January 11th, 2016

Maxie's first instinct is to call Nathan and turn Johnny in so they don't have another disaster like the last time she helped Johnny out. Lulu begs her not to but won't tell Maxie what she has Johnny doing. Maxie thinks they hooked up on New Year's Eve, but she's less annoyed with the idea that Lulu had sex with a fugitive than she is with the idea that Lulu kept the information from her. Maxie reminds her that as a parent, she needs to act like an adult now. Plus, if Dante ever finds out what she's up to, their marriage will definitely be over. Lulu agrees, but she still wants Johnny to carry out his plan. Jake's fine, but Jason and Elizabeth think someone broke into the house, so they call the police. With no leads and no indication that the family's actually in danger, the police aren't very helpful, so Jason decides to move everyone into the hotel for the time being. Hayden wants to marry Nikolas and have him sign over all his ELQ assets to her so no one can touch them. Nikolas admits that he's not sure he can trust her not to stab him in the back. But he's willing to sacrifice a potential company-saving arrangement in order to protect their budding relationship. Kristina bugs Sam some more about whether or not she and Jason are making any progress. Alexis brings up Jason's trial, warning Sam that the deck is stacked against him. Sam decides to do some investigating on her own, so she teams up with Carly to find out if any hotel guests might have seen the fight and just haven't come forward. Carly finds one, but it sounds like it's not someone Sam will enjoy questioning. Sonny doesn't like his new doctor, and this is apparently a big enough deal for us to have to watch multiple scenes about it. At least Lucas is there. Kristina's on academic probation but still hiding it from everyone.

If you'd told me just a few years ago that Maxie would turn out to be a voice of reason, I would have laughed until my stomach hurt.

You know that thing about how real-life couples don't have chemistry on-screen? That rule doesn't apply to Kirsten Storms and Brandon Barash.

All these mentions of Nathan remind me: Where's Nathan?

There's no proof that anyone was in the house, and even if there was, why tell Jake? He's already worked up enough as it is.

PLEASE let the possible witness be Ric.

Why would Alexis defend the guy accused of trying to kill her nephew?

This Sonny plot is so dumb. Just go to another hospital if you don't like your doctor! New York is just a train ride away! You're super-rich – fly in an expert!

Isn't Kristina, like, a senior? She's never mentioned her major to Alexis before now?

Yay, confirmation that Max and Diane are back together!

January 12th, 2016

Anna notices tension between Michael and Sabrina, then learns that Carlos is the baby's father. When she brings up Carlos' "death," Sabrina reacts with what Anna thinks is guilt because she knows he's alive. Anna goes straight to Jordan and suggests that they get 24-hour surveillance to find out for sure. This, however, would mean involving Paul. Sonny has a dream that makes him think he's ready to go back to work. Morgan thinks he should be allowed to help out instead. He admits to Andre that he feels out of place in his family because he hasn't accomplished anything like his siblings have. He wants to take care of people rather than be taken care of. Andre encourages him to work on becoming stable before he worries about being reliable. Morgan thinks his friendship with Kiki is helping, but doesn't realize that he clearly has more invested in this friendship than she does. Ava and Kiki set some boundaries and make some rules about their relationship (first and foremost: no talking about Morgan). Kiki spots Ava with Paul and accepting money from him for another shipment. Ava wants a key to Paul's room, but Paul doesn't want to take any more risks in their secret relationship (or whatever it is they have going on). It turns out that the possibility of them being seen together isn't the biggest threat to their arrangement: One of Paul's associates tells Ava that he saw Morgan on the docks on New Year's Eve and knows he's interested in their business. Sonny advises Michael to think with his heart rather than his head where Sabrina and the baby are concerned. Andre gives Jordan a jaguar figurine because on this show, when you have feelings for someone, that's what you do.

Doesn't Anna worry that she looks suspicious for digging into the personal life of her daughter's husband's almost-wife? (That was a weird sentence. It felt weird to type that.)

"No! He would never force me!" Oh, sorry to suggest that the cold-blooded killer might also be a rapist. I hope you're not offended.

Maybe Morgan would feel better about his supposed lack of accomplishments if he knew that Michael isn't starting a family after all and that Kristina's in a downward spiral. Actually, of the Corinthos siblings, Avery might be making the most progress right now.

This whole Morgan/Kiki thing makes me cringe. It's like a really slow car crash.

