May 9th, 2016

Jason regains consciousness after the crash to find the driving cop dead and Dante trapped under the transport van with Carlos' pen jammed in his chest. (Nathan is MIA.) As he tries to figure out how to help Dante, he gets some visitors inside his head:

• Robin encourages him to use his skill set (motor vehicles, not murder) to come up with a solution.
• Carly talks about perseverance and how things are never as disastrous as they seem. She helps Jason realize that there's a fuel leak, so it's not safe for him to start the van. He decides to try to use a sign as a lever to lift the van enough so he can pull Dante out.
• Helena claims that Jason's still fighting his conditioning, and encourages him to just leave town. She adds that his memories will again be wiped.
• Sam pops up in time to help Jason stand up to Helena and refuse to let her control him again. He thinks he's dying, and he's happy to get to spend his last few minutes with Sam. He tells her he loves her, then collapses.
• Sonny revives Jason and asks him to keep working to save Dante. Jason's ready to give up and leave, complaining that his life has never been his own. He remembers the first time he met Sonny, and how Sonny taught him to take responsibility for his own life. Then he goes back to his lever and saves Dante just before the van explodes.

Cue Celine Dion: "It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now..."

Hey, guess who wasn't in the cavalcade of regular characters and special guest stars in Jason's head? That's right: Elizabeth. Ha!

So Nathan ran off after Carlos without helping Dante? Nope, I don't buy it.

You know it's bad when your own daughter's like, "Best-case scenario: Dad goes to prison."

The fact that there's a new Danny just boosts my fear that teasers I've read point to something bad happening to him this summer. Stay strong, little buddy!

Awww, they named the puppy Annabelle II. That's awesome.

May 10th, 2016

After having been established a hero for saving Dante, Jason tracks down Sam and gives her the news that he's recovered all of his memories. Nathan chases Carlos through the woods, then collapses with a head injury. Griffin promises Maxie he'll do everything he can to help Nathan because he owes it to his patient. Anna's suspicious about Paul's part in Carlos' escape, but she quickly shifts focus to finding the fugitive. She manages to hunt him down on the same pier where she shot him almost exactly a year ago. She decides he's not worth shooting again and prepares to arrest him. Carlos fakes weakness from blood loss to trick Anna into coming close enough so he can overpower her. After some hand-to-hand combat, Carlos knocks out Anna, stashes her in an abandoned freezer, and calls Julian for help. Sam catches Alexis requesting an autopsy for Hale and urges her to quit as Carlos' attorney. Julian interrupts and complains about how Sam and Molly have been treating their mother. Sam has no patience for her father's claims of innocence and is pretty sure he's been lying to Alexis. Carly surprises even herself by telling Sonny they need to be patient with Jason and the relationship he wants with them now. She also amuses Sonny by teasing that Alexis is only with Julian because she couldn't be with Sonny. Lulu advises Maxie to drop the Claudette thing and leave the past in the past. Griffin confides in Anna that he was once shot, but he still thinks he deserved it because of the act he was engaging in at the time.

Thank you, show, for what is by far the best birthday present you've ever given me.

Dante: "You lifted the van?" Jason, basically: "No. Science!"

Best laughs of the episode: The way Alexis said, "Go to Hell," and the way Jason said, "I don't have a pen jammed in my shoulder."

Alexis: "Carlos just escaped." Sam: (looks at Julian). Thanks, Sam!

Why would Lulu call Olivia to babysit instead of to go to the ER? Who did Lisa LoCicero tick off to get so little to do?

May 11th, 2016

Julian agrees to meet Carlos and give him some money, though the fact that he plans to bring a gun along indicates that he's planning something nefarious. Alexis catches him getting ready to leave, so he tells her he wants to keep the gun close for protection in case Carlos comes after him. She takes it away, so Julian grabs Helena's dagger. He tells Alexis he's going out to solve a Crimson crisis; she pretends to believe him, then tries to call Nina for confirmation. Julian gets Carlos to promise never to contact him again, which Carlos is fine with; "men like [them]" keep each other's secrets. Julian's like, "You know that saying about how two can keep a secret if one of them is dead? Here's a dagger in the gut to drive my point home." Carly asks Sonny (and Michael, kind of) for the millionth time to let the police deal with Carlos. For once, Sonny actually listens, going to the Davis-Jerome house to see Julian instead. When he learns that Julian's out, he tells Alexis that her husband is going after Carlos, as if she doesn't already know that. Anna dreams about Duke, which is just a creative way to give her the episode's filler scenes. Kiki begs Nina to come home and deal with Franco, who's painting a lot and worrying her. Nina refuses to talk to him, telling Dillon and Kiki that it would take a grand gesture to make her even consider it. (Also, I think she ships them together.) Meanwhile, Franco pays Heather a visit to ask for advice on winning Nina back. Heather says that if they were always really compatible in bed, they just need to get back in bed. Franco translates this as "show up at Nina's office naked."

