March 7th, 2016

Carly's upset with herself for letting herself fall in love with Sonny again knowing that she would be drawn back into a violent life. She asks him to try to tone down the bloodshed, which I'm sure will totally happen. Sam meets with Baxter, pretending her friend Rachel recommended him for her investment needs. Baxter plays dumb, saying he has no idea who Rachel is, but Sam knows he's lying. Just after she gets access to his phone contacts without him knowing, Hayden spots them together. Tracy reacts stoically to the news that she'll need a biopsy to determine whether she has brain cancer. Monica takes over her case, allowing Griffin to look into treatments Mayes hasn't considered. She also tries to reach out to Tracy, who isn't interested in anyone's help or pity. Dante and Lulu are interrupted before she can tell him that she's made up her mind about what should happen between them. She ends up talking to Olivia, who encourages her to say what she needs to say now, since life is short and Dante might not be there to hear it tomorrow. Lulu immediately tells Dante that she wants to work things out (which she was going to say even before her conversation with Olivia). Hayden tells Nikolas that Tracy's seizure shook her up because it reminded her of her father's heart attack when she was younger. Nikolas obviously wants to know more about her family, so she distracts him with a first edition of The Great Gatsby.

All you need to know about Sonny and Carly is that "you're an arrogant jerk" is something she says after the fight is over.

Sam, don't let me ever hear you say the word "divorce" again.

Heh, Nikolas basically said that Hayden doesn't look like someone who reads. Though maybe she doesn't, since she thinks Daisy and Gatsby are #relationshipgoals.

And then Olivia went home and called Ned to say she still loves him, right?

March 8th, 2016

Sam calls a number on Baxter's phone, asks about Rachel, and gets a hang-up in response. When she tells Nikolas she's on to something, he orders her to end the investigation. Elizabeth overhears the conversation and jumps on the fact that Nikolas has been married for four weeks and has a PI looking into his wife's past. Hayden in turn overhears that conversation and wonders why Nikolas distrusted her, then changed his mind. He just says he'll wait for her to tell him about her past. Meanwhile, Elizabeth encourages Sam to continue the investigation for Spencer's sake. Paul proposes to Anna that they find Carlos, get him to turn on Julian, and offer him and Anna immunity for their crimes. Anna's hesitant because the plan would involve working with Paul, but he convinces her that he's the only person Carlos will turn to when he inevitably runs out of money. Moments after Paul leaves Anna's house, Carlos calls him. Dante and Lulu try to celebrate with sex, but their bed is still the elephant in the room. They decide they should probably move (or at least get rid of the bed) and go to counseling. Jordan and Andre work out their problems from their last date and discuss spending more time together in the future. Curtis runs into Hayden and urges her to confide in him whatever her new crisis is. She just tells him that her past is coming into her present and she's not happy about it. This gets him thinking about his own past and leads him to tell Jordan off for trying to mess with his present, specifically, his potential whatever with Valerie. He tells her he'll keep her secrets if she stays out of his business. Anna's still being followed.

I don't want to encourage jealousy or anything, but it would have been funny if Jason had seen Sam with Baxter and had been all, "That's my wife, buddy!" and Sam had to try to come up with covers for both of them.

Elizabeth doesn't have enough to worry about, now she has to get involved in Nikolas' business? Also, Nikolas, stop having conversations about sensitive topics in common areas. There are ten people in your house, and half of them are children.

Lulu: "We can't rush it." Why not? You rushed the divorce.

Yay, Jordan and Andre are cute and happy again!

March 9th, 2016

Sonny thanks Anna for trying to warn him about the shipment, and she in turn thanks him for stopping Dixon. He spots a surveillance picture she's received of Carlos and asks when it was taken. Anna confides that Carlos is alive, telling Sonny to hold off on going after him because she has plan in the works. The two agree to keep each other informed of whatever happens. Meanwhile, Paul offers Carlos immunity if he a) comes home and b) keeps quiet about any crimes Anna or Paul have committed. Carlos won't even do a), so that plan might be out the window. Carly takes her new anti-violence to Jason, telling him she's glad he doesn't want to work for Sonny again. He agrees with her that mobsters should use their words instead of bullets. Jason has some questions about his life as a Quartermaine, so Carly gives him a little history lesson. They head to the crypt so she can tell him more about the family and he can take down the plaque that no one has bothered to take down in the past four months. Tracy skips her biopsy to talk to her dead family members in the Quartermaine crypt. Dillon finds her there minutes before she has an episode of confusion, followed by another seizure. While she finally admits to being scared, Griffin realizes that she didn't tell Dillon the truth about the potential severity of her condition. Mayes commandeers the conversation, but in the process he lets slip that Tracy could have cancer. Griffin admits that he thinks it could be something else, but Mayes won't let him get involved. Felix shows Michael a photo Sabrina sent him of the baby, whose name and gender haven't been disclosed, like, whatever, Sabrina. Michael's sad that he may never see Sabrina again, so Sonny might cheer him up by telling him where she really is. Griffin continues following Anna, then actually tells her he's been following her.

