General Hospital blog - September, 2012

September 1st, 2012

Next week: Road trip to Llanview! Snacks are on Heather! Plus, the once and future Maxie.

September 4th, 2012

Jax is so furious with Jerry that he decides to end the crisis himself. This involves grabbing a cop's gun and threatening to shoot him if he doesn't release Jerry from his cell. On their way out of the station, Joe shows up and fights Jax, then escapes with Jerry. Todd assembles the rest of the Port Charles 1 Percent (Sonny, Carly, Johnny, and Tracy) at the Quartermaines' and asks them each to pay a fifth of the ransom. It takes them a while to agree, and by the time they do, it doesn't matter since Jerry's already gone. Ewen holds Elizabeth at gunpoint while he and Jason yell at each other and fail to figure out how to successfully negotiate with each other. Finally Ewen shoots Jason in the leg, which just makes him madder. As soon as Elizabeth is out of the way, Jason shoots Ewen. Sam thinks Tracy has the Dead Man's Hand, but the cards are really in Luke's safe, along with something mysterious. Kate's in denial that Ewen could possibly be a bad guy. She's also pleased that Joe moved out of the hotel, which Sonny takes partial credit for. He decides not to tell her why he's letting Joe live.

Way to go, Jax. Now you look like an idiot.

I'd give you $17,622,200 if I had it, Todd. I'd give you anything you wanted. I'd even tell you where Jimmy Hoffa's buried.

Of course Jason's the hero. Like Ewen said, he's always the hero. Why couldn't, say, Patrick save Elizabeth?

Ewen's taking the Robin secret to his grave, isn't he?

September 5th, 2012

Jerry and Joe regroup at Ewen's cabin, where Jerry has stashed the antidote. Joe begs for another while trying not to admit that he gave his first one to Tracy. Jerry tells him that he acquired the pathogen by trading Robin for it, and if Duke was the person he made the trade with, something is really wrong here. The 1 Percenters fight amongst themselves for a while, because they apparently have that kind of time. Then Jerry calls Todd to arrange the ransom drop. Everyone realizes that Tracy isn't sick, so she goes to the hospital to see if her condition can give the doctors any clues about finding an antidote. Playing off of what Jason said about Jerry's past adventures with toxins, Patrick looks through Robin's old notes (with Maxie translating her horrible handwriting). Steven wants to save Ewen for Elizabeth's sake, but Ewen knows he's a lost cause and asks Steven to let him die. He tries to tell Patrick that Robin's alive but only manages to say there's something Patrick doesn't know before he flatlines. Sam faints, hitting her head, and winds up in a hospital room with Jason. She's a little freaked out about everyone possibly dying and for some reason wonders if her choices could have resulted in a different outcome.

So Duke is behind all of this?? I just don't understand.

It's nice to know that Kirsten Storms isn't the least bit rusty after almost a year away. It's like she never left.

If I were Ewen, I would have asked for a doctor who wasn't the brother of the woman I'd just kidnapped.

I'm sorry, but Sam? Shut up about the baby. Jason's and your decisions about the baby have nothing to do with Jerry.

September 6th, 2012

Sam imagines how things would have been if she'd left before Heather could tell her about Franco: She would have had a baby shower (at which she went into labor), Maxie and Spinelli would have gotten back together, the baby would have been born healthy, Edward would have bought them a bunch of furniture, the baby's name would have been Daniel Edward, and there would have been a second child down the road. Heather wants to make amends with Steven, and when that doesn't work, she decides to try for a do-over. This involves killing a nurse and paying Tea a visit.

I'm going to call this episode "Suck It, Liaison Fans."

Sam, I apologize for telling you to shut up about the baby. Especially since we're probably going to hear about the baby every day from now on. Um, including here.

They finally listened to me about the baby's name! Well, I thought the middle name should be Alan, but Edward's okay. After her conversation with Alexis, I thought Sam was going to go with Davis, which would have been okay, but Daniel makes much more sense. And I'll admit, I said "awwww" over them having a daughter named Emily.

So today we learned that Sam wants Edward to finance her child's upbringing.

Nice twist with making it look like Heather was going to call Sam.