Why did Julian bother giving Carlos the envelope full of money if he was just going to kill him? I hope he gets it back before he tosses Carlos in the harbor.

If Sonny's really going to Crimson, PLEASE let him walk in on Franco and Nina. It would be hilarious.

I guess no one bothered to tell Nina that her fake brother is in the hospital.

"Are you still mad about that?" asks the woman who's been bitter about an undelivered letter for five years.

I could really do without the parallels between Heather and Scott's sex life and Franco and Nina's. (So could Kiki, probably.)

May 12th, 2016

Julian stabs Carlos a bunch of times, shoves him in the harbor, and goes to Crimson to hide out. Michael comes across Carlos and pulls him out of the water. He agrees to help Carlos if Carlos tells him where Sabrina and the baby are. Carlos refuses, but Michael calls 911 anyway. Nina notices a stain on Julian's shirt, but when Alexis shows up, she goes along with his lie that he spilled wine on himself. Alexis has no choice but to buy Julian's story that he was at the office the whole time, even when she learns that Carlos was attacked. Jordan, Andre, and Paul realize that Anna's MIA and worry that Carlos found her before she could find him. Andre uses his forensic psychology skills to find her and get her to the hospital for hypothermia treatment. As Carlos loses blood in the ER, Sonny and Anna find themselves hoping that he survives so he can rat out Julian. Felix informs them that he might not live long enough to have surgery, so Sonny and Anna demand to talk to him. Felix tells them that Carlos wants last rites, so the only person who can see him other than a medical professional is a priest. Well, guess what: Griffin's a priest! Franco's grand gesture isn't grand enough. Griffin gets Nathan through surgery, then tries to downplay why he said he owed him. Maxie comforts Obrecht, unlike Franco, who would rather complain about his own problems than offer Obrecht any sympathy. She tells him that since she's no longer the chief of staff, she can't protect him anymore.

When Carlos told him to go to Hell, Michael should have replied, "Save me a seat."

It would be awful but interesting if Michael were suspected of stabbing Carlos.

Poor Felix, getting sucked into all this drama. But at least he gets something to do.

Wouldn't it be funny if Alexis started to think that Julian's having an affair with Nina? Okay, not haha funny.

And that's why you close your office door when your ex is in there naked.

May 13th, 2016

Anna's furious that Griffin's willing to administer last rites to Carlos when she could be using this time to interrogate him. Carlos dies (ALLEGEDLY – it's Carlos, after all), and Anna's upset that she's lost her chance to nab Julian for Duke's murder. Sonny points out that he probably killed Carlos, so they're not completely out of options. Sonny's also interested in who provided Carlos with the pen he used to stab Dante, letting Paul know that he's going to find out. Alexis wonders if Julian doubled back to the house and grabbed the gun to go after Carlos. When Jordan tells them that Carlos was stabbed, Alexis puts everything together. Hayden asks Curtis to steal her diamonds, but he's too smart to get involved in that madness. He suggests that she start selling items from Wyndemere to make some money, an act Hayden hopes will make Nikolas fork over her $5 million to make her go away. Nikolas has his own plan, which he shares with Elizabeth: He's giving away all of Hayden's clothes to try to make her crazy enough to leave on her own.

Thanks for your help, Griffin, but Carlos is definitely going to Hell.

Since when is Anna so anti-religion?

Hi, police, you can't just leave a murder victim unattended. Y'all are awful.

Curtis has a lot more patience than I do to keep putting up with Hayden's crap. She's exhausting.

I actually would have given Elizabeth a respectful fist bump if she'd taken some of Hayden's clothes.

