General Hospital blog - May, 2017

May 1st, 2017

Samira isn't Edward's daughter, but that part of the plot is just a red herring anyway. Ned pieces everything together and drags in Ashton to confirm his suspicions: Samira was lying the whole time, she doesn't have a kidnapped daughter, and Ashton was using her in a con to get the painting. The downside is that Tracy's kids have to stop her from murdering her ex. The upside is that she gets to keep the painting and no one's out any money. Elizabeth and Franco try to get Jake interested in taking a trip for his upcoming birthday, but he insists that they stay in town. Elizabeth is worried that the date written on the mural means something bad is coming on Jake's birthday. Franco points out that Helena died a year and a half ago, so if she'd planned anything, it probably would have happened on Jake's birthday last year. Jason wonders if he and Jake were even on Cassadine Island at the same time, so Sam hacks into Crichton-Clark's records to find out when he was admitted there. It wasn't until August of 2014, so it's completely possible that he was in Greece before then. Sam suggests that Jason have some tequila to loosen up before trying to remember anything else, and an accidental spill releases a couple of pages of Jake's Adventure that were stuck together. The hidden page contains a drawing of a chimera, which Jake is simultaneously drawing on his mural. AnnaOIS runs into Nathan and totally doesn't know who he is, you guys. She fakes an injury when she knows Valentin will be around, then makes sure he notices her necklace, which is shaped like a chimera. Meanwhile, Nina complains to Nathan about her husband and how Anna used to hate him but now is all over him. He's mature enough not to say he told her so and tries to assure her that she'll be fine no matter what happens. Nelle reluctantly spies on Valentin and AnnaOIS and hears them talking about feelings and whatever, but she tells Nina that Valentin isn't up to anything and she can trust him.

It feels like there was a scene missing today. They went from Ned saying he had an alternate plan to him giving Samira money to leave. Whatever, that whole mess is over, so I'll let it go.

No, wait, one more thing: What would Ashton have done if Samira had been deported? Why didn't he use a woman who wasn't facing that risk?

From Wikipedia: "The seeing of a Chimera was an omen for disaster." Sounds like fun!

I know they had to write Maxie out, and I don't actually want Nathan to leave, but having him stay in Port Charles instead of going to Portland makes no sense.

May 2nd, 2017

Sonny tells Carly about the pills and the test results, which show they're lithium. Carly thinks they're at another dead end and will never find out what caused Morgan's downward spiral. Talk turns to the divorce, and Carly says she's keeping everything Sonny put in her name; it's more than fair after what he did to Jax. Sonny goes to the Haunted Star to drown his sorrows and ends up leaving with a woman in town from L.A. Elizabeth and Franco find Jake's chimera drawing and look it up online as Jason gets a feeling of dread that something big and bad is going to happen. He calls Elizabeth to discuss the drawing in the book, leading to a meeting between the two couples to discuss what it could mean. They all agree to a) not ask Jake anything about the drawing and b) let Franco stay involved since Jake trusts him. As Jason decides he needs to go to Greece, Franco tells Elizabeth that in mythology, seeing a chimera foreshadows bad things. AnnaOIS has a chimera necklace because the mission she and Valentin were working when she betrayed him was called Project Chimera. She tells him that she prayed for forgiveness right afterward and wants to make up for her past bad actions. Convenient car trouble prevents Valentin from driving AnnaOIS home, but gives them more time together while they wait for a ride. Valentin reveals that someone other than the WSB and DVX was interested in whatever he uncovered during Project Chimera, and he indicates that he gave the info to that third party. Ava thinks she can use Sonny and Carly's divorce to get full custody of Avery, but Scott thinks her bigger priority is keeping anyone from finding out about her involvement in Morgan's death. When they see Sonny with his soon-to-be new bed buddy, Scott again does the smart thing, telling Ava not to approach them. Josslyn lays into Sonny for his actions against Jax and for hurting Carly. Carly wants her to leave town for a little while to get some distance from the whole situation, but she makes it clear that any visits she herself makes to Australia will just be visits – she and Jax aren't getting back together. Josslyn urges her to take off her wedding ring.

I know who Sonny's fling is, and let's just say...this isn't going to end well.

AnnaOIS: "It's an ALLUSION." You owe GOB Bluth royalties for that line reading.

Reason #1 Hell must have frozen over: Jason agreed with Franco about something.

Reason #2 Hell must have frozen over: I agreed with Scott about something.

May 3rd, 2017

Tracy gathers her loved ones to make a big announcement. While they're waiting for everyone to arrive, Ned makes an announcement of his own: He's changing his last name from Ashton to Quartermaine. Tracy brings down the mood by telling everyone that she feels like she needs to get out of Edward's shadow, and to do so, she's leaving town. Carly can't decide whether or not to take off her rings (though Kiki thinks that, whatever she chooses to do, she shouldn't give them back). Sonny has no hesitations, as his comes right off when he's on his way to bed with his new pal, Martina, whom Carly almost catches him with. Lulu and Diane both disapprove of Carly's plan to keep all of Sonny's money, Lulu because it's a scorched-earth idea and Diane because Carly's the only person who can keep Sonny in line. Just as Carly's about to agree to delay the divorce proceedings so Sonny doesn't have to be an adult and look after himself, or whatever, she sees that he's taken off his rings. Oh, and P.S. Martina is Carly's lawyer. Maxie was supposed to come back to town, but at the last minute she's asked to stay at her job a little longer, so she's still in Portland. Nathan worries about what this means for his marriage, and Lucy's attempts to keep him positive don't really work.

