September 6th, 2016

Sam and Jason are remarried and sweet and super-happy. Spinelli notices that she's not drinking during their toasts, so they announce her pregnancy to him, Carly, and Sonny. Franco decides to tell Elizabeth about her long-lost sister, but she codes before he can. Valerie hears Finn and Curtis talking about clearing Hayden and lectures Curtis on letting the police do their job, because Hayden is definitely guilty. This just makes Curtis want to help Hayden even more. Sabrina overhears Ava and Paul talking, though she doesn't hear anything incriminating. Ava wants Paul to remember to do what she wants, since she knows everything he's done. She's wrong, since she doesn't know that he's the one who pushed Elizabeth (of course). Sabrina decides not to pass judgment on Elizabeth for dating a serial killer, since her late husband wasn't much better. Monica wants Sabrina back on staff, which makes Sabrina very happy.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. JASAM HAS REJASAMMED. OH, HAPPY DAY.

Not a good day for Elizabeth fans, though. (Sorry not sorry.)

Jake: "It's vanilla." Me: "It's FREE CAKE. Just eat it."

Sabrina, no! Don't question the serial killer about whether he's acting ethically!

Oh, shut up, Valerie.

September 7th, 2016

Elizabeth's spleen ruptures, and while she undergoes surgery, Franco calls Jason to let him know what's going on. Of course, the two butt heads about when/how to tell Jake. Without his medication, Morgan's kind of down, which makes Ava feel proud of herself. Sonny notices and warns that he's not going to let her get away with anything. Tracy urges Dillon to fight for Kiki, or at least make up his mind what he wants and pursue it. Dillon decides he's fine not being with Kiki, and tells her he's happy that she's happy. Sam's so happy that it seems inevitable that things will eventually go south.

So I assume the hospital won't have enough blood for Elizabeth, and they'll have to turn to a relative to donate? A relative she doesn't know she has? A relative who's currently in lockup at the PCPD?

Are we really going to do a whole thing where we have to watch Jason tell Jake about Elizabeth? What's the point? Obviously she's going to be fine.

Just waiting for someone to ask Morgan if he's taking his medication...

Can people please stop jinxing the heck out of Sam and Jason?

September 8th, 2016

Apparently Elizabeth has a really rare blood type, and there isn't enough of that blood in the hospital, so she'll need a transfusion. Of course, Franco's mind goes to Hayden, and he approaches Naomi about getting her to donate. Naomi still refuses to tell Hayden about her sister, since the revelation could have negative long-term ramifications. Franco ignores her and goes to Hayden himself. Curtis gets to work on clearing Hayden, over Valerie's objections, and quickly finds something that could help her: Elizabeth may have taken a photo of the person who pushed her. Robert shows Dante and Lulu a list of inventory from Crichton-Clark, including a freezer that seems to have been opened before the explosion. Lulu immediately thinks that Helena retrieved the embryo from it and too it to Cassadine Island. Dante and Robert try to tell her that it's a long shot, but she insists that they need to go back to Greece. Griffin tries to smooth things over with Maxie, because somehow he's still the bad guy in the situation because he didn't tell her who he was. She asks him to repay her by finding out Claudette's agenda. For some reason, we have to watch Jake panic over the possibility of his mother dying.

So many people on soaps have rare blood types that they probably can't be classified as "rare" anymore.

If you're wondering what kind of person Naomi really is, she's willing to let a woman die rather than let Hayden know who her real father is.

You know, Hayden could be in a worse position. At least the two people helping her are both awesome.

Dear Valerie, please see my September 6th instruction re: shutting up. Then shut up.

"We have to go back!" Well, finally, Jack Shephard.

September 9th, 2016

Franco determines that Hayden and Elizabeth have the same blood type and manages to get Hayden to agree to donate. Just as he's about to break her out of lockup, Finn and Curtis show Jordan the photo on Elizabeth's phone, which is clearly of a man's shoes. Jordan agrees to drop the charges against Hayden, though Paul's pretty upset about that. With nothing hanging over her head anymore, Hayden decides she can make some demands: If Franco wants her to donate blood, she wants something in exchange. Morgan starts to get a little manic while talking to Nelle about her lifelong dream of becoming a teacher. He decides he needs to do something he's passionate about – marketing – and immediately enrolls in college. Robert finds out through a contact that the house Daphne supposedly lives in has been abandoned for years, and no one with her name lives on the island. Lulu doesn't care, insisting that they need to go back to Greece and get some answers. Griffin asks Sonny if he thinks Alexis is stable enough to be a reliable witness at Julian's trial. Sonny admits that she's pretty shaky right now, but he thinks all the evidence against Julian will be enough to send him to prison. And if it's not, Sonny will just have to take care of that himself. Nelle accepts Carly's offer to become her new personal assistant.

I desperately need more of The Finn and Curtis Show.

Hey, Valerie, Curtis will accept your apology any time you're ready.

Has a character played by Michael Easton ever liked a character played by Roger Howarth?

So now the PCPD is all concerned with chain of command. Nice try, Paul.

