February 7th, 2015

Next week: How about some guest stars from TV shows you've probably never seen? ...No? But why not?

February 9th, 2015

Michael is furious about Sonny's pardon and whines about it for the whole episode. Tracy and Lulu think Helena's using mind control on Luke the same way she did with Lucky. Tracy goes straight to Helena to get more information, and Helena promises her what she wants if Tracy can get her immunity. Elizabeth is upset that Jason lied to her, but when he fills her in on the mind control, she backs off. She thinks they can use Nikolas as leverage to get Helena to admit what she did. Luke and Helena don't know what their next step is. Also, Helena would like to know why Luke dug up Bill's remains, which, fair enough. Morgan and Kiki discuss how messed up their families are, and how tough it will be to raise Avery. Then Sonny shows up to see his daughter, and I'm thinking Morgan and Kiki won't have to worry about being parents for much longer. Sam and Patrick have a conversation about Jason and Helena that doesn't accomplish anything. In light of Helena's arrest, Nikolas has to explain morality to Spencer.

Tune in next week when Sonny starts committing crimes again and the governor gets impeached for freeing him.

"You almost killed people, but you hurt me most of all." Go away, Elizabeth. Take Micahel with you. Like, I get both of your views, and you both have fair points, but...shut up anyway.

Sam doesn't think Jason is attracted to her. Now I'm sad.

I wonder how many times a day Nathan regrets moving to a town populated by so many crazy people.

Should I read anything into the multiple recent mentions of Lucky?

February 10th, 2015

Michael is still furious about Sonny's pardon, and won't listen when Olivia urges him to drop it and move on. He asks Alexis to do something, but since the pardon was official and something the governor was legally allowed to do, her hands are tied. Julian tells Michael to get over it since he and Sonny risked their lives to save their sons. Michael ignores him, vowing revenge. Nathan goes to Sabrina's to talk about Carlos and Johnny, and easily figures out that they're there. He tricks Carlos into revealing himself, and Carlos lies that he forced Sabrina to help him and Johnny. Carlos ends up in police custody, but Johnny flees to Maxie's and asks for help to leave town. She doesn't want to get involved, but she lets him "steal" her car and some money. Nina visits Franco, who seems fine at first but soon proves to be confused about his identity. Specifically, he thinks he's James Franco (and that Nina is Anne Hathaway). Kiki objects to letting Sonny near Avery, but she eventually lets father and daughter meet. If she's that against them spending time together, she's going to be really upset about Sonny taking Avery home with him tomorrow. Ned and Olivia rekindle their friendship when they run into each other at the hospital, where Ned is stalking Alexis and Olivia's seeking treatment for what she thinks is the flu. Alexis offers to represent Julian and try to get his confession thrown out.

Funny that Maxie says Johnny does the wrong things for the right reasons because she did exactly that today.

You "nearly crossed a line" with Ava? I got news for you, Sabrina – you COMPLETELY crossed a line. You're lucky you're not in prison right now.

I was dreading the Franco/Nina scenes today because I thought they would be boring, but...NEW FAVORITE PLOT!

Sonny, I speak baby. Avery wants you to shave.

"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos." Don't ever change, Liv.

P.S. Liv, that's not the flu...

Holy cow, Tony died nine years ago? It's been that long? Wow, that means Spencer is actually the correct age.

February 11th, 2015

Sonny wants Carly around now that they can actually be together. She's annoyed that he pushed her away and tells him she found a new confidant, though he happens to be in jail and, you know, planted the bomb and all. But in the end, she can't resist Sonny's charms, so it looks like they're officially back together once again. Ric agrees to be Jason's lawyer, which gets funnier every time I think about it. He wants Jason to plead guilty, but Elizabeth has gotten Nikolas to promise to try to convince Helena to confess to the mind control, which means Jason has a viable defense. Kiki whines about Sonny and Avery, then tells Morgan she won't give up her sister. Nathan: "Maxie, I think you were robbed!" Maxie: "Oh...wow...that's news." Eventually she confesses to helping Johnny flee town, which isn't going to be good for that relationship. Lulu begs Scott to grant Helena immunity, which goes about as well as you would expect.

Please, please, can Sonny visit Jason in jail?

Ric is Jason's lawyer. RIC IS JASON'S LAWYER. I...I just...

