"Lord of the Pi’s"
Written by Diane Ruggiero; directed by Steve Gomer

A couple of guys playing Frisbee at Hearst come across an unconscious, almost-naked Chip with his head shaved. Veronica meets with the new newspaper editor, Wilson, who wants her to take photos at that night’s reception for the Hearst board of trustees. The next day, they’ll be voting on whether or not to keep sororities and fraternities on campus. Wilson tells Veronica that the most famous alum is Selma Hearst Rose, who is the granddaughter of Hearst’s founder and the heiress to the Hearst-Mart fortune. Rumor has it that Selma is the swing vote for the decision. Veronica is familiar with Selma because Lianne loved her; she had a poster of an infamous shot of Selma dumping her trust fund over Watts in the ‘70s. One of the Frisbee players arrives, hoping to sell a photo he took of Chip. That night, Veronica gets ready for the reception, but before she can leave, Logan arrives, not happy that Veronica has been ignoring the messages he’s left for her. He tells her that he wants her to stop her rape investigation, since the rapist obviously knows who she is now. Veronica finds this ironic, since it wasn’t too long ago that Logan wanted her to investigate so she could clear Mercer’s name (“Of Vice and Men”). The two start fighting, Logan saying that Veronica isn’t always right, and Keith interrupts them.

At the reception, Dean O’Dell chats with Selma, asking her which way she plans to vote, but Selma won’t spill. Later, when Dean O’Dell introduces her, she’s nowhere to be found. When the sheriff’s department arrives, Dean O’Dell tells Lamb that he thinks foul play is involved, but Lamb is skeptical. Unimpressed with him, Dean O’Dell asks Veronica if he can consult with Keith instead. Veronica calls him to let him know she’s bringing Dean O’Dell home, then senses someone watching her. At the Mars residence, Dean O’Dell tells Keith that Selma isn’t one to shy away from an audience, so disappearing before her introduction makes no sense. He adds that Selma’s husband is also scared about what might have happened to her. Dean O’Dell suspects that Selma has been kidnapped and asks Keith to find her. As Dean O’Dell is leaving, he tells Keith and Veronica that a board member saw Selma talking to a waitress as the intro was beginning. Keith assigns Veronica to talk to the waitress and caterer while he talks to the family. The next day, Veronica heads back to the reception room to talk to the caterer, who tells her that there was only one waitress working at the reception.

The waitress turns out to be Fern, who tells Veronica that she was just letting Selma know she had a phone call. Veronica notes that Selma was the swing vote in deciding the Greeks’ fate, and Fern thinks it’s ironic that Veronica, who cleared the Pi Sigs, is looking for that swing vote. She adds that the Pi Sigs have just kicked off SexQuest ‘06, the contest for points they were engaged in in “The Rapes of Graff.” Keith goes to Selma’s house, where he meets Brant, personal assistant to Selma’s husband. Brant tries to keep Keith from meeting with Budd, but the wheelchair-bound Budd interrupts them, wanting information on the investigation. Keith asks if Selma has been having any business problems, but Budd tells him she’s always had them. She always has to fight the board of Hearst-Mart for any changes she wants to make. As Keith is leaving, he spots two yipping Pomeranians in the guesthouse, then comes across a BMW that Brant tells him belongs to the dog-walker - who happens to go to Hearst. At the sheriff’s department, Lamb gets a call from a reporter looking for an update on the investigation. He doesn’t realize she’s Veronica until Keith accidentally picks up the phone. She does manage to learn that Selma didn’t receive a phone call before her disappearance.

Veronica tracks down Dick in the food court and confronts him about SexQuest ‘06. He brags that he already has all his points thanks to a girl named Bonnie Capistrano (Carlee Avers). Veronica wonders if SexQuest is connected to what happened to Chip. Dick spills that in addition to having his head shaved, Chip had a plastic Easter egg containing Roman numerals inserted in “his where-the-sun-don’t-shine place.” “Worst Easter egg hunt ever,” Veronica remarks. She asks what the numerals were, but Dick tells her, “It wasn’t a baby shower. We didn’t all sit around waiting for him to open the egg so we could see what he got.” However, she learns that it’s probably in the trash outside the frat house, assuming a homeless guy who’s regularly there hasn’t gotten to it already. Veronica tracks down Fern again and tells her that there’s no record of Selma receiving a call at the reception. Fern notes that the call could have come from another extension in the buildling. Veronica accuses her of putting the egg in Chip, but Fern doesn’t seem to know what she’s talking about. Veronica heads to the frat house with Dick, where she pays the homeless guy to retrieve the egg. Dick spots Bonnie leaving the house, having helped another frat guy get his points.

Keith goes back to Selma’s house, where her brother Roger tells him she’s fine and probably just “flaking out.” Keith thinks it’s strange that she disappeared when she did, but Roger thinks she just didn’t want to have to make the decision about the Greeks. He’s also thrilled because Hearst-Mart’s stock has gone up; it’s especially helpful to him because Selma wanted to deal with just American-made products and he didn’t. Roger tells Keith that Selma probably wants time away from Budd, since she’s gotten annoyed with him since the accident that left him in the wheelchair. He thinks she probably cares about her dogs more than her husband at this point. At the food court, Veronica and Wallace discuss the Roman numerals - CXI and CMIII - but Wallace can’t figure out what they signify. She finally decides that it’s a date, 11/19/03, which was almost exactly three years ago. That night, she checks out old issues of the newspaper in the library and finds an article about a girl named Patrice who fell off the roof of the Zeta Theta Beta (see “My Big Fat Greek Rush Week”) house. Veronica again senses someone watching her, but it’s just a janitor. The next morning, Keith presents her with the name and address of Selma’s dog walker - it’s Theta Beta sister Hallie.

