December 5th, 2016

Julian reveals to Alexis that he remembers everything that happened on Thanksgiving and could easily turn her in to the police. Alexis boasts that no one would believe him over her. He goes for a new strategy, threatening to rat on her to the Bar Association. Then he takes back his threat, though he wants something in exchange for his silence. Sonny and Carly bond by presenting a united front against Ava. When she throws Morgan in their faces, trying to use his death as proof that they're bad parents, Carly brings up the recording she still has of Ava and Paul having sex. She adds that it's entirely possible that Ava knew Paul was the hospital killer, so she could be considered an accessory after the fact. She might even have used that knowledge to make Paul throw Julian's case. Ava has no choice but to back down, asking if their teaming up means Sonny and Carly are back together. The answer is, basically, yes, though Carly wants to worry about getting through Christmas before they get into details. Dante and Lulu have a run-in with Valentin, and they're definitely not going to be friends anytime soon. When Lulu sees Charlotte for the first time, she gets very interested. Sam and Jason (and, separately, Curtis) decide that the car bomb and hit-and-run are probably unrelated. Curtis reports that Julian's uninterested in investigating the latter and doesn't seem to want the truth about the former. Jason thinks he knows who the bomber is but doesn’t want him exposed; the bomber targeted him for something he did in the past, and exposing him would get Julian in trouble. With help from Spinelli, Jason and Curtis track down the van that blocked the surveillance camera at the Floating Rib and discover something behind its fake signage. Nelle agrees to go to the gala with Michael, who will probably end up buying her a dress and jewelry to wear. Speaking of jewelry, she left her necklace on Sonny's bedroom floor. Anna asks Laura for anything she knows about Valentin, but all Laura can share is the feeling that Valentin has a secret about Laura's family. Later, Robert sends Anna information on Valentin's boarding school, which was burned to the ground, killing the headmaster.

For the last time, Ava: Carly is smarter than you and always will be.

Okay, just skip to the part where Charlotte is Lulu's daughter, even though it's a huge middle finger to continuity.

Jason and Curtis working together is everything I hoped for and more. I don't need anything else for Christmas. (Except for Todd back, now that the Prospect Park lawsuit has been dismissed.)

Thanks for stopping by and being completely useless, Amy. Don't come again.

December 6th, 2016

Lulu is immediately drawn to Charlotte, but Nina's overprotective and ends their conversation before Lulu can learn any more about the girl. Valentin wants them all to get along and even let Charlotte and Rocco become friends. Dante thinks Lulu feels for Charlotte because she's had a crazy past few months and Lulu's just compassionate. The van belongs to Derek Wells Media, and after some antics with vandalism and Jason pretending to be crazy, the driver names Julian as his boss. Jason and Curtis decide that Julian planted the bomb in his own car. Sam escorts Alexis out of Julian's room, but Alexis goes back later to hear the rest of his blackmail plan: He wants her to tend to him when he gets out of the hospital. Alexis knows that no one will believe that they're back together, so she'll be keeping the arrangement a secret. Molly thinks Alexis only went to see Julian to get closure, but Sam's a little worried that she's thawing toward him. Carly and Sonny are getting along much better, and Michael's happy about it. Carly likes that he and Nelle are getting closer, and Sonny can't exactly warn him to keep his distance from her. Kiki thinks Michael and Nelle are more than friends and gives Nelle a mini-Kiki/Morgan/Michael history lesson. Later, Nelle tells Carly that she and Sonny belong together. Kevin gets Laura to admit that, like Valentin said, they'll remain connected since Charlotte is Nikolas' family. Kevin then makes his own admission, telling Laura he loves her. Nina pretends that her interest in Charlotte has nothing to do with wanting a child, like, you don't have to lie to the murderer, sweetie.

Let's hope Charlotte's a red herring and Lulu doesn't have to co-parent her with the guy who killed her brother.

I'm really enjoying the Adventures of Jason and Curtis. I smell a spin-off!

I'm sad we didn't get to see Molly standing up to Valentin. It's something to look forward to in the future.

Nelle: "Stop me if I'm prying..." Me: "I'M STOPPING YOU. STOP."

December 7th, 2016

Lulu admits to Dante that she thinks Charlotte might be her daughter. Dante points out that her paternity has been proven, and a child of Valentin's couldn't be Lulu's. Lulu acts like she's convinced, but she quickly goes to Maxie for help to look into things. Dante may not be as convinced as he lets on either, since he takes the conversation to Nathan. Nina drops off a present at Wyndemere, then gets stranded there overnight by a rainstorm. She insists that she doesn't trust Valentin, but his Dracula charm and the fact that he treats her like an adult ultimately win her over, and they're off to bed again. Despite Sam and Jason's protests that it's a bad idea, Curtis offers to give Jordan the information they've dug up about the car bomb if she shares what she's found out. At first Jordan's unwilling to cooperate, but after Curtis tells her what they discovered about the van, she lets him look at security footage taken from a different angle. In exchange, she wants a promise that he'll come to her first, not Sonny, if he and his investigation partners clear Sonny's name. Whatever's on the footage is big, and Jason might forgive Curtis for not honoring their agreement. Andre helps Anna psychoanalyze Valentin, though she still can't figure out why he seems familiar. They decide her next stop needs to be his burned-down boarding school. Sam and Jason decide to shelve both moving away and finding out the sex of the baby (though they're not as sure about putting off the latter). Maxie and Nathan are the filler.

The one time Valentin isn't manipulating Nina, she thinks he is. Work on those instincts, Nina.