Scorecard:
Hero: Jason Morgan
Injured: Dante Falconeri, Nathan West
Presumed dead: Carlos Rivera (I'll believe he's really dead when he doesn't resurface for the next five years. I'm not making that mistake again)

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Hallucinated Carly, who's even funnier than real Carly
Funniest moments (unintentional): Dante "I Have a Pen Sticking Out of Me But I'm Fiiiiiine" Falconeri; Jason lying on the ground next to Dante like they were hanging out on a picnic blanket
Saddest moment: I actually felt a little sorry for Obrecht when she was worried about Nathan
Sweetest/cutest moment: Sam and Jason, forever and always (just edged out Danny)
Least believable moment: Nathan ditched Dante after the accident
Best instance of continuity: Sam and Jason used to drink tequila and play dominos
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Jason
Most annoying character: Julian
Smartest character: Andre
Dumbest character: Julian

The week in a nutshell:

• Carlos pulled a Richard Kimble after the prison van/motorcycle crash and went to his favorite place, the docks. Anna found him and prepared to arrest him, but Carlos got the better of her and stashed her in a meat locker, where she dreamed about Duke and was eventually rescued by Andre. Carlos managed to hide out long enough to contact Julian for help leaving the country. Julian's version of "help" was pretending to give him money, stabbing him with Helena's dagger, and pushing him into the harbor. Michael found Carlos and got him medical attention, though it was mostly too late. Griffin happens to be a priest, which was convenient when Carlos requested last rites. Anna was ticked because apparently she has no patience for Catholicism, and also because she can't tie Carlos to Julian. Meanwhile, Alexis figured out that her husband's a murderer.
• Jason spent an hour talking to people who weren't there, then used physics to save Dante. His reward was the return of all of his memories.
• While he was making plans for Carlos, Julian told Alexis he was going to Crimson, where Nina's been staying. Urged by Heather to make a grand gesture, Franco showed up there naked, but Nina wasn't swayed. Alexis did find her husband there later, only after Nina saw Carlos' blood on his shirt.
• Curtis helped Hayden come up with a way to bug Nikolas while Nikolas told Elizabeth how he's going to drive Hayden away.
• Nathan suffered a head injury, but Griffin saved him in surgery.

May 16th, 2016

Julian seems to think Alexis is dumb and/or forgiving and/or will accept his emotional manipulation and admit that she should have known he would revert to his wicked ways. She finds the cloth he wiped the dagger on, which he burns just as Sonny arrives to confront him. Jake complains about being removed from art therapy, and Franco complains that Elizabeth changed her mind and sided with Jason. She slams Franco for acting like his old self and threatening to tell Jake that his father is a killer. Jake goes missing for, like, the eighth time in his life, then somehow finds his way to Franco's apartment. Jason tells Sam the details of his memory coming back and confirms that it's all there. Then they talked about some other stuff, but I didn't really hear it because I just kept saying, "Now get remarried" over and over. Carly shows Finn the employee list and he determines that she needs to find someone named T. Adams who worked as an administrator and left the hospital shortly after Josslyn's transplant. Sonny tells Carly that Carlos is dead but the whole thing still isn't over, since Julian hasn't been taken down. Monica tells Finn that Obrecht asked a committee to look into his elderly patient's death, but no fault was found.

Usually I like Nancy Lee Grahn's acting, but a couple of her scenes today were way over the top.

Julian's confusing "complicit" with "bound by attorney-client privilege." He's also confusing Alexis with a person who wants to stay married to him.

Jason: "You let me sleep in." Oh, did you have somewhere to be? You don't have a job, dude.

Amy, GO AWAY.

May 17th, 2016

Sam and Jason realize that recovering his memories won't be all fun and games, since he'll have to revisit some unpleasant things. But the good news is that he gets to spread cheer to his loved ones, like Monica, Carly, and Michael, who are all thrilled to have the previous Jason back. Sonny tries to get Alexis to leave the house with him while Julian tries to mark his territory. Sonny starts smashing things, as is his way, and when he turns on Julian, Alexis shields her husband. Now that she's chosen a side and that side isn't his, Sonny basically gives her the kiss of death. Julian has held on to his bloody shirt, so Alexis offers to burn it for him. After he leaves the room, she changes her mind and hides it instead. Franco urges Elizabeth to let him keep helping Jake. He may have her almost worn down when he mentions the fact that Jake has never had a stable father figure, which she takes offense to. Someone leaves Sabrina's son on the Quartermaines' doorstep without a note. Tracy's like, "All right, free baby! Your name is Edward now!" When Michael sees the baby's rattle, he realizes he's Sabrina's. Laura thinks Helena's "Heartbreak Hotel" clue is leading her to the campus disco. Kevin insists on continuing to help her. Lucy thinks they're dating and sadly gives them her blessing. Also, she doesn't like Amy, so that's nice.

So much happiness in the Jason plot: Monica got to be the second person to find out he's recovering his memories! Carly and Sam said they were happy for each other! Michael got his second father figure back! HE CALLED MONICA "MOM"!