Nice try, writers, but that jaguar doesn't make up for the loss of the dragon and the phoenix.

January 13th, 2016

Anna keeps Paul in the dark about her plans, telling Jordan that she thinks he's the PCPD's mole. She's determined to bug Sabrina's phone in case Sabrina calls Carlos to warn that someone's on to him. She's just a few minutes late, as Sabrina has already done that. Carlos tells her that he's heading out of town, and if she doesn't come with him, he'll just turn himself in because he has no reason to live. Sabrina goes to meet him and catches him talking with Paul, who's giving Carlos one last payment to get rid of him. Carlos tells Sabrina that he made a deal with Paul – freedom in exchange for turning state's evidence against Julian – but he's not going to stick to it. As Anna and Jordan go to Sabrina's apartment to question her directly, she agrees to leave town with Carlos. A conversation with Dante makes Michael realize that he doesn't want to lose his relationship with Sabrina. He learns from a ticked-off Felix that Sabrina's gone but doesn't get the finality of the situation until he reads a goodbye letter she left him. Nathan returns from an out-of-town investigation, and Maxie struggles with whether or not to tell him about Johnny's return. She makes up her mind when he reveals that his case involved tailing Johnny. Speaking of Johnny, he continues to go out in public without a disguise, because fugitives in this town aren't that bright. He "runs into" Valerie again, faking car trouble, and she offers him a ride. Nina's unconventional marketing plan – buying up all the copies of Crimson and handing them out – is a success. Olivia tears into Valerie for ruining Dante and Lulu's marriage, so Valerie shoots back that she's a lying hypocrite herself. When Nina shows her the first issue of the revitalized Crimson, Olivia tries to work on that judgmental part. I'm really sick of Dante whining about his marriage.

Yes, Sabrina, the man who uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants is exactly the guy you should raise your child with.

Those docks need better lighting. It always looks like it's nighttime there.

Yay, Nathan's back! We need more Nathan!

Remember when Olivia was likable? Sigh.

January 14th, 2016

Johnny gets Valerie to drive him out to the middle of nowhere while they talk about wanting to be with people they can't be with. Valerie confides that she hopes Dante and Lulu work things out. The police put out a be-on-the-lookout for Johnny, possibly piquing Valerie's suspicion. Lulu texts Johnny to call off the plan and get out of town, but instead, he shows Valerie his true colors. Maxie tells Nathan and Dante that Johnny came to her apartment to ask for help but she turned him away. She claims that she doesn't think he contacted Lulu or that Lulu knew he'd dropped by. She warns Lulu that the police know that Johnny's in town and encourages her to tell Dante the truth. Instead, Lulu denies that she's had any contact with Johnny, promising that she would tell Dante if she had. Michael tells Anna and Jordan that he doesn't know where Sabrina is, and neither do her father or Juan. Felix returns home and says that Sabrina told him she was going to Puerto Rico. Michael starts to worry that Sabrina's off on her own and will be alone when she goes into labor. Mac urges Robert to stay in town, though Robert doesn't think he has much of a reason to stick around. Mac tells him all about his and Anna's investigation into Paul, and when Anna asks Robert for his help, he easily agrees. Olivia tells Lulu that she should stop blaming Valerie for everything and think about how her marriage was already damaged when Dante cheated. Julian worries that if Crimson becomes successful again, his taxes will be scrutinized and the feds will use them as an excuse to come after him, a la Al Capone. Olivia wants to throw Alexis and Julian an engagement party, but Alexis is still resistant to welcoming her into their lives.

Oh, boy. Johnny's snapped. Is this story going to end with him at Shadybrook?

Dear everyone, Sabrina is an adult, and a smart one at that. I think she knows better than to seclude herself somewhere when she's eight months pregnant.

I'm glad Robert's still around. He barely got to do anything, other than helping rescue Robin. But why all the why-don't-you-stay-in-town guilt when the show knows Tristan Rogers can't stay?

I like that Olivia became much more likable the day after I complained that she wasn't.