If they wanted a reason for there to be a woman's things at Wyndemere, they should have said they were Hayden's, not Britt's. Britt hasn't lived there for two years.

Sam and Jason didn't think about talking to Dante? Okay.

Remember when Maxie and Nathan had actual plotlines? Me neither.

December 8th, 2016

Maxie and Lulu track down the doctor who delivered Charlotte, and Maxie undergoes two examinations to distract him while Lulu snoops through patient files. According to the clinic's records, Claudette was a surrogate, so Lulu's theory about being Charlotte's mother is still on the table. Unfortunately, the doctor, Bellamy, calls Valentin to let him know that people are looking into his past. Dante and Nathan go about looking into Lulu's idea a different way, telling Valentin that Claudette may have turned up alive. Before that can go anywhere, Nina appears and Nathan lays into her for sleeping with Valentin again. Nina was hesitant before about anything coming from that, but, like a teenager, she decides to do the opposite of what Nathan wants. She announces that Valentin's her boyfriend and she's going to keep seeing him no matter what. Franco tries to get Elizabeth to protect herself since she's not into letting him protect her right now. Tom approaches Kiki again and suggests that he take her picture so she can put together a modeling portfolio. Kiki's instincts are much better than, say, Nina's, and she's less than interested. Dillon then tells her about Tom, so she's not going to be getting close to him. Franco has another run-in with Tom, then asks Kiki to help him keep the women of Port Charles safe, so I guess they're going to be superhero vigilantes now? It seems like Hayden's still in denial, but she tells Finn she's actually accepted that she's dying and has made a bucket list. He wants to help her complete it, but it might already be too late. Elizabeth is really curious about Hayden's current condition and asks Monica a) if she knew Hayden had sepsis and b) why Hayden's living at the Quartermaines'. Tracy finally tells them what's been going on with Finn and Hayden, leading Elizabeth to call one of Hayden's parents (we're supposed to think it's Jeff but it's probably Naomi).

Lulu owes Maxie, like, ten favors. Maxie underwent two examinations and got kidnapped. She shouldn't have to get Lulu a Christmas present now.

Thanks for giving us five minutes of Lulu looking through a file cabinet. That was riveting television.

Guys, please stop mentioning Emily, unless it's leading to Sam and Jason having a girl and naming her Emily.

Hayden and Finn's plotline has basically turned into a Hallmark movie.

December 9th, 2016

In ten minutes of plot that get stretched out the entire hour, Bellamy locks Maxie and Lulu up to give Valentin time to come deal with them. Meanwhile, Dante and Nathan realize something's wrong and race to New York to save the two women, who, let's face it, could have handled themselves. Everyone's on hand to hear Valentin confirm Lulu's suspicions that she's Charlotte's mother. The new security footage shows a possible witness and a bag from a Chinese restaurant being thrown in a Dumpster. Jason and Curtis spend the day Dumpster-diving and find materials that could have been used to plant and/or build a bomb (as well as some commemorative glasses that Curtis will be keeping as a souvenir). Ava questions Julian's decision to have Alexis take care of him while he convalesces. She thinks he needs to protect himself, since he's been the target of two murder attempts. Eventually she realizes that the second attempt was Alexis' doing, which just makes her wonder even more about the wisdom of keeping her so close. Griffin is also curious, asking Alexis why she's willing to tend to the man who tried to kill her. Alexis pretends she's working on forgiveness, but Griffin doesn't believe her. Sonny returns Nelle's necklace to her, then tells her he's gotten her job back for her, so she should go back to Atlanta, like, right now. Nelle's angry at first, so Sonny takes a step back, saying he's not going to force her to leave. She tells him she wants to stick around and keep building her new life in Port Charles. She promises again that she'll continue to keep quiet about their "affair," though she's secretly recorded them talking about it again.

When the villain wants to answer your questions, SHUT UP AND LET HIM. Freaking A.

Also: Lulu, please take, like, five DNA tests.

Curtis listens to NPR! That makes him even more attractive.

Guys, I'm scared. Ava made good points today.

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Curtis assuring Sam that he'll be careful, too, after she told Jason to be careful; Curtis: "My partner--." Jason: "I didn't want to." Curtis: "He ain't want to. He crazy"
Funniest moment (unintentional): The way Curtis pointed to himself while saying Julian should want to hire a PI
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Finn putting his arm around Hayden
Least believable moment: Those Dumpsters haven't been emptied since October
Best instance of continuity: Carly still has the recording of Ava and Paul
Worst instance of continuity: Charlotte was born in 2009, a full two years before Dante and Lulu were even married
Hero of the week: Maxie, who really took one for the team
Most annoying character: Nina
Smartest character: Carly
Dumbest character: Nina

The week in a nutshell:

• Lulu became convinced that Charlotte is her daughter. A trip to New York with Maxie led to the news that Claudette was a surrogate, but it also led to Maxie and Lulu being locked in a room for Valentin to handle. Then after all that, he didn't do anything to them, instead just telling them that Lulu is Charlotte's mother.
• Jason and Curtis discovered that the van blocking the security camera across from the Floating Rib belongs to Derek Wells Media. Curtis then broke from his investigation with the Morgans to ask Jordan straight out for information on the car bomb. She let him watch footage from a different security camera, which sent him and Jason after bomb-making/-planting materials tossed in a Dumpster.
• Julian remembers the hit-and-run and used it to blackmail Alexis into taking care of him.
• Sonny kept keeping his "fling" with Nelle from Carly, who thinks Nelle and Michael should be friends.
• Hayden's getting worse.
• Nina and Valentin are officially together.
• Franco and Kiki want to protect the women of Port Charles from Tom.
• Santa Kevin loves Laura.
• Andre and Laura provided Anna a little help with her investigation into Valentin.

