General Hospital blog - August, 2017

August 1st, 2017

Sonny's ready to die, especially if it means he'll get to see Morgan again. A Stone hallucination (a halluStoneation, if you will) reminds him of everyone he'd be leaving behind, changing his mind. The halluStoneation helps Sonny remember that his claustrophobia is only in his mind, then tells him he can save himself by climbing out of the pit. Carly tries to get information out of Garvey, but Dante kicks her out and takes over the interrogation. Garvey passes out from internal bleeding and has to go back to surgery, so no one's going to be getting any answers for a while. Carly finds it hard to believe that Jordan has the police out looking for Sonny, but Jordan wants to find him partly because it's her job and partly because of the kindness he's shown T.J. Jared fills in some blanks in his and Hayden's history: She got drunk, made a scene at his country club, and hit and injured a girl with her car. Jared took the blame because he expected a payoff when he got out of prison, and now he wants to collect. Hayden's haunted by her past mistakes and almost tells Finn, but she loses her nerve. Finn runs into Curtis and tells him about his engagement. Curtis thinks he should propose to Hayden since it's traditional, as if anything about this couple has been traditional. He also warns Finn not to let his happiness distract him from his sobriety. Finn repays him by telling him it's very unlikely that Stella's stroke was because of stress over Jordan. Also, he thinks Stella might be (either consciously or unconsciously) using her illness to get what she wants. Finn takes Curtis' advice and proposes to Hayden with an onion ring, but Curtis can't bring himself to talk to Jordan about their relationship. Michael tells Josslyn about Sonny's disappearance, making Josslyn feel really bad about the way she's been treating him. Ava tells Julian that she saw Sam earlier and there was definitely something wrong with her.

My guess is that they wanted to have Sonny hallucinate Morgan but they couldn't get Bryan Craig to come back, so they wrote in Stone instead. It's just...kind of random otherwise.

Also, I'm done hearing about Morgan. I need a Morgan vacation.

Jared agreed to do prison time for money? Wow. Idiot.

Thanks for showing up and serving no purpose, as usual, Nelle.

Nathan and Maxie will appreciate Finn's nod to The Simpsons by giving Hayden an onion ring instead of an engagement ring.

They must have run short today, because those Julian/Ava scenes were definitely filler.

August 2nd, 2017

Sam wakes up in much better shape, but she doesn't remember anything that happened after she left the penthouse when Sonny showed up. She and Garvey see each other in the hallway; he definitely recognizes her, and she seems to find him familiar. Jared: "Hi, I'm blackmailing you now." Hayden: "Can I interest you in a job at ELQ instead?" Jared: "No, but I would accept funds embezzled from GH. See you in a week!" Josslyn confides in Oscar that, despite her anger toward Sonny, she doesn't want anything bad to happen to him. Oscar commends her for recognizing that people aren't all good or all bad. He gives her a necklace he made out of the bullet casing, though Michael and Nelle have to tell her what it is. With Tracy's help, Finn picks out a real ring for Hayden. Later, he tells Reiko he's getting married and having a baby, then burns her letters, for some reason. Michael's worried about Sonny but is sure taking his time to go out and search for him.

Memo to comas: You're wasted on Sam Morgan. Just stay away from her.

Whatever, Finn would forgive Hayden even if she hurt someone on purpose.

Who says "redress"? Go away, Jared.

Does a mobster's stepdaughter not knowing what a bullet casing looks like qualify as irony?

Josslyn was pretty calm considering her crush saw her in her pajamas.

But did Finn tell Roxie about his engagement?

August 3rd, 2017

Josslyn tells Michael and Nelle that Oscar found the bullet casing at the distillery. When Carly reports that they've narrowed down Sonny's location to somewhere near there, Michael realizes that he may be at the distillery. Sonny managed to pull himself out of the pit, but then he lost consciousness again, and he's unable to get himself out before the place is demolished. Carly gets there just seconds before the demolition begins. Jason takes his turn interrogating Garvey, but he kind of speaks in riddles. He says Sonny's dead, and that Garvey shot him but didn't kill him. When Jason asks who did, Garvey says to "ask her," then flatlines. Sam starts recovering pieces of her memories from the past 24 hours, including her confrontation with Sonny. She mentions it to Julian, who tells her she must have dreamed it. When Alexis asks why he visited Sam, he says he's trying to protect her. Julian thinks Ava should stop moping around their apartment and do stuff again. She gets a visit from Valentin, who can empathize with her because he knows what it's like to be deformed and want to hide from everyone. Ava asks if he's going to kill her so she can't testify against him in Spencer's civil suit; as she did with Sonny, she welcomes him finishing her off. Instead, Valentin says he has an attractive offer for her. Spencer lets himself into Wyndemere and starts talking about O.J. and primary residences and...honestly, I tuned out. Sorry. Anyway, Valentin calls Laura and Kevin to come get him, and they realize they need to do something big to make sure Spencer stops hounding Valentin (I'm guessing this means he's going back to Switzerland). Let's just stash it away for later that Nelle knows some stuff about bullets.

Jason, now would be a good time to leave the room before you get accused of something you didn't do.