Sonny and Anna working together is an early April Fool's joke, right?

I have a...delicate question: Did Carly ever tell Jason that they used to sleep together?

Once again, Justus gets overlooked.

Could Tracy's condition be tied to wherever it was she went on vacation? This is turning into an episode of House.

Well, at least we know the baby lived, so that's something.

March 10th, 2016

Mayes continues to ignore Griffin, who tells Dillon that he thinks Tracy's condition could be tied to her trip to Mexico. Mayes tries to squeeze Griffin out again, but Dillon plays the Quartermaine card and asks Griffin to stay on Tracy's case. This means Griffin will have to get access to her test results, but fortunately, Brad is willing to lend a hand. Sonny tells Michael where Sabrina really is, ordering him not to get himself into any situation that would involve coming up against Carlos. Michael promises to tell Sonny if he hears from Sabrina. Sam questions Nikolas' decision to stop the investigation, but he won't budge. Everyone's getting ready for the reading of Helena's will, which leads Sam to mention to Laura how Helena cursed her just before she died. Laura's like, "Been there, done that, but you're probably not going to suffer too much." Jason remembers telling Lila he was changing his last name, and her being happy that he was keeping the name Morgan. Monica gives Jason more of his personal history, making him want to refocus on the ELQ lawsuit. He keeps the memorial plaque he took down, but forgets it at the Metro Court, where Sam cuts her finger on it. Griffin gets called back to the hospital before he can tell Anna why he's been following her. Anna turns to Andre for answers, but he doesn't have any, and he's totally not implying that she came to him because they're anything other than friends, RIGHT? Laura points out to Hayden that Daisy and Gatsby's romance didn't turn out so great, and she's not going to let Hayden leave Nikolas to the same fate.

Griffin should rat Mayes out for violating doctor/patient confidentiality.

"You can address me as Mr. Quartermaine." For the first time since his return: Yay, Dillon!

Woo, Brad's going to use his powers for good!

Sam's life already sucked before Helena cursed her, so I dread seeing what happens after it.

I bet if Sam told Laura about her Hayden investigation, Laura would be interested in hiring her to continue it.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Sam hopes Helena left her a poison ring
Funniest moments (unintentional): Rocco closes his eyes when he grins for pictures; Anna: "I need to pick your brain." Cut to Mayes and Tracy talking about her brain biopsy
Saddest moment: Tracy in the crypt and with Monica
Sweetest/cutest moment: I found Carly and Jason's conversation in the crypt sweet
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instance of continuity: The origins of Jason's last name
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Mayes
Smartest character: Laura, who has actually read/watched The Great Gatsby
Dumbest character: Mayes, for being a jerk to a Quartermaine

The week in a nutshell:

• Griffin and Mayes clashed over Tracy's treatment, and since Tracy didn't authorize Griffin to join the case, he had to keep his conversations with Dillon off the record. Brad may, for once in his life, do something helpful by showing Griffin Tracy's test results.
• Dante and Lulu agreed to try things again.
• Jason learned a little more about his past selves from Carly and Monica.
• Sam started digging into Hayden's past via Baxter, but before she could make too much progress, Nikolas shut it down. Hayden opened up to him more and gave him a first edition of The Great Gatsby, which she thinks is romantic, somehow.
• Anna and Paul made a tentative deal to get Carlos to come back to town and turn on Julian. Anna then filled Sonny in on Carlos' activities and they made their own deal to keep each other in the loop. Michael later became aware of the situation, so now he knows Sabrina didn't go back to Puerto Rico.
• Carly asked Sonny to try to play nicely with the other mobsters instead of sending more innocent people to the hospital.
• Griffin outed himself as Anna's stalker but didn't have time to tell her why he's been following her.
• Jordan and Andre made up, but Curtis may still be an issue.

March 14th, 2016

Nikolas, Laura, Lulu, Alexis, Sam, Elizabeth, Hayden, and Scott gather to view Helena's video will, which bequeaths the following:

• Nikolas: a painting of Helena, but no money (it’s all going to the family's foundation)
• Laura: a key to something she "loved and lost"
• Lulu: a thank-you and an empty envelope supposedly containing something she may need someday
• Alexis: a music box, a Madama Butterfly program, and the dagger Helena used to kill Alexis' mother
• Sam: one cent, to be shared with Kristina and Molly, and which will be subject to estate taxes (I think she left it behind, though)
• Elizabeth: a picture book entitled Jake's Adventure that ends with Helena reminding Jake to keep something secret

Maxie runs into Griffin, then sustains an ankle injury, so I'm pretty sure this is classified as a meet cute. She wants to put him in Crimson, and when he shuts down the idea, she thinks he's self-conscious about a scar on his side. Nathan's back to resisting telling Maxie the truth about Claudette, but he does tell Dante who she was: his wife. A bit of research gives Anna an idea of who Griffin is. Jordan's uneasy with Anna and Andre's closeness even after Anna tells her that she's Andre's patient.

