September 5th, 2017

Curtis' message to Finn that he found Hayden wasn't completely accurate – he followed a trail she laid for him, but she was already gone by the time he got to his destination. He returns with Hayden's passport, indicating that she's gotten another one under a new identity, and a note for Finn. In the note, Hayden apologizes for lying and keeping secrets, basically dumps Finn, and tells him she lost the baby, which is a lie. Valentin resurfaces with the necklace, claiming he found it in a makeup person's luggage. Nina pokes holes in his story, and he admits that he went somewhere to retrieve it from someone he used to do nefarious things with. He doesn't want to elaborate, since he wants to put the past behind him, blah blah blah, she's over it. Kiki encourages Ava to pursue what she wants, since Kiki's doing that with her life. Ava takes a step in that direction when she offers friendship to Griffin, but he's upset that Marisol is dying and takes it out on her. She follows him to the boxing gym, and let's hope he remains the only person in the scene who isn't wearing a shirt. Nelle is pretty blasé about spending the night in jail and being accused of theft, and Dillon notices. Anna and Andre tie Valentin to a fence named Cassandra who now lives in Monaco. Though there's no proof that the diamond wound up at Wyndemere because of Valentin, Anna plans to take a trip to Monaco and do some more digging. Kiki continues to impress David, like, okay, we get it already.

I was going to say that I'm glad Rebecca Budig got some closure-y scenes, even though she didn't get to interact with anyone, but after they had Hayden lie to Finn about the baby...freaking A. If they wanted to ease the pain of Hayden's departure, it worked.

Nina, you've been back with Valentin for less than 24 hours and he's already keeping secrets. You've learned nothing. Neither of you has.

Part of me thinks Valentin did just go get the necklace back, probably from this Cassandra person, but part of me also thinks he pawned it and brought back a fake.

It's too late but Dillon and Nelle have more chemistry than Michael and Nelle.

September 6th, 2017

Ava gets Griffin to open up to her about his feelings about Marisol's death, then, of course, makes things about her. She wishes she could look in the mirror without being reminded of her past sins, and that she could get her face back and look beautiful again. Griffin tells her she's beautiful, so she kisses him. He makes it clear that he only cares about her as a friend, which makes Ava scream at him that he's closed off and won't let him feel passionate about anyone. Jason's still in a coma, Sam has to spend their anniversary alone, and Danny's confused about why his parents are MIA again, but other than that, things are going great for the Morgans! Parker tells Kristina she's single, and was just hanging out with a friend at the Floating Rib the other night. Instead of coming clean about also being single, Kristina continues her ploy that she and Valerie are dating. After Parker leaves, Valerie tells Kristina that she's definitely jealous. Dante wonders if Sonny's going to retaliate over Jason's shooting. He confides in Lulu that he wishes he and Sonny had the kind of relationship that Sonny has with Jason. They discuss Sonny's retirement, which Lulu thinks will happen if he really wants it to. Then he and Dante will have the chance to strengthen their relationship. Carly tells Michael about her feelings of guilt over Jason's shooting since she was the one who pushed Sonny to leave the mob. Michael's his typical Michael self, urging her to do something to help the Morgans instead of dwelling on something that wasn't her fault. Apparently Lulu and Valerie never worked out their issues, but now they have.

Anyone else roll their eyes all through Griffin and Ava's scenes, or just me?

Ava is totally the sort of person who would get mad at someone for allegedly making her fall for him. Hon, I know it's a cliché but it's entirely possible that he's just not that into you. (But since this show doesn't care about making sense, he probably is.)

Thanks, show, for a) having Jason in a coma on his and Sam's anniversary, and b) making Kelly Monaco do her scenes with some faceless extra instead of Billy Miller. Thanks a whoooooooole bunch.

I like to think Scout was crying because she, like me, was dreading another Parker/Kristina scene.

September 7th, 2017

Sonny decides that he needs to stay in the mob, even if it means he and Carly have to split up. She assures him that she's not going anywhere, reasoning that he needs to become as powerful as possible so he can't be touched. Sonny's worried about making her a target, but Carly knows what she's facing and is resigned to staying in the life. She just wants him to be open with her so she knows when threats are nearing. Ava complains some more about how Griffin won't admit he's human, and how he won't do with her what he did with Claudette because she's disfigured, and how Griffin's sympathy for her was all fake. Griffin denies this, even implying that he has feelings for her but won't act on them because of his vows. Ava doesn't think he should have gone into the priesthood anyway. After she whines for most of the episode, she calls Valentin to talk about the deal he offered her. Jake finds a childhood picture of Jason that looks like Franco's "imaginary friend." Finn has checked himself into rehab for a few days to make sure he doesn't relapse because of the Hayden/baby stuff. Curtis is looking after Roxie, but he loses track of her. After Jordan helps him find her, he tells her they're a good team and should stop denying their feelings for each other. Jordan worries a little about how Stella will react, but Curtis is too busy taking off his clothes to listen. Bobbie thinks this is an appropriate time to bug Carly about Michael and Nelle's relationship. She points out that Nelle took advantage of the family the last time they went through a crisis, so she could take this opportunity to do something evil to Michael. Elizabeth feels bad for keeping Sam and Jason apart, since their time together could be cut short again. Franco tries to convince her to stop dwelling on the past, since she can't change it.

