November 9th, 2015

Jason announces who he is, and Elizabeth quickly plays dumb while Sam tries to wrap her mind around everything. She asks Jason if he remembers anything about her or their family, and he reluctantly tells her that he doesn't. Jason then takes out his anger on Nikolas, trying to strangle him. Nikolas sticks to his story that Helena never told him anything (and that Hayden doesn't know anything either, for that matter), not that anyone is still buying that. Hilariously, Elizabeth's basically like, "We can still get married! Nothing's changed!" Carly has to remind her that bigamy is illegal. Morgan and Michael both testify about how great Sonny is and how Avery deserves to have him as a father. Kiki arrives, giving Ava a glimmer of hope, but she's there to tell the judge how awful her mother is, and how Sonny's a much better parent. While everyone else is out of the courtroom, Ava riles Sonny up by mocking his poor health and lack of power. She pushes him over the edge, and he threatens to kill her. Anna tells Paul she's going to get past her guilt (and take away what he has on her) by confessing to Carlos' murder. Paul uses Emma to convince her to keep quiet, so she doesn't disappoint anyone. Anna thinks he just wants to keep his own crimes under wraps. Paul offers her a job, starting to demonstrate just how he's going to take advantage of what he knows. Hayden revs Nikolas up, telling him how awesome he was for defending her, and generally acting like that evening's festivities were a turn-on. Then she asks how long he thinks it'll be before everyone finds out that he and Elizabeth have known Jason's identity for months.

I never would have said this even five years ago, but Kelly Monaco needs an Emmy.

I know it wouldn't have been as dramatic, but it would have been nice if Jason had taken Elizabeth out of the room and Carly had taken Sam out so they could hear the news privately.

All you need to know about Elizabeth's priorities: Despite being a nurse, when Carly and Jason came into the church, she focused on Jason. Lucas and Patrick, also health-care professionals, were more worried about Carly being injured.

It's okay, Patrick. Your chances of getting a happy ending are actually very good.

Scott: "He has a son that he didn't even know about." Me: "You had three kids you didn't know about. What else you got?"

You know something's wrong when the DA tells you killing someone was the right move.

Thank you, writers, for having Paul mention that he has more than one child.

November 10th, 2015

Jason still wants to be with Elizabeth, so she thinks that means they should get married. Jason tells her they need to wait until he gets things sorted out, and until he makes sure his enemies won't come after her or her kids. Sam, however, has much more complicated things to deal with in her romantic life: Should she continue to build a life with Patrick, or should she wait to see if Jason gets his memory back? She compares her situation to the twister in The Wizard of Oz, trying to grasp the concept that Jason and "Jake" are the same person. Instead of pressuring him to do anything, she takes him his motorcycle and tells him he's welcome to see Danny whenever he wants. Ava turns the tables on Sonny, revealing that she recorded his threats to kill her. The judge is like, "You're both awful, but Ava's less awful, so she gets custody." Sonny's too hurt by Carly's decision to go to the wedding instead of coming straight to the courthouse to listen to her good news. Instead, she tells Michael about Jason, but it doesn't look like he believes her. Nikolas is annoyed that Hayden's memory has been back for a while and she never mentioned it. She thinks he should come clean about all the secrets he's been keeping before someone else reveals them for him. But it won't be her, as she promises she'll keep her mouth shut until he gives her a reason not to. Nikolas decides he still wants to have sex with her, but Hayden puts the brakes on again, then calls to arrange a meeting with her mystery contact. Kiki realizes that she may have caused Carly's accident. Morgan thinks it's not a big deal, since Carly's fine, so she shouldn't say anything.

Elizabeth makes me want to throw things. YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED. IT'S NOT LEGAL. Also: "I would never expect you to turn your back on Sam and Danny." SHUT. UP.

Michael may need to see the DNA test results, because I'm pretty sure he thinks Carly has a head injury.

After all that, Carly didn't even get called to testify.

Hayden: "Isn't life more interesting with me around?" Me: "Yes."

So I guess Monica gets to find out her son's alive from tomorrow's newspaper? This freaking show.

