her goons, then Helena. As backup arrives, Luke sends Ethan off as a decoy, and he and Laura prepare to fight more Cassadine goons. Carly thinks Brenda's only marrying Jax to get a rise out of Sonny. She bets Jax a million dollars that Brenda is currently with Sonny, though Jax is certain that she's waiting in their hotel room. Carly sneaks into Sonny's house and overhears Brenda wondering what things would be like if Sonny had read the letter and they'd gotten back together. Ultimately, Sonny wishes Brenda luck, though he doesn't think Jax will make her happy, and they say good night on good terms. Jax, however, is alone in his hotel room, probably glad he didn't accept Carly's bet. The Nurses' Ball is coming along nicely. Patrick tells Elizabeth that he tried to talk to Sabrina but she never called him back. Elizabeth is sure Sabrina's busy, and later finds out that Sabrina doesn't even know there was a message. Milo feels bad about erasing said message but doesn't get the chance to tell Sabrina what he did. Anton the choreographer really wants Sam to dance.

Helena, you idiot. This is what you get for giving Laura a gun. Also, I'll believe Helena's dead when...strike that. I'll never believe she's dead.

They should have ended with Carly in Jax's hotel room, demanding her million dollars.

Heh, Michael's like me: "Good luck, everyone – just keep the crazy away from me."

I was joking last week when I said Milo inherited Jason's wardrobe, but then he turned up in this episode wearing a black T-shirt....

April 4th, 2013

Brenda lies to Jax's face, telling him she wasn't with Sonny the night before. Carly busts her by revealing that she snuck into Sonny's house and heard them talking. Carly in turn gets busted by Sonny, who found the scarf she dropped while she was eavesdropping. Jax gets Brenda to admit that she wants Sonny back, so that's probably over. Noah makes a surprise visit to attend the ball, but first he gives Patrick some much-needed advice about Sabrina. Felix gives Sabrina a makeover so she'll catch Patrick's attention and either get him interested or make him realize what he's missing. It totally works. Mac, Duke, Felicia, and Anna talk relationships for the millionth time, and I really can't take it anymore. It's time to party (even though Kevin has to leave)!

I don't love Carly or anything, but I can certainly respect her ability to light a match, toss it on some gasoline, and walk away triumphant.

I changed my mind – Jax, you deserve better than Brenda.

What's up with the show's obsession with Seattle? Is it because they tape on the same lot as Grey's Anatomy?

Sorry, Milo. You're in for an awkward evening. (Not as awkward as Brenda's, though.)

April 5th, 2013

The ball participants and audience make red-carpet arrivals, then kick things off with Molly and T.J.'s opening number. Patrick and Sabrina finally express their feelings for each other and get a fairytale moment. Felicia feels pressure to choose between Mac and Frisco, who both use the ball to try to win her over. Mac's dummy routine is a ten-minute Frisco bash, ending with him telling Felicia he wants her to be happy no matter what. Frisco counters by singing "All I Need" and proposing. Spinelli and Ellie perform "She Blinded Me with Science" and try to avoid baby talk. Brenda acts like a child, so Carly has her thrown out. As for Jax, he doesn't even show up. Anton convinces Sam to dance with him. Milo confesses to Sabrina that he erased the message, but she's too happy with Patrick to care. Someone unseen surprises Lucy.

I have to admit, I didn't like most of the dresses we saw today. I did like Sabrina's and Molly's; I especially appreciate that Molly's was age-appropriate (same with Emma's). And I loved the color of Ellie's dress, but not the bow on it.

Whoever wrote the red-carpet commentator's lines is my new hero.

People, stop encouraging Mac! Emma is the only person who should be reasonably amused by his jokes, and it's only because she's too young to have heard them before!

I hate that whole "we didn't even practice!" thing. Why didn't they just have Anton talk Sam into performing a few days ago? Because – and this is a weird compliment – Kelly Monaco was too good for it to look unrehearsed.

Jax didn't even come to the ball? Dumb. I still think he's the anonymous donor.

