General Hospital blog - July, 2015

July 1st, 2015

Luke notices what I noticed about Ethan and Lucky's hand signals, and determines that they're being held at a lumberyard at 3 Jackson Street. The Spencers, et al. distract the guards there with a ruse that Lulu's in labor, and Luke appears to run into the kidnapper. Nikolas tries to convince Sam that the ELQ takeover wasn't personal, that he cares about his family, that he's not a horrible person, etc. The conversation turns to Jason, and Sam says that if he were alive, he'd come after Nikolas for hurting the Quartermaines. Nikolas makes their relationship worse by remarking that he's lucky Jason isn't alive. Jason suggests to Michael that they work together to get ELQ back, using whatever means they need, since Nikolas wasn't discerning in his methods. Michael notes that, with his talk of honor and protecting what's yours, Jason sounds like...well, Jason. Later, Jason approaches Sam to recruit her as well. Sonny's hesitant to let "Denise" see Avery, not because he thinks she's lying but because he doesn't like what she's been up to with Morgan. She attempts to ease his fears by telling him she's with Franco, but that just makes him kick her out faster. Franco talks over the Nina/"Denise" stuff with Obrecht, and together they figure out that Ava's using him to keep her mind off of Morgan. Morgan tells Kiki he's obviously never going to cheat on her, but considering that Ava's now at his (well, Silas') door and he's in a towel, that might not stick.

I don't know if it counts as an inside joke, but I laughed at Lucky pointing to himself to indicate the "son" in "Jackson," since he's played by Jonathan Jackson.

With the exception of yesterday's Laura/Holly scenes, the dialogue in the Spencers' storyline has been horrible. We don't need three people to spell out every single point, guys.

Friendly reminder that Spencer knows the combination to Nikolas' safe, in case that's where the stock certificates are. Of course, Sam knows how to crack a safe, so there's that, but it would be more fun if Spencer helped bring down this whole mess.

Michael says he doesn't want to "break" Nikolas, but I think when everything comes out, he'll change his mind.

I wonder how many bags of Cheetos Roger Howarth ate during today's scenes.

Morgan, put some clothes on. You don't even live there.

I was confused by Morgan calling Kiki smart, but then again, compared to Morgan, lots of people are smart.

July 2nd, 2015

Luke finds Ethan, who reports that Lucky escaped the day before. Ethan's been forced to stand on a landmine, and he tells Luke to leave and let him fall off and die. Luke refuses and disarms the bomb. Meanwhile, Lulu and Dillon try to keep their labor ruse from going too far, because they'll have to get in a van with a henchman. The henchmen bust them anyway, and everyone gets captured and brought together. Luke demands to see the kidnapper, whose identity surprises him and freaks out Laura. Spencer thinks Nikolas is a bad guy now, because of the way he stole ELQ. Nikolas tries to explain that he got the company to make sure Spencer has plenty of money. Spencer really doesn't care about that, since his talk with Courtney's ghost has actually made him nicer. Dante drinks and whines about Lulu to Valerie while I yell at him to keep his hands to himself. Jason enlists Sam to find dirt on Nikolas that they can use to blackmail him into stepping down from ELQ. He mentions that Nikolas seems to be acting strangely, and it may have something to do with Jason. Ava blames Morgan for her inability to see Avery, since Morgan told Sonny about making out with her. Morgan questions her attraction to him and tells her he's not going to cheat on Kiki. Franco tells Kiki about his suspicions that Ava and Morgan are into each other. He also admits that he and "Denise" aren't really together.

I haven't done a $5 bet in a while. I'm going to bet $5 that the kidnapper is Stavros, AKA the man who wouldn't die.

Ethan, please come back to the show. You can date Hayden (assuming the rumors about her waking up are true).

Here's an idea, Nikolas: If you need money so badly, sell one of your five houses. Also, stop blaming Helena and Victor for your problems.

Dante skips over the part where Lulu's possessive of Rocco because he spent the first months of his life with a crazy woman.

July 3rd, 2015

The kidnapper is Frank Smith, who I guess has been waiting 20 years to get revenge on Luke (for various crimes) and Laura (for killing Damian, which she didn't do). He wants Luke to pick one of his loved ones to die first. Of course, Luke won’t, picking himself instead. Frank shoots Ethan in the arm, then lets him, Holly, Lulu, and Dillon go. Lulu and Dillon try to get back to the lumberyard before Frank can kill Luke and/or Laura, but as they approach, they hear a gunshot. Morgan tells Kiki about Franco and Ava's non-relationship, and how Michael sent Avery back to Sonny. Kiki's happy for Sonny but sad that Ava won't get access to the baby. Ava and Franco recap things for us, and she blasts him for telling Kiki they're not really together. Franco comforts her when Morgan tells her that Sonny won't let her see Avery. Ava repays him by announcing that she's Avery's mother. Maxie and Nathan interrupt Dante and Valerie before they can do anything stupid, though it doesn't look like Valerie wants anything to happen anyway. Sonny fills Carly in on recent Morgan/Ava and Lulu/Dante/Valerie developments. They're on opposite sides when it comes to Lulu and Dante, but put it aside to watch the fireworks together. Nathan recreates last 4th of July, when he and Maxie were handcuffed together. Molly wonders about T.J.'s motives for living with Sonny.

