General Hospital blog - July, 2016

July 1st, 2016

Anna talks Alexis into luring Julian back to the house and wearing a wire on him. Alexis apologizes for defending Julian when Anna accused him of putting the hit on Duke, and admits that she blames herself for things Julian's done because she didn't rein him in. Franco asks Heather for background information on Elizabeth, but instead gets an offer of Heather's money. Turns out she has a stash of $1.5 million given to her by someone who wanted her to keep a secret. That secret happens to be about Elizabeth, but we'll have to wait until another day to hear it. Mayes talks to Elizabeth about how horrible his elderly patient has it and how awful it is to see someone in pain, just feeding my theory that he's the hospital killer. However, later Elizabeth finds him unconscious and near death. After taking a few days to process the truth about his paternity, T.J. tells Jordan that he knows Shawn's his father. She won't apologize for her decisions and says she'd make the same moves if given another chance. T.J. then goes to Curtis, who tells him to be a man and work things out with his mother. Hayden manages to get Finn's medication from the hospital and give him an injection in lockup. Also, they're totally going to get together, don't you think? Seriously, Nina and Julian, just have sex already.

I need Anna and Alexis to team up more often, because imagine the power they could wield together.

The person who paid for Heather's silence taught her how to invest the money, which makes me think it was Raymond Berlin. Maybe he paid her to keep quiet about Elizabeth being Naomi's daughter? (Yes, I'm still on the theory that Elizabeth and Hayden are sisters.)

I still think Mayes is the killer, and that his condition is a red herring. Maybe Franco figured it out and killed him to save the patient?

I liked that little scene where Jordan told Valerie she did the right thing by letting Finn treat Teddy before she arrested him. I didn't think about the possibility that Valerie would get in trouble. I liked that Jordan basically said that Teddy's life was more important than the law at that moment.

Which institution has the worse emergency response, GH or the PCPD? Discuss.

Arrested: Hamilton Finn

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Tracy's "you wanna go, little boy?" face after Michael called her frail
Funniest moment (unintentional): Finn ignoring Obrecht's protests and just continuing to question Sabrina as if nothing happened
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Hayden tending to Finn was pretty sweet
Least believable moment: If Julian won't say anything about killing Carlos, what makes Anna think a wire will be more successful than a cell phone recording?
Best instances of continuity: Nikolas had amnesia once; Franco has mentioned civil suits against him before
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Finn (with assists from Felix, Valerie, and Monica)
Most annoying character: JULIAN
Smartest character: Julian, as much as I hate to say it
Dumbest character: The hospital killer – now Finn will be off the hook
Inside joke: Heather basically compared Jeff Webber to MacGyver
Unanswered question of the week: Who gave Heather $1.5 million?

The week in a nutshell:

July 5th, 2016

Maxie interviews and hires a graphic designer named C.J., then tells Dillon she'd like to set them up. Nathan gets a call summoning him to the Metro Court and thinks Maxie's arranging a rendezvous. He's very wrong, as C.J. is the summoner...and the C in C.J. stands for Claudette. Dr. Mayes is dead, and the hospital killer is suspected of murdering him. The good news is that this means Finn is in the clear, and Tracy's able to get him bailed out of lockup. But Finn's day goes downhill when he learns that his supplier no longer wants to give him his medication, and Tracy learns that all of his research at the hospital has been destroyed. Jason and Sam, who didn't go back to Port Charles after all, realize that Nikolas and Ava probably went to Cassadine Island. They're correct, and Ava and Nikolas might not be alone on the island (even before Sam and Jason arrive). Nikolas calls Spencer to tell him someone will be coming to get him soon. Laura and Kevin overhear Spencer's half of the conversation, but he covers by saying he likes to call Nikolas' voicemail to hear his father's voice. Kiki tries not to think about Dillon while she's with Morgan. Obrecht offers to give Franco an alibi for the time around Mayes' death, but Franco wonders if she's the one who really needs an alibi. The two of them try to point fingers at Griffin, because why wouldn't a priest be a murder suspect?

Why did they have Sam say she was leaving England and then not leave? Where did she spend the past however many hours?

If you really want a laugh, imagine how much Helena would haaaaaate Ava.

Ava, stop showing concern for other people's children. It's weird.

I CANNOT take Nick Stabile anymore. Molly Burnett, however, is completely fine.

For the record, Griffin was still at the Nurses' Ball when Lucas was injected, so he should probably be off the suspect list. Not that anyone had him on there other than Obrecht, because everyone else is sane.

July 6th, 2016

While Anna, Jordan, and Paul listen through the wire, Alexis manages to get Julian to admit to killing Carlos and ordering the hit on Duke. Also, he's had the dagger stolen from police evidence, so they can arrest him for that, too. Alexis' only misstep is literally keeping Julian at arm's length when he tries to hug her, making him suspicious. Claudette claims she didn't know Nathan lived in Port Charles before she came to town, but he doesn't believe her. She also claims that she's only there to try to make peace before she starts working with Maxie. Nathan refuses and tells her she needs to go away immediately. He leaves to make travel arrangements, and when he returns, Maxie's there. Sam and Jason surprise Nikolas and Ava, snapping a proof-of-life photo to send to the police. Since cell reception on the island is spotty, the text hasn't gone through yet. But they're not going anywhere anyway, since there's a big storm moving in, so the four prepare for the world's tensest sleepover. Carly and Sonny are basically the filler of the episode, but at least Avery's a cutie.

