General Hospital blog - March, 2015

March 2nd, 2015

Ric brings up Claudia's death, Sonny's heroism on the boat, and Michael's denouncement of the Corinthos family as reasons Michael shouldn't get custody of Avery. Sloane gets Scott to agree to drop the charges against Jason, then tacks on his own condition: He'll only do it if Jason works as a mole in the Jerome organization. Julian is furious to learn that Carlos is out on bail and isnít the least bit sorry that he may have killed Ava. Carlos manages to convince Julian that his actions were appropriate within the mob code, and besides, Julian has tried to kill Ava, too. Julian is willing to accept Carlos back into the fold so he can have another shot at taking over Port Charles. Ava seems more upset that Carly has access to Avery than at the possibility of Sonny raising her. She thinks Silas will turn her in to the police as soon as she's well, but he promises to keep her hidden. Nina's mad at Franco for lying about being crazy, but it doesn't last long. Jason's super-slow to catch on that Elizabeth would totally hook up with him if given another chance. Carly's torn between the two sides in court.

"You're less of a parent than Franco and Nina Clay." Now, Ric, there's no need to lie.

I can't believe they're passing up the golden opportunity to have Jason infiltrate the Corinthos organization. Though it's kind of funny that he's going to be trying to bring down his father-in-law. He should get his memory back in the middle of the storyline, keep his cover, and feed info to Sonny.

Add to the ever-growing list of things I can't wait for: Scott finding out that he dropped charges against Jason.

I love that Carlos' defense for trying to kill Ava is that he's not the first one to do it.

Jason: "Are you telling me that I still have a chance with you?" Me: (sobbing uncontrollably). I've never been so happy to see Sloane. Please interrupt every conversation Jason and Elizabeth have about their feelings for each other, would you?

March 3rd, 2015

Delia organized a memorial for Ava at her bar but didn't bother to tell anyone until the night before. Silas only agrees to go after he gets Ava to promise that she won't crash it. When she finds out Avery will be there, she goes back on her word. Everyone thinks Michael is going to lose the custody case, including Alexis, who urges him to drop it before his family is completely destroyed. Michael refuses, then gets the upper hand when the judge is replaced by Walters. The Corinthos/Jerome truce of 2015 officially ends when Julian warns Sonny that he's getting back into the mob game. Sam goes to Boston to show Nikolas support and also bug him a little about Helena and Jason. She asks him straight out if Helena said anything to him about Jason's real identity. Nikolas stalls, then decides to come clean, which of course means that they'll get interrupted before he can say anything. Jason talks things over with Carly and makes a decision about Sloane's offer.

Silas, next time, sedate her.

"Don't play tug-of-war with a baby, Michael. That's cowardly." Yeah! You should put her mother in a panic room and kidnap her for your wife! Always listen to Ric on matters of cowardice!

Walters? Ugh. And totally not allowed – he's dating the plaintiff's grandmother. Ric, it's time to start screaming, "Conflict of interest!"

Y'all, Nikolas feels so guilty about keeping Jason's identity quiet that he's now dressing like him.

March 4th, 2015

Sonny promises that his children are safe with him, even after Alexis brings up the time he shot Carly while she was giving birth. He vows to do better in the future, pleading with Michael to give him the chance at a fresh start with Avery. He seems to get through to Michael, who considers dropping the suit. Just then, Carly recognizes Walters. Ava eavesdrops while people say nice things about her at the wake. Once everyone else has left, she ambushes Delia. Jason accepts Sloane's deal, because it's that or face the possibility of multiple life sentences. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Nikolas is called away before he can tell Sam about Jason. Ned and Tracy are happy to have a kid in the mansion again (Danny) and hope to have more there in the future (Avery and Olivia's baby). Tracy reveals that Monica pressured Walters to take over the custody case, and Ned's happy about it. Olivia tells Dante about her pregnancy, lying that Ned is the baby's father.

I hope Monica's happy with her actions when there's a screaming baby in her house, keeping her awake.

There were a lot of great moments in this episode, but I think my favorite was when they showed Nikolas just as Delia sang "I am lying."


Elizabeth, stop pretending you have any authority over anyone.

Oh, I bet Ned wishes A.J. were there.

What's Dante's problem with Ned? Wouldn't he have more appreciation of the one normal, law-abiding Quartermaine?

March 5th, 2015

Ric can't get Walters to recuse himself, so Michael wins custody of Avery. Sonny says she's at his house, telling Carly that he's going to make sure Morgan doesn't bring her back from New York. Ava would be on board with that, as she wants to skip town. Delia's okay with it; Silas isn't. Luke attacks Scott at the courthouse (biting off part of his ear) and lands himself in Shadybrook. Franco takes a break from playing crazy with Nina to confront his father's assailant. Spinelli tries to get Maxie to admit that she still has feelings for him. He kisses her, and of course Nathan sees them. I guess Scott and Bobbie are getting back together?

Don't mind me, I'll just be over here coming up with ear-related jokes to use for the rest of Scott's life.