Back in town: Brenda Barrett, Noah Drake, Jax Jacks
Back in towns that aren't Port Charles, or back as hallucinations, or back after having been off-screen for a long time while still remaining in town: Audrey Hardy, Ethan Lovett, Alan Quartermaine, Emily Quartermaine, Rick Webber
Engaged (well, probably not anymore): Brenda Barrett and Jax Jacks
Presumed dead: Helena Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): "You faked his death, too??"; "What are abs?"
Funniest moments (unintentional): Luke accidentally rescuing the wrong child; Emily basically saying, "Can we speed this up? I have someone else to haunt"
Saddest moment: When I realized the dummy wasn't going away
Sweetest/cutest moment: I loved how sweet Laura was to Ethan (especially contrasted with how horrible Luke was to Nikolas when they first met)
Least believable moment: "Hey, do you want to dance this intricate, complicated routine with me, despite having no training and never having seen it before?"
Heroes of the week: Noah and Felix
Most annoying characters: Brenda, Mac (enough with the dummy already!)
Smartest character: I kind of want to say Carly, if only for saving Jax from inevitable heartbreak
Dumbest character: Helena, for giving Laura a gun
Things we learned this week: 1. Little Tommy Hardy is a doctor now.
2. Lucky's in Africa (with Tom Hardy?).

April 6th, 2013

Next week: There will be some major discoveries and revelations, which are being kept under wraps. But there's one that's been made known, and it involves Brenda starting a brand-new club, and me throwing up for a week.

April 8th, 2013

Britt gets cold feet about Obrecht's revenge scheme, but her mother talks her back into it. Just as Patrick wraps up a tribute to Robin, Britt takes the stage, saying she has an important announcement. Obrecht watches proudly with a picture of Britt's father – Faison. Richard Simmons turns psychotic and keeps Lucy from tangoing with Duke, so he enlists Anna as a sub. She's so happy that she kisses him, then confirms to Emma that they're back together. Felicia turns down Frisco's proposal and promptly gets engaged to Mac. Frisco decides to take his ball and go home, ditching Maxie once again. Milo, Max, Michael, Felix, Spinelli, and Anton bring Magic Milo and Friends to the masses. Noah arranges a special performance by Rick Springfield, then rebuffs Bobbie's claim that they look alike. Emma and Sabrina perform "Call Me Maybe," and everyone in the world dies of cuteness. Ellie overhears Maxie saying something to Frisco about "the truth about the baby."

My guess is that Britt's going to announce that she's pregnant. I don't know why else she would wear a fur coat, other than to hide a fake belly.

OF COURSE Faison is Britt's father. Who else would it have been? (Robert would have been a nice twist, though.)

Let's hope that's the last of Frisco. Fingers crossed!

I thought Marc Samuel (Felix) might have had some dance training; a couple of the moves he did last week looked pretty polished. I think his turn in the strip routine proved that.

April 9th, 2013

Britt does, indeed, announce that she's pregnant, and it's not clear if she's lying or not. Sabrina doubts the baby's paternity, and Emma doubts that it even exists, since Britt isn't known for her honesty. Patrick assures Sabrina that, baby or no baby, he's not breaking up with her. Maxie picks a fight with Ellie over her eavesdropping, but it doesn't keep Ellie from sharing her suspicions with Spinelli that Maxie, Frisco, and Britt are keeping a secret. Michael's girlfriend, whose name is apparently not allowed to be spoken anymore, dumps him over the phone. Olivia does a medium act, but it's kind of mean. Molly, T.J., and Nancy Lee Grahn's daughter Kate do a rock song together. A.J. and Elizabeth do an act together, but we don't get to see it. Epiphany and the Revelations (Monica and Tracy) do "Jump for Your Love." Sabrina and Patrick sing some heartwarming song and everyone is all hand-holdy and Kumbaya.

So is Britt actually pregnant? She and Obrecht are talking like she is. But then she says things like she's due in "six months or so," like wouldn't an OB be more specific? Also, how is she showing more than Maxie is?

I may be a horrible person, but...Britt's right, Patrick should have known better than most that he should use protection. I mean, I wouldn't have said it to his face, of course, but still.