Why didn't Anna and Jordan give Alexis a code word in case she needed immediate extraction?

I think this is the first time we've heard that Stefan was gone for two years of Nikolas' childhood. I wonder if that's significant.

That Jason, always coming in the side door.

Oh, prop master. That's not how you spell "duchess."

July 7th, 2016

As soon as Julian leaves the room, Alexis uses the wire to desperately tell Anna that she's done with her part of the plan and needs to leave. Julian uses the time apart to figure out that Alexis is wearing a wire, find out about the surveillance fan, have it disabled, and pocket the dagger. Then he holds his wife at dagger-point and takes her to the docks to kill her the way he killed Carlos. Maxie immediately grows suspicious of Claudette's motives, but when Nathan tries again to get Claudette to leave town, Maxie invites her to stay. Once she and Nathan are alone, she tells him that she knows exactly how women like Claudette operate, since she used to be one of them. Maxie thinks Claudette is a danger to Nathan's freedom, so they need to find a way to outmaneuver her without tipping her off. Kristina sleeps with Aaron, who gets uneasy when she says Parker's name in her sleep. He urges Kristina to tell him everything about the relationship. For some reason, Nina tells Curtis that she basically holds Julian's freedom in her hands. He tells her not to be an idiot and get involved with such a sleaze. She then offers him a job, though she won't tell him what it is.

Is William DeVry leaving? I can't imagine a way they could justify keeping him, unless they go with a brain tumor or give him a non-evil twin.

Wasn't the surveillance fan just a couple blocks from the house? Why didn't Anna, Jordan, and Paul just run?

"It's after midnight on July 4th, which means it's technically July 5th." Very good, Paul! Next we'll cover shapes. Why were you in this episode anyway?

Let's be honest, Nina: Putting Curtis on the cover would sell a lot more copies than using Julian.

July 8th, 2016

Alexis tries to get Julian to back off by reminding him about the baby, but he's pretty sure that was a lie. Just as he's about to kill her, Sonny shows up, having been tipped off by Anna that Julian had grabbed Alexis. The men fight for a little while before Julian's accusation of his wife stabbing him in the back becomes literal. Sonny tells the police he stabbed Julian, like it matters, and assures Alexis that her husband won't be a problem anymore. Molly has so far managed not to say "I told you so" to Alexis. Laura's more suspicious of Spencer than ever, and discovers, with Kevin's help, that he has two cell phones. She finds it interesting that the one he keeps calling to leave voicemails for Nikolas has also called him back. Nikolas taunts Sam and Jason for coming back to the island after Helena's curse, which isn't the way to go about trying to convince them to let him go. He takes advantage of a power outage to grab his phone and make a run for it. He makes it to the wine cellar but doesn't get any farther before getting knocked out. Jason finally realizes that there must be someone else in the house. Sonny finds Theresa Adams (now going by Ramona Danvers) and forces her to meet with Carly. Carly's now hesitant to dig deeper, since Jax doesn't think anything good will come of it, but she can't keep herself from asking questions. Ramona admits to participating in an organ ring, but Josslyn's kidney came from a different contact – an older, blond, rich, cold woman. That's right, it was Monica. Oh, of course not – it was Helena. Carly thinks this means she's hit a dead end, but Ramona is actually a big, fat liar, and doing someone else's bidding. Aaron tells Kristina that she doesn't have to open up about Parker right now if she's not ready. She tells him a little about what happened but gets interrupted before she can spill anything big. Later, Aaron tries to comfort her while she worries about Alexis.

Again with Sonny needlessly taking the blame for someone else.

Kevin: "Pretty swag." Me: "Please don't."

Did Carly Google a picture of Helena, or does she have one on her phone? I hope it's the second, just for laughs.

I hope Aaron is as great as he comes across. Kristina deserves someone like him.

Arrested, I think: Julian Jerome
Dead: Dr. Mayes
Hospitalized: Julian Jerome
New in town: Claudette Beaulieu

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Jordan: "How does she not punch him in the face?" Anna: "Right?"; Kristina telling Molly that drinking alcohol would set off a psychic alarm and make Alexis come home
Funniest moment (unintentional): I'm pretty sure the girl playing Avery said, "I want Ava," meaning her sister, but since it came right after she was saying "Mommy," it sounded like Avery calls her mother by her first name
Saddest moment: Molly worrying about Alexis
Sweetest/cutest moment: AVERY
Least believable moment: Seriously, no one thought Alexis might be in danger?
Best instances of continuity: Kiki has worn a flag bikini before; Kiki has stopped drinking; Maxie's history with Lucky
Worst instance of continuity: Isn't it the middle of the night? Why are so many people awake? Why are so many people at the Metro Court restaurant?
Hero of the week: Sonny
Most annoying character: Obrecht
Smartest characters: Maxie and Nathan, for not believing anything Claudette says; Kevin and Laura, for finally outsmarting an 11-year-old
Dumbest characters: Anna and Jordan, for not arranging some kind of protection for Alexis
Inside joke: Obrecht calling Griffin the Angel of Death might count, since he played an angel on Supernatural
Unanswered question of the week: I could have sworn I included this before, but apparently not, so: Who arranged Josslyn's transplant?