September 7th, 2012

Sam decides it's her fault the baby died, so Jason asks Patrick for more information on the cause of death. Patrick admits that even if the baby had gotten to the hospital, he probably wouldn't have lived. Jason takes a look at the baby's medical records and realizes he had a blood type that a child of Sam and Franco's couldn't have had. The 1 Percenters wait for Jerry at a marina, wondering if he'll even show up. He does, but first he kidnaps Alexis, despite Shawn's attempts to stop him. While Jerry tells the 1 Percenters that he's taking Alexis with him when he leaves with their money, Shawn goes to the police station, where McBain and Dante are trying to find the 1 Percenters. Todd and Johnny start sniping at each other, and Jax overhears Todd saying that Johnny's been lying to Carly. Jax tattles to Carly, and now she really wants to know what Johnny's been keeping from her. Tea thinks Heather's awesome, since she saved "Victor," and she really, really shouldn't leave the two of them alone. Molly and TJ consider having sex, but she's worried about getting pregnant.

Thank you, Jason, for being smarter than every doctor who has looked at that chart.

Johnny's probably just going to tell Carly he killed Anthony. She won't care.

There is a monkey on the baby's outfit. I repeat: THERE IS A MONKEY ON THE BABY'S OUTFIT. Someone in the wardrobe has a wicked sense of humor.

I should've known Molly would be too smart to go for the plot I wanted to see.

Dead: Ewen Keenan
Injured: Jason Morgan
Kidnapped: Alexis Davis

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Todd (of course) assembling the Port Charles 1 Percent, directing Johnny to the kids' table, and asking Sonny if he knows where Jimmy Hoffa's buried; Johnny getting someone to retrieve money from the place where they buried that thing that one time; Sonny to Jax: "You'll get your therapy later"; fantasy Jason eating ice chips
Funniest moment (unintentional): Maxie: "I haven't been here for a long time"
Saddest moment: Sam blaming herself for the baby's death
Sweetest/cutest moment: All of Sam's fantasy
Least believable moments: Elizabeth kept saying that the bullet hit an artery in Jason's leg, but he didn't seem to be bleeding much; not one doctor noticed that Sam's supposed baby had a blood type impossible for him to have
Most annoying character: Patrick, just for talking when he should have been listening to Ewen
Smartest character: Jason, obviously
Dumbest character: Jax, for his poorly-thought-out jailbreak attempt
Previously unanswered questions now answered: 1. Luke had the cards.
2. Jerry and Ewen kidnapped Robin to trade her (possibly to Duke) for the pathogen.
Things we learned this week: 1. Robin has really bad handwriting.
2. Arterial bleeds are no big deal.
3. Sam wants Edward to give her furniture and tuition money.
4. TJ's a good artist.
5. Sam and Franco have the same blood type (which means Jason does, too).

September 8th, 2012

Next week: Jason blows on Todd's house of cards.

September 10th, 2012

Alexis first refuses to go with Jerry, then agrees to do what he wants if it means Sam and Molly will get the antidote. Everyone pulls a gun on Jerry, but he brings in goons to take them away. Sonny calls a halt to the money transfer, but Todd puts it through anyway. Dante, McBain, and Shawn arrive and kill all the goons while Jax tries to take Jerry's gun. It goes off, and first everyone thinks Jax has been shot, then Carly. It's actually Johnny, so no one cares. In the ensuing chaos, Jerry escapes with Alexis, leaving behind a locked briefcase but no combination. Carly makes Todd help her get Johnny to the hospital, which involves leaving the two of them alone together, a horrible idea since Todd really couldn't care less what happens to Johnny. Sonny, Jax, and Shawn go off to rescue Alexis while McBain and Dante get the case open, revealing the antidote and a surprise: a bomb. Jason thinks the babies might have been switched, but Elizabeth thinks he's just in denial. She notes that the only way to find out for sure is to perform a second autopsy, but he'd need Sam's permission to exhume the baby's body. Jason decides not to say anything to Sam in case he's wrong, but he's determined to see the theory through. Speaking of Sam and Jason, they have a hard time saying goodbye to each other, as do Steven and Elizabeth. Heather wants "Victor" for herself, but she'll settle for playing nanny for the time being.

Why is Alexis so surprised that they're making their getaway on a boat? And why are Sonny and Jax so dim about how that getaway could be made? You're at a marina, guys.