Did Julian figure things out? Is that why he's trying to convince Sam that she was just dreaming?

If Valentin's constant mentions of Nikolas being alive are foreshadowing, they'll officially have to recast, because Tyler Christopher is going over to Days of Our Lives.

Ava, I know you're struggling right now, but there's no excuse for that outfit.

Laura. SERIOUSLY. Fire Chandler and hire someone who will keep Spencer from doing stupid things.

August 4th, 2017

Sonny and Carly are unharmed in the first round of the demolition, and Dante halts the second round before it can begin. Sonny's treated at the hospital, and Dante tries to question him about what happened at the distillery, but Sonny's too hazy to think straight. Sam recalls a few of her halluSonations, as well as the confrontation at the distillery, but she can't figure out if she was remembering real things or just dreaming. She asks Jason if Sonny's okay, clear-headed enough now to know he never would have posed a threat to her family. As she has a dream about the full confrontation, including the shooting, Sonny starts to tell Carly, Dante, and Jason that Garvey wasn't the one who shot him. Laura's decided to send Spencer back to boarding school, standing her ground even when he says he'll feel alone there. Eventually he agrees, so that's probably it for Spencer for a while. Valentin will connect Ava with the plastic surgeons who fixed him if she agrees not to testify against him. Ava refuses, still wanting justice for Nikolas, but I have a feeling her vanity will win out in the end. Garvey dies, which means...nothing, actually. It means nothing.

Why all the drama about Sam remembering she shot Sonny? Unless she ends up in prison, which I highly doubt, this should really be an anticlimax.

I could buy a younger kid thinking Laura doesn't love him because he's being sent away, but not a 12-year-old, and definitely not Spencer.

Kevin, stop inviting yourself on trips to Europe. The last time you did that, you were shot.

Okay, Valentin, tell us how you've been a "saint." I'm listening.

Engaged: Hayden Barnes and Hamilton Finn

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Julian to Ava: "You're kind of leaning into this Howard Hughes thing a little much"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Jared doesn't think ELQ would hire a guy with a DUI on his record. Hon, it used to be RUN by one
Saddest moment: Spencer admitting he's afraid of being alone
Sweetest/cutest moment: I thought Carly and Sonny's little reunion was cute
Least believable moment: No one was sent to check out the distillery and make sure no one was inside
Best instance of continuity: Carly went to nursing school for a while
Worst instance of continuity: Sonny and Michael were supposed to meet to discuss the demolition of the distillery, but the next day, it was underway
Hero of the week: I'm calling this one for Michael, for thinking of the distillery as Sonny and Garvey's possible meeting place
Most annoying character: N/A
Smartest character: Ava, for turning down Valentin (for now – I doubt that'll last)
Dumbest character: N/A

The week in a nutshell:

August 7th, 2017

Sonny pretends he doesn't remember everything about what happened at the distillery. He tries to talk to Jason privately but doesn't get the chance. Sam worries about relapse, then ignores Finn's instructions to take it easy. She learns from Kristina that Sonny was shot, and from Felix that he's at the hospital. Sam spots Ava and talks about her behavior at the Jeromes', getting defensive when Ava says that she must subconsciously hate Sonny. Finally, she goes to see the man himself. Hayden visits Raymond Berlin in prison and lets him in on her blackmail dilemma. He doesn't talk her out of embezzling, and he doesn't make telling Finn the truth seem enticing, so the visit doesn't really accomplish much, but at least they're on good terms again. Back at the hospital, Hayden looks to be about to start with the law-breaking when Finn interrupts. She tells him she's booked them tickets for a trip, presumably somewhere that doesn't extradite. Kiki tries to get Ava to go to a group-therapy session, but Ava refuses. Kiki calls in Griffin, who somehow talks her into it. Jason has questions for Griffin about whether Sam might repeat any of her behaviors during her illness even after she's recovered, so...maybe he's figured out what happened?

I assume a forensics person will figure out that the bullet in Sonny's leg doesn't match the one from the vest, yes?

If Hayden doesn't think that Finn would forgive her for the accident, she doesn't know him well enough to marry him.

The fact that Raymond's first reaction to Hayden saying she needs to embezzle was "you know how to do that" and not "you shouldn't do that" explains why he's in prison.

Kiki, next time call Andre and don't encourage this weird, blossoming Ava/Griffin friendship.

