General Hospital blog - August, 2013

August 1st, 2013

Duke interrogates Ava about her family, though she keeps insisting she's not one of those Jeromes. He knows she has a silent partner at her gallery, but she won't tell him who it is. It looks like it's Derek, who she calls Julian. Franco can't donate to Danny after all, leaving the Davises with no more options. Alexis promises to give Sam any help she can figuring out who her father is. Silas decides to recheck the samples of everyone who was tested for Danny, just in case the results were wrong. Plus, it's an opportunity for him to run a paternity test on Kiki. Carly and Sonny discuss their sons and their disagreements over how to best show Morgan they really do love him. Sonny keeps quiet about Kiki's paternity but does tell Carly that there's more to the story. Derek (or whatever his name is) gives Connie one more chance to save the paper and Crimson, so Connie's probably going to break her promise to Sonny. Morgan challenges Michael to prove his support for his marriage by being his best man. Dante and Anna manage to figure out 95 percent of what happened the night Olivia was shot, but not who pulled the trigger. They suspect that the shooter was a professional.

Trivia: Julian Jerome was (is?) Lucas' biological father, so if Derek/Julian is also Sam's father, Sam and Lucas are siblings. And if Ava is Derek/Julian's sister, Kiki and Sam are cousins.

If this family structure is correct, there are three ironies: 1) Danny, alias Victor, had a great-grandfather named Victor. 2) Former rivals Sam and Carly share a brother. 3) Connie's story about Kiki's paternity will be broken by her uncle's newspaper.

Carly's losing her touch. I'm surprised she didn't start harassing Sonny about what he's not telling her.

Connie, you probably shouldn't use Sonny to intimidate someone when you're two seconds away from betraying him.

Oh, now the cops are smart? Maybe they heard me talking trash about them.


August 2nd, 2013

Ava and Julian (who, yes, are siblings) have some plan in place to reclaim their mob territory and take over ELQ. Ava orchestrated Morgan and Kiki's meeting and encouraged their relationship, which is why she's so happy that they're engaged. Alexis submits to a hypnosis session with Kevin in hopes of remembering the name of Sam's father. Just as she remembers it's Julian, Sam shows up at Crimson and meets him. Connie tells Tracy that Kiki isn't a Quartermaine, then tries to convince her to keep it quiet. Tracy talks her into publishing the story, so Connie heads up to Ava and Franco's bedroom to look for proof of Kiki's paternity. She finds it, but she gets caught before she can look at it. Tracy needs Lucy's 1 percent since Kiki's inability to vote leaves her and A.J. in a tie. Fortunately for her, Lucy needs more money for the spa. Luke follows the $88 million to Switzerland and tries to find out where it went. The bank executive insists that Jerry's dead but mentions that someone else was looking for the money. They're interrupted by some masked men (and one woman) who pretend to shoot Luke, then usher the executive out so they can use the computer. Fortunately for Luke, but unfortunately for people like me who don't like her, his savior is Holly. Shawn tells Sonny that the gamblers who intimidated Morgan are back in play; they don't realize they're being controlled by Ava, too. Anna and Duke can't legally investigate the Jeromes, so they turn to Sonny for help.

How does ELQ fit into Ava's plans? I'm lost.

I know I wanted answers on Sam's father (and don't get me wrong, I'm glad we finally got them), but I feel like this has gone really fast. I mean, Derek/Julian has only been on for four days. They should have dragged things out a little longer about his identity.

Are Connie and Johnny still married? Connie, get an annulment already!

Me: "Yes, Connie, she's hiding it in a pillow. ...Oh, she is hiding it in a pillow."

Ug, Holly. Yeah, hi, whatever. Did you at least bring Ethan with you?

Scorecard:
Back from the dead: Julian Jerome
Back in town: Derek Wells/Julian Jerome
Back in a town that isn't Port Charles: Holly Sutton
Fired: Alice Gunderson

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Maxie to Connie: "You love someone at ELQ?"; Luke talking about how horrible and intimidating Carly and Tracy are
Funniest moments (unintentional): "This is New York." Thank you, Ava. I laugh every time the characters mention going to New York (meaning the city) when they live in New York (the state); Sam talking to Kevin about her father, since Jon Lindstrom used to play Kelly Monaco's father
Saddest moment: Sam feeling like she's failed as a mother
Sweetest/cutest moment: There's no cuteness left. It's all angst
Least believable moment: Everyone's allowed to hang out in the hospital lab now
Best instances of continuity: Emma was "not planned"; Carly's past parallels Kiki's present; Sonny has a childhood picture of Michael and Morgan that includes the actual actors who played them as kids
Worst instance of continuity: Patrick said Robin wasn't ready for motherhood, but she'd actually been trying for a while to get pregnant
Hero of the week: Kevin! And Holly, I guess
Most annoying character: Obrecht
Smartest character: Ava, I guess
Dumbest characters: Connie, for telling Tracy something confidential and then expecting her to keep her mouth shut; the assassin who took off his mask
Long unanswered question now finally answered: Sam's father is Julian Jerome.
Unanswered questions of the week: Who's the father of Britt's baby?
Things we learned this week: 1. Kiki's birthday is May 29th.
2. Someone at the Quartermaines' reads Crimson.