Scott: "You're missing the point." Me: "So are you – the point of your ear. HA HA HA HA HA HA!" That was fast.

Since when does Franco use Scott's last name? Also, since when does he actually care about Scott?

I would maybe be okay with just a show about Franco and Nina entertaining themselves (and each other) at Shadybrook. ...Okay, not really, but at least they're finally doing something interesting.

Spinelli should have asked to stay at the mansion as a condition of his PI employment. Avery and Lil' Georgie could play together, and Spinelli and Alice could have awesome conversations.

March 6th, 2015

Sonny calls Morgan and instructs him to take Avery to the island to hide out. Morgan's up for it, but Kiki refuses to tag along, wanting to do what's in Avery's best interest. Back in Port Charles, Carly also objects to Sonny's plan but ultimately agrees to go along with it. They stall unsuccessfully, and ultimately Michael discovers that Avery isn't there. Delia and Silas beg Ava to drop her plan to run off with Avery, eventually winning the argument by default when Ava has to leave to avoid Morgan and Kiki. She tells Silas she's going to come up with a new plan, but Silas tells her it's a moot point because she's dying. Luke and Nina talk Franco out of hurting Luke, who admits that he purposely got himself sent to Shadybrook because it's easier to escape than prison is. Franco easily agrees to team up with him for a breakout, though Nina takes some more convincing. Tracy confides to Alice how devastated she is by Luke's situation. But Spinelli has good news: He may have a lead on Patricia. Maxie tells Nathan that she was an unwilling recipient of Spinelli's kiss, but that just makes him mad because Spinelli shouldn't be kissing someone who doesn't want to be kissed. He realizes that it might be time to get out of this horrible mess.

The island? That's Sonny's solution? Because Michael wouldn't look there first?

Thank you, Kiki, for being the only sane person in this storyline.

Letting Ava take Avery would have solved a lot of problems.

"You're dying." What the--? She has no symptoms! Why didn't you tell her before? This is so dumb.

Franco, you can't call Nina "goddess." That's Spinelli's nickname for Sam.

Monica was supposed to be on today. Stupid show. But they subbed in Alice, so I guess I can't be too mad.

Hospitalized: Scott Baldwin

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Tracy feeling bad for Scott, then saying, "It couldn't have happened to a nicer person"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ric calling Sonny a hero. He probably took eight showers after that
Saddest moment: N/A, since I have no sympathy for anyone who was sad
Sweetest/cutest moments: Ned and Tracy playing with Danny; Dante and Olivia saying they love each other
Least believable moment: Conflicts of interest don't matter with the attorneys – they're not the ones making legal rulings. RIC, YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB. Also, those shorts Maxie wore were ridiculous
Best instance of continuity: Everything said in court
Worst instance of continuity: Didn't Monica kick Tracy out of the mansion?
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Elizabeth
Smartest character: Luke
Dumbest character: Silas, for taking too long to figure out what Ava was going to do
Inside joke: Franco saying Scott has a recurring role on Arrow, which Roger Howarth has appeared on

The week in a nutshell:

March 9th, 2015

Michael tries to have Sonny arrested for keeping Avery away, and Carly for going along with his plans. Kiki talks Morgan into going home, and they're able to convince the authorities that there was no plan to keep Avery from Michael. Kiki and Morgan rail against Michael for being a jerk and not loving Avery enough to be a good guardian. Michael responds by announcing that he's giving the baby the nickname A.J. Silas tells Ava that she has lymphoma and needs a bone marrow transplant but probably won't be able to get one. Luke, Franco, and Nina make a flimsy escape plan, but it fails because Franco sucks as a lookout. Luke is able to get away, but Nina and Franco are left behind (and Nina's tased, to add insult to injury). Spinelli tells Tracy and Lulu that he has Patricia's last known address, which isn't totally helpful but is at least something. As Lulu and Tracy are about to head out, they learn about Luke's escape from Shadybrook. Maxie convinces Nathan to spend some time alone with each other instead of just giving up on their relationship. He's worried that she's just trying to distract herself and get Spinelli out of her system.

It might not matter where Avery lives – those Jerome genes are going to be her downfall. Also, how many people on this show have had cancer? Seriously, what's in this town's water? And did Jerry put it there?

Silas tested Ava's blood six times in the past month and is only now telling her she's sick? YOU SUCK, SILAS. If Ava were a kid, I'd tell her to go to Shriners. Instead, let's just fast-forward to the part where they use Olivia's baby's cord blood to heal her (and hope that turns out better for Olivia than it did for Sam).

Doesn't Delia have other kids? Surely there are other blood relatives in her big Irish family.

I think I like Tracy more every day.