Is that all we get of Ethan? Rip-off!

I'm way too happy about the possibility of Franco and Ava causing trouble together.

All Kiki and Morgan need to do is offer to take Avery out somewhere, and then let Ava spend time with her without Sonny knowing. I'm sure someone other than Morgan will think of that soon.

Guys, it's not Christmas or Thanksgiving. It's the 4th of July. It's okay not to spend it with your whole family.

Back from the dead: Frank Smith
Injured: Ethan Lovett

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Luke's "I spent the night in a bed with two of my exes but it was nothing like my dreams" face; Franco calling Morgan "Hunky Brewster"
Funniest moment (unintentional): "I'm relentless," says the guy who waited 20 years for revenge
Saddest moment: Ethan being upset made me upset
Sweetest/cutest moment: Avery sharing her snack with Sonny
Least believable moment: In the 24 or so hours after Lucky escaped, he didn't contact Luke
Best instance of continuity: Luke calling Dillon "Spielberg"
Worst instance of continuity: No way would Ava use the phrase "ship it"
Hero of the week: Luke
Most annoying character: Dante
Smartest character: Jason
Dumbest character: Dante
Previously unanswered question now answered: Frank Smith kidnapped Lucky (and Ethan).

The week in a nutshell:

July 6th, 2015

Just when it looks like Frank is going to kill Luke and Laura, the remaining Spencer child lives up to his nickname, cowboying in to their rescue. Everyone's so distracted by their happy reunion with Lucky that they don't realize Frank isn't dead. Just before Luke finishes him off, Frank announces that Lucky was in on everything. Lucky admits that he only pretended to be a hostage, but it was because someone else's life was at stake. That someone is Jake, who Lucky claims is alive. I throw things at my TV. Dante continues whining about Lulu, and though Valerie encourages him to work things out with her, eventually her will power ceases to exist, and they have sex in Dante in Lulu's bed while I throw more things at my TV. Jason hangs out with Sam and Danny, talking memories and secrets. Specifically, they talk about how Sam would rather feel pain about losing Jason but keep her memories than have no pain and no memories. They reaffirm their agreement to bring down Nikolas, deciding not to tell their significant others. Elizabeth talks to both Patrick and Jason about Lucky, who hasn't been in touch for a while. It's really just a reason for her to talk about Jake, because no one's talked about him for a while and the writers need to remind us about him. Ava reveals her true identity to Franco, as well as the news that Silas kidnapped Avery for the bone-marrow transplant. Franco wants to tell Nina, since she was accused of the kidnapping, but Ava shuts him down by promising to make Nina so jealous that she comes back to Franco. Nina tells Silas about "Denise" and Franco's "relationship," which annoys him. There's also a random scene of Silas and Nina running into Sam and Patrick, and Sam wondering if they're getting back together, like, Sam, that's the very last thing on the list of things you need to worry about.

They're really doing this Jake plot, huh? Lord have mercy. Let's talk about all the reasons it's stupid:

There are basically only two good/interesting things that can come of this: 1) Rebecca Herbst could get an Emmy, and 2) since Jake is a Quartermaine, it could stir things up at ELQ.

Speaking of Elizabeth's children who aren't dead, someone remembered that Aiden exists.

Yay, Jason/Danny scenes! I was hoping for more of those.

"Welcome to the show, Franco." You know, half the time Ava just makes me roll my eyes, but sometimes she's fun. (She shouldn't have exposed Silas, though.)

Aaaaaaaaand there go all the points Valerie earned with me. (All three of them.)

Lulu, the first rule of lying is to make sure your alibi knows she's an alibi. You'd think years of associating with Carly and Maxie would have taught you something. But you're not the one who broke her wedding vows, so I'll let it go.

July 7th, 2015

Dante doesn't know what will happen to his marriage, but he wants Valerie to stick around, which makes me want to punch him. Valerie doesn't regret their affair, which makes me want to punch her, too. Lulu tells Maxie and Nathan why she really left town, easing Maxie's worries that she and Dillon are having an affair. After their obligatory conversation about Jason, Sam and "Jake" sneak into Wyndemere to break into the safe. Elizabeth thinks the Spencers are hiding something, since Lucky hasn't called in weeks, Lulu seems to be dodging her calls, and Laura has gone off the radar. Elizabeth gets her weekly attack of guilt about keeping Jason from his family, and Nikolas once again talks her down. Tracy prepares to leave town to visit Brook and find out if Nikolas blackmailed her to get her ELQ shares. At the airport, she bumps into someone familiar. Brad and Lucas tease Patrick about when he's going to propose to Sam, though it's kind of a way to distract themselves from the fact that Brad is dragging his feet about their own wedding. Brad admits to Felix that he's hiding something from Lucas about his past. Patrick tells Elizabeth that Hayden's condition has changed.