The week in a nutshell:

July 11th, 2016

Ava finds Helena's journal and reads her last entry, written just before her death. She mentions that she thinks she's being poisoned and that Nikolas is responsible. Ava's like, "Cool, we're both killers! Wanna make out?" But it's just a ruse so she can grab the diamonds he's been hiding in his pants (not a euphemism). Laura calls the number on Spencer's phone, alerting Sam and Jason to the fact that Nikolas has stolen his phone back. Jason and Laura can't hear each other, so Laura demands again that Spencer tell her who he's been calling. He finally tells the truth, and Laura realizes that Nikolas faking his death makes a lot of sense. Jason and Sam take steps to keep Nikolas and Ava from running away but soon get distracted by the possibility of someone else being in the house. There's definitely a fifth party there, a man who says he's a fisherman named Theo. He's not thrilled to be in the house, and Jason doesn't completely trust him, but they let him ride out the storm with them. They're losing their touch at being observant, though, as they don't notice that Theo has a tattoo of the Cassadine crest on his arm. Hayden offers to use her old pharmaceutical connections to help Finn get his medication. He's very adamant that she leave him alone and stop trying to ease her guilty conscience. Tracy's able to help a little, informing Finn that he's been reinstated at the hospital, so at least now he can have lab access again. Hayden later goes to Tracy to fill her in on what's going on with their mutual friend. Carly ends up chatting with Nina and tells her about the mystery she's trying to solve. Nina suggests that they run a story about Josslyn's mystery donor in Crimson to get the story out nationally. Sabrina and Michael want to put off figuring out their relationship, but then they kiss, like, 30 minutes later, so whatever. Also, she wants to be a nurse again.

Okay, seriously, it's at least 2 a.m. in Port Charles, which means it's at least 9 a.m. in Greece. This is ridiculous.

I like that Theo is played by the actor who played Supernatural's Dick Roman, but his hat and facial hair make him look like Benny the vampirate.

Theo is rumored to really be Valentin Cassadine, and my first thought was that he's Nathan's father, but I don't know. He's ten years younger than Kathleen Gati and would have had to be pretty young when Nathan was conceived. But I'll throw the possibility out there in case it turns out to be true.

Aw, man, Nikolas has the diamonds? There goes my theory that Spencer gave them to Emma. On the other hand, we got a nice (though predictable) "family jewels" joke.

Carly and Nina? Uh, okay.

July 12th, 2016

Laura tells Lulu that Nikolas is alive, and though she's hesitant to involve the authorities, they end up telling Dante. He reluctantly agrees to join them in a trip to Greece to see if that's where Nikolas is hiding out. Anna taunts Julian in his hospital bed, pointing out that she's a free woman and he'll be going to prison and losing his family's support. She adds that he's always thought of himself as another Sonny, but Sonny would never let Carly take the fall for a crime he committed. Now that she feels a little closure, Anna announces that she's spending the rest of the summer in California. Griffin is also there but I don't care. Tracy easily agrees to help Hayden help Finn, which may involve the women being drug mules. Jason is suspicious of the timing of Theo's arrival at the house. Theo seems really interested in meeting Nikolas, who has no memory of meeting him as a teenager. Ava bugs Nikolas about his motives for running away, but all he'll say is that he did something that could land him in jail. She, of course, gets what it's like to make mistakes you regret later.

I can't wait for Laura, Lulu, and Dante to show up in Greece and make Nikolas realize he's been busted five times over.

Who let Griffin operate on the man who had his father killed?

Time for Tracy and Hayden's Unholy Alliance, Part 2: Electric Finnaloo.

Since nothing else is going on in that house, the writers should give us a Cassadine history lesson.

Nice try, show, but I will never feel sorry for Ava for screwing up her own life.

July 13th, 2016

Hayden changes her mind about breaking any laws to help Finn, who's increasingly desperate over his shrinking stash of medication. Tracy decides to go alone, but Finn won't tell her what the medication is or where it comes from. He doesn't think she's healthy enough to travel and won't let her subcontract the job to anyone else. Hayden secretly snags information about the drug from Finn's hotel room and has an idea of someone who can help them get it. As soon as Nina learns who her newest hire is, she fires her. Maxie convinces her to keep Claudette on so she and Nathan can keep an eye on her. Part of that involves Maxie getting Nathan to take Claudette to lunch. Sonny checks in on Alexis, who's struggling with feeling guilty for not turning in Julian sooner. Sonny praises her for beating him in the end. Then she spends some time looking at a calendar, which is apparently significant. Franco wants to sign Jake up for an art camp, but Elizabeth thinks he's overstepping his bounds and getting too involved in her life. She asks Epiphany to arrange their schedules so they're never at the hospital at the same time. Franco overhears Elizabeth saying she wants to avoid him and corners her in a stopped elevator. Nina wants Curtis to investigate possible subjects for magazine articles. Curtis volunteers to do a little digging into Claudette's past at the same time. Griffin is also there again but doesn't do anything interesting.