December 12th, 2016

Valentin's story is that Helena was going to use Daphne as a surrogate, so she drugged and seduced him to get his sperm. Before Lulu's embryo could be implanted, Valentin stole it, then used Claudette as a surrogate instead. Lulu's furious that he never told her she had a daughter, and Dante thinks he should face criminal charges. Valentin tries to argue that Lulu's now free of Helena and can be with her daughter after all this time. Dillon recommends Kiki for a job as Nina's assistant, but Kiki isn't interested, not least because it means the two of them will have to spend time together. He accuses her of continuing to punish herself for choosing him over Morgan. She slaps him, which makes him decide he's had enough. While Nina tells Kiki that Dillon really likes her and maybe it's time for her to move on already, Dillon takes a step toward moving on himself, heading off somewhere with Valerie. Nelle almost ditches Michael at the gala, complaining that he didn't give her enough time to get a more formal dress. He buys something less formal at the hotel gift shop so she won't feel so out-of-place. Their evening together goes well, but she ditches him when she remembers her real reason for coming to town (whatever that may be). Jason figures out that Sonny slept with Nelle (allegedly) and urges him to tell Carly. Sonny thinks the secret's safe with him and Nelle, but Jason might have other ideas. Kiki lures Tom to Franco's studio, where Franco swears they're just going to talk. After she leaves, Franco knocks out Tom, sticks him in a dog cage, and explains that he's going to be trained to be a good dog. Griffin tells Elizabeth he's surprised that Franco seems to see her as frail, since she doesn't usually come across that way. He thinks Franco acts out because he wants to prove that he's good enough for her. Nina will NOT shut UP about Valentin, and Dillon's not the only person who doesn't want to hear about her sex life.

So Valentin's a criminal for taking his own child from Helena, but Britt's in the clear for stealing someone else's embryo and passing off Rocco as her own? OKAY.

Hey, Ms. Violence is Bad and Wrong, was slapping Dillon really necessary?

Nelle, no one cares what you're wearing. No one even knows who you are.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how ticked will Carly be at Jason when she finds out he knew about Sonny and Nelle and didn't tell her?

Drink every time someone says "Tom Baker" instead of just his first or last name.

Dillon, please report Nina to HR for sexual harassment.

December 13th, 2016

Nelle goes home to look at a music box and what looks like a baby rattle. She tells Michael she felt sick, so he brings her soup and proves for the millionth time that he's a wonderful person and she doesn't deserve him. He also figures out that she lied about being sick and just felt like they were crossing a line by basically going on a date. They decide to just be friends, at least for now. Sonny gives Jason some excuses for not telling Carly about Nelle, but admittedly, one is good: The first Christmas after Morgan's death isn't the right time to tell your wife you slept with someone else. Jason still doesn't like that Sonny's keeping a secret, but he can't argue with that reasoning. Hayden's getting worse quickly, and Finn has to dip into his stash to keep her going. He admits to Tracy that she may only have a couple days left. Tracy kicks him out to go back to work saving both of them. A seizure makes Hayden mistake Finn for her father, and she shares that she's found someone she loves. She also mistakes Tracy for Naomi and asks if Naomi has always seemed distant because looking at Hayden reminds her that she cheated and Jeff chose his wife over her. Tracy says she's struggled to show affection despite being raised by such an affectionate woman, but she loves Hayden. Finn finds inspiration in Roxie, and her sloughing of her scales may be the key to a cure. Elizabeth visits Franco at his studio, so he blasts music and keeps her in the hallway so she can't hear Tom. She butters him up, telling him he's her hero, and asks him again to leave Tom alone. Franco assures Tom that he won't kill him, but he's not going to let him go either. Carly wants to spend Christmas with Sonny, though she tells Michael they're not getting back together, at least not yet.

I don't know if it was intended, but I like the parallel of Tracy pretending to be Naomi after Jason pretended to be Edward for her.

We'll just ignore the psychological weirdness of Hayden mistaking Finn for her father.

"You got me a present?" What a dumb question. Come on, Elizabeth.

"I don't need you to be a hero, because to me, you already are one." GROSS. Come ON, Elizabeth.

December 14th, 2016

In a totally anticlimactic moment, Griffin confirms that Lulu is Charlotte's mother. Dante focuses on a potential custody battle with Valentin, leading Lulu to wonder if he's going to be able to accept that she has a child with someone else. Jason and Curtis check out the origins of the bag holding the bomb-making tools and learn that it's from a pawn shop. The owner claims not to recognize anyone involved in the situation, and he says he's never seen the tools they found. Funny, since Jason finds a toolset with an empty space just the right size and shape for wire cutters used in the bomb placement. Someone watches through a surveillance camera as Jason and Curtis urge the pawn-shop owner to decide whether he really wants to keep lying. Alexis and Ava are immediately at odds over Julian's recovery. Ava guesses that there's something Alexis and Julian aren't saying about his hit-and-run, but it becomes clear when Alexis' bag spills and a bunch of mini-bottles of booze fall out. Ava thinks it's time to get the police involved. Carly learns that Sonny got Nelle a new job, but Nelle manages to spin things so Sonny comes out looking like a good guy. Also, Nelle needs to go away so Sonny and Carly can have family time together. Maxie wants to throw Sam a baby shower, because I guess she doesn't have enough going on in her life right now. She disagrees with Sam and Jason's decision not to find out the sex, stealing Kelly's note revealing it.