August 8th, 2017

Sonny confirms that Sam shot him but assures her that he doesn't hold anything against her, since she wasn't herself. Sam grows increasingly upset as she realizes her pieces of memory are real. He reminds her that, unlike him, she has an illness that will get better, but she worries that it won't. Sam's so ashamed of her actions that she thinks she should tell the police what she did. Jason has, indeed, figured things out, and he and Sonny agree not to tell Carly, which I'm sure won't ever come back to bite them. Finn agrees to jet off to Zanzibar with Hayden, but first he wants to get married so the trip will be their honeymoon. Jared interrupts as they're making plans, telling Finn that he's Adam Green, Hayden's former co-worker. When he learns that they're fleeing the country, Jared tells Hayden to just embezzle already so she doesn't have to run away. Hayden says she may just take the chance and tell Finn the truth, but Jared notes that that could lead him to relapse. Backed into a corner, Hayden returns to her life of crime. Carly asks Nelle and Michael about the bullet, and Nelle says a friend of hers found it and made it into the necklace. Carly knows she's lying, but Michael won't tell her the truth. Josslyn tries to return the necklace to Oscar, telling him what he made it from. He encourages her to keep it, even if she doesn't want to wear it in front of Carly. He asks her on a date, but Nelle interrupts before she can answer. Josslyn confides in Nelle that she's not sure she's ready to date yet. Olivia ticks off Cook 2 by making cannoli in the Quartermaines' kitchen. She tells Monica that she's afraid she'll never feel comfortable at the mansion or with the family. Monica can relate, and she encourages Olivia to fight like a Quartermaine. Olivia tries to make peace with Cook 2, and when that doesn't work, she fires her. Dillon thinks that Ned wants to take over ELQ from Michael, and if this leads to another big family fight over the company, I'll cry.

Even if Sam went to the police, they would never arrest her. And on the slight possibility they did, Sonny would never testify against her, so the case wouldn't go anywhere. Sam's going to get worked up over this and inevitably confess, and the police aren't going to do anything.

Also, Sonny and Jason's logic for not telling Carly...isn't actually logical. Why keep it from her? Do they think she'll rat out Sam? No way!


Michael, please don't start pulling overprotective crap on Josslyn. Don't be that guy.

I want Olivia's dress. Badly.

I didn't realize Cook 2 was as territorial as Cook 1. Maybe Olivia did the Qs a favor.

Avery. In. Braids. I may pass out from cuteness.

August 9th, 2017

Jared bugs Hayden about his money as she and Finn make plans for their wedding (Curtis and Elizabeth will be their best man and maid of honor). Hayden tells Jared that she set up a dummy corporation to make it look like she's ordering medical supplies, and he'll be able to get his money the next day. Curtis sees them talking and immediately senses that something's up. Hayden confides that she's trying to right a wrong from her past. Curtis guesses that she's being blackmailed and urges her to come clean with Finn and take away Jared's leverage. Stella catches Mac and Felicia having sex in the park and pushes Valerie to arrest them. Nathan gets called to the scene, and Maxie, who's back in town on another layover, accompanies him. They're horrified when they learn what happened, and Maxie scoffs when they pin the blame on Ask Man Landers. Nathan defends him, making Maxie think he's a reader. The whole situation gives her an idea for a story unmasking Ask Man Landers. David Bench commends Kiki for her work during a trauma and suggests that she go to med school. Kiki isn't sure she's cut out for it, but whatever she decides, she has Dillon's full support. Stella and Valerie hit it off, and Stella convinces Valerie to agree to a set-up date...with Curtis. David asks Jordan out, but she turns him down. Maxie thinks Nathan should move to Portland.

$5 says Hayden gets arrested for embezzlement before she can walk down the aisle.

Maxie: "I'm tired." Me: "It's a soap. You're probably pregnant."

Maybe Kiki can go to the same med school Emily attended – the one that made her a med student/intern in, like, a year.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but poor Valerie. Also, "'bye, Felicia" wasn't any funnier when Lomax said it two years ago, so let's not do that again.

If David's going to stick around, he should go out with Alexis.

August 10th, 2017

Hayden has a hard time concealing her fears that all her plans are going to fall apart and take her life down with them. Finn learns that she visited her father in prison and wonders why she didn't mention it to him. Later, he hears her on the phone and realizes that she set up the dummy medical-supplies company in her former name. Julian's trial begins after Scott convinces him not to plead guilty to spare Alexis from having to testify. Molly and Kristina lecture their mother about possibly trying to get Julian acquitted, annoyed when she only says she'll tell the truth. Her truth, however, is pretty damning, and things aren't looking good for the character whose portrayer isn't even on contract anymore. Kiki and Griffin convince Ava to go to Kelly's, where Charlotte accidentally humiliates her by pointing and staring. Valentin uses this as another reason Ava should agree to his deal and get connected with his plastic surgeon. Molly and Kristina are dismayed (as am I) to learn that Parker will be teaching at PCU in the coming semester. Jared, seriously, go away.

I see we're sticking with the caftans, eh, Ava?

Oh, NOW Charlotte's manners go out the window.

I still despise Valentin but he did some good parenting today.

Thanks a lot for bringing up Parker, Molly. You've summoned her from the deep.