Did we really need that triple fake-out about who'd been shot? Especially when it wound up being Johnny, who a) isn't going to die and b) isn't going to garner much sympathy, since Carly's the only person who cares about him?

Elizabeth, of course there's another way for Jason to get the answers. It's called sending Max to the cemetery with a shovel. (Okay, that sounded a lot more classless than I intended. I'm just saying that Jason's not necessarily going to wait to get permission to exhume the baby's body.)

Holy cow, Dominic Zamprogna did his own stunts! Very impressive.

If the code to disarm the bomb is "Sophie," I will laugh my head off.

"Yes, random lady I met for five minutes that one time – I'd love to put my child's well-being in your hands!" Freaking A, Tea.

September 11th, 2012

Sonny isn't able to continue his and Jax's mission to stop Jerry, so instead he joins Shawn's mission to rescue Alexis. Shawn gets Alexis off the boat while Sonny stays behind. Jax steals the keys to the boat to keep Jerry from leaving, so Jerry tells him why he's doing what he's doing: He's dying of radiation poisoning and needs the money to buy his cure. Jax throws the keys in the water, so Jerry threatens to shoot him and detonate the bomb in the briefcase. Sonny shoots Jerry in the hand, but the ensuing gun battle punctures a barrel of gas and ignites it. Patrick manages to make a dose of antiserum from Tracy's blood, but there's no time to make more. Tracy demands that Monica give it to Edward, who in turn demands that it be given to Emma. Lulu randomly shows up at the marina and helps McBain and Dante try to defuse the bomb. McBain's bomb squad contact is extraordinarily unhelpful, and he's left behind to figure out which wire to cut. He opts for red, since Natalie has red hair. Johnny tries to come clean to Carly but doesn't have the strength. Steven basically tells Carly that he's not going to make it, so she should stay close by. The pathogen claims a victim, but it's the Quartermaines' cook, so no one's really that upset.

I bet Spinelli could have defused that bomb in five minutes. And having him do it would have allowed us to avoid that stupid I'll-just-cut-a-random-wire cliché.

That was a mean fake-out, making it sound like Edward was dead.

Why did they have Lulu show up? That was so weird.

I guess Joe's faking that he's still sick?

September 12th, 2012

There's an explosion at the marina, but it's Jerry's boat blowing up, not the briefcase. McBain cut the right wire, and the antiserum proves to be the real deal, so everyone's saved. On the minus side, Jerry and Jax appear to be dead. Olivia keeps thinking it's raining, which she sees as a sign that everything will be all right. The military ends up spraying the city with water containing the antiserum, so one again, Olivia's psychic. Elizabeth admits to Steven that she still has feelings for Jason, and it looks like he might feel the same. But Sam seems to want to be with McBain, so I guess everyone gets to be happy. Monica's on Elizabeth's side about Jason's baby-related theories. Sonny wants to marry Kate right away. Like, next week. Dante and Lulu jump right back on the baby-making train.

"Hey, everyone! The crazy guy who's faked his death no less than three times appears to be dead for real, despite the fact that we don't have a body! Let's all go back to our normal lives as if there's nothing to worry about!" Morons.

I would go on a rant about the Sam/McBain and Jason/Elizabeth stuff, but it really doesn't matter.

I guarantee Kate will put together some multimillion-dollar extravaganza by next week, and all we'll see of the planning is her yelling at people to "get it done." Or maybe she'll get Maxie to do all the work, since the last wedding Maxie planned didn't actually go forward.

If it's any consolation, Jason, once you get all the baby stuff sorted out, you get to say, "I told you so."

September 13th, 2012

Sonny tells Carly that Jax is dead, and she blames him. Of course, it's not true, and he's fine, and even grateful to Sonny. Todd tries to kill Johnny, then changes his mind, instead cautioning him to keep his mouth shut. Johnny notes that Jax will keep pulling at the thread of Johnny being a liar, so they'll have to take care of that. But first, the two men make their keep-our-mouths-shut agreement official. Jason finally gets someone to agree with him about a possible baby swap: Spinelli, who discovers a tissue donation that would prevent the need for an exhumation. Kristina tells Sam that she got married as Michael tells Sonny the same thing. Sonny's furious and demands to meet Trey's father, since he's the one the arrangement was supposed to benefit. Spinelli tells Maxie that if they can't be together, he doesn't want to be friends. Felicia gives her some actual good advice about keeping an open mind and appreciating that Spinelli wants to be there for her. Tracy realizes she doesn't know Joe's last name, but his St. Joseph medal tells her his initials are J.M.S.