Welcome to town, Martina. I hope you're on the pill.

Lulu, you were going to pimp out your cousin to get an advantage in your custody case. You're not allowed to criticize Carly's decisions.

Ew, Diane, stop trying to guilt Carly into giving in to Sonny.

It's only Wednesday and we've already seen Nathan shirtless twice. Happy early birthday to me!

May 4th, 2017

Tracy serves everyone pizza, says her goodbyes, sells the painting, and starts her new life. Approximately 60 seconds later, she runs into Luke. After Sonny and Martina pretend they've never met, she proceeds to railroad him, going along with Carly's plan to keep all his assets. After all, if his other money is legal, he won't have any trouble continuing to live the lifestyle he's been living. Diane again pressures Carly to compromise, since no one wants to see her and Sonny shred each other's lives, but Carly stands her ground. Sonny wants to come clean about his fling with Martina, but she knows she could be disbarred, so she swears him to secrecy. Amy does a much better job than Lucy of convincing Nathan that Maxie staying in Portland doesn't mean their marriage is doomed. Then she steals a picture of the two of them and rips it in half, so I don't like whatever that's leading to.

I miss Tracy already. Don't abandon us! We need you!

Oh, NOW Sonny wants to practice full disclosure.

Hey, Diane, Sonny called Carly a whore. You still want her to "be the bigger person"?

I WILL NOT tolerate this Amy/Nathan stuff going where it seems to be going.

May 5th, 2017

Ava tells Sonny that she saw him at the Haunted Star, but she doesn't yet know who he spent the night with. She's impressed when he uses his charm to get Avery a spot at a preschool, and for some reason she thinks this means the two of them can work together. Sonny warns her to keep her nose out of his business. He's going to wish he was nicer when he finds out that she's run into Carly and Martina together and now knows that he slept with his soon-to-be-ex-wife's lawyer. Finn's second drug test also comes back positive, so Griffin wants to have Monica fire him. Finn realizes that Brad tampered with the results just as Hayden figures out that same thing, since Brad won't shut up about how Finn deserves to pay for his addiction. Griffin agrees to help Finn set up Brad by arranging a third test so he can catch Brad messing with it. As a bonus, Brad has a huge tantrum, and Obrecht doesn't come off looking so great either. The DA drops the kidnapping charges against Julian, but that means Alexis' decision to go with him willingly could endanger her chances of getting back her law license. Julian tells her he feels bad about it, as if that's the biggest mistake he's made. Jordan catches the two of them talking, and they each take the blame. Jordan tells them she's sick of them defending each other, and she's disappointed in Alexis' decisions. Michael tries to get each of his parents to compromise with each other, but neither is willing to back down.

Ava, if you thought Sonny was going to say nice things about you, you've really lost it.

Jordan continues her slow climb back up to coolness by telling Alexis and Julian to shut up, then calling Alexi out for setting a bad example for her daughters, among other things.

Everyone needs to stop worrying about Sonny. Carly shouldn't have to back down just so he can keep a couple restaurants. If he needs money, he can make it the legal way like everyone else.

That said, asking Michael to choose sides is really unfair, and Carly should know better.

Left town: Samira Adin, Larry Ashton, Tracy Quartermaine
New in town: Martina Morales

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Kiki to Dillon: "Is your mom all right? She was just nice to me"; Finn to Obrecht: "What hellish dimension do you materialize from? Think of my heart. Will you please wear a cowbell from now on?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Luke's hair
Saddest moment: Tracy saying goodbye to everyone
Sweetest/cutest moment: Ned's changing his last name to Quartermaine
Least believable moment: Martina didn't know who Sonny was before she slept with him
Best instance of continuity: Carly telling Josslyn to count to 10, as Jason has told her numerous times
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Ned, for ushering out the Samira plot
Most annoying character: Brad
Smartest character: Ned
Dumbest character: Brad. If you're going to screw with someone's life, at least keep your mouth shut

The week in a nutshell:

May 8th, 2017

Sonny's confident that he'll be able to handle Martina when it comes time for him and Carly to distribute their assets. Ava throws a wrench into things when she tells him she knows he slept with Carly's lawyer. So far she's only going to use the information to wrangle a weekend with Avery, but she's most likely going to go for something bigger down the line. Sonny, for his part, has foreseen the possibility of being found out and wants to let Martina know that they could be busted. Michael really, really needs to do something other than get in the middle of his parents' divorce. And no, hanging out with Nelle and letting Charlotte play matchmaker isn’t a better idea. Sam tells Elizabeth (and Franco, since Elizabeth makes her talk to both of them) that Jason has gone to Greece to look into his and Jake's pasts. Franco disappears in the middle of the conversation, and the previews show him in Greece, so that's going to end badly. In better news, Sam and Elizabeth are getting along a lot better than anyone could have ever predicted. Jason tracks down Daphne and tries to ask her about Jake, but half the time she doesn't have the answers and the other half, she doesn't want to answer. He can't convince her to go to Cassadine Island with him, but she agrees to draw him a map. Martina gives Carly some tips on how to make herself look better in front of the judge. For some reason, these involve keeping her wedding rings on, to make it look like she's still invested in her marriage. Martina's confused when Carly defends Sonny's parenting, but Carly isn't about to paint him as a bad father and let Ava get more access to Avery. Andre's disappointed to hear from Carly that the tests done on Morgan's pills show that they were lithium. Then he sees the results themselves and realizes that they weren't the same medication level as the ones Morgan was supposed to be taking.

