"The Carpet"
Written by Paul Lieberstein; directed by Victor Nelli, Jr.

Pam is on vacation and Ryan is sitting at her desk, which is making Jim’s life very difficult. Jim interviews that she’ll be back soon, but she and Roy have also set a wedding date. Ryan interviews that Jim has been looking at him a lot, and he would be creeped out, but it’s nothing like the way Michael looks at him. When Pam returns from vacation, she interviews that she and Roy went to the Poconos. She gets ten vacation days a year and tries to hold off using them for as long as possible. This year, she got to the third week of January. Michael arrives and opens his office door only to be met by a foul smell. Someone left him some sort of unpleasant present in the middle of his carpet, but no one is quite sure what it is. Michael traps Kevin in the office, but even after that he can’t tell what the present is. A cleaning woman is summoned, but apparently she only makes the smell worse. Michael gives an interview in his office, stating that this is like an audition tape for Fear Factor but he can’t even put up with this. Jim welcomes Pam back from vacation and spots Roy and Darryl taking Michael’s stuff out of his office. Jim promises in an interview that he had nothing to do with the present, but he seems to wish he had. Ryan interviews the same but can’t stop laughing. Michael tells Jim that while his carpet is being replaced, the two of them will be sharing a desk. Jim decides to take an empty desk in the back of the office instead. He winds up near Kelly, who tells him that Toby sat there until he developed an allergy.

Michael and Dwight are happy to be sitting next to each other, and Michael notes that he used to sit there until he became the boss. He interviews that a guy named Ed Truck was the boss before him, but he was no fun. Michael promised himself that if he ever became a manager, people would laugh when he approached and clap when he left. In the back, Kelly babbles to Jim while he’s trying to work. Michael reminisces about working with Todd Packer. Apparently they spent a whole day without pants, and whenever people noticed, Michael and Todd convinced them they were crazy. Michael messes around with Stanley and Creed as he continues to reminisce that “once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office.” Ryan stops by to ask Jim a question, and after he leaves, Kelly gushes about how cute Ryan is. She begs Jim to talk to him and find out of he likes her. Michael recruits Dwight to “raid” accounting with him; it basically consists of them throwing papers all over the place. Dwight starts to trash Angela’s desk, but she shakes her head and he just gently tosses one of her pens instead. Michael and Dwight do a victory dance by the reception desk and warn Pam that they’ll come after her next. Oscar interviews that what happened in Michael’s office was wrong, but he still finds it funny.

Michael interviews that someone might have ruined his carpet as revenge on the cleaning woman. He decides that it was an act of terrorism. Dwight practices calling a radio station in an attempt to win a box set. In the kitchen, Jim overhears Pam and Roy discussing taking a long weekend and going back to the Poconos. Kelly is talking to Toby, so Jim has to find another place to hang out. Michael tells the sales department that whoever makes the most sales by the end of the day will get $100 (well, $83, since that’s all he has). He’ll be competing as well by taking over Jim’s clients. He starts off well, but Darryl and Roy catch him doing a victory dance and make fun of him. Michael fires back that they’re taking an awfully long time to replace his carpet. That’s because they’ve been sleeping in his office. Upset about the carpet, Michael decides to call off the contest, saying that he’s the victim of a hate crime. He asks for the guilty party to step forward, but no one does, so Michael decides to punish everyone by putting them all on time out. In the kitchen, Jim asks Ryan what he thinks of Kelly. Ryan starts to make a comment about her butt, then stops when he realizes there’s a camera on him. He says she’s cool and he’s interested in her, then asks Jim to find out what kind of relationship Kelly is interested in. Kelly tells Jim that she wants to have Ryan’s babies, but Jim shouldn’t tell him that.

In the break room, Michael tells Creed that his biggest fear is turning into Ed Truck. Creed thinks there are more important things he should worry about. Michael lures Ed to the office by telling him that there’s a problem with his pension, but he really wants to talk about the carpet. Ed tells him the same thing was done to him once, and Michael shouldn’t expect everyone to be friends with him. He should keep his friends and family separate from his employees, but Michael doesn’t want to do that. Kelly overhears Jim asking out Brenda (see “Booze Cruise”) over the phone and congratulates him. Todd Packer calls Michael and asks if he received the package he left him - he was the one who left the present on the carpet. Michael interviews that Todd did what he did out of love, just like he thought. On his way out of the office for the night, Jim checks his messages and learns that he has seven, all from Pam, who has been unable to talk to him all day.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Michael: “I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.”
Stanley: “That’s not what a hate crime is.”
Michael: “Well, I hated it a lot, okay?”

Michael: “My biggest fear is turning into him.”
Creed: “Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.”
Michael: “I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy?”

“Last week, I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have a relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask. So they can hear me say, ‘Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Get yourself a monkey kidney.’” - Michael

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