Ugh, Ava's acting like an MRA who thinks he was just friendzoned. Cut her loose, Griffin.

That thing with the picture of Jason was like a car crash. I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Bobbie. Priorities. Please.

Did Elizabeth just express sympathy for Sam? It's Bizarro Port Charles!

September 8th, 2017

Ava tries to offer Valentin some art in exchange for contact with his plastic surgeon, instead of agreeing not to testify against him. Valentin turns her down, surprising absolutely no one. Franco shows Scott the picture of him and Jason (or, possibly, just someone who looks like him) and gets overdramatic about how important it might be to his life. Scott thinks his best bet for answers is Heather. Curtis wonders how to tell Stella that he and Jordan are back together, but by showing up together when she's at Kelly's, the problem takes care of itself. Stella's going to play nice, and though she told T.J. she was going back to Baltimore, now she's going to stick around. Maxie asks Nina for her job back, but Nina isn't sure she can trust her. Maxie points out that Nina's forgiven worse people for worse offenses. Nina relents, but she'd like Maxie to bring something to the table that Crimson can't get from anyone else. Nathan officially agrees to appear at the book launch, and Amy still thinks everything will turn out great. Lulu thinks Valentin only got back together with Nina to make himself look better in court. He tells her again that he's willing to share custody of Charlotte.

Ava, Valentin has done a lot of stupid things, but he's not actually that stupid. You are, though, if you can't figure out why he wants what he wants from you.

"Is that really, like, the worst betrayal you've ever suffered?" Maxie Jones, keeping things in perspective!

So I assume Nina wants Maxie to convince Nathan to come forward as Man Landers in Crimson? I don't know what else she's angling for.

Okay, Curtis, let's not jump the "love" gun too quickly.

I'm so done with all this Stella/Jordan stuff. Please end it, show.

Scorecard:
Back together: Curtis Ashford and Jordan Ashford

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Scott's Bluth-like "why are you squeezing me with your body" reaction to being hugged by Franco
Funniest moment (unintentional): N/A
Saddest moments: Finn believing that Hayden lost the baby; Sam's angst, part 2
Sweetest/cutest moment: Kristina and Molly being good sisters and looking after Sam and Jason's kids
Least believable moment: N/A
Best instance of continuity: Carly pulled a Boston Tea Party with guns the night Kiki was shot
Worst instance of continuity: Lulu seemed shocked that Valentin wants to share custody, but he brought it up a couple weeks ago
Hero of the week: I guess Jordan, for finding Roxie
Most annoying character: Ava
Smartest character: Maxie
Dumbest character: Ava

The week in a nutshell:

• Ava made a move on Griffin, who turned her down, either because he's not interested or because of his vows. Ava threw a two-episode-long tantrum, then tried to arrange a new deal with Valentin to get access to his plastic surgeon. He wouldn't budge on her promising not to testify against him, so they're at an impasse.
• Sonny called off his retirement, and Carly promised to stay with him.
• Jake tied a childhood picture of Jason to the picture of Franco's "imaginary friend." Now Franco's Jason obsession is back, and Scott noted that he'll probably have to go to Heather for answers.
• Hayden broke up with Finn in a letter and told him she'd miscarried (a lie).
• Valentin may or may not have tracked down the missing necklace with some thief he used to work with. Anna thinks the next step to learning the origins of the diamond is visiting Valentin's old fence, Cassandra.
• Sam celebrated her anniversary with a comatose husband.
• Parker thinks that her and Kristina's ploy to make Parker jealous is working.
• Jordan and Curtis got back together, accidentally changing Stella's mind about leaving town.
• Dante regrets that he and Sonny don't have a better relationship.
• Nina agreed to rehire Maxie if she can bring something to the magazine that no one else can.
• Amy's a little too confident about keeping Man Landers' identity secret.

September 11th, 2017

Ava's vanity wins out over her conscience, and she signs Valentin's deal. Lulu catches them chatting, so Ava says she sold Valentin a tapestry and is trying to get back her life after her injury. She tells Kiki she's going to a spa in Florida, and Kiki sure has a lot of reservations about that, as well as confusion over why Ava hasn't mentioned the trip to Griffin. Over Kiki's objections, Franco goes to see Heather, but she won't accept his visit. Sam's starting to unravel, and it's uglier than Ava's scarring. She accuses Carly of trying to take Jason from her, simply because she supports Griffin's suggestion that Sam put Jason in a long-term-care facility. It's Rocco's birthday, but all his parents can talk about is Valentin. The man himself shows up with a birthday present, and everyone except the kids glares at him until he leaves. Sonny objects to Carly and Josslyn moving back in, though he says it has nothing to do with safety. Later, he asks Griffin why God is punishing Jason, not him. Griffin hints that he's thinking about leaving the priesthood.

"The son who's not in prison." Poor Steven.

Someone please call the Davis women to come take care of Sam.

Once again, Leo isn't invited to a family event, and no one even mentions it.

I doubt "Dunshire, Warrior of the Cones" is that violent. Also, isn't it a multi-player game?

Charlotte reads a room even worse than Franco and Kiki, but at least she has the excuse of only being seven.