I talked about parallels yesterday, and now another one has come up, but not in the same way. When Dante and Lulu found out that "Ben" was his (but before they found out Lulu was his mother), she was excited that he had a child, even though she wasn't his mother. Contrast that with Dante not being excited about Charlotte on Lulu's behalf.

What was the point of Ava pretending she didn't know Alexis hit Julian?

Sonny, it's okay to ask Nelle to leave your house. In fact, I encourage it.

Maxie's getting married on New Year's Eve. How does she have time for anything other than wedding stuff? Why does she care so much about the sex of the baby? She hasn't talked to Sam in months!

December 15th, 2016

Lulu tells Laura about Charlotte, promising not to do anything rash (or Luke-like) so they can handle custody legally. Then she goes to Wyndemere and demands to take her daughter home. Dante assures Lulu that he'll be a good stepfather to Charlotte, but later he tells Olivia that he can't stop focusing on the hard parts of the situation, like how Valentin is now part of their lives forever. Jordan stops by the Jeromes', surprised to see Alexis there, since she filed a restraining order against Julian. Alexis says she came to get something, thinking Julian wouldn’t be there, and Julian plays along. Jordan asks about the van from the Floating Rib, interested when Julian jumps to Derek Wells Media before she mentions the company. He pleads ignorance, but Jordan and Alexis both think he's hiding something. Speaking of pleading ignorance, the pawn shop owner, Rudge (dude, I don't know), sticks to his story that he doesn't know anything about the tool set. The investigators admire a Chinese boat, and he quickly takes it away, saying it's on hold for a regular customer. Jason leaves behind his name and number, hoping Rudge will tell Julian he was there and Julian will get flushed out. Rudge definitely knows something, as he gives Jason's number to the person watching on the security monitors, who then gets a call from Julian. Nina learns about Charlotte's maternity from Maxie and immediately confronts Valentin for not telling her. Valentin plays the "I'm just a single father trying to do what's best for my daughter" card, swearing he's not trying to manipulate Nina. Maxie tells Felicia that she's sad that Lulu had to miss so much time with Charlotte. Felicia urges her to forget about the past and focus on how awesome her future is going to be.

Yes, Lulu, the best way to get access to your daughter from her legal guardian is to show up unannounced and demand it.

"Ruler of Wyndemere" sounds like a title from Game of Thrones.

Olivia's premonition record stands. Good on you, Liv.

Are we dealing with the Wu family? I've been waiting for them to resurface.

I get where you're coming from, Nina, but this is SO not about you.

December 16th, 2016

Scorecard:
Kidnapped: Tom Baker

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Finn will reward Roxie with a viewing of Godzilla
Funniest moment (unintentional): N/A
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Tracy and Hayden's mother/daughter moment
Least believable moment: That Maxie cares that much about whether Sam and Jason are having a boy or a girl
Best instance of continuity: I think I saw a CO77X on the wall of Franco's studio
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Roxie, it looks like
Most annoying character: Nina
Smartest characters: Jason and Curtis
Dumbest character: Rudge

The week in a nutshell:

• Lulu was confirmed to be Charlotte's mother, and she and Dante were unhappy to have to deal with Valentin.
• With Kiki's help, Franco lured Tom to his studio and locked him in a dog cage.
• Almost out of options to help Hayden, Finn was inspired by Roxie, of all creatures, and had a breakthrough.
• Jason and Curtis continued their investigation, heading to a pawn shop owned by a guy who definitely knows something.
• Alexis and Ava are equally unhappy about Julian's home-care arrangements.
• Sonny told Jason that he (supposedly) slept with Nelle, but the secret is still a secret from Carly. Nelle got closer to Michael, but so far they're still just friends.
• Dillon and Kiki had a spat about her not forgiving herself for choosing Morgan over him. He may have decided to move on with Valerie.
• Maxie snooped to find out if Sam and Jason are having a boy or a girl.

December 19th, 2016

Hayden's sepsis returns, so Elizabeth sends her to the hospital as she nears organ failure. Hayden asks to see Finn, but he doesn't get there until a doctor renders her unconscious to give her a better chance of surviving. Finn's spent the day in the lab, mixing up a cure with help from Brad. He plans to use himself as a guinea pig, but before he can take the injection, Hayden goes into distress. Lulu's ready for a fight with Valentin, but he doesn't plan to try to keep Charlotte from her. He just wants to take things slowly and not tell her the truth about her maternity yet. He allows Lulu to take Charlotte to a tree-lighting ceremony at the Metro Court, though Nina warns that she's not going to play by his rules or share her new toy. Valentin's like, "Whatever, the kid's gone, wanna hook up?" On the other end of things, Dante decides he's going to be able to commit to being a stepfather. This probably won't involve going along with Lulu's brilliant plan not to return Charlotte to Valentin at the end of the night. Tom is almost able to get Franco's phone, but Franco catches him before he can. Tom asks to call his parole officer, since he has to check in each week or he'll go back to prison. He realizes that that's Franco's plan – keep him caged long enough to violate his parole so he'll go back behind bars. Franco puts on another lock, but Tom's able to free himself on his next attempt. Meanwhile, his brother Seth goes to the hospital, looking for information on his whereabouts. Anna and Dante chat about Valentin and how she's trying to figure out why he's familiar. A song Charlotte teaches Emma (oh, yeah, Emma's in town) gives Anna a flashback to a hallway and a door.