August 3rd, 2013

Next week: Connie's made a huge mistake.


August 5th, 2013

Monica catches Connie in Franco and Ava's room, so Connie makes up a story about getting a tip about a disturbance in the house. Monica doesn't believe her, but Tracy steps in and says she tore up the room because she was mad about Ava losing Kiki's vote. Connie and Tracy get their hands on Kiki's birth certificate, and Tracy talks Connie into breaking the story in the paper. Scott and Lucy get Tracy to up her price, but Lucy eventually pledges her 1 percent, so Tracy's having a really good day. Luke and Holly spend 59 minutes recapping the storyline and being boring, then make up for it in the final minute. Just after Jerry was supposedly killed, the $88 million was transferred into another account, then retrieved by Sean Donely. Sam manages to find Julian's sympathetic side, and he agrees to run a front-page story about Danny in hopes of finding a donor. Kiki wants to bond with Franco, not realizing that Silas is very close to getting back the results of the paternity test. Silas lets Ava know that she's about to be busted. Alexis is overwhelmed by the idea of finding a Julian in a haystack. Scott and Lucy make both me and Kevin angry.

Heh, Connie wants to bump a story about Julian's grandson for a story about his niece. It would be nice of her to warn Silas, though.

Before Tracy cleaned it up, I was going to say that Monica wouldn't be so okay with the mess in Franco and Ava's room when she found out she no longer has a maid.

I'd read that John Reilly was going to pop in, but I didn't trust the source. Now I trust it. They may have to call him Donely so people don't confuse him with Shawn.

Am I crazy (always a possibility) or did Roger Howarth look a lot like Steve Burton today?

I realized today that there are four – FOUR! – paternity storylines going on right now: Sam's, Kiki's, Britt's baby's, and Maxie's baby's. Though in three of the four cases, we know who the father is.


August 6th, 2013

Connie has a last-minute change of heart and tries to get the ELQ story pulled, but Julian – who has, for some reason, approved a story that will majorly affect his sister – is the only one who can authorize it, and he won't. In the morning, the paper comes out with the headline "Kiki Not a Q." Morgan gives Kiki a ring and they reaffirm their love for each other (or "love," more accurately). Alexis meets (well, remeets) Julian; he finds her familiar, but she has no idea who he is. He tells her the story about Danny will run, but not on the front page anymore. Silas is willing to delay getting the paternity-test results because Sam has no one else to hang out with. Michael and Olivia bond over being in love with people they can't be with. Elizabeth renews her membership in the Slept With Siblings Club.

Cue Sonny/Connie breakup in 5...4...

I really wish we could have seen the rest of Connie and Julian's conversation about the article, because I'd love to know his rationalization for running it without consulting Ava.

Morgan bought Kiki a dress? I guess that's a genetic thing. Also, they got engaged before they ever said "I love you"? Why do they think this is going to work out?

Oh, really, Mac, "we" will find another solution? Since when are you involved in Danny's plotline? Or in any plotline? Thanks for trying; please go refill the peanuts.

Michael and Olivia really need some friends.


August 7th, 2013

As soon as people start reading the paper, all Hell breaks loose. Tracy gives the news to A.J., telling him that Connie may have published the story to help Sonny get revenge. A.J. buys it and makes a beeline for Connie. Kiki calls Michael to tell him that Morgan got her a ring and they said they love each other. Morgan overhears the news that the story about Kiki's paternity has broken and speeds back to the boathouse to tell her they need to get married today. Michael reads the story, figures out what it means for him and Kiki, and tries to call her back. Morgan intercepts the call, so Michael tries to play innocent, then decides to go over and see Kiki. She and Morgan have already gone to the courthouse. Connie tries to hide the story from Sonny, and then when he reads it, she tries to blame him for it. She lectures him about being a good parent and how the truth coming out is better for everyone and some other crap that he doesn't listen to because she's ridiculous. Ava rats out Silas to Monica, hoping she'll fire him for doing the paternity test without Kiki's permission. It doesn't quite work out, since Monica's not about to fire the doctor who's trying to save her grandson. Silas finds the whole thing amusing, since every time Ava tells him to stay away from Kiki, she makes herself look guiltier. Ava eventually snaps, threatening to kill Silas if he doesn't leave Kiki alone. Elizabeth defends A.J. to Tracy, apparently having forgotten that Tracy couldn't care less about him. Carly thinks Olivia is the Falconeri Sonny really wants to be with.

I can't believe I'm siding with Sonny, but come on, Connie. This is in no way his fault. His family is none of your business.

Congratulations, Morgan – you're officially a jerk.

It happened almost overnight, but Silas became really funny and enjoyable. I hope that keeps up.

No, Ava, the irony is that you're trying desperately to keep Silas from finding out Kiki's paternity when your brother has already published it.