What's that, Valerie? You don't regret sleeping with your cousin's husband? Then I won't regret requesting that you bite me.

I was just about to wonder if "Jake" ever gets tired of hearing about Jason, but I think the answer to that is pretty clear.

Hey, Sam, remember when Patrick didn't tell you Jason was alive? Stop feeling bad about not practicing full disclosure. Maxie in the show's most stable relationship? How did that happen?

July 8th, 2015

Dante has it out with Lulu, trying to kick her out for doing the same thing he's done. She tells him what really happened, promising that she didn't sleep with Dillon, wouldn't cheat on him, and hopes to regain his trust. Rather than admit to what he and Valerie did, Dante chooses to find more and more reasons to be mad. Sam and Jason crack Nikolas' safe, bantering about jewelry and whether Sam is girly, because they've temporarily forgotten that they're committing a crime and should probably be quick. They don't find the stock certificates, but they do find Hayden's driver's license. Valerie fills in some blanks for them, explaining that Hayden was staying at Wyndemere, and that Nikolas said they knew each other before she came to town. Speaking of Hayden, she's not awake, but she may be on the road to it, which makes Elizabeth panic for the 1,784th time. Dillon tells Sabrina about the Spencers' adventure and how Luke lied to Tracy, because Sabrina is apparently the new Quartermaine confidant. Dillon's father, Paul Hornsby, is back in town, wanting to see his son after 20+ years of no contact. Tracy claims he's her least favorite ex-husband, which is saying a lot. Alexis cautions T.J. not to turn his new friendship with Sonny into a job.

I don't have anything against Emme Rylan, but she was way out of her league in those scenes with Dominic Zamprogna.

How long until Sam and Jason put 2 and 2 together about Nikolas and Hayden? Because that's where my mind would go first – that he's who she was talking about when she said someone else knows who Jason is.

Elizabeth, stop saying Jason's name so loudly in public. That's how Hayden found out who he is in the first place. Oh, wait – never mind. Keep talking!

I basically have no use for Paul, but I really like Richard Burgi, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out well.

Sometimes I think they throw darts at names to pick people for filler scenes. "Alexis and T.J.? Sure, okay."

July 9th, 2015

Luke, Laura, and Lucky head to Cassadine Island to search for Jake and question Helena. Helena tells Luke that her exile has effectively disarmed her, so she no longer feels the need to play games with him. As a parting gift, she offers him a very alive Jake. Dante first gets interrupted before he can tell Lulu he cheated, then decides to keep the truth from her. Carly and Elizabeth have some actual nice moments when Carly goes to the hospital for Josslyn's routine medical tests (which come back clean). This is all just to remind us that Jake being alive makes less sense the more you think about it, because he's not supposed to have kidneys. Valerie spills her and Dante's activities to Jordan, who thinks she's naïve for believing they could have a future. Sonny calls Dillon out for what he thinks is inappropriate behavior with Lulu, so Dillon hurries to smooth things over with Dante. Tracy's annoyed when Alice tells Paul what happened between her and Luke, but Paul can actually sympathize, since Jenny left him, too. T.J. warns Sonny that Jordan will probably target him, which is exactly what she's doing.

Sigh. I just have so many questions about this whole Jake thing.

Also, how much anti-Spencer poison do you think he's been fed over the past four years?

Carly confiding in Elizabeth? Did Hell freeze over?

Dillon rushed to stop Tracy from leaving town, and then...went to Kelly's?

Speaking of Kelly's, why are there suddenly crayons everywhere? I noticed them last week, too. Oh, and I'd really like to see what Sonny drew.

July 10th, 2015

Lucky confirms that Jake is Jake, though he knows nothing of his life in Port Charles. While Laura eases Jake into the idea of leaving the island, Luke catches Lucky up on his dark side and warns that running away from your past only works for so long. Lucky thanks him for being such a wonderful father, especially after his own father was so awful. The Spencers head back to Port Charles, and Lucky prepares to reunite mother and son. Lulu sets Carly straight about why she and Dillon went to Canada. Carly thinks she was horrible to run off with someone who's not her husband, as if Carly has any place to talk about appropriate behavior with men you're not in a relationship with. Dante gets Valerie to agree not to tell anyone about their affair, since he wants to work things out with Lulu. But Carly tells Lulu that they kissed, so when Dante gets home, Lulu's ready to talk about how she knows everything. Elizabeth and Jason declare their love for each other, and JaSam shippers weep. Nikolas asks Sam why she and Jason were at Wyndemere together. She counters by asking about his connection to Hayden. He sticks to his story that they knew each other years ago, but she might be catching on that there's something fishy about the timing of her shooting. Dillon tells Monica about the Spencers' adventure, but it's just a reason to have Monica in the episode because later, Jason comes to the house.

I hate that this show is making me want something nice for Elizabeth. HATE.

