"Ballroom and Biscotti"
Written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino

Lorelai and Rory are dropped off at the their house by a shuttle van after their summer in Europe. Babette is happy to see that they’re okay, since they’re later than Rory told Babette they would be. (Babette even called some consulates for news.) The girls tell Babette a little about their trip, then pretend to be exhausted so she’ll leave. Rory wants to unpack but Lorelai would rather lounge around on her bed. Rory is so happy to see her clothes that she hugs them. Lorelai suggests that they sleep now so that they don’t ruin the rest of their week by being jet-lagged. She leaves to take a shower and give Rory some time alone with her sock drawer. The next day, Lorelai smoothes things over with the Belgium consulate and blames Rory’s lovableness on the reason Babette was so worried about them. The girls look over the souvenirs they bought for people and wonder if they managed to skip jet lag. Lorelai goes over their schedule for Rory’s last week before heading to college. This includes shopping, manicures and pedicures, watching all three Godfather movies (with extra showings of Sofia Coppola’s death scene), and finishing the last of their biscotti. They wind up putting all of the souvenirs in their backpacks so they can deliver them to everyone. Lorelai wants to move efficiently so they have time to see everyone. Rory would like to stop at Luke’s for food, and Lorelai wonders if he and Nicole went on their cruise (see “Those are Strings, Pinocchio”).

The girls spot Taylor and Luke outside Taylor’s new soda shop; they decide that this is a biscotti-worthy moment. Luke is upset that Taylor has put a window in the wall so that Luke can see in the shop and Taylor can see in the diner. “Look at this place!” Luke says. “Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.” Taylor is unhappy that Luke is so close to his candy, so Luke starts throwing it around. Lorelai suddenly realizes that they forgot to get Luke a souvenir. She suggests buying him something and telling him they got it in Denmark. Rory notes that everything in Stars Hollow has Hello Kitty on it. Lorelai tells her that they can’t go see Luke until they get him something. They head to Sookie and Jackson’s instead, where Sookie asks a ton of questions about the trip. Lorelai is excited by how pregnant Sookie is, but Rory is a little squeamish. Jackson refuses to hear Sookie tell Lorelai the baby’s gender; he even has a pin that says, “I do not want to know the sex of my baby.” Jackson would rather be old-fashioned and sit in the hospital waiting room until a nurse comes out and tells him if he has a son or daughter. Rory agrees to be on his side and Jackson welcomes her to 1954. Lorelai and Sookie head outside, where Sookie reveals all of the blue stuff she’s hidden in the shed. They start talking about Luke and Sookie says that she thinks something happened on the cruise but Luke won’t say what it is.

The girls leave with jam for Luke, making up a story about the orphan who made the jam. Rory heads off to give Lane her gift and Lorelai heads for the diner. (Sadly, the sole Rory/Lane scene of the episode was deleted, though it’s on the DVD set. Mrs. Kim sees Rory’s “I do not want to know the sex of my baby” pin and freaks out.) She tells Luke a little about her trip and gives him the jam. She tries to tell the story she made up but winds up confessing that they got it from Sookie and Jackson, which Luke had already figured out. He tells her this makes them even, since he didn’t get her anything either. Lorelai asks about the cruise but Luke doesn’t give anything away. Outside, Rory spots a poster with her picture, advertising her as the Ice Cream Queen. She heads to the ice cream shop, where Taylor gives her free ice cream, and she points out that he didn’t ask her if she wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen. She tells him that she’s too busy with getting ready for school and doesn’t want the position. Taylor is upset with her rejection and points out that she always participates in town activities. He says that now that she’s going to Yale, she’s not the same person anymore. Back at home, Lorelai announces that they’re never buying souvenirs again. Rory suggests just buying a big crate of jam. She’s still thinking about the Taylor situation and wonders if she really has changed. Lorelai assures her that Taylor is just messing with her mind. Rory looks through the mail and realizes that she wrote down the date of her Yale orientation incorrectly - it’s Saturday, just two days away. The girls are both upset that they don’t have as much time left as they’d believed and won’t be able to fit everything in. Lorelai proposes a revised schedule and they rush off to start doing everything.