August 8th, 2013

A.J. blames Connie for all his problems, getting so angry that he actually tries to strangle her. Meanwhile, Sonny tells Olivia what happened and laments choosing Connie over her. Olivia defends her cousin and convinces Sonny to try to make up with her. Sonny listens to a message Connie left him, hears A.J. in the background, and rushes home to save Connie from him. Morgan scrambles to keep Kiki in the dark about her paternity, managing to lie convincingly to Mac and Felicia to get them to keep quiet. Once they have their marriage license in hand, Morgan asks Kiki to get married ASAP. Silas finds Ava's threats laughable, even though she does seem pretty scary. Once she's neutralized him, Ava rushes to the boathouse to talk to Kiki but instead finds Michael and the newspaper article. Silas and Sam read the article as well, and Silas is floored to learn that his suspicions were actually correct. Elizabeth and Tracy continue to fight about A.J., as if they'll be able to change each other's mind.

Since when is A.J. physically violent? That seems out of character. Also, $5 says Sonny shoots Connie instead of A.J.

Speaking of Connie – okay, even A.J., the victim of paternity lies, thinks you were wrong. Stop trying to convince people you did the right thing.

Morgan should have taken Kiki to Vegas or Atlantic City. That way, even if Michael or someone else found out what they were doing, they'd at least have a head start. Plus, this show + wedding chapels = comedy.

Thank you, Tracy, for reminding Elizabeth (and all of us) that she and A.J. are both horrible people.


August 9th, 2013

Sonny manages to get A.J. to back off of Connie without having to shoot anyone. However, A.J. canít keep his mouth shut, and when he lays into Connie for judging his parenting after everything she did to Trey, Sonny hits him. Michael and Elizabeth arrive to rescue A.J., who admits that if Sonny hadn't arrived, he would have killed Connie. Somehow it's still all about Michael, though, and A.J. urges him to go find Kiki so they can be together. Fortunately, Mac is on hand to tell him that she and Morgan are at the courthouse. Morgan has talked Kiki into marrying him, since I guess she has nothing better to do, so for the second time in his life, Michael gets to burst into a wedding and call a halt to the proceedings. Connie complains that Sonny talked to Olivia, because I guess that's worse than her going back on a promise and ruining people's lives? Luke and Holly go to Ireland looking for Sean and meet his and Tiffany's daughter, Anna. She claims her parents aren't there, which isn't true (she just hates Luke). Sean confirms that he took Jerry's money, then reveals that he has Luke's cure. Ava yells at Julian for exposing her secrets, and he wonders why she kept them in the first place, considering her honesty would have brought about the same result in the voting. Either way, he stands by his decision. Ava threatens to withdraw her support from Tracy if Tracy doesn't give her a job, which will get her and Julian one step closer to taking over ELQ and using it as a front. Julian tries to make up with Sam for burying the story about Danny by getting tested. Silas goes to the Quartermaines' looking for Kiki but instead finds Ava. Elizabeth needs to just shut up and stay out of it already.

Kelly Sullivan leaving + everyone hating Connie + Connie being threatened = murder mystery? At this point I'm hoping for it because she's so annoying I want to see her get killed.

Morgan gets worse and worse with every episode. He's now straight up lying to Kiki's face ("he's your cousin!"). Try and dig your way out of this one, buddy.

If Sean has the cure, does that mean we don't get to see Jerry? Not cool!

You know it's a jam-packed episode when the kid with cancer barely registers.

Scorecard:
Back in a town that's not Port Charles: Sean Donely

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Carly, re: Connie: "No matter how many times the animal prints change..."; Tracy to A.J.: "I will have your stress balls and crayons boxed up"; Ava: "Screw you." Silas: "Maybe later"; Silas: "I think Kiki – and may I just say, I wish I'd been in on that naming process..."
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ava calling Julian on his definitely-just-for-the-audience's-benefit exposition
Saddest moment: Can't think of anything
Sweetest/cutest moment: Still no cuteness on this show
Least believable moment: Connie cared more about her employees and her job than about Sonny and his family
Best instance of continuity: Before Crimson, there was Couture
Worst instance of continuity: Can't think of anything
Hero of the week: Mac
Most annoying characters: It's a toss-up between Connie and Elizabeth
Smartest character: Ava, somehow
Dumbest characters: Connie, for thinking she could apologize her way out of what Sonny would clearly see as betrayal; Morgan, for thinking he could keep Kiki in the dark, and for thinking she wouldn't just divorce him when she found out the truth
Things we learned this week: 1. Sean and Tiffany named their daughter after Anna.
2. A lot of people in Port Charles want to get married right now.
3. Ava and Julian want to use ELQ as a front.


August 10th, 2013

Next week: Luke finds Jerry's hideout. THERE BETTER BE SOMEONE THERE. Also, karaoke! (Not the same storyline. Unfortunately.)