When did Maxie become an HR expert? And why wasn't she one last week when she asked Claudette personal questions in her interview, which is a big no-no?

Just a few weeks ago, Sonny told Alexis she was dead to him. Now he's saving her life and checking up on her. What a world.

Since I can't think of any other reason we would see a woman looking at a calendar on a soap, does this mean Alexis really is pregnant?

You know who should really get the "I told you so" about Julian? Molly.

Jake doesn't need financial aid – he has a super-rich father.

Franco: "I'm through being nice." Me: "Epiphany, now would be a good time to call the police."

July 14th, 2016

Maxie nabs Claudette's room key and snoops to find out why she's really in town. Curtis shows up to investigate on Nina's behalf and the two realize they're on the same side. Curtis thinks Maxie wants to keep her new enemy close because she's worried about holding on to her fiancé. Franco thinks Elizabeth doesn't trust him, but she admits that she doesn't trust herself – she has feelings for him and doesn't want to add him to her horrible track record with men. Once they've both admitted to liking each other, the tension between them goes away and she promises to stop trying to avoid him. When they're freed from the elevator, Elizabeth claims it stopped on its own. Nathan decides he wants to find Claudette's ex and finally get closure on the shooting. Just as Kristina tells Aaron and Molly that she's ready to put Parker behind her and really move on, Molly discovers that Parker will be back in town soon. Valerie and Griffin chat about the hospital killer, specifically about whether it could be Franco. Griffin believes that people can change, but Valerie maintains a healthy skepticism. Molly and Curtis both encourage T.J. to make up with Jordan. He does, and it's nice, and maybe that storyline will finally be over. Sonny's really impressed with Aaron, so he really, really better be as great as he seems. Carly already has a lead on Josslyn's possible donor. Curtis tells Jordan he doesn't want to be a cop again after all.

I imagine that Claudette has met Madeline at least once, and that makes me really nervous.

"If a guy like me could have a friend like you..." Because Elizabeth is someone you want on your team?

Nothing against everyone wanting T.J. to make up with Jordan, but he just found out that his mother lied to him for 20 years. He gets to be mad.

Kristina, seriously, shut up about Molly's sex life.

July 15th, 2016

Kevin tracks Laura, Lulu, and Dante down in Greece, bringing Laura a letter from "Lloyd and Lucy" containing sand and a picture of the Ice Princess. Laura thinks she's being dared to go back to Cassadine Island, the place where her involvement with the Cassadines began. Kevin wonders if it's a coincidence that the so-called dare is coming exactly as she's on her way there anyway. On the island, Nikolas picks a fight with Jason, now refusing to go back to the States without a struggle. Ava convinces him to do the right thing because he's not really a criminal. As soon as the rest of the Port Charles visitors arrive and Laura and Lulu have reunited with Nikolas, the group starts to leave but is stopped by Theo and his gun. Maxie and Curtis' search only turns up Claudette and Nathan's wedding picture, which makes Maxie realize that Claudette isn't over her ex. Curtis somehow gets inspired to question Griffin about his secret priest life and reasons for leaving the priesthood. Morgan and Kiki run into Darby, who happens to be on a date with Dillon. Kiki warns Dillon that Darby is an awful person, but she just comes off as looking jealous. Darby quickly decides that she doesn't want to get involved with another of Kiki's guys and tells Dillon they won't be going on a second date. Dillon kisses her to try to convince her that he's over Kiki. Claudette refuses to give Nathan the name of her ex.

OF COURSE it's the Ice Princess. It's always the freaking Ice Princess.

I'm glad James Patrick Stuart gets to drop the Greek accent. That would have been annoying to have to keep up.

Why do people keep mentioning that Griffin has been cleared? Are we supposed to think he shouldn't have been?

