"Die, Jerk"
Written by Daniel Palladino; directed by Tom Moore

Friday night dinner starts off with the Gilmores talking about Lorelai needing to eat more green vegetables, then moves to the elder Gilmores’ trip to Atlantic City (see “An Affair to Remember”). Emily doesn’t want to talk about it. She complains about Digger and the little roulette wheels he handed out; Richard got a couple for Lorelai and Rory. Lorelai changes the subject to Rory’s articles for the Yale Daily News; after she writes one for each department, they’ll decide if she should be on the staff. Emily says that they’re having all of Rory’s articles laminated. At school, Paris complains to Rory that they have to jump through hoops before they can join the newspaper staff. Rory tries and fails to find an article she wrote about a chamber music festival in the latest issue. The editor, Doyle (Danny Strong), tells her that it wasn’t published because it was boring. Paris notes that her article made the cut. Back in Stars Hollow, Rory complains about Doyle to Lorelai and Lane. Lane tries to come up with threats and Lorelai notes that she’s not very good at them. She heads home to talk to Dave on the phone while Lorelai asks if they’re still mad at him. She then tries to figure out who’s they’re mad at and for what reason.

Lorelai heads to Sookie and Jackson’s, where Michel has been barred from going inside because he had a cold a few days earlier. He complains that they’re supposed to be having a business meeting, so the baby shouldn’t be there, but Sookie notes that he’s only a week old, so she can’t exactly send him to the movies. Lorelai plays with Davey, then tells Sookie and Michel that they’re on schedule with the new inn. Bruce (see “The Festival of Living Art”), who’s both a midwife and a lactation specialist, chastises Lorelai for speaking baby talk, then breaks up the meeting so Davey can eat. Rory gives Doyle her latest article and he immediately starts crossing things out. She asks if this is some sort of hazing or if she did something to offend him. Doyle tells her that this is just what happens. “I just couldn’t tell what you really thought,” he says. He tells her to write what she thinks, noting that she’ll either get the hang of things or she won’t. Rory and Lorelai head to Yale’s theater as Rory complains that she’s not going to make it as a journalist at school. They watch a ballet and criticize one of the ballerinas. Afterwards, they can’t believe how horrible the performance was; Rory wonders how many times she can use the word “blows” in her article before it becomes redundant. Lorelai helps her out with some opinions by telling her that the end curtain came down too slowly.

Rory turns her article in to Doyle, who compliments her writing and sends the article to layout. At the Kims’ antique store, Mrs. Kim tells Lane that she wants her to send something to Dave for her. Downtown, Michel tells Lorelai that he agrees with Bruce’s no baby talk policy. Lorelai, of course, starts talking baby talk to him. She heads to the diner, where she encounters Nicole. After some awkward conversation, Lorelai decides to leave. Lane calls Rory at Yale and tells her that she just had a fight with Dave that was all Mrs. Kim’s fault. She explains that Mrs. Kim wants her to send Dave “the jug,” a jug Mrs. Kim has always been planning to give to the man Lane is going to marry. Rory wonders if Lane has been sending out a “marriage vibe.” Apparently Dave and Lane fought because Lane warned him about the jug and he’s adamant that he doesn’t want it. Rory points out that the two of them are too young to get married anyway. Lane wonders what to do, since she knows eventually Mrs. Kim will expect a thank you note from Dave. Rory arrives at her suite and discovers that someone has written, “Die, Jerk” on her message board.

Paris has already called a suitemate meeting; she’s paranoid about who the message is for and who it’s from. She tells the suitemates to make a list of all of the people who might be after them. Tana wants to let the message go and Janet suggests that it’s a joke. Paris notes that she herself is probably the most likely target and has narrowed her list of enemies from 25 to 6 (all in their building). Janet thinks a girl on her volleyball team might be after her, since she kissed the girl’s boyfriend. “I’m exceedingly dull,” Tana says. Paris doesn’t think that Rory is the target, so she moves on taking care of her six enemies. “I got my East Side 860 partners on it,” she says. Lorelai heads back to the diner, starving because she’s there for the second time and hasn’t eaten. Luke knows that she came in earlier; Lorelai says that she wasn’t that hungry. She tries to get him to tell her what’s new, then finally admits that she saw Nicole, so she knows something’s going on. He tells her that they’re kind of seeing each other again (see “The Festival of Living Art”) and have put their divorce on hold. Lorelai asks if Nicole will be moving in with him. Luke says that they’re just dating for now, even though they’re technically still married. Lorelai hassles him about his taxes, saying that the situation is weird. Luke finally asks if Lorelai doesn’t like Nicole; Lorelai replies that she doesn’t think Nicole likes her. She asks if they would have gotten back together if the divorce weren’t such a hassle. Luke changes the subject and Lorelai leaves again without eating.