"Don't you dare bad-mouth my mother right now," Kiki says to Morgan after bad-mouthing his father for an hour. I wish they were writing her out instead of recasting.

"Mind control – that's absurd." NO MORE ABSURD THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN, SCOTT.

Scott: "You really are a Spencer, aren't you?" Lulu: "You bet your a%$ I am." And that's why her nickname is Screw You Lulu.

February 12th, 2015

Nikolas secures Helena's immunity by threatening to get Scott removed from office the same way he got Lomax appointed. Helena writes out a confession, but so far only Nikolas has read it. Lulu's convinced that since Helena's controlling Jason, she must be controlling Luke, too. Luke just laughs at her and tells her there's nothing wrong with him. He also makes the point that Julian has known him for years, which means Helena would have to have been controlling him for that long. Sonny wants to have a new start with Carly, which means forming a family with her and Avery. Carly's all for it. Kiki asks Alexis if she can keep Avery from Sonny, considering fighting him for custody. Jason pleads not guilty, then requests new legal representation, since his current lawyer doesn't actually want to keep him out of prison. Elizabeth is confused to hear him accuse Ric of giving him bad legal advice. Ric claims that he told Jason to plead guilty because he doesn't have a defense that'll stand up in court. He also admits that he convinced Jason to move out because he was a threat to his and Elizabeth's relationship. Elizabeth's like, "Hmmm, maybe my scummy kidnapper boyfriend is still scummy?" Nathan reluctantly agrees to keep quiet about how Maxie helped Johnny, since it could hurt her custody of Georgie.

But...but...what did Helena write???

I liked Carly saying that she'll love Avery the way Sonny loved Michael before adopting him. I mean, talk about mature.

Someone had a good idea for a solution to the Avery situation: have Sonny hire Kiki to be her nanny. But this is a soap, so instead, I'm sure Kiki will kidnap Avery, or MIchael will do something stupid, or possibly both.

Congratulations, Elizabeth – you are this week's naïve little bunny.

February 13th, 2015

Olivia gets a visit from an old Bensonhurst friend, Melissa, who urges her to tell Ned how she feels. Melissa later winds up at the Quartermaines', where Ned has hired her son to cater Valentine's Day for himself and Alexis. That ended badly when Ned objected to Alexis offering to Julian's lawyer. Melissa gives Ned relationship advice as well, and Ned goes to the hotel to see the person he should really be with. He manages to arrive just as she's learning that her flu is actually the flu plus a baby. Spinelli and Georgie come to town without Ellie, and the parents admit their relationship problems to each other. Maxie's worried about how her actions with Johnny will affect Nathan, and Spinelli and Ellie have ended things because she thinks he's still in love with Maxie. Lucas tells Sam and Julian how Brad declared his love and asked him to move in. Julian urges his son to be brave, though Lucas doesn't think he can measure up to Brad's grand gestures, like his performance at the Nurses' Ball. In the grand tradition of Patrick and the PA system, Lucas hops up on a hospital counter to announce to everyone that he loves Brad and wants to live with him. Sam and Patrick's Valentine's plans are delayed when he's stuck at work, so she spends some time talking relationships with one of his co-workers. Alexis drops Ned for Julian. Brad tries to confide his relationship issues to Felix, because I guess no one else will talk to him? Nathan lies to an ADA about Maxie.

I'm not sure why they bothered to write in Lisa LoCicero's pregnancy when she's due in three months, but okay. Dante's going to have two siblings younger than his own son.

Using Kirsten Storms' real daughter as Georgie is brilliant. It makes Maxie look ten times more maternal. Plus, this kid doesn't just sit there and act like she'd rather be anywhere else.

People who may stay: Spinelli (always), Derek (doesn't have to do anything; can just stand around looking hot), Melissa (this show needs more Bensonhurst), and the hospital employee who told Olivia she was pregnant, because I cracked up when she declared her love for the other Brad(ley) Cooper.

FELIX! Felix is still on this show! Happy Valentine's Day to me!

