"Dead Uncles and Vegetables"
Written by Daniel Palladino; directed by Jamie Babbit

Lorelai runs to answer the phone at home, then changes her mind when she hears Emily on the answering machine. Emily complains about having to talk to a machine and hangs up. She calls again not long after to remind Lorelai that she has a DAR meeting on Tuesday. Emily calls a third time to complain about Lorelai’s annoying outgoing message. Lorelai dreams of a world where she doesn’t have ears. At the end, Emily tastes soups. Lorelai criticizes her for saying that she’ll have to taste each three times to really get a good judgment. Sookie agrees and Lorelai calls her a traitor. Emily says that the women in her DAR group are picky. She wants Lorelai’s full attention for this, but Lorelai has other things she needs to take care of. She thinks she’s already giving her enough attention, since most people only taste eight different soups in preparation for a wedding. Sookie tries to give her input, mentioning Jackson and their engagement (see “A-Tisket, A-Tasket”). Sookie and Lorelai discuss bridesmaid dresses, which Lorelai wants to design so that Sookie doesn’t pick out ones that Lorelai secretly hates. Luke calls and Lorelai heads off to talk to him while Emily asks Sookie for details on her wedding. She offers to help her find a good string ensemble for the ceremony.

Luke and Lorelai make small talk on the phone; he dropped some eggs and she and Michel are planning to go play tetherball, since things are slow at the inn. Luke says that he needs nine rooms for a couple of days because he has some family coming into town for a funeral - his uncle Louie died. Lorelai gives her condolences but Luke assures her that he died peacefully. She offers to come over and help with anything else he needs, but he’s okay. Before he hangs up, he tells her that “that French guy’s a putz.” Lorelai replies that he knows that. Later, Lorelai and Rory lament Louie’s passing and wonder how upset Luke is. At the diner, Luke is trying to talk on the phone while his customers bug him for things. Rory and Lorelai help serve food and Lorelai suggests that Luke number his tables, since they do that in all other restaurants. Rory and Lorelai call each other by old lady waitress names. Lorelai tells Luke that they’re running out of coffee and assures him that she can make more, since she’s the love child of Juan Valdez and Mrs. Folger. Rory heads upstairs to get Jess while Luke complains that Lorelai’s coffee is too strong. Rory demands that Jess come downstairs and help Luke, which he reluctantly does. Kirk asks for more Equal for his coffee; Lorelai accuses him of squirreling it away. He says he’ll use them all in his coffee and she tries to call his bluff by dumping a bunch in.

Luke tells Lorelai that he’s on the phone with the Florida mortuary that’s currently holding his uncle’s body. He wants the body brought back to Stars Hollow because Luke’s father wanted his brother buried next to him. Luke wants to fulfill his father’s wishes of giving Louie a nice, respectable funeral. Louie is a war veteran, so the town’s Revolutionary War reenactors will be doing their thing, much to Luke’s chagrin. Luke heads off to get a coffin and Lorelai promises that she’ll take care of the diner, adding that she’ll number all of the tables. She also threatens to rearrange all of the furniture. At Doose’s Market, a customer who can’t find what she’s looking for tells Taylor that she’ll just go across the street. He’s shocked to discover that troubadour #2 (see “Love, Daisies, and Troubadours”) has opened a farmer’s market. He’s also shocked that Miss Patty is shopping there. Troubadour #2 assures Taylor that he went through the proper channels to set up the produce stand. Taylor feels sick and wants to lie down. At the inn, Michel notices that Lorelai has set aside nine rooms without any identifying information. She explains that they’re for Luke and he wonders if there’s a French fry convention or milkshake symposium. Lorelai tries to shut him up.

Emily arrives and announces that she’s there to see Sookie. Sookie is currently raving over a sample place setting from a company Emily got her in touch with. Lorelai reminds Sookie that she wanted to keep things simple for the wedding and asks how Emily got involved. Sookie says that Emily is just trying to help. Lorelai reminds her how expensive weddings can be and Sookie says that she’s just sampling things. Lorelai warns that she’s entered Emilyland, wherein everything is expensive and showy. Lorelai leaves to help out at the diner again as Emily freaks out about fingerprints on glasses. At Luke’s, Rory catches Taylor mumbling about vegetables. Lorelai tries to get a customer to order scrambled eggs on toast so she can say, “Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck ‘em.” Taylor spots Babette and Miss Patty with produce and freaks out. Kirk arrives and Lorelai convinces him to get a hamburger and ice cream so she can use more diner lingo. Troubadour #2 comes in and speaks diner with Lorelai. He talks about how much business he’s doing. Taylor brags that he’s well-groomed and has staff, so he can take a break. Kirk notes that Taylor’s business is pretty much dead. Taylor denies that anything’s wrong.