It wouldn't be General Hospital if Lucky weren't crying and calling people "man."

Suddenly we're saying "Jake's kidney" instead of "Jake's kidneys." Interesting how easy that was to retcon.

Jason: "I love you, too." Me: "Goodbye, I'm jumping out the window."

I'm pretty sure the sound I made when Monica opened the door for Jason was the same sound I made last year when I read Brandon Barash was going to come back. I also love that they had their scene just as another mother/son reunion is about to happen.

Back in town: Paul Hornsby, Jake Spencer, Lucky Spencer
Back from the dead: Jake Spencer
Presumed dead: Frank Smith (because we'd all be crazy to believe he's really dead)

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Jake hitting Luke with a (toy) car
Funniest moment (unintentional): Sonny telling Dillon how respectable men don't go after other men's wives, like, who had a baby with his son's girlfriend? Not Dillon
Saddest moment: I might have been sad for Elizabeth if I didn't know it was for nothing
Sweetest/cutest moments: Sam's little embarrassed moment when Jason said she would look hot in the necklace from the safe; Laura with Jake
Least believable moment: The entire Jake plotline
Best instance of continuity: Helena and Faison faked Lucky's death
Worst instance of continuity: Josslyn has four years of remission, not five. But that's not even close to the biggest gap in this plot, so whatever
Hero of the week: Lucky
Most annoying character: Dante
Smartest character: I'm going to go with Sam
Dumbest character: Dante

The week in a nutshell:

July 13th, 2015

Lucky returns Jake to Elizabeth, who manages to not make me hate her for an entire episode. While mother and son reconnect, Lucky confesses to Luke that he's scared that he has the same darkness his father does, and that he'll pass it on to his kids. Dante makes all kinds of apologies to Lulu before realizing that she only knows that he and Valerie kissed. She assures him that she can move past this because she wants the past few weeks to be forgotten. Dante lets Valerie know that Lulu only knows half the story, so she still needs to keep quiet. Jason learns about his childhood from Monica, getting to see a different side of the person he keeps hearing about. Jordan wants to talk more about Valerie and Dante's possible relationship, but Valerie tells her that he shut it down. Jordan tells her to grow up (no, literally) and keep her personal drama out of the office. Laura tells Nikolas about Jake, mentioning how sad it is that Jason isn't there to hear the news. Nikolas possibly feels bad about continuing that ruse, but Lucky shows up before the conversation can continue. Patrick tells Sam that Hayden might be waking up, giving her hope that Jason will get some answers.

Luke: "You're lucky." Jake: (pointing to Lucky) "No, he is." Heh. I love a good lucky/Lucky joke.

Uh, I don't care how sure these people are that that's Jake. Go get a DNA test. Helena always has something up her sleeve. P.S. Maybe also book a session with a psychiatrist.

I loved Jason's little "huh" when he got back to Elizabeth's, like, "I haven't seen that one before. Where'd he come from?"

I'm marking my calendar for September 1st. $5 says Valerie's pregnant by then.

"Act like a grown-up." I ❤ Jordan.

July 14th, 2015

Fake Jake meets Little Jake, triggering a memory of picking up one of his toy motorcycles (I think right after Jake "died"). Elizabeth is compelled to tell Jason who he is, but of course she doesn't. Lucky talks to Nikolas about how he doesn't feel like he can be a good father, though he's uncertain about leaving the boys in the care of Elizabeth and some guy. Nikolas spills that that guy is really Jason. Lucky has a heart, so he doesn't get how Nikolas and Elizabeth can lie to him about his identity. Nikolas gives Lucky a choice: Tell the truth and stay, or keep the secret and leave. Lucky goes back to Elizabeth's to do the former, but when he sees Jason and Jake together, he ends up doing the latter. Luke tries to make up with Tracy, but she's already moved on to Paul, for some reason. She understands why he lied, but isn't happy about how he never treats her like an equal. Lulu seems to be madder at Valerie than Dante, but that's okay, because I can be mad at him for both of us. Dillon finally encounters Paul, who's determined to have a relationship with him. Strangely, Sonny and Carly get the filler scenes, discussing Dante and Lulu, Josslyn, and Jason.

Isn't Jake adjusing a little too well? This is weird.

Of course Lucky wasn't going to tell Jason – they're not going to wrap up a months-long storyline like that. I'm still mad at him, though.

Nikolas to Lucky: "If that's your decision, I respect it." Lucky, run! He's going to put a hit out on you!

Hey, Lulu, don't act like Dillon being your stepbrother again would be a turn-off. He was your stepbrother when you hooked up all those years ago.