January 15th, 2016

Johnny takes Valerie to a ranger cabin in the woods, then calls Lulu to ask for money so he can leave town. Valerie realizes that he's improvising a plan on the fly. Lulu's unable to take his call, since Laura's over, having guessed that Lulu's spent the past few weeks aiding and abetting a fugitive. Lulu blames Valerie for everything but stops short of telling Laura that she's plotting anything. By the time she gets Johnny's message, he's left Valerie in the cabin to flail about and knock over a candle. Dillon stops by the police station looking for Valerie and hears that Johnny's presence is now public knowledge. Nathan and Dante get suspicious and get him to spill that Lulu's been hanging out with Johnny. Before Dante can go track down his wife, he sees pictures of Johnny and Valerie. The witness to the balcony fight is the doctor who ran the DNA test proving that "Jake" was Jason. He confirms to Sam that he was in the hotel the night of the gala and saw the whole fight. He resists making a statement to the police, since he comes to the hotel to have an affair, but Sam has recorded his statement and plans to take it to the police herself. When the doctor's mistress arrives, Sam manages to convince both of them to come forward and save an innocent man from a prison sentence. The doctor also reveals that he confirmed Jason's identity, so Sam has another reason to be grateful to him. Later, the doctor gives Jason the news that he's going to be cleared, adding that he's lucky to have such a great wife. Elizabeth's uneasy staying at the hotel, partly because it gives Jake the wrong idea about his parents and partly because Jason's kindness makes her feel even worse about what she did. But she sure doesn't seem too broken up about things when Sam stops by and sees a robe-wearing Elizabeth in Jason's room. Tracy calls Hayden (real name: Rachel) to make it clear that her deadline isn't flexible. Hayden ignores her and starts to have sex with Nikolas instead.

Valerie should be glad Johnny left her. She has a better chance at escaping now. But I predict that Lulu will save her and feel really bad about everything she did.

Good luck hooking up with Lulu now, Dillon!

I still think it would have been fun if Ric had been the witness, but I like that they brought back Carly's doctor buddy. Maybe he can be Sonny's new doctor.

I was going to caution Hayden and Nikolas to use protection, but honestly, it might be fun if she got pregnant.

Scorecard:
Kidnapped: Valerie Spencer
Left town: Carlos Rivera, Sabrina Santiago

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Sam: "You sound like Spinelli." Kristina: "No one sounds like Spinelli"; Maxie and Johnny running around the Haunted Star
Funniest moment (unintentional): Lulu complaining that she can't go a day without hearing Valerie's name, like, you're the one who's always talking about her, sweetie
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: When people ask Mac if he has kids, he says he has three daughters
Least believable moment: Sabrina didn't pack to leave town or tell Felix she wasn't coming back
Best instance of continuity: Olivia and Julian spent New Year's Eve together last year
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Sam
Most annoying character: Dante
Smartest character: Sam
Dumbest character: Probably Johnny

The week in a nutshell:

• Maxie reluctantly covered up Lulu and Johnny's reconnection but told Nathan and Dante that he'd contacted her. The police began to search for him just as he put the final phase of his Valerie plan in motion (though it doesn't appear to be the plan he had in mind). Johnny took Valerie to a cabin and ditched her just before it caught on fire.
• Anna focused on Sabrina as a way to find Carlos, but was too late to get to her before she and Carlos left town together. She turned to Robert for help in continuing the investigation.
• Sam looked into the fight on the terrace, getting eyewitness testimony from the doctor who proved Jason is Jason.
• Morgan made some progress in therapy, realizing that he needs to stabilize before he can be of use to anyone.
• Jason moved Elizabeth and her sons into the Metro Court for safety, all the better for Sam to find her husband's ex in his room.
• Nikolas turned down Hayden's sort-of marriage proposal but not her advances in the bedroom.
• Sonny clashed with his new doctor.
• Julian was the only person unhappy with Crimson's success.
• Ava and Kiki made tentative progress in their relationship.
• Valerie and Olivia fought, but Olivia came away with a new attitude.
• Kristina continued to hide her academic troubles.
• Andre and Jordan continued to be adorable.