March 10th, 2015

There's a ton of fighting at Sonny's, but ultimately Michael takes Avery, bragging that he's going to make Sonny's worst fear come true by raising his child as a Quartermaine. Morgan and Carly try to cheer Sonny up with pizza and Monopoly. (And then Carly's going to spend the night and cheer him up a different way.) No one knows where Luke went, but I'm sure the next few weeks will be full of the police insisting they're looking for him. Spinelli ruins Maxie and Nathan's date night by encouraging Dante to bring him in on the Luke investigation. Then Lil' Georgie inadvertently ruins things further by getting the flu and having to go to the ER. Franco takes the blame for Luke's escape, saying he thought he was helping Harry Houdini with a trick. Brad and Lucas continue the grand tradition of employees making out at the hospital.

Sure, Monopoly's fun, but can you handle the awkwardness when Sonny draws a "go to jail" card?

Michael, you can't use the "Jason gave up Jake" argument anymore, since he DIDN'T give up Danny.

The real reason Michael can't call Avery "A.J. Quartermaine" is that it's confusing.

Nathan, if you don't want to fight about Spinelli, STOP SAYING HIS NAME.

In the past few months, they've recast Danny, Georgie, and now Rocco. All I'm saying is watch your back, Avery.

March 11th, 2015

Sam and Spinelli catch up, talking about Maxie and letting go of first loves. Later, Spinelli sees Jason from behind, wearing a black shirt and jeans, and thinks he's Stone Cold. Nathan confides in Dante that he feels guilty for possibly keeping Maxie, Spinelli, and Georgie from being a family. Dante points out that families don't necessarily live together. He also thinks that Nathan wants to keep Georgie's family intact because his own is so messed up. He encourages Nathan to fight for Maxie, which Nathan does by telling Maxie he loves her. Jason asks Carly if she can help him get an in with the Jeromes. She thinks Sam will put in a good word with her father because she somehow owes Jason one. The clinic project is on hold, so Sabrina needs a new job. Michael offers to hire her as Avery's nanny. Duke and Shawn ambush Julian and Carlos while they're moving a shipment through Corinthos docks. A shootout ensues, and Anna arrives in time to stop it before anyone gets hurt. Shawn is pretty sure Jordan tipped her off, and he's right. Ric and Sonny form the We Hate Jake Club. Patrick wants to make sure Jason leaves Sam alone; he's totally threatened by the vision Jason had at the penthouse of being with Sam. Jason promises that Sam isn't his type. Elizabeth tells Patrick that she's sure Jason is a good guy.

Hearing Spinelli say "Stone Cold" makes me smile.

Is Carly planning on telling Sonny that there's a mole in the Jerome organization? Is she going to encourage Jason to give secrets to Sonny? Is there any other point to her knowing about this?

"Hey, do you want to earn money taking care of the baby you almost killed?" That's not awkward at all...

Sonny and Ric bonding over their distrust of Jason. Welcome to Bizarro Port Charles!

March 12th, 2015

Spinelli's a little curious about the similarities between Jason and Jake, despite Carly's reminders that Jason's gone forever. Ava refuses to let Silas test Avery's bone marrow to see if she could be a donor. She also asks him to team up with Kiki and Julian to get Avery away from Michael. Kiki strongly objects to Michael's decision to ask Sabrina to be Avery's nanny, what with the fact that Sabrina almost killed her. She goes to Julian to ask for help in a new custody battle, as if a mob boss is a better choice of guardian. Jason asks Sam to talk to Julian about giving him a (legit) job, claiming that Carly won't get him work with Sonny because Sonny doesn't like him. Jordan tries again to convince Shawn that she's not working for the police, but he doesn't buy it. She tells Anna she wants out and is about two seconds from blowing her own cover. Anna warns that things in the mob war are so precarious that one false move could lead to a bloodbath. She's right, since Julian and Carlos are so fed up with Duke that they're ready to kill him. Duke and Shawn share their suspicions with Sonny that Jordan is a mole. Patrick and Elizabeth, jealousy is not a good color for either of you.

Yes! Spinelli! Continue being suspicious!

Where does Jason think he's going to live? If he starts working for Julian, he's not going to be welcome at Kelly's. P.S. Elizabeth's house is not an acceptable answer.

If Avery were a match for Ava, how would Silas go about extracting her bone marrow? "Hey, Michael, can I borrow Avery for a few hours? If she comes back with a hole in her hip, I had nothing to do with it"?

There's a fundamental flaw in Michael's "protect Avery at all costs" plan: Everyone knows that Sonny's her father. His enemies can still use her against him.

How does Anna figure that Jordan's in deeper with the Corinthos organization than Dante was? She's barely in. Sonny trusted Dante enough to consider giving him the whole organization.

March 13th, 2015

Carly invites Jason to live with her, which makes it easier for her to bug him about any relationships he might want to get into. Meanwhile, Sonny tells Duke that the skills Jason displayed when he took Sam hostage prove that he's a bad guy and can't be trusted. Then, finally, Sonny and Jason officially meet. Jordan worries that Shawn told Sonny and Duke that they can't trust her (which, of course, he did). Duke thinks Jordan's loyalty will become clear when she's asked to kill Julian. Anna tries to investigate Sloane while fending off his aversion to personal space. He suggests that they call a truce and team up, but she's too smart to trust him. She does admit to having an informant, and he admits to the same, but neither will give a name. Julian agrees to give Jason a job, then asks Sam if there's anything going on between them. Ric asks Elizabeth to tell him once and for all if they have a future together. She admits to having feelings for Jason and tells Ric she's not willing to give their relationship another chance. Apparently T.J.'s okay with Jordan and Shawn being in the mob since at least they're supposedly on the same side now.