November 11th, 2015

Carly drags Jason over to Sonny's to announce that he's alive. Sonny's thrilled, but Jason could do without everyone trying to get him to connect with a person he doesn’t remember being. However, the meeting gives him a brief memory of Sonny asking if Jason wants to take over the organization. Laura learns of her daughter's marital problems and advises her to take some time before she makes any big decisions. She's also able to give Dante some advice thanks to her experience being married to a Spencer. Lulu figured out that Dillon played the footage on purpose, so she's no happier with him than she is with Dante and Valerie. They fight for a while, and he apologizes a bunch, and then they suddenly start making out. Julian owes a bunch in back taxes, and since Crimson isn't making money, Alexis advises him to let it die and take a tax break. When Nina shows up looking for a job as fashion editor, Julian gives her the position of editor-in-chief instead, eager to let her run it into the ground. Dillon decides to shut down the movie, telling Maxie his heart is no longer in it. She laments that her dream job is over, and the small jobs she has left aren't fulfilling. Her day gets worse when she learns of Nina's new job. Maxie protests over how much Nina doesn't know about running a fashion magazine, so Nina quickly gives her a job. Speaking of jobs, Obrecht agrees to rehire Franco at the hospital, but due to new board rules, he'll have to pass a psychiatric evaluation first.

Shut up, Sonny. Carly didn't know about the hearing when she went to the church. It's time to apologize.

No one told Laura about Dante's affair. No one's told Monica that Jason's alive. This show is just so great to its long-time characters!

Writers and editors everywhere weep at the idea of Nina getting an editorial position without any experience.

Ooh, a storyline about taxes. Is it my birthday already?

November 12th, 2015

Sam talks things over with Alexis, saying she never fully accepted that he was dead. Alexis tells her that she and Jason are still legally married, so if she wants to stay with Patrick, she'll need to file for divorce. For the record, Sam basically says that if Jason were his normal self, she'd choose to be with him. Jason comes to visit Danny, leading to some awkward moments between husband and wife. Elizabeth tells Patrick that they need to keep Sam and Jason apart. He thinks everything will work out for the two pairs and they'll live happily ever after. He's also thinking about other facets of Jason's return and places a call to Robin. Monica visits her son, who confides that he feels like he's being pulled in a bunch of different directions by people who expect him to be someone he doesn't remember being. Monica assures him that she wants to get to know the person he's become, and she won't put any pressure on him. Jason tells Jake that he's his real father, which, of course, Jake already knew. Jason asks what Jake remembers from living with Helena, but Elizabeth interrupts before anything incriminating can come out. Lulu and Dillon manage to stop themselves before they get past making out. She now understands where Dante was coming from when he fell into bed with Valerie, and she admits that she still loves him. Lulu and Dante show up for their next appointment with Kelly, but Lulu puts a halt to the process, telling Dante that if she decides to have another baby, it'll be without him. Anna accepts Paul's job offer (because she doesn't have much of a choice) and gets to work looking into who really shot Sonny. Valerie prepares to start the police academy, hoping that putting distance between herself and Dante will help him and Lulu. She's assigned to a ride-along with a cop, and you get one guess who her cop is. Paul encourages Dillon not to give up on his dreams.

I DID NOT tear up when Jason held Danny, and you can never prove that I did.

Danny to Patrick: "Here, Dad." Me: "NO."

10 points to Patrick for calling the one person who has actual answers.

Telling Monica about Jason is the only good thing Elizabeth has done in six months.

November 13th, 2015

Sam insists that she and Jason still have something between them even if he doesn't remember their relationship. He has a brief memory of the two of them together, which leads to a kiss. But the kiss doesn't help him feel anything, and he decides they need to keep their distance until he figures out what happened to him. Patrick manages to reach Robin, who's stopped by a guard before they can have much of a conversation. Robin knocks out the guard with a beaker and calls Patrick back as he and Anna are wondering about her behavior. Robin starts to tell Patrick what's happened to Jason over the past three years, but another guard interrupts, letting her know that Emma will be harmed if she doesn't shut up. Robin obeys, but Emma becomes a target anyway. Hayden reveals her lies to Elizabeth and Laura, who worry that she'll out them. Nikolas thinks she'll keep her mouth shut because she's having too much fun blackmailing him. None of them has any idea that Hayden has secretly been working with Tracy. Paul presses Anna to drop the investigation into Sonny's shooting, which just makes her wonder what he's trying to cover up. Tracy thinks Paul's an idiot to hire Anna, but whatever, she's still mad about Luke and Anna's brief relationship. Anna tells Paul she'll end the investigation, and if he believes her, he's dumber than he looks. Spencer tells Emma exactly what went down at the wedding, and she realizes that the family she's been looking forward to having might not come together.

Jason/Sam kiss! High-fiving a million angels!