September 12th, 2017

Sam continues ranting that Carly doesn't like her and only accepted her because she put up with Jason's job. Carly shuts her down by pointing out that if she didn't like her, she wouldn't have covered up what Sam did to Sonny. Alexis overhears, so Sam fills her in on the shooting. She goes back to thinking she should confess to the police, but Alexis knows that would cause more problems now that she's kept quiet for so long. Carly assures Sonny that she really does love Sam and doesn't just tolerate her because of Jason. She doesn't think that Sam would be able to pull the plug on Jason if it comes down to that, even knowing that he would prefer that to lingering in a coma. Sonny assigns himself the role of executioner if need be (I guess Monica doesn't get any say here). Ava quickly starts regretting her decision to give up justice for Nikolas so she can get her face fixed. She meets Larisa, a patient liaison at the clinic she's going to, who convinces her that Dr. Boronsky will change her life. Back in Port Charles, Kiki talks to Griffin about Ava's sudden departure, and when the two learn that she went to Russia, Griffin figures out that she made arrangements with Valentin. He thinks what happened between them spurred her on to put herself in a possibly dangerous situation. Michael and Nelle discuss the mob and how Sonny was naive to think he could leave. He tells her about his own shooting and coma, but confides that he would join the organization if Sonny invited him. Carly runs into Michael and Nelle and decides this is the perfect time to tell Michael about Zachary. Franco talks to Obrecht about the picture, and she, amazingly enough, is rational and realistic about what it means. She also gets him to realize that Betsy, not Heather, is the person who will most likely have answers.

Typical Carly: Two steps forward by genuinely caring about Sam; two steps back by throwing out the story about Zachary.

The way Larisa talks about Boronsky (who I'm guessing is going to be Steve Burton's character), she makes him sound like a cult leader, which is, as of right now, the only way I could get interested in this storyline.

Michael would mob up if Sonny asked? Really? He knows people get killed in the mob, right?

Why are Kiki and Griffin so concerned about where Ava's going? Get lives, people!

Today, Sam annoyed me and Obrecht said reasonable things. I don't like this.

September 13th, 2017

Michael's upset that Nelle kept more secrets from him, but when she tells him the whole story about Zack's death, he promises he believes that she didn't kill him. Bobbie tries to interfere again, and they both shut her down. They also say "I love you" to each other. Milo catches Oscar trying to enter Carly's house and calls her and Sonny to say there's been an attempted break-in. Oscar explains that Josslyn invited him over, and he let himself in because she said she might be wearing headphones and wouldn't hear him at the door. Milo's a little overly cautious, but Sonny and Carly get past the infraction, though Sonny cautions Oscar to think things through a little more in the future. Carly wonders if Oscar's mother knows who he's been spending time with. Oscar assures Josslyn that he still wants to hang out with her, despite her family drama, and there's some kissing. Sonny feels bad that Josslyn has to have a bodyguard right now, but she's more concerned with Jason's health and Sonny's safety. Anna tries to recruit Finn to help her get access to Cassandra. She's a hermit, but she's also a hypochondriac, so she might accept a visit from a doctor. Finn says no, but apparently this is really important to the WSB, and Anna promises Robert that she'll get him to change his mind. Bobbie tries to offer Monica some comfort.

Murderer or not, I find it really sketchy that Nelle didn't tell Michael her fiancé died when his girlfriend had just died when they started to get to know each other.

If you ask your boyfriend if he thinks you killed someone, and he changes the subject, there might be a problem.

Every time someone mentions Oscar's mother, I wonder if she's going to turn out to be someone important.

Josslyn comparing herself to a president's daughter under Secret Service protection was pretty great.

September 14th, 2017

Ava again questions her decision when she has to give up her phone while she's at the clinic, like keeping up with her Twitter feed is more important than getting her face back. She encounters another patient, a sedated man who wears a mask and doesn't respond to anything she says until she mentions her hometown. Larisa warns Ava to keep her distance – the patient, known only as Patient 6, had a psychotic break after being shot and falling into water, and is now dangerous. Griffin asks Anna to use WSB resources to get him information on Boronsky and his clinic. Anna first wants to know his intentions, worrying that if she helps him out, she'll send him running toward someone he shouldn't be with. Valentin tells Nina that he's neutralized Ava by giving her the opportunity to regain her beauty. Nina tries to get past the fact that her husband is helping out a woman she hates. Valentin shows her a Cassadine family tree he had made, but he cuts himself on broken glass and bleeds right on Nikolas' name. Spinelli rushes to town to see Jason, but since no one in that storyline is on today, he ends up talking to Amy instead. They start talking about Man Landers, and he almost spills that "he" is about to be brought down. Later, he sees Nathan and Amy hugging, so I guess we're back to that ridiculousness. Maxie tells Nathan that she has to give Nina a big scoop in order to get her job back. Nathan talks her out of breaking the Man Landers story, since it could backfire and harm Amy and Chet. Plus, part of the story's going to come out anyway, since he has to out himself at the book launch. Dillon sends Kiki a gift basket at work, but he's dumb enough to pick one that contains alcohol, which displeases David.

I will give the writers credit for putting all this recent emphasis on Jason, then presenting the possibility that Patient 6 is Nikolas. Imagine a plot where Nikolas goes back to town with Jason's face, just to mess with people, and only Ava knows who he really is. P.S. Patient 6 is a dumb name.