Scorecard:
Remarried: Sam and Jason Morgan

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Spinelli: "The bride and groom have written their own vows." Sam: "We have?"; Spinelli commandeering Sam's champagne
Funniest moment (unintentional): Morgan being happy to see Nelle because Carly could bug her instead of him
Saddest moment: Jake worrying about Elizabeth
Sweetest/cutest moment: Everything Sam and Jason, again
Least believable moment: "This woman with a concussion didn't see the person who pushed her, but she really thinks it's her rival, so we'll go ahead and arrest her"
Best instance of continuity: Spinelli drank orange soda at the Floating Rib
Worst instance of continuity: Oh, suddenly Elizabeth has a "very rare blood type"?
Heroes of the week: Finn and Curtis
Most annoying character: Valerie
Smartest characters: Finn and Curtis
Dumbest character: Paul. You suck at crime, Paul

The week in a nutshell:

• Finn and Curtis teamed up to help Hayden, ignoring Valerie's protests that Curtis should let the PCPD do their job. The revelation (just to the audience) that Paul pushed Elizabeth just made Valerie look dumber. Finn found a picture on Elizabeth's phone showing a man behind her, so Hayden was cleared over Paul's protests. Franco was about to tell Elizabeth that she and Hayden are sisters when her spleen ruptured. Unsurprisingly, Elizabeth has a rare blood type, so Franco went to Hayden for a transfusion. She's willing to help, but she wants something in return.
• Lulu thinks Helena took her embryo to Cassadine Island, and she wants to find Daphne, even though she doesn't appear to exist.
• Sam and Jason retied the knot and announced their pregnancy to Sonny, Carly, and Spinelli.
• Ava's medication switch had Morgan on a downswing, then manic again and signing up for college.
• Griffin worried that Alexis' testimony won't be enough to put Julian away.
• Carly hired Nelle as a personal assistant.
• Maxie asked Griffin to find out what Claudette's up to.
• Dillon is apparently ready to move on from Kiki.
• Sabrina's now just five seconds from getting her job back at GH.

September 12th, 2016

Hayden wants her diamonds in exchange for donating blood, and Franco doesn't really have a choice but to agree to her terms. Naomi arrives and worries that Franco spilled everything when he talked Hayden into the donation. Finn thinks Hayden's awesome for helping Elizabeth after everything they've gone through, even when Hayden tells him she partially donated to protect herself. Scott tells Julian that he's going to win the trial by attacking Alexis' character. Julian, of course, hates this strategy. Ava complains that Paul hasn't done enough to tank the trial, like, all they've done is select the jury. Calm down. She can't tell Julian what she's up to, but she tries to assure him that things will go in his favor. Sabrina gets her job back at the hospital, but Michael objects to her returning to work, what with the serial killer hanging out there. Tracy takes Sabrina's side in the discussion, telling Michael that Sabrina needs a self-esteem boost and some independence. Sam and Molly try to distract Alexis from the coming trial, but it doesn't really work. Franco tells Jason that he and Elizabeth are dating whether Jason likes it or not. Curtis probably thinks Finn's an addict.

When Hayden inevitably doesn't get her diamonds back, I hope she turns Elizabeth in for knowing that Nikolas tried to have her killed. (I mean, it's not like she can take her blood back.)

I'm so glad Sabrina's smart enough to be suspicious of Paul. That'll probably end up saving her life.

Hey, writers, any time you want to let us in on Paul's motives, you just go right ahead.

"You have to respect Elizabeth's choices." Ha ha ha, that's so funny because no, he doesn't.

September 13th, 2016

Elizabeth wakes up and is shocked to learn that Hayden has been released from lockup. Unable to get Hayden put away for her attack, she decides to get her put away for something worse. Hayden visits and reveals that her blood transfusion saved Elizabeth's life, and now she'd like her diamonds. Elizabeth informs her that it's too late – Sabrina's already retrieved the diamonds and is turning them in to Nathan. Franco discusses the newfound Webber with Kiki, who tells him he'll have to decide for himself whether or not to give Elizabeth the news. When he finds Hayden and Elizabeth fighting, he tells them they should play nice, since they're sisters. The hospital board wants to shut down GH until the killer's caught, but Tracy thinks the staff will get other jobs and the hospital will never be able to reopen. They press Paul to keep the investigation moving, which, of course, won't happen. Also, Paul is apparently killing people as a gift for Susan? Anyway, he finally gets the chance to drug Monica. Jordan and Nathan ask Andre to help them with the hospital investigation, focusing on the victims and why they may have been targeted. As a bonus, Andre figures out that Elizabeth's attack is probably connected to the murders. The three investigators think the killer made the victims sick so they'd be taken to GH, and he may be trying to get the hospital shut down. Morgan tells Kiki he's back in school and is offended when she laughs. He points out that she's not doing anything with her life, so she has no room to judge his decisions. Darby lets Morgan know that he can just buy a paper online instead of actually writing it, so his college experience will either be really easy or over very quickly. Finn decides he and Hayden can't take things any further because he's not over his wife.

