Soap opera rules
1. IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD. If the body hasn’t been found, the person’s alive. If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else. If someone says, “Don’t worry, he/she/it’s dead,” he/she/it is probably alive. Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead. The only people who are definitely dead (most likely) are Stone (because there’s no cure for AIDS), Paige (because there’s no cure for cancer), B.J. (because Maxie has her heart), and Lila (because this show hasn’t gotten quite that sacrilegious, at least yet).
2. IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING OPTIMISTIC, SUCH AS, “THERE’S NO WAY HE/SHE/IT COULD HAVE SURVIVED” OR “EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE FINE FROM NOW ON,” THAT PERSON HAS JUST JINXED EVERYTHING AND THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE/SHE SAID WILL OCCUR. Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships.
3. EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE BIOLOGICAL RELATIVE IN TOWN. Exceptions to this rule are Emily (adopted), Jax (mother and brother live elsewhere), Skye (though if her baby makes it to birth, she’ll be off this list), and Lucas (adopted).
4. WRITERS LOVE TO HAVE CHARACTERS WHO CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN. See Skye, Courtney, and Bobbie. (Though the writers recently changed their minds about Courtney and Skye.)
5. ABOUT ONE OUT OF EVERY TWO BABIES CONCEIVED WILL BE MISCARRIED OR STILLBORN. Chances go up if the baby is Sonny’s.
6. EVERYONE IS RICH. If not amazingly wealthy, at least rich enough to not have to worry about anything. Exceptions are Elizabeth and Lucky.
7. TIME AND SPACE ARE FLEXIBLE. Yesterday it may have taken half an hour to get from Kelly’s to the hospital, but today it might only take two minutes. Any foreign country can be reached within the hour.
8. SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE. SORAS is soap opera rapid aging syndrome. One day a kid may be 5, and the next he might be 15. Just go along with it. So far, only Maxie has proved immune.
9. IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS. The most hated characters are most susceptible to murder mystery storylines. Most of the time, though, the murderer will turn out to be an unimportant character (see Dr. Thomas, the Tin Man, and Angel.)
10. IF A WOMAN HAS SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE MAN WITHIN A CERTAIN TIME PERIOD, SHE WILL GET PREGNANT. And Sonny will probably be the father.
11. IF A REGULAR CHARACTER IS ARRESTED FOR A SERIOUS CRIME, HE/SHE WILL SOMEHOW BE EXONERATED, EVEN IF HE/SHE IS GUILTY. So maybe Alexis didn’t have to fake Dissociative Identity Disorder after all.
12. SOMETHING MUST BE BLOWN UP AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH. It’s usually a warehouse.
13. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY LAWYERS. Currently we have Alexis, Ric, Justus, Durant, and sometimes Dara.
14. YOU DON’T NEED A REASON TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Apparently, it’s the best place to run into people.
15. THE MOST INTERESTING CHARACTERS AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING. ALTERNATELY, THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS ON. Oh, hello, Emily and Sam. I didn’t see you over there.
16. NO MATTER HOW MANY CHARACTERS ARE BEING UNDERUTILIZED, APPARENTLY THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM FOR NEW PEOPLE. Who needs Lucas? Bring on Jesse!
17. THERE TEND TO BE THREE OR MORE CHARACTERS IN ANY LOCATION AT ONE TIME. If five or more characters are in one place at one time, something interesting is probably going to happen.
18. IF CHARACTERS ARE DRIVING IN A CAR, THE CAR WILL PROBABLY CRASH. The odds seem to increase if Reese is involved.
19. NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO HAVING A SECRET ILLEGITIMATE CHILD. Even Alexis and Alcazar, unfortunately.
20. MOST PEOPLE DON’T HAVE NORMAL NAMES. The best way to make a name abnormal is to change a C to a K. (Or, in Ric’s case, just drop the K altogether.)
People who have proved this rule: Sonny (faked death in 2002), Carly (faked death in 2002), Brenda (faked death from 1998-2002), Lucky (had death faked from 1999-2000), Laura (had death faked in early 80s and 1996), Nikolas (presumed dead in 2004), Helena (faked death in 2004), Reese (faked death from around 1990 to 2005), Robert (presumed dead from 1992 to 2006)
People who are currently presumed dead but might not actually be: A.J., Stefan, Zander (you never know), Mary (ditto), Connor (who also proved the rule in 2004)
The best abnormal names/spellings: Jax, Ric, Lucky (at least it’s a nickname), Nikolas, Justus, Skye, Georgie, Guy, Kristina, Maxie, Felicia, Rae, Zander, Sage