Either Ava's playing a long game here or she's losing her touch.

Did Jason put his gun together in the hotel lobby? Dude, what are you doing?

Wow, Daphne, you suck at lying.

Ugh, Elizabeth, don't make Sam talk to Franco.

Can't wait till Ava and Scott are busted because of math.

May 9th, 2017

Sonny warns Martina that Ava knows about them, but he thinks if they can keep her quiet until the divorce is finalized, they'll be fine. (I mean, Martina could still get disbarred, but I doubt Sonny cares about that.) To speed the proceedings along, Sonny urges Martina to convince Carly to compromise and agree to let both of them leave the marriage with what they brought to it. Carly, who has just spent the first half of the episode ignoring Bobbie's advice not to completely burn Sonny, is unfamiliar with the word "compromise" and refuses. Also, Kristina's back in school but doesn't want to ask Sonny for money, and there's some reference to her trust fund, but I don't know what that's about. AnnaOIS and Valentin are back to their dance of "why won't you tell me something?" and "why won't you just let this go?" Valentin finally admits that he sold Project Chimera for a ton of money, but he doesn't think it matters since they buyers are now dead. Jason's unhappy to see Franco in Greece, but since Franco's the only person with a boat who's willing to take him to Cassadine Island, they reluctantly team up. On the island, they find the scarecrow and a tree with a picture of a chimera on it. They realize that Jake wouldn't have been able to see the scarecrow from behind the tree, since there's a wall in the way. They find chains on the wall, and Jason remembers being chained to it, making him think he's the scarecrow Jake was afraid of. Lulu gets in a fight with Nina and complains to Laura and Kevin, but ultimately she has a good plan: Focus on her relationship with Charlotte, and let Valentin bring himself down. Laura privately confides to Kevin that she's worried about what Valentin will do to Lulu when he finds out she's getting closer with Charlotte. Nina offers Maxie her job back, but Maxie turns it down, saying she's not sure she'll ever come back to Port Charles. This is news to her husband.

Is Alexis suddenly poor? Why can't she pay Kristina's tuition?

Is it just me or does Sonny think Kristina and Amy are dating?

I'm going to guess that Valentin sold Project Chimera to Helena, who used it in whatever she did to Jason.

Valentine and AnnaOIS give me amnesia. I forget almost everything they've talked about five minutes after the conversation ends.

Let's hope "the best thing for Jake" involves Jason pushing Franco off the boat.

Hey, let's use an actress' leave of absence to ruin a relationship! Good plan!

May 10th, 2017

Jason remembers being chained to the wall while Helena had a minion beat him up; somehow this was part of her process to turn Jason into a programmed killing machine. He remembers Helena greeting a child he couldn't see, who must have been Jake. Franco chains him and beats on him a little in an attempt to bring back more memories, so Jason is pretty justified in knocking him out, chaining him up, and leaving him while he goes home. Back in Port Charles, the same minion delivers a birthday present to Jake (supposedly from Spencer) and calls him "little man," the possible activation words Helena used with him. His present is a magic set with a hidden capsule decorated with a chimera. AnnaOIS is about to get Valentin to open up to her, or something, when Andre spots them together and accidentally chases Valentin off. Andre worries that AnnaOIS is going to pull a honeytrap on Valentin again, which could jeopardize her career. AnnaOIS gets nasty, asking if he's meddling in her life to distract himself from his own disaster of a personal life. She apologizes, but he's still concerned over her behavior. Once she's alone, AnnaOIS chats with someone about her progress, so...accomplice? Nina confides in Nathan that she's worried that Valentin is cheating on her. Nathan: "So...leave him?" When Valentin comes home, he admits that he was with Anna, and he makes the mistake of hesitating when Nina asks if he wants to hook up with her. I predicted back on New Year's Eve that this marriage wouldn't last longer than six months, and it looks like I was right. Valerie's annoyed to see Jordan and Curtis together, but tells Jordan she feels like she dodged a bullet. After all, Jordan said she could lose her job because of her relationship with Curtis, so now that's Jordan's problem.

Jason slamming Franco's head into the wall is the second best birthday present this show has ever given me. (Last year's episode, where Jason got his memory back, will probably be the reigning champ for a long time.)

Jason: "Yeah, he was here." Franco: "Who?" WHO DO YOU FREAKING THINK?

That capsule thing isn't a bomb, is it?

That minion should get some sort of loyalty award. He's still working for Helena a year and a half after her (supposed) death.

Well, whether or not she's evil, at least AnnaOIS might bring about the end of Valentin and Nina.

I still don't really care about Valerie, but imagine how awful it would be to have to work for your ex's new girlfriend, especially after she told you not to date him.

