"Bad Eggs"
Written by Marti Noxon; directed by David Greenwalt

Buffy and Joyce walk around the Sunnydale Mall, Buffy begging her mother to let her get an outfit she wants. Joyce asks her to get clothes from the tailor while she gets something else. On her way to the tailor, Buffy spots a girl with a guy in a cowboy hat. When she sees that the cowboy doesn’t have a reflection, she follows them to an arcade. Before the cowboy can bite the girl, Buffy arrives to fight him. He introduces himself as Lyle Gorch (Jeremy Ratchford), tells her they’re not done, and leaves. Buffy goes to the food court to meet Joyce, forgetting to stop by the tailor. Joyce asks if she was distracted by a boy and chastises her daughter for being irresponsible. “Honestly, don’t you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?” she asks. “Saving the world from vampires?” Buffy tries. Joyce replies that she doesn’t understand her.

Xander and Cordelia make out in a dark utility closet at Sunnydale High, him telling her not to talk and her telling him to keep the light off. They agree that their relationship (or whatever you want to call it) isn’t something they really need, yet they can’t seem to stop kissing. Later, they head to their health class for a lecture on sex from Mr. Whitmore. He asks the students to brainstorm possible negative consequences of sex, and Cordelia mentions possibly putting a car into gear while making out inside. She and Xander trade barbs until the teacher stops them and Willow mentions an actual risk, teen pregnancy. Mr. Whitmore presents the students with eggs for the ever-popular egg parenting task. Willow tries to get Xander to be her partner, but he wants to match up with Cordelia. She picks another guy, so he picks another girl.

After class, Willow and Xander head to the library, where Buffy played hooky from class. Willow gives her her egg and explains the project to her. Buffy isn’t thrilled with the assignment, and is even less thrilled when she learns that she has no partner, and is a single mom, like her own mother. Giles finds reference to Lyle Gorch in a book (almost accidentally smashing Buffy’s egg with it) and says that he and his brother Tector slaughtered a Mexican village before they became vampires. Willow suggests that Buffy get Angel’s help in dealing with the Gorches and Xander says that they won’t get anything done if they “work” together. Buffy denies that she and Angel are “helpless slaves to passion,” but that night, while patrolling, they do more making out than looking out for vamps. The Gorches spot them and wonder why the Slayer is making out with Angelus. They decide to wait until she’s alone to make a move. Back home, Buffy takes care of her egg and goes to sleep. In the middle of the night, the egg cracks and tentacles poke out, reaching for Buffy.

The Gorches hang out in the sewers the next morning, having to stay hidden until they can take care of Buffy. Lyle puts himself in charge and says that they’ll move slowly, which leads Tector to accuse him of being afraid of Buffy. With nothing else to do, they start fighting each other. Buffy wakes up and doesn’t notice anything wrong with her egg, which looks normal. Joyce tries to offer some parenting advice and Buffy tells her she didn’t ask for “backseat mommying.” With their health class cancelled, the Scoobies hang out in the library, Buffy and Willow both tired. Xander starts tossing his egg in the air, making Buffy and Willow nervous, as he tells them that stress makes the “baby” nervous. He drops his egg, but it doesn’t break, leading him to admit that he boiled it. While they’re talking, Giles doesn’t notice an egg on one of the bookshelves. Cordelia arrives and tells the Scoobies that Mr. Whitmore is missing and presumed dead (well, by her, at least), then suggests that she and Xander go look for him in some closets.

That night, Buffy and Angel do some more “patrolling,” and Angel offers to hunt without her so that she can go home. She talks about her egg project and mentions that she’s not planning on having kids any time soon. He reluctantly implies that he can’t have kids anyway. She tells him that she doesn’t really think about the future, and that when she does, he’s all she sees. A guard at Sunnydale High notices that the basement door is open and goes down to investigate. He sees a hole in the wall leading to a tunnel, but before he can see where it goes, Mr. Whitmore knocks him out. Buffy returns from patrolling to see her egg trying to break open again. A tentacled creature breaks out and tries to attack her. She plays hide-and-seek with it for a little while, eventually stabbing it with a pair of scissors. She calls Willow and tells her to smash her egg, but Willow says that her egg isn’t doing anything strange. She wonders if Buffy’s egg was planted by the Gorches. When Willow gets off the phone, we see that her egg has indeed birthed a tentacled creature as well.

Joyce catches Buffy hanging up the phone and, seeing her dressed, thinks she’s planning to sneak out. She grounds Buffy, explaining her punishment as she drops her off at school the next morning. On her way inside, Buffy runs into Cordelia, who thinks she’s crazy for asking whether her egg has been acting strangely. Nearby, Xander eats something “cardboardy” and decides that it’s time for his egg to serve its intended purpose. As Willow and Buffy chat, we see that Willow’s creature has attached itself to her back. Xander peels his egg and is about to take a bite when he sees that it’s not hard-boiled goodness. The Scoobies take the creature to the science lab, where no one wants to have to touch it. As they begin the autopsy, tentacles spread out of Cordelia’s bear purse. Willow says that it’s possible that Mr. Whitmore wasn’t harmed - that “the offspring simply used him to return to the mother bezoar.” Confused, Buffy and Xander asks what she’s talking about, but instead of answering, Willow smacks Xander over the head with a microscope and Cordelia hits Buffy with a bar.