Veronica finds Hallie on the sunbather-populated quad and confronts her about Selma’s disappearance. Hallie points the finger at Brant, saying that he’s in love with Budd. Veronica then asks her about Patrice, but Hallie says that no one did anything to her. The only other information she provides is that Karen had another round of chemo, thanks to money the sisters raised with a car wash. Veronica heads back to Mars Investigations, where Keith shares his suspicions of Roger. Veronica tells him that “Brant is the Smithers to Mr. Rose’s Monty Burns.” After realizing that Budd and Selma have been married for ten years, the two note that Budd may have done someone to Selma in order to get some of her money. Keith brings up the fact that Selma loves her dogs, and if Budd is trying to keep her hidden, she might cooperate more with them around. They head back to Selma’s house and find her in the guesthouse. She confesses that Budd wanted her to disappear after that anniversary because he found out about her lover. She has two days left and thinks they can stall Dean O’Dell from finding out where she is. Keith thinks that Budd wants Selma to disappear so that he can get more money from her buy-American plan. Selma reveals that her lover is Hallie, but now she’s leaving her for Budd. In response, Keith asks for one of her earrings.

At the food court, Veronica tells Wallace that he’s going to be an “eyewitness” to Selma’s “kidnapping.” They spot Chip, who’s being heckled by some other guys, and watch them get into a fight. Wallace tries to help a girl who gets in the way, but he gets himself hit in the process. Veronica grabs her taser and prepares to join the fight but is grabbed by one of Chip’s hecklers. She’s rescued and taken out of the food court by a huge guy who tells her that Logan hired him to keep an eye on her. Lamb and Sacks are visited by someone who claims to have seen Selma fighting with a Hearst student the night of her disappearance. It’s the homeless guy. As Lamb pulls Hallie’s car over, Veronica heads to the Neptune Grand to confront Logan for paying someone to follow her. He doesn’t see the problem, since he wanted to keep her safe, and they fight over the fact that she wants to change him but refuses to change herself. Logan tells Veronica he loves her and she replies that she loves him, too, but doesn’t sound completely sure. Lamb heads to Selma’s house to tell Budd that they found one of Selma’s earrings in Hallie’s car, as well as love letters from Budd on Hallie’s computer. He adds that Hallie told him to take a look in the guesthouse. At the sheriff’s department, Selma presents Budd with divorce papers.

In the reception room, Selma meets up with Keith and Dean O’Dell before she heads off to vote. She announces that she wants the Greeks out, which surprises and disappoints Dean O’Dell. Veronica runs into Hallie, who tells her that she loves Budd. Veronica doesn’t care and would rather have more information on Patrice. Hallie tells her to talk to Patrice’s best friend, since she just faked her rape. Veronica heads over to see Claire and asks what Chip had to do with Patrice’s fall from the roof. Claire, Fern, and Nish tell her that Patrice walked off the roof because she was tortured in the secret room (see “My Big Fat Greek Rush Week”) - her flaws were circled while Pi Sigs watched. Veronica thinks this is a motivation for someone to fake a rape - possibly a series of them. She notes that no forensic evidence was found on any of the rape victims. Nish replies that the Pi Sigs would be gone if Veronica hadn’t cleared their names. Veronica doesn’t like her sense of moral superiority since they’ve already proven that Claire faked being raped. Back at the food court, Veronica ignores a call from Logan, who is watching from nearby.


THE TITLE IS A PLAY ON...: The book Lord of the Flies.

THE RAPE CASE: All of the rapes may have been faked in order to make up for what happened to Patrice.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Logan: “No more putting your nose where it doesn’t belong.”
Veronica: “My nose kind of belongs wherever I decide to put it.”

Veronica: “Mind if I take a quick shot for the Hearst Free Press?”
Dean O’Dell: “Which one of my good sides do you want?”
Selma: “I’m guessing the one without the trail of Thousand Island.”

Lamb: “Dollars to donuts, you’ll find her sobbing into a mojito at the club because she lost an earring.”
Dean O’Dell: “Well, you’d be the donut expert.”

“The sheriff is an idiot. I’ve met smarter sandwiches.” - Dean O’Dell

Veronica: (climbing the gate at Selma’s house) “This is just like that time we went to Disneyland! If I have another altercation with Snow White and her disapproving dwarfs, you’re taking Sneezy this time.”
Keith: “Okay.”
Veronica: (a la The Bionic Woman) “Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na! The park is closed. The walrus out front should have told you.”

Selma: “Have you ever been a walking punch line, Mr. Mars? I mean, on a national scale?”
Keith: “Actually….”

Veronica: “You know who I am! You know what I do.”
Logan: “And?”
Veronica: “And…it isn’t gonna change. And if you can’t accept that, this isn’t gonna work.”
Logan: “You know who I am. And you’re constantly expecting me to change. And even right now, as you’re thinking, ‘Crap, he’s got a point,’ you still think you’re ultimately right.”

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