July 15th, 2015

Sonny's back in the mob business (it all happened off-screen), so now he needs a moll. Carly happily accepts what must be his fifth or sixth marriage proposal. Kiki asks Michael to talk to Sonny about letting "Denise" see Avery. They still haven't figured out who kidnapped Avery, but Michael suspects Nina. Ava assigns Franco to get rid of the recording that proves she killed Connie (just when you thought we were done with recordings forever). Scott has held on to it, hoping to one day use it to put Sonny away. He and Jordan team up to figure out a way to do that. Silas warns Morgan to stay away from Denise or he'll tell Kiki what they've been up to. Ric makes Nina think she's hallucinating a crying baby, then pretends he found one of Avery's blankets in her drawer. Julian makes his first appearance in, like, six weeks, and all he does is complain about "Denise" and Franco.

Sonny to Carly: "That makes you her mother." Ava, across town: "Why does my head hurt all of a sudden?"

I like that "going Alexis" is a thing.

Dear Kiki, I have no use for you, but I liked your outfit today.

Is Franco going to be eating in every scene from now on? Is that going to be a thing?

I don't think the DA's desk drawer is acceptable for evidence storage, but I'm no lawyer.

We get it. William DeVry is ripped. Let's move on.

July 16th, 2015

Ric's gaslighting of Nina is working, as she thinks she kidnapped Avery and blocked it out. Madeline thinks the only thing that could ruin their plan is if Nina confides in someone who thinks there's nothing wrong with her mental state. That's exactly what she's doing, and the confidant happens to be Silas, who knows with 100% certainty that she didn't take Avery. Ric thinks something horrible happened to Nina as a child that led to her breaking down as an adult. He's probably right, but Madeline won't tell him anything. Not that Ric cares that much, since he'd rather be in bed with Madeline. Morgan blasts Ava for telling Silas that he and Kiki kissed. Ava tells him that she had to get Silas to back off because he was hitting on her. She blurted out Morgan's name because he's the only person she thinks about. The two of them do their "we can't hook up"/"let's just make out a little" thing once again, of course just as Kiki is on her way over. Michael learns that his parents are getting remarried and RSVPs maybe. Then he asks Sonny to let "Denise" see Avery, and Sonny RSVPs no. Franco tries but fails to steal the recording from Scott's desk. Alexis and Julian recap some things in case you've missed a day.

Me when Madeline says she doesn't want to hurt Nina.

Ric: "You gotta trust me." Me: "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Go on."

"You ate carbs?" Alexis asks Julian as he eats a piece of toast right in front of her. Aren't lawyers supposed to be more observant?

They're making Seinfeld movie references again. Hey, it's better than all the Golden Girls mentions.

July 17th, 2015

Nina catches Madeline with Ric and asks if her husband is her mother's lawyer. Madeline spills that Ric admitted that he only married Nina for her money. Ric distracts Nina by playing the baby recording, then reaffirms to Madeline that his plan will work. Franco inadvertently keeps Kiki from finding Ava and Morgan while Morgan's renewing his membership in the Slept With Mother and Daughter Club. Ava quiets Franco by telling him that Julian and Alexis are going at it in the bedroom. They're actually trying out role-playing at the Metro Court, where Franco later spots them. Carly and Sonny's engagement happiness is interrupted by a stolen shipment and a gunfight. Sonny suspects that Julian's responsible, but Alexis believes her boyfriend when he tells her he isn't. Sabrina gets the hospital board to approve funding for the clinic, so that plotline is back on.

I can't believe the censors let Ava's Franco/right hand comment get through.

Alexis and Julian playing Ms. Robertson and Tristan better be a hint that Robert's going to make an appearance.

Carly said "loyal" – drink!

Hey, there was a hit on Sonny's people and Max didn't get shot! Good job, Max.

Sabrina: "I have good news." Michael: (talks about himself for half an hour). Great relationship, guys.

Engaged: Sonny Corinthos and Carly Jacks

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Carly asking if she and Sonny are getting married so he doesn't have to correct himself when he accidentally calls her his wife
Funniest moment (unintentional): Elizabeth: "Jake." (Both of them turn around)
Saddest moment: Lucky being afraid that he has Luke's darkness and will pass it on to his kids
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jason and Monica's scenes
Least believable moment: There sure was a lack of questions about how it was possible Jake was alive
Best instance of continuity: Kiki plays poker
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Sabrina, for getting the clinic approved
Most annoying character: Valerie
Smartest character: N/A
Dumbest character: Franco, for calling out Ava's real name outside the apartment where she lives with someone who doesn't know her real identity
Inside joke: I'm guessing the Tristan/Ms. Robertson references were for Trisan Rogers/Robert Scorpio

The week in a nutshell:

July 20th, 2015

Elizabeth takes Jake to Patrick for a checkup, which shows that he's perfectly healthy – and he also has no scars from any kind of organ donation. Later, Elizabeth visits Wyndemere, and Laura seems to overhear Nikolas telling her that Lucky knows "Jake" is Jason. Jason tells Carly about Jake's resurrection, leading Carly to wonder whose kidney Josslyn received. Lulu talks over her marriage issues with Luke, who's sorry that his and Laura's actions affected so many people negatively. Valerie claims to want to forget all about her affair, even though she guesses (correctly) that Lulu's going to want to hash things out with her. Dillon urges Tracy to forgive Luke, since Dante was able to forgive Lulu. Then he suffers through a really awkward breakfast with his parents. After learning from Nikolas that Lucky left town, Laura makes the opposite decision, deciding to stick around for a while.

