"Last Week Fights, This Week Tights"
Written by Daniel Palladino; directed by Chris Long

Miss Patty tries to organize children to dance around a maypole as Kirk heckles from nearby. Miss Patty explains to Lorelai that he’s mad because she bumped him from being the dance captain. Lorelai notes that Kirk already has a bunch of jobs, then advises him to ease up a little on Miss Patty. Kirk is still bitter, but she reminds him that Miss Patty beat him up once, so he agrees to back off. Nearby, Jess appears to be reading a magazine but is actually reading one of Luke’s self-help books (see “Luke Can See Her Face”). At the Dragonfly, Jackson and Sookie bicker about radishes, which Sookie thinks are small enough to stick up Davey’s nose. After Jackson leaves, Sookie tells Lorelai that it felt good to argue like that about vegetables. Rory calls Lorelai to complain about how happy her fellow students who are happy to be done with finals (she still has one left). Lorelai mentions that Jess is in town for Liz and T.J.’s wedding (see “Luke Can See her Face”) and she just wants to know if Rory wants her to tell her when she sees him. Rory agrees to accept reports of memorable sightings. Lorelai suddenly realizes that one of the horses has escaped from the barn and is in the dining room; Michel doesn’t seem to care. Lorelai has to tell him and Sookie that the next time anything non-human is in the inn, they need to do something about it. “If we had heard the rule before, I would have done something,” Michel says.

Rory wishes Glenn a good summer, then meets Tana’s boyfriend Chester. He’s lost a bet and has to speak in clichés all day; Tana is enjoying it. Janet tells Rory that they’ve combined everyone’s alcohol in a bowl and there’s a cup for her. Paris says an emotional goodbye to Janet, who can’t believe that Paris is actually sad to see her go. Tana shows Paris and Rory a collage she’s made, which mostly includes people with their boyfriends (except Rory, who’s still single). Paris warns that people will talk about Rory because she doesn’t get out enough. Rory replies that Paris isn’t the sort of person who defines girls by whether or not they have boyfriends. Paris offers her the phone number of Asher’s son Leonard, not wanting her to be alone all summer. Rory declines, which is probably for the best, since Leonard is old enough to have kids. Lane and her bandmates are scrutinizing the phone bill at their apartment when Lane’s aunt Jun arrives to set up a visit for Mrs. Kim. Rory packs up her things at Yale (drinking the alcohol concoction) and gets a visit from Emily, who seems to want to set her up with a classmate named Graham. (Veronica Mars fans: Graham is played by Teddy Dunn, aka Duncan Kane.) Rory agrees to go out with Graham and his friends that night. He helps her pack a little, then leaves his phone number on the paper that already contains Leonard’s number.

Luke and Jess get ready for the wedding in Luke’s apartment, discussing old shoe polish. T.J. wonders why Luke wouldn’t have a full-length mirror in his place. He’s enjoying the tights he’s wearing as part of his Renaissance outfit. Luke greets Lorelai as she arrives outside and they compliment each other. As they head towards the wedding location, Luke asks Lorelai to help keep him from laughing. The two run into “Crazy” Carrie, who flirts with Luke and tells him she wants to dance with him. Lorelai learns that Liz’s dress has ripped and decides to go over to Miss Patty’s to help her mend it. “Carrie found the guy with the codpiece. That will keep her occupied,” she notes. Over at the studio, a nervous Liz asks Lorelai what her wedding was like; Lorelai tells her that she’s never gotten married but she might want to, if she meets the right guy. Jess arrives and Liz learns that he dated Rory; she assumes that he broke her heart. Lorelai fixes the dress and Liz sends her back to Luke. On her way out, Lorelai spots one of the self-help books in Jess’ bag. The wedding begins and Luke and Lorelai give some commentary as T.J. continues raving about his tights. The minister sings and Lorelai and Luke try to keep straight faces by thinking of things that aren’t funny. They are, however, touched by Liz and T.J.’s heartfelt words to each other.

Mrs. Kim drops by Lane’s apartment, where Zach and Brian are prepared to make a good impression. Mrs. Kim is shocked by the band’s living conditions and the fact that her daughter is living with two guys. She heads to the wedding reception and uses sentence fragments to tell Lorelai what’s going on. Lorelai notes that Lane could have hidden everything from her mother, but Mrs. Kim kind of wishes she had. Lorelai says that the guys are harmless and Mrs. Kim should just pretend they’re girls. Mrs. Kim seems to be willing to try this. Luke and Lorelai spot Jess stuck in a conversation with an ex-con; Luke comments that Jess will be okay. Liz thanks Lorelai and Luke for saving her wedding day, then makes Jess promise to say goodbye before he leaves. Lorelai tells Luke that she saw the self-help book in Jess’ bag; she tells him that she finds this bizarre and she can’t believe Luke isn’t mocking the book as well. Luke defends Jess’ right to read whatever he wants to read. Out with Graham and his friends, Rory quickly gets bored and decides not to tag along for a pub crawl. Stuck without money or a ride, Rory places a phone call. Mrs. Kim returns to the apartment and quickly starts fixing things: “This, we’ll clean up. Window will be fixed. Temporary fridge. You two are girls.” At the wedding reception, Luke apologizes to Lorelai for getting defensive and she notes that maybe Jess is trying to become a better person. They wind up dancing with each other.

Dean arrives at the bar where Rory is stranded and she fills him in on her horrible evening. They learn that her companions had a tab at the bar and start ordering food. Back in Stars Hollow, Luke walks Lorelai home and they reminisce about the wedding and reception. Lorelai admits that she was impressed by Luke’s dancing skills. Luke suggests that they get together again sometime and they make tentative plans to see a movie. Luke heads home, where Jess is waiting for him so he can say goodbye. Jess wants to pay back all of the money Luke has given him; he adds that he appreciates everything Luke has done for him. They share a little self-help talk with each other. Dean takes Rory back to Yale, where she shows him one of her classrooms. They head to Rory’s dorm, talking about how they enjoyed the evening. Rory finally asks about Lindsay and Dean admits that she doesn’t know exactly where he is, but it doesn’t matter. Before he can elaborate, Jess appears and tries to get Rory to talk to him. Rory tells Dean to leave, then asks Jess why he won’t leave her alone. He asks her to go off with him, trying to talk her into building a life with him. Rory protests a number of times until he tells her to only say “no” if she really doesn’t want to be with him. “No!” Rory says forcefully. Jess finally leaves.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “I don’t call that a maypole. I’d call that a maybe-not pole.” - Kirk

Jess: “Maybe it’s time you put a shirt on.”
T.J.: “Why, am I getting you hot?”

Liz: “Now, go on, Luke’s waiting. Unless my friend Carrie suffocated him with her boobs.”
Lorelai: “Well, that would be festive.”

“She stood in that room with two boys. I didn’t stand alone in a room with two boys until I was - I’ve never done that.” - Mrs. Kim, re: Lane

“Hope ye took much pleasure in Kajagoogoo. Methinks Oingo Boingo wilst soon makest an appearance. But first, please clear the floor for our happy couple…eth.” - Kirk, playing DJ at the wedding reception

Lorelai: “So hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.”
Luke: “There were a few.”
Lorelai: “Uh, T.J. throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz’s garter? You ducked well, by the way.”
Luke: “Pure self-defense.”
Lorelai: “Ooh, the choking guy being Heimliched by the court jester?”
Luke: “That was good.”
Lorelai: “Or - or, um, the minister making out with crazy Carrie? T.J.’s brother making out with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out with crazy Carrie? Who was that guy?”
Luke: “I think that was her husband.”

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