August 12th, 2013

Sean and Other Anna tell Luke and Holly that the cure they have isn't really a cure, but more of a treatment. When Sean was supposed to get the cure from Jerry, there was some sort of problem with his contact and the money. Oh, and Sean and Other Anna knew Jerry was going to do something dastardly to everyone in Port Charles in order to get the money. Anyway, this means Luke still has to find Jerry, so yay! Michael tells Kiki all about her paternity, adding that now they can be together. It's too late, though, since she and Morgan are already married. Michael figures out that Morgan knew about Kiki's paternity and rushed her to get married before she found out, but Morgan won't admit it. Ava, on the other hand, confirms for Silas that he's Kiki's father, claiming that she kept the truth from him because she loved him so much. Go figure. Obrecht tells Britt she wants to kill Sabrina so Britt won't have competition for Patrick anymore. Even Britt thinks that's over the line. Obrecht also plans to kill her own competition, because Faison is still in love with Anna, which is DUMB because he's in PRISON, and your blond WIG looks WEIRD, Dr. Evil. As Anna and Duke discuss Obrecht, Spinelli tells Felix and Sabrina what he's uncovered about Britt's mother, which isn't a whole lot. Sabrina, however, recognizes a picture of her and figures out that she's Obrecht. Patrick goes to Lamaze class with Britt, and it's boring. But not as boring as Maxie, Lulu, and Dante in Lamaze class.

Woo-hoo, the possibility of Jerry making an appearance is back on the table!

Kiki, I just...I can't. I can't with this girl.

I was wondering how Obrecht wound up with the name Lisa, but changing it from Liesl makes sense.

It's bad that I want to throw something at the TV every time Lulu's on, isn't it?


August 13th, 2013

Obrecht hangs out at Mac and Felicia's non-bachelor party, barely managing to fly under the radar while she plots to drug Anna with Propofol. She gets Duke instead, and though he eventually recognizes her, he's too sick to do anything about it. Lucy also recognizes her and remembers her being creepy. Sabrina slips into obsessive girlfriend mode when Patrick and Britt don't make it to the party. Britt starts to tell Patrick about the baby, but she's interrupted by that old soap standby: baby-related pain. She's fine, and she's having a boy, but she still has to come clean about something, so she tells him she never planned to have an abortion, and that she was never sick. Lucy and Kevin fight a bunch, but somehow make up when he and Mac resurrect their old drag personae, Norma and Eve. Everyone else sings karaoke and/or is boring.

Wasn't someone else drugged with Propofol? I can't remember who it was.

Which cartoon character is Obrecht's behavior based on? Seriously, it's so over the top, it's more laughable than intimidating.

Mac and Felicia need more friends, because most of the people at that party didn't have any reason to be there, Felix and Sabrina.

Holy cow, I'd completely forgotten about Norma and Eve until this episode. (John J. York and Jon Lindstrom probably hoped no one had ever remembered them.)


August 14th, 2013

Duke is in bad condition but soon improves and is able to tell Anna that Obrecht drugged him. Meanwhile, Obrecht plays innocent with Britt, who finds her blond wig and the Propofol. Ava and Julian each think the other drugged Duke, because they can't wrap their minds around the idea that someone else might want him dead. Anna also suspects Ava, since she recently fought with Duke, so Dante questions her. Ava thinks Dante might be a problem when she and Julian attempt to take Sonny out. Maxie is desperate for Mac and Felicia to get married, even though they're worried about Duke, and even though there's no reason for them to rush things. Patrick tells Emma that she's going to have a little brother. Emma ain't got time for that. Spinelli and Felix get closer to finding out that Britt's mother is Obrecht. Lulu thinks Maxie's starting to think of the baby as her own.

Ava, your innocent face and your guilty face look very similar. Work on that.

I...kind of like Julian. Okay, I'll show myself out.

Maxie, you're going to be a mother soon, so it's time for you to learn what should be a priority and what shouldn't. Quickly, please.

Is Patrick going to tell Sabrina that Britt was never sick? Because I'm thinking Sabrina would like to get her out of the apartment. Although she seems to be living at the Drakes', so maybe not.


August 15th, 2013

Maxie convinces Mac and Felicia to get married without Duke (who doesn't want to hold things up) or Anna (who's off looking for Obrecht and has no idea she's been replaced). She enlists Spinelli to fill in for Duke, then fills in for Anna herself. After Felicia and Maxie share a nice mother/daughter moment, and Mac and Patrick have a nice not-father/not-son moment (I guess getting Patrick prepared for his own not-son?), Lucy begins the ceremony at the Floating Rib...but someone's lurking. Spinelli tells Anna what he's uncovered about Obrecht being Britt's mother, so she and Dante head over to the apartment to arrest her. Meanwhile, Britt puts it together that Obrecht drugged Duke and asks what else her mother has been up to. Obrecht doesn't get a chance to tell her, but the audience learns that she delivered Robin to Jerry in Corinth, Pennsylvania. Luke and Holly are now in Corinth, where they find Jerry's hideout mostly abandoned except for a wheelchair (Robin's transportation, though they think Jerry was using it because of his illness) and a recently moved bookcase (hiding a door). Lulu shares her concerns about Maxie with Felicia, who asks Maxie if she's not getting too attached to the baby.

I know who the wedding crasher is, and trust me, it's no one to worry about.

Lucy's hair is really cute. And I love Felicia's dress.

Hey, someone finally mentioned Robin!