How nice of Sonny to wear a leather jacket to his first encounter with Jason.

"More angst than a Buffy/Angel crossover." Carly, don't you dare imply that Elizabeth is Buffy. Sam is Buffy. Elizabeth is, at best, Fred. (Ric is Wesley.)

And then Anna reported Sloane for sexual harassment, right? I mean, freaking A.

"You're the commissioner; you should find permanent housing," says the ex-commissioner who's lived at the Metro Court for two years.

Julian: "I've always prided myself on progressive thinking." Me: "I've been okay with Lucas being gay for, like, six months!"

Half of me wants to commend Elizabeth for making a good decision. The other half of me wants to scream.

Sick: Ava Jerome, Georgie Spinelli

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Lulu: "You can keep berating Spinelli, or we can let him tell us what is so important about this location." Tracy: "I can multitask"; Maxie, re: Shadybrook: "What is up with that place? How do they keep a license?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Kirsten giving Harper a very motherly "stop that" look
Saddest moment: Spinelli saying Jason was the best friend he ever had made me sad, but considering what the audience knows, it wasn't really that sad
Sweetest/cutest moment: Lulu to Olivia: "I can take all the mothering I can get"
Least believable moment: Jason's cover story that Carly recommended that he work for Julian. Why would she want to make her friend and boyfriend enemies?
Best instance of continuity: Spinelli's love of barbecue chips and orange soda
Worst instance of continuity: Michael and Tracy are buddies now?
Hero of the week: Kiki, in a way
Most annoying character: Sloane
Smartest character: N/A
Dumbest character: N/A
Things we learned this week: 1. Lucas likes Buffy and Angel. (I knew we should be friends.)

The week in a nutshell:

March 16th, 2015

Jason tries to convince Sonny that he's a good guy now, and no threat to his relationship with Carly. Sonny's on the verge of agreeing to pretend everything's okay when Jason reveals that he's now working for Julian. Carly taunts Ric about his breakup with Elizabeth, but Ric points out that this leaves Jason free to hook up with Elizabeth. Carly says that's fine with her because Jason needs to learn that Elizabeth is wrong for him. Ric thinks she's jealous, which she probably is. Jordan refuses to take Duke's orders, asking if he's just trying to find out if she's a cop. After a lot of back-and-forth, she agrees to the hit, then runs to tell Anna and Nathan. Meanwhile, Carlos stalks Duke, having no hesitation about killing him. Anna tells Nathan that Sloane has an informant, but Nathan knows nothing about the arrangement. He also thinks that Anna's pushing too hard to get revenge on Duke, and Jordan could be in danger. Anna at first denies this but realizes that she's pressuring Jordan when she needs to let her go. Sam and Julian discuss Jake, Jason (including how much he would have hated Julian), and the mob in general. Julian basically cautions Sam that he might have to kill some of her friends. Carlos warns Sabrina that she might be called to testify against him, but she's free to say whatever she wants. He's worried that being Avery's nanny will put her on Sonny's bad side, which doesn't make sense. Elizabeth tells Patrick that she and Ric broke up and she's interested in Jason. Patrick's more concerned with why Carly would pit Sonny and Jason against each other.

Weirdness of the day: Jason calling Sonny "sir."

Okay, but really, what's to keep Carly from telling Sonny that Jason's an informant?

Thanks, Nathan, for once again being the rational one. You and Kiki should start a club.

Can't Jordan have Duke arrested for...I don't know, trying to hire a hitwoman?

Why doesn't Duke have bodyguards? How dumb is he?

Julian to Sam: "This is my life. You're going to have to take the good with the bad." So if he kills someone you consider a friend, you just have to deal with it!

Thanks, Patrick, for questioning why Carly would encourage Jason to work for Julian. You should join Nathan and Kiki's club.

March 17th, 2015

Michael picks a fight with Duke, calling him a hypocrite for calling A.J. his friend and then keeping quiet when he found out Sonny killed him. He and Sabrina discuss Carlos, who she reports is working with Julian again. Morgan thinks that since Michael played dirty, Team Corinthos should do the same to get Avery back. He and Kiki conspire to make it look like Michael has a drinking problem so Social Services will take Avery away. Sonny and Carly fight a bunch about Jason, and Carly almost blurts out that he's Sloane's informant, but she manages to keep it a secret. She promises Sonny that she's on his side, as she always is. Carlos isn't happy to have to work with Jason, but Julian likes the idea of bringing aboard someone Sonny hates. Nathan suggests that Jordan wear a wire and get Duke to repeat his hit instructions so they can put him in jail. Anna hesitates but ultimately authorizes the move. Lucy starts the Nurses' Ball 2015 talk, enlisting Sabrina to perform. She also gives Duke an out to get back together with Anna, but he knows they've come too far to ever be able to fix things.