Lorelai takes Luke some food upstairs and he tells her that none of his relatives are coming to Louie’s funeral. They also all gave pretty lame excuses for why they couldn’t come. Luke is upset, because it’s proper to pay respects to a family member who has died. Lorelai says that if they don’t want to be there, Luke shouldn’t want them to come. He notes that his father wanted them to come. Lorelai replies that Louie lived in Stars Hollow for a long time, so a lot of people from the town will come to the funeral. Rory pops in to tell Lorelai that Jackson is outside and wants to talk to her. She ask where Jess is and Luke says that he’s probably out playing basketball. “That little punk,” Rory comments. Downstairs, Lorelai loses her concentration and can’t talk diner anymore. She meets up with Jackson, who laments that his and Sookie’s small, simple wedding has now turned into a massive event, thanks to Emily. Sookie and Emily are currently measuring the town. They’ve also drawn diagrams and want to move the gazebo. Lorelai says that Sookie is Patty Hearst and Emily is the SLA. Rory returns, forcing Jess back into the diner.

Taylor leads a town meeting, designated next Tuesday Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harry’s House of Twinkle Lights Day, in honor of Harry’s retirement. Rory and Lorelai arrive late and Luke asks to be kept out of any bantering Lorelai does with Taylor. He tells the girls about Harry’s retirement and they wonder where they’re supposed to get their twinkle lights now. Rory wonders why Jess is there and Lorelai is surprised that Luke had time to come. He says that he needs to get the war reenactors to confirm that they’ll be at Louie’s funeral. Taylor passes his gavel to Miss Patty (which Lorelai finds dirty) so that they can discuss the matter of the produce stand. Taylor demands to see troubadour #2’s permit, which he produces, but which turns out to be for a cart, kiosk, or cart/kiosk, which he doesn’t have. Troubadour #2 says that he’s within the confines, but Taylor says that he has to roll his business out every night and troubadour #2 carries his. The townies think that Taylor is making things personal and possibly going crazy. Taylor asks for troubadour #1’s support, but he’s not a Taylor fan anymore. Taylor gets everyone to agree that they wouldn’t want to be replaced by troubadour #2, but Miss Patty ends the meeting.

Luke tries to catch up to Taylor as Rory tells Jess that he should go clean up the diner. Luke asks the reenactors if they’re coming to the funeral, but they tell him that they don’t want to because they hated him. Apparently he hit on one guy’s wife a bunch and kicked Kirk’s dog. Luke thinks that Louie deserves a veteran’s funeral, but Taylor says that he never participated in town functions and threw things at the reenactors. The reenactors think that Luke is a lot like Louie, since they’re both loners and hotheads. At the inn, Sookie downloads wedding stuff from Prague - color samples of big ceramic stands for giant papier-mâché mushrooms, which midgets dressed as angels will dance under. Lorelai realizes that things have gone way too far and asks Sookie if she knows how much everything will cost. Sookie says that Emily is getting her discounts on everything, but Lorelai points out that she’ll still be spending a lot. She adds that all of this stuff isn’t Sookie and Jackson’s taste. Sookie learns that Jackson talked to Lorelai and is upset. She realizes that Lorelai is right and heads off to tell Jackson that she’s changing everything back to their original plans. First, though she has to cancel everything she’s ordered from international locations. She’s hoping the acrobats she booked from Hong Kong can get another gig.

Lorelai heads to the funeral home, where Luke complains that the casket won’t close because of all of the stuff Louie wanted to be buried with. Lorelai suggests bungee cords or getting a bunch of people to sit on the lid. Luke finally gives up, saying that Louie was a jerk and doesn’t deserve any of this respect. He’s even selfish in death, since he wants to be buried with a bunch of baseball cards that other people would love to have. He suggests just digging a big hole and tossing the casket in. Back at the diner, a customer asks for the woman who was spouting diner talk earlier. Jess heads upstairs and Rory thanks him “for doing the very least [he] could possibly do.” Luke returns and announces to Lorelai that he found a Big and Tall Casket Shop in Hartford, so Louie is set. He’s not sure why he’s doing this; Lorelai reminds him that it’s for his father. She thinks that he watches Luke all the time and is happy with what he sees. Luke heads upstairs to change so that Lorelai doesn’t have to be a waitress anymore. She’s having fun and tells him that she invented the Lucky Duck Cluck - foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting. Emily shows up and reports that Sookie fired her. She doesn’t understand why Lorelai thinks she’s crazy. Lorelai tells her that she wasn’t planning Sookie’s wedding, she was really planning the wedding Lorelai never had.

