"Health Care"
Written by Paul Lieberstein; directed by Ken Whittingham

Michael goes to Pam to get his messages, but there aren’t any new ones. He interviews that the most sacred thing he can do for his employees is care and provide for them. Today he needs to pick a new healthcare plan for them, which he thinks makes him like their doctor. Jan arrives for a meeting and determines that Michael isn’t taking his task seriously. She tells him that they’re trying to save money, so he needs to pick the cheapest plan. Michael notes that this won’t make him very popular, but Jan says that sometimes managers have to give their employees bad news (like she is right now). Michael interrupts Jim and Pam’s conversation about TV to tell Jim that he’s elected him to pick the new healthcare plan, then tell his coworkers about it. Jim has other ideas, as he interviews that any time Michael asks him to do something, he tells him to ask Dwight instead. And thus Dwight becomes the person in charge of picking the plan.

Dwight’s first question is how many people he’s allowed to fire. That would be none, of course. Dwight then asks if he can have his own office for the task. Michael lets him use the conference room as a temporary workspace. Michael interviews that if Dwight fails, this will be strike two against him, but Michael will look good for having given him a second chance. If Dwight succeeds, then Michael looks even better. Dwight celebrates having a new workspace by putting a sign on the window that reads “Dwight Schrute workspace.” Later, he hands out copies of the new plan to his coworkers, but it’s bare bones and doesn’t carry dental or vision. Michael calls Pam from his office, pretending to be busy, and asks how everyone’s doing. She tells him that everyone is upset about the healthcare plan. Michael quickly tries to get off the phone, telling Pam not to let anyone in his office.

Pam and Jim head to the conference room and are blasted by Dwight for not knocking. He and Jim fight over the differences between an office and a workspace until Pam tells Dwight that the new plan is ridiculous. Jim asks why he doesn’t want good insurance for himself and Dwight says that he’s never been sick. Jim notes that that means he has no antibodies, but Dwight says people in his familiar have superior genes. (He also has the ability to raise or lower his cholesterol whenever he wants.) Elsewhere, Oscar, Kevin, and Angela talk about Michael, and Kevin realizes that Michael will have to come out of his office at some point to use the bathroom. Oscar and Meredith wait outside the bathroom and ambush Michael, who tries to escape back to his office but is surrounded by other employees. Everyone turns on Dwight, including Michael, who tells him to pick another plan. He adds that at the end of the day, he’ll have a big surprise for everyone.

Later, Dwight emerges from his workspace and announces to everyone that they need to fill out forms describing their medical conditions so he can make sure they’re covered. Jim notes that those conditions are confidential, but Dwight says that if they don’t fill out the forms, they won’t get anything. Michael sneaks out of the office to work on coming up with a surprise for everyone. He winds up at a travel agency, looking to take everyone to Atlantic City, but he’s not willing to spend any money on it. Back at the office, as everyone fills out the forms, Jim and Pam start making up diseases they’re suffering from. Michael tries to arrange a trip to the bottom of a mineshaft, thinking that it’s more like an amusement-part ride and there might be laser tag at the bottom. Back at the office, Dwight receives everyone’s forms and accuses people of forging medical information. He can’t get Jim to confess, so he says he’ll have to interview everyone in the office. Until then, they won’t get any insurance.

Jim is eventually called in to Dwight’s workspace for questioning. Instead of giving anything up, he grabs Dwight’s keys and locks him in. Dwight calls him and threatens to fire him, since he’s manager for the day, but Jim is able to put him on hold when Pam calls. Dwight then calls Jan and asks for permission to fire Jim. Jan isn’t even sure who Dwight is. Dwight tells her he’s been put in charge of picking the healthcare plan, and she tells Dwight to have Michael call her immediately. Dwight still wants to fire Jim, which, of course, Jan won’t let her do. At 4:33, Michael returns to the office with ice cream sandwiches, but when Stanley asks if that’s their surprise, Michael has to say that it’s not, which means there’s still one coming. He heads back to his office to do some more brainstorming.

Dwight calls a meeting to figure out who submitted which medical conditions. He first learns what exactly was removed when Meredith had a hysterectomy. While Michael eats a bunch of ice cream sandwiches, Dwight promises Angel that her dermatitis will be covered. Kevin has to come clean with his own embarrassing medical condition, which Dwight thought was fake. At the end of the day, everyone waits for Michael’s surprise, as well as to confront Michael for giving Dwight the job of picking the plan. He tells them it’s too late to pick a new one, so they’ll have to submit Dwight’s bad one to Jan. The employees still want to know about the surprise, so Michael tries to think of something, but he takes so long that they finally just leave. Oh, and then Dwight tells him he needs to call Jan.

PRANKS JIM AND PAM PLAY ON DWIGHT: Pam and Jim make up illnesses that they need covered by the company’s health insurance.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Jim: “Last night on Trading Spouses, there’s…have you seen it?”
Pam: “No. I have a life.”
Jim: “Interesting. What’s that like?”
Pam: “You should try it sometime.”
Jim: “Wow. But then who would watch my TV?”

“Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, uh, well, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.” - Jim

“In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.” - Dwight

Dwight: “Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”
Pam: “Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?”
Dwight: “So I can lower it.”

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