August 11th, 2017

Hayden holds it together for about ten more minutes, then spills everything to Finn. As I expected, he's able to let her accident go, but he's upset that she didn't come to him when Jared turned up, and used his sobriety as an excuse. Hayden brings up Reiko and her sainthood, which really doesn't help anything, and it's not clear if the wedding is still on. Dante and Nathan learn that the bullet in Sonny's leg doesn't match the one from his vest, so they suspect there was a second shooter. They question Sonny, who sticks to his story that he doesn't remember anything after the first shooting. They don't believe him, but they think he's lying because he wants to retaliate against the shooter himself, which will lead to a mob war. Sam still wants to turn herself in, even if it means serving time. Jason tells her she probably wouldn't, then argues that confessing would affect more than just her, so they should keep the secret. She doesn't get the hint that Carlys being kept in the dark, and she comes close to telling her what happened. Scott paints Julian as a hero, since he helped Alexis escape Liv. Alexis reads Julian's letter for the judge, and Scott asks if she thinks she'll ever be able to forgive him. The judge stops her from answering, so Julian asks again when Alexis is off the stand. She tells him that with her one-day-at-a-time mentality, she's not looking that far into the future, so she doesn't know. Carly: "I'm so glad we have such an open, honest marriage with no secrets." Sonny: "...Yes. I am, too."

This week we learned that Hayden is no longer good at crime.

It's kind of funny that Dante and Nathan think Sonny's going to start a mob war when he's really just covering for a mentally unstable friend.

Dante, please stop treating Sonny like he's the criminal when you question him about a crime committed against him.

When Scott asked Alexis about forgiveness, I just pictured Griffin somewhere, suddenly sitting up, his Spidey sense tingling.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Nathan and Maxie cringing over Mac and Felicia's public sex
Funniest moment (unintentional): Elizabeth's "ha ha NOT" face after Jared made his "stat" joke
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: AVERY IN BRAIDS
Least believable moment: Sonny and Jason think they can get away with keeping something from Carly
Best instances of continuity: Epiphany was Sonny's physical therapist when he was paralyzed; Finn and cacti
Worst instance of continuity: There's no way no one has ever told Olivia the Quartermaines' kitchen rules
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Jared
Smartest character: Josslyn, for not jumping into a relationship with someone she barely knows
Dumbest characters: Sonny and Jason, for even thinking of keeping a secret from Carly; Hayden, for...just everything

The week in a nutshell:

August 14th, 2017

Obrecht and Jared preemptively celebrate their victory, not realizing that Hayden has returned all the money to GH. Obrecht calls Michael with an anonymous tip, alerting him to the dummy corporation and Hayden's crime. Michael takes the news to Monica, and they agree to confront her before the wedding. Meanwhile, Finn talks to Curtis, who encourages him to work everything out with his fiancée. Everyone's going to be disappointed, though, as Hayden has split, leaving only her engagement ring behind. Jason tries again to convince Sam that it's best for her to keep quiet about the shooting. She tells him that Julian might know what happened, which turns out to be true. Jason gets Julian to tell him everything, then orders him to stay away from Sam. A talk with Alexis about AA and making amends makes Sam feel bad about keeping secrets, but she seems to resign herself to going along with the plan when she remembers that coming clean would affect her family. Sam's gun is found in a Dumpster near the distillery, and though the serial number is missing and the fingerprints have been wiped, the police are able to confirm that it's the gun that fired the bullet in Sonny's leg. Dante and Nathan question Sonny again, as does Michael, but he continues to pretend he doesn't remember what happened. Jason goes by the PCPD, for some reason, and hears some officers talking about the third gun, so let's hope he doesn't try to steal it. Julian's trial is in recess for a few days, and Scott thinks the DA might be working on getting Jason to testify. Monica yells at Olivia about firing Cook 2, then doesn't have time to deal with Olivia's regret.

Please tell me that's not it for Rebecca Budig.

In case it wasn't clear that Jared's a villain, he smokes and litters.

LOL at Kathleen Gati, who's American, playing a German character using a fake American accent.

This shooting-cover-up plot just demonstrates that these people learned nothing from the Michael/Claudia plot.

Olivia was wearing another cute dress today, but she's not wearing white to a wedding, is she?

August 15th, 2017

Sam has a nightmare about Carly attacking her for shooting Sonny. When she wakes up, Carly's in her room, acting completely unlike she did in the dream. Jason catches them talking and shoos Carly away before Sam can say anything incriminating. Sam says AGAIN that she wants to tell Carly what happened, and Jason AGAIN convinces her to keep quiet without giving a good reason why. Port Charles has its own symphony, and suddenly everyone's all cultured and stuff, going to see them in the park. Oscar asks Josslyn to attend with him, on what would be their first date, though it takes her a minute to catch on that that's what he's looking for. Their date is over before it can begin when Dante summons Nelle to the police station for questioning, leading Michael to tell Josslyn that it's time to come clean about who really found the bullet casing. While Oscar tells Dante he found it, Josslyn confesses to Carly and gets herself grounded again. Dante then questions the guy who sold Sam the gun, but he can only get the guy to tell him that the buyer was a woman. Meanwhile, Jason has a police officer who owes Sonny a favor steal the telltale gun, which he then throws off the bridge. Alexis is annoyed not just because Parker's back in town but because Molly and Kristina didn't tell her they knew. She points out to Kristina that she and Molly pushed their mother to be honest about Julian, then kept their own secret. Alexis warns Parker to keep her distance from Kristina, who shuts her down, then joins Parker for the concert. Griffin convinces Ava to go to the concert, but they leave after just a few minutes when he gets stung by a bee. Treating his allergic reaction requires shirtlessness, and Ava gets a little distracted. Carly mentions Sam's dream to Sonny, noting that Jason seemed to rush her out like he was trying to cover something up. Sonny: "I certainly have no idea what that was about."