I figured they would keep dragging out the Elizabeth-and-Hayden-are-sisters secret for a while, so I was pleasantly surprised that Franco just blurted it out. Take that, Naomi!

Heh, Sabrina's less concerned about Elizabeth holding on to Hayden's diamonds than she is about her keeping them in a kitchen drawer.

Paul's motive is...Susan? I don't get it.

I liked the Jordan/Andre/Nathan scenes today. Yay for good, old-fashioned police work! Hopefully they'll follow up on what Andre said about Elizabeth possibly being targeted because she saw something, and they'll ask her who she saw/talked to before she was pushed.

Tracy, if you want the board to do something, send Epiphany.

Monica didn't have time to go to the wedding but she had time to meet Tracy at the hotel. UH-HUH. (Yeah, I'm going to be bitter about her missing the wedding for a while.)

September 14th, 2016

Sabrina spots Paul leaving Monica's office, where he's rendered her unconscious. She finds Monica and sends Paul to get help while she administers CPR and gets Monica breathing again. When Sabrina later asks Paul why he didn't actually summon help, she sees a glove in his pocket and realizes he's the killer. She's unable to escape him, and though she tries to fight him off, she's either unconscious or dead by the time he gets to court for Julian's trial. Hayden and Elizabeth have a hard time believing Franco's claim that they're sisters, even when he says Naomi confirmed it. Sisters or not, Elizabeth actually feels bad about handing over the diamonds, especially after Hayden saved her life. Hayden chooses again to try to flee the country rather than face a federal sentence, but Finn convinces her to stay in town and fight the charges. It doesn't matter anyway, since the feds find her and arrest her again. While Diane gets Alexis ready to testify, Sonny manages to convince Julian to plead guilty so Alexis doesn't have to relive what he did to her. Scott again suggests that they attack Alexis' character, and Julian again refuses. Just before the trial starts, Scott receives something he thinks will help his defense. Tracy bugs Michael about whether he sees a future with Sabrina, not realizing that he's planning to propose when she's done with work. Tracy's pleased but Carly's upset, since she still doesn't think Sabrina really loves Michael. He tells her to back off and moves forward with his plans.

I hope no one was praying too hard for Tyler Christopher to come back, because...he's not. It's hard to be sad about it, since they ruined Nikolas.

Nooo, don't kill Sabrina! Kill someone annoying, like Valerie or Claudette!

There's always the possibility that the diamonds are fake, right? I still think there's something up with the rock Spencer gave Emma back in June.

Julian: "You do not attack my wife!" Me: "Only I attack my wife!"

Why does Carly think love = sacrifice? What sacrifices has she made for...well, anyone?

September 15th, 2016

Michael tells Felix he's going to propose to Sabrina, but before he can, Felix finds her body. Despite medical attention, she's dead, which means Teddy's an orphan before he's even eight months old, and Michael's lost his second girlfriend in five years to death. Scott's envelope contains a copy of the warrant for the wiretap, which has a typo in Alexis' address, meaning Julian's confession is inadmissible. The judge allows the trial to continue, since Paul says he still has enough evidence. Also, judging from the focus on the cup of coffee he gave Alexis, he's probably given her something to ensure she can't give a sound testimony. Lulu's still focused on getting her embryo, even if it means she has a child who's half Stavros'. Kevin warns her to keep that in mind, because raising the child of an evil man might not be as great as she thinks it'll be. Jason and Tracy sit with Monica and say nice things to her until she finally wakes up. So at least it wasn't all murder and half-evil babies and killers getting away with their crimes today.

Tyler Christopher's gone, Teresa Castillo's out, and Bryan Craig is leaving. It's a bloodbath around here.

I need someone to give Felix a hug immediately.

No Molly, Kristina, or Griffin at the trial?

"Rocco could get a little brother or sister. I want to give him that gift." Okay, but he'd probably be equally happy with a dog. Just get him a dog.

Lulu's current situation sort of parallels a few years ago when Dante thought Rocco was his child with Britt. Lulu was happy for Dante, even if his child wasn't hers, and was going to help take care of him. The difference here is that I don't know if I believe Dante when he says he'll be able to handle raising Stavros' child.

September 16th, 2016

Alexis' testimony quickly spirals as whatever Paul gave her makes her lose her train of thought and struggle to keep up with Scott's questions. She admits to Sam and Jordan that she had a glass of wine before the trial, making Jordan wonder if she's trying to tank the case. Julian inadvertently helps himself out by trying to keep Scott from nagging his wife, then catching her when she collapses coming off the stand. Start the clock on the countdown to Chad Duell earning an Emmy. And in case you're not sad enough, here's Felix to make you sadder. Monica's okay and happy to be getting another grandchild. She's also somewhat helpful to the police, mentioning that she remembers smelling her attacker's cologne or aftershave at the mansion. Unfortunately, she, Tracy, Jordan, and Dante all agree that the hospital needs to close while the killer is at large. Carly, Nelle, and Nina hang out in some filler scenes while Carly tries to get Michael to call her back.