"My good friend Valerie Spencer"? Oh, Curtis.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Alexis: "Come on, say it. 'I told you so.' Go ahead, have at it." Sonny: "Well, it's no fun when someone's asking you to"
Funniest moments (unintentional): Nikolas' very casual "she died on that bed"; Maxie's fake-excited face
Saddest moment: Jordan worrying about T.J. never forgiving her
Sweetest/cutest moment: Sonny being so nice to Alexis
Least believable moment: I can buy Kevin figuring out on his own that Laura went to Greece, but turning up at her exact hotel? No
Best instance of continuity: Chupacabras
Worst instance of continuity: T.J. didn't cheat on Molly – they were broken up when he slept with Taylor
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Nikolas
Smartest character: Curtis, it looks like
Dumbest character: Nikolas

The week in a nutshell:

July 18th, 2016

Theo separates Sam and Jason from the rest of his hostages, making it clear that if anyone makes a wrong move, someone will be shot (but not Nikolas). While the Morgans try to figure out whether Theo's aligned with anyone, and Jason wonders if he's been to the island before, Theo reveals his tattoo his other "guests." Nikolas figures out who he is, and Theo confirms it – he's Mikkos' long-lost not-dead illegitimate son, Valentin. Molly and Kristina try to pamper Alexis, who just wants to be alone so she can take a pregnancy test. She advises her daughters to follow their instincts when it comes to relationship and run, not walk, if they ever feel something isn't right. Kristina finds her pregnancy test, and Alexis ends up admitting that she might be pregnant. Hayden summons Naomi back to town to ask if she has any connections who can get Finn's medication. Naomi first asks for compensation, then agrees to help because she can see that Hayden really wants to make things up to Finn. However, her connection says the drug is highly addictive, making Naomi think that Finn is just an addict. Meanwhile, Finn runs into Sonny and asks if he can help get access to his medication. Sonny doesn't like to deal with drugs, of course, but he may be able to help. Lucas tears into Julian for being a bad guy all along, cutting his father out of his life. Olivia is equally furious and vows to keep Leo from his father. Both declare Julian dead to them, ignoring him when he insists that he'll get himself out of this.

I think we'll look back on this episode and recognize that Valentin's first mistake was not tying Sam up.

If Alexis is pregnant, could we see an abortion storyline? I bet Nancy Lee Grahn would do it.

Ah, yes, I remember the day I had to ask my mom about her illegal drug connections.

Sonny, seriously, please give Finn Robin's number.

July 19th, 2016

Valentin demands that Nikolas sign over all his properties and holdings, since poor little orphan Val didn't get the pleasure of growing up rich like his nephew. When Nikolas hesitates, Valentin threatens to start shooting hostages, namely Ava. After Nikolas signs the papers, Valentin decides to do some shooting anyway. The two Cassadine men fight, the gun goes off, Nikolas is possibly shot, and somehow he manages to fall over a railing and off a balcony. Meanwhile, Laura teaches the remaining hostages how to escape the house through underground tunnels. Diane worries that Alexis still has lingering feelings for her murderous husband, but Alexis (who, by the way, isn't pregnant) assures her that she's more than ready to see Julian sent to prison. Julian's supposed to be arraigned, and Griffin doesn't bother hiding his satisfaction. After a visit from a henchman, Julian suffers some sort of heart episode that means his arraignment will have to be postponed. Jordan never bothered to tell Andre about T.J.'s real paternity, so he's a little upset to learn that she handled the whole revelation and fallout without involving him. For some reason, Jordan doesn't understand why she should be expected to tell her boyfriend anything about her personal life. Nina asks Curtis to stop his Claudette investigation at Nathan's request. Next she tries to ask him out, not realizing that he's already in a relationship with Valerie.

A balcony AGAIN? I bet he held on to the side.

Thank you, Laura, for inadvertently explaining why Nikolas tried to escape through the wine cellar a couple weeks ago.

Who's letting random people into a prisoner's hospital room?

What was the point of Alexis possibly being pregnant if they were just going to drop it? What a waste.

I hate to bring it up, Alexis, but Julian isn't the first psychopath you got involved with.

"If you had children, you'd understand." How long till we find out Andre has a secret child? I mean, I assume that's who he called at the end of the episode.

Is this plastic-surgeon storyline going somewhere?

July 20th, 2016

Carlos' ghost is back to taunt Julian for taking too much of whatever he took to give himself a setback. He urges Julian to try killing Alexis again, because somehow that will make everything good. Alexis comes by to drop off divorce papers and overhears Julian mumbling about how much he loves her. Carly questions Kiki's intentions with Morgan, then questions Dillon about whether he and Kiki are really through. Dillon's definitely with Darby, and Kiki and Morgan have rekindled things in bed, so Carly thinks everything's going to work out fine. Sonny wishes she would just stop meddling in her kids' personal lives. Kristina tells Alexis she has no desire to see Parker while she's in town. Two minutes later, she's at Parker's hotel room for a closure conversation. When Kristina realizes that Parker's taken off her wedding ring, Parker admits that her marriage is over. Suddenly Kristina's less interested in closure and more interested in finding out what Parker's like in bed. Sabrina wants to find her own apartment, worrying that living with Michael will make things too complicated. Michael's ready to jump right back into things and create a future with her and Teddy. So they're definitely back together and happy, at least until Sabrina gets a visit from someone who looks exactly like Carlos.

For once, I agree with Julian on something: Carlos needs to go away. He also needs to realize that killing Alexis wouldn't keep Julian out of prison. Getting rid of her doesn't get rid of the evidence.

Here's hoping Morgan and Kiki are using, like, eight kinds of birth control.

Good thing we don't have to worry about Parker getting Kristina pregnant. Otherwise this would be perfect timing for a pregnancy and paternity mystery.