I thought Derek's girlfriend was going to turn out to be Natalia.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Carlos Rivera
Back in town: Damian Spinelli, Georgie Spinelli
Broke up: Damian Spinelli and Ellie Trout
Left town: Johnny Zacchara
Pregnant: Olivia Falconeri

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Tracy's little "that was a bad move" finger waggle when Nathan said he didn't want to "let" Lulu see Luke; Johnny to Maxie: "Most of your boyfriends are cops"
Funniest moment (unintentional): The governor calling Sonny "a respected businessman"
Saddest moment: I would feel bad for Kiki losing Ava if I cared at all about Kiki
Sweetest/cutest moment: Avery Bavery, as usual
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instance of continuity: Michael was correct about the date of Tony's death
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Michael
Smartest character: N/A
Dumbest character: Elizabeth, for thinking that Helena would easily make a full confession, and that Ric would be on Jason's side about anything, and that Ric had become a completely trustworthy person, etc., etc.
Inside jokes: Franco thinks he's James Franco; "zedus lapedus" is something Kirsten Storms' character said in a series of TV movies she did in the '90s

The week in a nutshell:

• Sonny's first act as a free man was to claim Avery, making Kiki think about taking him to court for custody. Sonny also reconnected with Carly, who wanted to make a weird little family with him and Avery. Meanwhile, Michael vowed to get revenge.
• Helena promised to confess to her crimes if she received immunity, so Nikolas arranged it.
• Johnny fled Sabrina's apartment before Nathan could arrest him, though Carlos wasn't as lucky. Maxie didn't want to help him, but she let him "steal" her car and some money so he could leave town. She came clean to Nathan, who was forced to lie for her.
• Ned was upset to see Alexis hanging out with Julian, and that plus her decision to represent Julian again led to a fight on Valentine's Day. They went their separate ways, Alexis to see Julian, and Ned to see Olivia, who had just learned for the second time why you should always use a condom.
• Franco's LSD OD left him thinking he's James Franco.
• Ric agreed to defend Jason in court, but Jason disagreed with his legal tactics (like encouraging him to plead guilty because he couldn't be bothered to work up a defense). Elizabeth wasn't too happy to learn that Ric sees Jason as a threat.
• Luke made Lulu doubt whether he's curable.
• Spinelli brought Georgie for a visit and revealed that he and Ellie broke up because he may still have feelings for Maxie.
• Lucas agreed to move in with Brad.

February 16th, 2015

Michael and Sabrina talk revenge, which of course she cautions him against, since it didn't go so well when she tried to get some. Michael tells her that he's targeting Sonny's legitimate holdings to destroy him financially – if ELQ takes down the coffee business, Sonny won't have a way to launder his money. Sonny and Carly have a great Valentine's Day up until they learn that Michael has another plan up his sleeve: He's going to sue for custody of Avery. Olivia is barely able to keep it together while Ned tells her that Alexis seems to have opted for Julian. He adds that Melissa thinks the two of them should be together, and that he agrees. Olivia lets him know how horrible his timing is by announcing that she's pregnant with Julian's baby. Kiki visits Franco, who's disappointingly sort of lucid, and asks for advice on Avery. He doesn't think she should separate a father and daughter. Kiki ultimately decides not to pursue custody, then waltzes off to do whatever for a little while before she gets replaced. Spinelli tells Maxie that part of the reason for his visit is to see if the two of them have a future together. Alexis and Julian are definitely back together, and seriously considering having sex in a hospital bed while a police officer stands watch outside. Nathan tells Dante what really happened with Maxie and Johnny, and Dante asks if he'll be able to get past it.

Here's some irony: Michael's setting out to do exactly what Luke, Helena, and Julian have been trying to do to Sonny for a year.

Though...didn't Michael say he wasn't going to go after Sonny's family? How does suing for custody of Avery not fall into that category?

By the way, if I were the judge in the custody case, I'd throw the whole thing out and give Avery to Dante and Lulu. I mean, look at the choices here: a) a single guy with no experience taking care of children, b) a single woman with no money or job and no experience taking care of children, or c) a single man with money, a job, and experience taking care of children, but who just got out of prison and who is known for having a dangerous lifestyle. Yeah, I'm going with d) the married couple who both have jobs and already have a child.

I'm pretty sure this was Kirsten Alderson's last episode, so I was surprised that they didn't have a final Kiki/Michael scene. But it made more sense that her last day would be with Roger Howarth, since she spent so much of her soap career with him. And it felt like, instead of James Franco, today Franco thought he was Todd.

In a strange turn of events, today Spinelli was dressed better than Maxie.