Jason's still high-fiving people, so I guess that's staying.

Sheesh, now Sonny's breaking glass stuff in other people's homes.

"What campus? What disco?" Are...are you kidding? There's someone who doesn't now about Luke, Laura, and the campus disco?

Felix, I love you, so I'm just going to give you a warning: Don't ever bring up Mr. Marbles again.

How can Amy know so much Port Charles history and still be so clueless?

May 18th, 2016

Jason is officially done with the mob, at least for now, but he still wants to be friends with Sonny. He even asks Sonny to come to him if he ever needs help and promises that, if Sonny and Julian ever battle, he's Team Sonny. Sonny supports Jason's decision to go legit, even encouraging it, and wants Jason to turn to him if he needs help, too. Laura and Kevin go to the campus disco, where she tells him about her rape. She admits that she feels like she was expected to forgive Luke because he felt so bad. She also regrets what happened that night but not the life it led to. They find what they think is another clue from Helena, but it's just a blank piece of paper. The disco's real estate agent tells them that the owners won't accept any offers, revealing that their names are Lloyd and Lucy Johnson, Luke and Laura's old aliases. Kevin assures Laura that he's with her for wherever the journey takes them next. Michael urges Tracy to take the baby to the hospital and call the police, two things Tracy doesn't want to do. She agrees to call Finn over to check out "Edward," and he sides with Michael. Eventually, Michael sneaks out with Edward and takes him to see Felix. Hayden tells Nikolas she's selling his stuff, so of course he puts a stop to it. He suggests that she get a job, but she notes that she's not exactly a premier job candidate. He asks her if she's a daddy's girl, only taking things handed to her, and tells her to use her con skills. Hayden thinks Tracy and Michael will give her a job at ELQ, which is laughable at best and delusional at worst. Diane informs Nikolas that Jason filed paperwork with the IRS when he bought back ELQ, so now Nikolas owes back taxes. Nikolas whines about money and being screwed over by Jason, because he certainly never did anything that would merit such treatment! Finn gets Felix to let him into the hospital's drug lockup, though it's not clear what he takes. Later, he loses another patient.

I'm so confused – Jason told Sam he's remembered everything, but he told Sonny it's still coming back. Make up your mind, writers.

Are we supposed to be surprised that Jason's siding with Sonny over Julian? Sam's not even Team Julian.

I was afraid they were going to spend an hour on Luke and Laura's history, so thank God they had her say some very important things and then drop it.

I shouldn't have laughed when Nikolas asked Hayden, "Are you still hanging on to that?" when she brought up her shooting. And yet...

Hayden, if you're wondering where you went wrong, it was when you told Nikolas you were selling his stuff instead of keeping your mouth shut and just doing it. And then it was when you thought Tracy would ever give you any kind of help.

May 19th, 2016

A DNA test shows that Lil' Edward is Sabrina's son, but there's still no news on where she is. Her aunt Inocencia seems to have traveled from and back to Puerto Rico under a fake name, which means she's now wanted by the FBI for crossing state lines with a minor. Also, she's now MIA. Michael decides to bypass the federal investigation and call on Sonny to look into things. Lil' Edward has been handed over to Social Services, but Tracy pulls some strings and gets herself certified as a foster parent so she can have him back. Ned and Dillon just hope she remembers that she can't keep him. Kiki agrees to go on vacation with Ava and Avery, then changes her mind so she can be around for Morgan. Ava visits Morgan and urges him to break things off with Kiki so he won't end up hurting her again. Meanwhile, Dillon invites Kiki to go see a band with him. Obrecht forces Monica to hold a hearing to decide whether Finn should be investigated for his patients' deaths. Monica goes to bat for him and gets the accusations dismissed, so Obrecht calls his previous hospital to do more digging. Carly thinks that Kiki and Morgan should be together, in case anyone wondered where she stands.

Everyone can stop saying they don't know where Lil' Edward's parents are. You know where his dad is – the morgue.

No one's going to mention that Dante had a pen sticking out of him, like, two days ago? He's fit for work? Can Nathan make a miraculous recovery, too, so we can see him at the ball?

Ava, things between Morgan and Kiki always go bad because of YOU. That said, I'm actually on your side about this – they should never, ever, ever get back together. And I don't just say that because Dillon and Kiki are so cute together.

Carly tells Morgan she's not there to talk about herself, and then...talks about herself. What a shock.