January 18th, 2016

Lulu goes out to the woods but decides to leave when Johnny doesn't appear. Valerie tries to free herself but ends up unconscious from smoke in the cabin. Lulu notices the fire and saves her cousin, but they can't make it back down the mountain because Lulu's keys are inside and neither woman has a phone. Jordan falls for Johnny's ploy, thinking Valerie could have accepted mob money in exchange for information. She and Dante question Bobbie, who refuses to believe that Valerie would be on the take. Plus, as a cadet, she wouldn't have any information Johnny could use. Dante figures things out, guessing that Johnny staged the photos and set Valerie up. He also realizes that Lulu's in the middle of the scheme. Elizabeth implies to Sam that she and Jason are back together, but that falls apart as soon as Jason turns up outside the room with Jake. Jake acts like a brat to Sam, then tells his parents that she broke the picture at the house. Jason tells him how horrible lies are, which serves the extra purpose of making Elizabeth feel guilty. Jake admits that he can't prove that Sam broke the picture, but he still doesn't like her since she broke up his parents. Later, Jake asks Elizabeth if she and Jason will ever get back together, and she naïvely says that anything can happen. Kristina has dinner with Sonny and Alexis, scrambling again to keep them from finding out what's been going on at Wesleyan. She finally comes clean to Sam, admitting that she was suspended. After she went through a bad breakup, she started doing badly in class and didn't have time to turn things around. She propositioned a professor named Parker, who turned her in and got her suspended. Her plan is to secretly get an apartment and work for the semester, then go back to school in the fall. Sam agrees to keep the truth from Alexis and Sonny on three conditions: 1) Kristina's apartment can't be too horrible, 2) she has to keep Sam updated on her life, and 3) she has to stay away from Parker. Kristina agrees, then promptly gets a text from Parker. Sonny worries that Kristina's ashamed of having him as a father because he didn't go to college.

Dante did some detectiving today! Good job, Dante!

You know, Bobbie Spencer isn't a bad person to have in your corner.

For the record, Kristina never specified the gender of Professor Parker. I'm not saying that means anything, but as Jake would say, that doesn't mean it doesn't mean something.

Sonny, Alexis is the only person in Kristina's family who DID go to college, so chill.

January 19th, 2016

Nathan tracks down Johnny, who refuses to talk without a lawyer. Unfortunately for him, the only one available is Scott. With no other options, Johnny agrees to let Scott represent him, then covers for Lulu, saying he threatened her to make her help him. Valerie and Lulu make it through the night in her car, but Valerie probably wishes they hadn't once she realizes that Lulu must have been working with Johnny. Lulu promises that she didn't want Valerie to get hurt, but she did scheme with Johnny to get her out of town. The two have a slap fight until Dante rescues them. Once he gets the full story, he turns on Lulu, seeing through Johnny's story that she's innocent. Lulu finally starts to realize that she really screwed stuff up. Robert thinks Paul has the hots for Anna, so he encourages her to take advantage of that to get closer to him. He's also called in a consultant to help them figure out Carlos and Sabrina's motives, or something. At least it won't take long to get the consultant up to speed, since it's Andre. Olivia gets into a fight with Lomax over public breastfeeding and gets herself arrested for exposing herself. Andre and Jordan continue to be great together. Paul and Ava...whatever.

I'm so sure Scott does pro bono work.

Andre can't actually be as awesome as he seems, right? When do we find out that he's really a terrorist or once killed someone?

I imagine that Jordan, a reasonable person, will shut Lomax down as quickly as she can.

So now we can add art to the list of things I really don't want to hear Paul and Ava talk about. By the way, that list includes everything ever.

January 20th, 2016

Olivia calls Julian, which leads to Alexis volunteering to represent her. She argues that Lomax was the one who broke the law, then overreacted to Olivia's reaction. Julian picks up from there and gets Olivia released by reminding Lomax that he has a newspaper and could ruin her. Lomax wants to sweep the whole situation under the rug, but Alexis announces that she and Olivia are going to file a lawsuit. Since Julian's busy, Nina's left giving an interview to a financial publication on her own. She improvises some stuff about wanting to connect with readers and highlight real women, then finds inspiration in Olivia's experience. Andre and Anna put their admirable brains together to figure out that Carlos and Sabrina are in Halifax. They're right, and they've decided to cut ties with their lives in Port Charles, even though they know Anna's looking for them and Michael wants to get back together with Sabrina. Jake sees a child therapist who recommends to Elizabeth that he go to art therapy with Franco. It may not be enough, though – Franco confides to Kevin that Jake's drawings remind him of some he did as a child, and look how he turned out. Jason talks over the Jake situation with Sam, then agrees to let her investigate. He wonders if anyone has a personal vendetta against him, so Sam cautions him that Franco might not be as reformed as people think. Kevin advises Elizabeth to keep an eye on her own mental health while dealing with Jake's problems.