May 11th, 2017

Griffin catches AnnaOIS in a lie, but she's able to play it off like it's not a big deal. For some reason, he wants to know what her hallucination of Duke said to her when Carlos had her locked up, and it looks like she has no idea what he's talking about. Nina's ready to throw in the towel with Valentin, so he tries to win her back by taking off his watch, then by using Charlotte to guilt her into staying. Nina thinks she'd be a better role model to Charlotte if she left the man who seems to want to be with someone else. The watch ends up in her purse, and when Curtis sees it and asks about it, Nina smashes it. Curtis finds the bug inside and Nina figures out what AnnaOIS has been up to. Hayden tells Curtis that her and Finn's relationship is kind of on hold for now, but when Finn tells her he's found a townhouse and wants her to "stop by" sometimes (and leave a toothbrush), it's clear that things are good between them. His drug test comes back – though it's really Hayden's test, since Brad unknowingly "tested" her blood, not Finn's – and since it's positive, the trio can now be sure that Brad tampered with the results. However, it's positive for something else: Hayden's pregnant. Martina tells Sonny that they can rush the divorce through and protect themselves from Ava if he agrees to let Carly keep all his assets. Sonny refuses, telling Martina she'll just have to recuse herself. She agrees, but as they're saying goodbye, Carly catches them together. Andre shares his concerns about Morgan's pills with Monica, realizing that he can't be sure that the pills tested were the same ones Morgan was taking. Olivia thinks Sonny and Carly should work things out. Please stop talking, Olivia.

I like that Curtis was the one to bust AnnaOIS, but it would have been funny if Nina had given him the watch and AnnaOIS had ended up listening to Curtis, like, work out and stuff.

Nina: "Don't you dare use Charlotte against me." Hallelujah! She's seen the light!

Out of context, it's funny for Finn and Hayden to be relieved that his drug test came back positive.

Speaking of positive test results, I apologize to my neighbors for how loudly I laughed when Griffin said Hayden's show she's pregnant. (But what doctor gives someone that news without pulling her aside to talk to her privately?)

I was wondering if Finn was ever going to move out of the hotel.

May 12th, 2017

Valentin pleads with Nina to come back to him, and fortunately, she's still not giving in. She tells him about the bug in the watch, so Valentin makes AnnaOIS think that she's rekindled his feelings for her. Oh, and AnnaOIS is officially not Anna, as the real Anna is in a hospital in London. Sonny and Martina can't convince Carly that they had a connection before their supposed first meeting, or that Sonny manipulated Martina so he can get his assets back. Then Sonny gets really hypocritical all over the place and I stop listening. Hayden isn't sure she wants a baby, and though Finn is leaning toward it, he'll support whatever decision she makes. Jordan confides in AnnaOIS that Valerie may have been right that she tried to drive a wedge between Curtis and Valerie because she wanted Curtis for herself. AnnaOIS advises her not to worry about it and just enjoy the relationship. Nelle has decided to quit her job (because the whole spying-on-Valentin thing makes her uncomfortable), and Michael can't give her a reason to stay in town, so she's supposedly on her way out. Then she gets mugged and knocked out, which is certain to be the perfect way to inadvertently play on Michael's sympathies.

I guess I'll keep calling her AnnaOIS until we know who she really is, though my money's on Anna's twin, Alex.

How many women have YOU slept with while still married, Sonny? SHUT UP.

If Finn and Hayden have the baby, Curtis better be the godfather. (Tracy can be the godmother in absentia.)

Cool, maybe Nelle's dead! ...Am I a terrible person? Eh, I don't care.

Pregnant: Hayden Barnes

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Finn: "You're good with Roxie." Hayden: "She's a reptile." Finn: "She's very demanding"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Curtis and Griffin's shorts-over-long-pants running attire
Saddest moment: N/A
Sweetest/cutest moment: It's been a while since we've seen her, but Avery takes the crown again
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instance of continuity: Olivia's premonitions
Worst instance of continuity: Valentin seems to have forgotten that he did have the watch checked for bugs (just not the band)
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Sonny
Smartest character: Nina
Dumbest character: Sonny. Your secret meetings should be more secret, bro

The week in a nutshell:

May 15th, 2017

Valentin tells AnnaOIS (who we can now safely assume is Alex) that he and Nina are done, and he's ready to revisit his feelings for her. Alex is like, "Awesome, let's have the sex! But first, would you mind telling me who you gave Project Chimera to? You know, because it's best to make sure there are no more secrets between us before we take off our clothes and I confirm that I really, definitely have genuine feelings for you. Because I totally do." Valentin again tells her that the person he sold it to is dead and never used it, so it doesn't matter. Alex keeps pushing the issue, even as she and Valentin are about to get down to business, but he puts on the brakes, telling her he knows she's been playing him the whole time and just wants info from him. Meanwhile, in London, Anna wakes up from a coma unable to communicate, and therefore unable to correct the nurse who tells her she's Alex, and that her boss, Dr. Lancaster, found her at her flat after some sort of medical incident. Lancaster seems sketchy, as he wants to give his patient some sort of injection instead of helping her talk. Jason and Franco tell their significant others what happened in Greece, then disagree about how they should approach Jake. Jason ignores Franco and is rewarded with Jake's full disclosure: He wasn't afraid of Jason, but instead felt bad because he wasn't able to save him from Helena and her minion. Jason encourages his son to come to him with anyone, and though Jake seems about to tell him about the magic set, he doesn't. Later, when Aiden sees the set, Jake swears him to secrecy about whatever's inside. Scott's pretty sure that Julian's going to prison, but the DA's office has a different idea: If Julian provokes Sonny and helps them arrest him, the charges against him will go away. Julian declines the offer, thinking that he won't really be in the clear. Alexis admits that she doesn't want him to go to prison (eccccccccch), but she doesn't know how to help him.

"For once, I'm one step ahead of you." At least Valentin admits that he's been (at least) a step behind this whole time.