Good job, Jason. You committed a crime to cover up a non-crime.

Instead of worrying about what Carly does or doesn't know, Jason needs to tell Julian to get Ava to keep quiet. Dante is most likely going to peg her as the shooter, and there's nothing stopping Ava from telling him about her conversation with Sam.

I can't decide who I'm more against as a possible couple: Griffin and Ava, or Parker and Kristina.

"I did take a vow of poverty," jokes the neurosurgeon.

Trying to find a silver lining in Parker's return: The scenes involving/mentioning her pass the Bechdel Test.

I can't believe no one has called Valentin the Prince of Darkness before Ava did today.

August 16th, 2017

Finn thinks Hayden didn't turn to him when she needed help because he said she was untrustworthy when he was detoxing. Curtis tells him that's nuts and tries to talk him out of looking for her. Jared comes by, wanting his money, and the guys rough him up a bit, thinking he might know where Hayden is. He doesn't, and Curtis figures she'll just reinvent herself again anyway. Obrecht continues her premature celebration over Hayden's comeuppance, surprising Franco when she says she suspects Hayden didn't make it to her wedding because she's in jail. Elizabeth realizes that Obrecht must have been responsible for Hayden's embezzlement getting found out. Kristina asks what happened after Parker left town the last time she was there, and Parker admits that her marriage is over. Kristina has no regrets about their night together, and Parker feels like she was brave to follow her heart, even though it meant crossing a line. Ava totally wants to sleep with Griffin, who says there's nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy (I guess he's never heard of lust), but he doesn't seem to return her affection. Ava has a dream about getting her face back via grace, then making out with Griffin.

Finn, I don't think the guy who told you not to look for Hayden is now going to look for her for you.

Thank you, Curtis. Jared needed a punch in the face. least Franco got his hair cut.

Parker's wife took her back? That poor woman.

Ava really thinks she's going to Purgatory and not straight to Hell?

"Atonement gives you nice skin" is from which Gospel?

August 17th, 2017

Obrecht gloats too much about getting Hayden in trouble, and Finn and Elizabeth both tell her how awful she is. Curtis refuses to help Finn track down Hayden, but when Finn starts talking about second chances, Curtis feels bad and changes his mind. Maxie tells Spinelli she wants to unmask Man Landers, and he's reluctant to help, since he likes the guy. When Maxie finds out how popular Man Landers is, she decides to keep his identity to herself and use it to blackmail him into working for her magazine. Anna comes back from a visit to Robin and Patrick with Emma in tow, and the Scorpios toast to their newest family member, Noah Robert. Mac worries that Anna will find out about his and Felicia's near-arrest, but she tells him to chill. Anna asked Mac to keep an eye on Valentin while she was gone, so he fills her in on what she missed. He also advises her to stop focusing on him so much, so thanks, Mac. Also, apparently Spencer gave Emma a diamond? Felicia catches Nathan and Amy talking about keeping something from Maxie, and they use the excuse I always think people should give in that situation (they're picking out a surprise gift for her). Felicia seems to buy this, but then she sees the two of them hugging, so that can't be good. Elizabeth asks Franco to move in, so if you like them together, congratulations.

Oh, Curtis. Looking for Hayden is a waste of your time. She's not coming back.

Good call on comparing Spinelli's look to a pioneer and Little House on the Prairie character, Maxie and Ellie.

Anna, please listen to Mac. I can't take any more of your Valentin investigation.

Noah Robert is exactly the name I hoped they'd give the baby, so yay!

August 18th, 2017

Ava resists seeing Griffin again, since she doesn't think he'll ever feel anything but pity for her. Griffin seems more concerned with saving her soul anyway. Franco has his paintings back, and Elizabeth thinks he's happy to see them again, but he actually wants to destroy them since they represent the horrible person he used to be. Kiki stops him and tries to convince him to give them to Ava so they can both see beauty in the world, or something. Emma doesn't think Spencer would give her a real diamond, but she also thinks he might be involved in espionage, so she's probably not the best judge of what's going on here. Anna suspects that the diamond could be Hayden's, and she asks someone from the WSB to take a look at it. Valentin has made a list of the areas of his life he wants to turn around (basically, all of them) so he can win Nina back. She asks if he'll ever do bad stuff again, and he pretty much says yes, but not to her.

Raise your hand if you care at all about Franco and Ava having scenes together. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Other things I don't care about: Wherever this is going for Anna.

Emma, Spencer would TOTALLY give you a real diamond. He gave you a Fabergé egg!

Valentin got a horse called Left-Handed Boy. Wasn't that a Luke/Laura plot decades ago?