May 20th, 2016

Sonny agrees to go to Puerto Rico with Michael, even though he and Carly are both anti-Sabrina right now. It turns out Sabrina's being held captive by Inocencia's son, Marcos, and he's just now finding out that his mother took the baby to Port Charles. Sabrina and Inocencia try to convince him to let Sabrina go, and though he pretends to go along, he decides he just needs to kill her. Nikolas gets a court order forcing Hayden and Curtis to end their "fire sale," so Hayden will have to find another way to get her hands on some money. When Lucy bugs Nikolas about a donation and he can't give her one, Hayden realizes that his money situation is worse than she thought. Maybe not for much longer, though, since he's just sold her diamonds. Lucas suggests that he and Brad get married at the Nurses' Ball, since their family and friends will be there, and they won't have to pay for catering or flowers. Lucy is honored to be asked to officiate. Morgan takes Ava's advice and tells Kiki they have to stop seeing each other. She's not happy about it, but I have a suggestion of someone who might be able to help her move on. Ava tries to take Avery from Carly, who arranges for the delivery of her nursery furniture to get delayed so Avery has to stay put for now. (Carly's losing her touch.)

I'm pretty sure that shack in Puerto Rico is really the Quartermaines' boathouse.

Dude, Marcos, your mom did you a favor. You don't have to buy diapers or listen to a crying baby.

Guys, it's okay that Nikolas is selling stolen diamonds – it's for charity!

Hayden makes a good point – what happened to the millions of dollars Jason just gave Nikolas for ELQ a month ago?

Lucy needs some sort of babysitter or handler or something. Felicia, can you get on that?

Did Carly have a personality transplant? First she thought she could talk Sonny and Michael out of leaving. Then she seemed surprised at Ava's behavior, even though it was 100% typical Ava. Is she okay?

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Monica to Obrecht: "Is something wrong or are you just practicing your scowl?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): N/A
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: Lil' Edward
Least believable moment: Dante's totally fine less than 48 hours after almost dying
Best instance of continuity: All of Jason's memories
Worst instances of continuity: Tracy said Michael has no experience raising a baby, but he took care of Avery for a long time; Lucy said there were plenty of slots left for the Nurses' Ball, then said Lucas and Brad couldn't add something
Hero of the week: Inocencia, I guess
Most annoying character: Amy
Smartest characters: Alexis, for not burning Julian's evidence; Lucas, for taking advantage of the Nurses' Ball to finance the wedding
Dumbest character: Amy
Unanswered question of the week: Who owns the disco?

The week in a nutshell:

• A baby showed up on the Quartermaines' doorstep, and Michael quickly realized it was Sabrina's son. Tracy immediately claimed him and named him Edward. She even got herself approved as a foster parent so she can keep him indefinitely. Michael turned to Dante, then Sonny, for help, learning that Sabrina's aunt Inocencia entered and left the mainland, then disappeared. While Michael and Sonny headed for Puerto Rico, Sabrina was revealed to be a captive of Inocencia's son, who told his mom he would let Sabrina go when he was really planning to kill her.
• Julian drew Alexis into his web, expecting her to cover for him. Sonny attacked Julian, but Alexis defended her husband, solidifying her spot on his side and receiving the announcement that she's dead to Sonny. She agreed to burn Julian's clothes from the night of the murder, but she hid them instead.
• Nikolas told Hayden to get a job instead of selling his stuff, so she went begging at ELQ. Of course, Tracy and Michael want nothing to do with her. Nikolas learned that he owes back taxes on the company and complained about Jason setting him up. He shut down Hayden and Curtis' plans to sell his things, then turned around and sold Hayden's diamonds.
• Ava pressured Morgan to break up with Kiki, who may have a thing for Dillon anyway.
• Monica, Carly, Michael, and Sonny were all happy to hear about Jason's recovered memories. As of right now, he won't be returning to work for Sonny.
• Carly schemed to keep Ava from taking Avery back.
• Jake ran away while Franco and Elizabeth argued over whether he should continue art therapy, then about whether Franco is a jerk.
• Laura and Kevin went by the campus disco off of Laura's idea that Helena's clue was directing her there. They didn't find anything other than a blank piece of paper, but the revelation that the owners are named Lloyd and Lucy Johnson kept the mystery going.
• Finn pointed Carly in the direction of an admin named T. Adams who may have had something to do with Josslyn's transplant.
• Obrecht targeted Finn as an incompetent doctor after he lost another patient.
• Brad and Lucas decided to get married at the Nurses' Ball.
• Lucy thought Laura and Kevin were a couple, and later thought Dillon and Kiki were a couple.
• Finn took drugs from the hospital's lockup.