So...Nikolas killed Helena, yes?

Since we never found out what happened to the Lulu/Stavros embryo, I'm going to guess that Helena's grateful to Lulu for giving her a grandchild.

I really hope Helena left Luke her nude portrait.

Dear show, if you break up Nathan and Maxie to put her with Griffin, Nathan better get an awesome new girlfriend.

March 15th, 2016

Sonny visits Morgan, whose depression has him mad at everyone about everything. Ava does her best impression of Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment, taking out her frustrations on a poor nurse. Griffin tries to reassure her that Kiki will regain consciousness soon, and encourages Ava to be a selfless mom like she should naturally be, which is funnier than he could ever know. Amazingly, Ava does do something selfless, calling Sonny so Morgan can talk to Kiki on the phone and bring her back to consciousness (while simultaneously bringing himself out of his depression a little). Griffin confirms what many of us have already guessed: He's Duke's son. Apparently he was the product of a fling Duke had before he met Anna, and by the time his mother decided to tell Duke about Griffin, Duke had already moved on. Anna's more than happy to give Griffin any answers she can to questions he has about his late father. Dante and Valerie catch up on each other's personal lives, but she wants to end the conversation when he advises her to keep her distance from Curtis. She also completely ignores the advice, ready for a second date. Curtis asks Hayden to co-sign a lease, but it's really just an excuse for him to bug her about her weird marriage. Laura debates ditching the key, but she knows whatever it's to will still be out there. Alexis and Julian's scenes are boring and pointless, especially considering they start with her bursting into his office holding a 50-year-old murder weapon. I'm about 99% sure Julian's sabotaging Crimson.

Hey, let's talk about how Lucas' father was responsible for the death of Griffin's father. ...Okay, maybe we shouldn't talk about that.

Valerie, if your personal life is none of Dante's business, stop talking to him about your personal life, and stop asking about his. P.S. I'd love it if you went away for another two weeks.

Now that Nikolas has mentioned how much he needs ELQ, since he doesn't have the family's money, I'm more hopeful than ever that the lawsuit will leave him penniless.

Julian: "I do everything to support my family." Except comfort your sister while her daughter is in the hospital.

March 16th, 2016

Sam and Jason flirt over motorcycles and his lack of furniture, and probably would have had sex if he hadn't gotten a delivery. It's pictures he got for his new place, and coincidentally, he used to own them. Alexis bugs Molly about Kristina's secrets, but Molly won't rat out her sister. When Alexis questions Kristina directly, Kristina uses Olivia's lawsuit as a distraction. She's already dodged Sonny's questions but doesn't know that Sonny's suspicious about the tuition check that never got cashed, and has assigned Max to look into it. Epiphany's curious about Franco and Elizabeth's friendship, thinking he went to Philadelphia to see her, not Jake. Meanwhile, Nina's upset about the trip, which he insists was for Jake's benefit, not Elizabeth's. Nina replies that she never thought Elizabeth was an issue until Franco brought her up. Elizabeth decides the best option is to cut Franco out of her life – they're not friends, they'll never be more than that, and Jake can deal. But Franco has read Jake's Adventure and thinks he can find out Jake's secret, so Elizabeth backs down. The real-women issue of Crimson ships in pieces, making Maxie feel she was right to dread the Ides of March. Nina decides that Julian should pay to fix the mess, but Julian refuses.

Jason: "What can we do in ten minutes?" Me: "Wheeeeee!"

Really, Elizabeth's main concern should be why Jake keeps confiding in Franco instead of her or Jason.

Ugh, Julian basically said, "What about men?" to a feminist issue. Shut it, Jules.

Okay, writers, make up your minds: Do you want Maxie with Nathan, Griffin, or Dillon?

March 17th, 2016

Sonny confronts Kristina over being kicked out of school, but he thinks she stood up to a professor's harassment and was unfairly punished. Kristina comes clean about propositioning Parker and being suspended for a semester. Sonny's disappointed, so I don't think she's going to tell the rest of the story anytime soon. Sonny and Alexis both think there's more going on, and Alexis even thinks Parker could be involved. Nina, Maxie, and Dillon cry sabotage, so Julian scrambles to cover his tracks and make it look like the unbound printing was a mistake. He tells the staff that they'll get one more issue and that's it. An offhand comment from Maxie inspires Nina to arrange a contest: The first 15 people in every market to assemble a complete issue of Crimson (using pages dropped from planes) get $1,000. Nina's employees think this could be a success, but that still doesn't answer the question of who's working against them. Olivia comes down with a contrived case of hives (contrives?), so Obrecht offers to watch Leo while she gets treatment. Obrecht then hands Leo off to Franco, wanting him to see that he would make a good father. Franco promptly loses Leo after putting him in a laundry cart. The baby turns up before Olivia can find out what happened, but the situation makes Franco think he'd screw up parenting. Sam and Jason admit that they're falling for each other (in her case, again) and are ready to see where things go. But Sam wants to start over completely, which means getting divorced. Ava tries to take Avery to see Kiki, which leads to a fight between her and Carly over what's best for Avery, which parent protects her better, who slept with whose daughter's boyfriend, etc. Sonny assures Carly that he has everything planned out and they're not going to lose Avery. Ava realizes that her lieutenants aren't very happy with her for allegedly teaming with Paul, which could put her in danger.