What should happen next is Alexis and Olivia become BFFs and Julian feels left out.

I love seeing smart people do smart stuff together. Andre and Anna make a good team.

Franco hasn't spoken to Kevin since Kevin turned him into the police? That was two years ago!

Thank you, Jason, for your skepticism. I was wondering why everyone jumped to the idea that there was a break-in.

January 21st, 2016

Sonny asks Morgan if he's trying to get involved in mob stuff again. Morgan says he just wants something that makes him feel useful, so Sonny gives him a job in the coffee business. Ava asks Raj not to tell Paul that Morgan was on the docks on New Year's Eve. Meanwhile, Max alerts Sonny to the arrival of one of Raj's shipments, in boxes labeled "Jerome Gallery." Hayden wraps up her business with Curtis, collecting his evidence that Shawn wasn't the person who shot her. Curtis is curious about her endgame, reminding her that her life could still be in danger. She might want to figure out her endgame soon, since Nikolas is falling in love with her. Carly tries to negotiate visitation with Ava but gets shut down. Kiki attempts to guilt her mother into changing her mind by pointing out that she didn't get to have her father in her childhood either. Jordan informs Nikolas that the charges against Jason are being dropped because of the doctor's testimony. Jason learns the same thing but can't even be happy about it because Sam and Elizabeth are busy fighting. Sam accuses Elizabeth of making up the incidents at the house because she knew Jason would come to her rescue. Unfortunately for Elizabeth, Jason's leaning toward believing that.

Writers, please stop giving Kiki and Ava scenes together until they have something new to talk about.

Why doesn't anyone suspect Jake of making everything up?

Yes, Elizabeth, Sam is the reason you lost Jason. Your actions had nothing to do with it.

So Curtis was Thomas' brother? Is Jordan in the Slept With Siblings Club?

There's a Housewives of Beechers Corners? Are you kidding me?

January 22nd, 2016

Carly wants to celebrate Jason's sort-of birthday, ignoring Sam's warnings that he probably won't be up for it. She's right, and Jason and Carly get into a little argument over how he talks about himself and his past self like they're two different people. Jason realizes that he needs to be more patient with and grateful to the people who care about him. A sudden rainstorm leads him to remember dancing with Sam in the rain years earlier. Sonny continues this week's theme of helping his children with their problems, this time with Michael and Dante. Afterward, Dante decides that he doesn't want Rocco to see him and Lulu fighting anymore, so they need to get divorced. Elizabeth can't convince Jason that Sam's accusations are ridiculous, since he's had a front-row seat to her lies before. Hayden balks at Nikolas' sudden profession of love, which turns into a marriage proposal. Sonny's further along in his recovery than he's let on. Laura finds herself counseling two crazy people, Lulu and Elizabeth. Jake eavesdrops on Elizabeth and Laura and draws angry pictures.

I was all excited for this episode, since they'd hyped that Jason was going to remember something important, and then...that's all that happened. Boo! Your ad revealed too much! BOO!

I'm pretty sure half of Carly and Sam's relationship is based on their mutual love of Jason, and the other half is based on their mutual hatred of Elizabeth.

"I wasn't trying to get revenge on Valerie." YES, YOU WERE! Lulu and Elizabeth need to form a club for delusional people.

Hayden mentioned her ex-husband again, which makes me think we're going to see him. Maybe he's the new doctor Matt Cohen's playing, starting in February?

Scorecard:
Arrested: Olivia Falconeri, Johnny Zacchara

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Scott to Johnny: "Say nothing, you criminal"; Alexis: "You correct me if I'm wrong." Olivia: "You know I will"
Funniest moments (unintentional): Elizabeth trying to make Sam think she and Jason were together, then getting busted; Sam being like, "Well, Carly's upset and Jason's annoyed, but we can't let this cake go to waste"
Saddest moment: Lulu crying over Dante telling her the divorce is going to happen
Sweetest/cutest moment: Sonny telling Morgan he's proud of him
Least believable moment: No one suspects Jake of lying
Best instances of continuity: Kristina faked a relationship with Johnny; the whole Logan thing
Worst instance of continuity: A.J. and Jason's accident was on New Year's Eve 1995, not 1996, and Jason woke up on January 19th, not January 22nd
Hero of the week: Lulu
Most annoying character: Elizabeth
Smartest character: Andre
Dumbest character: Whoever put Raj's shipments in boxes marked "Jerome Gallery"