I AM NOT DOING ANOTHER LONG-LOST TWIN STORYLINE. It's statistically impossible for this many people in the same small town to have identical twins.

Sonny, leave Felix alone. He doesn't get paid enough to deal with you. Felix, next time call Epiphany to make him go away.

July 21st, 2016

Scott asks Lucy for a job, but she's broke, thanks to Raymond Berlin. Naomi's still in town, so they bully her a little about her husband's activities. Franco joins them and offers to buy everyone dinner now that he's rich. When Naomi hears that his money came from Heather, she has a panic attack and passes out. At the hospital, Elizabeth is her nurse, and Naomi asks for some details about her life. She has another panic attack when she hears Elizabeth's father's name. She urges Hayden to try to get along with Elizabeth, then talks to herself about how Hayden's father isn't really her father, so I think it's safe to say that Jeff Webber has a third daughter. Carlos' twin really is his twin, Joe, a pediatric surgeon who feels bad that he never steered his brother to a life away from crime. Also, he and Sabrina used to date, so we're probably looking at another love triangle with the two of them and Michael. Carly meets with a woman named Wendy who thinks she was Josslyn's donor. She quickly realizes that Wendy wants money but still thinks Wendy's being truthful. She's not, since she and Josslyn don't have the same blood type, so that was a waste of time. Franco offers Elizabeth money to send all her kids to camp, but she declines it (and that's even before she finds out it's Heather's). He suggests that they go on a date, but she's not quite ready for that step. Ric pops up to call her on dumping him for lying and then turning right around and lying to Jason, but Elizabeth is somehow offended to be placed in the same category as her ex-husband. She also doesn't appreciate him talking bad about Franco, which is probably at least 50% of the reason she agrees to a date after all. Hayden confronts Finn over possibly being a drug addict, which, of course, he denies. Sonny then agrees to help Finn get his medication if he'll "take care" of Julian – and for once, he doesn't mean kill, he means actually take care of.

Are they going to do a storyline about Jeff Webber without Jeff Webber?

I have newfound respect for Jeffrey Vincent Parise. He's already managed to make Joe 100% different from Carlos.

Sabrina dated Joe, too, huh? Do we need to put her in the Slept With Siblings Club?

Y'all know I don't like Scott, and I can't stand him and Lucy as a couple, but they were funny together today.

Oooh, I've been waiting MONTHS for Ric to confront Elizabeth over her hypocrisy. Now we need a Ric/Jason face-off.

July 22nd, 2016

With Nikolas presumed dead, Ava offers to be the queen to Valentin's king. He falls for it, but she just wants him off his guard so she can try to knock him out and escape. Downstairs, the hostages who aren't MIA take advantage of Ava's distraction to send Lulu into the underground tunnels. Dante and Kevin take it a step farther by staging a fight. When Ava tells Laura that Nikolas may be dead, Laura goes rabid on Valentin, attacking him for complaining about being left out of the Cassadine family when he's really just like them. Valentin attempts to teach her a lesson with a bullet, but Kevin jumps in front of her and gets shot instead. Meanwhile, apparently Laura's 35-plus-year intel about the tunnels is no longer accurate, so Lulu's lost, and I don't think the skeleton she stumbles across will be able to give her directions. Kristina's blissfully happy the morning after her first night with Parker, but Parker's like, "Well, gotta go! See ya later!" Kristina thinks they should stop worrying about the future and just enjoy being together. Parker thinks she should spend more time thinking about her sexual identity and coming out to her family. As Kristina's trying to win her over with more kissing, Sonny spots them together. Kiki and Dillon agree that they can be friends again, and quickly get back to their old rhythm by messing with some frat guys. Tracy realizes that Dillon isn't going to want to settle for friendship. Kiki, however, is ready to return Morgan's "I love you." Julian asks for more heart-palpitating drugs, hoping to postpone his arraignment until Ava can come home and "use her influence" with Paul to help him out. For now, he's out of luck, and Finn is able to fulfill his end of his deal with Sonny by clearing Julian medically. Griffin notices yet again that something's off with Finn.

I think Ava believes she's in an episode of Game of Thrones. She probably thinks she's Cersei.

Thanks for standing around and doing nothing today, Dante.

I really need Parker to stop talking about Kristina's sexuality. It doesn't matter whether she's gay or bi or something else. It's her business. Let her worry about it.

Griffin needs something to do other than comment on how Finn is.