Did anyone else laugh when Jax thanked Sonny? It was just so weird.

"There's no way anyone could have survived that explosion. Except me." Sonny, boat explosions on this show are notoriously survivable. Just ask Anna, Robert, and Faisan. And now, Jax.

No one's asking the obvious questions: If the baby who died wasn't Sam's, whose was he? And if Sam's son is alive, where is he now? Sam and McBain know that Tea had her baby the same night, so I would think it's just a hop, skip, and a jump over to the truth.

I keep wondering if Joe knows who Tracy is in relation to Gino Soleito, which also makes me wonder if she would know who he is if she learned his last name.

September 14th, 2012

Starr meets Joe and interrogates him about his past problems with Sonny. He denies that he's even heard of Sonny, then lays into Trey for telling Starr anything. Meanwhile, Michael tells Kate what's going on and asks if she knows of anyone with the last name Mitchell who might have a vendetta against Sonny originating in Bensonhurst. Trey goes to Sonny's to chat with his new father-in-law, and as Kate blasts him for his stunt with Kristina, she recognizes his St. Joseph medal as identical to Joe's. Elizabeth decorates the penthouse for Jason's birthday, then tells him she wants to be with him. Meanwhile, Sam's having second thoughts about her divorce now that she no longer blames Jason for the baby's death. Unsurprisingly, the two points converge, and Sam catches Jason and Elizabeth kissing. Spinelli manages to enlist a reluctant lab tech named Ellie to test the baby's tissue. She confirms that the baby's blood type isn't compatible with Sam and Franco's. Tracy wants Joe to move into the Quartermaines', so Monica reasonably wants to know more about him, like, say, his last name. Alexis handles Kristina's marriage news surprisingly well, focusing on the imminent annulment.

I like that the episode started with one parent/child storyline (Sam and the baby), but the cliffhanger involved a different parent/child storyline (Trey and Joe, which means Kate's about to figure out who Trey's mother is). I never thought Todd's mess would outlast Joe's mess.

I hate to say anything, but Starr? Shhh. None of this is your business.

Someone please keep reminding me that it doesn't matter who Jason makes out with, because in a few weeks, it'll all be irrelevant.

Point of continuity: Jason never celebrated his real birthday after the accident. He always celebrated his birthday as the day he woke up as Jason Morgan. But whatever. This way people get to keep talking about Franco.

There's no way Alexis already has divorce papers for Jason and Sam to sign. NO WAY.

Birthday: Jason Morgan
Dead: Cook
Injured: Johnny Zacchara
Presumed dead: Jerry Jacks

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Hearing Muzak through McBain's phone when the bomb squad put him on hold
Funniest moment (unintentional): Alexis: "Jerry had other ideas." Sam: "Jerry Jacks?" No, Sam, Jerry O'Connell
Saddest moment: I'm going to go with everyone thinking they're going to die
Sweetest/cutest moment: Edward giving the antiserum to Emma
Least believable moments: Everyone thinks Jerry's dead even though he's faked his death before; Sam and Jason already have divorce papers ready to go
Most annoying character: Elizabeth, and I do NOT have to justify that decision. And I'm not even going to try to pretend it isn't personal. Also, Starr, a little
Smartest character: Kate, who's going to bring down an entire web of lies because she recognized a piece of jewelry (totally makes sense for her, doesn't it?)
Dumbest character: Joe, whose idea of lying low is laughable at best
Things we learned this week: 1. Dante knows kung-fu, or something like it.
2. You can coat a bullet in radioactive material and give someone radiation poisoning.
3. Jason's birthday is September 13th.
4. Elizabeth is totally okay with being in a rebound relationship.

September 15th, 2012

Next week: Welcome back, Connie.