February 17th, 2015

Luke tells Tracy that he wants the kind of power Sonny has. He could have gotten it back in the '90s, when he killed Frank Smith, but he stepped aside to have a family, and lost his chance to make people fear him. Also, he tried to kill Tracy because she's annoying, and he tried to kill the other people on the boat because he didn't want Tracy to take it personally. Tracy realizes that there's much more to this situation than just mind control. Patrick determines that there's something in Jason's brain, which could explain how Helena has control over him. Unfortunately for the Spencers, Luke doesn't have one. And unfortunately for Jason, Patrick's hesitant to remove the object because the operation could kill him. Nikolas asks Helena about "Jake," determining that she targeted him before his memory loss, and that he had his accident while trying to escape her. She's about to tell him who her soldier boy is when Lulu arrives to demand answers about Luke. Carly perfectly psychoanalyzes Michael: He's mad at himself for still loving Sonny, because it makes him feel like he's betraying A.J., so he's lashing out by going after Avery. Morgan firmly establishes himself as Team Sonny in the custody battle. Emma accidentally gives Spencer a birthday present by spilling to Cameron that Spencer and Josslyn have been trying to make them jealous. Cam seems flattered by Josslyn's crush, and Spencer's thrilled that that might go somewhere and leave Emma single.

Last week I was workingo on this whole GH/Avengers parallel with Jason, where Jason is Clint, Sam and Elizabeth are Natasha, and Helena is Loki. But now it works better if Luke is Loki, because he basically said that he wants to be a supervillain.

Why does there have to be a chip? How dumb. And how weird is your life when the words "there's a chip in your head" are GOOD news?

EVERY TIME JASON NEEDS BRAIN SURGERY, IT'S DANGEROUS AND COULD KILL HIM. There, now we can skip ever having to use that device again.

Oh, great, now Jason and Elizabeth are probably going to get together. THANKS A LOT, RIC.

Michael's battle for Avery would be a lot less laughable if he'd spent more than literally 30 seconds with her. And Morgan made a good point: Now that Michael has renounced all things Corinthos, he's not even related to Avery. Why would a judge give him custody?

There's going to be waltzing at Spencer's party? It's...it's not a Bacchanalia, is it?

February 18th, 2015

Helena tells Lulu, Tracy, and Nikolas that she and Luke only met up in Amsterdam, and he was the one who suggested an alliance. When they reunited later, he didn't remember their arrangement. She also overheard him talking to himself in the Spencers' basement. She thinks something happened to him in childhood that made him become two different people. Bobbie gets a taste of that when she visits Luke to yell at him for targeting her loved ones, reminding him that they've always been there for each other. He slowly becomes Good Luke and is super-confused about why he's in jail and his sister's mad at him. Lulu, Tracy, and Bobbie regroup, share information, and determine that there are multiple personalities at play. Back at the police station, Bad Luke tells Good Luke the same thing, adding that they're both responsible for everything that's happened. Forced to choose between remaining vulnerable to Helena's control and possibly not surviving surgery, Jason opts for freedom. When Sam comes to talk to him before he's taken to the OR, he remembers the ring container and comments that there was only one ring inside (Sam's). Meanwhile, Helena gives Nikolas a box containing another ring and tells him it's the key to "Jake"'s identity. Nikolas sees that it's inscribed with Alan's name, and Helena reminds him that it became someone else's the day Sam and Jason got married. As the anesthesia is administered, Jason remembers Helena telling him who he is. Olivia tells Ned that she's not pregnant, though she's obviously lying and there's really no reason for it. She's determined to keep the news from Julian and is willing to go back to Brooklyn to avoid him ever finding out. Ned convinces her to stay in town and worry about a cover story later. Julian's annoyed that Alexis hasn't broken up with Ned yet, but her excuse is that she was busy working out a deal with Scott that lets Julian walk.

God bless you, Nikolas, for staying on topic and finally giving me what I've been wanting for months: another person aware of who "Jake" is. But I'm not sure how this can all come out without Helena revealing that she has Robin.

Again with the caviar omelets! IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF EGGS!

If Ned thinks Olivia would ever have an abortion, he has her confused with someone else. Also, $5 says he does what he did when Alexis was pregnant with Kristina and lets Olivia say he's the father.

If Olivia does tell Julian that she's having his baby, she should steal Alexis' "congratulations, jacka%$."