Michael, if you're not going to shut up – which I desperately beg you to do – at least stop yelling at people in front of Avery.

Good luck with that alcoholism angle, Morgan and Kiki. I only remember Michael ever drinking once before today (the night he slept with Rosalie). If he gets a visit from Social Services, he just has to get his family and Sabrina to testify that he's never been drunk around Avery. Also, this plan has a high risk of failure. Even if Avery is taken from Michael, she's not automatically going to go to Sonny.

This Sonny/Jason thing is exactly what I wanted – Jason not liking someone he was previously friends with.

I'm trying to like Lucy again. It'll go easier if she keeps wearing nice dresses like the one she wore today.

March 18th, 2015

Jason thinks that he and Carly should stop being friends so Julian doesn't get the wrong idea. Carly refuses but does agree to a little more discretion. She tells Jason that Ric and Elizabeth broke up, so he should go after Elizabeth again. Jason's as confused as I am, since Carly hates Elizabeth, but Carly says she hates Ric more, so she's all for any arrangement that would make him miserable. Emma and Patrick go to Boston to visit Spencer, who's depressed about possibly being permanently scarred. Emma clearly doesn't care because she's awesome. Sam tags along on the visit and asks Nikolas again if Helena told him anything about Jason. Nikolas again plays innocent. A panicked Cameron tells Elizabeth that he thinks he started the fire at Wyndemere and is scared he'll end up in jail. Elizabeth shares the news with Nikolas, and Spencer overhears. Nathan repeats his declaration of love to Maxie, asking her to tell him how she feels. She tells him she loves him, too, but she also loves Spinelli. Spinelli confides to Sonny that he mistook "Jake" for Jason, which Sonny finds ridiculous. Then they start talking Maxie, and how Nathan stands in Spinelli's way. Sonny encourages Spinelli to go back to Portland and try to make things work with Ellie. If he was meant to be with Maxie, they would be together; since they're not, they're not. Nathan overhears them discussing him and seconds Sonny's suggestion that Spinelli leave town. Molly wants to help Ric get over Elizabeth with online dating.

I appreciate Jason telling Carly to use her inside voice. People on this show always have confidential conversations way too loudly.

Guys, Emma's the best.

Spencer, sweetie, your father is super-rich. He'll hire the world's best plastic surgeon to fix your face. Barring that, this is an excellent origin story for a supervillain. Ask Spinelli; he'll fill you in.

Ric is "smoking hot" but Jason is "vile" and "repulsive"? Molly has questionable judgment.

Molly: "The ladies'll be beating down your door in no time." Me: "Beating down the door to his panic room." Who's left for him to hook up with, anyway? Rosalie? ...Actually, that might be interesting.

March 19th, 2015

Rosalie is still in the Cassadines' pocket, serving as Nikolas' eyes and ears inside ELQ. Thanks to her savvy use of a phone intercom, she eavesdrops as Tracy tells Michael that Skye gave her shares to Luke. Nikolas isn't worried, thinking they wonít be able to trace the shares to him. Rosalie also meets Sabrina and rubs her the wrong way. Sabrina tells Michael that she overheard Rosalie on the phone with someone she called "boss." Spinelli challenges Nathan to a boxing match for Maxie, with the loser leaving town. Sonny's found his entertainment for the day. A run-in with Sabrina riles Kiki up, and she debates going along with Morgan's idea to drug Michael to make it look like he's drunk. Spencer thinks Cameron started the fire on purpose. Lulu advises Maxie to make up her mind about Nathan and Spinelli, though she's not big on specifics. Jason and Elizabeth are closer than ever to a romantic bond, actually managing to kiss. Anna asks Olivia for any information on Duke's activities at the Metro Court, confiding that she thinks he uses the restaurant's tea box as a money drop. Both women think they've made the right decisions to keep their children safe. Tracy gets the forwarding address from Patricia's last known residence.

I don't know about Maxie, but if two guys were going to box each other over me instead of letting me make up my own mind, I'd pull a Kelly Taylor and choose myself. However, if I were Sonny, I'd sell tickets.

Careful who you call a lying slut, Kiki. You lied to Michael and made out with him before you and Morgan were over.

What's up with Maxie's outfit? Is that a dress or a nightgown? She looks like she's going to go haunt Wyndemere.

"You need to figure out what you want." That's some mighty good advice-giving, there, Lulu.

Back in the '90s, Felicia had a theory about a kiss test, which was that you could recognize anyone by his or her kiss (or, alternately, that you could tell an imposter by an unfamiliar kiss). Let's see if that theory holds with Elizabeth. By the way, that's the only way I can tolerate her kissing Jason – by telling myself it's part of a scientific process.

Also, I thought Jason didn't want to get involved with anyone because he didn't know if he already was before the accident. Maybe he just said that to look like he wasn't pining for someone who was with someone else.