Dear people threatening Emma, here is a partial list of people who will come after you if anything happens to her: 1) Robin, who is tiny but can be vicious. 2) Patrick, who would probably go into a blackout rage. 3) Anna, who knows spy tactics and has made people disappear before. 4) Robert, same. 5) Sam, who – sing it with me – once kicked a guy in the back. 6) Spencer, who would probably just kick you really hard in the shins, but you know that can hurt a lot.

Hayden, come hang out with me. We'll eat cookie dough with Emma.

I did wonder if Hayden might be working with Tracy. Makes sense, since they first spoke after Hayden got hired at ELQ.

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Jason's "why do people keep touching me?" faces; Monica: "I promise you it will be a disaster, which is also a Quartermaine tradition"; Robin's "oh, hey, that worked" face after she knocked out a guard with a beaker
Funniest moment (unintentional): Nikolas: "What could possibly give you a reason not to trust me?"
Saddest moment: pretty much everything involving Sam, but especially her having to hear her husband say he only sees her as a friend
Sweetest/cutest moment: Carly hugging Sam
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instance of continuity: "Kate Howard's first assistant"
Worst instance of continuity: I could have sworn Jason had met Alexis before
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Elizabeth
Smartest characters: the hospital board, for making nonmedical staff undergo psych evaluations; Monica, who learned from her mistakes 20 years ago
Dumbest character: whoever thought it was okay for Emma and Spencer to hang out alone in the park
Previously unanswered question now answered: Hayden's scheming with Tracy

The week in a nutshell:

• "Jake" announced that he was Jason, so the wedding was effectively off. Elizabeth played dumb and got away with it, while Nikolas attempted to play dumb but didn't snow anyone, especially Hayden. Patrick decided that things would eventually turn out in his favor, though it looks like Sam would prefer her current husband. Jason spent time with his mother and both of his kids, which he found more enjoyable than chatting with Sonny. While Patrick called Robin, Sam tried to get through to Jason, who did remember a few seconds with her. They kissed, but it didn't spark any feelings in him. Robin tried to tell Patrick what really happened to Jason, but was interrupted by a guard watching over her. As punishment, someone went after Emma.
• Laura wondered if Elizabeth and Nikolas could trust Hayden. The answer is probably no, since she's secretly in cahoots with Tracy.
• Lulu and Dillon almost had sex, but she decided not to act like Dante, who she confessed she still loves. She won't be having another baby with him, though.
• Ava recorded Sonny threatening to kill her and played it in court to win custody of Avery.
• Paul hired Anna to investigate organized crime for the PCPD, but she decided she should start by looking into Sonny's shooting. She later claimed she would drop the case, but knowing Anna, she probably won't.
• Valerie learned that her first task at the police academy will be a ride-along...with Dante.
• Julian hired Nina to run Crimson, and Nina turned around and hired Maxie to help her.

November 16th, 2015

Emma uses tips taught to her by Patrick and Sam to prevent herself from being kidnapped. Tracy swoops in to save her and call Patrick. Robin tells her guard that no matter what he does to try to keep her in line, Jason will eventually come looking for her. The guard decides to hold back the news that Jason currently has no idea who she is. Sam tells Patrick that she and Jason kissed, partly because she wanted to see if it would help him remember anything. Patrick wonders what she would have done if the kiss had done its job. Sam says she doesn't know. Later, Elizabeth comes by, claiming she wants to work out some sort of agreement with Sam, as if they're going to share custody of Jason. Really, she wants Sam to leave him alone and not pressure him into anything. Sam sees right through her, saying that Elizabeth tried to beg Jason to marry her. Elizabeth points out that Sam is engaged to someone else, and if she wants to be with Jason, she'll be abandoning Emma and Patrick. This is exactly Emma's fear – that Sam will leave just like Robin did. Jason is now sure that Nikolas knew about his identity, and he threatens to ruin Nikolas financially, starting with ELQ. Nikolas continues to claim that Helena's the only one who knew who Jason was. Also, she's apparently dying. Jason doesn't have any other options, though, so he heads out of town to get some answers. Sonny throws a tantrum about putting ramps in the house, and Carly's about at the end of her rope. Lucas recommends that she get him a physical therapist so he can take out his anger on someone else while he's working towards recovery. Sonny would rather threaten to get a divorce anytime Carly does something he doesn't like. Paul thinks it's time for Ava to get back to doing mob things, but she's hesitant because of how that could affect her custody case. Sonny wants someone to keep an eye on Ava in case she does anything he can use against her. Morgan volunteers, suggesting that he get back together with Ava. Sonny says absolutely not, but Morgan tries to go in on his own, asking Ava if she's running the Jerome organization. Ava won't respond, having guessed what he's up to. Paul, however, thinks Ava should play along. Tracy isn't sure that Hayden will be able to get Nikolas to sign over ELQ, but Hayden's up to the challenge.