I really appreciated the scenes Elizabeth and Patrick had today. As he mentioned, he's always felt horrible about not being able to do more for Jake, so I was happy to see him get closure. I thought Jason Thompson played the scenes perfectly.

So we're going with Little Jake and Big Jake? That sounds weird to me. I prefer Little Jake and Fake Jake, or, as they're known on Twitter, Jake Doe and Jake Deux.

I'm starting to like Dillon more. He's much more in character now.

Laura, Nikolas buries his heart because that way he doesn't have to admit that he doesn't have one.

July 21st, 2015

Tracy tells Luke she can forgive him for his latest adventure, but she can't marry him. Spending time with Paul made her realize that she can't take getting back into a relationship that's so much work and doesn't let her have fun. She also thinks Luke needs to deal with his past traumas and become a new person, since he keeps trying to be the old Luke. He agrees, and the two say a sad goodbye. Lulu and Valerie lay (almost) everything on the table, eventually coming to an uneasy truce. Jordan lets Dante know that she knows exactly what happened between him and Valerie, and it better not happen again. Sam wonders if Julian was being honest when he told Alexis he was out of the mob. Sonny wonders the same thing, asking Julian if he was involved in the recent theft of his shipment. Julian promises that the baby's death made him reevaluate his life, and he won't be doing anything illegal. It's unclear if he's telling the truth, but he's definitely working on something. Jordan wants Dante to bring Sonny in for questioning, hoping to stick him in a cell for a few hours and take advantage of his claustrophobia. Dante points out that that's stupid, and will earn the wrath of Ric, and also, come on, Jordan, you're better than that. Maxie and Nathan are still cute together but really, really need a plot.

Ten years ago, I was like, "Ew, Luke and Tracy." Now I'm like, "Aw, Luke and Tracy."

Dear Valerie: What Chandler said.

You, too, Dante. If I talked to my boss the way he talks to Jordan, I'd be in sooooo much trouble.

Alexis, I know she's your daughter, but telling Sam anything about your work breaks attorney-client privilege.

So Maxie went to Portland for, what, two days? Weird.

July 22nd, 2015

Luke agrees to let Michael tear down the Spencers' house and build the clinic in its place. Then he decides to go out with a bang and kill himself in the house. Laura gives Nikolas and Elizabeth, like, five chances to tell them who "Jake" really is. When they don't, she tells Nikolas she already knows. She has many, many good reasons they should share the news, but Nikolas manages to get her to agree to keep quiet because of families and ELQ and blah blah. Sam and Carly both become emotional over Jake's return and what it would have meant for Jason. Lucas has no answers for Carly on where Josslyn's kidney came from, so he suggests that Brad run some tests. Carly suggests that the two of them have a double wedding with her and Sonny, and it's not clear if she's serious or not. Brad finally tells Felix the secret he's been keeping, though we don't get to hear it. Felix urges him to tell the truth, so of course, Brad's impulse is to call the whole thing off. Sabrina does the friend thing with Tracy, encouraging her to become a new person.

Can we please have a final Alexis/Luke scene? I need one last "Natasha."

When Michael asked Luke if Carly knew what happened with Lucky and Ethan, I realized for literally the first time that Carly and Ethan are cousins.

I'm a huge fan of Laura's method of trying to get the truth out of someone.

Those children's books at Wyndemere are from when Rocco lived there (as Ben), right? Because they can't be Spencer's. You can't tell me he ever read anything other than Tolstoy.

Parents of children who have half-siblings, please take a lesson from Sam on how to treat those half-siblings and encourage a relationship between them and your own children.

July 23rd, 2015

Tim's ghost urges Luke to kill himself, but Patricia and Lena's ghosts talk him out of it. Lena promises that she forgives him, and encourages him to figure out who he is without all his demons. While Lulu tells Maxie that Dante and Valerie kissed, Dante tells Nathan the whole story, swearing him to secrecy. Bobbie also learns of the kiss and tells Valerie she can confide in her whenever she needs. Brad reveals that he can't marry Lucas because he's already married. They're interrupted before he can name his spouse. Michael and Sabrina take their cuteness to the boathouse.

Now I want one last Luke/Carly scene, too, with a "Caroline."

Oh, Maxie's going to be thrilled when she inevitably finds out that Nathan's keeping a secret from him.

Lucas was worried that Brad would cheat on him one day? How is that a healthy relationship?

What is it about the boathouse that makes everyone want to get it on there?

