"The Fight"
Written by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnisky; directed by Ken Kwapis

Dwight arrives at work to discover that his desk and all of his other stuff is missing. He goes to tell Michael, but Jim starts playing Hot and Cold with him. Dwight finds his stuff in the bathroom and answers the phone to talk to Jim about new discounts. Later, Jim overhears Dwight on the phone with his sensei and asks about the conversation. Dwight tells him that he’s now assistant sensei (which Jim translates as assistant to the sensei). It turns out that Dwight is the only adult in a class of kids. Pam interviews that Michael is a procrastinator whenever he has to do work. Every Friday he signs time cards, at the end of the month he does purchase orders, and at the end of every quarter he initials expense reports. However, once a year, all three activities fall on the same day, which Pam calls the perfect storm.

In his first act of procrastination, Michael assigns Ryan to update emergency-contact information for each employee. Pam gives him the papers to sign, reminding him that he needs to have them done by 7:00. She thinks that Ryan updating contact info isn’t a priority, but Michael annoys her into shutting up about it. He then gets Ryan’s cell phone number, which Ryan soon realizes is a bad thing, as Michael calls him pretending to be Michael Jackson. Elsewhere, Pam uses a website to read Jim’s palm. Ryan gets another call, this time from “Mike Tyson” (apparently Michael can only imitate people with his name). Jim steals Dwight’s new purple belt, and when Dwight gets it back, he tells him that it’s a message to the whole office that he could take any of them on. Michael practices his signature in his office until Pam knocks on the window and asks him to practice on the forms.

Jim quizzes Dwight on the employees he could take on, ending with Michael. Michael overhears and says Dwight wouldn’t beat him not because they’re friends but because Michael is stronger. Later, Michael tells a story about being in a gang and Jim makes a West Side Story reference. On the way back to his office to theoretically do some work, Michael puts Dwight in a headlock. Later, he encourages Jim to hit him, but Jim thinks he should challenge Dwight instead. Michael says Dwight is a wuss; when they rented Armageddon, he cried at the end. He laughs about this until Dwight punches him. Dwight interviews that he didn’t want to hurt Michael, “the one man [he’s] been hired to protect.” After Michael stumbles back to his office to collapse, Jim tells Pam that Dwight has to be stopped. He offers to buy her a bag of chips if she can get Michael to fight Dwight.

Pam goes to Michael’s office and tells him that since she’ll be working late, she needs him to ask Dwight to walk her to her car. (Jim admires her for this tactic.) Michael claims that he could beat Dwight in a fight. Pam tells him that the others don’t agree, so Michael heads to the kitchen to confront Dwight (with Jim and Pam doing West Side Story dance moves behind him). Dwight tells Michael that he was just defending his honor, then offers to let Michael punch him so they’ll be even. Jim eggs them on to fight at Dwight’s dojo. Michael isn’t sure, but when Toby starts bugging him, he decides to declare a fight at lunch. Jim is very excited about this (and Kevin seems to be as well). The entire office (minus Ryan) heads to the dojo, where Jim pretends to read Pam’s palm as Michael and Dwight get ready. Pam and Jim start playfully fighting, but when he picks her up and Meredith notices, Pam quickly gets serious.

The fight begins, showcasing Michael and Dwight’s very different styles (e.g. trained and untrained). It turns into a free-for-all, and it appears that Michael wins. Back at the office, Michael spots Ryan having lunch at his car and calls him again. Ryan ignores the call, then plays voicemail messages from “Saddam Hussein” and “Ryan’s angry girlfriend” in an interview. Jim tries to write an apologetic e-mail to Pam but stops when he realizes the camera is watching. Dwight tells Ryan (in front of Michael) that he wants to change his emergency-contact person from Michael to the hospital. After Dwight leaves, Michael tells Ryan not to change it. At the end of the day, Jim quietly gives Pam her chips. Michael wants to talk to Dwight, but the others want him to finish filling out his paperwork, so he tells them to work together and forge all of it. Michael tells Dwight that he’s now officially assistant regional manager (though they can’t tell anyone). Dwight finishes the day out by whiting out “to the” on his business cards.

PRANKS JIM AND PAM PLAY ON DWIGHT: Jim puts all of his office furniture in the bathroom.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Dwight: “This is not funny, this is totally unprofessional.”
Jim: “Okay, well, you’re the one who lost the desk.”
Dwight: “I didn’t lose my desk.”
Jim: “Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?”

Jim: “As sempai, do you ever think there’s gonna be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?”
Dwight: “Impossible. The way they’re programmed….”

Michael: “I’ve beat up black belts. Yeah.”
Jim: “How’d you know they were black belts?”
Michael: “They told me, after.”

Angela: “Have you signed the expense reports yet?”
Michael: “Yes, in theory I have.”

“I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming in to work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments. And that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.” - Michael

Michael: “Just hit me. You’ll see.”
Jim: “I can’t, ‘cause I just got a manicure, so….”
Michael: “Oh, queer! Eye. Queer Eye. That’s a good show. Important show.”

Michael: “I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who could kick his a%$.”
Jim: “You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?”
Dwight: “What belt are they?”

“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.” - Dwight

“On the street, we didn’t have any rules. Maybe one. No kicks to the groin, home for dinner.” - Michael

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” - Michael

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