"Drug Testing"
Written by Jennifer Celotta; directed by Greg Daniels

Dwight is wearing his volunteer sheriff’s deputy uniform and conducting some interrogations in the office because the day before, he found half a joint in the parking lot. (He outlined it in chalk and put orange cones around it.) Dwight questions Kevin, who doesn’t seem to realize that he possesses some of the symptoms of people who use drugs. Dwight interviews that he likes his coworkers, for the most part, but he didn’t become a volunteer deputy to make friends (which is good, since he hasn’t). In the break room, Jim cracks Pam up with an impersonation of Stanley. In the conference room, Kelly tells Dwight about a party she and Ryan went to where she had some beer. Dwight doesn’t care and reminds her that she could be in trouble because drugs were found on company property. Later, Dwight tells Ryan he didn’t know he was at a party over the weekend. Ryan says he goes to a lot of parties, so Dwight wants to search his car. Ryan refuses to hand over his keys, so Dwight runs through the steps of what he’ll have to do to get a warrant to search his car. Ryan would like to do things that way.

Michael tries to get Dwight to calm down, but Dwight says it’s his job to investigate. Jim reminds him that he’s actually a volunteer. Michael calls him a narc, but Dwight considers that a compliment. Michael tries to do an impersonation of a stoner, but Jim kills it. Ryan interviews that he’s not sure Michael has ever done drugs because probably no one has ever offered him any. As Oscar waits in the conference room, Dwight interviews that Oscar visited Mexico when he was five, so he could be a drug mule. Oscar won’t put up with more than a couple of questions, but Dwight notices that he left pretty quickly. Later, Dwight does some crime-scene stuff, then shows Phyllis a picture of marijuana and asks her if she knows what it is. She does, since the picture is labeled. Creed knows what it is, too - in fact, he knows the plant genus. Jim turns the tables on Dwight during his interrogation, noting that Dwight could have smoked pot and forgotten.

In the kitchen, Oscar asks Jim to do his Stanley impersonation. He does so just as Stanley enters and remarks that he doesn’t think it’s funny. After he leaves, Jim and Pam both impersonate him at the same time. Pam calls jinx and makes Jim buy her a Coke before he can talk. Except there are no Cokes in the machine, so Jim still isn’t allowed to talk. In the conference room, Dwight pretends to interrogate Angela so people won’t suspect that he’s giving her any favorable treatment. Later, Dwight calls in some drug testers, telling everyone that tests are company policy if drugs are found on the property. Michael is nervous and interviews that he went to an Alicia Keys concert a couple of nights ago and smoked a clove cigarette someone gave him. He cancels the drug testing, announcing that he’ll give everyone a visual inspection instead, but Dwight says they have to do urine testing. He asks everyone what prescription drugs they’re taking and seems to ferret out that Angela is on birth control.

In the break room, Kelly talks Jim’s ear off but he’s unable to do anything about it. Pam arrives and gets to bask in the moment. Everyone gathers in the conference room and Michael says that obviously someone think drugs are something to laugh about. The others note that Michael was the only one laughing and making fun of Dwight. Michael tells them that was a test and no one stood up for Dwight, so they all failed. He has everyone take a look to his or her left or right, noting that one of those people will die from drug use. He lists a bunch of drugs and Toby notes that one, hookah, isn’t illegal. Michael asks Pam to take notes (she doesn’t have anything to write on or with) and says that he wants Toby’s hair and blood tested. Toby protests that that’s not something he can do, so Michael pretends to select him randomly for a random drug test.

Michael asks someone to volunteer to tell everyone about a tragic experience with a drug. Pam volunteers Jim, who gets out of it by fake crying, something that impresses Pam. Michael announces that since he seems to hate drugs more than everyone else does, he’s going to exempt himself from drug testing. As a drug tester sets up in the break room, Michael asks Dwight for his urine because he can’t provide his own. Dwight reluctantly decides to give in, but Angela won’t support his decision. In the break room, Ryan asks the drug tester about job possibilities, since he’s not sure testing urine would be any worse than what he does every day at Dunder Mifflin. As Dwight continues to ponder his decision, he interviews that when he was younger, he and his father would play a lot of games. Sometimes his father would cheat, but Dwight didn’t find out until he was older. In the kitchen, Pam teases Jim, telling him he can tell her anything, but both seem to realize there’s a lot of subtext to that.

As Dwight leaves work, Kevin asks the drug tester for a magazine to read while he gives his sample. Dwight returns to work, where Michael thanks him for his urine, which passed. Dwight tells him he turned in his volunteer deputy’s uniform because he broke his oath. Pam gives Jim a Coke and tells him to buy it from her because she’s tired of not being able to talk to him. He buys the Coke and they head to the break room to chat. Michael takes Dwight to another part of the building and tells him he’s making him the official security supervisor of the Scranton branch. Dwight is happy because he’s always thought the security there sucked. A security guard swears Dwight in and gives him a fake badge, though what Dwight really wants is a gun. Dwight asks how many orange cones the security department has; he’s displeased to learn it’s only two. Jim interviews that the day was crazy, what with Dwight wearing his deputy uniform and carrying around Michael’s urine. He’s not sure why Dwight does what he does for Michael, but he doesn’t realize that he does the same sorts of crazy things for Pam.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “As it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.” - Jim

“I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.” - Dwight

Jim: “I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you.”
Dwight: “That’s ridiculous. Of course it wasn’t me.”
Jim: “Marijuana is a memory-loss drug. So maybe you just don’t remember.”
Dwight: “I would remember.”
Jim: “Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?”
Dwight: “That’s not how it works.”
Jim: “Now, how do you know how it works?”
Dwight: “Knock it off, okay? Now I’m interviewing you.”
Jim: “No, you said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?”

“My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it.” - Dwight


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