March 20th, 2015

Lulu and Tracy go to Patricia's most recent address and meet her daughter, Valerie, who had no idea that her mother had siblings. She tells them that Patricia's dead and is reluctant to answer their questions. Behind her door, Luke holds a gun on her. Jason and Elizabeth have their first "date," which ends when they get a visit from a woman who says she's his wife. While Sonny advises Spinelli to move around a lot and tire Nathan out, Dante tries to talk Nathan out of the match. He later tells Maxie what's going on, and she's furious. She arrives at the gym just as Nathan finally lands the winning punch on Spinelli. Defeated by Silas' warning that she may not survive, Ava requests assisted suicide. Franco and Nina separately tell Scott and Alexis that they're faking their conditions. Both decide to stay where they are, though Franco doesn't want Nina to give up the chance of having a real life.

+20 points to the show for casting a biracial actress in a role that could have easily gone to a white one. -10 points for calling attention to the fact that she's not white.

Whoever hired this mystery woman to come between Jason and Elizabeth, you have my undying gratitute.

God bless Maxie for being enlightened enough to object to this stupid "duel."

Since when does Ava back down from a fight? This is dumb.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Jason getting a little irritated with Carly in a very Jason way
Funniest moment (unintentional): Avery really wanted whatever Michael was drinking
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Lulu being super-excited that Nathan told Maxie he loves her
Least believable moment: Ava's getting worse, but she couldn't realistically have had more than one or two rounds of chemo (I think they did this with Danny, too)
Best instances of continuity: Alan had a pill addiction; Cameron's history with fire; Luke's German alias
Worst instance of continuity: Suddenly Sonny likes Spinelli? Maybe absence made his heart grow fonder
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Kiki
Smartest character: N/A
Dumbest character: Tracy, who forgot that interracial relationships exist, despite having biracial relatives
Inside joke: Apparently Ava's spa mention was a reference to As the World Turns

The week in a nutshell:

March 23rd, 2015

Elizabeth has a lot of healthy skepticism about the story Jason's non-wife, Hayden, spins. According to her, she and Jason (who she says really is named Jake) were having marital problems and got into a big fight while on a camping trip. She thought he'd left her, so she didn't report him missing right away. When she did go to the police, they also thought he'd left her, so they didn't investigate his disappearance. Elizabeth requests proof that they're really married. As soon as Hayden leaves, she calls someone to report that things are on track. Maxie doesn't believe Nathan's claim that Spinelli suggested the duel until Sonny confirms it. Nathan decides he's never going to be able to compete with Spinelli, and he bows out. Valerie insists over and over that she can't help Lulu and Tracy, who remain unaware that she's basically a hostage and is lying to them. As they're leaving, they hear a noise from the closet Luke's hiding in. Michael and Morgan get into a fistfight that Ned has to break up. Even so, Morgan was able to switch out Michael's allergy medication with some kind of drug. To her credit, Kiki immediately regrets the plan, but Morgan thinks everything will be fine. Ava uses her and Silas' past relationship to try to guilt him into helping her die, but he refuses because he cares about her (and also it's illegal and unethical). Olivia runs into Julian, who asks to feel the baby kicking, so he definitely doesn't believe her 100 percent. He also assures Kiki that he'll help her get Avery back.

Hayden Barnes? Someone watches Nashville. (I don't – I didn't know Barnes was Hayden Panettiere's character's last name. I had a feeling, though.) It's like when Kristina dated Kiefer Bauer.

Beecher's Corners? Of course.

Maxie: "What about Georgie?" Nathan: "What about Georgie?" Me: "Oooh, wrong answer."

Why do people always ask how visitors got into the Quartermaines'? Alice lets everyone in!

Is Ava's storyline supposed to make people feel sympathy for her? It's not working.

Oh, good, Julian's smarter than I thought.

March 24th, 2015

While Jason and Elizabeth wonder if Hayden's telling the truth, Hayden visits her co-conspirator, Ric. He has all the paperwork she needs to "prove" she's married to "Jake," plus a stack of money Hayden needs to pay off some debts. Ric tells her the job will be done when Jason and Elizabeth are officially through and Elizabeth is back with Ric. Elizabeth still isn't convinced that Hayden's being truthful, but if she is, Elizabeth isn't comfortable with being the other woman, so she and Jason will have to end things. Valerie rushes Tracy and Lulu out of her apartment, which just makes Tracy more suspicious. Luke refuses to leave until Valerie tells him where Patricia is, since he doesn't believe her story that her mother's dead. Sam is scarred for life when she and Patrick catch Alexis and Julian about to engage in living-room sex. Patrick suggests that Sam and Danny move in with him and Emma so the couples can have their own space. Sam promises to think about the idea but doesn't want to rush into anything. Similarly, Julian invites Alexis to move in with him, an idea she vetoes because either Molly would have to come with her, which Molly would hate, or she'd have to live with Ric, which Alexis would hate. Ned wonders if Olivia's having second thoughts about lying about the baby's paternity. He assures her that she's doing the right thing and that he's all in.