Back in town: Franco Baldwin, Emma Drake, Parker Forsyth
Left town, presumably: Hayden Barnes

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Curtis: "That's some wack poetry right there. I'd hate to hear your wedding vows"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ava: "Why does everyone think I need constant attention?" Gee, I wonder why?
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: N/A
Least believable moment: All of Franco's art is just splotches of color and CO77X?
Best instance of continuity: CO77X
Worst instance of continuity: If that's one of Hayden's diamonds, why did Spencer hold on to it for a year?
Hero of the week: Curtis, simply for punching Jared
Most annoying character: Obrecht
Smartest character: Michael, for getting Josslyn to tell Carly the truth
Dumbest character: Jason

The week in a nutshell:

August 22nd, 2017

Sam a-freaking-gain says she wants to tell Carly the truth, and Jason a-freaking-gain says she shouldn't, without giving a good reason. A conversation with Andre makes Sam worry that her hallucinations were manifestations of hidden desires. She confides that she worries more about Jason now than she did before she lost him. Andre advises her to find someone to talk to, and Sam decides to finally pull the trigger (so to speak) with Carly first. Jason and Sonny can;t stop her, and she finally tells Carly she's the one who shot Sonny. Franco convinces Ava to reopen her gallery and display his art. When Elizabeth sees his ruined paintings, he tells her that he's worried about going back to the person he used to be. Though hes tried to distance himself from who he was when he had the tumor, he's starting to accept that he's still the person who committed those crimes. Elizabeth wonders if something happened in New York that gave him this attitude. Kristina hears Sonny and Alexis talking about Sam and thinks her mother is telling her father about Parker. She and Alexis fight about how Alexis lectures her about her relationships while the family is still dealing with the fallout from her last bad relationship. After Alexis leaves, Kristina tells Sonny that she doesn't plan to go back to Parker, but she doesn't hate the woman who made her realize who she is. Carly tells Josslyn she's no longer allowed to see Oscar outside of school, almost like she expects Joss to listen. Alexis gives her the same advice she was once given about parenting teenagers – take a step back and let her kids make their own decisions, even if that means making mistakes. Carly relents and makes up with Josslyn, while Alexis smooths things over with Kristina, who's just had a talk with Valerie that made her realize she's lucky to have her mother around. The diamond Spencer gave Emma isn't Hayden's; it came from a high-profile robbery in Montenegro a few years ago. Anna decides to make this her next case. Curtis and Valerie's set-up date doesn't even get to the date part, and Stella's disappointed to learn what Curtis did that caused their breakup. Curtis and Jordan run into each other and wish each other happiness, like, we know they're eventually going to get back together, so whatever. Jordan questions Jason about the missing gun, but he sidesteps her questions, only saying that he and Sonny aren't planning to retaliate.

If I were Carly, I would have thought that Sam and Sonny were having an affair.

I'll acknowledge the parallel between Sam and Franco doing horrible things while sick, but I don't have to like it.

Oh, shut up, Elizabeth. Jason gets to hold a grudge as long as he wants.

Has Valerie ever had any interest in women? Asking for a friend. Named Kristina.

August 23rd, 2017

Sam tells Carly everything, expressing her regret over and over. Jason and Sonny tell her once again that she wasn't responsible for her actions, and Jason isn't upset that she didn't tell him what she was going through. In fact, he feels guilty because he didn't notice that she was sick. Carly looks mad for a while but eventually agrees with the guys that Sam shouldn't be held accountable for the shooting. Now, though, she's concerned with the police investigation and with the fact that her husband and best friend weren't honest with her. Since Liv would never be fit to testify, the DA puts Rudge on the stand to talk about Julian and Liv's supposed collaboration. He makes up a bunch of stuff that puts Julian in a bad light, and Julian himself doesn't help by threatening him. Ned asks Alexis to help him get custody of Leo, but Alexis isn't going anywhere near that situation. She confides that she wishes she could stop caring about Julian because she knows if she goes back to him, he'll just keep hurting her. (Also, she thinks she keeps falling for horrible men because of daddy issues.) Elizabeth and Franco talk about art and his childhood imaginary friend and their relationship and other things I don't get paid enough to focus on.

Sonny and Jason, excuse me while I say I told you so: I TOLD YOU SO.

Rudge! I've kind of missed him.

I appreciate that Alexis is now talking about her marriage like it was an abusive relationship, because towards the end, that's exactly what it was. Maybe she should have that conversation with Kristina, too.

There are few things I care about less than Franco's childhood imaginary friend.

August 24th, 2017

Scott's out of ideas for Julian's defense and reluctantly agrees to put him on the stand. Julian goes all martyr, saying he's willing to sacrifice his freedom and face prison time as long as his family's safe. Anna goes looking for Hayden to get more information on the diamond (yes, even though the WSB guy said it wasn't a Berlin diamond). She instead finds Finn, who's in denial about Hayden being gone forever and is even going to buy the house where they were going to start their family. He can't help Anna with the diamonds, so he suggests that she talk to Raymond. She can't get Raymond to agree to meet with her, so she asks Finn to arrange a meeting. Charlotte doesn't get why Valentin and Nina broke up, and why they haven't gotten back together. Unfortunately, it looks like Nina has also decided it doesn't make sense. Carly's hurt that Jason kept the shooting secret, not completely understanding his and Sonny's excuse that their priorities are different now. Carly's also, of course, angry at Sonny, but she'll forgive him if he never keeps a family secret from her again. Also, she's definitely matured since she wants to focus on the good things they have rather than mope about Jason being different now. Sam worries about her connection to Jason, since she didn't turn to him, and fears that she can't trust herself anymore.