On the other hand, dear writers: We know Ava's full name. People don't have to use it every time.

Amy's contract should be void since her editor didn't put an apostrophe in the book's subtitle, "A Guys Guide to Romance."

Wow. Dillon. You are not bright.

September 15th, 2017

Sam has a recurring dream in which she sees Jason on pier 54, but he ignores her, then disappears before she can reach him. She laments to Spinelli that she feels like she's losing him, which makes her even more adamant that he not go to a long-term-care facility, even though it's looking more and more likely that he'll never wake up. Alexis tries to help Monica change her mind, but Sam would rather take him home and have him cared for with his family around him. Let's hope the fact that he's moving his hand means he's waking up and the conversation will amount to nothing. Betsy comes to Franco's art show and meets Elizabeth and Scott. Franco mentions his imaginary friend and tries to get Betsy to talk about his childhood, but Betsy clams up. Eventually he shows her the picture and asks what she's hiding. Finn turns down Anna's request again, so after she overhears him thanking Sonny for helping him out in the past (with transportation when he needed his drugs), she has Robert look into what they're talking about. It appears that she's going to use that information to blackmail Finn into working with her. Maxie briefly (and hilariously) considers getting back into Crimson by telling her own story of her fling with Franco. Sonny thanks Curtis for his work on the Morgan investigation and promises to repay the favor in any way Curtis might need. Curtis offers his own services in case there's anything Sonny needs done to keep the Morgans safe. Jordan sees them shaking on their agreement to look out for each other. Nina and Valentin drop in on the show, and Nina is moved when she sees the painting of the two boys. She tells Valentin that seeing Franco's work reminded her of his lies, and she needs to know that she's with someone who won't deceive her (uh, anymore, I guess).

I know she's going through a crisis, but Sam's behavior is really bugging me. I'm looking forward to this storyline being over.

Makeup people, you have to start using waterproof mascara. Kelly Monaco looks like she was beaten up.

Where's Carly to tell Sam how horrible an idea home care would be?

I like Finola Hughes and Michael Easton's scenes together. They remind me of Anna and McBain's friendship.

I'm sad that that's all we'll get of Maxie revisiting her past with Franco, because that was pretty funny.

"[Franco] does like to wallow in the darkness, doesn't he?" Okay, Dracula.

Way to shoehorn Amy into the episode, guys.

Scorecard:
Back in town: Damian Spinelli

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Sam: "Jason and Sonny thought it was best that we just not involve the police." Alexis: "Shocking"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Franco having to introduce his parents to each other
Saddest moment: Continued Jason-related sadness
Sweetest/cutest moment: Josslyn telling Sonny to be careful
Least believable moment: Nina didn't send some underling to Franco's show
Best instances of continuity: Monica once accused Bobbie of sleeping with Alan; Betsy took in Aiden after Franco kidnapped him right after he was born
Worst instance of continuity: Franco tried to argue that he and Jason are practically blood relations because he's dating Jason's son's mother, but...they ARE blood relations. Their mothers were cousins
Hero of the week: N/A
Most annoying character: Sam, unfortunately. I can't stand how she's being written right now
Smartest character: It pains me, but: Obrecht
Dumbest character: Dillon

The week in a nutshell:

• Sam started unraveling over Jason's condition, taking her frustrations out on Carly. Monica and Alexis pushed her to put Jason in a long-term-care facility, but Sam would rather have him cared for at home. Fortunately, it may be a moot point, as it looks like Jason's starting to wake up.
• Ava took Valentin's deal and immediately headed to St. Petersburg for her surgery. She met a fellow patient, Patient 6, who could be Nikolas, the real Jason, Steve Burton's character, or some combination of the three. Griffin freaked out that she was going into a dangerous situation.
• Franco couldn't get Heather to talk to him, but Obrecht thought he should talk to Betsy instead anyway. He invited her to his art show, tried to drop hints about his childhood friend, and then finally asked her straight out for answers.
• Carly told Michael that Nelle may have killed her fiancé, but he believed Nelle when she said she didn't.
• Anna tried but failed to enlist Finn to help her get access to Cassandra, so she may resort to blackmail.
• Oscar got busted (by Milo, no less) trying to enter Carly's house, but at least he got to kiss Josslyn.
• Nathan shut down Maxie's plans to out him in Crimson.
• Sam told Alexis the truth about Sonny's shooting.
• Jordan caught Sonny and Curtis promising to have each other's backs.