Brad's being helpful! It's a Christmas miracle!

While I get why Lulu acted the way she did with Valentin, he hasn't given any indication that he's going to keep Charlotte from her. If he wanted to, he would have left town with her already.

Did Dante honestly think Lulu WOULDN'T go see Charlotte and Valentin the first chance she got?

Franco ate something – drink!

December 20th, 2016

Hayden dies, but Finn is able to revive her. He decides she needs the possible cure more than he does, even though a) it could kill her and b) there's no guarantee he could make more for himself. The two of them try to convince themselves that they'll both be okay, and they'll celebrate by getting together. Charlotte has no interest in spending time with Lulu, which makes it harder for Lulu to find an excuse to get her to the Falconeris' house. Then Valentin shows up, having listened to Nina's warning that Lulu might take Charlotte from him. Her plans to take her daughter ruined, Lulu decides to fight for full custody instead. Dante tries to talk her down, reminding her that Charlotte only has Valentin in her life, and taking him away will only make Charlotte turn on her. Lulu kind of listens, then turns around and tells Valentin she's going for full custody. Emma offers to spy on Charlotte and Valentin for Anna, who vetoes the idea (but if Emma overhears anything, she can feel free to share it with her grandmother). Anna fishes for information on the mystery song, which Valentin tells her is Russian. He tells her a story about something a teacher once said to him in Russian, jogging her memory again. She tells Dante that she thinks she knows Valentin from her time in WSB training, but something's keeping her from remembering him. While Tom tries but fails to get out of the studio, Franco tells Seth that he has no idea where he is. He adds that Tom is more likely to hurt someone than Franco is to hurt him. Hayden's near-death makes Elizabeth realize that she's wasting time and wants to really commit to Franco. This makes him realize that he needs to be a good guy for real, so he goes back to the studio to free Tom, who overpowers him. Laura accepts a position on GH's board and promises Lucy that her first act will be to secure funding for the Nurses' Ball. Lucy and Kevin both point out that Laura will now technically be her boyfriend's boss. Kevin offers to take back his "I love you," but Laura wants to keep it and add one of her own.

Dear Hayden and Finn, whatever you say on someone's deathbed is legally binding, so now you have to get together. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

On the bright side, Lulu, you have a very polite daughter.

Emma is the best. That is all.

Anna's been on the show for decades and I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've heard that she speaks Russian. BUT WHATEVER.

December 21st, 2016

Tom renders Franco unconscious, locks him in the cage, and goes off in search of either Elizabeth or Kiki to cause some mayhem. Franco dreams that Sam finds him but won't let him out of the cage, since he needs to suffer for what he put her through. He insists that he's sorry, but she hasn't seen anything to indicate that. Elizabeth shows up next, followed by another version of Franco, who says his dark side is ready to come out and play again. He may be the Ghost of Christmas Future, as he predicts that he'll be back soon. Heather tells Elizabeth the same thing when she comes looking for information on Naomi's whereabouts (just go with it). Elizabeth is sure that Franco would never hurt her, but Heather doesn't think he'll be able to stay good. Maxie has a gender-reveal cake made for Sam's baby shower, but no one will cut it when they learn that Sam and Jason don't want to know the baby's gender yet. After everyone leaves, Jason suggests that they cut it alone (but we don't get to see what color it is inside). Rudge visits Julian to ensure that he's still playing by their boss' rules. Julian brings up the Derek Wells Media van, but Rudge sticks to the idea that Sonny set the bomb, and the van doesn't mean anything. Jason reluctantly tells Sonny that evidence points to Julian setting the bomb in his own car. Jason, however, wonders why he didn't get rid of the van afterward. Sonny's ready to kill Julian, but Jason manages to stall him, saying they need more evidence before they make a move. Kristina's found an apartment, so Alexis is about to have an empty nest. Julian decides to invite himself to move back home.

I really liked the Franco/Dream Sam scenes, and I wish he'd dreamed about Michael, too. After all, Franco set Michael's rape in motion, and if Tom were to rape Elizabeth again, Franco would have set that in motion, too.

What an incredible contrived reason for Elizabeth to go see Heather. They could have at least made up something about Steven.

I love SO MUCH that Sam and Carly don't hate each other anymore.

In light of recent casting news about Tonja Walker, I would just like to state for the record that Julian and Rudge's boss' gender hasn't been specified. (Is that coming from a cake, too?)

Rudge to Julian: "You're rather unlikable." Rudge, you're welcome to stay as long as you'd like.

December 22nd, 2016

Ava thinks Julian's nuts for wanting to live with the woman who almost killed him. He's still stuck on the idea that Alexis still loves him and will eventually take him back, but Ava can't encourage that thinking. Julian blurts that he was never going to kill Alexis, but he walks it back and doesn't elaborate. The second Kristina moves out, Julian moves back in, even though Alexis hasn't come up with a plan in case someone comes over and sees him there. He takes a call from his boss, and she overhears him saying that everything he's doing is because of his children. Naomi turns up and tries to take over Hayden's care, including trying to get Finn away from her. But Hayden's on her way to being cured and is never going to agree to that. All in all, Hayden has a good Christmas Eve: Her mom's out of prison, she and her sister are getting along, she's not going to die, and her about-to-be boyfriend decorated her cactus like a Christmas tree. Franco frees himself from the cage and checks in with Elizabeth and Kiki, who haven't encountered Tom. In fact, Tom is now MIA, and Franco has no idea where he might have gone. He goes to see Heather, who wants him to be himself (e.g., Dark Franco) and warns that Elizabeth will leave him if she finds out he kidnapped Tom. Dillon and Kiki make up, but things are awkward between them. Kiki overhears Dillon and Valerie talking about the night they spent together (though there's no confirmation that anything intimate happened) and is upset that he's already moving on. Kiki and Dillon both decide to find something to do to keep their minds off of each other.