September 17th, 2012

Trey admits that he's Joe Scully III, and Kate figures out that he's son. He denies her story, especially when she tells him he was the product of rape. Then he meets his other mother, Connie, who's less sensitive to his feelings and straight-out tells him she wanted to abort him. Sonny comes home to find Trey crying, Connie yelling at him, and no idea what's going on. Jason tells Elizabeth they can't be together because nothing's changed from the last time they decided not to be together. Sam runs straight home, signs her divorce papers, and takes off her wedding ring. Spinelli gives the tissue results to Jason and suggests bringing Sam into the investigation. Jason says no, in case her baby didn't survive either. He wants to recreate the night of the baby's birth, starting with a trip to the shed. Spinelli gets a prize for becoming the first person to connect Heather to the situation. Tea hires "Susan" as "Victor"'s nanny, then calls to share the news with Todd, who doesn't know who "Susan" is. Despite Heather's strange behavior, Tea proves to have horrible instincts. Sonny outs Joe's identity to Tracy, who, fortunately, believes him and kicks Joe out. Steven finally learns that Heather escaped from Ferncliff. The 1 Percenters' money disappears from the overseas account.

RIP, John Ingle. I'm glad he had those last scenes last week, and that they were so sweet.

Sean Kanan's coming back, possibly as A.J., possibly as someone new. I could get behind an A.J. return. I mean, imagine the possibilities.

Yay, Connie!

Elizabeth, it's not Jason's fault that you make HORRIBLE relationship decisions. Now wipe your tears and go hook up with Patrick.

September 18th, 2012

Trey runs off and Connie plays Kate, leaving Sonny in the dark again. Michael finally gives Sonny the news that Trey's father is an old enemy, adding the new information that said father was in jail but is now in Port Charles. Sonny immediately figures out exactly who he's talking about. Connie pays Johnny a visit to announce that she's back for good. Carly asks Johnny what Todd was accusing him of lying about, so he makes up a story about borrowing his share of the ransom from mobsters. He then asks her to file for divorce, so she finally broaches the subject with Jax. Jax, meanwhile, asks Todd what he has on Johnny, and Todd tells him Johnny's a cross-dresser. Jax figures that Todd's only defending him because Johnny has something on him. Jason and Spinelli slowly start to put all the pieces together, including Luke's previous report that Heather had an accomplice. Jason's about to head off to Ferncliff to force the truth out of Heather when they learn of her escape. Steven thinks Heather will come after Olivia, but Olivia thinks she'll go somewhere to deal with unfinished business. Her LSD ESP also tells her that Kate isn't Kate. Starr bugs Trey to tell her what he and Kate talked about, but he doesn't trust her after she spilled his previous secret to Michael. I really don't need any details on or further screen time devoted to Lulu and Dante's family planning.

When Sonny's putting things together before anyone else, you know you're dealing with a lot of dumb people.

"No more secrets. Other than the other three I'm keeping." Johnny, it's really hard to have any sympathy for you.

Thank you, Jason, for once again reminding the audience that this whole thing started over AN UNDELIVERED LETTER.

I'm starting to think that Olivia might be able to solve every mystery on the show. Can we send her to Llanview?

September 19th, 2012

Trey confronts Joe about Kate being his mother, which he confirms, sticking to his story that there was no rape and Kate abandoned Trey. Trey's first inclined to believe him, since Connie was so horrible to him, but then he wonders if he was really talking to Kate. Joe asks him to keep a low profile in hopes that they can still get at Sonny's money. Trey isn't sure who to trust, but he's happy to be able to go home to Kristina. Sonny tells Michael that he thinks Joe and Kate are Trey's parents, and Starr confirms Trey's paternity for them. Johnny offers to help Connie disappear, but she has a big plan in mind that will prevent her from having to marry Sonny. Patrick has two new admirers, Dr. Britt Westborne and a nurse named Sabrina. Tracy decides that Sonny's accusations about Joe aren't as important as her feelings for him.

The obvious solution to shut down Joe's plan is for Sonny to cut Kristina off. I'm not sure how Joe thinks this will all shake out anyway. I think he thought this through about as well as Todd thought through his plan.

I have to laugh every time someone says that Connie was completely integrated. Yeah, as reported by a doctor who turned out to be a nutbar.

That sound you hear is all the Patrick/Robin fans screaming in agony. Also, I think Sabrina would be much more compatible with Spinelli.