Corinth was the location of the soap Loving, which featured Laura Wright, Lisa Lo Cicero, Roger Howarth, Ted King, Rena Sofer...and Anders Hove, playing Faison. (Also Bryan Cranston – yes, really – Rebecca Gayheart, Luke Perry, Elizabeth Mitchell, and Debbi Morgan.) The comment about everyone packing up and moving to the city was a reference to the fact that the show changed its name to The City and its setting to New York. After that, Jane Elliot went over and played Tracy. And I've officially spent more time researching and typing this than is worth the small mention.

I'm sure it's too much to hope that Robin's in the secret room. How about Georgie? Can we get Georgie?


August 16th, 2013

The wedding crasher is Richard Simmons, and I refuse to discuss this any further, since it's stupid. Mac and Felicia get remarried, everyone's happy, and then Maxie's water breaks. Britt tells Anna and Dante that Obrecht left the day before, but they were both dumb enough to leave the Propofol bottle lying around, and Dante and Anna do still have some detective skills, so her story falls apart and Anna arrests her. Obrecht is actually in Corinth, where she tells Luke and Holly that Jerry died before she could get him the cure. They don't believe her, and Luke goes to investigate the secret room, which is really a secret basement, and which has a secret person in it. Connie has a session with Kevin, who really deserves a better plot. Now that Sonny and Connie are fighting and possibly over, Olivia regrets not fighting for Sonny. She tells him this twice, and the second time, Connie overhears.

So much for Maxie having to explain a later due date to everyone. But how in the world is she going into labor before Britt?

If you ask me, the only enjoyable part of all the wedding ridiculousness was Emma's glee over the confetti. Why couldn't the poor kid have cake?

That session with Connie couldn't have waited until after the wedding?? SO DUMB. This episode was just full of dumb.

Olivia, are you still defending Connie publishing the story? I can't get behind that.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Britt Westbourne
Hospitalized: Duke Lavery
Married: Morgan Corinthos and Kiki Jerome, Felicia Jones and Mac Scorpio

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Dante's karaoke gestures; Maxie: "Who says 'word on the street'?" Felicia: "Mac does." Maxie: "He should stop"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Obrecht's overacting
Saddest moment: Anna crying at Duke's bedside
Sweetest/cutest moment: Emma being all, "I don't want a boy, but I'll give him toys anyway"
Least believable moments: Why didn't Maxie enlist Patrick as Mac's best man?; Corinth is apparently three miles from Port Charles
Best instance of continuity: Norma and Eve
Worst instance of continuity: Spinelli telling Felicia about Aztec wedding practices, and no one remarking that she would already know them, because she's Aztec
Hero of the week: Depending on who's in that basement, possibly Luke
Most annoying characters: Richard Simmons, Holly
Smartest character: No one. Listen, people, get it together
Dumbest character: Obrecht
Things we learned this week: 1. Dr. Obrecht's real name is Liesl Westbourne.
2. Britt's having a boy.


August 17th, 2013

Next week: Connie, you in danger, girl.


August 19th, 2013

Maxie in labor is exactly how you would expect Maxie in labor to be. Obrechtís special guest in the basement is Laura, who tracked down Jerry by going to Australia and guilting Jane into telling her where he was. Jerry caught her in the house and knocked her out; Laura thinks it was because he didnít want to see someone else being held there. Obrecht tells Holly that she can wake Robert up, but only if Holly agrees to let her go. It turns out to be a ruse so Obrecht can catch her off-guard and knock her out. Before Luke, Laura, and Holly can go after her, Laura learns that Maxieís in labor. Holly agrees to continue the search for Jerry while Luke and Laura go back to Port Charles for the birth. Britt plays innocent with Anna, whoís perfectly fine putting her in a cell in an attempt to lure Obrecht back (and partly as revenge for the way Britt treated Emma). Britt uses her one phone call to contact Nikolas, which makes sense, since everyone else hates her. Ellie keeps Spinelli from going to the hospital with Maxie, then admits that she feels like she needs to give him children so she can stop feeling guilty. She ultimately encourages him to go check on Maxie anyway. Tracy gleefully ousts A.J. from his office, then admits to herself that it's lonely at the top. Elizabeth admits to Nikolas that A.J. got violent with Connie and talked about wanting to kill her. Nikolas thinks she should stay away since A.J.'s unstable, but Elizabeth makes multiple excuses for him. A.J. sees them hugging, can't take any more bad things happening, and heads to the Floating Rib for a drink. Connie confronts Sonny and Olivia over the conversation she eavesdropped on, but it doesn't really go anywhere, since the grandparents-to-be (or so they think) have to get to the hospital.

I love that Mac and Felicia have no idea that they're getting a granddaughter as a wedding present.

I wish I'd written on Friday that I thought the person in the basement was Laura, because now no one will believe that I predicted it. Also, Laura is awesome for getting their first, and she should be allowed to brag all she wants. Especially since she's not actually getting a new grandchild.

Elizabeth, your defense of A.J. makes you sound like an abused girlfriend.

The difference between me and A.J. is that when he went to the Floating Rib, he was looking for booze, but if I'd been there, I'd be looking for leftover wedding cake.