Someday I hope to have planes, hourly employees, and thousands of dollars at my disposal so I can make other people do my job for me.

I'm actually 100% fine if Sam and Jason get divorced. They can just get remarried later.

Awww, Leo's a cutie. Looks like Emma left him one of her stuffed koalas.

What's with this show and laundry carts?

March 18th, 2016

Alexis gets into it with Diane, who's defending Lomax despite her own feminist stance. After Lomax starts making threats, Olivia records her. Lomax is dumb enough to try to mess with Bensonhurst, and in the ensuing fight, Diane gets a hold of Olivia's phone and deletes the recording. Meanwhile, the Health Department briefly shuts down the hotel, making Carly think Lomax is trying to intimidate Olivia into dropping the suit. Julian thinks a black rose and "thanks a lot, boss" note from Ava's lieutenants points to danger for her, so he decides to smooth things over with them for his sister. Ava takes steps to protect Avery, asking Sonny to look after her a little longer. This is exactly what Sonny wanted – he sent the note to try to get Ava to do exactly what she's doing. Nina and Maxie consider that Julian might be sabotaging them but ultimately think it's Lomax. Valerie and Curtis bond over losing their mothers, then win the Crimson contest together, further strengthening their relationship. While Molly tries to ease Kristina's anxiety over possibly being bisexual, Sonny decides to go all mob on Parker.

Can we have a murder mystery centering on the mayor?

Why would anyone EVER go after Olivia physically? I don't care how petite she is. She's terrifying!

Sonny thinks he's getting what he wants, so now he's going to be unbearable.

Valerie's actually...enjoyable with Curtis? Is that possible?

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Helena: "I, Helena Cassadine, being of sound mind and body..." Alexis: "Compared to what?" Helena: "I'll pause for comments"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ava: "I'm an upstanding citizen"
Saddest moment: Kristina breaking down over the disaster that is her life
Sweetest/cutest moment: Leo, the newest cutie on the block
Least believable moment: Ava STILL doesn't have any security
Best instances of continuity: Alexis' mother was an opera singer; Maxie once redecorated the penthouse
Worst instance of continuity: Hey, Sonny, if you don't want Kristina to worry about disappointing you, don't tell her you're disappointed in her
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Lomax
Smartest character: Nina
Dumbest character: Franco, for his subpar childcare methods
Unanswered questions of the week: So many all of a sudden!
1. Why does Griffin have a scar?
2. What is Laura's key to?
3. What secret did Helena tell Jake to keep?

The week in a nutshell:

• A black rose and a note from Ava's lieutenants expressing their displeasure over her team-up with Paul made Ava and Julian worry that they could target her. Julian offered to meet with them for her, while Ava asked Sonny to keep Avery a little longer. She had no idea that the note was actually from Sonny, in hopes that Ava would hand over Avery.
• Lomax hired Diane to defend her, leading to a fight between Alexis and Diane over Diane's decision not to stick to her principles. Lomax threatened the plaintiffs if they didn't drop their lawsuit, so Olivia recorded the conversation for blackmail purposes. Diane was able to erase the conversation, but Lomax is already on the outs with the public. The Health Department targeted the Metro Court, most likely on Lomax's orders, and Carly told Olivia she needs to drop the suit.
• Crimson's real-women issue was delivered in pieces, most likely thanks to Julian. Nina tried to turn things around, though she only has one more issue after this to keep the magazine going. A contest to put the magazine together proved to be a huge success, both for the magazine and for Valerie and Curtis' burgeoning relationship.
• Sonny discovered (via Max) that Kristina's tuition check was returned because she was suspended for the semester. When confronted, Kristina confessed some of her secrets, but not the full extent of Parker's identity. Sonny decided to make things right by applying some pressure to the professor in question.
• Sam and Jason almost had sex, then decided to get a divorce. (It kind of made sense in context.)
• Morgan helped Kiki regain consciousness.
• Elizabeth told Franco they're not friends and will never be anything beyond that. He talked her into letting him find out a secret Helena told Jake to keep.
• Helena left everyone a bunch of confusing and/or insulting things in her will.
• Obrecht made Franco babysit Leo to try his hand at parenting, but it barely lasted two minutes before he lost the kid.
• Griffin is Duke's son, and Anna is happy to have a new buddy.
• Nathan told Dante that Claudette was (is?) his wife.