"He said he was guilty of the crime of loving me too much." Julian should go to prison for that alone.

They really, really need to give Marc Anthony Samuel more to do.

Cheer up, Monica. Yes, Michael's upset and the hospital's temporarily closing, but you're getting another grandchild and you'll probably help bring down a serial killer!

They wouldn't have to close the hospital if the police actually did their job. Seriously, how can they have nothing to go on?

Scorecard:
Arrested (again): Hayden Barnes
Dead: Sabrina Santiago
Hospitalized: Monica Quartermaine

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Finn to Tracy: "What are his intentions? Aren't you supposed to be clutching a set of pearls when you say something like that?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Franco pulling the phone apart to keep Elizabeth from using it
Saddest moment: I don't even know where to begin
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jason talking to Monica
Least believable moment: Morgan didn't know that you can buy papers online; Molly and Kristina didn't go to Julian's trial
Best instances of continuity: It's Monica's house (Alan gave it to her); Alexis killed Kiefer and Luis Alcazar
Worst instance of continuity: Michael said Carly's been against his relationship with Sabrina from the beginning, but that's not true
Heroes of the week: Hayden, Sabrina
Most annoying character: N/A
Smartest character: Monica's nose
Dumbest character: N/A

The week in a nutshell:

• Sabrina returned to work at GH, which was really, really bad timing. Paul got his second chance at injecting Monica, succeeding this time, then strangled Sabrina when she figured out he was the killer. Speaking of bad timing, Michael was planning to propose. Monica's okay, but at this point it's kind of hard to be happy. Also, they're closing the hospital until the killer is caught.
• Scott got Julian's confession dismissed on a technicality, so Paul's whole case depended on Alexis' testimony. The glass of wine she had before the trial plus a probably spiked drink from Paul made Alexis look like an incompetent witness, so Ava's plan is most likely going to work out.
• Franco promised Hayden her diamonds if she donated blood to Elizabeth. Hayden held up her end of the bargain, but when Elizabeth woke up and found out that Hayden had been released from lockup, she had Sabrina give the diamonds to the police. Then Hayden had a whole new set of problems when Franco announced that she and Elizabeth are sisters. Then she had an even bigger set of problems when the feds rearrested her.
• In case we didn't hear her the first time, Lulu reiterated that she wants her remaining embryo.
• Kiki had a bad reaction to Morgan's news that he's back in school. Darby was slightly more supportive, mostly by encouraging him to cheat.
• Nina gave Nelle a dress. I don't know what the point of that was.

September 19th, 2016

Michael takes out his grief on Carly, so Nelle reaches out to him and acts as go-between for them. The trial goes from bad to worse when Scott reminds the jury that the next witness, Sonny, is a convicted murderer, and that Julian was the only person injured the night he tried to kill Alexis. Sabrina is called to the stand, but of course she can't testify, and Scott successfully argues that her deposition shouldn't be offered up because he can't cross-examine her. Alexis guesses that Julian's going to walk, which is probably right. Spinelli tells Maxie that his investigation into Claudette's activities after her divorce from Nathan have turned up exactly nothing. They think that means she or someone else erased her from the Internet. Griffin promises to help Claudette with anything she might need help with, but he'd like her to leave Maxie and Nathan alone. She agrees to tell him what she needs if he'll admit that he has a god complex. The whole thing is annoying, and Griffin is right to just walk away. Nathan notices a baby-name book on Nina's desk and worries that she's going to go through illegal channels to get herself a child.

Hey, someone finally brought up the fact that Sabrina isn't the first girlfriend Michael's had who's died.

Paul killing Sabrina and then trying to call her as a witness is a whole new level of crazy.

There are two other possibilities for Claudette's lack of Internet presence, besides having it erased: She used an alias for years, or she spent that time cryogenically frozen on Cassadine Island. Okay, maybe there's just one other possibility.

Claudette, I will pay you $50 – American or Canadian; your choice – to leave town and never come. Take Nelle with you, please.

September 20th, 2016

Olivia blasts Alexis for going to court drunk, as if she doesn't already feel horrible enough about it. Things get even worse when, in the least surprising twist of the year, Julian is acquitted of all charges against him. Alexis melts down, then consoles herself with martinis while she gives the exact testimony she wanted to give on the stand. Sonny and Carly wonder if Julian had Sabrina killed (and Ava wonders the same thing, while Julian thinks she might have been involved). Carly asks Sonny not to kill anyone else, even if Julian goes free. Claudette tells Nathan that she was previously involved with a "bad guy" who's now in prison. She went into hiding but now he's found her, and she thinks Nathan's the only person who can help her. Nathan's completely fed up with her and tells her that if she needs protection, she should go to the police (pretend he's not a police officer when he says that). Claudette informs him that she's not the only one who needs help – her daughter does, too. Dillon asks Paul to reassure Tracy that the hospital killer will be found and GH will reopen. Paul feels bad about stuff, I guess, and seems to think he can justify his crimes because they were committed in an attempt to protect his family. Shut up, Paul. Griffin is going to go forgive the crap out of Julian and try to take comfort in the fact that one day he'll be in Hell.