"Do you need bail or an alibi? Not judging – I just want to be prepared." And that's why everyone needs a friend like Felix.

I wonder if A.J. and Elizabeth were originally supposed to perform on camera, but it had to be cut for some reason (like an injury)? Or was it always supposed to be unseen? I'm guessing we'll never know what they did, either.

April 10th, 2013

Luke and Laura wake up in the same bed after having been ambushed during the attack on the boat. Laura realizes they're on Cassadine Island, so Luke figures a Cassadine brought them there. As they get dressed up to meet their host, a now-conscious Nikolas warns Alexis and Elizabeth that the Spencers are all in danger, but not from Helena – from Stavros. Carly goes to Brenda's hotel room to kick her out and learns that she didn't spend the night there alone. She thinks Brenda rebounded with Sonny, but instead, Brenda went for Sonny Jr. Carly flips out, understandably, and Brenda adds fuel to the fire. Scott and Bobbie have to talk Carly out of telling Sonny, since they think he'll kill Brenda. Mac and Felicia act helpful in the Lulu investigation but are really only on to talk to Anna about relationship stuff AGAIN. A.J. does the same with Duke.

You know, this Stavros thing makes sense. I mean, it doesn't, but it does. I wondered if he was alive; they never officially established that he was dead. And there was a look Helena gave last week when Luke mentioned her sons that made me suspicious. But now I have to wonder who shot Nikolas. I assumed it was the same person who kidnapped Lulu, but Stavros wouldn't shoot his own son. (Or would he? I mean...Cassadines.)

Aww, Luke and Laura got to dress up even though they missed the ball. (I love Laura's dress, by the way.)

Darn ambiguous show! I can't tell if Brenda and Michael did anything or not. She said he had nothing to be ashamed of, but the way he told A.J. they slept together, it sounds like he thinks differently. I really need to know whether I need to throw up until I die. Also, can we talk about the irony of Carly being mad that Brenda slept with her former stepson considering who Carly was shacking up with back in the '90s?

Brenda may be evil, but this made me laugh:
Carly: "This is not over."
Brenda: "Gosh, I hope not."
Carly throws a glass
Brenda: "You missed."

Good, Scott has Bobbie to turn to when Laura inevitably kicks him to the curb.

April 11th, 2013

Nikolas gives Alexis and Elizabeth the back story: He went to Greece after sending Helena to talk to Robert, and figured out that Helena was hiding something from him. He found Stavros in a high-tech lab and learned that Helena had saved him (again). Helena told him that they were in Turkey (back in January), and when Stavros saw Lulu, he thought she was Laura. From then on, Stavros was obsessed with Lulu, and using her to recapture what he thinks he once had with Laura. He sent her the mini Ice Princess as a reminder of their past, kidnapped her so they could be together, and had Nikolas shot so he couldn't warn anyone. Stavros also thinks Dante is dead, which means he has no rival for Lulu's affections. Over in Greece, Luke and Laura figure out the same things, as well as the fact that Stavros has placed both his mother and his "girlfriend" on ice. Dante winds up in Greece as well, makes it to the high-tech lab, and finds his wifesicle. Brenda continues to push Carly's buttons, so of course they get into a catfight. Carly threatens to tell Sonny everything, then calls her own bluff, since Sonny already has enough to worry about with Dante being gone. A.J. has the exact opposite reaction to Michael's escapades, congratulating him for a) sleeping with a model, b) stealing Brenda from Sonny, and c) ticking off Carly all at the same time. Sonny and Olivia get the boring, expositiony scenes, talking about Brenda and Kate/Connie. Olivia also has a vision of Dante saying he couldn't save Lulu.

Congratulations, Stavros: You win the prize for creepiest villain ever.

So Nikolas knew that Stavros was alive for weeks and didn't say anything? Yeah, he's right, this is his fault.

Thank you, Carly, for finally voicing what we've all known for years: Sonny only sees women as madonnas or whores.

God help me, but I enjoy A.J.'s enjoyment.