Thanks to the Cassadines, Scott's having a really bad week. Keep it up, Cassadines!

February 19th, 2015

Once Nikolas figures out that Jake is Jason, his first instinct is to tell Sam. Of course, Helena threatens to turn him in for rigging the election if he says anything. She continues that the League of Psychopaths has collected Skye and Lila Rae's ELQ shares, which gives them 32 percent. If Nikolas keeps quiet and gets Brook, Maya, and Dillon's shares, he'll have 50 percent. If he reveals Jason's identity, Jason will back Michael, and the other Quartermaines will follow suit. Nikolas balks at keeping such a big secret from so many people, and Elizabeth arrives in time to hear him saying he'll have to lie to her. Michael boasts to Sabrina that Diane was unable to get the custody suit dismissed. Sabrina still disagrees with his methods, but Michael points out that he's not the first person to use a child to get revenge. Not that he's doing this for revenge, of course. It's all about Avery's safety. Hurting Sonny is just a nice bonus. Alexis breaks up with Ned, who's so mad about her relationship with Julian that he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Julian learns that Olivia has an appointment with an OB and guesses that she's pregnant. He and Ned get into a stupid fight, because I guess Julian offended Olivia's honor or something, and Olivia ends it by admitting that she's pregnant. To keep her from having to admit whose baby it is, Ned announces that he's the father. Sonny asks Duke to keep running the organization until the custody mess is settled. Elizabeth hears Jason mumble that he knows who he is, but he's unconscious before she can pursue it. No one in the entire world is surprised when Jason suffers complications during surgery. Carly apologizes to Sam for their disagreements over Jason, then confides in her how much the Sonny/Michael battle hurts her. Anna returns with the news that not only have the charges against her been dropped, but she took Sloane's old job at the DOJ. Her first assignment is to investigate him for election fraud.

Didn't I say the League of Psychopaths should use Luke to get Skye and Lila Rae's shares? Someone listened to me!

I hope Nikolas is working on an explanation for why he kept Jake's identity a secret for freaking business purposes.

I know Helena's horrible, but we had the same reaction to Nikolas mentioning Emily, and you know what they say about the enemy of your enemy...

No one hates to admit this more than I do, Sabrina, but Michael has a point – you have no place to talk about getting revenge via children.

Whoop, someone owes me five bucks! I'll take it from Ned; he's good for it.

Am I the only nerd making Lord of the Rings jokes about Jason's "one ring" comment?

I'm going to predict that Anna and Sloane are in bed together within the next four weeks.

February 20th, 2015

Elizabeth tells Nikolas and Helena that the device was removed and Jason said he remembered who he is. Helena silently freaks out while Nikolas volunteers to pay Jason's medical bills. He then joyfully tells her that since Jason's about to recover his identity, the ELQ takeover is a moot point and their partnership is unnecessary. Plus, he's secured the family's funds and is back in control. While Nikolas banishes his grandmother to Cassadine Island and sits back to wait for the secret of Jason's identity to come out without him having to say anything, Sam and Carly wonder what Jason will tell them. Tracy visits Good Luke, assuring him that she believes he hasn't meant to harm anyone. She asks for details on what happened in his childhood to make him like this, but he quickly retreats and becomes Bad Luke. Tracy triumphantly announces that she's going to track down Patricia and learn what happened from her. Alexis is skeptical of Ned and Olivia's claims, especially since Ned pulled this exact stunt for her. Ned and Olivia scramble to work up a timeline in which they had sex without anyone knowing. Alexis is mad that Ned cheated, though it's not clear if she actually believes that. Maxie talks to Lulu about her Nathan/Spinelli situation while Spinelli tries to make Nathan see that he's more compatible with Maxie than Nathan is.

Yeah, Nikolas. Throw money at the situation. That'll make it all better. Though I guess I should be grateful that now Obrecht will have to shut up.

These people are placing a lot of faith in the very small chance that Jason will remember something from when he was barely conscious.

When Olivia called her night with Julian a "mutual bad decision," I wish Julian had said, "I kind of liked it."

Is it bad that I laugh whenever Julian calls Ned "Ted"?

Can Spinelli have a scene with someone other than Maxie or Nathan? Tracy, maybe hire him to find Patricia?