Edward would be so happy about the way Tracy treated Emma today. And he would be even happier about Jason playing the Quartermaine card with Nikolas.

Chill, Patrick. You took weeks to decide between Robin and Sabrina. It's only been 24 hours since Jason was revealed. Back off of Sam.

People who need to shut up the most forever and ever: Elizabeth. Sonny. Elizabeth infinity more times.

Carly, it's time to book Sonny a session with Andre.

I assume that, like Chekhov said, the nanny cam introduced in the first act will go off in the third. (If only Morgan were smarter – he might have put his own nanny cam in with Avery's things.)

November 17th, 2015

Lulu approaches Alexis about legally separating from Dante, but she changes her mind after a talk with Olivia. Then she sees Dante and Valerie together on a stakeout and probably changes her mind back. Maxie immediately settles back into work at Crimson, as if she never left. Nina is eager to employ her ideas, but it won't be easy, since they don't have much of a budget. Franco has his psych evaluation with Andre, who questions all the bad things he's done since his tumor was removed. He also wants to talk about Franco's relationship with Nina, and why they haven't had sex yet. Carly calls Sonny's bluff, telling him she'll get a divorce right now if he really doesn't want to be married to him. It works, and he apologizes for taking out his anger on her. He's just upset about being seen as weak. Epiphany will fix that, as she's Sonny's new physical therapist. Carly goes to Ava to yell at her for the stunt she pulled in court, and she vows to take Avery away from her. She notices a blanket Morgan dropped off and warns Ava to stay away from him. Paul's pleased at how angry this makes Ava, who's now ready to help him take over Port Charles. Carly thinks it's finally time for Morgan to see a psychiatrist, but before she can book him a session, they see Nathan arresting Franco for Carly's accident. Things are so good between Julian and Olivia that she seeks him out to excitedly give him updates on Leo, and easily accepts Alexis' invitation to spend Thanksgiving with them. Franco urges Kiki to get a job, so Morgan suggests that she look for one at the Metro Court.

Nina is me if I were running a magazine. "Let's do the thing. Can we do the thing? Please make it so we can do the thing."

A+++ for two women teaming up to try to do something successful without any pettiness or fighting.

Andre, marry me.

Epiphany, I would say marry me, too, but you're taken and it wouldn't be a fulfilling marriage since neither of us is attracted to women. But let's hang out a bunch.

Four-weeks-ago Olivia: "I want to keep Leo from Julian at all costs." Current Olivia: "Julian, Leo did the cutest thing and I can't wait to tell you about it, and also, I will totally let you see him on Thanksgiving." Always remember that Alexis made this happen.

November 18th, 2015

Jason drops in on Spinelli, who helps him confirm that Helena is on Cassadine Island. Spinelli urges him to trust his instincts, thinking he's closer to the old Jason than he thinks. Sam has already guessed what Jason's up to, and she tells Elizabeth, who wants Sam to keep her distance. Sam awesomely shuts her down, declaring that Elizabeth loves some fictional version of Jason, not the person he actually is. After Jason heads to Greece, Spinelli calls Sam, who's already decided to go give her husband a hand. Elizabeth invites herself along, so this is going to be the worst road trip ever. Patrick's not happy with Sam's decision, but Anna thinks it's the right move. She'll get this out of her system and then come home ready to settle down with Patrick. Lulu tells Maxie that she saw Dante and Valerie together the night before. Maxie hacks into Dante's email in time to see a message from Valerie thanking him for the previous night. While Maxie yells at Valerie, Lulu confronts Dante, who realizes that the mess their marriage has become might need to have time of death called on it. Andre expresses concern over Anna's methods of dealing with her grief and guilt. She tells him off, but after a conversation with Sabrina gives her a flashback, she decides she needs regular sessions with Andre. Michael wants the corporate espionage charges against Nikolas reinstated, and this time he has Jason's proxy on his side. Sabrina cancels a sonogram Michael wants to be at, because that's the best way to handle this situation. Patrick apologizes to Sabrina for what he put her through two years ago, now that he knows what it's like to wait for someone to choose between two love interests.

Sam, ditch her at Customs.