A guy approaches Rory in the Yale dining hall and tells her that someone is looking for her. Another says she’s brave and warns her to beware of the sound of rustling tulle approaching her. A girl named Sandra comes over and Rory realizes that she’s the ballerina she wrote bad things about in her ballet review. She also realizes that Sandra was the one who wrote “Die, Jerk” on her door. Sandra is upset with what Rory said about her; Rory tells her that she was just doing her job. She tries to convince her that not many people will read the review anyway since most people don’t like ballet. Sandra asks how much experience Rory has with ballet. Rory has little, so Sandra tells her how hard she’s been working. She calls Rory a jerk a few more times and Paris overhears, noting that Rory was the target of the message. “The strike is off. Stand down,” she says into her cell phone. Lorelai heads to her parents’ house for Friday night dinner, where Digger and Richard are working on “something computery,” according to Emily. Richard carries his computer around, testing its new wireless capabilities. Emily introduces Lorelai and Digger, forgetting that they’ve known each other since they were kids. Richard announces that he’s going to Google Emily, which she thinks is ridiculous.

Lorelai and Digger make small talk; apparently he send her a bunch of bouquets of flowers. Lorelai notes that Emily still hates Digger, but he thinks that just makes it more likely that Lorelai will go out with him. “Maybe I should get her to invite me to dinner,” he suggests. Lorelai challenges that it’ll never happen. Rory arrives and meets Digger (who she calls Scooper), then tells Lorelai what’s going on with Sandra. She shows her article to Lorelai, who is shocked by its harshness. Digger tries to guilt Emily into inviting him to stay for dinner, but she’s not having any of it. Richard finally gets her to ask him to stay. At dinner, Emily does her best passive-aggressive routine and banters with Digger about e-mail. The girls talk up the Internet but can’t seem to convince Emily of the point of it. Lorelai and Digger talk about camp; Digger tells Rory that he met Christopher there. Lorelai reveals that Christopher hated Digger and brings up a memory Digger had repressed. Emily and Richard compliment Rory’s review, but she’s not so happy about it anymore. Lorelai says that Sandra isn’t taking things so well, but Richard thinks that people her age should know if they’re not good at doing something. Digger asks Emily for restaurant recommendations, managing to butter her up and get ideas for places to take Lorelai at the same time. Emily winds up softening a little.

At Yale, Rory tells Doyle that she wants to redo her ballet review; he tells her they don’t do that, and she wouldn’t be able to go again anyway, since the ballet closed early due to Rory’s review. He adds that people are still talking about the article, which is good. Rory asks if she can do a piece on the ballerina, but Doyle isn’t interested. He tells Rory that she needs to get used to hurting people’s feelings. Rory decides that she needs to learn how to handle things if she wants to stay with the paper. At the Kims’ antique shop, Lane admits to her mother that she didn’t send Dave the jug because she’s not ready for that kind of a commitment yet. Mrs. Kim decides to sell the jug instead - it’s just a regular jug. Rory heads back to the Yale theater, talking to Lorelai on the phone about the Luke/Nicole situation. Lorelai wants Luke to know that whoever is in his life is in Lorelai’s life, too. Rory thinks this sounds “stalkery.” She wonders if Lorelai is going to tell Luke about Digger, since something seems to be happening there. Lorelai wonders if it would be weird for them to go out. Rory says it would be, a little, and Lorelai replies that she hasn’t decided yet anyway. Rory tells her that she hasn’t had any more problems with the ballerina and is ready to do her job.

WELCOME TO STARS HOLLOW: Doyle, Davey

MEMORABLE QUOTES: Lorelai: “Hm. Do hookers charge to let you talk to them?”
Rory: “Depends on what they’re doing when they’re talking to you.”
Emily: “Rory!”
Rory: “Sorry.”
Emily: “I expect that from your mother, but not you.”

Sookie: “You know, he said his first word this morning.”
Lorelai: “Who? Michel?”

Mrs. Kim: “Now, it’s very fragile, so keep it away from young children.”
Customer: “We don’t have children.”
Mrs. Kim: “You should. Everyone should have children.”

Michel: “So I’ve been calling all my friends and relatives with babies to tell them to immediately stop talking to them.”
Lorelai: “You mean, stop talking baby talk?”
Michel: “No, it’s better that they just stop all together.”

Rory: “Let’s not make each other feel bad.”
Paris: “Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right?”

Digger: “I signed all the cards ‘Jason.’”
Lorelai: “I thought it was Jason Priestley.”
Digger: “You’re disappointed.”
Lorelai: “No, I just wish I hadn’t slept with Jason Priestley.”


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