"Michael’s Birthday"
Written by Gene Supnitsky and Lee Eisenberg; directed by Ken Whittingham

Someone named Phil has recruited Michael to sell calling cards with the Puerto Rican flag on them, so he’s distributing them around the office for his employees to sell. Ryan isn’t sure who actually uses calling cards anymore, and Oscar thinks it’s a get-rich-quick scheme. Michael thinks that sounds fine. Toby reminds him of the last scheme he fell for, an e-mail fraud. Jim asks how this isn’t a pyramid scheme, so Michael makes him a diagram to show how the idea works. Jim draws a triangle around it and Michael leaves to make a call. In the morning, Michael arrives for work and Pam wishes him a happy birthday. He interviews that people in the office go crazy for his birthday. In the break room, Kevin is anxiously awaiting some sort of news. Dwight goes to Michael’s office to give him a birthday hug, but Michael tells him to stay away so he doesn’t mess up his suit. Dwight asks if he can be in charge of planning the festivities for Michael’s birthday party, but there’s already a committee working on it.

Dwight visits the committee (Pam, Phyllis, and Angela) and tells them that Michael wants trick candles for his cake. He also hands over a list of things Michael would like to be surprised by, including a strippergram from an unknown person at an unknown time. Angela and Dwight exchange looks until Angela wins and Dwight leaves. Jan calls and Michael wishes her a happy birthday, making sure she knows it’s actually his birthday. She asks if she’s on camera and he tells her she’s not, so she can tell him whatever she wants to say. Instead, she hangs up. Later, Michael hangs out in the kitchen with donuts, telling Stanley someone brought them for his birthday so Stanley will have to wish him a happy birthday. At Kevin’s desk, Kevin talks to Jim and Kelly about the possibility that he has skin cancer. Kelly’s only point of reference is an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Michael tries the donut trick with Toby, who forgot it was Michael’s birthday. Michael replies that in that case, he forgot to give Toby a donut.

Oscar tries to comfort Kevin, but Angela is more realistic. A woman arrives to deliver a package and Michael assumes that she’s the stripper. Of course, she’s a real deliverywoman. Michael interviews that his worst birthday was his seventh, when he got a rash from a pony and never got to ride it. Dwight serenades Michael with “For the Longest Time” on his recorder, but Michael isn’t pleased with the song or with the way his birthday is going, since no one has signed his birthday poster. Pam and Jim discuss Kevin, and Pam interviews that if she knew she only had a week to live, she’d travel to a bunch of places. At 11:23, Dwight notifies Michael that it’s the exact moment he was born, then tries to hoist him up on a chair to celebrate. Still in the kitchen, Jim and Pam discuss sneaking out for a while to go get something for Kevin to cheer him up. The others lift Michael and he hits his head on the ceiling.

Later, lunch is delivered and Dwight pays the delivery guy in exact change without tipping him since he’s doing a job Dwight could do himself. However, Michael only got one kind of sandwich and no one wants them. He interviews that his worst birthday was actually his 16th, when he was supposed to go out with a girl who thought he was someone else. While Pam and Jim shop for some of Kevin’s favorite things, Dwight tries to help Angela with Michael’s cake, but she doesn’t want his help. He finally convinces her to let him do something for Michael on “the most important day of the year.” Ryan is horrified to catch on to their relationship when they discuss some sort of cookie euphemism. At the store, Jim buys fabric softener and Pam teases him about it. Back at the office, the employees sing “Happy Birthday to You” but are interrupted when Kevin gets a call from his fiancée, who wants to know if he’s gotten his test results yet.

Michael is disappointed to realize that he doesn’t have trick candles. Pam was supposed to get them, and Michael says they’ll just wait until she gets back and do this again. Everyone hugs Kevin and Michael wonders where his birthday hug is. Angela finally tells him that no one cares about his birthday, and Michael finally attempts to care about someone other than himself. At the store, Jim dares Pam to make an announcement over the loudspeaker. She gives in but gets caught. At the office, Toby encourages Kevin to get health insurance through his fiancée, since Dunder Mifflin’s plan is horrible. Michael thinks that Kevin needs some medicine, in the form of laughter, but Toby doesn’t think Kevin is in the mood. Michael, of course, doesn’t care what Toby thinks. He tells Kevin to take a sick day and go home so he’ll stop driving everyone crazy…with worry. Pam and Jim return with Kevin’s goodies, but Michael takes over and announces that they’re taking Kevin somewhere to get his mind off of things. He resents Stanley’s guess that it’s actually a birthday celebration.

Everyone heads to a skating rink, where Kelly tries to teach Ryan to skate and Oscar shows off some skills. Michael wears hockey gear and interviews that he thought about being in the NHL, but it wouldn’t leave much time for a wife and kids. Plus, it’s more fun to body check Toby. Michael then proceeds to say inappropriate things to Pam about how she should check herself for cancer. Later, Michael runs into Carol (see “Office Olympics”), who’s there with her two kids for her daughter’s skating lesson. Michael winds up skating with the kids until Kevin gets his test results, which are negative. Everyone is happy except Michael, who thinks negative means positive. Kevin gets his gifts, and Pam gives Michael something from “everyone.” Pam interviews that it was a good day, most likely because she got to hang out with Jim.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Toby: “Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the e-mail?”
Michael: “You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?”

“I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.” - Michael

“I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister’s.” - Kelly

“Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can - and do - cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.” - Dwight


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