Someone called the chimera capsule thing a doomsday device, but to me it looks like something from a lunchbox, so I'm going to call it the doomsday thermos.

Who doesn't let a kid open his birthday presents because his father isn't there?

How does Julian get from "the charges against you will go away" to "they can still prosecute me"? Whatever, he made a bad decision. Yeah, he might not have gotten out of a prison sentence, but at least Sonny would be behind bars, too.

"You screwed up my winning streak!" Someone please remind Scott that he only got Julian released last time because Paul threw the case.

May 16th, 2017

Even with Valentin angry at her, Alex keeps trying to get him to tell her what he did with the chimera. Then they together. Which is totally what she wants. She offers him the chance to team up and be powerful together, but Valentin has realized that he's addicted to her and now needs to get clean. He approaches Alex with a scarf, then later tells Nina that he's taken care of her. Anna fights sedation to try to tell the nurse that she's not Alex. The nurse thinks she's confused, and Lancaster returns before Anna can convince her that she's a pawn in some sort of conspiracy. Since Valentin is busy messing with Alex and Nelle is busy being unconscious, Lulu is summoned to Charlotte's school to pick her up. They run into Nina, who doesn't want Lulu to take Charlotte home with her for the night but also doesn't want to deal with Valentin's problems. She lets slip that she's not going back to Wyndemere, then tries to cover, pretending she just means she's working late that night. Eventually Nina lets Lulu take Charlotte, agreeing that it's good for her to spend more time with her mother. Michael finds Nelle unconscious and gets her to the hospital. She may have an injury to her kidney, which I think qualifies as irony. Jake wants to perform a magic act at the Nurses' Ball, and he also, like me, wishes the chimera would disappear. Elizabeth and Franco...something. Griffin makes sure Charlotte doesn't hate him for his fight with Valentin back in January, like Griffin was the one who made it violent.

"Are you going to kill me or are you going to make love to me?" The unofficial slogan of Port Charles.

Right, Valentin. Alex is the one who ruined your marriage. It's all on her.

Maybe Valentin didn't strangle Alex. Maybe he just offered her a scarf to make her go away.

Jake, buddy, if you don't want anyone to see what's in the magic set, try keeping it closed.

Raise your hand if you're also really sick of the word "chimera."

May 17th, 2017

Anna starts to win over the nurse, who keeps Lancaster away for a little while. Anna decides that Alex must have drugged her, then brought her to the clinic and had Lancaster keep her drugged. Lancaster realizes that she's awake, but Anna injects him with the sedative meant for her and starts to make her escape. Dante and Lulu have a nice night with their kids, who both go to bed before Valentin shows up to take his daughter home. Lulu notes that she can't stop him, but she plans to tell the social worker (who gave her the OK to pick up Charlotte from school in the first place) that Valentin came by to yank Charlotte out of bed. Valentin eventually gives in and lets her stay the night. Michael frets over Nelle's condition, blaming himself for leaving her alone on the docks. Even after Griffin tells Nelle that Michael found her and got her to the hospital, she doesn't want to see him. Martina swings by Sonny's house to tell him she's leaving town and return his wedding ring to him. She thinks he has the most to lose in the divorce, especially since he doesn't seem to have friends. She'd like to be his, but considering she's about to spend the night, I don't think they're going to be calling each other "friend." Valentin promises Nina that Anna won't come between them again, but Nina makes it pretty clear that there's no "them" anymore. She ends up chatting with Andre, though it's a little contentious since he's friends with the woman she hates. Nina says she wouldn't take back anything that happened with Valentin, and she can't wait until he gets revenge on Anna. Andre quickly calls Anna to warn her, but of course, she doesn't answer her phone. Bobbie thinks Carly should get the divorce over with as quickly as possible, even if it means letting Sonny keep his assets. Can everyone just...shut up about the divorce already?

Nelle, you'd be smart to be nicer to Michael, considering he's probably going to pay your hospital bills.

Griffin's habit of inadvertently telling people about other people's presence in the hospital has to stop.

If Sonny really thinks Ava's going to keep her mouth shut, he's dumber than I thought.

I can't decide which word I'm more sick of, "chimera" or "divorce."

May 18th, 2017

Alex (who's not dead due to strangulation by scarf, just tied to her banister) lets Lancaster know that Valentin is on to her, so they need to wrap things up. He tells her that Anna is also on to them and is headed her way. Alex goes straight to the airport to fly to London and runs into Robin and Emma, who are in town for the ball. Robin can sense that something's off, but it's Emma who's sure that Alex isn't Anna. When Anna uses the word "flat," Robin's convinced. Just then, the real Anna arrives. Hayden and Finn set Brad up again, "arranging" yet another drug test. Meanwhile, Brad complains to Laura about Finn being allowed to keep working, unaware that he's complaining about an opioid addict to the mother of an opioid addict. His day gets worse when he goes to tamper with the latest test and finds the sample cup empty. Hayden decides she wants to have the baby, but now Finn's the one who's uncertain. He's afraid that his addiction will prevent him being a good father. Hayden's like, "I stole diamonds; nobody's perfect," and is generally encouraging and optimistic. Lulu has the social worker come by so she can see how wonderful things went with Charlotte's overnight visit. Valentin plays nice, then accuses Lulu of strategizing. She asks him to consider giving her more leeway and time with Charlotte, but he's having a really bad week and says no way. Michael has spent the night at the hospital, hoping to hear an update on Nelle, who still hasn't expressed any interest in seeing him. Just as Laura pulls him away to discuss board matters, Nelle tries to leave the hospital, for some unknown reason. Kiki passed her nurse's-aide exam, and she and Dillon are all happy and sweet together. Nina checks on Nelle, assuring her she still has a job if she wants it, then makes awkward small talk with Valentin, continuing to keep him at a distance.