The girls finish up a shopping spree and Lorelai notes that “Mr. Jet Lag wants to be [her] best friend.” They decide to split up to get everything done on the list. Rory notes that her tasks will take her right past the soda shop’s grand opening. As she passes the store, she spots a group of people outside, being told that the Ice Cream Queen was too busy to attend. Taylor adds that a skydiver who isn’t too busy to hang out with the crowd will be there soon. Lorelai heads to the cosmetics store where Kirk works and he tells her that she forgot to bring him a present from Europe. Lorelai admits that they forgot to get something for Luke, too, though Kirk notes that he at least got jam. She promises to make things up to him. Kirk tells her that Taylor paid him $20 to jump out of a plane; Lorelai tells him that the best gift she can give him is to tell him not to skydive. “Do I still get the jam?” Kirk asks. Out on the street, a couple of kids taunt Rory. Lorelai catches up to her and tells her that in order to get everything in, they’ll have to skip Friday night dinner. Rory reminds her that she made a deal with Richard and Emily and has to go, though Lorelai doesn’t have to. Lorelai is thrilled about this. She tells Rory that she’ll finish running errands, and when Rory gets home, they’ll watch part of the first Godfather, then Sofia’s death scene. Rory encounters the ice cream crowd again and tells everyone that she won’t be abandoning Stars Hollow when she goes off to Yale.

Rory heads to Friday night dinner by herself, giving Emily a statue of the Eiffel Tower. She tells Emily that Lorelai had things to do but will be at dinner next week. Richard arrives and Rory gives him a pipe from Copenhagen. At dinner, Rory has to confess that she and Lorelai didn’t meet friends of Richard and Emily’s in Europe. Emily finds ways to extend the meals, then asks Rory to stay to watch tapes of ballroom dancing competitions. Back in Stars Hollow, Luke helps Lorelai load a bunch of Rory’s stuff in his truck. Lorelai bugs him about the cruise again and Luke finally admits that he proposed to Nicole. In fact, they actually got married. Lorelai is shocked, but Luke continues that they’re already getting divorced. He explains that they got caught up in the relationship stuff on the cruise but realized the next morning that they’d made a mistake, so they’re splitting up. Lorelai notes that at least now people won’t make comments about Luke because he’s been single for so long. Rory calls Lorelai and tells her she’s been taken hostage by Emily. “This is Iran in ‘79 and you are Jimmy Carter,” she says. Lorelai notes that Emily is doing this because Lorelai didn’t come to dinner, so if she comes over, Emily will let Rory go. As Lorelai heads off to rescue her daughter, Kirk passes by in his skydiving outfit. Lorelai heads to her parents’ house, apologizes to Emily, and asks to take Rory home. She says that Emily is keeping Rory from her and Rory wouldn’t leave on her own because she wouldn’t want to hurt Emily’s feelings. She blasts Emily for keeping Rory on their last night together; Emily replies that Lorelai should have come to dinner. Jet-lagged, Lorelai can’t stop laughing when she learns that Richard is already in bed. Later that night, excited about the next day, the girls watch the dancing tapes and eat biscotti while Emily sleeps nearby.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Rory: “If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn’t you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?”
Lorelai: “Where’d we get this hash we were smuggling?”
Rory: “You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren’t looking.”
Lorelai: “At least tell me he was cute.”
Rory: “He was not bad for a hash dealer.”
Babette: “I’m making cocoa!”
Lorelai: “She’s making cocoa ‘cause you gave her an itinerary.”
Rory: “I may have given her the itinerary, but you’re the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.”
Lorelai: “Reality has absolutely no place in our world.”

Rory: “What do you need rosary beads for?”
Lorelai: “They’re cute.”
Rory: “They’re for prayer.”
Lorelai: “Well, pray they match my blue suit.”
Rory: “They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in Hell.”

Lorelai: “We were supposed to come back on Saturday.”
Luke: “I know.”
Lorelai: “Keeping tabs on me?”
Luke: “Always safer to know which direction the tornado’s coming from.”

Lorelai: “I told ‘em about you over there, Señor Swanky Pants.”
Luke: “Can’t tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent.”

Richard: “Well, who did you look up when you went to Europe?”
Rory: “Jim Morrison says hello.”

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