"I’d Rather Be in Philadelphia"
Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner; directed by Lee Shallat-Chemel

Lorelai and Babette are moving potted plants around at Lorelai’s house (Babette is turning her and Morey’s bedroom into a jungle) when the phone starts ringing and doesn’t stop. Babette tells Lorelai that she would have asked Christopher to help her with the plants, but she hasn’t seen him recently. Lorelai just tells her that he’s busy with work. Lorelai finally answers the phone and gets the news from Rory that Richard has collapsed (see “To Whom it May Concern”). Once Lorelai reaches the hospital, she calls Rory back to find out which waiting room she’s in. When they finally meet up, Rory tells Lorelai that Richard had a heart attack and is having tests run. She babbles about acronyms until Lorelai hugs her. Lorelai calls Christopher and leaves him a message to let him know what’s going on, asking him to call when he gets the message. Rory brings them a bunch of junk food, since she couldn’t decide what they should eat. Lorelai tells her that Emily is on her way and Christopher probably is, too. The two are, amazingly, too upset to eat, and Lorelai talks about how the situation is like a nightmare but not an actual nightmare because she’s wearing shoes and she never is in her nightmares. She could be chased by snakes in a dream but her first thought it always that she’s not wearing shoes.

A doctor tells Lorelai and Rory that Richard is conscious and not in a lot of pain, but still needs tests to determine how bad his condition is. Lorelai wants to know what might have to happen next, and the doctor tells her that if Richard has a serious blockage, he might need bypass surgery. Emily finally arrives, and though Lorelai and Rory tell her the doctor will be back when he gets Richard’s test results, Emily goes off to tell a nurse she wants to see her husband now. She also tells the nurse she’s way too cheerful for medicine and should teach kindergarten or do the weather instead. Emily leaves and Lorelai mouths an apology to the nurse as her mother complains about the level of incompetency in the hospital. Her daughter and granddaughter try to calm her down with food, but Emily would rather keep complaining about the amount of dumb people in the world. Apparently it took the employees at the country club 40 minutes to find her and tell her what had happened to Richard. Emily rants about not being allowed to have a cell phone in the club, then about the suspected drug deals taking place there, then about them charging for meals, and eventually decides that it’s the club’s fault Richard is in the hospital, since they don’t serve fish, which could have helped prevent his heart attack. Rory gets to leave the rant when she realizes that Logan has arrived. He checks on the three women and immediately starts to try to take care of Emily by getting tea.

The doctor returns and tells the Gilmore women that Richard needs bypass surgery immediately. First, though, they’re allowed to visit him. Emily starts interrogating the doctor about his education, and seems pleased that he went to Yale and Harvard before doing his residency at Columbia Presbyterian. Lorelai hangs back as Rory and Emily go in to see Richard, who promises to forgive the doctor’s time at Harvard if he does will with the surgery. He apologizes for scaring Rory in class, but she’s just glad he’s okay. Lorelai asks how Richard is doing, saying he looks okay, and he quotes Ronald Reagan quoting W.C. Fields by declaring, “I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” Emily decides to get Richard another pillow, and this leads to a battle between her and Lorelai over which pillow is the right one. Richard interrupts the argument to announce that he’d also rather be in Tucson. This distracts the others into talking about Tucson instead of pillows. Zach fills in for Lane at the diner, explaining to Luke that it was either take over Lane’s job or give birth to the twins for her. The two men agree that waiting tables is probably much easier than childbirth. Zach finds the experience enlightening and Luke quips that he shouldn’t let the power go to his head. Zach notes that he does have power because he could do anything to the customers’ food and they wouldn’t know. Babette arrives and tells Luke about Richard’s heart attack, news that shakes him up.

At the hospital, Lorelai calls Christopher again to update him on Richard’s condition. She reminisces about climbing a tree as a child and seeing how small her father looked on the ground, and how similar the situation seems now. Sookie calls to comfort Lorelai, who claims that she’s doing all right considering the situation. Sookie announces that she’s having someone bring a bunch of snacks to the hospital. Michel sends messages to Lorelai through Sookie, then adds that two guests they thought were husband and wife are actually brother and sister. Lorelai takes care of some inn business even though Sookie doesn’t want to bother her with it. Later, Lorelai finds Emily on the phone at a nurses’ station, talking to someone at a restaurant. Lorelai tries to subtly let her know that they have more important things to focus on right now. Elsewhere, Logan ignores his cell phone while Rory tells him about some of Paris’ shenanigans regarding Operation Finish Line. She tells Logan to answer his phone, but he wants to be completely focused on her. Rory thinks Paris will be mad at her for missing a GRE prep course and tea with a librarian. As Emily and Lorelai join them, Emily spots Luke, who’s just arrived, much to her dismay. He tells Lorelai that he came as soon as Babette gave him the news, and now he’s worried that he’ll be in the way, but he wants to help however he can. Lorelai accidentally chases him off by telling him Christopher will be there soon. Emily decides to put him to use by sending him to Yale to get Richard’s car.