Whatever Sam, Kristina, and Molly were doing instead of going to court, I hope it was super-important.

Why didn't the police file kidnapping charges against Julian? I mean, he would have been found not guilty of that, too, but it should have been in there.

Once again, I'm grateful that my brothers and I have never had to ask each other if we've killed someone.

OF COURSE Claudette has a kid. Did anyone not suspect that? The only surprise would be if the father isn't Nathan or Griffin. And the only good that could come out of this ridiculous plot is if her daughter is the mythical Athena who's supposed to come on the show, and Lulu's embryo is still an embryo.

Nathan: "Call the authorities." Me: "I'm on your side, but...you're an authority, sweetie."

September 21st, 2016

Morgan wants to send Sonny after the hospital killer, as if they have enough to go on to figure out who he is. Dante notices his behavior and tells him to get himself together for their brother's sake. When Joe shows up, wanting to take custody of Teddy, Morgan gets violent with him. Tracy announces that she'll fight Joe for custody, and though Michael knows he has a good chance of winning, he's willing to give Teddy up so he can be with his family. Franco asks Epiphany not to tell Elizabeth about Sabrina's death until she's a little better. Epiphany reluctantly goes along with this, but it doesn't matter since Elizabeth overhears her and Griffin talking and learns about the murder. Hayden confronts Naomi, realizing that she kept Hayden's paternity a secret for her own reasons – after all, telling Raymond she cheated would get her kicked out of the lifestyle she prefers. (Apparently Raymond knows the truth now.) Naomi tries to make amends by telling the feds that she kept the diamonds and hid them in a completely innocent Hayden's things. Hayden's released from lockup and Naomi takes her place. Claudette tells Nathan that the bad guy she got involved with roped her into some illegal activities, and when she tried to get out, he threatened her daughter, Charlotte. Nathan figures out that Charlotte's his daughter, too, so he's even angrier with Claudette now. Finn finds a letter Reiko wrote him just before her death, and beats himself up for failing her. GH sends its patients to other hospitals and shuts its doors, hopefully just temporarily.

I guess that's it for Joe? How many shifts did he work at the hospital, two?

Franco not telling Elizabeth about Sabrina's death has shades of Sam not telling Jason about Robin's "death." (Sorry to compare Sam to Franco.)

The fact that Nathan wants to tell Maxie about Charlotte (and seems like he's going to) is a good sign. I can't do another story where someone has a child and doesn't tell his or her significant other.

Call me crazy, but I think a show called General Hospital will, sooner or later, reopen General Hospital.

September 22nd, 2016

Sonny gives Morgan a little refresher course on self-control and how actions have consequences, so he needs to keep his hands to himself. Morgan points out that Sonny will probably have trouble with that the next time he runs into Julian. Though Sonny says he'll take care of that himself, Morgan gets into a fight with Julian (though Julian was baiting him, so it's hard to fault him). Later, Sonny and Carly run into Julian, and by the end of the episode, everyone's threatened everyone else's lives. Kiki should be the most concerned, since Morgan might actually follow through. Paul makes it clear that he's not doing any more favors for Ava, and I think he might have also threatened to kill her if she reveals his secret. Julian figures out that Ava helped get him freed through blackmail, though she won't tell him exactly what she did. She's more interested in taking down Sonny, preferably by distracting him, and how convenient that she's already put in motion a distraction in the form of Morgan's downward spiral? Maxie's immediate reaction to the news about Charlotte is to question her paternity. Meanwhile, Claudette takes her next step, telling Obrecht that she's a grandmother so Obrecht will try to convince Nathan it's true. Maxie demands a DNA test, but since Claudette's providing the hair she claims is Charlotte's, who knows how that will turn out? Paul tries to sneak up to Monica's room and finish her off, but Tracy's having her closely guarded and won't take any chances, even with people she knows. She begs him again to find the hospital killer, but he flips out and says he can't stop what's happening. Sonny and Carly make a donation to the clinic (I guess that's still going on) in Sabrina's memory, but Michael thinks Carly's just using the opportunity to make herself look good. Griffin advises him to stop pushing his mother away since he's already lost one loved one.

I don't want to sound like I'm urging Sonny to commit murder, but...wouldn't it be smart if he killed Julian with Derisifol and made it look like the hospital killer got him?

Thank you, Maxie, for continuing to not believe a word Claudette says. I would advise you not to believe the results of the DNA test either. We all know how easily those things can be manipulated.

Paul doesn't wear gloves when he murders people, and the police STILL aren't on to him. Great job, guys.

LOL at Michael apologizing to Tracy for trash-talking Carly, like Tracy hasn't said worse about Carly.