July 24th, 2015

Luke tells Bobbie he's going to leave town to find himself. He has a conversation with his younger self, now hopeful about his future. Ric uses a crib and a doll with its eyes X'd out to convince Nina that she kidnapped Avery and blocked it out. Once Madeline hears the news, she sends Nathan to see Nina, and he finds Avery's blanket. Franco gets Ava to admit that she's fooling around with Morgan, then tells her he's going to break the news to Kiki. Scott tells Laura that if there are any secrets she'd like to unburden on him, he's all ears (except for that piece Luke bit off – thanks, I'm here all week!). Madeline isn't pleased with Nathan's choice of girlfriend. Morgan and Kiki talk but it's not interesting or important.

I really like the actor who plays the younger version of Luke. So I have an idea of how they can keep him around. Bill and Luke look alike. Jenny is Bill's sister. Jenny was married to Paul. Say they have a teenaged son together. Bingo! Dillon gets a brother, and we keep the actor.

Congratulations, show – you made me feel bad for Nina.

So it only took Ric three tries to get Nina to believe she kidnapped Avery, but they drag out the Jason reveal for a whole year? How is that fair?

I wonder what would happen if Laura did tell Scott about Jason? Probably nothing. I can't see him doing anything with the information.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): There wasn't a ton of funny stuff this week
Funniest moment (unintentional): Franco: "What kind of a mother hurts her daughter like that?" Cut to Madeline
Saddest moments: Tracy hasn't had fun for a year; Bobbie not wanting Luke to leave
Sweetest/cutest moment: Bobbie trying to be supportive of Valerie
Least believable moment: Maxie only went to Portland for a couple days
Best instance of continuity: Brad got his job through unethical means
Worst instance of continuity: Franco kept referring to "yesterday" while talking about events that supposedly happened multiple days ago
Hero of the week: Lena's ghost
Most annoying character: N/A
Smartest character: N/A
Dumbest character: N/A
Unanswered question of the week: Who is Brad married to?

The week in a nutshell:

July 27th, 2015

After saying goodbye to Sonny and Lulu, Luke leaves town. Ric manages to keep Nathan from taking the baby blanket or Nina to the police station, though Nina thinks he can help her. Franco wants to tell Kiki about Ava and Morgan fooling around, but he decides to keep his mouth shut. Maxie and Madeline snipe at each other, and when Madeline complains to Nathan, he basically says she deserved it. Dillon and Morgan randomly talk about relationships and faithfulness. Laura is much gentler toward Dante than I would be if he cheated on my daughter. Dillon suggests that he and Valerie go out so people will get the hint that she doesn't want Dante (and, apparently, so Dillon can distract himself from thoughts of Lulu).

Farewell, Tony Geary. Thank you for complaining about the writing before you left. We fans appreciate knowing that we're not the only ones upset about some recent developments.

Yeah, I didn't need a final Luke/Lulu scene. I needed a final Luke/Laura scene. Flashbacks would have been nice, too.

It makes me laugh that Ric's coming across as not wanting to give Nathan the blanket because it would incriminate Nina, when the reality is that it would incriminate Ric (since they wouldn't find Avery's DNA on it).

I'd really like for Mac and Felicia to meet Madeline and tear into her.

Who goes to a bar to work on a screenplay? Hipster screenwriters are supposed to hang out in coffee shops, Dillon.

July 28th, 2015

Ava does an excellent job convincing Nina to ditch Ric and get back together with Franco. She pulls from her own experiences with Morgan to talk about being with the person you really love. Meanwhile, Franco threatens to kill Morgan if he doesn't stay away from Ava. Dillon and Valerie tell Lulu and Dante that they're going on a date. Dante seems neutral, but Lulu's supportive because Dillon could end up keeping Valerie's mind off of Dante. Silas decides to confess to Avery's kidnapping so Nina will be off the hook. When he goes to talk to Scott, he finds Franco trying to steal the recording again. Nathan tells Jordan about the blanket, plus his suspicions that Nina's being set up. He's on the right track to piecing it all together, as he thinks Ric married Nina for her money. Ric slams Madeline for directing Nathan toward the hotel room, and Madeline slams Ric for letting him see the blanket. He thinks they've done so well with their plan that Nina will end up confessing to the kidnapping. Kiki still wants Silas and "Denise" to hook up.

I'd love it if Ava accidentally ruined Ric and Madeline's plans without even knowing it.

Morgan, don't taunt the serial killer.

What's up with Silas' apartment? Has the kitchen always been where it is?

If a three-month-old unsolved case is considered "cold," there must be a lot of cold cases in Port Charles.

"I tried to think well of [Ric]." OH, JORDAN, NO.