May 23rd, 2016

Julian buys Alexis a necklace in what she thinks is an attempt to buy her silence. As soon as he's out of the house, she calls Diane and retains her so she can discuss Carlos' murder. Diane figures everything out herself and promises to keep Alexis out of trouble if she turns in her husband. Alexis decides to wait until after the ball, but at this point she's leaning toward sending Julian to prison. Michael and Sonny rescue Sabrina with barely any problems. She's sorry for the way she handled things, and Michael wishes she'd turned to him when things with Carlos went south. Sonny interrogates Marcos about anything Carlos might have told him about Julian, but Marcos can't tell him anything. Elizabeth catches Nikolas with Hayden's diamonds and he admits that he sold one to afford his donation for the ball. She encourages him to turn them in and get Hayden busted. He tells her to keep her mouth shut. When Hayden also sees him with the diamonds, she tries to wrestle him for them. They end up on the floor and are, no joke, totally turned on, and it's gross. Lucas and Brad start telling his family that they're getting married at the ball. Brad enlists Felix as his best man, and Lucas asks Julian to be his, but Julian doesn't want to pull focus. Obrecht informs Finn that she's looking into his past, which ticks him off. Then Hayden angers him more by trying to make amends with Finn by giving him $10,000. He tells her the money won't make up for what her father's done, then takes out his frustration on Elizabeth. Valerie and Curtis are happy, so whatever. In case it's important, Bobbie doesn't feel well.

Alexis is acting like the wife of an abusive husband and it's 20 kinds of wrong. Thank God she got Diane involved – Diane will keep her on the track to do the right thing.

"Times are tough," the prince says to the single mother whose house just burned down.

"Hey, guy my fiancé and I almost had a threesome with, will you be my best man?" Brad and Lucas need more friends.

Oh, look, Valerie's still on this show. Great.

May 24th, 2016

Robin and Emma surprise Anna by coming to town for the Nurses' Ball. Nina serves as a correspondent on the red carpet, asking everyone prying questions and bringing up past embarrassments. Brad and Lucas are totally going to get married because nothing's going to go wrong at all! Really! Nikolas and Hayden are supposed to be playing nice, but he practically outs her for having a hidden stash of wealth. Later, he confronts Jason for the ELQ-tax situation, vowing to continue their war if that's what Jason wants (it's not). Carly sneaks into Ava's apartment to look for the long-missing recording of her confessing to Connie's murder. She finds a flash drive hidden in a martini shaker, and whatever's on it stuns her. Maxie helps Elizabeth avoid disaster by finding her a new dress when she shows up wearing the same thing as Hayden. Franco escorts Elizabeth, leading Jason to tell her he's not happy about what's happening between them and he's not going to let Jake be around it. Griffin won't discharge Nathan for the ball, so Maxie enlists him as her escort. Bobbie performs in the opening number, then passes out backstage. Obrecht plans to crash the ball again, but some masked men are a step ahead of her and plan to remove her from the premises.

I enjoyed Michelle Stafford more today than I ever have. "'Bye, Rach!"

Everyone, stop jinxing Brad and Lucas!

I'm so glad they had Robin overhear Nikolas and Jason's conversation. I really need a scene where she tells Nikolas how horrible he's become.

Why does Carly think Ava would keep an incriminating recording instead of destroying it?

Ugh, Maxie, why are you being nice to Elizabeth?

Scott gets 10 points for his blue suit, but -20 points for not shaving.

I don't have a favorite dress yet this year, but Kiki and Jordan's are at the top of my list.

May 25th, 2016

Lucas finds Bobbie unconscious and takes her to the hospital, even though he may have to miss his own wedding. As the ceremony begins sans one of the grooms, Lucas walks in on someone about to inject Bobbie with something and ends up unconscious himself. Carly has found a recording of Ava and Paul engaging in some not-so-family-friendly activities, and is thrilled to have leverage to force Ava to give up custody of Avery. When Ava balks, Carly sends the recording to Paul and threatens to make it go viral. Paul orders Ava to give in to Carly's demands, since he could end up losing his job. Ava tries to go hand-to-hand with Carly and does manage to destroy the recording, but of course, Carly's already made copies. Emma and Ned perform "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," complete with Elton John glasses. Franco helps Jake get through his stage fright to sing a song I don't know (possibly something original) with some random guitar player. Lucy convinces Griffin to join Milo, Felix, Curtis, and Dillon for the annual strip show. Hayden keeps trying to talk to Jordan, and Nikolas keeps trying to stop her. Epiphany finds Obrecht tied up backstage, frees her, and banishes her to the hospital. Obrecht gives up on crashing the ball and instead bugs Finn about why he left his last hospital. Diane lets Jason know that Nikolas is suing him, alleging that the money he used to buy ELQ came from organized crime.