God bless Emma Drake.

Finn: "Enough about Brad." Me: "Promise?"

I'm so glad Dillon and Kiki got together. They're so cute, and she deserves someone like him.

If Kiki's going to be in the nurses' routine, she'd better learn it fast – the ball is in two days.

May 19th, 2017

Nathan breaks up a fight between Anna and Alex before it can get too violent, and is really confused about seeing two of them. While Robin and Emma fill Griffin in, Alex tells Anna what happened with Valentin both at the WSB and recently. She reveals that she's supposed to be looking for the chimera, but now that Valentin has shut her out, Anna will have to finish the job. Sonny talks to Martina about Morgan, I guess so we can pretend they're more than just bed buddies. Carly runs into Ava with Avery and questions why they're together on a day Ava isn't supposed to have visitation. Ava says it's not her business, since the divorce means Carly will no longer have anything to do with Avery. Carly guesses that Ava's holding something over Sonny, and when she gets to his house and sees that he's been entertaining someone, she immediately figures it out. When she purposely walks in on them, Martina's embarrassed, Sonny's defeated, and Carly is probably glad she's getting the heck away from him. Brad claims he didn't do anything with Finn's tests, but his obsession with keeping Finn from working at the hospital makes it hard to take him seriously. Still, Hayden and Finn are suspicious that someone else is responsible. (Someone else is: Obrecht.) Lucy objects to letting Jake perform at the Nurses' Ball, because...someone who's seeing a psychiatrist might not be a reliable performer? But somehow, Obrecht is given the green light? Whatever, Lucy. Eventually she gives in, and Jake is excited for his magic debut, featuring Emma as his assistant and the doomsday thermos as a special guest.

Interesting that they put Anna in black and Alex in white instead of the other way around.

We're not going to talk about why Nathan was at the airport? Okay.

My dream would be for Obrecht and Brad to both get fired, but I guess I'm okay with just Obrecht getting booted. At least Lucas won't be devastated.

Emma and Jake are close enough to text each other? Maybe Jake just jumped in on a conversation she was having with Cameron.

Arrested: Alex Marick
Back in town: Emma Drake, Robin Scorpio Drake
Hospitalized: Nelle Hayes

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Not a lot of funny stuff this week
Funniest moment (unintentional): Valentin's manic "nothing's wrong! Really!" smile for the social worker
Saddest moment: Jake feels guilty because he couldn't save Jason from Helena and her minion
Sweetest/cutest moment: Falconeri Family Togetherness Time
Least believable moment: Sonny didn't go back to get his wedding ring from Martina's state room
Best instances of continuity: ADA Campbell has been on before; Obrecht once threw Brad off a parapet (good times)
Worst instance of continuity: No way does Laura not know who Brad is, after what he helped Britt do to Lulu
Hero of the week: The nurse in London (well, she tried, anyway)
Most annoying character: Freaking Brad
Smartest character: Emma
Dumbest character: Sonny
Unanswered question of the week: Who is Alex working for?

The week in a nutshell:

May 22nd, 2017

Sonny admits to Carly that he and Martina slept together before their meeting with their lawyers, but he didn't know who she was. Carly notes that Martina still stayed on as her lawyer and even pressured her to give Sonny his assets back, which is a big ethics no-no. Martina makes the mistake of not keeping her mouth shut, so now she's on Carly's list. Martina thinks the Corinthoses' fighting means they're still in love with each other, like, yeah, keep up, hon. Before being taken away by the WSB, Alex again tells Anna that she needs to find the chimera and keep anyone from getting hurt. Nina stops by Wyndemere for paperwork, and Valentin tries again to convince her to give him another chance. It seems she might give in, but then Anna shows up, so Nina storms out. Nathan fills her in on the Anna/Alex situation, which might change Nina's mind about the breakup. Anna tells Valentin that he's been talking to Alex, not her, but he doesn't believe her (fair). She urges him to help her track down the chimera, which we now know is a toxin, since the Valentin she knew back in the day wouldn't want people to get hurt. Dillon and Kiki hustle to get a performance ready, but Felix has bad news: Kiki, like Cinderella, will have to work instead of attending the ball. The Morgans are mostly the filler, but they're cute, so it's okay. Then Jason dreams about Helena telling him that his wife and kids are gone. Ava's happy that Kiki's happy, but Kiki thinks her mom is trying to pretend that Morgan was never a part of her life. Ava tells Lucy she wants to prove the opposite and honor Morgan (and I'm sure her desire to present a big check at the Nurses' Ball has nothing to do with making herself look good). Lucy lets her know that her donation bought the pills, not Lucy's silence.

Sonny, if Carly's "free" to sleep with other people (thanks for your permission, by the way), then shut up about it. And everything else. Also, Jax may have bought an organ, but you got a woman to pose as a guy's sister to authorize an organ transplant so Morgan would stop moping about Alice. That's basically the same thing.

Ohhhhh, Martina. Stay out of it.

I need Alexis and Nina to become friends and keep each other from seeing their horrible men.

"I know people like you." Nina, you WERE people like her.