I hope that private jet Spinelli got for Jason has room for four, because I'm pretty sure he, Sam, and Elizabeth will be bringing someone back from the island with them.

Patrick, I need you to stop talking.

It's a little adorable that Michael thinks it might be a conflict of interest if Dante goes after Nikolas, since Dante has arrested his father half a dozen times. There's no such thing as a conflict of interest in Port Charles.

Spinelli, WHY did you teach Maxie how to hack people's email? Did you think she would use those powers for good?

Maxie's "oops!" face is one of my favorite things about Kirsten Storms.

Props to the two cop extras who had to pretend they weren't eavesdropping on Dante and Lulu.

November 19th, 2015

On Cassadine Island, Jason tries to keep a low profile but runs right into Nikolas. Nikolas claims that he's there to say goodbye to a dying Helena and encourages Jason to let go of finding out what happened. Helena, however, wants to unburden herself so she can die peacefully. Sam and Elizabeth have multiple catfights about Jason on the flight to Greece, the highlights being a) Elizabeth can't handle Jason, b) Sam can't have both Jason and Patrick, c) Elizabeth has to be thrilled with Jason's amnesia because it means she can have him, and d) the flight attendant wants them to shut up or she'll send them to Greek jail. They briefly call a truce, agreeing to focus on helping Jason, but that's not going to last long. Hayden visits Shawn to assure him that she doesn't think he was the one who shot her. However, she's uncertain how to find out who did, since she could still be a target. Shawn has an idea of who can help her. Franco insists that he didn't cause Carly's accident, but when he realizes Kiki must have been the culprit, he decides to take the blame. Kiki objects to letting him take the fall for her crime, but Franco talks her into keeping her mouth shut. Nina, on the other hand, doesn't want Franco to admit to a crime he didn't commit now that he's trying to be a good person. Meanwhile, Morgan talks Kiki into running off with him.

I hope Helena's (alleged) illness isn't a side effect of being unfrozen, or Jason's in a lot of trouble.

I love how Jason did all this spy stuff to get into the house, while Sam and Elizabeth apparently just walked in.

Hi, Shawn! That was a nice surprise.

So Kiki's taking Morgan back AGAIN? I'm officially done with her.

November 20th, 2015

There's a whole freaking hour of Helena being smug, Jason demanding answers, Sam sniping at Helena, Nikolas trying to end every conversation, and Helena totally having Elizabeth's number. Sam tells Helena what she thinks of her and is cursed in return. The only information Helena provides is that the accident may not have been the cause of Jason's memory loss. Nina points Nathan in Kiki's direction, and he has traffic-cam photos of Franco's car analyzed to show that Kiki was the driver. Franco immediately calls Kiki to warn her that the police are coming for her. Nina thinks she's going to get dumped, but Franco assures her that they'll work things out. Morgan takes Kiki to a fishing cabin, planning to build a little life there. Kiki humors him for a little while, but when she learns of what's going on back home, she decides she needs to go back and take responsibility for her actions. Morgan becomes paranoid, thinking the cops are outside the cabin (which he claimed was Sonny's but apparently isn't), and goes out to face them with a gun. Epiphany has had enough of Sonny's complaining. Patrick whines to Carly about Jason, then goes to the gym, where Sonny, of all people, calms him down about his relationship woes.

You know, I wondered if Jason's amnesia was really a result of the accident. I just thought it was from the drugs he was given at the clinic. Anyway, where's Robin?

If Elizabeth weren't so focused on covering her own butt, she'd take advantage of this opportunity to ask some questions about Jake.

Sonny having to follow someone's orders makes me so happy.

Patrick, all you're doing is making me look forward to your exit. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT JASON.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Franco Baldwin

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Jason: "Who's paying for all of this?" Spinelli: "Um, you"; Nina: "I called every lawyer I know – except Ric"; Franco to Nathan: "In this or in any other universe where you work out too much"; the sassy flight attendant
Funniest moment (unintentional): For some reason, I laugh every time Jason calls Nikolas "Nik"
Saddest moment: Emma worrying that Sam will leave
Sweetest/cutest moment: Tracy being so kind to Emma
Least believable moment: Jason didn't tell Elizabeth he was leaving the country
Best instance of continuity: Helena has her nude portrait up in her bedroom
Worst instance of continuity: Elizabeth, you and Jason were not together before Sam came to town
Hero of the week: Tracy
Most annoying characters: Elizabeth, Nikolas, Patrick
Smartest character: Emma
Dumbest character: Sabrina, honestly