Scorecard:
Birthday: Spencer Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Alexis to Julian: "Congratulations, jacka%$, and you're welcome"; Helena, while Nikolas was thinking: "I'll wait"
Funniest moments (unintentional): Jason amusing himself by annoying Luke; Ned and Julian's middle-aged upper-class white-guy "you wanna fight?" posturing
Saddest moment: I guess Carly being sad about Michael being a jerk
Sweetest/cutest moment: Ned telling Olivia, "You're stuck with me. Get used to it"
Least believable moment: The whole custody storyline seems pretty ridiculous
Best instances of continuity: Spencer's birthday is correct; Jason's wedding ring was originally Alan's
Worst instance of continuity: Michael claims that he would have been safer with A.J. than with Sonny because Sonny's kids tend to get kidnapped, but he seems to have forgotten that he was kidnapped BY A.J.
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Michael
Smartest character: Tracy, for realizing that Patricia might be the key here
Dumbest character: Nikolas, because there's no way he's going to be able to spin keeping this secret

The week in a nutshell:

• Patrick discovered that there was a device in Jason's brain that Helena was probably using to control him. Just before he underwent surgery to remove it, Jason remembered Helena telling him who he is. Meanwhile, Helena gave Jason's wedding ring to Nikolas and told him who Jake really is. Nikolas went along with her plan to keep it quiet in hopes of getting more ELQ shares and taking over the company. Then he took back control of the Cassadines' funds and booted Helena to Cassadine Island.
• Tracy, Lulu, and Bobbie determined that Luke has more than one personality. Tracy decided to find Patricia to ask her what happened to create two Lukes.
• Kiki had a conversation with Franco and decided not to fight Sonny for custody of Avery. Michael, however, saw it as the perfect opportunity to pretend he cares about the sister he's met once and can use against his estranged father.
• Olivia told Ned that she was pregnant but didn't want Julian to find out. Ned made an 11th-hour decision to claim he's the baby's father. Julian fell for it, but Alexis had (and might still have) doubts.
• Spinelli wants Maxie back.
• Emma revealed Spencer and Josslyn's fake relationship to Cameron.
• Anna took Sloane's former job and was tasked with finding out if he rigged the mayoral election.
• Alexis and Julian officially got back together.

February 23rd, 2015

Cameron is still annoyed with Emma and finally dumps her for Josslyn. He also manages to accidentally start a fire at Wyndemere while he's leaving. Of course Jason doesn't remember what he remembered, so Carly's sadness that he might leave town is unfounded. He assures her that he's not mad that she had him arrested. After everyone else leaves, Sam wants to stick around the hospital. Nathan's upset to learn that Maxie knew about Ellie and Spinelli's breakup and didn't tell him that Spinelli wants her back. Maxie swears that she wants to be with Nathan, but he's not sure she's sure. Sonny is totally jealous of Jason and tells Shawn to keep an eye on him. He's not pleased that Carly's spent the past few hours with him. Jordan thinks Nikolas might have helped rig the election, but Anna thinks he's innocent. Nikolas tells Sloane to make Scott drop the charges against Jason, as if that will ease his guilt over the situation. Carly catches Jason and Elizabeth holding hands and hates it as much as I do. We get our monthly reminder that Sonny and Spencer are close.

Was Nikolas the only chaperone at the party? He's a brave man. And that's probably the only nice thing I'll say about him for a while.

Cam is such a jerk. Then again, look who raised him. Why did he even go to the party if he hates Spencer so much?

Spencer mentioning that Helena wasn't at his party made me think about how hilarious it would be if she'd come.

"Feds. Open up." Anna's having so much fun, and she completely deserves it.

Hmmm, Jordan seems to have forgotten that Shawn accused her of being an undercover cop. Seems like something Anna should be aware of.

Nathan, you are too good for this world. You deserve better than this drama. Can we get a Nathan/Jordan pairing? Think how unstoppable they would be.

Spencer's robe might be the first article of clothing Sonny's bought someone that wasn't a dress.