September 18th, 2017

Jason squeezes Sam's hand while she's talking to him, so she rushes to Griffin, saying he's waking up. Griffin says he was just moving involuntarily and isn't waking up after all. Sam's in denial some more, again, and announces that she's decided to take Jason home. Sonny pretends to be supportive, then gives her a reality check that makes her realize she has to put him in a long-term-care facility. At first Betsy says she'll explain things to Franco, but then she says he shouldn't want to disrupt the life he's made with Elizabeth and her boys. She seems disturbed when she learns that Franco's helping raise Jason's son. Betsy agrees to tell Franco the truth about the picture, but away from the gallery. When he goes to her hotel room to talk, it's empty. Back at the gallery, an anonymous buyer purchases the painting of the two boys, which wasn't supposed to be for sale. Ava tries to talk to Patient 6, but Larisa and Boronsky warn her again to keep her distance. When they discuss the Cassadines, he clenches his fist. Anna successfully blackmails Finn into agreeing to go to Monaco with her. Griffin's not thrilled, since her impromptu trip means she's not working on finding out more about Boronsky's clinic. Jordan confronts Curtis for offering to help Sonny, wondering if he's trying to get his foot in the door. Curtis insists he isn't, but Jordan tells him he'll have to choose between his relationship with Sonny and his relationship with her. Scott does that dumb thing where a parent questions his or her child's partner's intentions, as if Elizabeth's intentions are the ones that should be questioned in this relationship.

We'll know we've reached the episode where Jason wakes up when we actually see Billy Miller.

Betsy: "I'll tell you, but not here. Meet me at my hotel." Me: "And that was the last time we ever saw Betsy." (She's probably dead. Or Heather kidnapped her. Odds are even there.)

I can't wait to see Finn trying to do spy stuff. It's going to be awesome.

Jordan, don't play innocent. Just tell Curtis you overheard him and Sonny talking.

Speaking of Jordan, she didn't seem to worry how it would look when she was dating Shawn while she was in the DEA. Just saying.

September 19th, 2017

Ava chatters to Patient 6 for a while, and he grabs her hand when she mentions Nikolas. A nurse tells her that they don't know where he thinks he is, so he could think he's surrounded by monsters, which makes him a real threat to others. Whoever he is, he's being played by Steve Burton. Scott insists that the boy in the picture isn't Jason, but Franco can't shake the feeling that he did something horrible that drove away his "imaginary friend." He wishes Jason would wake up and confirm who he is so Franco can figure out who HE is. This year's Shriners theme is scoliosis, which Charlotte's friend Bailey may have. Since Valentin has had experience with it, Charlotte turns to him with her questions. He assures her that she doesn't have it, then offers to help Bailey's family through the process of getting her examined and possibly treated. Lulu has to admit that he's good at being a father, but she's not quite ready to agree to shared custody. Valentin hopes that Charlotte never learns what he used to be like. The sister of one of Franco's murder victims comes to the show to rant about how people shouldn't be celebrating his work. She tries to throw paint on the painting of the two boys, but Elizabeth sacrifices her outfit to save it. Sonny and Carly are kind of the filler, but also here to tease us about how Jason has been different since his return.

I'm not doing a two-Jasons plot! Not doing it!

Felix came to Franco's show but Obrecht didn't? Okay.

Thank you, show, for not injuring another child for a PSA opportunity. (Though it would have been an interesting plot if Charlotte were the one who possibly had scoliosis, and Valentin blamed himself, and he and Lulu had to take care of her together.)

New rule: The writers have to give me $5 every time someone uses a character's full name unnecessarily.

September 20th, 2017

Lulu meets up with Charlotte and Valentin at Shriners, where they're giving Bailey and her mother moral support. Lulu wants to know more about Valentin's past and his own experiences with scoliosis, admitting that she doesn't see him as a monster anymore. This is bad timing as, back in Port Charles, Dante has just talked to Kiki about Ava and put together that she agreed not to testify against Valentin. In Monaco, Anna gives Cassandra a drug that induces what seems to be an allergic reaction. Finn saves her and chats with her a bit, but he thinks the whole thing is a waste of time. Anna disagrees, since he gets invited to meet with Cassandra later. Kristina comes up with an excuse to meet Molly as her class with Parker is ending (and maybe Molly shouldn't be taking a class with someone she resents so much). Kristina comes clean about the Valerie lie, and Parker apologizes for the way she handled things the last time they saw each other. She wants to talk more so they can get closure, and I'm guessing this will end with them taking their clothes off. Nelle complains to Kiki about Carly's hatred of her, something Kiki's familiar with. She predicts that Carly will forgive Nelle someday. But not today, since Carly's currently telling Michael that she thinks he should talk to Zack's family and learn why they accused Nelle of killing him. Minutes later, Carly gets a text from Zack's sister, wanting to talk about Nelle. Speaking of her, she has to find a new place to live, so Michael casually invites her to move in with him, because of course.

As per my rule from yesterday, the writers owe me $15 for Dante's dialogue alone.

Is Bailey's mom Wendy the waitress from How I Met Your Mother?

Lulu, a monster who's a good father is still a monster.

So far, this Anna/Finn plot is living up to my expectations.

Maxie, please befriend Kristina and then make her throw out that shirt.

September 21st, 2017

Ava's disturbed that Patient 6 is being subdued with ketamine, but she catches him trying to get out of his wheelchair and realizes that he's not as sedated as everyone thinks he is. She also thought he was Nikolas at first, but when she sees that his eyes are blue, she changes her mind. She agrees to keep quiet about Patient 6's condition as long as he doesn't target her if he decides to go on a rampage at the clinic. Because the writers like to mess with us, Sam tells Sonny that things between her and Jason have been different since their reunion, but she doesn't mean in a negative way – they've gone from being adventurous to settling down and looking forward to having a future together. Somehow, Lulu starts the episode furious with Valentin and ends it agreeing to shared custody. Curtis tries to make amends with Jordan, who's not done being cranky yet. Curtis ends up talking to Valerie, who hopes that he doesn't make the same mistakes he made with her, since he deserves a happy relationship. T.J. says similar things to Jordan, encouraging her to stop worrying about how her decisions affect him. Just as Jordan's about to tell Curtis to do what he wants, he tells Sonny he can't help him out with anything that's not completely legal. Jordan returns Curtis' "I love you" from, like, three weeks ago, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they have another dumb fight. Kristina and Parker...whatever, and then Kristina kisses Parker, but Parker says they can't get together because she'd rather have tenure.