People with young children, please keep your sex confined to the bedroom. Jason doesn't need a second traumatized son.

May 23rd, 2017

Sonny skips the ball to read Morgan's diary, which alerts him to what Andre already realized about the differing pill dosages. He also finds the residue of a different kind of medication in the bottle and gives it to Andre to get tested. Ava wants to make her donation in Morgan's name, but Scott talks her out of it, knowing it'll tick off Sonny. However, no one told red carpet co-correspondent Mario Lopez about the change, and he announces the memorial gift on TV. Anna preempts a possible close moment between Valentin and Nina to ask Valentin again who he sold the chimera to. Jason can't shake his dream about Helena, and finding Anna's chimera necklace probably isn't going to make him feel any better. Everyone walks the red carpet, and the ball starts with the nurses performing "You're Not Alone." Jake is totally ready for his magic act, and lets his assistants, Emma and Charlotte, see the doomsday thermos.

Favorite dresses: Elizabeth's, Sam's, Josslyn's, and Amy's in theory, but I don't think it's right for the ball. I'm surprised at Carly's; it seemed really understated.

I like how everyone's awkward on the red carpet. It's realistic, since they wouldn't be used to giving interviews.

Someone better mention Sabrina this week.

Sam, just so you know, "stop focusing on your dream" sounds really bad out of context.

May 24th, 2017

Sonny makes a surprise appearance at the ball, immediately getting suspicious of Ava and Scott. He tries to confront Ava, but Scott and Dante split them up. Sonny tells Dante about Morgan's pills and is surprised to learn that Ava was at the Floating Rib the night they were found. Andre learns that the residue in the bottle may be from a placebo, making Sonny realize that someone must have swapped Morgan's medication. Anna finally gets Valentin to tell her what the rest of us have already guessed: He sold the chimera to Helena. Jason thinks the chimera necklace is Jake's, but when asked about it, Jake just freezes. He announces that he doesn't feel well, so his parents tell him he doesn't have to do his magic act. Charlotte and Emma decide they can do it themselves, and Charlotte finds the button that she thinks opens the doomsday thermos, so if everyone dies, it's technically Valentin's fault, yes? A semi-conscious Nelle says Michael's name, so Kiki summons him to the hospital. Amy, Emma, Kristina, and Valerie perform "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, and are generally cute and enjoyable. Nina won't talk to him, so Valentin buys himself a slot in the lineup (supplanting Obrecht) so he can sing her Billy Joel's "And So It Goes." Despite Curtis' encouragement to keep pushing him away, Nina's resolve may be faltering. Josslyn sings something I couldn't find, so it might be an original song. Burt's Bees lipstick gives Valerie the confidence to make small talk with Curtis and Jordan.

Jake: "Are you guys talking about me?" Yes, sweetie. You're all they ever talk about.

Who wants to tell Kristina that her father missed her performance?

There's been a lot of weird stuff on this show, but a Cassadine playing the piano and singing Billy Joel is up there.

Anna, don't compliment the murderer.

Can Obrecht being kept from singing become an annual tradition?

May 25th, 2017

Sonny tells Carly about the pills and how he thinks Ava's connected to them. They confront Lucy, who tells them everything she knows (though she still thinks Ava and Morgan were hooking up again when he died). As Scott, who's overheard, warns Ava that the Corinthoses are coming after her, Sonny and Carly see Kiki and realize that Ava switched the meds so Morgan would spiral and Kiki would leave him. Ava flees to the gallery, lighting a lantern because the electricity's out (dude, I don't know), but she's unable to get her getaway bag together before Sonny and Carly arrive. As Griffin's telling Jason about the necklace, Elizabeth overhears Anna talking to Andre about the chimera. Finally, everyone on both sides of the plot gets on the same page, though Anna thinks the chimera is still on Cassadine Island. Ned and Olivia do a really fun performance of George Michael's "Faith." Nurse Deanna fills in for Kiki at the hospital so she and Dillon can do David Bowie's "Modern Love." The nurses close out the show with "Hallelujah," and it's actually really nice and touching. Robin makes a remote appearance to talk about how the fact that she's having a second child means there's hope for people with HIV and AIDS. Jake finds Charlotte and Emma with the possibly activated doomsday thermos and aggressively takes it from them. A vision of Helena tells him he's not holding up his end of the bargain, so he needs to do his magic act. At the very end of the ball, Jake tells Elizabeth he's ready for it. Nina has fallen for Valentin's charms once again, SIGH. Jordan's hesitant to make things official (read: have sex) with Curtis, admitting that she feels like she'll be betraying Thomas all over again. She gets over it, though, and is on her way to joining the Slept With Siblings Club.

A lantern? Sure. Also, the odds that it'll make the gallery catch fire are pretty much even, right?

Good song selection this year. But minus points for no Magic Milo and no mention of Sabrina.

Can we get rid of Amy and just use Deanna more instead? Also: HER VOICE. IT'S SO GOOD.

When I saw pictures of Ned and Olivia last week, I thought they were going to do "You're the One That I Want" from Grease, based on their outfits.

Nina, noooooo! Bad Nina!

Curtis: "Did I do something wrong?" Me: "NEVER."