The only reason I can think of for Anna to keep pursuing the Berlin angle is that she's trying to prove there's no connection to the diamond so she's free to investigate Valentin again.

Lucy, try tact next time.

I see you using your child to get Nina back, Valentin. In other words: (x).

Nope, still haven't heard a reasonable explanation for why Sonny and Jason wanted to keep Carly in the dark.

I really need to not hear this "Jason is different now" stuff.

August 25th, 2017

The judge basically says she doesn't care about Julian's remorse (which Ava later says was really an act for Alexis anyway), declaring him guilty of all charges. Julian thinks his family would be better off without him, so he's ready to be sentenced immediately. He gets 15-20 years in Pentonville, and Alexis is pretty upset about it. Scott wants to appeal, but Alexis doesn't want to give Julian false hope. Nina's clearly planning to get back together with Valentin, but a work crisis in Morocco requires her, Dillon, and Nelle's immediate attention. Valentin may make a surprise appearance in Marrakech. Ned made a business decision without consulting Michael, even though he doesn't actually work for ELQ. Michael blows up at him and asks if he should be worrying about a coup. Ned won't admit that he did anything wrong, but they both calm down, and Michael asks Ned if he wants to be the VP of new business. Ned's uncertain about the job until Dillon suggests that he put his new Quartermaine name to good use and act like a Quartermaine. Michael's going out of town (having invited himself along on the Crimson trip), so he asks Ned to run things while he's away. Valentin interrupts Dante and Lulu's alone time by bringing Charlotte over so he can go to dinner with Nina. He tells them he's working on something that will give him a reason to stay in town, which should lead to a custody arrangement that both parents find acceptable. Dante thinks that he'll eventually commit another crime and the Falconeris will get Charlotte for good. Ava laments to Griffin that Julian will rot away in prison while she rots away in the penthouse. A reporter ambushes her to ask about her brother, and she tries to send him away so her face isn't shown on camera. When he continues bugging her, Griffin shoves his cameraman like he's suddenly some protective caveman. On the plus side, he thinks Ava's getting back to her old self. Dillon may be supportive of Kiki's new desire to go to med school, but he sure is whiny about how busy studying for the MCAT makes her.

'Bye, William DeVry! See you when your new contract kicks in!

Scott: "I'm all ears." Me: "Except for that part Luke bit off. YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT."

I bet Olivia would love to know that Ned gave a donation to Lomax.

Nina has nothing to do with Charlotte's custody. Stop talking, Valentin.

Since they've let Robert Palmer Watkins go, I'm wondering if they'll just have Nina and Nelle come back in a few weeks alone, saying that Dillon's locked up in a Moroccan prison.

Dillon, a child lives in your house now. Keep your clothes on.

Imprisoned: Julian Jerome

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): I actually can't think of any
Funniest moment (unintentional): Same
Saddest moment: Yeah, nothing made me happy or sad this week. It was all pretty dull
Sweetest/cutest moment: Lulu looked cute in her baseball get-up
Least believable moments: The whole Michael/Ned thing; Griffin getting physically violent
Best instance of continuity: The reason Curtis and Valerie broke up
Worst instance of continuity: The diamonds were back with the feds before Hayden and Finn got involved
Hero of the week: Sam, for finally ending that ridiculousness
Most annoying character: Valentin
Smartest character: Judge Chua
Dumbest character: Ned

The week in a nutshell:

August 28th, 2017

Sonny tells Jason that he's set up a meeting with the Five Families for the next day, where he'll announce his retirement and split up his territories. Jason isn't sure his plans will succeed, but when Sam tells him he should tag along just to make sure everything goes well, he hesitates, saying Sonny's responsible for his life now. Sam ultimately talks him into it, and I'm sure nothing bad will happen! Jake sees Franco's imaginary-friend painting and guesses that the two boys in it are brothers. Later, Franco finds old pictures featuring two boys. Ava doesn't understand friendship or compassion, and I'm really tired of her scenes with Griffin. Kristina wants a wingwoman for lesbian night at the Floating Rib, so she enlists Valerie but doesn't tell her the details of the evening. Valerie doesn't care, though, and turns out to be an excellent wingwoman – when Parker turns up with a date, Valerie kisses Kristina to make her jealous. Alexis tells Sam about Julian's conviction and how he wants this to be the push she needs to move on. Later, she catches Sonny and Carly celebrating Julian's conviction, but her sadness doesn't overshadow their happiness. Also, hopefully someone will stop her from taking the rest of their champagne. Lucy has a great day: First she finds a buyer for Sonny's restaurant, and then Lee gives her the deed to his office building.

Ava, if you don't want pity, cancel your 24-hour-a-day pity party.

Really, the only con to a Valerie/Kristina relationship is that things would be awkward with Dante, but he and Kristina never talk anyway, so whatever.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Franco's imaginary friend wasn't really imaginary.

Franco ate something – drink!