Back from the dead: Valentin Cassadine
Back in town: Naomi Dreyfus, Parker Forsyth
Back together: Michael Corinthos and Sabrina Santiago
Injured: Kevin Collins
New in town: Joe Rivera
Presumed dead YET AGAIN: Nikolas Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Valentin to Nikolas: "Are you through? I hope so. You are tedious"; Franco imitating Elizabeth, then saying, "You don't really sound like that"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Sam: "There are a bunch of guys downstairs with guns, and my husband's been handcuffed to a chair, but I'm tired, so I'mma take a nap"
Saddest moment: Laura thinking Nikolas is dead (again)
Sweetest/cutest moment: Alexis and Diane hugging
Least believable moments: Laura still remembers her way around the tunnels on Cassadine Island after 35 years; another identical twin
Best instance of continuity: Lila's Kids is on again
Worst instances of continuity: Carly, don't pretend you actually wanted to be a nurse; I guess we're pretending Josslyn was older than two at the time of her transplant, if Carly believes her kidney could have come from an adult
Hero of the week: Kevin
Most annoying character: Parker
Smartest character: Ava (I know! I can't believe it either!)
Dumbest characters: Wendy, who couldn't keep up her charade for more than three questions; Valentin, for only restraining Jason; Valentin's goons, for not realizing Lulu had escaped

The week in a nutshell:

July 25th, 2016

Dante manages to grab Valentin and get his gun, but has to release him so a guard doesn't shoot Ava. Dante suggests that Valentin keep him as the lone hostage and let everyone else go. Valentin knows that's a dumb plan, and he can't trust everyone to keep quiet about what happened on the island anyway. Also, killing everyone would be more fun. Dante and Ava then urge him to run away, promising to give him a head start. Underground, Lulu recognizes the skeleton's bracelet and earring and fears she's found Luke's body. A guard almost finds her, but she's able to knock him out and take his gun and phone. Just as Valentin's about to choose his next victim, Lulu returns to turn the tables. Franco double-checks with Elizabeth that they're really going to go on a date. Naomi's a little too interested in their relationship, but regrets it when Heather's name comes up and she has another panic attack. Franco goes to see his mother and return her money, though she's obviously not using it. He's surprised that she doesn't seem to have a problem with him dating Elizabeth. Later, Heather gets a visit from Naomi, who's been behind her hush-money payments over the year and wants to make sure she keeps her mouth shut about Elizabeth. Sonny confronts Kristina over her secret rendezvous and for not telling him Parker was a woman. Kristina thinks he won't be able to handle the fact that she could be gay, though it seems more like he's just upset that she didn't tell him herself. Finn and Hayden say the same stuff they always say for an hour.

The scenes of Lulu kicking butt and taking names are going to keep me going all week. She's really earning that "Screw-You Lulu" nickname.

Valentin went an entire episode without noticing that Lulu was gone. Jerry doesn't need to worry about Val being a threat to his title as Best Hostage-Taker Ever.

Hey, Dante finally did something helpful!

So Naomi has a panic attack whenever she hears Heather's name, but she's totally fine seeing her in person? Sure, okay. Also, I don't get what the secret is. Last week it sounded like Raymond isn't Hayden's father. Now it sounds like Naomi is Elizabeth's mother. Either way, I'm 99 percent sure this ends with Hayden and Elizabeth related to each other.

July 26th, 2016

Valentin threatens to shoot Laura to get Lulu to put down her gun, so there goes her upper hand. Upstairs, Sam inadvertently secures freedom for herself and Jason when she faints and Jason Hulk-smashes the chair he's handcuffed to. Now they have a gun and the element of surprise, which allows them to overtake the guards downstairs. Valentin manages to escape, and the hostages decide to get out of Dodge while they can. Lulu chooses to keep quiet about the skeleton. Sonny and Kristina hash everything out, but ultimately he's fine with whatever her sexuality is. However, he thinks Parker is wrong for her. Alexis agrees, as she runs into Parker and learns that she and Kristina spent the night together. Alexis pressures Parker to break off the relationship before it can get any more inappropriate and Kristina ends up heartbroken. Carly and Nina are just about to start bonding while looking for Josslyn's donor when Joss puts her foot down. She doesn't like having her privacy invaded and wants Carly to end the search. If Carly doesn't, Josslyn might go live with Jax. Carly asks Nina to take the information off of Crimson's website, but they'll secretly keep up the search on their own. Josslyn calls Jax and tells him that he was wrong, as Carly gave in. Julian tries to drug himself again so he can push back the arraignment some more, but Nina (who's there to make him sign over control of Crimson) accidentally breaks the only dose he has. Paul takes it upon himself to accompany Julian to court and make sure he can't try anything else funny. Paul warns Alexis that she could be disbarred for how she handled Carlos' case.

I can only think of two reasons a 30-something woman would pass out. The first means we get a storyline full of medical drama. The second means Danny gets a little brother or sister. I have $5 on that one.

My disdain for Parker is so strong that even though I don't think Alexis should meddle, I want Parker to listen to her.

Take a drink every time Kristina talks about what a great guy Aaron is.

Even if they don't admit the recording of Julian's confession, he's still a kidnapper and tried to kill Alexis, so...suck it up, Jerome.