If they kill Lucas, I may legitimately cry.

Please, Ava. You really thought you could beat Carly in a physical fight? It's UES vs. trailer park.

I just realized that if Kiki and Dillon ever hook up, we'll have a couple whose parents have also hooked up.

Ned and Emma? How random.

Lucy would approve of Franco's advice to picture the audience as ducks.

The guy performing with Jake was so good! And Roger Howarth wasn't too bad either.

Yes, the Quartermaines are so important that apparently Monica and Tracy had better things to do than attend the ball.

May 26th, 2016

Nikolas tries to get Hayden to leave the ball with him, promising to return her diamonds if she comes home. Curtis guesses that he wants to keep her there so she can't go to the police the next day. Nikolas leaves alone, then texts Hayden a picture of the diamonds and asks her again to come home. She tells him she's on his way, then changes her mind and lets Curtis get her a room at the hotel. Meanwhile, Jason's distracted over the lawsuit and decides to go talk to Nikolas. Sam follows him over to Wyndemere, hearing a crash. A few stories down, Nikolas is unconscious on the rocks, having apparently fallen through a window. Bobbie wakes up and yells for help for Lucas, who's in rough shape. Griffin and Finn are able to revive him, but he's still unconscious. Griffin sees that something was injected into his neck, and Brad wonders if it has anything to do with the mysterious deaths of Finn's patients. Sonny, Michael, and Morgan arrive at the ball just in time to see Dillon and Kiki perform "Stitches" together. Morgan realizes he made a mistake pushing Kiki away, but it's too late for him to take it back – she's already making out with Dillon backstage. Epiphany, Lulu, Maxie, Valerie, and Amy do "Doctor's Orders" and are generally charming. Robin gives a short keynote speech about HIV and AIDS, marking the first time Anna's gotten to hear her speak on the topic. Amy thinks the evening should end with "You're Not Alone," but Felix and Epiphany aren't on board since Sabrina's not there. Amy proceeds anyway, and Sabrina surprises everyone by joining her. She probably should have stayed with her son, though, because as soon as the ball's over, Jordan has her arrested for aiding and abetting Carlos.

Whatever happened with Nikolas, I think he was setting it up to make it look like Hayden tried to kill him. I'm not saying he would jump out a window to get revenge, but...he's crazy enough right now to jump out a window to get revenge.

Obviously we're supposed to think Finn injected Lucas, but I don't buy it. He told Bobbie he was going to give her medication. Why would Lucas be so surprised to see him standing over Bobbie with a syringe?

I don't care how well Amy can sing – you can't make me like her.

Kirsten Storms, if you're not going to sing, at least mouth the words.

I wish Sonny had stayed for Robin's speech. Hardly anyone left there knew Stone (actually, Lucy might have been the only one).

Um...did Kevin and Laura go upstairs?

May 27th, 2016

Jason goes down to the rocks to help Nikolas, but he's already been swept away by the current. Curtis figures that Hayden wants to go steal back her diamonds, so he goes to Wyndemere with her. The two of them immediately guess that Jason pushed Nikolas, so Jason's instinct to call Diane is probably a good one. Paul gets the charges against Anna dropped, but in the process of letting her know, Robin overhears and learns that her mother came close to committing murder. She has a come-to-Jesus session with Anna, reminding her that revenge isn't something she taught Robin, and encouraging her to move on. Anna imagines Duke one more time, and after a last tango, she agrees to move on. Tracy thinks she'll be able to hold on to Lil' Edward since Sabrina's most likely facing jail time. Michael plays on Jordan's maternal side to convince her not to take Sabrina to lockup so she can go see her son. Tracy has something to say about that, though. While Carly gleefully tells Sonny that she's gotten Ava out of their hair, Ava informs Paul that she's not going to let a little sex tape stand in her way of getting Avery back. Paul reminds her that he still has the Connie recording and threatens to make it public if she doesn't give in to Carly's demands. Ultimately, Ava decides to risk it and goes to get her daughter.

The news about Nikolas temporarily being recast in a few weeks kind of ruins the suspense about whether or not he's alive.