April 12th, 2013

Dante tries to get to Lulu in the ice lab while Luke and Laura spend half an hour pestering Stavros over here whereabouts. They finally all converge at the lab, where the good guys grab Lulu and put Stavros in the ice lab. The bad news is that Lulu isn't breathing, and the worse news is that no one thinks to try to revive her with CPR. A cruise ship picks up Ethan, who relays information to the WSB that makes it to Anna. After worrying about Dante for a couple of hours, Olivia and Sonny are relieved to learn that he's most likely alive. Maxie wonders what will happen to the baby if Lulu and Dante don't make it back. Elizabeth and Nikolas kill time by talking about their past. Monica really wants A.J. and Elizabeth to be together, and she warns A.J. to move quickly since Nikolas could prove to be an obstacle.

It's hard to feel tense about Lulu when you remember that they wouldn't have recast the role just to kill off the character.

"What is wrong with these people? Why can't they just die?" Sometimes Sonny says what we're all thinking. Also, Anna shouldn't be so skeptical of people being back from the dead, considering she and both her husbands have been in the same situation.

While we're talking legalities, does Spinelli have rights to the baby?

Geez, Monica, slow your roll. I didn't think you even liked Elizabeth that much.

Y'all, Roger Howarth is coming back on May 10th. MY BIRTHDAY. That's the best present ever.

Back from the dead: Stavros Cassadine
Back together (sort of): Anna Devane and Duke Lavery
Broke up: Michael Corinthos and Starr Manning
Engaged: Felicia Jones and Mac Scorpio
Left town: Jax Jacks (did they really only bring him back for three episodes?), Frisco Jones

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Olivia telling Michael not to keep stripping; "Do you need bail or an alibi? Not judging – I just want to be prepared"; Tracy rolling her eyes when everyone gave Lucy a standing ovation; Brenda taunting Carly; A.J.'s glee over the Michael/Brenda/Carly mess; "What is it with these people? Why can't they just die?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): There was a lot of scenery-chewing in Friday's cliffhanger scene
Saddest moment: Everyone thinking Lulu's dead
Sweetest/cutest moments: Sabrina and Emma's performance, obviously; Mac and Maxie having a father/daughter moment
Least believable moment: Nikolas knew about Stavros and didn't tell anyone
Hero of the week: The 90%-successful Dante
Most annoying character: Dr. Obrecht
Smartest character: Emma, for doubting Britt's story (and when the smartest character is also the youngest...)
Dumbest characters: Dante, Luke, and Laura, who apparently have never heard of CPR
Previously unanswered questions now answered: 1. Britt's father is Faison.
2. Stavros kidnapped Lulu and sent her the mini Ice Princess.
Things we learned this week: 1. Haley Pullos knows the words to "Jessie's Girl."
2. Dr. Obrecht enjoys the music of Rick Springfield.
3. Stavros knows Luke's inseam.

April 13th, 2013

Next week: Need to find your long-lost serial-killer brother's daughter, who may or may not actually exist? McCall & Jackal, P.I. at your service! Well, Jackal, at least. I don't think McCall does that stuff anymore. But if you need Cheerios, she's your woman.

April 15th, 2013

After half an hour of talking to her body, Dante and the Spencers finally revive Lulu. Everything is totally, 100% fine, except for the fact that she has no idea who they are. Also, Stavros is supposedly dead, but I highly doubt it. While Carly and A.J. fight over what Sonny should or shouldn't know, Michael renders the discussion moot, telling him everything. Sonny can forgive him because he was drunk and obviously feels horrible about what happened, but Brenda won't be let off the hook so easily. Fortunately for her, Sonny's attempt to confront her is put on hold by the return of Kate/Connie. Sabrina and Felix wonder why Britt chose the Nurses' Ball to announce her pregnancy, since she couldn't have known it would disrupt Sabrina and Patrick's new relationship. Obrecht tells Britt to use the element of surprise to her advantage. Britt does so by telling Patrick that she's not going to have the baby after all. Scott gets drunk and kisses Bobbie, who tries to assure him that Laura will still want to be with him when she gets back. After he and Patrick have a strange encounter with Obrecht, Noah heads to Seattle for his new job at the hospital where Bobbie works.