The week in a nutshell:

• Lulu saved Valerie from the fire but found herself in trouble when the truth about her schemes with Johnny came out. Dante decided they were past fixing and should get divorced.
• Jason had his biggest memory yet, of a romantic evening with Sam.
• Lomax picked a fight with Olivia over public breastfeeding, which led to Olivia being arrested for verbal assault. Alexis came to her rescue and decided to turn the incident into a lawsuit. Nina likes the idea of using the incident in the magazine.
• Robert connected Anna with a consultant (who turned out to be Andre), and together they determined that Carlos and Sabrina had run off to Nova Scotia.
• Hayden didn't know what to do with Curtis' proof that Shawn didn't shoot her, or with Nikolas' revelation that he's falling in love with her. She was further stumped when he proposed, because apparently they're that close now.
• Sam investigated the supposedly strange goings-on at the Webber house and determined that Elizabeth was probably to blame.
• Kristina revealed to Sam that she was suspended after offering to have sex with a professor in exchange for good grades.
• Sonny gave advice to all his children, then stood up.
• Carly and Ava had yet another fight about Avery, and Kiki tried to guilt-trip her mother yet again.
• Franco thinks Jake is a future serial killer, or something like that.

January 25th, 2016

Sam takes Jason to the rooftop from his memory, filling in some details for him. He decides he wants to stop running from who he used to be and try to recover his memories. Sam supports this idea but thinks she should keep her distance because she'll influence him by failing to remain objective. Hayden accepts Nikolas' proposal and quickly tells Tracy about the development. Tracy's much more excited than Laura, who tells Nikolas this is a horrible idea. Jordan is annoyed that Curtis is hanging around town, and even more annoyed that he might be following her. When T.J. finds out Curtis is in town, Jordan has to pretend that she's happy he's visiting. When T.J.'s out of the room, Jordan warns Curtis to keep his mouth shut about something or another, which either has to do with the work he did with the Baltimore Police Department or T.J.'s real paternity. Kristina gets revenge on Molly for talking about her secrets to Sam by virgin-shaming her in front of T.J. (as if T.J. doesn't know what's going on after three years of dating). Molly gets revenge for her revenge by mentioning how much free time she seems to be able to spend in Port Charles. On vacation, Tracy runs into Ashton (last seen fleeing after causing trouble with Jerry), who tries to help her relax with pot and sex. Tracy can't believe she's vulnerable to his charms again and resolves to cut potential male distractions out of her life. Kristina gets a call from Parker, who apparently keeps threatening to tell Sonny and Alexis what happened. Kristina warns Parker to keep quiet or risk her tattling to Parker's wife. Julian wants to get married soon, in a simple ceremony, but Alexis wants a big church wedding, which surprises Molly and Kristina.

Laura's like, "Can I PLEASE have ONE normal child right now?"

If they're moving toward a Curtis/Jordan/Andre love triangle, I've already picked a side. Andre and Jordan all the way.

I'm glad T.J. is pre-med. In a few years, he can help refill the depleted population of doctors on the show.

Tracy is so Tracy that not even pot can mellow her out.

I thought Alexis' resistance to having Kristina baptized was less about religion and more about being annoyed with Sonny.

January 26th, 2016

Sonny lets Epiphany in on the progress he's made, asking her to keep it a secret. She guesses that he wants to keep his enemies from finding out so he remains underestimated. Lulu's brush with the law has made her want to be a better person for Rocco. She encourages Johnny to work on the same thing while he's in prison, but for himself, not her (since she's not going to wait for him). Lulu's marriage may be over and her ally might be going back behind bars, but at least she has Dillon to comfort her! Lucas is happy to hear that Julian and Alexis are getting married soon, and praises his father for the changes he's made in his life. Julian asks Sonny for a truce and forgiveness, but Sonny can't get past the fact that he put the hit on Duke. He's sure Julian's still connected to the mob, since no one can ever leave, and vows to take him down. Dante tells Olivia that his marriage is really over, and for once she shows him support instead of telling him to just fix it. Dante gives Valerie the same news, and she tells him she needs to cut ties with him for good. Maxie feels responsible for the whole Lulu/Johnny mess since she encouraged Lulu to make a big move. Nathan doesn't hold her lies against her and is just happy that she recognizes everything wrong with what Lulu did.