I'm loving all the Tracy/Monica scenes. Yay, Quartermaines!

September 20th, 2012

Sonny tells Alexis who Trey is, making her look forward to Trey and Kristina's annulment even more. She doesn't know yet that the two have decided to stay married, and further, they've consummated the marriage, so the annulment isn't in the cards. Jason goes to Steven in the hopes that he knows where Heather might be. He ends up telling Steven that he thinks Heather took the baby, and it's a good thing he did: Steven knows that the baby might be in Llanview with Tea. As if Steven weren't a strange enough ally, Jason ends up calling McBain to ask for more help. Sonny hires Maxie as a wedding planner, and she's surprised that "Kate" wants such Connie-like things. Connie explains that the integration gave her characteristics of both personalities. Just when it looks like Sam's done with Jason, McBain tells her he found her dragon. Starr questions Trey's intentions and can barely keep her mouth shut about what she knows about him. Joe tries to get Tracy to see that he's a good guy, but in the end, Sonny's warnings win out after all. Johnny's worried about what his deal with Connie will mean for his relationship with Carly.

I forgot that Steven saw Todd and Tea that night! Wow, who would've thought Steven would be a key part of breaking this storyline?

All this build-up to Connie's plan better pay off.

Starr, for someone who claims to be good at keeping secrets, you suck at keeping secrets.

The multiple mentions of Johnny and painkillers make me think we're in for an addiction storyline...

September 21st, 2012

Jason lets McBain into the inner circle of people who know about the baby swap, and together the two of them figure out exactly what happened. McBain also ties Todd to the swap, but Jason doesn't want to approach him and make him suspicious. He asks McBain to get a DNA sample from "Victor," so McBain heads to Llanview, arriving just as Heather's about to run off with the baby. Sam takes the divorce papers and the dragon to the penthouse, where Spinelli tries desperately to change Sam's mind. Meanwhile, Jason retrieves the phoenix from the lost-and-found at the Floating Rib and takes it to the Chinese restaurant, inadvertently meeting up with Sam and the dragon. Anna returns to Port Charles and starts another search, this one for Heather. She's also suspicious of Todd but has no problems approaching him. Speaking of Todd, Johnny tells him that he came clean to Carly, which is really stupid of him, since Todd could have blurted out his secrets right then. The two men agree to keep their deal in place, but Todd will have to make sure Connie keeps quiet. Maxie has to cancel watching Emma so she can plan the wedding, leading Patrick to have to cancel his date with Britt. Sabrina's thrilled until Britt volunteers her to babysit.

Enjoy your freedom while you can, Todd. To quote @attaboyMorgan, "Some of you will be jailed."

Dragon and phoenix, reunited! Okay, I'm a dork.

Johnny and Todd need to just stop talking to each other. Not that it'll help them at all, but at least people will stop almost overhearing incriminating information.

Sabrina's daydream just makes me even more sure that she would be better off with Spinelli.

Divorced: Carly and Jax Jacks
Nearly divorced: Sam and Jason Morgan
Not divorced, and probably not going to be: Kristina Corinthos and Trey Mitchell

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Connie making Johnny scooch over in his hospital bed; Connie keeps Sonny's credit card in her bra; Maxie's face upon receiving said credit card
Funniest moment (unintentional): "I'm really good at keeping secrets" – tell me another one, Starr
Saddest moment: Trey having to hear straight from his mother that she wanted to abort him
Sweetest/cutest moment: Patrick and Anna's reunion
Least believable moment: Todd and Johnny still haven't learned how to handle blackmail, or how to use their indoor voices
Most annoying character: Elizabeth, always
Smartest character: It's a tie between Jason, Steven, and McBain
Dumbest character: It's a tie between Johnny and Todd (once again)
Unanswered question of the week: What happened to the 1 Percenters' money?
Things we learned this week: 1. Tea is dumber than a box of hammers.
2. Patrick is not familiar with the music of Katy Perry.
3. Sabrina is a Downton Abbey fan. (At least I assume that's what her daydream was based on.)
4. Sonny and Kate (Connie?) are getting married on a Tuesday.

September 22nd, 2012

Next week: With or without strippers, Connie's bachelorette party is going to rock.