Emily admits that Lorelai’s wedding would have looked completely different and describes things that Lorelai doesn’t think are her. (The theme would be winter in Russia, like the Romanovs, but it makes Lorelai think of a firing squad.) Emily thinks that Lorelai will get married in the diner, anyway, since she’s obviously in love with Luke. Lorelai protests too much. Luke and Lorelai wind up being the only two at Louie’s funeral (other than the minister). Luke makes it known that no one liked Louie and Lorelai tries to get him to be respectful. Luke thanks Lorelai for coming, then asks if she thinks this is how he’s going to end up. She says that he’s not Louie, since Louie never built anyone a chuppah (see “Red Light on a Wedding Night”) or fixed things around someone else’s house or made coffee cake for a teenager’s birthday (see “Rory’s Birthday Parties”). He also never would have taken in his sister’s son with no notice (see “Nick and Nora/Sid and Nancy”), though Luke notes that no one would have trusted Louie with a kid. Suddenly, the two of them spot the reenactors, who give their salute. Lorelai is pleased that this is what Luke’s father would have wanted. Luke notes that Louie would have hated it; Lorelai says that’s just a fringe benefit.

Luke and Lorelai head back to the diner, discussing whether it would be possibly for Luke’s father to kick Louie’s butt if they were in Heaven. In the diner, they discover a ton of people and Rory explains that it’s kind of like a wake. Rory and Lorelai are both surprised, since neither set it up. Lorelai tells Luke that it’s more for him than Louie, since people like him. Troubadour #2 notes that Taylor is eating the vegetables he brought. He tells Taylor that he’s packed up and has sold all of his produce. He’s planning to go to Israel to spread vegetables and peace. Taylor asks why he put him through all of the trouble at the town meeting, but troubadour #2 says that Taylor put himself through that. Rory thanks Jess for setting up the wake, but he says that it was actually “the crazy ballet teacher.” Rory notes that he unlocked the door for everyone, so he did do something nice. She says that he’s officially part of the town and she’ll see him for some tree-planting at the Arbor Day festival. Elsewhere in the diner, a townie tells a story about Louie stealing candy from a trick-or-treating. Kirk claims that he never trick-or-treated again. Miss Patty and Babette join in the reminiscing.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Emily: “Do you know how annoying it is?”
Lorelai: “I think I have a standard against which to measure it.”

“I forgot his name from the desk to here; that’s how memorable he is.” - Michel, re: Luke

Sookie: (re: Lorelai) “She’s the stablest person I know.”
Emily: “That’s very sad.”

Kirk: “Mine’s a quarter caf.”
Lorelai: “Huh?”
Kirk: “Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.”
Lorelai: “I four-fourths don’t care.”

Luke: “Not everybody likes it that strong.”
Lorelai: “Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah’s coffee girl.”

Miss Patty: “Oh, hi, Taylor, how are you?”
Taylor: “You mean not counting the knife sticking in my back?”
Miss Patty: “Oh, sure, honey, whatever.”

(re: a tape measure) “Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It’s platinum with gold leaf - it costs more than my car!” - Jackson

Taylor: “Late again, are we?”
Lorelai: “Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!”
Taylor: “What?”
Lorelai: “Are these seats taken?”
Luke: “Don’t drag me into this.”
Taylor: “You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.”
Lorelai: “Uh, dirty!”

Rory: “What are you doing here, anyhow? This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town.”
Jess: “Well, Corky’s Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted, so I thought I’d check out the next best thing.”

Lorelai: “It’s repetitive.”
Rory: “And redundant.”
Lorelai: “It’s repetitive.”
Rory: “And redundant.”
Lorelai: “We certainly are entertaining, Mac.”
Rory: “Indubitably, Tosh.”

Emily: “What do you think of the Romanovs?”
Luke: “They probably had it coming.”
Emily: “A match made in Heaven.”


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