Ooh, Epiphany's smart. I didn't think about Sonny wanting to keep his recovery quiet for business reasons. I thought he just wanted to surprise his family.

Of course Julian wants Lucas to be his best man. His only other male family member is a baby, and he has no male friends. Wait, he doesn't have any friends. Julian's pretty pathetic, huh?

I wonder if Sonny has asked Jason about anything he learned while he was working for Julian. Actually, I wonder if anyone else remembers that, because no one ever mentions it, and I still think the whole thing is funny.

I'll encourage Dante and Lulu to get a divorce if it means we don't have to hear anyone talk about their marriage anymore.

January 27th, 2016

Darby visits Morgan at the end of his first day at work and tries to get something started in the coffee warehouse. Morgan puts the brakes on just before Sonny and Carly show up and interrogate him about getting a visit from a possible love interest. Morgan tells them once again to give him some space, and this time they might actually listen. Morgan then goes to see Kiki, telling her that he's decided he wants to get back together. Anna and Robert canvas hospitals and clinics in Halifax, happening on the one where Carlos has set up an appointment for Sabrina. Carlos sees them before they can be spotted and rushes Sabrina out. She demands to go to another clinic, and when Carlos says they need to stay hidden, she tells him they don't have a choice: She's in labor. Sonny warns Julian that his days are numbered, making Julian wonder if Ava's getting into danger that could affect him. Carly sees Sonny standing, so there goes his attempt to keep that a secret. Kiki chats with Paul about his dealings with Ava, making him worry that Ava's said something to her daughter about their semi-relationship. Ava makes Carly think she's going to approve a long visitation with Avery, then reveals that she's still as vengeful as ever.

I feel like sending Morgan a list of things to throw in Carly's face whenever she says he's being impulsive.

Please tell me this storyline ends with Robert and Anna delivering Sabrina's baby.

Stop making it sound like Robert's staying when we know he's not!

Paul, if you're that worried about people connecting you to Ava, STOP MEETING HER IN PUBLIC, YOU MORON.

Why can't Kiki serve as a "supervisor" for a visitation with the Corinthoses? Seriously, anything to end this ongoing battle.

I'm pretty sure they've now spent more time on the fact that Alexis wants to get married in a church than on the Brad/Rosalie non-plot.

January 28th, 2016

Carlos tells Paul that Anna tracked him down, so Paul calls her to distract her with talk of her future with the PCPD. It works, as Anna realizes she's on to him and decides she needs to go home. By then, though, Robert has Carlos and Sabrina's location, so they proceed to the hotel. Carlos delivers the baby, but there's some kind of complication. By the time Anna and Robert arrive, the room is empty. Then police arrive and tell Anna and Robert they're under arrest. Sonny lies to Carly that he's not making as much progress as she thinks (not that she really buys it). He then tells Max the truth, leading Max to figure out his motives for keeping his recovery a secret. Sonny decides that since Ava's getting deeper into dangerous territory, it's time to shut her down. Kiki's smart enough to know that she can't get back into a relationship with Morgan right now since he's not stable, but not smart enough not to give him hope for the future. Elizabeth says she wants Jason to get his memory back, but not because he deserves it or wants it or anything selfless like that – because she wants him to remember that she's not as horrible as she really, truly is. Sam has a run-in with Franco that makes her think he's involved in the goings-on at the Webber house. While defending himself, Franco accidentally implies that something's up with Jake. Jason is catching on to how much dislike Jake has for Sam.

So what was Sabrina's plan while she was walking around the hotel room? Why was she not freaking out about Carlos being the only person who could deliver the baby?

OF COURSE the woman in black is Sam. Jason, what happened to your intuition?

I can't believe Sam didn't slap Franco after he told her to tell Danny hi.

Aw, I like hearing Max call Carly "Mrs. C." again.