Dude, Julian, even Ava thinks you're hopeless. It might be time to throw in the towel.

Also, I'm sure that when Alexis hears that Julian wasn't actually going to kill her, she'll suddenly be okay with him again.

When Elizabeth was drawing Hayden's blood, I wish Hayden had said, "Haven't I given you enough blood?"

Dillon and Kiki "run in the same social circles"? Does either of them even have a social circle? Whatever – see you again in three weeks or so, Valerie.

December 23rd, 2016

Elizabeth tells Franco that Tom's parole officer called to let her know that he missed their meeting. Franco's more than willing to spend the night at her place in case she needs protection. While Monica takes over Alan's old Christmas duties by talking to kids about bad people and good people, Franco starts to tell Elizabeth that he did something to Tom. Before he can continue, Dante arrives and announces that Tom was found stabbed to death. The Corinthoses handle their first Christmas without Morgan better than expected, though Nelle's presence makes things a little weird. Kristina hears her and Sonny talking about keeping something from Carly, so Nelle says that Sonny got her a surprise present. Of course, no such surprise exists, so Nelle pretends her present for Carly is really from Sonny. It's gloves, and now Carly's suspicious. Julian wishes he'd never put out the hit on Duke, since his whole life would be better if he hadn't. He tells Alexis that he heard her voice after she ran him over, and credits her with bringing him back to life. He's so convincing with his declarations of love that Alexis remembers who he used to be and kisses him. Whatever Valentin's plan is, his second phase is inviting the Falconeris, Anna, and Emma over on Christmas Eve. Lulu's annoyed that Nina's there, and even more annoyed when Nina tells her that fighting for full custody is a bad idea. Lulu points out that Nina kidnapped a baby right after her birth, so maybe she should stay out of other people's family issues. Emma ignores Anna's orders not to snoop at Wyndemere and finds a reason to go upstairs alone. Anna takes advantage of her time alone with Valentin to tell him that the story he told about his Russian teacher actually happened to her. No one by the name of Valentin Cassadine or Theo Hart was ever enrolled at the WSB training academy, so Anna's still confused. Emma triumphantly brings her a new clue: Valentin's picture of her. The Morgans are happy, which is all I need for Christmas.

"I'm not comfortable with lies on top of lies," says the man keeping an "affair" from his wife.

Alexis, no! Go drink some coffee and sober up right away!

Seriously, Nina, stay out of it.

They keep saying Robin and Patrick are coming next week, and yes, Robin is coming, but I imagine some "work emergency" will keep Patrick in California.

Oh, hey, they brought Cam and Aiden out of cold storage. I think Cam even got a line.

Scorecard:
Back in town: Emma Drake
Dead: Tom Baker
Hospitalized: Hayden Barnes

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Hayden: "I died?" Finn: "A little bit"
Funniest moment (unintentional): The kid playing Danny running around while Sam and Jason were talking
Saddest moment: Happy Morganless Christmas, Corinthoses
Sweetest/cutest moments: Sam and Carly being so nice to each other; Hayden and Finn's Christmas cactus
Least believable moment: After all that work to find the diamonds, the feds commuted Naomi's sentence
Best instances of continuity: Carly gave Sam Jason's advice to breathe and count to 10; Obrecht once traumatized the children of Port Charles with Krampus
Worst instance of continuity: Sonny said there were problems with Chinese gangs in Port Charles 10 years ago. More like 25, buddy
Hero of the week: Finn
Most annoying character: Nina
Smartest character: Emma
Dumbest character: Maxie. Did she think Sam would be HAPPY about her snooping?
Unanswered question of the week: Who killed Tom?

The week in a nutshell:

• Franco and Tom switched places in the dog cage, and Franco had a dream about his true nature and his love for Elizabeth and whatnot. Heather wants him to be a bad guy, but Elizabeth still has faith in him. Just as Franco was about to tell Elizabeth about the kidnapping, they learned that Tom was stabbed to death.
• Valentin stayed a step ahead of Lulu, ruining her plans to keep Charlotte from him. He invited the Falconeris over on Christmas Eve, and Lulu was forced to see what a good relationship Charlotte has with Nina.
• Julian moved back in with Alexis and tried to stay on his mystery boss' good side. He poured out his heart to his ex-wife, who could finally recognize the man she used to know.
• Finn cured Hayden, and they're about five seconds from getting together, so Merry Christmas to all of us.
• Sonny tried to make things seem normal with Nelle around, but Carly's getting suspicious.
• Anna continued trying to piece together why she finds Valentin familiar, getting clues from a song Charlotte knows and a story Valentin told her about a school experience that actually happened to Anna. Despite promising not to snoop, Emma demonstrated that she inherited her grandparents' spy skills and found Valentin's old picture of Anna.
• Sam had her baby shower but saved the gender reveal until she and Jason were alone.
• Dillon + Kiki = awkward.