"Nobody could survive that fall." Okay, Curtis.

"Not a flight risk"? Sabrina ran away with Carlos to at least two other countries. And Jordan's going to release her into the guardianship of a felon??

I assume Ava thinks she can grab Avery and leave town before Paul finds out? Good luck with that.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Sabrina Santiago
Back in town: Emma Drake, Robin Scorpio Drake, Sabrina Santiago
Hospitalized: Lucas Jones, Bobbie Spencer
Injured: Nikolas Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Red Carpet Correspondent Nina Reeves
Funniest moment (unintentional): Lulu's amusement at seeing Kiki and Dillon together
Saddest moment: Bobbie and Brad being upset about Lucas
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jason assuring Michael he's proud of him
Least believable moment: Sabrina went to the ball instead of just staying at the Quartermaines'
Best instance of continuity: This isn't the first time Jason's been accused of pushing Nikolas from a height
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Heroes of the week: Michael and Sonny
Most annoying character: Obrecht
Smartest character: Carly
Dumbest character: Ava
Unanswered question of the week: Who injected Lucas?

The week in a nutshell:

• Nikolas used the proceeds from one of Hayden's diamonds to make a donation to the Nurses' Ball, then tried to use the rest to lure her away from ratting him out to Jordan. While she stayed away, Jason, who had learned that Nikolas is suing him for buying back ELQ with laundered money, went to Wyndemere for a conversation. When Sam arrived minutes later, she heard a crash and discovered Nikolas on the rocks outside. He disappeared before Jason could save him from the current, and Hayden and Curtis suspected that Jason had tried to kill him again, possibly succeeding this time.
• Someone injected Lucas with something that almost killed him.
• Michael and Sonny saved Sabrina, who was promptly arrested for aiding and abetting as soon as she returned to Port Charles. Jordan agreed not to take her into custody, so Sabrina went to see her son, running into a roadblock in the form of Tracy.
• While searching for the recording that contains Ava's confession about killing Connie, Carly found a video of Ava and Paul getting busy. Despite some combat, Carly got the upper hand and used the recording to try to force Ava to give up custody of Avery. Over Paul's objections, Ava decided it was worth risking prison time to get Avery back.
• Alexis decided to turn Julian in for Carlos' murder.
• The Nurses' Ball mostly went off without a hitch, thanks in large part to Obrecht being removed from the premises.
• Kiki and Dillon made out, but Morgan kept his cool.
• Robin and Emma visited for the ball, which allowed Robin to question Anna about trying to kill Carlos. She encouraged Anna to move on from Duke's death and her own personal demons, so Anna "danced" one last time with Duke and said goodbye.

May 31st, 2016

Hayden's sure that Jason killed Nikolas, though Jordan notes that a) no body was found and b) the person Jason and Sam saw on the rocks might be someone else. Of course, Jordan can't ignore the circumstances and warns Jason that he's her prime suspect. Brad alerts Julian to Lucas' condition, which appears to have been caused by a large dose of muscle relaxer. Obrecht pins the blame on Finn, which makes him a target for Julian's wrath. Feeling helpless about his son, Julian turns to Alexis for comfort. Sonny refuses to let Ava see Avery, gloating that with the recording Carly found, Ava's out of their daughter's life forever. Ava's like, "Well, you might as well kill me then." Somehow she ends up wearing Sonny down, and he agrees to visitation on the condition that they're both completely honest with Avery and tell her everything her mother's done. (I assume Ava will also be telling her about the things her father's done.) Tracy's upset that Sabrina's been a bad friend, which I guess means she'd be nicer if Sabrina had said goodbye before running off with Carlos. Michael manages to make peace between them, at least temporarily, but Tracy's going to put Lil' Edward ahead of her and Sabrina's friendship. P.S. The baby's name is actually Eduardo, after Edward, and Sabrina calls him Teddy. Molly tells Alexis she's noticed that things between her and Julian have gone way downhill since Carlos' death. Alexis declines to confide in her, but Molly encourages her to lean on her loved ones.

No way will Alexis turn Julian in now, so Julian, you've just dodged the world's largest bullet.

Show, you're going to make me like Brad, aren't you?

Congratulations, Ava – you're officially the biggest drama queen on this show. "If I can't have Avery in my life, I should just die." Sorry you don't merit histrionics like that, Kiki.

The nickname Teddy just makes Lil' Edward ten times cuter.

When Alexis asked Molly what she would do if she'd made a decision she couldn't undo, I thought Molly was going to say, "Well, I'd call you, actually."

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