September 23rd, 2016

Sabrina's funeral is super-sad, but at least Carly makes strides with Michael by saying nice things about the woman she was trashing just 48 hours ago. Tracy notices that Paul's upset while looking at Sabrina's picture, and when she asks what's wrong, he blurts out, "I killed her." Jordan asks Andre to help out with the investigation again, admitting that she misses working with a partner. Curtis and Valerie join in, and Curtis wonders if the killer is someone in a position of authority who's able to move around the hospital without making anyone suspicious. Hayden urges Finn to stop pushing her away and open up to her instead. He tells her it's his and Reiko's anniversary, admitting that he feels responsible for her death because she was exposed to their illness after he asked her to stay on and keep up their research. Hayden is sweetly supportive and encouraging, and it's probably safe to say she'll soon be helping him move on in a different way. Elizabeth's going to honor Sabrina's memory by being a better person, but really, she had nowhere to go but up.

Will someone please give Felix a hug? Epiphany, can you get on that?

Not to speak ill of the dead, but I guess no one ever told Elizabeth that Sabrina once tried to kill a baby.

Why was Dante the only one of Michael's siblings at the funeral? Why hasn't Kristina been at any Corinthos or Davis events since Sam and Jason's wedding?

Speaking of Dante, sweetie, you don't have any leads. Curtis is doing your job for you.

Did Valerie ever even meet Sabrina? I mean, I get why she's sad, but they're making it out like Valerie's sad on a personal level.

Scorecard:
Arrested: Naomi Dreyfus

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Nina calling Spinelli "strangely adorable"; Olivia to Ava: "Could you not be a b&%#$ for, like, 30 seconds?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): N/A
Saddest moment: Everyone mourning Sabrina (of course)
Sweetest/cutest moment: Epiphany asking Griffin to pray with her
Least believable moment: Elizabeth almost died, like, 48 hours ago, but no one tried to talk her out of going home
Best instances of continuity: Gabriel; Sabrina helped take care of Avery
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Claudette
Smartest characters: Maxie, Curtis
Dumbest character: Reigning champ Paul
Unanswered question of the week: Who's the guy threatening Claudette?

The week in a nutshell:

• Paul fulfilled his part of the deal with Ava, and Julian was acquitted of all charges. Alexis was...not pleased. Sonny, Julian, and Morgan all took some time threatening each other's lives.
• Michael let Joe take Teddy, so that's probably it for the Rivera clan. Michael also spent the whole week mad at Carly for not approving of Sabrina, but she said nice things about Sabrina at her funeral, so they're probably okay now. Paul spent the week feeling guilty, apparently, then told Tracy he killed Sabrina.
• Spinelli told Maxie that there's no trace of Claudette from the time after her divorce from Nathan up until now. Nathan took that info to Claudette, who claimed that she went into hiding to protect herself from a bad ex. Oh, and she has a daughter named Charlotte who's supposedly Nathan's kid. Maxie called her bluff by requesting a DNA test.
• GH was closed until the hospital killer is found. Jordan, Andre, Curtis, and Valerie teamed up on the investigation and are actually making some progress.
• Naomi tried to make things right with Hayden by confessing to hiding the diamonds so Hayden could go free.
• Finn had a little meltdown about not being able to save Reiko. Hayden's totally going to make everything better for him.

September 26th, 2016

Tracy misinterprets Paul's accidental confession as guilt over not finding the killer before he could murder Sabrina. When she tells Dillon that Paul seems to be taking Sabrina's death personally, she decides it must be because Sabrina was the same age as Susan. She asks Dillon to reach out to his sister and possibly ask her to come visit Port Charles. A hungover Alexis dreams about Julian coming back to the house. She's unable to hide her drinking from Sam, though she claims everything's totally okay and will be even better when she lands a job as a legal consultant. She even promises to stop drinking while Sam's pregnant. That lasts for about ten minutes, since no one wants to hire a woman whose legal license has been suspended. Then Julian really does come to the house, so it's good that Alexis has some heavy bottles around to throw at him. Nelle can empathize with Michael because a friend of hers died in high school (or so she claims. Like, I'm not calling her a liar, but I'm not going to believe everything she says either). Morgan tells Kiki that he skipped Sabrina's funeral because he was worried about acting out again. Kiki also skipped the funeral, not wanting to upset Michael by reminding him of that whole mess with Avery (which Sabrina figured out). Dillon encourages her to offer Michael her support anyway, and Kiki ends up posting a thank-you message on the memorial page Nelle set up for Sabrina. Sonny wants to go after Julian and the hospital killer, and if Jason would like to lend a hand, that would be greeeeeeat. Jason won't, and he thinks Sonny should hold off on making any moves, but he knows it's only a matter of time before Julian ends up injured or dead. Julian wants Nina to put him on the cover of Crimson and do a profile on him so he can clear his name. She refuses but has to back down when he threatens to cut her funding.

Tracy, re: Paul: "He's in a very, very bad place." Me: "And someday he'll be in an even worse one."

"Michael blamed himself for allowing Sabrina to go back to work." "Allowing"? When did we go back in time to the '50s?

I should have known Sam, the observant PI, would be quick to notice Alexis' drinking.

Nelle doing something so nice for someone she barely knows isn't sweet, it's weird, and honestly, it's a little creepy.