August 29th, 2017

Sonny and Jason meet with the Five Families, who easily accept his retirement announcement and agree to leave the Corinthos and Morgan families alone. Meanwhile, Sam runs into Andre again and may actually be considering taking him up on his offer for therapy. When Jason leaves the summit to meet up with her, she admits that part of her has spent the past five years fearing that she'll lose him again. He assures her she won't, jinxing the heck out of it. He heads back to the meeting space, where one of the bosses, Petrov, has just taken Max hostage. He plans to kill Sonny and Max, then take over the Corinthos territories. Jason arrives to shift the balance of power, but he's distracted when Sam shows up. Sonny and Max are unharmed, but Jason takes a bullet in the chest trying to protect his wife. Maxie's back in town for good and wants to surprise Nathan, whom Felicia spots heading to a Metro Court room with Amy. They're meeting with Quinn, who reveals that their contract requires Nathan to appear at a book-launch party. Felicia tells Maxie her suspicions, and Maxie arrives at the hotel room just as Amy and Nathan, half-shirtless because of a coffee spill, are heading out, talking about keeping a secret. Nelle doesn't like pictures of herself (or, more likely, is trying to keep her identity hidden). Carly again proves that she's changed over the years by telling Bobbie that she wants Felicia to drop the investigation into Nelle's past. Carly may not like her, but she wants to let Michael do what he wants. Bobbie tells Felicia to call it off, but Felicia has already received a bombshell: Nelle apparently killed someone. Ned makes another business decision without Michael, and I'm really not going to have any sympathy for him when that inevitably blows up in his face. Olivia wants a pizza oven. Cook 2 is back and madder than ever. This is an actual plot.

This will sound strange, but I prefer Jason being shot over Max. Max is expendable, but Jason isn't, so he'll be fine. Drew Cheetwood is coming back in the next couple of weeks, and I don't want it to be for Max's funeral.

But freaking A, how much time this year have the Morgans spent needing medical attention?

Yeah, I don't buy that Maxie would think Nathan's cheating, no matter what Felicia said.

Amy, don't worry about the Nathan cut-outs. Plenty of people will be willing to take them home.

Remember when Olivia was on all the time and not, you know, talking about pizza ovens?

August 30th, 2017

Sam and Sonny try to keep Jason from bleeding to death. (Max is also there but isn't especially helpful. It's okay; I still love you, Max.) According to Felicia's research, Nelle (FKA Janelle Benson) was engaged to a rich guy named Zachary Grant, who drowned. The police said it was an accident, but his family accused Nelle of foul play, since his kayak was seemingly rigged to sink. Nelle was supposed to inherit millions of dollars, but the Grants are keeping the money from her. Bobbie worries that Michael is a black widow's new target. Valentin surprises Nina in Morocco and they get back together. I go "uggggggggggggh" for an hour. There's a delay at the photo shoot, so Dillon uses Nelle for his test shots. They talk about money and how her life is so different from it was in her childhood and how happy she is. Later, she asks him to delete the photos and possibly steals a really expensive sapphire necklace. Nathan and Amy tell Maxie everything, and though she's a little hurt that she was kept in the dark, she acknowledges that Nathan was doing a good deed. Amy even leaves with a better view of Maxie. Nathan tells his wife that he's going to own up to being Man Landers, then move to Portland. Maxie gives him the good news that she's moving back to Port Charles. Carly tells Josslyn she wants them to move back in with Sonny and Avery. Josslyn's still not 100% a Sonny fan, but she's working on it, and she agrees to the move.

Valentin, you are not being cute or romantic. You are being annoying.

How much money do you think Crimson lost while Nina was having sex instead of working?

Thank you, Maxie, for reacting exactly as I'd hoped to the Ask Man Landers revelation.

It wasn't as blatant but Carly definitely used Avery on Josslyn like Valentin uses Charlotte on Nina.

August 31st, 2017

Nina ignores news of the missing necklace to get back in bed with Valentin. Eventually she has to go do her job, which means interrogating Nelle about what happened to the necklace after she took it off. Michael takes offense, and Nelle's hurt that Nina and Valentin let her take care of Charlotte but don't think she could take care of a necklace. Sam, Carly, Sonny, Monica, and Elizabeth fret over Jason's condition as doctors get him ready for surgery. A conversation with Dante makes it sound like Sonny no longer thinks he can successfully leave the mob. Carly tells Bobbie that she's not going to tell Michael about the Zachary thing since she doesn't have any proof, and she doesn't want to ruin her relationship with her only remaining son. Bobbie worries that Nelle will hurt Michael before Carly realizes anything's wrong. Griffin's patient from the bomb scare, Marisol, is back, and things look bad for her. Ava's depression has cleared, but learning about Marisol brings her back down. She offers Griffin some comfort, so I guess she has compassion after all. Unlike everyone else in this episode, Kiki's life is going great, thanks to her med-school prospects and David's belief in her.

Hey, Nina, if everyone's a suspect, why didn't you question Dillon?

Michael and Valentin, stay out of it.

Seriously, though, what DID happen to Carly? When did she get so mature?

Hopefully med school will also help Kiki learn to read a room.

Are they going to give James DePaiva more to do, or is this it?

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