"Charlie Don�t Surf"
Written by Diane Ruggiero and Jason Elen; directed by Jason Bloom

Keith cooks at home while Veronica nervously waits for Logan to arrive for dinner with them. When he gets there, she takes him outside and gives him some guidelines for the evening, forbidding him to tell jokes, make any innuendos, or implying that he�s seen her naked. Later, during dinner, Veronica tries to keep Logan and Keith from talking to each other, including when Keith asks why Logan doesn�t want to go on talk shows and talk about being the son of a murderer. The next day, Veronica goes to Parker and Mac�s room, where a bewigged Parker (see �Welcome Wagon�) is less than thrilled to see her. Veronica fights her way in but Parker doesn�t want her sympathy since she doesn�t think Veronica knows how she feels. Veronica admits to her that she, too, was drugged and raped (though she gives the wrong date of the party). She then vows to find the rapist. Nish (see �My Big Fat Greek Rush Week�) arrives to talk to Parker, which Veronica thinks is a bad idea. Back in the room, Nish tries to interview Parker, who doesn�t want to cooperate. Nish then asks her if she remembers seeing any of the Pi Sigs at the Theta Beta rush party.

Logan meets with Avi, his financial advisor, who tells him that he needs to slow down on spending the money in his trust fund. Logan thinks the problem is that he isn�t getting all of the money he�s supposed to be getting. A displeased Avi promises to send over his financial statements. Later, Logan brings Veronica over to his suite to have her look through the records and see if Avi is stealing from him. A woman named Harmony (Laura San Giacomo) pays Keith a visit at Mars Investigations to hire him to find out if her husband is cheating on her. Wallace stops by the Hearst library to show Veronica Nish�s article about the rapes. It notes that the Pi Sigs are a common thread in all of the rapes. Wallace elaborates that Claire, the latest victim (see �Wichita Linebacker�), was at a Pi Sig haunted house the night she was raped. That night, Dick comes to the Mars residence and insults the accommodations before telling Veronica that there�s a hearing scheduled that will probably get the Pi Sigs kicked off campus. The Pi Sigs appreciated how Veronica cleared them of rape the previous year (see �The Rapes of Graff�), so they sent Dick to hire her to clear them again. His reasoning is that they wouldn�t rape girls when they get all the sex they want. Veronica accepts, asking for $1,500 and full access to the frat.

Keith stakes out Harmony�s husband�s office building, then calls Harmony to let her know that it looks like her husband really is working late as he said. However, not long after they hang up, Keith spots Harmony�s husband, Marvin, with a woman. At the Mars residence the next morning, Keith and Veronica both dress conservatively and Keith says that his accountant is almost done looking at Logan�s financial records. Harmony stops by Mars Investigations again, this time with pizza. Keith tells her that Marvin�s possible other woman is named Carly, but they might just have a business relationship. Harmony is surprised that she feels relieved rather than jealous. Keith gives her a microphone to plant on Marvin. Veronica goes to the Pi Sig house, where she tells Chip that she needs to know where each brother was when Claire was raped. She asks who served drinks at the haunted house and learns that it was a brother named Charleston. (His last name is Chu, but fortunately, Charleston isn�t his real name.) Charleston admits that he served the drinks, but that doesn�t mean he did anything to Claire. Veronica calls him Token, since he�s the only Asian Pi Sig, and tells him he�s the most likely suspect. He tells her that the night of the party, Chip was apparently in his room with a girl. Outside the Pi Sig house, Nish, Nancy, Claire, and Parker lead a protest.

Keith and Harmony hang out at Mars Investigations and are interrupted by Veronica and Logan. After Harmony leaves, Keith tells Logan that it doesn�t look like Avi is stealing from him. Instead, some of Aaron�s money is going to an organization called Aaron�s Kids. Later, Veronica�s research turns up the fact that Aaron�s Kids was shut down years ago, but Avi runs an organization called Aaron�s Kidz, and it�s not exactly a charity. The two later go to the Hearst food court, where Veronica confronts Chip and notices that his hands are bruised. He explains that he was working the �boo room� at the haunted house, which involved scaring people in the dark. He tells her that his hands were bruised when someone stepped on them. Veronica asks who was in his room that night, telling him that if she can confirm it, he�ll be cleared of rape. He replies that the girl he was with will never admit she was there. On campus, Veronica finds Charleston with his girlfriend, Charlotte, and lets her know that she knows she�s cheating on Charleston with Chip. She points out that if Charlotte doesn�t come clean, Chip and the Pi Sigs will be in trouble. Charlotte doesn�t budge.