September 24th, 2012

Kristina refuses to get an annulment, and Trey tells her parents he genuinely cares about her. Sonny's predictably furious, but Alexis thinks Trey might be telling the truth. McBain ruins Heather's kidnapping plans, and will probably ruin all her other plans as well since he now has a DNA sample from the baby. Sam and Jason get guilted into having an anniversary dinner at the Chinese restaurant, and it's totally not awkward at all. For serious not awkward: their post-dinner makeout session. Connie stops by Johnny's with some sort of paperwork pertaining to their deal. Carly's there, so Connie tells her she wants to get married at the Haunted Star. Johnny doesn't want to participate anymore, but it's too late to turn back. Trey wants to know Joe's endgame, even though he's not sure he wants to be involved. Joe pretends he's calling everything off, then meets with an unseen accomplice. Maxie and Spinelli manage to have a civil conversation, but it doesn't really go anywhere.

If I were Kristina, I would find it hard to stop myself from reminding my mother that she, too, once got married in Vegas to someone she didn't love. (Or was that Atlantic City? Eh, same difference.)

That baby seemed to really want McBain to hold him. Jason should probably be jealous.

No magic fortune cookies? Shame. (P.S. Sucks to be you, Liaison fans.)

Johnny, once again, you DON'T GRASP THE CONCEPT OF BLACKMAIL. Halfway through the scheme is NOT THE TIME TO CALL SOMEONE'S BLUFF.

September 25th, 2012

Elizabeth's now a believer and offers to get the baby's DNA to the lab (under her own name, so let's hope Helena isn't around). Sam tells Carly about the divorce papers, as well as her suspicions that Jason and Elizabeth are going to get back together. Carly tells her to stop jerking Jason around (i.e., filing for divorce, then kissing him) because she has the power to fix things. Now Sam's having second thoughts about the divorce. Anna questions Todd about his relationship with Heather but doesn't learn much. She discusses things with McBain, who tells her she's on to something but he's a few steps ahead. Emma's a brat to Sabrina, but she brings Patrick and Britt's date to a premature end, so it's all good. Johnny tells Todd to put a leash on Connie, and Todd tells him to find Heather. Connie tries to make Sonny think that her wedding plans were all Maxie's doing.

I almost feel sorry for Elizabeth, who has no idea just how big this DNA test is and what it could mean for her future with Jason. ALMOST.

I hate it when I agree with Carly. She's totally right about Sam. Of course, the woman who took a year to sign her own divorce papers probably shouldn't be lecturing people about how to end their own relationships in a timely manner...

I'm not saying I want to like her or anything, but it would be nice if they gave Britt at least one redeeming quality.

Connie, welcome to the Didn't Think This Through Club. You know Johnny and Todd.

September 26th, 2012

The DNA test results are back, and they don't show a match between Sam and "Victor," which means Elizabeth might have tampered with them, which means she's a horrible, horrible human being. Todd has Connie kidnapped so he can tell her hes on to her and threaten to expose her. She promises to keep quiet about all of Todd and Johnny's secrets under threat of being exposed. She also tells Todd her plans for Sonny, which somehow involve breaking up Johnny and Carly. Todd admits that Johnny wanted him to "get rid" of her, so now Connie wants even more from Johnny. Speaking of kidnappings, Sonny has Johnny brought to him, but it's surprisingly not so he can issue any threats. He just wants Johnny to tell him if Connie resurfaces. Later, he finds Trey's St. Joseph medal, which Connie dropped when she was grabbed. Britt guesses that Sabrina has a crush on Patrick and continues to be awful. Jax talks to Alexis about his now-officially-former marriage and concerns for Carly now that she's associating with mobsters again. Then he goes back to Australia. Carly amuses herself by telling Shawn that Jax and Alexis used to have a passionate marriage. She also warns Elizabeth not to get her hopes up about Jason.

Dear Elizabeth, I DON'T TRUST YOU.

Where did Todd get thugs?

I think that's the end of Jax. I'm just glad he left before I started hating him again.

Between the St. Joseph medals and the dragon and phoenix, I'm having trouble keeping track of which inanimate objects are in whose possession.