Am I supposed to hate Hayden? 'Cause that ain't gonna happen. She's keeping apart two people I don't like together. I want to take her shopping and pay off her debts. This plot would be a lot more interesting to me if she were keeping Sam and Jason apart. At this point, it doesn't matter what Elizabeth believes – either way, Jason's married.

Ric, that is not the intended use of a dating site.

So what happens when Nikolas hears about Hayden? Because this plot has just become a lot more like his when he had amnesia. Is that going to make him so sympathetic to Sam that he decides to abandon his plan and tell her the truth? I'm going to

When did Patrick say that Jason's memory loss was permanent? I don't remember that. (Uh, heh.)

Looks like Patricia and Valerie live in Pennsylvania. Do they live in the town we're not allowed to mention?

No one mentioned that Molly or Danny could have walked in on Alexis and Julian. That should be the real reason to stop having living-room sex.

March 25th, 2015

Ric provides Hayden with "proof" of her marriage to Jason, including pictures he took of her with a stand-in named Pete. Hayden pretends to be disappointed that nothing jogs Jason's memory. He asks about his wedding ring, which she just happens to have. Elizabeth fills Carly in on Hayden's arrival, and Carly joins her in being skeptical that Hayden's telling the truth. Elizabeth wants to take a step back and let the "couple" work out whatever they need to, but Carly, of course, wants to get involved. She drags Elizabeth to the hotel, where they see Hayden and Jason kissing. Meanwhile, Pete tracks down Ric and makes himself a new obstacle in the scheme. The sight of her wedding ring makes Sam wonder if it was the one Jason mentioned just before he had surgery. Spinelli thinks that Maxie and Nathan are over and that he and Maxie are free to get back together. She goes off on him for treating her like a trophy and not being the rational, decent person he usually is. He presses her on her feelings, but she still needs time to think. Nina and Franco admit to each other that they told Alexis and Scott they were faking their insanity. At Nina's competency hearing, Alexis reveals to the judge that she faked her relapse. Molly and T.J. are sure that Ric will find a woman through online dating. In other news, Molly and T.J. need a plot.

Jason being with a petite brunette sounds wrong to Carly? Other than Courtney, petite brunettes are all Jason's been with.

Oh, Elizabeth. Telling Carly not to interfere is like waving a cape in front of a bull.

The best example of how much things have changed on the show in the past nine months: It took me a minute to remember why Sam hates Nina. Why hasn't she objected to Alexis being Nina's lawyer?

I don't know, if I were the judge, I wouldn't consider faking insanity to be a sign of sanity.

March 26th, 2015

Carly doesn't believe a word of Hayden's story, warning her that she'll be found out if she's a fraud. Elizabeth, however, is convinced that Hayden's proof is real because the fake medical records show that Jason had brain surgery in the same place Patrick said "Jake" did. Jason promises that he has no feelings for Hayden and wants to be with Elizabeth, but Elizabeth doesn't want to be a homewrecker. Luke gets Valerie to admit that Patricia's alive, but she still won't tell him where her mother is. Luke decides that she's not worth anything to him anymore and decides to kill her. Valerie manages to untie herself and shove him on the couch, making him drop the gun. Dante guesses that Luke went to see Patricia, and was probably hiding in Valerie's apartment when Tracy and Lulu were there. Dante and Lulu head back to Valerie's and find something shocking. Scott testifies that Franco admitted to faking his insanity. Franco feels betrayed, but Scott explains that this means his case goes to trial, and he's worked out a strategy with Franco's lawyer. The lawyer is able to convince the judge that Heather was the kidnapper the night of the wedding, and that Franco didn't know that Avery had been kidnapped until he and Nina were in Canada, which is out of the court's jurisdiction. Just as Nina is about to fake another setback, Franco enters her courtroom and announces that the charges against him have been dropped. Nina's declared sane, and suddenly they're both free. Pete demands more money from Ric. Sam and Patrick ponder the ring remark but don't come to any conclusions. Danny's still confused about who his father is.

Luke would be so mad that people keep mispronouncing his alias.

Valerie's a Spencer, all right.

Didn't anyone take Carly, Shawn, and Jordan's statements after they were kidnapped? Wouldn't they testify that Franco locked them in that warehouse? And how was he able to successfully argue that Franco didn't know that Nina kidnapped Avery? Where did he think she got a baby? Why didn't he take her back? He's an accessory, at best. They completely B.S.'d the ending to a storyline they couldn't figure out a way out of, and none of it makes sense.

"Are you my daddy now?" NOT COOL, DANNY.

I give Patrick credit for not trying to use Danny to convince Sam to move in with him. Other guys might say, "Now that we're best friends, how about you and your mom come live with me?"