The week in a nutshell:

• Jason couldn't get Nikolas to tell him anything, so he headed for Greece, first making a stop in Portland to get some help from Spinelli. Sam and Elizabeth followed their husband/fiancé, fighting the whole time. On Cassadine Island, Nikolas tried to keep Jason from seeing Helena, but she welcomed her visitor, eager to answer all his questions. Then she stalled for an hour and only implied that she was responsible for Jason's amnesia.
• Nathan arrested Franco for Carly's accident, and it didn't take long for both Franco and Nina to figure out that Kiki was really to blame. Franco wanted to take the rap, to Nina's dismay. Morgan convinced Kiki to leave town with him, but she soon realized that he doesn't plan on going back to Port Charles. His mania revved up, then turned into paranoia, so he really shouldn't have a gun right now.
• Morgan offered to pretend to be interested in Ava again in order to keep close to Avery. Sonny said no, but Morgan approached his ex anyway. Paul thought she should take advantage of Morgan's closeness. After a fight with Carly, Ava told Paul that she's ready to play ball with the mob.
• Lulu saw Valerie on a stakeout with Dante and got the wrong idea. Maxie hacked Dante's email, and a message from Valerie just backed up that wrong idea. Dante realized that since Lulu can't trust him, their marriage might be beyond repair.
• Sonny threatened to divorce Carly, who shut him down and got him to admit that he hates being weak. On Lucas' advice, Carly brought in Epiphany as Sonny's physical therapist. It was awesome.
• Hayden started the search for her shooter, approaching Shawn for help.
• Anna realized that her Carlos-related problems aren't getting better, so sessions with Andre might do her some good.
• Patrick was kind of annoying about Jason being alive and what it means for his relationship with Sam. But he did apologize to Sabrina for what he put her through when Robin returned, which was nice.
• Maxie and Nina got to work whipping Crimson back into shape.
• Franco had his psych evaluation, but the results were basically inconclusive.
• Olivia was super-chill about Leo spending Thanksgiving with Julian.
• Helena wasn't able to get her hands on Emma, thanks to Tracy.

November 23rd, 2015

Helena backtracks, saying she wasn't responsible for Jason's amnesia after all. Then she spends half an hour claiming she's going to answer questions, like whether anyone knew who Jason was before he found out. Suddenly things go south, and a doctor declares her dead. Everyone totally buys this, even though they're way too smart to believe it. Jason accuses Nikolas of poisoning her to keep her from spilling anything, which is much more likely than Helena being dead. Kiki secretly calls Michael to tell him that Morgan's going off the rails. Michael alerts Sonny and Carly, then goes looking for his brother with Carly and Max. They arrive just as Morgan's trying to seduce Kiki, who's definitely not on board. Carly announces that they're taking Morgan to the hospital for a psych evaluation, promising that if a doctor says he doesn't have bipolar, she'll back off. Morgan resists, so Max overpowers him and forces him to return to Port Charles. Anna finally tells Andre that she killed Carlos, and his total lack of surprise just confirms my guess that he'd already figured it out. He promises to keep her confidence, but Anna still has Paul to worry about. She thinks her confession will end her dreams and hallucinations of Carlos, so she's pretty distressed when she sees him just minutes later, then finds a medallion inscribed with Carlos and Sabrina's names. Sabrina wants to tell Michael that he might not be the baby's father, but they're interrupted by Kiki's call. Sabrina tells Felix that she wants to honor her and Michael's love by being fully honest with him. Then she has a whole new problem to deal with: Her supposedly dead ex-boyfriend and the possible father of her child is at her door. Sonny and Epiphany discuss having a child you're unable to help, because someone remembered Stan for the first time in three years.

Sure Helena's dead. Suuuuuuuuure she is.

I'm going to renew my (reluctant) wish for Emily's ghost to show up and yell at Nikolas.

The whole Helena return was a complete waste of time. I'm going to need a spectacular Quartermaine Thanksgiving to make up for that.

There have been rumors for months that Carlos wasn't really dead, so I'm not surprised to see him back. I'm still rolling my eyes, though.

I guess Robin's spending another Thanksgiving alone, huh? Also, if Helena's the only one who knows where she is, she's in some trouble.