July 27th, 2016

The hostages (minus Sam and Jason) take a break from finding a way off the island so Laura can perform surgery on Kevin. Ava complains a bunch and then talks about Nikolas a bunch. A woman named Daphne stumbles across the group and offers to help, but Ava thinks she's working with Valentin. Then everything shifts when Lulu recognizes Daphne's address as the one on the empty envelope she got from Helena. Maxie schemes to get Claudette fired by installing malware on her computer that corrupts her designs. The plan backfires when Claudette's malware protection recovers her work, then indicates that the virus came from Maxie. Claudette takes Nathan their wedding photo and tells him she didn't realize it was in her bag when she packed to come to town. She throws it away, claiming she's over him. He's totally convinced. Alexis panics about having to face Julian in court, but Diane gets her there. Julian makes Scott ask for bail on the condition that Julian be placed in Alexis' custody while he's out. Diane strongly objects, and Julian objects to her objection, swearing that he would never do anything to hurt his wife. It's a moot point anyway, since the judge agrees with Paul that Julian's a flight risk and should stay in jail. Julian's fine with this, since he knew he wouldn't get bail – he's just happy that Alexis seems to still care about him.

Ooooh, they're finally going to figure out the envelope thing! I definitely didn't expect that.

Ava, Lulu fully does not care why you and Nikolas were together. Really, no one cares about anything you have to say right now. Just stop talking.

Spinelli, please stop enabling Maxie.

You don't have to be so dramatic, Claudette. That was a perfectly good picture frame.

I wish Molly and Kristina had been at the courthouse to support Alexis. Don't show us how close the Davis girls are and then don't have them be there for each other.

July 28th, 2016

The former hostages are all reunited, and guess what: Sam and Jason found a plane! And Jason apparently knows how to fly it! What luck! After getting some antibiotics from Daphne, everyone boards, leaving behind the skeleton, whatever Lulu was supposed to find in Daphne's house, and either Nikolas or his corpse. The plane starts losing fuel, making Jason think it was part of a setup to force a crash if they managed to escape Valentin. Sonny's upset with Alexis for not telling him the truth about Parker. Alexis won't apologize, so good for her. Kristina starts to tell Aaron what happened with Parker, but stops when she gets a goodbye/breakup letter from the professor. Her parents come by and comfort her, keeping it to themselves that Alexis pressed Parker to break things off. Kristina finally tells Aaron everything she's been keeping from him, hoping they can still be friends. He doesn't react well. Maxie's forced to admit her schemes, though she pulls Nina into it by announcing that she got Curtis to investigate Claudette. Claudette plays martyr, saying the magazine will suffer if she and Maxie both work there, so she'll leave. Nina's unhappy with Maxie's methods but can't argue with the result. Maxie, however, realizes that there's no need to chase Claudette off, since she trusts Nathan. Claudette has already gone running to Nathan to tell him she's leaving town (or at least that's what she claims. I like to think she was lying and Nathan accidentally called her bluff when he offered to drive her to the airport). Kevin is totally in love with Laura, and I look forward to that playing out.

I'm so done with this Greece plotline. Let them all go home already! Also, make Ava stop talking!

That said, I do like that Jon Lindstrom and Kelly Monaco are getting to do a storyline together. They played father and daughter on Port Charles but never interact on GH.

Sonny, your feelings are pretty much the last thing Alexis needs to deal with right now, so just shh.

"I'll send for my things." You have, like, two bags, Claudette.

July 29th, 2016

Claudette misses her flight thanks to car trouble, which Nathan finds a little too coincidental. They talk about their relationship a bunch and she hurts her knee and their song comes on the radio and whatever, I'm really tired of this plot. Maxie worries about Nathan being MIA and goes to the hospital to make sure he hasn't been admitted. She winds up killing time with Griffin, and somehow the topic of his shooting comes up. He won't talk about it, and still thinks he brought it on himself. Maxie urges him to forgive himself the way he tells others to forgive. Franco can tell that Elizabeth isn't 100 percent thrilled to go out with him, especially when she expresses concern over not going somewhere public. She decides to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, but will probably regret it since he takes her to his studio and locks the door. Amy tells Valerie that she saw Franco going into a patient's room with a flower and vial. He claims he found an empty vial somewhere and was just visiting the patient. Later, the patient dies, and the vial tests positive for Derisifol. Jordan asks Curtis to be a positive male figure in T.J.'s life, since Shawn is...well, busy. He's a little upset that she's been cold to him in the past, but happy that things are getting better.

I absolutely love that Nathan isn't falling for Claudette's tricks. For now, at least.

I like Molly Burnett's Maxie with Griffin more than Kirsten Storms' Maxie.

There goes my theory that Mayes was the killer. However, I like the theory floating around that it's Amy.

To be fair, wasn't Curtis addicted to coke for part of the time Jordan tried to keep him from seeing T.J.?

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Nina's face when Maxie threw her under the bus
Funniest moment (unintentional): Jason: "We found a jet and I can fly it! Let's go!" Everyone else: "Um"
Saddest moment: Kristina admitting she was afraid of Sonny rejecting her
Sweetest/cutest moment: Sonny and Alexis being so supportive of Kristina
Least believable moment: Jason knows how to fly a plane
Best instance of continuity: Kevin wrote a book
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Lulu
Most annoying character: Ava
Smartest character: Nathan
Dumbest character: Julian

The week in a nutshell:

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