July 29th, 2015

Franco accuses Silas of setting up Nina to take the blame for Avery's kidnapping so Ava can be free. Silas admits that he wants to confess to Scott so Nina will stop thinking she's crazy. Franco's upset to hear that Nina's so unstable. Ava and Morgan once again can't keep their clothes on, even as they kick themselves for not being able to stay away from each other. This time, though, Silas catches them. Nina tells Ric she's leaving him for Franco, so Ric tries to get her to change her mind by pointing out that their marriage precludes him from having to testify against her. He ups his game by playing the baby recording again to keep her reliant on him. Michael and Monica visit Jake, effectively ending Elizabeth's attempts to keep him from the Quartermaines. Later, Laura arrives and meets "Jake" for seemingly the first time. Sam tells Patrick that she feels like Elizabeth is hesitant to let Danny and Jake get to know each other. Patrick's skeptical that there's still Jason-related tension between them, so Sam tells him how Elizabeth manipulated Danny's DNA test to hold on to Jason. They agree that Elizabeth must be pretty ethical since she didn't keep quiet that long. (Irony! We get it.) Sam asks Patrick to talk to Elizabeth about letting their sons have a relationship. Sonny and Carly chat with Laura about Jake, and Carly catches on that Laura's acting strangely. Michael wonders if Nikolas knows who Jason really is. Another of Sonny's shipments is hit.

It appears that Lexi Ainsworth is coming back. Yay, I need Kristina to make trouble for Sonny!

It also appears that Michael Easton is on his way out. Of course, just when I started to like Silas.

I forgot how much Franco knew, so when he started talking about everything Silas has done, I thought he was just making some really good guesses. Wake up, Jenn.

Sam didn't tell the rest of the Elizabeth/Danny story (she might not know it) – that she waited to tell Jason that Danny was alive until after he'd signed divorce papers.

Elton? Wow, there's a blast from the past.

Michael Corinthos, making the Hayden/Nikolas connection! Give yourself a gold star.

June 30th, 2015

Laura makes some very pointed comments about Jason and Elizabeth that Elizabeth somehow doesn't pick up on. Patrick urges her to let Sam introduce Danny to Jake, and Laura and Jason back him up. Elizabeth has no choice but to give in. Once they're alone, Laura finally admits that she knows Elizabeth's secrets. Silas informs Ava that he's going to confess to kidnapping Avery so Nina will be off the hook. He's willing to go to prison for kidnapping Avery, and he's definitely willing to out Ava and Morgan for hurting Kiki. While Ric takes Nina to Shadybrook, Franco accuses Madeline of doing exactly what she and Ric have been doing. He rushes to Shadybrook to catch up with Nina, but he's not fast enough to stop her from committing herself. Scott bugs Nikolas to tell him the secret Laura was going to tell him. Nikolas pretends he doesn't know it, so Scott guesses he won't mind if Scott talks to Laura about it again. Nikolas slowly loses control of the conversation, leading Scott to guess that he's involved in whatever's going on.

Okay, seriously, why do people dislike Laura? She's the best.

How did Elizabeth not catch on that Laura knows about Jason? (Also, maybe Nikolas should have warned her?)

I'll admit, I laughed when Elizabeth said it would be funny if they got Jake and Danny in the same room and neither talked.

Nikolas, your poker face is getting worse and worse.

July 31st, 2015

Morgan's determined to keep Silas from telling Kiki anything, but Ava wants him to keep his head. After some time apart, Ava returns home shaken, and an edgy Morgan goes to the Metro Court. Franco assures Nina that she's not crazy, then tells her everything about Silas and Ava. Furious, Nina leaves Shadybrook, and Franco later finds her at Silas' apartment, kneeling over him with a knife. Laura tells Elizabeth that she's decided to tell Jason who he is. Elizabeth begs her not to, coming up with all sorts of reasons why she should stay quiet. Nothing works until Elizabeth reveals that she thinks Nikolas had Hayden shot. If Jason's identity comes out, the police might reopen the case and discover that Shawn wasn't the shooter. Jason tells Sam that Michael wondered if Nikolas knows who he is. Sam's hesitant to believe that he would keep quiet for so long, but Jason points out that his ethics went out the window a while ago. He confesses that he wants to know who he is. Patrick makes that a possibility by sharing that Hayden appears to be waking up. Michael taunts that he's going to find out Nikolas' secrets and exploit them to get ELQ back.

If Nina hurt Silas, at least she has the excuse of being a psych patient.

Oh, hey, Elizabeth's smarter than I thought! I mean, she's still a moron, but it's something.

Jason and Sam are starting to pull at a good thread: What's so important about Jason's identity that Nikolas would keep quiet?

Guess who got a contract? Some hints: Her initials are R.B. and her character's name rhymes with Maiden Darns. Also, she's about to come out of a coma and she knows lots of secrets.

Left town: Luke Spencer

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Madeline: "Your girlfriend was horrible to me while you were gone." Maxie: "And I wasn't even done"; Sonny's reaction when Carly mentioned "Jake"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Jason high-fiving Monica
Saddest moment: Nina dreading being committed again
Sweetest/cutest moment: Franco and Nina (I'm not made of stone, people)
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instances of continuity: Maxie spent some time in Pentonville; this isn't the first time Elizabeth has done something drastic to hold on to Jason; Elton!
Worst instance of continuity: Lulu and Dillon keep insisting that they've only ever been friends and stepsiblings, as if they never slept together
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Elizabeth
Smartest characters: Nathan, Michael, Franco
Dumbest characters: Morgan, Ava

The week in a nutshell:

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