March 27th, 2015

Tracy tells Bobbie what she and Lulu learned from Valerie, plus the news that the cemetery where Valerie said Patricia was buried doesn't exist. Through the magic of the Internet, Bobbie finds out that there's a convalescent home with the same name. In Pennsylvania, Lulu and Dante find Valerie unconscious and learn that Luke knocked her out. She confirms that Patricia's in the convalescent home, as she has MS, and admits that she told Luke. Sure enough, when Bobbie and Tracy arrive, he and his gun are there to greet them. Jordan arranges a meeting with Duke, wearing a wire and trying to get him to assign her the hit on Julian again. Duke tells her it was all a test, and that it's not a good time for violence, so she's off the hook. Meanwhile, Sloane brings what he says is a warrant to Anna's room, distracting her from listening in on Jordan and Duke's conversation. She refuses to cooperate, and realizes that Sloane doesn't have a warrant anyway. He admits that he already found out from his former boss that Jordan's the informant. Shawn tells Sonny that now he's not sure if Jordan's a cop, like, make up your mind before someone gets whacked, would you? Duke tells them that Jordan can be trusted, which is a lie – somehow, he knew she was wearing a wire. Nina's assets have been seized by the state, so she thinks her only option for living arrangements is sharing Nathan's room above Kelly's. Franco realizes that he has information in his back pocket that they can use to get a suite at the Metro Court – he can blackmail Olivia with the truth about the baby's paternity. Julian apologizes to Olivia for his lack of boundaries and promises that he and Alexis are done questioning the baby's paternity. Alexis is all, "Yes...we certainly are...."

I'm interested to see how they drag out this Luke/Tracy/Bobbie/Patricia stuff for three days, because we're not supposed to get the big what-happened-to-Luke reveal until Wednesday.

I can't wait for Carly to object to Olivia letting Franco stay at the hotel and Olivia to have to come up with a reason. (Actually, she should just tell Carly the truth about the baby's paternity. Carly would keep it quiet.)

I reserve the right to change my mind, of course, but I kind of like the idea of Franco and Nina hanging around the hotel, wreaking havoc on people's lives.

Enough with the boxing already. We all got sick of it 20 years ago, with Jagger.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Traumatized Sam and amused Patrick
Funniest moment (unintentional): The way Sloane says "Bob"
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Danny and Patrick
Least believable moment: Ric bought a ring that fits Jason perfectly
Best instance of continuity: N/A
Worst instance of continuity: Molly went to school, then came home to give Danny breakfast?
Hero of the week: Whoever cut Sloane's hair
Most annoying character: Michael
Smartest characters: Carly, Valerie, Scott
Dumbest characters: Morgan, Ric

The week in a nutshell:

March 30th, 2015

Luke threatens Bobbie and Tracy for an hour while Valerie tries to talk Dante and Lulu into letting her get to her mother. Lulu uses Valerie's head injury to distract Dante and heads to the convalescent home by herself, arriving just as Luke is about to shoot Bobbie. While Duke contemplates killing Jordan, knowing he'll be crossing a line, Sloane complains that Anna and Jordan's plans haven't yielded anything. Anna worries that Duke is on to them, and Jordan worries that Sloane won't have their back. Olivia takes way too long to agree to Franco and Nina's demands, but ultimately has to give in. Carly bugs Jason about Hayden, making him realize that he'll have to convince her to stay in Port Charles so he can keep his deal with Sloane.

"Say hello to B.J."? WOW. I can't believe a writer actually had Luke say that to Bobbie.

The minion Duke's been talking to looks and sounds so familiar. I'm 99 percent sure I've seen him in something else. It'll probably come to me in the middle of the night.

Carly should have Spinelli figure out if Hayden's "proof" is real. He can do that, right?

Once and for all, how far is Beecher's Corners from Port Charles? They usually make it sound like it's right next door, but now Carly makes it sound like it's dozens of miles away.

March 31st, 2015

Tracy tells Luke that she doesn't believe he'll shoot Lulu, and believes that he wanted her to follow him off the Haunted Star before it exploded. She manages to bring back Good Luke, and there's a brief Spencer-sibling reunion. Tracy and Lulu get called out of the room to lie to the police that everything's fine, and while they're gone, Luke goes out the window. Carly's furious that Olivia's letting Franco and Nina stay at the hotel, but Olivia keeps her in the dark as to why. Ric "learns" that Elizabeth and "Jake" are over and suggests that Elizabeth come back to him, because apparently that's her only other option. Jason tells Hayden that they have to stay in Port Charles, which means she won't be able to collect her payment from Ric. Sam and Patrick discuss their living arrangements with Julian and Alexis, respectively. Alexis and Julian are both supportive of them living together, and ultimately Sam decides to go for it. She also talks to Julian about Jake and the ring, still not getting anywhere with that.

Tracy! You rock! Please keep doing that! Also, thank you, Lulu, for taking Luke's gun.

Oh, Olivia, just tell Carly what's going on. Now she's just going to keep being mean to you.

What's Hayden's plan for when Jason asks to meet the friends she keeps mentioning?

I wonder if Julian "I Run This Town! Really, I Do!" Jerome would be offended if he knew that Hayden has never heard of him.

It would be funny if Alexis wound up staying in the penthouse, since she lived there before Jason did. And it would be even funnier if he decides to move back in (after he gets his memory back) and tells Sam they have to kick her mother out.

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