Lorelai apologizes to Luke on Emily’s behalf, saying that she’s still distracted over finding fish. He leaves and Lorelai tells Emily to stop worrying about fish right now. Rory offers to go over to the house and meet a fish-delivery guy, as well as get some things that Richard might need. Lorelai wants to come along, but Rory thinks someone needs to stay and look after Emily. Lorelai reluctantly sends Logan and Rory off in her Jeep and stays behind with Emily. Rory wonders where Logan’s car is and learns that he came via helicopter. Later, Babette, who’s tending to Paul Anka, calls Lorelai and gets an update on Richard. Babette is sure Richard will be fine because he has so much chi, which apparently makes him so sexy. Babette wonders why she can’t get Paul Anka to go outside and use the bathroom, and Lorelai tells her that he’s afraid of the porch steps and Babette needs to put something down on them. At the Gilmore mansion, Logan gives the fish guy directions, then ignores another call. He tells Rory that he had use of the chopper because he was with a hedge-fun manager at his house in Montauk when Rory called. She wonders why he needs a hedge-fund manager, and he explains that he wants to buy another Internet company. He’s going to use $3 million from his trust fund, and he’s trying to get the hedge-fund manager to kick in $2 million. Logan’s father, however, doesn’t know about the deal. Rory tells Logan she enjoyed her grandfather’s economics class and realizes that she doesn’t know what will happen next.

Lorelai and Emily head to the hospital cafeteria and try to figure out what all the food is. This leads to a discussion about clichés, which ends when Emily takes a call from someone about faxing Richard’s will to the hospital. Lorelai thinks Emily is being greedy, but Emily says she’s just being practical. As Logan sees the fish man off at the mansion, Rory finds a bunch of Richard’s old albums and wishes she could find a Bing Crosby album Richard really likes. She’s also gotten some clothes for Emily but had to decide whether to get her pants or a skirt, the latter of which would lead to a search for pantyhose. Rory is happy to see that Logan has found the Bing Crosby album, and she thanks him for all of the help he’s given. He tells her there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. Emily finds Lorelai in the hospital gift shop and asks for her social security number for some papers. Lorelai reminds her that Richard is still alive, but Emily wants to be prepared, since she wasn’t when Richard was hospitalized years earlier (see “Forgiveness and Stuff”). They made a plan, and now Emily is following through with it. “You’re not his secretary, you’re his wife,” Lorelai points out. Emily replies that Lorelai doesn’t know what it’s like to be a wife, since she hasn’t been married that long. Emily’s been Richard’s wife for two-thirds of her life, and her job is to take care of him. She finally starts to break down, upset that she could lose her husband and has no control over the situation.

Later, Lorelai, Rory, Emily, and Logan eat junk food in the waiting room (Emily even eats Milk Duds) and get the news that Richard’s surgery went well. Emily goes to visit him and tells him about all of the things she’s taken care of. Lorelai calls Christopher and leaves another message, telling him that though she’s not sure how to be a wife, he’s not acting like much of a husband. Rory plays the Bing Crosby album for her grandfather, and Richard decides that he’d rather be in New Haven than Philadelphia. After he falls asleep, Lorelai tells Rory that she’s glad things are going so well with her and Logan. Rory asks where Christopher is and Lorelai admits that she doesn’t know. Later, Emily goes to check out the room Richard will be moved into later, and Luke returns to drop off some food. As he and Lorelai chat, Christopher finally arrives and is, of course, not happy to see Luke there. After Luke leaves, Lorelai asks Christopher why he didn’t call her back. He thinks she had Luke come because she didn’t know if Christopher was going to show up. Rory interrupts, and Emily tries to cheer Lorelai up with clichés. Lorelai is more touched by Luke’s gesture than she is by Christopher’s presence.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Lorelai: “It’s a nightmare but not a nightmare nightmare. I know ‘cause I have shoes on. In my nightmares, I never am wearing shoes.”
Rory: “I didn’t know that.”
Lorelai: “Yeah, yeah. It’s the worst thing in the dream, too. I could be chased by snakes or in a nuclear explosion, but then I look down, and…‘I’m not wearing shoes!’”
Rory: “I wonder what that means.”
Lorelai: “Well, it probably means I have a fear of, you know, hurting my bare feet or fear of losing my shoes.”
Rory: “Hmm. Not so Freudian, huh?”
Lorelai: “No, for me, a snake is just a snake, a slingback is just a slingback.”

Rory: “So I tell Paris, ‘I don’t care if it would theoretically increase my chances of getting a grant to study in Russia. I am not willing to pretend to be an accomplished rhythmic gymnast.’”
Logan: “How do you pretend to be a rhythmic gymnast, anyway?”
Rory: “I don’t even know. Do you whirl around some ribbons? Balance a ball on your nose? She’s taking our impending graduation with a pinch of total insanity.”

Logan: “That’s right. No, I mean a left into the driveway. I mean that’s correct - making a left. I mean, a left is the correct choice. Right. That’s correct, I mean. Okay, great. Great. All right, we’ll be here. See you soon.”
Rory: “Well, sounds like Abbott and Costello got nothing on you and the fish man.”
Logan: “You liked the ‘right/right’ business? It could use polish, but me and the fish man have plans to bring back Vaudeville.”
Rory: “Oh, I’m gonna book the Palace Theater: ‘Logan and the Fish Man.’”
Logan: “‘The Fish Man and Logan.’”
Rory: “He gets top billing?”
Logan: “He’s the one who can juggle.”

Lorelai: “It’s not a cliché, it’s more an overused saying like, um, ‘sweating bullets’ or ‘it’s as cold as ice.’”
Emily: “Well, some overused sayings are true, like ‘children should be seen and not heard.’”
Lorelai: “‘Mother knows best.’”
Emily: “‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’”

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