Soap opera rules
1. IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD. If the body hasn't been found, the person's alive. If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else. If someone says, "Don't worry, he/she/it's dead," he/she/it is probably alive. Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead. The only people who are definitely dead (most likely) are Stone (because there's no cure for AIDS), Mike (because there's no cure for Alzhiemer's), Oscar (because there's no cure for cancer), B.J. (because Maxie has her heart), and Lila and Edward (because this show hasn't gotten quite that sacrilegious, at least yet).
2. IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING OPTIMISTIC, SUCH AS, "THERE'S NO WAY HE/SHE/IT COULD HAVE SURVIVED" OR "EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE FROM NOW ON," THAT PERSON HAS JUST JINXED EVERYTHING AND THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE/SHE SAID WILL OCCUR. Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships.
3. EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE BIOLOGICAL RELATIVE IN TOWN OR SOME PAST CONNECTION TO SOMEONE WHO HAPPENS TO LIVE IN PORT CHARLES. Even if they're not family, they've met at least one person in Port Charles before coming to town. Current exceptions: Sasha and Willow. This could all change within a matter of minutes, though.
4. THE AMOUNT THE FANS HATE A CHARACTER OR STORYLINE IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME THE WRITERS WILL SPEND SHOWCASING THAT CHARACTER OR STORYLINE. See Baby Swap 2018-2020 or anything involving Peter.
5. WRITERS LOVE TO HAVE CHARACTERS WHO CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN. Sam, Lulu, Skye, and Courtney have all been told that they can't have children. Sam, Skye, and Courtney have all given birth since. In other words, if your doctor tells you that you can't have a baby, he or she is probably wrong. (Current exception, at least for now: Nina.)
6. APPROXIMATELY ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE BABIES CONCEIVED WILL BE MISCARRIED OR STILLBORN. Chances go up if the baby is Sonny's.
7. EVERYONE IS RICH. If not amazingly wealthy, at least rich enough to not have to worry about anything. Elizabeth is the only exception.
8. TIME AND SPACE ARE FLEXIBLE. You can fly from Port Charles to any location in the world while a couple has half a conversation at Kelly's. One day may stretch for upwards of a week. "Yesterday" does not exist.
9. SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE. SORAS is Soap Opera Rapid-Aging Syndrome. One day a kid may be 5, and the next he might be 15. Just go along with it. Elizabeth's children appear to carry immunity to this disease.
10. IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS. The most hated characters are most susceptible to murder mystery storylines.
11. IF A WOMAN HAS SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE MAN WITHIN A CERTAIN TIME PERIOD, SHE WILL GET PREGNANT. And Sonny will probably be the father.
12. IF A REGULAR CHARACTER IS ARRESTED FOR A SERIOUS CRIME, HE/SHE WILL SOMEHOW BE EXONERATED, EVEN IF HE/SHE IS GUILTY. So maybe Alexis didn't have to fake Dissociative Identity Disorder after all. Exception: Sonny, who was pardoned by the governor.
13. EVERYONE HAS A TWIN, USUALLY IDENTICAL. It's medically impossible, but we're supposed to go with it.
14. THE MOST INTERESTING CHARACTERS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING. ALTERNATELY, THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS ON. Has anyone seen Lucas?
15. NO MATTER HOW MANY CHARACTERS ARE BEING UNDERUTILIZED, APPARENTLY THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR NEW PEOPLE. Who cares about Monica when we can see Peter four days a week?
16. IF A CHARACTER IS DRIVING A CAR, THE CAR WILL PROBABLY CRASH. The odds seem to increase if Carly is involved.
17. NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO HAVING A SECRET CHILD. Looking at you, Alexis, Bobbie, and Laura.
18. NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT YOUR CHILD'S PATERNITY KEPT SECRET, EVENTUALLY THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT. Just ask Obrecht and Jordan.
19. MOST PEOPLE DON'T HAVE NORMAL NAMES. The best way to make a name abnormal is to change a C to a K. (Or, in Ric's case, just drop the K altogether.)
20. IT'S MONICA'S HOUSE. Alan gave it to her.