"Office Olympics"
Written by Michael Schur; directed by Paul Feig

Michael is in his office early and has gotten Ryan to come in early as well to bring him breakfast. Ryan isn’t thrilled and goes out to sleep in his car until work starts. Later, Michael interviews (with Dwight in his office) that today he’ll become a homeowner. Elsewhere in the office, Jim pretends to die of boredom, which cracks Pam up. She “revives” him by introducing him to her game of throwing stuff in Dwight’s coffee mug. Dwight asks Michael if he can tag along when he signs the papers for his new condo, but Michael doesn’t want him to come. Michael finally gives in but refuses to call Dwight his associate. He tells Pam to have everyone work on expense reports while they’re gone. He makes sure Pam had all his magazines forwarded to his new address (though he tries to downplay the fact that he reads Cracked.)

In Michael’s car, Dwight puts the top down but Michael doesn’t seem to want to be seen in public with him. At the office, Kevin and Oscar play a paper football game and Jim spots their scoreboard, realizing that they play it all the time. Jim joins the game and Kevin tells him that they call it Hateball “because of how much Angela hates it.” They also sometimes try to see who can fit the most M&Ms in his mouth (though Angela notes that only Kevin does that). Oscar suggests that Jim ask Toby to teach him Dunder Ball. Michael and Dwight stand in the street outside Michael’s new condo, which he talks about enjoying until he’s a grandfather. Then he realizes he’s looking at the wrong condo. Toby and Jim play Dunder Ball, making Jim realize what sound he hears from Toby’s area all day.

Inside the condo, Michael’s real estate agent, Carol (Nancy Walls), introduces him and Dwight to Bill, the head of the homeowners association. Dwight starts criticizing the place, then tells the camera about his family’s beet farm. Dwight asks questions about the neighborhood and Bill assures him and a clueless Michael that the neighborhood is gay-friendly. Jim asks Stanley if he has any office games, but Stanley would rather work. Michael shows off his new master bedroom and picks a spot for his plasma TV. Dwight doesn’t think it’s a good spot because it’s a shared wall, and if a neighbor throws his wife against the wall, the TV will fall off. The walls are also thin, as Michael learns when he hears a neighbor practicing a musical instrument.

Back at the office, Jim, Pam, Kevin, Toby, Kelly, and Oscar kick off the First Dunder Mifflin Olympics by hanging up a banner and lighting a candle from the men’s room (it smells like cookies). Pam has made medals out of yogurt lids and paper clips. Angela makes it known that she doesn’t approve of these activities, then interviews that she plays games, just not at work. At the condo, Michael starts to sign the papers for the condo (which will lock him into a 30-year mortgage) and has a panic attack. Dwight doesn’t help things by telling him that he’ll be very old when he finishes paying it off. “Look, carpenter ants!” he exclaims. Dwight interviews that Michael is basically buying himself a coffin. Michael has to take a break out on the patio.

At the office, other employees, including Creed (Creed Bratton) and Meredith, join the festivities as Jim and Pam introduce the first game, the Islandic paper-snowshoe-racing sport of Flonkerton. Pam interviews that when Jim is really excited about something, he gets really into it, but of course, he doesn’t get excited about a lot of stuff because he works at Dunder Mifflin. Kevin and Phyllis become the first Flonkerton racers. At the condo, Michael starts to have second thoughts, challenging Carol because she told him there would be a lot of hot people in the neighborhood. He interviews that you should never be the most attractive person in the area because “you got no place to go but down.” Carol suggests that he rent out his third bedroom if money is a problem. She then tells him that if he doesn’t sign, he’ll be losing $7,000. This seals the deal for him.

Phyllis wins the Flonkerton race and gets herself a gold medal. Later, Kevin plays the M&M game and wins a gold because no one bothers to challenge him. At the condo, Michael tells Dwight that as a thank-you for helping him, he’s going to let Dwight rent out the third bedroom. Dwight immediately has questions about where to put his terrarium and collection of armoires. At the water cooler, as even Stanley starts to participate in the Olympics, Pam asks Angela if she plays any games in the office. Angela tells her that she plays Pam Pong - she counts the number of times Jim gets up and goes to talk to her. “We’re friends,” Pam says. “Apparently,” Angela replies. At the condo, Dwight keeps asking questions until Michael finally takes back his offer. Dwight interviews that he’s relieved because he has a nine-bedroom farmhouse all to himself. (Though he would have liked to have two bathrooms.)

At the office, the employees stand around outside an elevator, betting on who will be the next person to emerge. It’s someone from Vance Refrigeration, so Ryan wins. Pam shows Jim the paper doves she’s made for the closing ceremonies and he tells her how appreciative he is. Pam spots Angela making a note on a piece of paper. On the way back to the office, Dwight talks to Michael about refinancing his mortgage. Michael takes out his frustration on him by insulting his beet farm. They arrive back at the office as Oscar and Toby are finishing up racing while holding cups of coffee. The game quickly ends and everyone scatters, though Jim wants to keep going. Unfortunately, Dwight wants his stopwatch back, so Jim has to give it up.

As everyone gets back to work, Jim interviews that he finished up all of his tasks before lunch, so today was just as productive as usual, if not more so. Pam catches Ryan throwing his medal away, but he doesn’t feel too bad about it. Jim tells Pam that at 5:00, they’ll have their closing ceremonies. He then goes to Michael and congratulates him on his new condo. He invites him out to the general area, where they hold the closing ceremonies with Michael, Dwight, and Jim on podiums. They play the National Anthem and Pam gets to display her paper doves. Michael is especially touched, and Jim and Pam are happy with themselves and each other.

WELCOME TO DUNDER MIFFLIN: Carol, Creed

PRANKS JIM AND PAM PLAY ON DWIGHT: Both throw things into Dwight’s coffee mug.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “I have been Michael’s number-two guy for about five years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic, famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.” - Dwight

Oscar: “Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael’s out.”
Jim: “Really?”
Kevin: “Or when we’re bored.”
Jim: “…Wait, this goes back two years!”
Kevin: “We’re bored a lot.”

Jim: “You got any games?”
Stanley: “Yeah, I got a game. It’s called work hard so my kids can go to college.”
Jim: “Fair enough.”

“A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” - Dwight

Jim: “Gold medal in Flurninton.”
Pam: “Flonkerton.”
Jim: “Yes, thank you, delegate from Iceland.”

“Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Uh, I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back with $500, plus utilities.” - Michael

“Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.” - Michael


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