March 21st, 2016

Carly pushes Olivia to drop her lawsuit so Lomax will call off the Department of Health. Alexis has a better idea, though Carly's ready to ask Sonny to kick off a garbage strike. The trial goes forward, but Alexis and Olivia don't do such a great job proving that anyone's rights were violated. As the judge is about to announce his verdict, Carly brings in a couple of mothers for a small-scale nurse-in. Lomax and the judge both object, so Nina protests, tearing open her shirt in solidarity. Maxie, Olivia, Alexis, and Carly join her, and the judge really has no choice but to rule in Olivia's favor. Carly then presses Lomax to get the Health Department to retreat. Lomax warns Alexis that she's not done being annoying. Nina tells Dante that Crimson is a victim of corporate espionage, something the PCPD can't help her with. But Curtis is apparently a PI, and he agrees to look into things, with Valerie as his trust sidekick/assistant. She asks for more information on his past with Jordan, and he tells her that they worked together at the DEA after Thomas died, but they weren't a good fit, and he left. Tracy asks Monica to pull the plug on her if her condition deteriorates to the point where she's unresponsive. Monica doesn't think things are that bad, but she can't deny it any longer when Tracy mistakes Dillon for Ned. Tracy's biopsy shows that she doesn't have cancer, but Mayes doesn't know what he's dealing with. Brad shares the test results with Griffin, who thinks his earlier suspicions about Tracy's illness being tied to Mexico are correct. (Mayes is upset about this and wants to punish them, as if he didn't also violate HIPAA regulations last week.) Griffin tells Tracy to find an expert in infectious diseases, and Monica knows just the guy – Hamilton Finn, a Silas Clay lookalike with a lizard.

Can we just impeach Lomax and move on already?

For the first time in months, I felt sorry for Dante today. Everywhere he goes, his mother's topless.

There sure have been a lot of mentions of Alan recently. Just saying.

Griffin, you were there when Mayes told Dillon about Tracy's condition without her consent, e.g., when he violated doctor/patient confidentiality. Say something!

Nina has a lot of money, right? Why doesn't Julian just sell Crimson to her?

Is this lizard going to important to the storyline? Do we really need the lizard? Does it have a name as horrible as Hamilton Finn?

March 22nd, 2016

Finn shows up at GH (with Roxie the lizard in hand) and quickly diagnoses Tracy with worms. Tracy's eager to be treated, but Obrecht objects since Finn doesn't have privileges there, and it'll take a few days to verify that he has privileges somewhere else. While Tracy and Monica fight with Obrecht, Finn checks into the Metro Court, planning to stay indefinitely. Spinelli looks up the phone number Sam got from Baxter's phone and tells her it belongs to someone named Naomi Dreyfus. Sam checks with Alexis to make sure she's within her legal rights to continue the investigation, couching it in an attempt to protect a child. Alexis assures her that she can investigate on her own all she wants. Sam heads to Wyndemere and throws out the name Naomi, rattling Hayden. Nina has an appointment with Kelly to see if Britt told her the truth about being pre-menopausal. Franco finds out and interrupts, finally telling Nina straight out that he doesn't want a kid. He asks Nina to be happy with their lives as they are now, since he is. Nina agrees, then asks Kelly to run the tests anyway. Franco mentions Jake's Adventure to Jason, adding that Elizabeth wants him to work with Jake. Jason confronts Elizabeth for keeping secrets but reluctantly agrees to let Franco help. Hayden notices the reflection of a person in the teapot in the portrait Helena gave Nikolas. He tries to keep her from giving it a closer look, like, if you don't want people to look at it, don't keep it in the living room. Sam and Jason sign their divorce papers and I manage not to cry.

For the love of God, will someone PLEASE get Obrecht off of my TV? Take her out when you take out Lomax.

Shouldn't there be an easy way around this stupid Obrecht objection? Can't Finn just tell Griffin the protocol to give Tracy, and have Griffin administer it?

Someone should warn Kiki that a guy who looks like her dead father is hanging around the hospital. And then someone should take Finn to Pentonville to mess with Madeline's head.

I need to marry rich so I can sit around and stare at paintings all day.

March 23rd, 2016

Elizabeth catches Hayden talking to herself about Naomi Dreyfus and latches on to a subject she knows Hayden doesn't want to talk about. Hayden complains about Elizabeth and the boys' presence in the house, calling Elizabeth a charity case and mocking her for her past mistakes. Elizabeth gives as good as she gets, taunting that Nikolas doesn't trust Hayden and values his friendship with Elizabeth more than his marriage. After Hayden leaves, threatening to have Elizabeth thrown out, Elizabeth Finder-Spyders Naomi Dreyfus and is stunned by what comes up. Carly meets Finn and they spent the whole episode talking about Roxie, who is apparently a service animal. Sonny patches things up with Kristina, then tells her he sent Max after Parker. Kristina can barely hold it together long enough to convince him to call Max off. Then she has a new wrinkle to deal with: Parker's back in town. Obrecht refuses to let Tracy start Finn's treatment until she and Monica threaten a lawsuit. Tracy also entices me with the idea of Monica supplanting Obrecht as chief of staff. Laura's still interested in finding out what the key opens, and she plans to start with luggage in Wyndemere's attic.