August 20th, 2013

A.J. falls off the wagon, adopts Ava as a drinking buddy, and casually considers murdering Connie some more. Then Elizabeth finds him, so he's going to get yelled at. Carly and Sonny learn from Michael (she) and Mac and Felicia (he) that Morgan and Kiki got married. Sonny can't really do anything, since he wants to be at the hospital for the birth of his non-grandchild, but Carly goes to confront Morgan, begging him to tell her his motives so she can help clean up his mess. There's a problem with Maxie's baby, because this wouldn't be General Hospital if there weren't childbirth drama. Franco's disappointed that he can't be a donor for Danny, then disappointed some more when Kiki tells him he's not her father, beating Silas to the punch. Connie takes her Sonny problems to Tracy because she has no friends.

I have to be honest – I was pretty bored last week, so I'm happy to see the more interesting plots back.

"Don't you think you're being a little overdramatic?" says the man who tried to strangle someone because he lost his job. By the way, A.J., it's about to get really judgmental up in here, so pace yourself.

Why are Morgan and Kiki still living at the Quartermaines'? Neither of them is a Quartermaine. It's okay to kick them out, Monica.

Please tell me they're not going to drag this birth out all week. HAVE THE DANG BABY ALREADY.


August 21st, 2013

Maxie has to have an emergency C-section, because of course. The baby's fine, and the non-parents and non-grandparents are all thrilled, and fortunately, Spinelli gets to witness it, too. Then Maxie's health declines, because of course. In case we'd forgotten how mean A.J. gets when he drinks, he tells Elizabeth she's responsible for Jake's death. She slaps him and tells him he needs to take responsibility for his actions since he can't blame Connie or Sonny or anyone else for his fall off the wagon. He also needs to think hard about what he's going to do next. A.J. decides that what he's going to do next will involve a gun. Kiki cuts ties with Ava and finds herself grateful to have Morgan. She feels horrible for Franco now that he knows she's not his, but when she goes back to talk to him again, he's gone. Morgan continues to pretend he didn't know about Kiki's paternity before the wedding, but Carly's on to him. Tracy encourages Connie to get Sonny back, and seriously, Tracy, get some new friends. You're not going to have any by next week. Luke asks Sonny to look after his family once he's gone.

If, like me, you have multiple happy dances for multiple occasions, it's time to pull out your Robin's Coming Back, Y'All Happy Dance. If you don't have a Robin's Coming Back, Y'All Happy Dance, you'd better get one, because ROBIN'S COMING BACK, Y'ALL.

I bet the delivery scenes were weird for Kirsten Storms, now that we know she's pregnant. (Also, can you imagine how adorable a Kirsten Storms/Brandon Barash baby will be?)

Congratulations, A.J., you made me feel sorry for Elizabeth. Please don't do it again.

Connie, you have two days to fix things with Sonny. Literally, two days. Chop chop.


August 22nd, 2013

Spinelli tells Ellie that Maxie tried to tell him something important before she was taken to surgery. Ellie realizes that Maxie wanted him to know the truth about the baby, so she fills him in. Maxie hemorrhages and has an out-of-body experience as the doctors try to save her (and fail to give anyone an update on her condition). Georgie resurfaces to take her on a Ghost of Christmas Past-like journey and show her how many people would miss her if she died. All the non-grandparents meet their non-grandchild and are so happy that I dread them having to find out the truth. Even tells Olivia to stop worrying that something's wrong, but she has a vision of the dog again, this time on a poster saying, "I want my mommy!" A.J. hallucinates Michael, Sonny, and Connie taunting him for being a failure. Connie asks Julian to tell Sonny that she tried to get the story pulled, and for some reason, he does so. Thanks to an overheard phone messages, in which Julian called himself by that name, and info about Sonny's business on Julian's computer, Connie becomes the first person to put together who "Derek" really is. She starts to call Sonny to let him know, but she's stopped by the arrival of A.J. and his gun. Sam and Alexis are thrilled to learn that Julian is a match for Danny. Elizabeth tells Michael about her fight with A.J. but regrets not sticking around to help him. Michael thinks she was justified in leaving.

I was wondering how they were going to have Spinelli find out about the baby. To be honest, this was a little anticlimactic. But whatever – yay, the truth is out!

Hey, it's Georgie again! Hi, Georgie!

Do you think that dog has its SAG card yet? It's had more screentime in the past nine months than some of the humans on this show have.

Julian, for someone undercover, you sure are bad at...well, covering things.


August 23rd, 2013

Connie sneaks a call to Sonny to let him know that A.J.'s in her office with a gun, but he and Olivia are stuck in an elevator, and some sort of cellular voodoo allows Connie to hear Sonny but not vice versa. Connie spends the hour trying to talk A.J. down while Olivia talks Sonny through his claustrophobic panic in the elevator. As A.J. stumbles back to the Quartermaines' and Olivia envisions blood seeping into the elevator, Sonny finally makes it to Connie, who's been shot. Spinelli's thrilled to have a daughter, but that soon turns to anger over the fact that Ellie lied to him. Their fighting disturbs Dante and Lulu's bonding with their non-baby, but that was going to have to end sometime. Maxie makes it through surgery, and when she regains consciousness, she tells Mac and Felicia that she wants her baby. Sam and Alexis are worried that Julian won't go through with the bone-marrow donation, but he assures them that he wouldn't have gotten tested if he didn't want to donate. Alexis tells him that all family members were tested except Sam's father, and as she tells him the few details she remembers of their one encounter, Julian starts to put together that she's talking about him. Kiki insists to Michael that Morgan is a good guy, so she believes him when he says he didn't know her real paternity.