How much do you think Steve Burton is getting paid to sit around and scowl?

Now that Billy Miller's back, I can't imagine them keeping Jason in a coma much longer. I predict he'll wake up tomorrow.

If Jason isn't Jason, bringing the kids to see him is kind of a cruel move by the writers.

T.J.! Thank you! You said the same thing I did about Shawn! Keep being you!

September 22nd, 2017

Jason gets a visit from his kids, and after some singing and show-and-tell with a family drawing, he wakes up (though he's alone when it happens). Franco tells Elizabeth about the boy in the picture and his questions about whether he encountered Jason as a child. Elizabeth thinks it's another kid, but she encourages him to go see Betsy and find out once and for all. He does, and Betsy admits that "there was a twin," but not Franco's. Ava tries to encourage Patient 6 by noting that his family must care about him, since they put him in a nice clinic, but he indicates that they don't know he's there. She asks him to tell her who he is, but instead he writes down a Port Charles phone number. Like Carly, Sonny thinks Michael should look into Nelle's past to make sure she's not a murderer. Michael ignores him, more focused on buying Nelle's apartment so she doesn't have to move. Though he doesn't tell Sonny about his actions, Sonny figures it out and tells Carly, who's already annoyed that Nelle interrupted her lunch with Josslyn. Having a bodyguard is interfering with Josslyn's personal life, but Milo agrees to be discreet about her activities with Oscar unless Sonny or Carly asks a specific question.

Look, I'm the first person to say how ridiculous it is that someone else in this town has a twin, but I'll take it over a Jason fake-out any day.

I was working on a theory that Patient 6 is Zack Grant, and I put it aside when they started in with the Cassadines/Port Charles stuff, but now I'm putting it back on the table. For the record, Heather's maiden name was Grant...

When did Franco go from "this painting is about brothers" to "this painting is about twins"?

Hey, Nelle, you know what's NOT going to make Carly like you? Not being nice to her.

Week in review:
Funniest moment (intentional): Finn: "Blackmail makes me grumpy"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Parker thinking she's the reason Kristina has a bodyguard
Saddest moment: Hey, kids! Let's go visit your comatose father!
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jake and Danny drew Jason a picture and used Scout's handprint for the sun
Least believable moment: Yet another person on this show has a twin
Best instances of continuity: Kiki knows what it's like to be on Carly's bad side; Finn likes hand sanitizer and cleaning his silverware before he uses it
Worst instance of continuity: Now they're saying Jason and Franco aren't related? They're cousins!
Hero of the week: I'm giving this to Sonny, but it's looking like a moot point
Most annoying character: Parker
Smartest character: Sonny, for the way he got Sam to realize she needed to move Jason
Dumbest character: Lulu, for thinking Valentin was anything other than a monster
Unanswered question of the week: Who bought Franco's painting?

The week in a nutshell:

• Sam finally agreed to send Jason to a long-term-care facility, so of course, two days later, he woke up.
• In Russia, Ava tried to gather information on Patient 6 (Steve Burton), learning that the drugs that are supposedly keeping him under control...aren't. He wouldn't tell her who he is, but he indicated that his family doesn't know he's there, then gave her a phone number with a Port Charles area code.
• Betsy agreed to tell Franco about the boy in the picture, then promptly disappeared. He found her as she was about to leave town and she finally told him a secret she and Heather have been keeping from him his whole life: "There was a twin."
• Anna blackmailed Finn into going to Monaco with her, and he reluctantly but successful connected with Cassandra.
• Carly nagged Michael about looking into Nelle's past, just before Zack Grant's sister contacted her to chat. Sonny agreed with Carly's concern, but Michael ignored them both and bought Nelle's apartment for her so she doesn't have to move.
• Parker wants tenure more than she wants a relationship with Kristina.
• Charlotte, Valentin, and Lulu were this year's chosen Shriners PSA participants. The more plotworthy part of the storyline, though, was that Lulu agreed to shared custody.
• Jordan and Curtis fought about the possibility of him working for Sonny, but after talking to T.J. and Valerie, respectively, they worked things out.
• Someone bought Franco's painting of the two boys, which Elizabeth saved from being destroyed by the sister of one of Franco's victims.