I hate that Hayden made me side with Elizabeth in their argument. If she thinks Nikolas will kick Elizabeth and the boys out after their house burned down, she's nuts. Also, no way are the boys brats. Aiden and Cameron are angels.

Interesting that Carly describes Monica as her former mother-in-law. I wouldn't think she would want to remember that marriage. Just say she's your son's grandmother.

Speaking of service animals, whatever happened to Shawn's service dog?

"I don't want to do anything to make her happy." Well, Nikolas, she's roasting in Hell, so there's probably very little that would make her happy right now.

It didn't serve a purpose and was probably filler, but I thought the Sonny/Carly scene was cute. It's always nice when they're happy and manage to have a whole conversation without fighting or freaking out about one of their kids.

March 24th, 2016

Hayden rushes to Diane to get the papers that will transfer ELQ from Nikolas to her. Nikolas is already there, having stopped by to change his will to leave more to Hayden. Hayden spins her actions to claim that she only had the transfer papers drawn up as insurance and forgot to tell Nikolas about them. He says he believes her, but after she leaves, he tells Diane the papers won't be necessary, and that he won't be changing his will right now. Elizabeth's Internet research turns up something about a hedge-fund scam, plus Hayden's real name, Rachel Berlin. Parker's back to check on Kristina after the hostage crisis at the wedding, and because she's not happy that Max was poking around Wesleyan. Kristina pushes her away, equally unhappy because Parker keeps reaching out, then insisting that nothing can happen between them. She finally gets Parker to leave, but first there's a goodbye kiss. Anna tells Griffin some more about Duke, accidentally mentioning that she did something to Carlos. Griffin encourages her to forgive, and Anna turns on him, annoyed by all his questions. Michael has questions for Anna about Carlos; he'd like to know how long he's been back in Sabrina's life, so he can determine whether Sabrina went with Carlos willingly or by force. Anna runs him off, so Michael turns to Felix, telling him that Carlos is alive and Sabrina's with him. The two agree to do whatever's necessary to track her down. Laura and Lulu check out Wyndemere's attic and find out that the key fits a trunk that appears to have been placed there recently. Maxie bugs Griffin again about appearing in Crimson, but he still won't do it. He basically tells her he thinks she's pretty, but he knows she's hands-off because she's seeing someone. (It sounds like he's hooked up with someone who was "hands-off" before.) Nathan dreams about Maxie finding out who Claudette is and hating him.

Uh-oh, Nikolas is starting to make smart decisions...

Elizabeth uncovering Hayden's secrets reminds me of when she busted Britt for the whole Ben/Rocco thing. Incidentally, that was the last time I almost kind of, sort of liked Elizabeth.

Am I supposed to be rooting for Kristina and Parker? The whole thing is gross. Parker's married! She's in a position of power over Kristina! Kristina told her to back off and Parker didn't! Parker doesn't seem to think Kristina should come out at her own pace! She's being creepy!

"A little jealousy can be attractive." Don't encourage him, Maxie.

March 25th, 2016

Elizabeth taunts Hayden with her real identity while Hayden plays innocent, but when Elizabeth spills the news to Nikolas, Hayden comes clean. Her father was a fictional Bernie Madoff, and Rachel was suspected of being in on his scam, though Hayden swears she wasn’t. Nikolas is furious that his wife lied to him and tried to steal ELQ out from under him. Hayden thinks her love should be enough to smooth things over. Parker tells Kristina again that they can't be together, and Kristina's liked women all along, and she'll have to figure things out on her own, or something. The gist is that Kristina is a lonely bisexual or lesbian stuck without the person she wants to be with. The trunk contains one of Scott's textbooks from law school with a corsage from a formal pressed inside. Laura explains that she spent a ton of money on Scott's books, then got a job at the campus disco, where she met Luke. Lulu bugs her to let the whole thing go, but when Laura sees that letters in the book have been circled, she's determined to solve the puzzle Helena has left her. Carlos calls Paul to complain that he hasn't gotten his most recent payment, and to repeat that he's not coming back to submit to Paul's deal. Anna tells Paul she's tired of waiting and will track Carlos down herself. Paul then calls someone with the tip that Carlos is alive. Anna accuses Griffin of working for Paul and wearing a wire to get her to confess to shooting Carlos. Griffin's confused because he just wants to know more about his father. He agrees to let Anna do a DNA test to prove that he's really Duke's son. Sonny and Epiphany get the filler scenes, but at least Epiphany gets some screen time. Then Griffin and Sonny talk about forgiveness while I try to stay awake.

See how much more fun it is to tell secrets instead of keep them, Elizabeth?

Oh, NOW Nikolas is worried about other people's children's inheritances. I'm just going to keep rewatching the previews for Monday, which tease more Morgan Family Togetherness Time while Nikolas picks up the pieces of his heart.

Parker, unless you're a professor of psychology, stop with the psychoanalysis.

Yeah, yeah, don't speak ill of the dead, blah – remember how Duke almost had Jordan killed?