December 26th, 2016

Scott tries to keep Franco from saying anything incriminating to Dante, but Franco doesn't have anything incriminating to say. Privately he tells Elizabeth that he put Tom in a cage but didn't kill him. When Elizabeth sees the murder weapon, an artist's knife (which Tom took with him when he left the studio), she thinks her boyfriend's a liar and a killer. Nelle admits to Michael that seeing him with his two rich families makes her a little jealous. He tells her that he's had struggles like anyone, but he tries to find three things to be happy about every day. Her jewelry box gets knocked over and she rushes to make sure he doesn't see the contents. She explains that some of the memories she keeps inside aren't happy, but she wants to remember where she comes from. After he leaves, Nelle looks at the possible rattle again, which we can now see is engraved with the name Caroline. Alexis accuses Julian of setting up a "premeditated" kiss and taking advantage of her not-completely-sober state. She claims she only kissed him to remind him of what they used to have, driving home the point that they'll never get it back. Carly's suspicions about Sonny and Nelle aren't about anything that could get him in trouble, so whatever. He invites her to spend Christmas with him, then asks if there's any chance that they'll work things out. She tells him she's not sure, but being with him right now feels right. Andre and Jordan make up and decide to spend time together during the holidays, so we'll see how long this lasts.

I'm starting to think that everyone's saying "Tom Baker" over and over to bug me.

Elizabeth, guilty or not, if you're questioning whether your boyfriend murdered someone, that's a sign that you should BREAK UP NOW.

Michael doesn't get why a woman with no family (allegedly) is sad around the holidays? And he wondered why Nelle, who's been clearly established as poor, might not have had great Christmases growing up? Why did he seem to clueless today?

If Nelle were hanging out with and inevitably heading toward a relationship with any other character, I'd suspect that she's Carly's daughter, but that would make Michael her brother, and...no.

Writers, if you want to pretend to be diverse, don't have one of your few black characters explain Kwanzaa to another black character.

December 27th, 2016

Jason and Curtis tell Sam that they've changed their minds about believing Julian set the bomb and now think it was a third party. By killing Julian and framing Sonny, this person could take out two enemies at once and take over the town. While Jason breaks into the pawn shop, Curtis follows Rudge, who goes to Alexis' to make sure Julian knows how important it is that he stick to their plan. If he doesn't, Rudge will turn Alexis in for the hit-and-run. Meanwhile, Sam and Lucas (yay, Lucas!) commiserate over their horrible father, and how he makes Lucas not want to have kids. Lucas sees a photo of the restaurant bag and tells Sam that the characters on it don't mean "good taste" – they mean "reincarnation." The mystery boss keeps an eye on Jason, who notices that the Chinese boat is still in the shop. Curtis hears on his police scanner that a break-in was reported at the shop and alerts Jason, who's able to get out without being seen. He's also snagged the boat, which Sam notices has the "reincarnation" characters on its side. Rudge returns to the shop and tells the mystery boss that they need to take care of their latest problem, Jason. Laura lets Anna know that if Lulu doesn't get Charlotte away from Valentin, she'll kill him. Anna would like time to build a case against him, but she acknowledges that Laura can do what she feels is necessary. Laura then tells Lulu that she should go for shared custody instead of full custody while the WSB works on putting Valentin away. Lulu has no interest in this, thinking Charlotte's in danger with her father. Anna fills Andre in on the latest Valentin happenings, telling him that she can't quite get to a memory about the training center and the whistling. Even though Andre thinks she could be suppressing a traumatic memory, Anna wants to be hypnotized. Valentin discovers that his picture of Anna is missing and throws a fit. Nina throws a fit of her own when he won't tell her what he's so upset about. He only tells her that he once got close to a woman who clearly didn't find their connection as important as he did.

Lucas! It's a late Christmas present! (I knew he was going to be on this week, but I didn't think it would be until Thursday, for the wedding.)

10 cool points to the extra at Kelly's who looked over at Sam, Jason, and Curtis all, "Huh. That guy has a big toy ship in a diner."

If we didn't already know something was wrong with Alexis, she proved it today by not slamming Rudge for calling her "darling." Maybe she was too distracted by Jerry-related déjà vu like I was.

And today we were reminded why you should never get on Laura's bad side.

$5 says we never see the Falconeris' new dog.

Anna saying a "representative" took the picture from Valentin cracked me up. I think it's okay to tell Andre who it was, Anna.

Freaking A, Nina. If you're with a guy you don't trust, that's your own fault. You and Elizabeth should form your own support group.

December 28th, 2016

Maxie has a cold and Nathan has a bad feeling, but they're both determined to get married on New Year's Eve. Cue the wacky hijinks, like Dante temporarily losing the rings and Maxie passing out because she took the wrong medication. Then Nathan gets a call that makes him announce to Dante that he and Maxie can't get married today. Michael wants to spend New Year's Eve with Nelle, even though Sonny and Bobbie both think it's a bad idea. Apparently he's ready to move on from his last girlfriend, whose name he's probably already forgotten. Nelle turns him down, though, since she wants to spend the evening plotting against his mother. Bobbie has a different plan: She found a pill in Sonny's bedroom that she thinks is Nelle's, and she'd like to know why Nelle was there. Nina tells Lulu that she's bringing Valentin to the wedding, which causes Lulu to blow up at her. Nina lets slip that she, Valentin, and Charlotte are forming a family, and Lulu shoots back that Nina doesn't get to use Charlotte as a replacement for the children she can't have. Nina replies that Lulu doesn't deserve Charlotte. Robin (hi, Robin!) and Felicia have to separate the women and get them to call a truce for the rest of the day. Hayden's year is going out on a high note, as she's healthy, Finn has gotten more of the cure for himself, and the two of them are ready to be together. Except it looks like Finn lied about getting the cure, since he's secretly still sick. Kiki has a job opportunity in L.A., and coincidentally, Dillon wants to move back there and get back into directing. They wind up on the same bus, because of course. Carly tells Nelle that she knows the gloves were really for her, but she appreciates Nelle's kindness. Nelle pretends that she was trying to get Carly and Sonny back together. Sonny may be trying to do the same thing, since he keeps wanting to spend time with Carly.