September 25th, 2017

Betsy does some retconning for us: Susan gave birth to twins, Jason and Drew, and hid Drew from the Quartermaines so they could only get custody of one child. She and Heather let Betsy raise him, intending to collect him someday, but Susan died and Heather was committed, so that never happened. Betsy raised Franco and Drew as twins, but Drew died of a heart condition when he was three (ALLEGEDLY), and Betsy decided to just erase all trace of his existence. This is why Franco grew up thinking he had an imaginary friend who disappeared. Franco wants to let Jason and his family know about his brother, but Betsy asks him to keep quiet. Patient 6 still won't give Ava his name, so she doesn't see the point of calling the phone number he wrote down, since she wouldn't know what to say to whoever picked up the phone. When Patient 6 is caught with a pen, all hell breaks loose, since the staff thinks he's going to use it as a weapon. Patient 6 is like, "Hey, great idea!" He tries to fight his way out of the clinic, but he's overpowered and drugged into unconsciousness. His doctor, Klein, warns Ava that she'd better behave if she wants her surgery. She hands over the phone number, and when Klein calls it, Sonny answers. Jason has a seizure, but once he's stable and still conscious, everything is fine, so that part of the storyline is finally over. Nelle feels uncomfortable living rent-free in a building Michael bought, so he suggests that she sign a lease and let him be her landlord. She predicts that his parents won't be happy with the arrangement. Sonny thinks Carly should drop the Nelle/Zack thing and leave her and Michael alone unless Nelle does something explicitly shady. Carly pretends to agree, but when Zack's sister Sharon calls, she's eager for information. Griffin blows up at Valentin in public, accusing him of trading treatment to Ava in exchange for her promise not to testify. Valentin pushes his buttons and makes him turn violent by taunting that Ava may never come back to Port Charles.

Drew? He just...doesn't look like a Drew. (Also, I'm going to keep calling him Patient 6 until we get 100% confirmation of what's going on. There's still a chance Drew is the one in the U.S. and Jason is the one in Russia [please, writers, no. I'm willing to beg].)

Show, you can let Steve Burton take off the mask now. We know it's him.

Good thing Sonny didn't sell his restaurant, huh? Otherwise someone else would have answered that phone.

That care facility should put Jason in their brochures. He was comatose for four weeks and he woke up 24 hours after he got there.

September 26th, 2017

Klein wonders why Patient 6 has Sonny's phone number, but he doesn't really care that much, since someone's coming to collect him in 24 hours. Ava ignores Klein's orders to keep her distance and goes to see Patient 6 again. Suddenly he's feeling chatty, and he asks her to get him a paper clip so he can attempt to escape again. At first Ava resists, but when she worries that Klein has oversedated him, she feels bad for not helping him sooner and vows to do something nice for once. Brick traces the call to St. Petersburg, and Griffin happens to be there to tie it to Ava. Sonny and Brick jump to to the conclusion that she's working with Petrov's people. Griffin tries to get Sonny to help him help her, but Hell hasn't frozen over recently, so that's not going to happen. Sonny advises Griffin to give up on trying to save Ava's soul since she doesn't have one. Griffin decides to track her down himself, warning Sonny not to get in his way, like he could ever take Sonny. Franco tells Scott about Drew but keeps the truth from Elizabeth, which I'm sure will never come back to bite him. Nathan's thought of all the things that can go wrong when he's unmasked as the pretend Man Landers, but Maxie says she has a plan that will leave everyone happy.

IF YOU CAN TALK, TELL AVA YOUR NAME. Freaking A.

Imagine Ava calling the number, getting Sonny, and being like, "Are you kidding me?"

I missed a chunk of the show because of a news break, so I'll have to assume that Griffin had a good reason to believe that Sonny would want to help Ava with anything.

Guys, Ava's having human feelings. I don't know how to react.

"You two squirrels"? Okay, Scott.

September 27th, 2017

Carly meets with Sharon, who tells her that Nelle seemed sweet and modest at first, but she turned Zack against his family by making him think that they were talking badly about her behind her back. He started missing family events, and the trip they took to Maine was out of character for him. Carly tries to keep an open mind, but when Michael bows out of a family event because of Nelle, she sees a red flag. After her talk with Carly, Sharon pays Nelle a visit. Maxie's plan is to hire four guys, put five potential Man Landerses at the launch party, and keep the mystery of the writer's identity a secret. Quinn objects at first but decides it's a great idea. Spinelli, however, throws a wrench in the works by continuing the search for the man behind the mask, even after Maxie tells him she's no longer interested. He spots Nathan and Amy talking, thinks they're having an affair, and makes an accusation in the middle of the party. Nathan blurts out that he's Man Landers, and everyone overhears. Finn thinks he's lost the opportunity to keep Anna's plan going, and he's grateful for it, because he's not enjoying being a spy. But Cassandra wants to see him again, so now he has to come up with some medical condition she supposedly has so he'll have a reason to keep meeting with her.

OH, NATHAN. Who would have thought that someone other than Spinelli would screw everything up?

Do I want to know where Maxie got four random guys for this event on less than 24 hours' notice? Probably not.

Why does Nina's fake laugh crack me up so much?

Okay, Anna, this was fun while it lasted, but it's time to go home. This is an awful lot of effort for one little diamond.