Scorecard:
Divorced: Jason and Sam Morgan
New in town: Hamilton Finn

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Griffin: "You're welcome." Tracy: "I haven't thanked you yet." Griffin: "I know, but why wait?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Valerie's face when Curtis called her his assistant
Saddest moment: Kristina getting dumped
Sweetest/cutest moment: N/A
Least believable moment: Hayden's been in town for a year and no one has recognized her
Best instances of continuity: Alexis mentioned Helena's nude portrait; the portrait of Laura in the attic is, I think, the same one that's been around since Stefan's time
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Finn
Most annoying character: It's a toss-up between Lomax and Obrecht, and all of us are the losers
Smartest character: Carly
Dumbest character: Hayden
Previously unanswered question now answered: Laura's key was to a trunk.

The week in a nutshell:

• Sam and Spinelli's investigation into Hayden's past turned up the name Naomi Dreyfus, which shook Hayden when Sam mentioned it to her. Elizabeth heard the name from Hayden herself and finished the investigation, uncovering Hayden's real name, Rachel Berlin, and her connection to a hedge-fund scam. At the same time, Nikolas learned of Hayden's plans to sign over ELQ to herself. Elizabeth told Nikolas what Hayden was hiding, which led to an hour of Hayden promising that she really does love Nikolas.
• Monica contacted a service-lizard-employing infectious-disease specialist named Hamilton Finn who quickly came to town, diagnosed Tracy, and started her on a treatment, despite Obrecht's protests.
• Kristina made Sonny back off of going after Parker, but Parker had already heard Max was snopping and came to Port Charles to confront Kristina. Kristina attempted to push her away, not wanting to stir up old drama if they can't be together. There was kissing, but Parker isn't going to leave her wife, so Kristina's on her own to deal with her sexual identity and unresolvable feelings for Parker.
• Laura and Lulu found a trunk in Wyndemere's attic with a lock that fit Laura's key. Inside were a corsage Laura wore to a formal with Scott and one of his old law school texts with letters circled.
• Olivia won her lawsuit against Lomax, with the help of some bra-exposing friends.
• Anna grew cold, then paranoid when Griffin started asking her questions about Carlos. He agreed to submit to a DNA test to prove his paternity. Anna then told Paul that she's going to find Carlos on his own, but she'd better hurry because he's letting word get out that Carlos is alive.
• Franco tried to convince Nina to be happy without children, but she still wants to find out if she can have them.
• Curtis agreed to find out who's sabotaging Crimson.
• Jason was less happy with Elizabeth's agreement to let Franco help Jake than he was about finalizing his divorce from Sam.
• Nathan, just tell Maxie about Claudette already; she's probably going to end up with Griffin anyway.
• Michael and Felix want to find Sabrina.

March 28th, 2016

When begging Nikolas to believe that she really loves him doesn't work, Hayden points out his hypocrisy – he's mad at her for being a fraud when he spent months lying to his family. Elizabeth wants to call the police on Hayden, but Laura's worried that they'll reopen her shooting case and Nikolas will get in trouble. Instead, Elizabeth settles for a catfight, telling Hayden she's just a stand-in because Nikolas can't have Emily. Hayden replies that Elizabeth clings to Nikolas because she's incapable of being alone, but she won't be able to use Nikolas to add to her brood of "bastards." Meanwhile, Nikolas tells Sam who Hayden really is and asks her to reopen the Hayden investigation (but keep the police out of it). After some Morgan Family Togetherness Time, Sam and Jason drop Danny off with Monica at the hospital (so they can go on a date!) and end up visiting Tracy. Aunt and nephew have nothing to discuss until Jason realizes that Tracy thinks he's Edward. She tells him she's sorry she always disappointed him and promises to get ELQ back, even if it means begging Jason for help. She adds that she has a secret weapon: Rachel. Scott's no help with figuring out how Helena got a hold of one of his books, so Laura gets to work trying to decipher the code. Obrecht is still a jerk, and Finn is already sick of her. He threatens to report Mayes for performing unnecessary surgery on Tracy if Obrecht doesn't let him do his job. Paul wants to team up with Ava again, but she's not on board.

I can't believe Nikolas didn't kick Hayden out. I guess they just had to have a reason for her to be there to fight with Elizabeth, because we haven't had enough of that.

Okay, now I like Hayden again. Thanks for calling Nikolas and Elizabeth on their crap! But you did deserve to be slapped. Don't bring the kids into this.

"So, worms, huh?" almost made me choke. God bless you, Billy Miller.

Since the enemy of my enemy is my friend, I would like to extend a warm, official welcome to Finn.