September 24th, 2015

Spencer and Emma finally notice the fire in the room and get the heck out. Then Spencer realizes that his boxing robe, his gift from Sonny, is still there, and heads back in to get it. Falling beams separate the two of them and trap Spencer in the room. Nikolas is able to get him out, but it doesn't look good. Sam asks Jason about the ring comment, but of course he's forgotten what it meant. She tells him she wants to help him figure out who he is so any family he has can know what happened to him, unlike her uncertainty after Jason's disappearance. Patrick tells Nikolas that Jason didn't remember his identity after all, and that there's no way of knowing if he ever will. Olivia points out to Ned that his lie puts him in a sticky situation. He's totally fine pretending the baby is his for as long as she needs. Alexis is still skeptical about Olivia's paternity claims, which Julian completely buys. He admits to being a little sorry that he's not going to be a father again, which would give him the chance to be in his child's life from the start, but he knows things are best the way they are. Ric bugs Elizabeth about Jake and their relationship and whether they have a future. For some reason, Elizabeth doesn't kick him out and take her key back.

You're telling me that with all the hallways and passageways in Wyndemere, there's only one way in and out of that room?

Hey, Nikolas, the fact that you know from experience what Jason's going through should make you want to do the right thing, y'know? Sam is really going to regret all the nice things she said about you today.

Brooklyn Silzer was so good today! Keep it up, girl.

Ric, sweetie, don't blame Jason for your issues with Elizabeth. Blame the fact that you're a horrible, horrible person.

February 25th, 2015

Alexis helps Nikolas try to hold it together while Lucas and Patrick tend to Spencer, who's in bad shape. Luke threatens Dante, Lulu, and Rocco, which leads to Dante almost engaging in some police brutality. He also threatens Nathan, which is weird. Luke has hired Diane, and she gets him a bail hearing for the next morning. After a little alone time with him, she realizes that he's seriously messed up and she probably shouldn't spend any more alone time with him. Bobbie hasn't been able to track down Patricia, so she and Tracy think they're at a dead end. Tracy wants to know why Patricia didn't go to Florida with Bobbie and Luke, but Bobbie claims she doesn't know. Lulu suggests that they hire a PI, and literally seconds later, Spinelli shows up. That's because Maxie kicked him out of her apartment, claiming it's because she doesn't want Nathan to get the wrong impression. Spinelli thinks it's because she won't be able to restrain herself, or something like that. Duke is angry that Julian is free and tells Anna that he’ll have to take care of things himself. She tells him she's a federal agent now, so he shouldn't make threats in front of her. Duke then offers Julian peace if he'll hand over his territories. Julian refuses, so we're back to a Duke/Julian face-off.

I don't get the point of putting Spencer's life in danger, other than it being a chance for Tyler Christopher to show his range.

If you heard someone screaming, "Diane! Yay!" this evening, yeah, that was me. I will not apologize.

Uh, exactly what territories does Julian have? Are we supposed to think that the Corinthos and Jerome organizations are fairly matched? Because Julian's co-conspirators are all in jail or on the lam, and it's been established that Sonny basically runs the town.

Have Alexis and Molly even pretended to look for a house? Get out so Spinelli can stay in the regrettably pink room!

February 26th, 2015

Michael is way too anxious about the custody trial, and I wish Alexis would tell him that her grandnephew's health is more important than the sister he's never even spent time with. Morgan tells Kiki about the case but is sure that Sonny will win. Michael vows to prove him wrong, and to keep Avery from the two of them as well. This gets him punched in the face. Sonny finds out about Spencer's condition just before going to court, and Carly has to convince him to hold off on visiting his nephew. The news gets worse when Ric shows up and announces that he's filling in for Diane. For some reason, Sonny thinks he can trust him, even after Carly tells him that he tried to screw over Jason. At the courthouse, Carly gives Michael a great sales pitch, asking him to let Avery's whole family love her so she can benefit from the kind of multi-family childhood he did. Obrecht arranges for Spencer to be transferred to Shriners Hospital in Boston, a move that comes complete with a PSA. Nina promises Franco, who thinks her name is Phyllis, that she won't leave him. Five minutes later, Nathan and Alexis tell her that the charges against her have been dropped, but she can't visit Franco after she's released because the judge won't think she's remorseful about kidnapping Avery with him. Nina's left to try to scheme on her own, but it's not clear if she's completely sane or not when she sees Avery and calls her "my baby." Silas has a "colleague" he needs to help "out of town," but it's actually Ava, who's in a hospital somewhere and totally not dead.

SHUT UP, MICHAEL, YOU COMPLETE HYPOCRITE. "I know what it's like to lose a parent." So you're going to take Avery from hers? Just...stop talking, okay? And back off of Alexis. Her family is in worse straits than yours right now.