September 28th, 2017

Elizabeth visits Jason, accidentally leaving behind a card from Franco's show that depicts the painting of the two boys. Over here in my boat, the S.S. Denial, I'm pretending this isn't significant. Andre bought Franco's painting, so at least Franco will still be able to have it close by. He calls an impromptu therapy session and spills everything about Drew. Andre wonders if he's keeping the news from Elizabeth because he's afraid of letting her see another part of him. Michael tells Carly to stop bugging him about Nelle, but she can't help worrying that their relationship is just the sequel to Nelle's relationship with Zack. Sonny reminds her that Michael's pretty smart, and if he thinks Nelle is being shady, he'll leave her. Sharon and Nelle fight for a while before Michael breaks things up. Sharon wants the engagement ring Zack gave Nelle, but Nelle says she lost it in one of her many moves. Later, Michael finds it in a fake book. Nathan would rather out himself as Man Landers than let people believe he's cheating on Maxie, so he comes clean. The involved parties still have the secret that Amy's the real brains behind the operation, but Spinelli appears to have caught on. He�s also worried that Maxie isn't happy with the arrangements. Jason tells Sonny and Carly that he's really done with the mob, and is making his family a priority. Monica gets two minutes of screen time to visit her one living child.

I do not like the implications this episode makes about Jason and Franco, and I wish to lodge a formal complaint.

I can't believe Spinelli thought it was more likely that Nathan was cheating on Maxie than that he was Man Landers.

Jason already left the business, so why are we pretending this is all new? They're acting like he can't be friends with Sonny and Carly anymore.

Exactly how much money are we pretending Franco made from the art show? He knows med school is expensive, right?

September 29th, 2017

Patient 6 manages to snag a paper clip, and Ava helps him get out of his handcuffs. He beats up a guard and takes off, finally removing his mask. After her first procedure, Ava dreams about Griffin coming to see her but telling her she's still ugly on the inside. In reality, Griffin's still obsessed with finding out whether she's okay, and Franco talks him into going to Russia to look for her. Jake is surprised that Jason heard him while comatose, which makes Franco wonder if Jason heard him as well. He did, and after taking a few more looks at the gallery card, he'd like to have a chat. Alexis brings up Julian, for some ridiculous reason, and Sam decides it's time for her to start dating and move on. David's right nearby, so Sam tries to fix him and Alexis up. Kristina thinks her horrible statistics grade means she should drop out of school and forget about pursuing an MBA. And hey, that means she and Parker can get together! Dillon seems to be jealous of Kiki's mentor/mentee relationship with David.

Patient 6. Dude. Buddy. You don't even have shoes. You're not going to get out of Russia like this. P.S. If you're Jason (...don't), you will never again say you owe Ava, once you find out what she did to Morgan.

Griffin, no! Don't take advice from a serial killer! Also, have you thought about the possibility that Ava hasn't contacted you because she doesn't want to talk to you? In which case, you're being creepy?

Kristina, stop trying to make things work with the woman who CHOSE TENURE OVER YOU.

Hey, Dillon with an I? Shut it.

Week in review:
Funniest moments (intentional): Anna: "I guess blackmailing you into helping me take a criminal down isn't the best way to say thank you." Finn: "It's terrible. You're very bad at this"; Alexis saying Molly's the good daughter, and Sam making an "exCUSE ME?" face
Funniest moment (unintentional): Nina's fake laugh
Saddest moment: Sam tearfully begging Jason not to die
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jason and Jake's father/son relationship (because Jason's his father. Not Patient 6. Really)
Least believable moments: Patient 6 won't give Ava any useful information; Griffin's just going to jump on a plane and search Russia for Ava
Best instance of continuity: N/A
Worst instance of continuity: Kristina can't be working on an MBA – she never finished her undergrad degree
Hero of the week: ...Ava?
Most annoying character: Anna
Smartest character: Maxie
Dumbest character: Kristina
Previously unanswered question now answered: Andre bought Franco's painting

The week in a nutshell:

• According to Betsy, Jason had a twin, Drew, who died from a heart condition when he was three. Franco agreed to keep quiet about the revelation, then told Scott and Andre, but not Elizabeth. Meanwhile, Jason woke up fine and reaffirmed his decision to stay out of the mob. After puzzling over a copy of Franco's two-boys painting (which Andre now owns) and remembering that Franco visited him while he was comatose, Jason summoned Franco for a conversation.
• Patient 6 started talking, almost used a pen as a weapon in an escape attempt, then escaped for real with the help of Ava and a paper clip.
• Klein called the phone number he gave Ava and was surprised to reach Sonny. Sonny was equally surprised to get a call from St. Petersburg, and when Griffin mentioned that Ava's there, Sonny suspected that she's joined up with Petrov's people. Franco, of all people, talked Griffin into going to Russia to find Ava.
• Carly met Sharon Grant, who really, really believes that Nelle killed her brother. She confronted Nelle in person and asked for her engagement ring back. Nelle said she'd lost it, but Michael found it in her possessions after telling Carly he trusts her.
• Maxie came up with a plan to feature multiple Man Landerses at the book launch party, which worked for a while, until Spinelli accidentally screwed things up. Faced with the accusation that he's cheating on Maxie with Amy, Nathan decided to tell the truth (well, sort of). Nathan is now publicly the face of Man Landers, and though the secret of Amy's true involvement is still unknown, Spinelli's on to everyone.
• Sam tried to get Alexis' mind off of Julian by setting her up with David.
• Kristina wants to drop out of school so she and Parker can date.
• Anna and Finn...whatever.
• Dillon's kind of a jerk now.