"A House is Not a Home"
Written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino

Lorelai goes to the police station to pick up Rory, who has been arrested for stealing a yacht with Logan (see “Blame Booze and Melville”). Finn and Colin arrive for Logan and assure Lorelai that they would have gotten Rory home if she hadn’t come. Lorelai drives Rory back to Stars Hollow, telling her that they’re having a bike race in town. She tries to find out what happened but Rory isn’t forthcoming. Her phone rings and Lorelai tells her not to answer it because she doesn’t want her to talk to Logan right now. Rory explains that stealing the yacht was her idea and Logan spent the night in jail because of her. As she takes the call, Lorelai gets out to go to the diner. Taylor catches up to her and criticizes her for parking in a no-parking zone, which has been marked off for the bike race. He warns her that Kirk will tow her care after 10 p.m. Lorelai points out that she has six minutes and heads to the diner, where she announces that Rory committed “grand theft boating.” Luke blames Logan. Lorelai asks for soap, since Rory still has ink on her fingers from being fingerprinted. She realizes how unprepared she is to handle the situation, since Rory has never gotten into trouble before. Luke gives her food and offers to come home with her, but Lorelai has too much to deal with right now. Back at the car, Lorelai asks again what happened and Rory admits that she was upset because Mitchum told her she won’t make a good journalist. Lorelai can’t believe that he would say that to her. Rory starts freaking out about what her arrest means and the girls drive off just before Kirk can tow the car.

At Hep Alien’s apartment, Lane worries that the band hasn’t been practicing enough recently because she and Brian have been working real jobs. At the Gilmores’, Rory wakes up see her mug shots on the fridge because Lorelai has become amused with the situation. She serves Rory bread and water for breakfast and suggests some villainous activities they could perform. Rory says that she needs to go back to Yale for her last final and to get the rest of her things. Lorelai says she’ll find her a lawyer and promises not to tell Richard and Emily what happened. Logan calls just after Rory leaves and tells Lorelai that his father’s lawyers are taking care of everything. Lorelai tells him that Mitchum has done enough. Rory and Logan meet up at Yale and Logan asks what happened with Mitchum. She finally comes clean with him and Logan says that she shouldn’t have taken the internship in the first place. He announces that he’s going to confront his father but Rory tells him she just wants to forget about everything that happened. Logan says that if their relationship is going to work, they need to be honest with each other. He encourages her to convince Lorelai to let his father’s lawyers take care of everything. Luke signs papers for the house at the diner while the bike race goes on outside; the bikers keep calling to each other about a big hole. Taylor explains that Stars Hollow is both the starting point and finish line for the race. Luke finishes with the paperwork and Taylor tells him that he has three days to change his mind. Luke doesn’t think he will. Hep Alien holds a band meeting in the diner and Lane worries that the band is breaking up. Luke gets fed up with the bikers yelling about the hole and decides to shut them up with a baseball bat.

At the inn, Lorelai receives a gift basket from Mike (see “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”). She offers something to Michel, but he thinks she’s going to take Mike’s offer and sell the inn. Lorelai assures him that she won’t, but she does enjoy being wooed. At Yale, Rory foregoes taking her last final and chooses to stare out the window instead. Lorelai calls Luke over to the inn to fix a window and he finds out about Mike’s offer. He’s upset about the possibility of her leaving town and what it could mean for their future. Lane goes to her mother’s house and announces that Hep Alien might be breaking up. She may need to move back home and is willing to abide by the necessary rules. Mrs. Kim replies that Lane isn’t the daughter she raised because Kims don’t give up. Rory and Lorelai meet up at Weston’s and Rory announces that she’s not going back to Yale next year. She doesn’t think it’s the right place for her and she’s no longer sure what she wants to do with her life. Lorelai notes that she’s always known what she wants to do, but Rory says that Mitchum has changed her mind. She thinks that Logan agrees with his father, which Lorelai says doesn’t make him the world’s greatest boyfriend. Lorelai refuses to let Rory quit Yale, since she herself wasn’t lucky enough to go to college. She thinks that if Rory leaves school now, she’ll never go back. Rory points out that she no longer has a goal anyway, so it doesn’t matter if she loses momentum. She doesn’t want to be the only one at school without something to work for.

Luke finds Taylor at the bike race and tells him that he’s changed his mind about buying Twickham’s house after all. Lorelai goes to her parents’ house and tells them that Rory is dropping out of Yale. They’re shocked by the news, and even more surprised when Lorelai tells them how bad the Huntzbergers really are. She continues by telling them about Rory’s arrest and says that things have been going downhill ever since Rory met the Huntzbergers. She’d like the three of them to triple-team Rory at Friday night dinner and convince her to go back to school. Emily and Richard promise to back her up. On Friday, Rory shows up before dinner and cries to Richard that her life is falling apart. At Hep Alien’s apartment, Lane and Mrs. Kim announce to the band that they’re going on tour. Mrs. Kim has arranged a bunch of performances at Seventh Day Adventist churches and set up families for the band members to stay with. Zach refuses to change their song lyrics to make them church-friendly, but Mrs. Kim points out that Prince makes millions mentioning God and not swearing. Brian suggests Gil’s delivery van as the band’s transportation and Mrs. Kim approves. Zach isn’t sure about the idea, but since the other band members are on board, he agrees to the tour. Lorelai arrives for Friday night dinner and is told that Rory will be moving into the pool house until she gets a job. Richard tells her that once some time has passed, they’ll bring up the subject of school again. Lorelai is shocked that Richard and Emily have backed out of their earlier agreement and went behind her back to come up with a different plan. Lorelai leaves, spotting Rory unpacking in the pool house. Back in Stars Hollow, Taylor complains that the bikers are late returning to the town. Lorelai heads to the diner and fills Luke in on all of the events of the past few days. He announces that he’s on Lorelai’s side and will help her fix everything. After a few moments, Lorelai asks, “Luke, will you marry me?” “What?” he replies.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy, It’s something with a name that makes us giggle.” - Lorelai

“According to my mother, I am going to Hell for this. That’s commitment, my friends! Eternal damnation is what I’m risking for my rock and roll!” - Lane

Lorelai: “This is La Mer youth serum. Apparently you put this on before you get on a plane, and by the time you get off you’re Dakota Fanning. Michel, take something! What do you want?”
Michel: “The memory of those bikers poking each other in the buttocks Eternal Sunshined out of my mind.”

Lorelai: “I’ll call Luke. He’ll come fix it, and all it’ll cost me is my honor.”
Michel: “Hmm. What a lovely arrangement you two have.”

Emily: “I can stop by the cleaners on my way home if you want to have something pressed for your trip this weekend.”
Richard: (not listening) “Uh-huh.”
Emily: “And then after the cleaners I thought I’d run off with Marshall, the golf instructor at the club. Do you think you could manage to get your own dinner tonight?”
Richard: “That’ll be fine, Emily.”
(The doorbell rings)
Emily: “I wonder who that could be, first thing in the morning?”
Richard: “Perhaps it’s Marshall, the golf instructor, unable to wait until after Melly’s party to have you. I know I couldn’t.”

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