January 29th, 2016

Jake's drawing of a "bad woman" makes Jason so uneasy that he goes straight to Elizabeth with it, insisting that Jake needs more help. Franco agrees, showing them Jake's house pictures and telling them he's not anxious about his family, he's angry. Jason realizes that Jake is behind all the happenings at the house. At home with a sitter, Jake breaks a window, then tells a visiting Sam that someone threw a rock through it. It doesn't take Sam much investigating to realize he's lying. He takes off to the basement, and when she follows, she falls down the stairs and knocks herself out. Lulu enlists Maxie to help her make the loft romantic so she can convince Dante not to get divorced. They find the divorce papers he had drawn up, but Lulu's hopeful since he hasn't signed them. Kristina ices out Sam when she asks for more information on the Parker scandal. Kristina contemplates telling Alexis what's going on but ultimately keeps quiet. Alexis assures her that she'll find a great guy someday. But that might not be what Kristina wants, since Parker shows up at the house, and is definitely not a guy. Olivia gets cold feet about the lawsuit, then recommits herself to the cause after being thanked by an older woman who appreciates her protest. Lomax threatens to cut funding to Big Brothers if Dante doesn't convince Olivia to drop the lawsuit. Dante won't play ball, so Lomax cancels all of the city's planned events at the Metro Court. Sam discusses the Jake situation with Kristina, who smartly advises her to stay out of it so she doesn't give Elizabeth any more reasons to hate her.

Can you commit an eight-year-old? Just wondering.

Parker's a woman! Called it!

Lomax is truly lost if she thinks Olivia would listen to a man about anything.

See, Alexis and Olivia are so much better as friends than as enemies. They have a lot in common; it makes sense that they would get along.

If only Kristina were as smart in her personal life as she is about Sam's.

Scorecard:
Born: unnamed Santiago/Rivera baby
Engaged: Hayden Barnes and Nikolas Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Epiphany: "I have nurses to harass"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Franco claiming that he's never done anything to hurt Elizabeth. Dude, you kidnapped her kid. We just went over this a few weeks ago
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: N/A
Least believable moment: It took this long for someone to figure out that Jake was behind the house weirdness
Best instance of continuity: Alexis left Ned at the altar and married Ric at the hospital
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Elizabeth
Smartest character: Kiki, for recognizing that getting back together with Morgan right now would be a horrible idea
Dumbest character: Also Kiki, for not realizing that getting back together with Morgan in the future would also be a horrible idea

The week in a nutshell:

• Franco dodged the subject of Jake with Sam, then tried to tell Elizabeth that she needs to be more concerned about her middle son. It wasn't until Jake drew a picture of a "bad woman" (probably Sam) that Jason started getting worried. That together with Jake's house pictures, finally revealed to his parents by Franco, clued Jason and Elizabeth in that Jake is angry, not anxious. As Jason figured out that Jake had caused all the trouble at the house, Sam stopped by and caught Jake in a lie about a broken window. She followed him to the basement, fell down the stairs, and knocked herself out.
• Between dodging Anna and Robert, complaining to Paul, and trying to keep Sabrina calm, Carlos delivered Sabrina's baby. Of course, there was some sort of complication, because this is a soap. Also, Robert and Anna were too late to get to them and got arrested for some reason.
• Carly caught Sonny standing, but he downplayed his progress. He's only let Max and Epiphany know the truth, wanting his enemies to keep seeing him as weak.
• Kristina resisted talking to Sam about her issues, then considered spilling them to Alexis. As she left for school, Parker showed up in town (and contrary to Sam's assumptions, the professor isn't a he).
• Lulu decided to fight for her marriage with a plan involving candles and a dress.
• Lomax pressured Dante to get Olivia to drop the breastfeeding lawsuit, like that would ever happen. Olivia had second thoughts herself, but support from a fellow Port Charlesian made her decide to keep up the fight.
• Morgan blew off Darby because he wants Kiki back. She told him it won't happen right now, but apparently she's not opposed to never getting back together.
• Jason was inspired to recover the rest of his memories.
• Sonny and Julian were both worried about Ava's business dealings, Sonny because they could put Avery in danger, and Julian because they could threaten his new non-mob life.
• Hayden accepted Nikolas' proposal, so who knows what's going on there?
• Jordan warned Curtis not to talk to T.J. about...something.
• Tracy encountered Ashton, who just made her even more determined not to get involved with horrible people anymore.
• Julian tried to make peace with Sonny, who wasn't interested.
• Ava continued to be a jerk to Carly just because she can.
• Maxie and Nathan did nothing but were cute anyway.
• Alexis wants to marry Julian in a church and no one will shut up about it.