Whee, an amnesia plot! I actually love amnesia plots, because I am weird.

If I'm ever in an emergency, please keep Dante, Luke, and Laura away from me. If I'm allowed to request who tends to me in such an instance, I would ask for Patrick and Shawn.

I, for one, totally believed that Sonny was going to shoot Michael. Also, I just gave my life savings to some Nigerian princes.

Place your bets now: Connie or Kate?

I can't tell you how disappointed I am that Bobbie and Noah don't work at Grey Sloan Memorial.

April 16th, 2013

Lulu thinks Stavros is her husband, and she's reluctant to go anywhere with her parents and real husband. Connie and Kate are now a hybrid going by the name Connie. She thinks she'll relapse if she goes back to Sonny, so she reluctantly breaks up with him. Patrick doesn't call Britt's bluff, assuming that's what she's doing. Felix has basically figured out Britt's entire plan, assuming she doesn't have an abortion. After her umpteenth fight with A.J., Tracy announces that he can have ELQ because she's going to start her own company, TAQ. He informs her that he owns the name Pickle-Lila. Spinelli visits Heather to start his search for Lauren Frank. She plays dumb until he tells her that if she helps, she'll keep Tracy and Luke from getting back together (since gaining control of ELQ would make Tracy rich, and Luke would want her back). Katie Couric poses as a doctor to get dirt on the Cassadines and Spencers from Nikolas. Epiphany busts her as a tabloid reporter, and Nikolas threatens to sic Alexis on her and buy her TV show.

If I were Lulu, I'd go with Dante. He's cuter than Stavros.

Hey, now Sonny and Carly can get back together. Crap, did I say that out loud?

Spinelli really is a genius. Also, I can't believe Heather is still talking about that freaking letter. IT'S BEEN A YEAR, HEATHER. Find a new obsession.

You know how Vanessa Marcil never ages? Katie Couric doesn't either.

April 17th, 2013

Alexis helps Lucy petition for custody of Rafe, but Lucy's recent legal and mental issues put the kibosh on that. For some reason, Lucy thinks Sam is the next best choice. Spinelli thinks Betsy might have answers on Lauren's whereabouts. Carly learns that Connie's back but has split from Sonny. She blasts Connie for ditching him, then decides to tell Sonny about Brenda and Michael, because right after he's been dumped is the perfect time to give him more bad news. Meanwhile, Sonny talks to Olivia about the whole thing, because he has no other friends and Shawn was busy (doing nothing). Ellie and Spinelli think that Maxie's baby secret is actually about Britt's baby, not Lulu and Dante's. Five minutes later, Ellie overhears Britt and Maxie dispelling that theory. Michael and A.J. decide to make their own version of Pickle-Lila and take advantage of brand recognition.

How, exactly, is Sam a good choice as Rafe's guardian? I mean, no offense to her or anything, but it makes no sense.

Lucy's claim that she and Kevin are moving back to town better be true.

Me, yesterday: "Why doesn't Spinelli go ask Betsy if she knows where Lauren is?" Spinelli, today: "Heather said Betsy might know where Lauren is." Me, today: "Did we really spend 45 minutes building up to that?"

I can't think of anything else to say about today's episode – I'm too distracted by the sight of Nikolas' chest in the previews for tomorrow.

April 18th, 2013

Michael has the world's most awkward encounter with Brenda, first because A.J.'s so proud of his little boy and then because Michael admits that he told Sonny what happened. Brenda admits that she has a confession to make. Carly wants Sonny to take action against Brenda before she causes any more trouble. Sam agrees to take in Rafe. No one should ever tell T.J. that Molly offered to run away with Rafe if he couldn't find a foster home. A.J. really has a problem with Nikolas hugging Elizabeth. The two of them do that typical macho posturing thing, making it clear that they don't want Elizabeth with the other. Connie and Olivia spend an hour boring me.

Yeah, I'm more convinced than ever that Brenda and Michael didn't do anything.