"Are you going to leave it alone?" Jason asks the man who's been his closest friend for 20 years, and who I'm pretty sure has legally changed his middle name to Revenge. I thought Jason DIDN'T have amnesia anymore.

September 27th, 2016

Tracy tells Paul her theory that he's sad about Sabrina's death because she made him think of Susan. She encourages him to get in touch with her, then tries to do it herself. But Paul's already in touch with Susan, and has been for a while – he's been visiting her in a psych facility, where she's basically catatonic because of what Sloane did to her. He's been killing the people who hurt her, and is almost done. Tracy may have heard part of his confession. Julian's still singing his favorite song, "I Would Never Do Anything to Hurt My Wife (and Someday She'll Remember How Much She Loves Me)." Alexis responds with "I'm Getting a Restraining Order (Because I Hate You So, So Much)." Franco goes to Heather for money, but she's upset with him for spilling the truth about Hayden's paternity, which led to her being cut off from Naomi's payouts. Also, she thought he was the hospital killer, in case anyone cares. Hayden wants Elizabeth to give her money so she can pay her bills, because she'd rather have that than any kind of family relationship with her newfound sister. When Elizabeth points out that she doesn't have any money, Hayden suggests calling their father. Elizabeth refuses, wanting to talk to her parents before Hayden gets in touch with them. She tells Hayden to grow up and get a job, or marry rich and let another man take care of her, which is pretty laughable coming from her. Feeling pressure from Kiki, school, and himself, Morgan gives in and buys a paper online. Then he tries not to panic when he learns from Dillon that PCU professors use a program to detect exactly what he's done.

I have just...so many questions. How did Bobbie and Monica "hurt" Susan? Why did Mayes – a neurosurgeon – do Susan's rape kit? And didn't she live in Maine? Did Mayes live up there, too? What are the odds of two people who hurt Susan moving to the same town, which also happened to be where her father once lived?

Hey, Paul: Cool motive – still murder.

Well, Heather, your gravy train was going to go off the tracks no matter what Franco did, since the person paying you off is now going to prison.

If I had a dollar for every hypocritical thing Elizabeth said to Hayden today, I could pay Hayden's bills.

How much money does Hayden think nurses make?

September 28th, 2016

Anna's back and really wants to know what happened at Julian's trial. Jordan brings up Alexis' behavior but concedes that she's human, so it's understandable if she couldn't keep it together. However, she seems to think the warrant was accurate when it was obtained and somehow changed later. Anna decides to turn to Paul for answers and ends up at his room, looking for pen and paper to leave him a note. Instead, she finds articles on the hospital murders and a very familiar cufflink. Tracy definitely heard Paul's confession, and she tries to make a run for it, but Paul catches her in an elevator. She pretends she was just arriving as she desperately tries to act like she doesn't know her ex-husband is a serial killer. Paul invites her to dinner and takes her to his Airbnb or whatever, saying he needs to find his wallet. Tracy's anxious to go somewhere public, but it doesn't look like Paul is going to let that happen. After learning that Nathan's getting his paternity-test results back in a matter of hours, Claudette rushes to Griffin to warn him that there's a possibility he's a father. Maxie assures Nathan that she won't try to keep him from Charlotte if he's her father (even though that'll mean having contact with Claudette), and it's okay if that's the outcome he wants. Curtis and Andre run into each other at the gym and are briefly able to be civil toward each other. Then Curtis starts bugging Andre for updates on the hospital-killer case. Andre won't discuss it with him, which leads to tension that almost culminates in a round of sparring. Jordan breaks things up, and Andre tells her he really, really doesn't like Curtis.

Anna's been back in town less than a day and she's made more progress than four cops, a profiler, and a PI have in months. Thank you, Agent Devane.

That said...it's not that I WANT Anna to feel bad, but she SHOULD feel bad when she realizes Paul really is the killer. After all, she knew he killed Sloane and she didn't turn him in. If she had, he wouldn't have been able to kill anyone else.

Anna, re: Paul: "He must have taken a mental-health day." Me: "It won't help."

Celestial Heights is a horrible name for...anything.

I didn't realize paternity was something you could feel. Shut it, Claudette.

September 29th, 2016

Tracy tells Paul she won't turn him in since she doesn't want Dillon to know his father's a serial killer. Paul explains why he targeted the people he killed: One supplied Susan with drugs, one kicked her out of a halfway house, and one witnessed her rape but didn't do anything. After Mayes screwed up her rape kit, Monica was unable to help the police bring a case against Sloane. Tracy tries to convince Paul that he's more than made up for what happened to Susan, so he doesn't have to kill Monica. Paul disagrees, and first he's going to kill Tracy. Anna and Jordan go through the evidence Anna found in Paul's room and start to connect the dots between him, Susan, and the murder victims. The paternity test says Nathan is Charlotte's father, so he demands to see his daughter right away. Claudette says vague things about how her current location is "complicated." She does, however, elaborate on her fears about her evil ex, and it turns out she's right to be scared: He's Valentin. Kevin flies to Switzerland so he can fly back to Port Charles with Laura as a captive audience. He gives her the only copy of his book, which she admits isn't as horrible as she'd anticipated. Still, she's not quite ready to forgive him. Sam and Jason think the best way to help Alexis is to get Julian out of town, so she agrees to try to convince him to go while Jason talks Sonny out of doing anything violent. Maxie and Griffin can't figure out why Claudette chose now to tell Nathan about Charlotte.