If A.J. didn't shoot Connie (which is likely, since it's too easy), I'd love to know the logistics of what really happened. By the way, has anyone seen Ava?

Connie said "Metro Court terrace"; I heard "terrorist" and thought, "Yay, Jerry's back!"

Between the stopping and the blood, I may never get in an elevator again.

Bradford Anderson, please flag this episode for next year's Emmy submissions.

Did anyone else see Alexis' face when Julian mentioned that he likes bourbon? I wonder if that's what he was drinking the night of Sam's conception.

Scorecard:
Born: Baby most likely to be named Georgie
Hospitalized: Maxie Jones
Injured: Connie Falconeri

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Maxie calling ice chips "a snow cone with no purpose"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Lulu to Laura: "I hope you're sitting down" – and Laura had spent the last few hours tied to a chair
Saddest moment: Spinelli realizing his girlfriend spent months lying to him
Sweetest/cutest moments: Spinelli assuring Dante that he'll be a good father; Luke and Sonny bonding over being (non-)co-grandparents; Georgie kissing Mac and Felicia
Least believable moment: Maxie hemorrhaged for an hour and no one told her family
Best instance of continuity: Felicia sympathizing with Sam over having a child who needs a transplant
Worst instance of continuity: Dante had no reaction when Ava mentioned last week that Morgan and Kiki were married, but this week, no one in the family knew about the marriage
Hero of the week: Georgie
Most annoying character: I can't really think of anyone, so I'll just say Obrecht
Smartest character: Laura
Dumbest character: Olivia (sorry, Liv – I love you, but how do you not know how elevators work?)
Unanswered question of the week: Who shot Connie?
Things we learned this week: 1. Holly speaks German.
2. The odds of a non-family member being a match for Danny were 1 in 50,000.


August 24th, 2013

Next week: Let's just say that Diane's services are going to be needed.


August 26th, 2013

Connie uses her last few minutes to tell Sonny she's sorry for betraying him and wants to work things out. He promises that they'll get back together and spend the rest of their lives together. When he steps aside to call an ambulance, she uses her own blood to write "AJ" on a pad of paper, then dies. Michael tends to A.J. at the mansion, but he's out of the room when the inevitable happens and Sonny arrives to kill A.J. Olivia has a vision of Connie bleeding and panics over the thought of her being hurt. Alexis can't calm her down, so she takes her to Connie's office, where they come across the crime scene. There's no such thing as paternity leave in Dante's world, so he's there, too. Spinelli can't bring himself to tell Dante and Lulu that the baby's his, but Mac lets them know that Maxie said the baby was hers. Ellie urges Spinelli to tell Dante and Lulu the truth about the baby since the lying has gone on long enough. She begs him to forgive her, but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen any time soon. Julian tells Ava that he's figured out that Sam is his daughter. She reminds him that he has to keep his mouth shut so no one finds out who he really is and that he's not dead. Silas is somehow the last person to find out that Danny has a match.

They could not have planned it more perfectly that A.J. and Ava Jerome have the same initials. I'M JUST SAYING.

Michael, get your butt back in the living room already.

Whatever, Ellie. Maxie should have to be the one to tell Lulu and Dante the truth. Don't make Spinelli go through that.

I guess Silas never found out Julian was a match for Danny because Ellie's currently sucking at her job?


August 27th, 2013

While Sonny spends half an hour threatening A.J., Dante fills Michael in on A.J.'s possible activities and Sonny's knowledge of the same. Michael finally figures out that Sonny will probably go after A.J. – no kidding! – and rushes in to stop one of his fathers from killing the other. It takes some effort, but he finally finds Sonny's weak spot by threatening to turn his back if Sonny commits murder. Olivia has a major case of the sads, and even hopes Dante's too late to stop Sonny. Ellie finds Franco on the roof and thinks their current situations are similar, even though if she were in his, she'd be Ava. He taunts that if things are that dire, she might as well jump off the roof. Later, Carly joins Franco and tells him that if he really wants to prove that he's changed, he needs to do the work. Ellie's determined to make up with Spinelli, not realizing that he's already told Lulu they're done. Lulu tells Spinelli what Mac said about Maxie's ramblings.

Nice job, Michael. When in doubt, pull out the "I will hurt you personally" card.

Whose idea was it to have a Franco/Ellie scene? That was so random.

Seriously, how long before Carly becomes the new president of the Slept With Siblings Club for nailing all three Quartermaine men?

Do you realize it's been the same day since August 14th – almost two weeks ago? To put things in perspective, Duke's only been hospitalized for 24 hours.