To play devil's advocate, how do Carly and Sonny know she wasn't drunk, too? And if, as Carly said, Brenda just wants attention from Sonny, and her biggest fear is that he'll ignore her, why doesn't he...just ignore her?

Living with Sam would be fun. There probably aren't a lot of rules, there's a cute baby to play with, and you get your own bathroom.

A.J., Nikolas is what's known as a visitor. He doesn't even live in Port Charles anymore. He hasn't made any indication that he plans to move back. CHILL.

April 19th, 2013

Amnesia-stricken: Lulu Spencer-Falconeri
Broke up: Sonny Corinthos and Connie Falconeri
Left town: Noah Drake, Lisa Obrecht, Bobbie Spencer

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Heather starting to ask Spinelli to take Steven a letter, then cracking up
Funniest moment (unintentional): Can't think of anything
Saddest moment: Bobbie left just as I was starting to appreciate her again
Sweetest/cutest moment: Spinelli and Danny
Least believable moment: Let's make the audience think Sonny's going to shoot Michael!
Hero of the week: Sam, for agreeing to let Rafe live with her
Most annoying character: A.J., whose Brenda-related snark couldn't make up for his stupid bull with Nikolas
Smartest character: Spinelli, for making Heather think she would gain something by helping
Dumbest character: Also Spinelli, for not figuring out sooner that he should talk to Betsy
Things we learned this week: 1. Connie used to be a brunette.
2. Not one Davis knows how to dress for court.
3. The penthouse has three bedrooms and three bathrooms. (I'm not sure how Lucy knows that, though.)

April 20th, 2013

Next week: Welcome to Port Charles, Lulu! Here are a bunch of crazy people you supposedly know.

April 22nd, 2013

Brenda tells Michael that they didn't do anything after all, and she set things up for Carly to find them together. A.J. taunts Carly with the news that he knows where Brenda is, and that she's with Michael, but won't reveal their location until she threatens to "make [him] a falsetto." By the time she gets to Michael, Brenda's at the airport, where she runs into Sonny. Lulu needs a sedative. Ellie thinks Maxie's hiding a medical problem with the baby. Connie rehires Maxie with the promise that she won't be as mean as Kate was. Sonny and Olivia have been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't they?

Brenda, you realize that lying about sleeping with Michael might actually make you a WORSE person than if you'd really slept with him?

Carly castrating A.J. would actually be doing Elizabeth a favor. I think four kids with four guys would definitely make her more of a slut than Carly.

Poor David. Er, Dante.

Heh, Maxie made a good point: It's hard to decide who you'd rather work for, the mean one or the crazy one.

April 23rd, 2013

Dante has turned into an intense, stalker-y mess, and it's making Lulu (and me) anxious. Patrick tries to calm her down and keep her family from overwhelming her. Obviously it doesn't work, since she goes AWOL. At the Floating Rib, Connie and Milo talk about their recent romantic mishaps, and she tries to convince him that the woman of his dreams could be right around the corner. Then Lulu comes in, so make of that what you will. Luke pulls a Brenda and tells Scott that he and Laura slept together. Scott kind of deserves it since he's such a territorial jerk. Speaking of Brenda, she wants Sonny to come to Rome with her, but he knows it would never work. Michael tells Carly that Brenda came clean, but she still wants revenge. Felix thinks Sabrina and Patrick are taking things too slowly, even though they've only been dating for, like, two days. Laura tells Nikolas that she killed Stavros and has no defense for it. Nikolas approves of Scott and Laura's engagement, encouraging Scott to do what Luke never could: stick around.

My mom and I were just talking about how they should give Milo more to do...

Talk about an ambiguous ending. Does this mean Brenda drugged Michael's coffee?

Lucas (or whoever) needs to get over here now and distract Felix from meddling in other people's love lives.

Don't worry, Laura. It's not murder if he's not really dead. (And I'm, like, 95 percent sure he isn't.)