Willow and Cordelia drag the two into a utility closet, then join some other students in gathering weapons from a shed. The head for the basement and into the tunnel. Joyce arrives at the library, looking for Buffy, and complains about her behavior to Giles. She sees some of his demon texts and he tells her that they have nothing to do with Buffy. While she’s distracted, he puts a creature on her back and they join the teachers and students who are heading for the tunnel. Buffy regains consciousness in the closet and wakes up Xander, who comments, “Last time Cordy dragged me in here, it was a lot nicer.” They see two eggs hatching and Buffy smashes them, then breaks the door open. They head for the library, wondering where Giles is, and decide to look up the bezoar in a book. It doesn’t take them long - it looks like Giles found it before he became one of the creatures’ zombies. In the basement, a bunch of people tend to bezoar eggs near the mother bezoar.

Buffy and Xander read about “neuro-clamping” and wonder why the mother bezoar is trying to control people. They hear Jonathan screaming in the hallway, but when they go outside to investigate, he calmly tells them that he’s fine. They follow him to the tunnel and see everyone taking care of the bezoar and her eggs. Buffy heads back to find a weapon while Xander stays in the tunnel. Back in the boiler room, Buffy encounters the Gorches, who are ready to have their face-off. Buffy takes care of Tector, ticking Lyle off and making him attack her. They wind up back in the tunnel, where he wonders what’s going on. Willow orders some students to kill Buffy and Lyle, but Buffy fends them off and starts fighting Lyle again. In a side tunnel, Xander grabs Cordelia and knocks her out. Tector returns to the fight but is quickly killed by the mother bezoar. The bezoar grabs Buffy as well, but Buffy kills it and emerges from its pit. Impressed, Lyle takes off. (He’ll be back in “Homecoming.”)

As the neuro-clamping wears off outside, Giles tells the students and teachers that there was a gas leak in the school, though he’s actually not certain what really happened. Buffy checks on her mother, who is relieved to see that she’s all right, but is also angry that Buffy wasn’t in the library where she was supposed to be. She tells Buffy she’s not allowed to leave her room until further notice. That night, Buffy and Angel do some more kissing and he asks if she’ll get in trouble. She tells him that she’s not breaking any rules as we see that Buffy’s in her room and Angel is standing outside on the roof.

MORAL, or CRAMMING COMPLEX ISSUES INTO A NUTSHELL: Eggs are tasty, but deadly. Like cows!

GRADE: B- Clever, but the Gorches don’t serve any purpose.


MEMORABLE QUOTES - Xander: “How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?”
Xander: “Yes! Mm-hm.”
Mr. Whitmore: “That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.”

Buffy: “Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?”
Xander: “I think the word you’re searching for is ‘absent.’”
Willow: “Tardy people show.”
Buffy: “Right.”
Willow: “And, yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this.” (hands her an egg)
Buffy: “As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.”
Willow: “No, it’s your baby!”
Buffy: “Okay, I get it even less.”
Xander: “Well, you know, it’s the whole ‘sex leads to responsibility’ thing, which I personally don’t get. You gotta take care of the egg. It’s a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.”
Willow: “My egg is Jewish.”
Xander: “Then teach it that dreidel song.”

Tector: “That the Slayer?”
Lyle: “Yep.”
Tector: “Ain’t that Angelus with her?”
Lyle: “Yep.”
Tector: “Well, how come she ain’t slayin’? And how come he’s about to make me blush?”

“I’m gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild.” - Lyle to Tector

Giles: “How did the, um…hunt go last night, Buffy?”
Buffy: “No go.”
Giles: “Uh, ‘no,’ ‘no’ you didn’t go, or, or, or you were unsuccessful?”
Buffy: “No Gorches.”
Xander: “Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. (to her) You…Angel…big…smoochies?”
Buffy: “Shut…up.”

Willow: “It didn’t break! How come it didn’t break?”
Xander: “Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.”
Willow: “You boiled your young?”
Xander: “Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick-skinned now.
Giles: “Technically that would be cheating, yes?”
Xander: “No! It’s like a shortcut. You know, when you run a race?”
Buffy: “That would also be cheating.”
Willow: “You should be ashamed.”
Giles: “I suppose there is a sort of…Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.”
Xander: “I resent that! Or possibly ‘thank you.’”

“I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn’t do. You know, like work for the telephone company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or…have little vampires.” - Buffy to Angel

Buffy: “So, your egg isn’t acting odd or anything?
Cordelia: “It isn’t acting anything. It’s an egg, Buffy, it doesn’t emote.”

Cordelia: “What is it?”
Xander: “We don’t know what it is, Cordelia, that’s why we’re here. Capisce?”
Cordelia: “‘Capisce’? What are you, world traveler now?”

“They can be such a…. Oh, uh, I-I-I don’t want to say ‘burden,’ but, uh…. Uh, actually I kind of do want to say ‘burden’!” - Joyce to Giles re: children

“Cordelia! I don’t wanna hurt ya. Some of the time.” (she hits him in the head) “That’s my BUMP!” - Xander

Willow: “Did I really hit you?”
Xander: “You knocked me out.”
Cordelia: “Did I hit you?”
Xander: “Yes, everyone hit me.”
Cordelia: “Good. Well, I don’t mean ‘good’ because I hit you, but I didn’t wanna be left out.”

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