Dick arrives and tells Veronica that the Pi Sigs think she�s trying to find evidence against them. She notices that his hands are bruised, too, and remembers that he showed up at the Neptune Grand the night Parker was raped, talking about how he�d screwed up. �Whipped guys make the worst friends,� Dick says. At home, Veronica does some work on the Aaron�s Kidz case, calling someone about a connected organization. She eventually comes up with the name Charlie Stone. She heads to the Neptune Grand and tells Logan that Charlie has been receiving money from Aaron�s trust because he�s Logan�s brother. After a few minutes of adjusting, Logan calls Charlie and leaves him a message. On campus the next day, Veronica tracks down Parker, who chastises her for working for the Pi Sigs. Veronica says that she�s just using the opportunity to get close to them and figure out what really happened. When Dick comes up in the conversation, Parker spills that she met him at orientation, and Mac told her he showed up at their door the night before she was raped (see �Welcome Wagon�). She adds that he chased Nancy out of the haunted house, screaming at her, though Parker doesn�t know why. Keith goes on another stakeout and gets a shot of Marvin and Carly kissing.

Veronica goes to find Nancy, who tells her that she and Claire went to the haunted house because they knew the �boo room� was really a �grope room� where brothers could fondle girls. Nancy and Claire put rat traps on all of their �gropable parts,� which explains the bruises on Dick and Chip�s hands. However, when Dick chased Nancy out of the party, she lost track of Claire. She thought she saw her on the street later, but when she yelled for her, the girl didn�t respond. Veronica heads to the convenience store where Nancy thought she saw Claire, and the man working there that night tells her that he did see a drunk girl there with a guy. At the Neptune Grand, Logan hangs out with Charlie, who tells him that his mother was a stewardess when she met Aaron, and he paid her off to keep her quiet about Charlie. He used to wish that he wanted Logan�s family, but he quickly realized that he didn�t, since they�re crazy. (Apparently Trina shot Nicole Richie with a BB gun.) As Charlie is heading home to grade papers, as he�s a teacher, Veronica arrives. Charlie mentions that he likes surfing and Logan notes that they have something other than genetics in common. The next day, Veronica heads to the school where Charlie teaches and finds out that the Charlie from the Neptune Grand isn�t the same one who teaches there.

The fake Charlie is out surfing with Logan, who tells him a story about the worst Christmas ever. (No, worse than the one in �An Echolls Family Christmas.�) When they come back to shore, Veronica confronts Charlie with his real name Norman, and explains to Logan that he�s a contributor to Vanity Fair. Logan punches him in retaliation. At Mars Investigations, Keith shows Harmony his photos of Marvin and Carly, then plays her a recording of their conversation, in which Marvin rejects Carly. The day after their kiss, he cut off their business ties as well. Later, Veronica arrives and asks Keith how she can get ATM surveillance photos. He tells her how and she asks him to help her out. Veronica later meets up with some Pi Sigs on campus and shows them photos from the ATM that show Claire with an Asian guy. It was taken two hours after the haunted house closed and Claire isn�t bald yet, so she hasn�t been raped yet. Also, since there�s only one Asian Pi Sig and the guy in the photo isn�t Charleston, the Pi Sigs are innocent. Claire, Nancy, Parker, and Nish aren�t as pleased about the news as the Pi Sigs are. The real Charlie arrives for work and is swamped by the media, who all want to ask him about his newfound family ties.

Parker finds Veronica on campus and blasts her for helping the Pi Sigs. Veronica tells her that they were innocent, asking if she wants to punish someone just for the heck of it, or if she wants to punish the person who�s actually guilty. Later, she meets up with Logan, who outed the real Charlie on Larry King the night before. Logan is upset that Charlie handed him over to Norman, but Veronica isn�t sure that�s what really happened. Logan asks her to help him find Norman, since he gave him his grandfather�s pocket watch. Veronica finds him and he tells her that Charlie didn�t talk to him; Norman found Charlie and interviewed him, but Charlie wanted to remain anonymous. Norman met Logan because he�d tapped his phone. Back at the Neptune Grand, Veronica fills Logan in and tells him that Charlie had nothing to do with Norman coming after him. Logan reminds her that he�s never had a family like Veronica has with Keith. After she leaves, Logan calls Charlie to leave him another message.


THE TITLE IS A PLAY ON...: The Clash song of the same name, which is a phrase from the movie Apocalypse Now.

THE RAPE CASE: Claire attended a Pi Sig haunted house the night she was raped.

Claire was at an ATM two hours after the haunted house ended; she still had her hair and was with a guy. As the guy was not a Pi Sig, the Pi Sigs are innocent, at least of raping Claire.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Nish: �It�s good to see you.�
Veronica: �And that�s where we differ.�

Wallace: �I liked the other place you worked better.�
Veronica: �Think maybe that�s because we had food there?�

�If you�re not gonna shoo it out with a newspaper, I�m stepping on it.� - Veronica to Keith re: Dick

Dick: �There�s, like, this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that�s where you come in.�
Veronica: �I get to do the kickin�?�
Dick: �You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.�
Veronica: �Were they? That means so little.�

Keith: �It�s aftershave. I�m going to traffic court.�
Veronica: �Sexy traffic court?�

Veronica: �Here�s a fun thing to say to your beau. Mind if I go put the screws to someone?�
Logan: �Go ahead, screw your brains out.�

Dick: �You�re torturing me.�
Veronica: �Without even trying? �I�m good.�

�He bought his raincoats - one less bastard child conceived by morons. Everyone�s haaaaappy.� - convenience store clerk

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