April 24th, 2013

Felicia thinks Mac hid her engagement ring in a bowl of nuts at the Floating Rib, but it's Lulu's, which she absent-mindedly left there the night before. She then hid out at Milo's, proud of herself for evading a cop. Maxie recognizes the ring, and Mac learns from the previous night's bartender that Lulu left with a guy. Milo returns to retrieve the ring just as Dante threatens to kill the mystery man. Nikolas tells Elizabeth about his fight with A.J., and she rightfully gets mad that A.J. thinks he can dictate who she spends time with. Also, she won't let Nikolas put his clothes on so he can look for Lulu, and for that, I thank her. Michael and A.J. make Shawn a partner when he provides them with a spice that makes their relish awesome. Meanwhile, Tracy tries and fails to find an investor for Pickle-Tracy, but she thinks Nikolas might be willing to help her. Ellie is obsessed with finding out Maxie's secret, and definitely crosses a line when she gets access to the doctors' patient records.

They're really making it hard for me to make NuLu.

What was this, Shirtless Guy Day? Why do I sound like I'm complaining? Also, I'd like it noted for the record that Tyler Christopher spent the entire episode in his underwear. Thank you, show. Also, ironically, the award for best performance by an inanimate object goes to Nikolas' pants.

Little Kabul? Sure.

Two possible solutions for Tracy: 1) Get a picture of Lily from Sonny. Rename relish Pickle-Lily. 2) Cut Skye in on the profits. Rename relish Pickle-Lila Rae. I'll stop now.

April 25th, 2013

Milo plays dumb (not much of a stretch, really) about Lulu's disappearance as Maxie wonders if Lulu went off with someone she knows. Dante hires Max and Milo to find her. Meanwhile, Max finds Lulu at Milo's and makes her call Dante to tell him she's okay. Britt catches Ellie looking at Maxie's files and threatens to report her for hacking into confidential patient information. Ellie counters with a threat to tell Lulu and Dante that Britt's hiding something about the baby. Elizabeth yells at A.J. for being a jerk about Nikolas, and he makes things worse by pointing out that she hooked up with Nikolas behind Lucky's back. Elizabeth decides that's a deal-breaker, and whatever relationship they were working toward isn't going to happen. Britt tells Patrick she's having the abortion that afternoon, then goes to his house crying that she can't go through with it. Nikolas isn't interested in Tracy's business proposal until she tells him he would be causing trouble for A.J. It turns out there's no good way to explain abortion to your five-year-old. Patrick and Sabrina kiss for, like, a fourth of the episode.

I didn't realize it until today, but Max looks like Timothy Omundson from Psych. I think it's a combination of his haircut and his suit.

I don't think a week goes by without someone threatening to tell Monica something. And yet we never see her.

That spine looks good on you, Elizabeth.

I actually squealed when I saw Johnny in the previews. I almost don't want him to come back just for a couple of days when he's just going to leave for good. Wait, yes, I do.

April 26th, 2013

Britt derails Patrick and Sabrina's first date by asking him to come with her to the abortion clinic. Felix suspects that she planned the timing. Maxie yells at Ellie for a while, but just succeeds in making her want to find out her secret even more. Ellie gets a clueless Spinelli to help her hack into the hospital mainframe. Carly gives Sabrina relationship advice, though it's mostly what not to do. Johnny calls Carly, who won't accept the call, then Connie, who agrees to visit him at Pentonville. Apparently he has some very important information for her. Anna and Duke are happy, which means I'm bored.

If Britt's showing that much, it should be too late for an abortion. Or the wardrobe people need to use smaller pillows.

Why are Maxie and Ellie still living together? And how awkward are things in that apartment?

I wish Connie had sent Maxie to Pentonville in her place so we could have had one final Johnny/Maxie scene (which I begged for for months and never got).

Okay, writers, we know who Lauren is. We don't need exposition every time someone brings her up.