I'm starting to forget a time when I didn't like Silas. I almost applauded when he told Michael and Morgan to stop acting like children. But I would like him even more if he would, you know, tell Kiki that her mother's alive.

Speaking of: Why send Nikolas and Spencer to Boston? Is this whole plot just an excuse Nikolas can use later for not telling anyone about Jason?

I may despise her, but Elizabeth is a good person to have around when you need comfort.

Nina, don't ask Franco what you should do. He'll tell you to inject yourself with LSD.

February 27th, 2015

Michael tells the judge all the bad things Sonny's done and everything bad that's happened to him and his siblings because of the mob. Ric is very eager for his cross-examination. While Kiki, Morgan, and Julian discuss a memorial service for Ava, Silas catches her up on all the developments back in Port Charles, like the custody case. She's determined to go get her daughter, but Silas points out that she'll just be sent right back to prison. Olivia feels some bizarre kinship with Franco because they've both been injected with LSD, so she visits him in Shadybrook. Franco calls her Mama Celeste and babbles about art while she tells him about her visions and how they gave her the ability to see people's true natures. She also informs him that she's pregnant with Julian's baby. Nina rides the crazy train all the way back to Shadybrook, where she gleefully tells Franco that she faked it to come back to him. He just as gleefully tells her that he's been faking, too. Jason has a dream about sitting by an unconscious Elizabeth's bedside. They discuss Ric, and Jason promises that he doesn't need to worry about any competition from him. Elizabeth's like, "I kind of want to hook up with you again." Nikolas continues the endless ad for Shriners.

Hey, Ric, ask Michael who hired Faith to kidnap him, Morgan, and Kristina, beacuse he really seems to have forgotten.

Was that Emily Kuroda playing the judge? I hope she channels Mrs. Kim.

What's the point of having Franco know the real paternity of Olivia's baby? Well, really, what was the point of any of their scenes? Is Franco going to start faking visions? That would be fun. And while we're on the topic of Olivia being able to see who people really are: Liv, please go visit "Jake." Thanks!

Poor Nathan. His girlfriend's ex is in town, his fake sister is fake crazy, his boss is a jerk, he has to live in a tiny room above a diner... I wonder if he considers this all better or worse than having to deal with Levi.

Scorecard:
Hospitalized: Spencer Cassadine
Not dead after all, like everyone else on this show: Ava Jerome

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Olivia: "Did you see the look on her face?" Ned: "That's how her face always looks"; Franco trying to clap while in restraints
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ric having to say nice things about Sonny in court
Saddest moment: Everything Nikolas
Sweetest/cutest moment: Nikolas and Emma hugging
Least believable moments: Olivia visiting Franco; Ric: "I want to help you keep custody of your daughter." Sonny: "And I'm going to let you"
Best instance of continuity: Nikolas had amnesia
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Heroes of the week: Spencer, Nikolas, Patrick
Most annoying character: Michael
Smartest character: Carly, for her attempted guilt trip on Michael
Dumbest character: Sonny. NEVER TRUST RIC
Inside joke: Phyllis was Michelle Stafford's character on The Young and the Restless

The week in a nutshell:

• Cameron accidentally started a fire at Wyndemere that left Spencer with serious injuries. Nikolas took him to Shriners Hospital in Boston, and we will never stop hearing about it.
• Michael was a jerk to pretty much everyone, then trashed Sonny in court. In the dumbest contrivance this month, Ric wound up representing Sonny.
• In the second dumbest contrivance of the month, Olivia visited Franco and told him that Julian is the baby's father.
• Nina was released from Shadybrook but immediately got herself readmitted by pretending she thought Avery was hers. Franco told her he's faking his craziness.
• Ava was revealed to be in a hospital in New York, with only Silas aware that she's alive.
• Nathan questioned who Maxie really wants to be with.
• Jason remained Jake Doe.
• Lulu suggested that she, Tracy, and Bobbie hire a PI (Spinelli, of course) to find Patricia.
• Duke offered Julian a truce, which Julian politely declined.
• Diane got Luke a bail hearing, then ran away from him before his skeeziness could infect her.
• There was a new Kiki and she looked like a cross between Elizabeth Olsen and Chloe Grace Moretz.