November 24th, 2015

Morgan's pretty ticked to be in the hospital, but he knows something's wrong with him and he needs to do something about it. Sonny promises that he can manage whatever's wrong, and reminds him that the family supports him. This is reiterated when Kristina pays a surprise visit. Morgan asks Carly to help Kiki, so Carly asks for the charges against her to be dropped, since she's not entirely sure what happened the night of the accident. Jordan agrees, and Paul goes along, giving Ava what she wanted, as well as making himself look like a good guy to Sonny and Carly. But there's also bad news for Ava, as Kiki still doesn't want to have anything to do with her. Carly invites Kiki to spend Thanksgiving with the Corinthoses, and Paul has to go to the Quartermaines', so Ava's alone for the holiday. The Corinthoses end up having Thanksgiving dinner at the hospital, thanks to Bobbie, but they're all fairly happy, considering the circumstances. Carlos is tight-lipped about the circumstances of his disappearance, only telling Sabrina that he took advantage of the opportunity to fake his death (and further someone's agenda). He's pretty sure the baby's his, though Sabrina swears it's Michael's. She warns Carlos to leave before Felix returns the next morning. Dante and Lulu fight for the 18th time after she files for separation. They still don't accomplish anything. Sam tells Patrick that she feels like she got what she needed from her trip to Greece. Jason is nothing more than a friend now, and Patrick isn't her second choice, but the person she wants to be with. They get reengaged, as if that means anything. Maxie and Nathan are going to Portland for Thanksgiving, and he bought Georgie a stuffed turkey, and they're so cute and happy, and I love them.

Kiki spends the night in jail and suddenly Franco's nowhere to be found. Interesting.

Paul: "The Corinthos family is falling apart." Cut to the Corinthoses having a perfectly fine Thanksgiving. I love it.

Sabrina's New Year's resolution needs to be to stop harboring fugitives.

Carlos: "Someone could recognize me." Well, then maybe stop walking around town undisguised.

Dante, SHUT UP. You don't get to be offended that your wife doesn't trust you after YOU GAVE HER A PRETTY MAJOR REASON NOT TO TRUST YOU.

So Sam thinks Helena's dead because of how Nikolas reacted to her "death." First of all, he didn't react, because Nikolas hasn't shown an emotion for a year. And second of all, he's a lying liar who lies, and Sam knows it, so come on.

Wouldn't Julian have invited Ava over?

November 25th, 2015

Jason surprises Monica by showing up for Thanksgiving at the Quartermaines'. The surprises continue when Paul and Dillon's attempt to deep-fry a turkey lead to a power outage, and Jason suggests that they order pizza. Jake is shocked to hear that Helena's dead, but claims he's not sad. Elizabeth decides that Laura was right about him needing therapy. Later, Sam overhears Jake telling Danny that Elizabeth and Laura have a secret about Jason. Patrick does something nice for once, inviting Andre to his house for Thanksgiving. Emma tries to play matchmaker for him and Anna, who pretend they've never met. Once they have some time alone, Anna shows up the medallion she found and says she thinks Carlos is really alive. Dante spends Thanksgiving with Valerie, signing his separation papers. Laura talks Lulu into trying to fix her marriage, but suggests she wait until the next day to go see Dante, which is a good idea, since he and Valerie aren't exactly dressed right now. Alexis isn't thrilled when Olivia brings food with her to Thanksgiving, since she supposedly slaved over their home-cooked meal. Then it's Olivia's turn not to be thrilled when Ava shows up like the Poor Little Match Girl, all, "Won't my brother take me in for the night?" Kristina argues that Ava should be allowed to stay, if only because she wants to spend time with her baby sister. When Ava exposes Alexis for having the meal catered and lying about it, Olivia and Ava are suddenly buddies. Patrick and Jason see each other for the first time since the wedding, and Patrick's like, "So I'm still going to marry your wife, okay?" Tracy notes that Paul didn't come home the night before. Meanwhile, Ava's disappointed that she won't get to see him that night. Molly starts to warm up to Julian. Dillon tells his parents that he's moving back to L.A., but I don't think we're that lucky.

I can't ignore the fact that Jake broke a glass/crystal figurine when he heard that Helena had died. Ice Princess, anyone?

Also, Jake! Jake! Jake! Bust this whole thing open! You're our best hope!

Jason-in-a-leather-jacket alert!

I get Anna not wanting to tell everyone that Andre is her therapist, but why pretend they've never met? Also, are they putting the two of them together? I don't see it.

I'm so disappointed that The Turkey Who Came in from the Cold doesn't actually exist.