May 26th, 2017

Elizabeth is hesitant to let Jake do his act for the handful of people left in the ballroom, but Jason and Franco both think it would be good for him. As he, Emma, and Charlotte get ready, Anna and Andre discuss the chimera, which she explains got its name because it's a hybrid of multiple strains of very contagious things. Lulu mentions the magic set to Laura, who tells her it can't be from Spencer. She gets a bad feeling, and everyone else follows suit when Jake keeps stopping the show as he listens to hallucinations of Helena encouraging him to use the chimera. Laura shares her concerns with Jason, who remembers Helena telling him that, though he's a good killer, she would make Jake the greatest killer ever. He starts to declare the show over, but Jake's ready for his grand finale. The Corinthoses get Ava to confess to her misdeeds, then promise to make her pay. For some reason, Ava breaks the lantern and starts a fire, and somehow Carly ends up unconscious. Nathan and Amy chat about how his relationship could be at risk, but Amy doesn't like Maxie, so I don't know why Nathan even gives her the time of day. People start referring to him as Man Landers and thanking him for his advice, leading Nathan to discover that Amy's writing an advice column using his picture and identity. Grr, Nina's caving to Valentin.

Andre's lucky the writers wrote him out of the chimera scenes – he was the most expendable person in the room. Also, Laura and Lulu left? Without finding out what was going on? Weird.

Once again, Maura West, I must ask you to take it down about ten notches.

Instead of Chekhov's gun, now we have Chekhov's lantern.

Okay, "Man Landers" is pretty funny.

Spinelli is a threat to Maxie and Nathan's relationship again? Really?

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Nina's "ew, Scott and Ava" face; Jason: "I'm having a conversation with you. He's just noise." Franco: "I – but--." Jason: "See? More noise"; "Man Landers"
Funniest moment (unintentional): It's okay that Lucy extorted money from Ava because it was for charity
Saddest moment: Carly and Sonny talking about how Morgan was feeling while off his meds
Sweetest/cutest moment: I loved when Laura complimented Charlotte's dress and Charlotte gave Lulu the credit for picking it out
Least believable moment: Robin flew across the country for the ball, then didn't go
Best instance of continuity: Andre's interest in archeology
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Deanna
Most annoying character: Amy
Smartest characters: Sonny and Carly
Dumbest character: Nina

The week in a nutshell:

May 30th, 2017

Laura and Lulu get Charlotte and Emma out of the ballroom and try to keep them entertained at the Falconeris' house while the girls wonder why Jake was acting so weird. Elizabeth manages to get Jake to turn off the chimera by convincing him that her love for him is stronger than Helena's hatred for...well, everyone. While Elizabeth and Franco take Jake to the hospital, just to be on the safe side, Jason stays behind to make sure Helena hasn't left any other surprises. This means he's still there when two men approach Nina, take her hostage, and demand the chimera. Anna and Valentin fight over what to do with it, with Anna insisting that they take it to the WSB and Valentin insisting that they can't trust them. When Nina calls to tell Valentin that the chimera is now a ransom, Valentin returns to the ballroom with the magic set. By the time the gunmen realize the chimera isn't there, they have bigger problems, in the form of Jason and Valentin attacking them. Nathan arrives just in time to hear a gunshot, but it's okay, it's just Valentin who caught a bullet, no big deal. Ava basically challenges Sonny to a duel, but he'd rather get himself and Carly out of the burning building, thank you very much. As they try to find their way out, Ava heads for the back door, but a Dumpster is blocking it, so she's trapped. Sonny and Carly hear her calling for help, and though Carly's willing to go back and save her, Sonny convinces her that they'll all die if they do. He and Carly make their way to safety, but Ava's left in bad shape. Amy, just...go away, okay?

My glee over Valentin being shot is overshadowed by the realization that this will totally make Nina decide she wants him back.

LOL at Jason being mad when he thought Valentin had brought the chimera back to trade for Nina. If Valentin were Jason and Nina were Sam, he would have given the gunmen a tutorial on how to use the thing if it meant saving his wife.

"Don't do anything stupid." Oh, Dante, sweetie. Have you met your father?

I'm going to pretend that the only reason they keep bringing up Spinelli in relation to Maxie is because they want to mention him a few times before he pops up this week or next.

May 31st, 2017

Anna tells Laura and Lulu about the chimera and how Valentin is both a hero and the person responsible for the near disaster. They pass the news along to Nina, who at first doesn't believe them, then remembers that Valentin has hinted in the past that he's done horrible things. Lulu tries not to be too hopeful that her daughter's father/brother's killer might die. The good news (at least for Valentin) is that his injuries aren't serious. The bad news is that he's facing treason charges and a prison sentence. Kiki's guesses as to why Ava was acting so weird earlier in the evening aren't anywhere close to what she finds out was really going on. Also, Ava's in the burn unit and might not survive, so start figuring out how you feel about that. Sonny and Carly give Dante the scoop on Ava and the medication, though he seems more concerned with the fact that they left her in a burning building. Sonny's relieved that they finally know why Morgan died, but Carly doesn't feel the closure she thought she would. Jordan and Curtis are happy but boring. Then his friend Grace turns up again, and he makes it clear that he's going to be faithful to Jordan, and...I really don't care.

I guess this is People Learning Horrible Truths About Their Loved Ones Week.

That can't be it for the chimera, right? Like, that WSB agent wasn't really with the WSB? Or Jake still has it?

I predict that Alex won't rat out Valentin, and he won't be serving any time.

You get a pass this time, Kiki, but don't ever yell at Epiphany again.

Ugh, they found a way to make Curtis boring: put him with Jordan.

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