August 28th, 2013

Lulu overhears Luke and Laura talking about his illness, and though she doesn't say anything to Laura (who needs to go back to France for a checkup), she confronts her father for keeping it quiet. A.J. has no memory of the previous night, so he's pretty confused when Anna and Dante tell him they think he killed Connie. He tells them that the only person at the mansion who has a gun is Tracy, but when Dante goes to look for it, it's gone. A.J. starts to get his memory back, starting with the moment he got the gun out of the safe. He decides it's probably a good idea to keep his mouth shut until Diane can get there. When Michael arrives for a visit, A.J. confides that he thinks he did kill Connie. Elizabeth remembers A.J. talking about killing Connie and tries to convince Nikolas (and herself) that he's innocent. While Felix tells Patrick and Sabrina about Britt's legal troubles, Britt wakes up at Nikolas'. She admits that she wasn't completely honest with the police about her mother's time in town, and even comes close to telling him that Patrick isn't the baby's father. Luke drops in to see Tracy before he goes back out on Jerry's trail. Scott finally does something to make me like him: He asks Laura for a divorce.

I'm imagining Luke going to look for his cure and finding Robin instead. How awesome would that be? "Hey, Anna, I think you misplaced this...."

Dante being involved in the investigation of his own cousin's murder is exactly why they need more cops on this show. Can't we have Padilla back?

If there's anywhere a nine-months-pregnant woman should be, it's an island that can only be reached by a launch.

Still holding out hope that Lesley lied and Laura and Scott aren't legally married.


August 29th, 2013

Patrick tears into Britt for hiding all of her mother's doings, then vows to get full custody of the baby so Britt can't let him be around his grandmother. Britt finally finds the perfect time to tell him that the baby isn't his. Maxie doesn't remember what she said after the baby was born, so she goes back to keeping her mouth shut about the baby's real parents (which makes Spinelli mad). As soon as she gets the chance, she sneaks in to see her daughter. Lulu's suspicious of Spinelli for hanging around the baby, but then she gets distracted by Nikolas' friendship with Britt and Luke's illness. Julian goes back and forth on whether to tell Sam he's her father, ultimately keeping quiet at Ava's request. Alexis has looked into his background but doesn't learn anything. Ellie confesses all her sins to Sabrina, who thinks Spinelli will be able to forgive her.

Britt did exactly what I thought she should do. At this point, she's never going to get Patrick back. Since the baby's not his, why go through a custody battle? She finally made a good decision.

If they're going to mention Robin this many times now, imagine how many times they'll mention her in the next few weeks, when Kimberly McCullough's return draws closer. I don't advise starting a drinking game.

The fact that the baby doesn't have a name is turning into a really annoying running joke.

Officially backing an Alexis/Julian reunion.

Sabrina deserves some sort of prize for not asking what Ellie lied to Spinelli about. I might not have been so...what's the opposite of nosy?


August 30th, 2013

Diane talks A.J. out of confessing to Connie's murder since he doesn't remember pulling the trigger. The murder weapon remains MIA until Morgan finds it outside the boathouse. Spinelli stops Maxie from nursing the baby, then confronts her over her lies. Patrick has a hard time believing that Britt's telling the truth now, since she's told so many lies before. He tries to call her bluff by asking the million-dollar question: Who's the father? Ava threatens to derail Morgan and Kiki's marriage because somehow that might get Kiki to like her again. She decides against telling Kiki what Morgan knew, but she tells Morgan he owes her one, and the way she says it is...really gross. Kiki tells Morgan she's going to visit Franco, then goes to see Michael instead.

I love you, Diane. Please come around more often.

Notice that the gun turned up after Ava visited the boathouse. Come on, how can you not be on Team Ava? Um, I mean Team Ava Did It, not Team Ava is Awesome.

Speaking of teams, it looks like we might find out if Team Britt's Carrying Lulu and Dante's Baby is right. (That's a weird team, huh?) I'm still Team Brad Must Be the Father Because Who Else Would It Be?

Ava, no! AVA, STAHP!

Scorecard:
Arrested: A.J. Quartermaine
Dead: Connie Falconeri

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Britt: "Are you Batman?" Nikolas: "I do have a butler named Alfred"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Nikolas: "I'm thankful that most of my family is dead"
Saddest moment: Lulu worrying about Luke
Sweetest/cutest moment: Spinelli being so excited to be a father
Least believable moment: The sign on Danny's room says "sterile room," but people were taking more precautions with Maxie and Spinelli's baby
Best instance of continuity: Can't think of anything
Worst instance of continuity: Lulu used to complain that Luke was never around; now she says he's always been there when she needed him
Hero of the week: Michael
Most annoying character: Actually, no one annoyed me that much this week
Smartest character: Alexis, for doing a background check on Julian (even if it didn't uncover anything)
Dumbest character: A.J., for not taking advantage of his right to remain silent
Things we learned this week: 1. You can yell at someone in the Quartermaines' den – with the door open – for half an hour and no one will hear you.
2. Josslyn still exists.
3. Alfred also still exists.

The week in a nutshell:


August 31st, 2013

Next week: Brad's on. Just throwing that out there.


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