Hi, Paul, you still haven't explained why Bobbie was a target.

Jordan! Murder is murder, whether it was committed in the heat of the moment or not! Paul doesn't get a pass for killing Sloane! Freaking A.

If, as a number of people (including me) believe, Valentin is Nathan's father, Claudette gets to join the Slept With Father and Son Club.

I like Laura and all but no way is she the "most fascinating" woman Kevin's ever known. I mean...Lucy.

Kevin...no. This kind of behavior isn't cute. You're bordering on stalking.

September 30th, 2016

Anna learns from Dillon that Tracy was trying to find Susan, so she calls Tracy, who's managed to prolong her life by attempting to reason with Paul. Paul orders Tracy to ignore the call, but she answers and screams. Thanks to a concerned neighbor who also hears the screams, Tracy's still alive when Anna and Dillon arrive. Morgan enlists Spinelli to pull his paper before it can be flagged as plagiarized, but it's too late, and Morgan's in for a lot of trouble. Jason tells Sonny about his and Sam's plan to get rid of Julian, but Sonny's already contracted a hitman to solve his problems. He doesn't care that Carly wants him to avoid violence, and he's sure that his actions won't put his family in danger. Sam first advises Julian to go into hiding, then warns him that if he doesn't, Sonny will kill him. Julian asks for more details but doesn't take her warning seriously. He also thinks she's alerting him because she cares about what happens to him, so he's definitely lost the plot here. Later, Carly asks Sonny directly not to make a move against Julian, but Sonny only says that if anything happens, it won't be by his hand. Ava goes to Casa Corinthos with the excuse of giving Avery a present, but it's really to swap out more of Morgan's medication and bug Carly about his stability. She then bugs Kiki about the same thing, making Kiki wonder why she's so sure something bad will happen.

Today Jane Elliot showed why they need to give her more to do.

Anna solved an entire months-long murder mystery in three episodes. Fantastic.

I actually wish people would stop interrupting Julian when he says he wants to explain why he did what he did. I'd love to hear his reasoning.

That Morgan/Carly stuff was weird. Why do I feel like something horrible is going to happen to him, and that'll be the last time they talk?

Scorecard:
Back in town: Anna Devane, Laura Spencer

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Jason: "Hey, preggers: Shh"
Funniest moment (unintentional): The way Claudette said goodbye to Nathan and Maxie and scampered off like a scared bunny to talk to Griffin
Saddest moment: Michael, still
Sweetest/cutest moment: Kiki writing, "Thank you for taking care of my sister" on Sabrina's page
Least believable moment: "I put a hit out on my biggest enemy, and he could be killed at any time, but I'm just going to hang out by myself and not worry about having an alibi"
Best instances of continuity: That whole thing where Morgan and Kiki drugged Michael to get Avery; Jason briefly worked for Julian
Worst instance of continuity: N/A
Hero of the week: Anna
Most annoying character: Claudette
Smartest character: Tracy, for trying to reason with Paul, but...
Dumbest characters: Tracy, for calling a crazy person crazy; Paul, for keeping those freaking cufflinks
Previously unanswered question now answered: Valentin is Claudette's mystery evil guy

The week in a nutshell:

• Tracy dismissed Paul's admission to killing Sabrina as guilt over not stopping the killer. But then she overheard him confessing to a catatonic Susan that he killed people to avenge what Sloane did to her, and she realized he really was the hospital killer. Unfortunately, Paul knew she knew and threatened to make her and Monica his last victims. Fortunately, Anna and Jordan were on his trail, and Anna and Dillon were able to reach Paul and Tracy just as the former was about to kill the latter.
• Morgan bought a paper online, then minutes later learned that he'd probably get busted for it. He asked Spinelli to help him undo his actions, but it was too late. Ava also replaced more of his medication.
• Nathan is allegedly Charlotte's father, and Claudette's evil ex is allegedly Valentin.
• Sam and Jason focused on dealing with Julian, her by telling him to leave town and him by telling Sonny to leave him alone. Neither really accomplished anything, and Sonny currently has a hit out on Julian.
• Hayden wanted money from Elizabeth, who has none. Franco wanted money from Heather, who won't give him any because he indirectly ended her blackmail deal with Naomi.
• Alexis told Sam she would stop drinking while Sam's pregnant, but her inability to find a job and the fact that Julian won't leave her alone almost immediately ended that plan.
• Nelle and Kevin were nice to Michael and Laura, respectively, but in kind of sketchy ways.
• Julian weaseled his way back into Crimson.
• Andre doesn't like Curtis and we're supposed to care.