After Olivia slammed the door on Ava, I wish she'd reopened it, grabbed Avery from her, and slammed it again.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Kiki Jerome
Back from the dead: Carlos Rivera
Hospitalized: Morgan Corinthos
Presumed dead: Helena Cassadine

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Nathan walking by the interrogation room, spotting Maxie, and walking backward to see if it was really her
Funniest moment (unintentional): "Nobody wants Kiki"
Saddest moment: Morgan confessing his fears to Sonny
Sweetest/cutest moments: Nathan got Georgie a stuffed turkey; Sonny saying that Morgan inspires him; Kristina and Molly's interactions with Avery
Least believable moment: Alexis violated attorney/client privilege by telling Olivia that Lulu filed for a separation
Best instances of continuity: Elizabeth made Nikolas believe he was Aiden's father; Epiphany had a son who died
Worst instance of continuity: Kristina said she hadn't planned to come to Port Charles for Thanksgiving, but Alexis said last week that she was coming
Hero of the week: Carly, for helping Kiki and taking her in
Most annoying character: Nikolas
Smartest character: Kiki, for calling Michael
Dumbest character: N/A

The week in a nutshell:

• Helena died. ALLEGEDLY. Sam decided she'd gotten enough answers and she's ready to move on with Patrick. Jake was the only one visibly disturbed by the news.
• Anna confessed to Andre that she killed Carlos, who then turned up at Sabrina's door, alive and well. He's also smart enough to know that he could be the baby's father. Anna saw him on the docks, found a medallion he dropped, and told Andre that she's not 100 percent sure Carlos is dead.
• Kiki called Michael to tell him Morgan was spiraling. Michael, Carly, and Max got Morgan to the hospital, where he started the process of getting evaluated and possibly treated for bipolar disorder.
• Carly asked for the charges against Kiki to be dropped, and Paul complied, which made Ava happy. Then Kiki spent Thanksgiving with the Corinthoses, which did not make Ava happy.
• The Quartermaines continued their tradition of Thanksgiving wackiness, this time thanks to a mishap with a deep-fryer. Jason made an appearance, and Sam became suspicious of the secret Jake told Danny that Elizabeth and Laura are keeping about him.
• Alexis, Olivia, and Ava made Thanksgiving tense, but they all ultimately calmed down.
• I'm super-sick of Dante and Lulu's storyline, and don't really care anymore if Dante and Valerie get together.

November 30th, 2015

Jason decides to try to meet with Diane to tie up loose ends involving Sam, Danny, and money. Elizabeth casually suggests that he also discuss the possibility of divorcing Sam. Sam is, surprisingly, on board with this, since she's ready to take the next step with Patrick. Carly, however, is very much against this and accuses Jason of trying to run away from his true self. Sam invites Jake over for a play date with Danny so she can ask him about the secret he mentioned on Thanksgiving. Jake's hesitant to talk about it too much, but he does clarify that Laura got mad about a secret Elizabeth has about Jason. Sam's next step is to go to Laura herself for more answers. Patrick tells Elizabeth that she and Jason belong together, and he and Sam belong together, but he's not sure Sam agrees. Carly definitely doesn't, as she pulls Elizabeth aside to tell her to let Jason go. Sonny gets a supervised visitation with Avery, which Paul manages to use to make himself look like a good guy. He assures Sonny that he's going to rid the town of "senseless violence." Lulu starts to tell Dante that she wants to give their marriage another try, but Valerie's presence makes her realize that things aren't going to get fixed. Valerie blames Lulu for the destruction of her own marriage, because Valerie is awful. Shawn connects Hayden with a friend named Curtis who's a bit sketchy (and will probably have Hayden in bed within the month). Hayden asks him to get her the bullet from the garage so she can prove that Shawn didn't shoot her. Nikolas tells Laura that Helena's dead, and her first reaction is to point out that that's one less person who knows that Nikolas and Elizabeth knew about Jason. She drinks a champagne toast to Helena on the Haunted Star, vowing to rehabilitate Nikolas. Paul informs Ava that he and an associate, Raj, are going to use the gallery to move shipments. Ava's curious as to the content of these shipments, as if she has a say or a choice in the matter.

The only reason I'm not freaking out about a possible Jason/Sam divorce is that they could just get remarried. Everything on this show can be undone.

I wonder what Laura would do if Sam asked her straight out if she knew who Jason was.

"There's nothing alluring about you." Poor Hayden. She's blind!

I'd like this Yvonne woman to recommend that the judge order Sonny to shave.

Maybe Ava's new lawyer boyfriend can teach her about plausible deniability. Don't open crates if you don't really want to know what's inside them.

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