Left town: Brenda Barrett

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): "I think I like him less now than I did when he was dead"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Britt and Maxie accused Ellie of hacking, and then ten minutes later, she actually did hack
Saddest moment: When I realized we're facing the last minutes of Johnny Zacchara
Sweetest/cutest moment: I liked how nice Carly was to Sabrina
Least believable moment: Nikolas almost died three days ago, is now able to support Elizabeth's body weight and lie around without clothes on
Hero of the week: Elizabeth, for keeping Nikolas unclothed for all of Wednesday's episode
Most annoying character: Scott. Shut up, garden gnome
Smartest character: Tracy, for picking the most perfect investor she could have picked
Dumbest character: Ellie, for hacking in a public place
Things we learned this week: 1. Milo has a really nice apartment.
2. Stavros let Lulu keep her wedding ring.
3. The Floating Rib keeps the same bowl of peanuts out all night.
4. Shawn keeps Alexis turned on with a spice smuggled out of Afghanistan.
5. There's a Little Kabul somewhere near Port Charles.
6. And now we all know how to hack into the hospital's computer system.

April 27th, 2013

Next week: Here come the love triangles....

April 29th, 2013

Britt guilts Patrick into agreeing to help support the baby, then confesses to a clinic employee that she never planned to have an abortion in the first place (probably because you can't abort a pillow). Johnny gives Connie the convoluted plot device that will bring Morgan back into the fold: He's gotten involved in online gambling at school, and some bad guys may be targeting him to get money out of his parents. He wants Connie to let Sonny and Carly know. Olivia takes Sonny to the Metro Court for his birthday, though it's the last place he wants to be, considering it was the setting of the Great Cake Massacre of 2012 (which led to Connie and Johnny hooking up). A.J. and Carly go another round, and when Sonny arrives, A.J.'s even happier. He thinks Brenda lied about not hooking up with Michael, then pokes at Sonny over and over until he inevitably gets punched. The fight ends with A.J. having a panic attack and Sonny deciding this is the best birthday ever. When he blows out the candle on his cake, Connie appears. Sam thinks Rafe is traumatized because he's distracted all the time. Of course, he's distracted by Molly, who he admits he has feelings for. She reluctantly friendzones him and says nothing to T.J. Felix and Sabrina teach Emma about doctor-patient confidentiality.

Not that I want her mother back or anything, but Britt needs someone to talk to so she doesn't have to spill plot secrets to under-fives.

They did that gambling plotline (or a variation of it) 17 years ago with Lucky. It ended with Damian Smith being murdered and Laura being arrested. Just saying.

Farewell, Johnny Z. I'll miss you, even if no one else will.

Shawn, according to recent reports, $500 is less than half of what most people pay for prom, so consider yourself lucky.

Is Sabrina wearing orange nail polish with a pink dress? Felix, get on that.

April 30th, 2013

Sonny can't get in touch with Morgan, so he thinks something's wrong and decides to take Shawn to go check on him. Lulu wants to stay with Milo, who she's totally into now. Max warns that Sonny won't be pleased to learn about Milo's deception, but Milo can't bring himself to kick out his new roommate. Max goes straight to Dante and tells him where Lulu is. Meanwhile, Lulu and Milo kiss. Nikolas wants to stay in Port Charles until he knows Lulu's okay, and probably also because he doesn't want to leave Elizabeth. He intercepts a call from A.J., making A.J. think Elizabeth has already moved on and is in bed with him. Nikolas isn't at all upset on Elizabeth's behalf and takes the opportunity to tell her he's still in love with her. There's kissing. Carly bugs A.J. about his panic attacks, his failure to get anything started with Elizabeth, and his laziness, which runs so deep that he can't even bring himself to fall off the wagon. After his call to Elizabeth, A.J. gives in and starts to take a drink, then stops himself. Carly taunts him some more, and he responds by kissing her. Ellie still sucks at stealth, looking at Maxie's medical records in their shared living room. But she does finally find out that Maxie had a miscarriage. Connie doesn't suspect at all that Olivia might wind up with Sonny.

Sonny called Morgan once and he didn't answer, so now Sonny's going to go find him? I bet Morgan's totally okay and doesn't appreciate the surprise visit.

Happy Unexpected Kissing That Could Lead to More Day! Use protection, everyone!

Oh, Ellie. I thought you were better than this.

I want all the dresses Olivia has worn in the past two weeks.

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