March 29th, 2016

Elizabeth convinces Hayden to leave town, firing the parting shot that she's going to go give Nikolas some comfort. Nikolas, however, would rather have his wife back, since he still loves her. Hayden runs into Curtis on her way out of town and he talks her into staying, pointing out that she can use Nikolas' hit on her to blackmail him. Sam and Jason start to put things together about Hayden and her dealings with Tracy. Jason's commitment to helping the Quartermaines get back ELQ has been renewed, which makes Sam proud. Ned returns to be with Tracy, who asks him and Dillon to get ELQ back (and also kill their fathers if they feel the urge). Anna thinks Sonny leaked the news that Carlos is alive, but after they put their heads together, she realizes it was probably Paul. Sonny suggests that they bug Paul's phone and hotel room, though Anna will have to pretend she doesn't know about it. The two of them talk about forgiveness, inspired by their conversations with Griffin, and Sonny says he'll never be able to forgive Ava or Julian. Ava doesn't think she can get a loyal bodyguard right now, so she asks Scott to move in with her for protection. He's reluctant, but he happens to be in a bit of a bad financial situation (thanks to bad investments with one Raymond Berlin), so he doesn't have much of a choice. Jordan and Curtis work together to thwart a robber at Kelly's, showing that they were probably pretty good partners once upon a time. Somehow, though, their current relationships with Andre and Valerie seem strengthened.

You have to love the idea of Ned, Dillon, Jason, and Michael working together to take ELQ back from Nikolas.

I found the fact that Scott lost all his money to Raymond Berlin way funnier than I should have.

I really hope we get a scene where Scott has to babysit Avery.

Valerie, shut up about Curtis and Jordan already. Well, really, just shut up in general.

March 30th, 2016

Morgan's in a depression and tells Michael he feels broken and empty. A visit from Carly, Josslyn, and Avery cheers him a little, but he soon sends his sisters away, not wanting them to see him like this. He tells Carly that he might never get back to the person he used to be. At the hospital, Franco fills Kiki in on what's been happening with Morgan, which makes her want to go see him. Despite Ava's protests that she needs to focus on her own recovery, Kiki convinces her mother to take her to see Morgan. Morgan's happy at first but immediately tells Kiki to cut ties with him. Julian smoothes things over with one of Ava's lieutenants, who tells him there's a vacuum now that Ava's keeping her distance, so Julian's leadership would be appreciated. After making some sort of deal, Julian mentions that he and Ava didn't appreciate the black rose and the note. The lieutenant denies sending it, and since Julian's next stop is Sonny's, it looks like he's figured out who was really behind it. Kristina cautiously tells Alexis that Parker is a woman, then kind of, sort of comes out. Alexis thinks she's confused because she’s had such bad experiences with men, and maybe also just experimenting because, you know, college. Kristina's hurt that the parent she thought would be accepting seems disappointed in her. Scott proves to be a crappy bodyguard, so Ava's already regretting their arrangement. Franco learns of his father's new residence and asks if they're hooking up. Scott says he would never sleep with Ava, but on this show, anything's possible. (Also, Ava's already in the Slept With Father and Son Club, so it's not like this would be a big move for her.) Carly asks Sonny how he's going to play a part in Carlos' return to town. He not only declines to tell her but also asks Michael to look after her so he can keep his family and business separate.

Morgan's finally making a good decision! I don't think Kiki needs to stay away forever, of course, but he's right to send her away for now.

Josslyn turned out to be such a good sister. I miss her sass, though.

What would be hilarious is if Julian helps Alexis accept Kristina's sexuality like she helped him accept Lucas'.

Thanks, writers, for naming this mob guy Brick. I keep thinking Sonny's talking to Britt.

March 31st, 2016

Kiki talks Morgan out of banishing her forever, then assures him that he's not responsible for her shooting. They're still totally codependent and this is a really, really bad relationship right now. Then again, Morgan's able to calm Kiki when she has a PTSD reaction to a loud noise, so I guess it's not 100 percent horrible. Julian confronts Sonny for the black rose and note, but Sonny denies sending them. He changes the subject to Carlos, warning Julian that he's on his way to prison. He then teams with Anna to distract Paul so Sonny's IT guy, Brick, can bug his phone. The first conversation Sonny overhears is Paul telling Carlos not to come back to town. Emma's in town to visit Anna, which means she's present when Griffin gives Anna the results of the DNA test proving that he's Duke's son. Emma's an immediate fan and tells Griffin a little about his father. Julian assures Ava that she's not in danger from her lieutenants, but pretends he doesn't know where the rose and note came from. She guesses he had to make some sort of sacrifice to protect her, and might secretly be in charge of the Jerome organization again. Carly and Finn talk about lizards and saving lives and stuff. She almost catches him injecting himself with something from a giant syringe that no one on earth would ever use. Ava and Carly play an early April Fool's joke on the audience, agreeing to table any arguments about Avery for the time being. Ava even thanks Carly for helping to save Kiki when she was shot. Paul's pouty because Finn won't tell him anything about Tracy's condition.

If they're going to do a PTSD storyline with Kiki, they need to see it through, unlike Molly and Shawn's.

Stephen A. Smith isn't a bad actor. He's definitely better than a lot of guest stars the show has had.

Carly should have responded to Finn's story about Roxie with, "I know all about Australian lizards. Have you ever heard of the Jacks brothers?"

I guess we're supposed to think Finn has a drug problem, but I'm not convinced.

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