September 27th, 2012

Connie demands strippers at her bachelorette party, and after she's run out of ideas, Maxie has Lulu flirt with Milo to get him to do the job. He's a resounding success, and after his performance, Connie jumps him. Sonny tells Michael that Trey is Kate's son, then shows him the St. Joseph medal, which he thinks is Joe's. Joe's medal is actually being returned to him by Tracy, who swears she's done with him...or she will be after another round in the sack. Spinelli urges Jason not to give up on his marriage or the search for the baby. Then he calls Ellie to ask her opinion on the situation. Trey tells Starr he talked to his mother but won't elaborate. Sonny offers Trey money, thinking that's why he's with Kristina. Elizabeth confides in Lulu that she did something stupid. Dante and Spinelli mistakenly think Michael wants to marry Starr.

There was some odd editing in this episode – one of Felicia, Maxie and Mac's scenes ended at an odd place; one of Jason and Spinelli's scenes seemed to start in the middle of a sentence – but the striptease/poker game montage was perfect.

I shouldn't be surprised that Milo's ripped. Before he started acting, Drew Cheetwood was a personal trainer.

Connie, this is easy to get out of: Tell Olivia she's hallucinating.

Why was Elizabeth at the bachelorette party? Why weren't Alexis and Diane there? Hmmm, maybe Alexis was with Shawn?

Why would you play poker with Jason? He has the perfect poker face. Also, I could have sworn that Max had a royal flush when he folded. Maybe that was a different hand.

When Max said, "Jacks or better to open," I so wanted Sonny to make a Jacks/Jax reference.

Shouldn't they have hidden the Cuban cigars before Dante arrived?

Trey, why tell Starr you saw your mother if you're going to spend the next five minutes saying you don't want to talk about it?

September 28th, 2012

Connie takes my advice, telling Olivia that she hallucinated the makeout session. Olivia's skeptical but doesn't have much choice but to believe her. Milo hightails it to the restaurant and confides in Max, who advises him to keep his mouth shut. Elizabeth eavesdrops on Sam and Kristina, learning that Sam and Jason kissed on their anniversary. She makes sure Sam overhears her telling Lulu that she also kissed Jason, but she lies that he initiated it and wants to get back together once the divorce is final. Sam believes her and takes the divorce papers to Jason. Trey confirms to Sonny that he's Joe's son but swears that neither of them wants to hurt Kristina. Sonny starts to get violent, but Trey runs off before anything can happen. Meanwhile, Starr tells Kristina that Trey had contact with his mother and encourages her to try to get him to open up. Ellie questions the DNA test results, assuring him that the results of the tissue testing were accurate. Jason wants to call an end to the investigation anyway. Johnny tries to literally run away from his problems, but Carly isn't game. Maxie gets her job back at Crimson (assuming Kate gets it back from Todd), and Felicia encourages her to ride the high all the way to Spinelli. Unfortunately, she does so just as Spinelli's inviting Ellie to be his date to the wedding.

On the one hand, I have to wonder if Elizabeth also has multiple personalities, because her lies to Lulu were out of character for her. On the other hand, I enjoy the probability that my years-long hatred for her is now justified.

Oh, you think Trey's sketchy, do you, Dante? Once again, you're five steps behind.

Jason, just because Tea's baby allegedly isn't Sam's doesn't mean Sam's isn't alive. The absence of a match doesn't mean no match exists.

If Spinelli and Ellie get married, her name alone would be worth it.

Left town: Jax Jacks

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Todd's avatar for Johnny on his phone is a donkey; Milo's striptease; Lulu directing said striptease; Sam covering Kristina's eyes to protect her from said striptease
Funniest moment (unintentional): The Noodle Buddha? Hee
Saddest moment: Carly and Jax saying goodbye to each other
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jax and Alexis
Least believable moment: Mac served Kristina alcohol
Most annoying characters: Elizabeth, who has proven to be every horrible thing I ever thought she was, times ten. And Britt. Shut up, Britt
Smartest character: Spinelli, whose persistence is totally going to pay off
Dumbest character: Elizabeth, because eventually the truth will come out, and obviously Jason will be ticked
Unanswered question of the week: Who is Joe working with?
Things we learned this week: 1. Britt's a vegetarian. (Pretend to care.)
2. Milo's from Brooklyn.
3. Lulu can dance.
4. Connie can't.

September 29th, 2012

Next week: Some of you need to start getting your stories in order. Like, now.

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