Nathan, no! I told you to shave!

Did I miss something? Why did Bobbie automatically think the pill was Nelle's?

No mention of Dillon missing his co-worker/ex-sister-in-law's wedding?

A Quartermaine on a bus? Nuh-uh.

"I'm so tired of hopping from job to job," says the woman who's had exactly one job in the past three-and-a-half years.

This show has a history of vehicles crashing on New Year's Eve, so I'm a little worried for Dillon and Kiki. Not to mention that Ava said Kiki was acting like they would never see each other again.

December 29th, 2016

Nathan and Claudette are still married, which we all probably should have seen coming. It's kind of a moot point, though, since Maxie's too sick to get married and her dress has a big coffee stain on it. Either way, the wedding's postponed. Valentin and Nina are concerned that his status as a single parent could hurt his custody case. Since they have an empty church and an available priest with nothing else to do, Nina suggests that they get married. So they do, and seriously, whatever happens to Nina now, she deserves it. Carly really wants to get back together with Sonny, but she knows nothing's changed regarding his business, and she's worried about violence touching their lives again. As Robin gives Sonny a pep talk, Sam encourages Carly to live in the moment instead of worrying about things that may or may not happen. By midnight, the couple is together for a kiss. Nelle comes up with a plausible reason for being in Sonny's room and losing a pill, but Bobbie's not about to back down and let someone destroy her daughter's life. Nelle continues being an angel, spending time with Michael and joining the Carly Should Spend the Evening With Sonny Club. Dillon and Kiki admit that they left town because of each other. He assures her that nothing happened between him and Valerie, which calms her down. They toast together at midnight and then kiss, so hopefully that mess is behind them. Jordan wants to bring Curtis on as an outside investigator to help her bring a case against Sonny. Curtis says thanks but no thanks (but without the thanks part). At least Andre's being a grownup and apologizes for the way he's treated Curtis. Then he and Jordan say they love each other, which means two people in this triangle are happy. Lulu tells Dante that Laura advised her to try for shared custody, but she wants to go all in. Dante promises again that he's on her side the whole way. The Morgans are...also there. (I think they keep showing them happy because something bad is going to happen and they want to give us a false sense of security. So...Happy New Year?)

"How does she know they weren't filed?" Because they...weren't signed. Nathan just said that. They couldn't be filed if they weren't signed. Dante, isn't listening part of your job?

Once again, Claudette ruins everything. Well, her and not getting a flu shot. On the plus side, we didn't have to see Obrecht.

Nina, stop marrying men you barely know. (P.S. I think I might miss Ric.)

Between Lulu, Laura, and Bobbie, this was like Scary Spencer Women Week.

Scorecard:
Back in town: Robin Scorpio-Drake
Married: Valentin Cassadine and Nina Reeves

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Mac's super-intense eye contact during his, Nathan, and Dante's toast
Funniest moment (unintentional): Anna calling Emma a "representative"
Saddest moment: I'm sad that Maxie and Nathan don't get to have New Year's Eve as their wedding anniversary
Sweetest/cutest moment: Mac and Nathan's little moment before the non-wedding
Least believable moment: Michael's all, "Oh, three months after my girlfriend's murder is too soon to start dating again? Are you sure?"
Best instance of continuity: Maxie and Nathan met on New Year's Eve three years ago
Worst instance of continuity: The Falconeris got a dog, but Lulu's allergic to them
Hero of the week: Curtis
Most annoying character: Nina
Smartest character: Laura
Dumbest character: Nina, and not just for asking the priest WHO WAS THERE TO PERFORM A WEDDING if he was able to perform weddings

The week in a nutshell:

• With Lulu's threats of taking Charlotte away becoming common knowledge, Nina decided that she and Valentin should get married. I give it six months, or until Laura murders Valentin, whichever comes first. Speaking of Valentin, Anna wants Andre to hypnotize her so she can remember what their connection is.
• Pretty much everything that could go wrong did, and Nathan and Maxie weren't able to get married on New Year's Eve. Also, he's still married to Claudette, because of course.
• While Curtis caught Rudge going to Alexis' house, where he made sure Julian's still following orders, Jason broke into the pawn shop and found the Chinese boat. Lucas apparently speaks some Chinese and told Sam that the characters on the bag from the restaurant (which are also on the boat) mean "reincarnation." Jordan offered Curtis a job as an outside investigator, but he wants to keep working with the Morgans.
• Everyone thought Carly should spend the holidays with Sonny, which she found difficult. She did wind up with him on New Year's Eve, though.
• Nelle has Carly's baby rattle and a still-unknown plot against her. Bobbie's the only person who finds her suspicious, and vows to keep an eye on her. Michael just thinks she's neat.
• Hayden's cured, and Finn says he is, but it doesn't look that way.
• On their way to L.A. for possible new jobs, Dillon and Kiki wound up on the same bus. I think they're over their issues, since they kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve.
• Franco isn't in trouble with the cops (yet), but Elizabeth's suspicious since Tom was killed with an artist's knife.
• Andre made up with both Jordan and Curtis, and exchanged "I love you"s with one of them on New Year's Eve (I'll let you guess which one).