"Poughkeepsie, Tramps, and Thieves"
Veronica and Logan hang out in the food court before Logan leaves for class. He gives Veronica a copy of the Lampoon, which contains information about some recent eggings. Weevil arrives and Veronica tells him that the Lampoon office was egged the night after Dean O’Dell announced that the Greeks could stay on campus (see “Spit and Eggs”). The Pi Sig house was also egged, which leads Veronica to suspect the Lilith girls are responsible. Weevil is upset because they also egged Dean O’Dell’s office and he was the one who had to clean up the mess. This is news to Veronica. At the sheriff’s department, Keith gets the report on Dean O’Dell’s supposed suicide. He and Lamb trade some barbs about how Keith solves more crimes than Lamb. At Hearst, Max (see “Hi, Infidelity”) finds Veronica and presents her with a case: the woman he’s in love with is getting married and he wants Veronica to find her. Unfortunately, despite being in love with her, he knows next to nothing about her. Basically, he knows her first name and that she’s from Poughkeepsie. Max explains that they met at a comic convention and they talked all night. In the morning, he took the girl, Chelsea, to the airport and she told him she’d left her information in his room. When he got back, the housekeeping staff had already thrown out the note (assuming there was actually a note). Chelsea sent Max a text message about her marriage, but when Max called the number back, he reached a guy who’s never heard of Chelsea.
Veronica heads to Max’s room, where she spots a photo of him with his roommate Brian and friend Fred that was taken in Mac and Parker’s room during the around-the-world party (see “Show Me the Monkey”). Veronica calls the number the text was sent from and the guy who answers tells her that he’s from Goshen, New York, about 43 miles from Poughkeepsie. As it turns out, the guy goes to Neptune and works at the food court. Veronica heads over there and gets the text message from the guy’s outbox. Veronica tries to determine whether someone stole the guy’s phone to send the message, but before she can complete her thought, she spots Brian, who also works there. Veronica goes back to Max’s room and tells him that Brian and Fred hired Chelsea, who happens to be a hooker, thinking that Max would be more confident around women if he lost his virginity. They even coached her to say certain things about Battlestar Gallactica that would make her attractive to Max. The guys then used Brian’s coworker’s phone to send the text message so Max would get over Chelsea. Max still wants Veronica to find Chelsea because he thinks they had a real connection, prostitute or not. Veronica doesn’t think this is a good idea, but Max reminds her that he hired her to find Chelsea, and she hasn’t done that yet.
Back at the food court, Veronica fills in Brian and Fred, letting them know that after all the money they spent, Max is still a virgin. The three head to Fred’s dorm room to find Chelsea on the same website the guys used to find her in the first place. “It’s like a Zagat Guide for hookers,” Veronica remarks. They narrow the choices down to two but Brian and Fred aren’t sure which is Chelsea. At home, Keith tells Veronica that he got the Dean O’Dell’s report but it’s not very helpful and mentions nothing about his office being egged. Veronica shares her theory about the Lilith girls being involved but declines to talk to them, since they don’t like her. She then heads off to Logan’s to meet the two prostitutes. At the Neptune Grand, Logan and Veronica eat dinner and Veronica asks if Logan has ever slept with a hooker. Logan avoids answering the question, knowing that it can’t lead to anything good. Max arrives and uncomfortably tries to tell Logan that he didn’t know Chelsea was a hooker before. (Like Logan cares.) Later, the three watch Sense and Sensibility and wait for the hookers to show up. The first one, Lizette, does, but she’s not Chelsea, so they pay her and send her on her way (though Logan is in favor of having some fun with her first, since they’re paying her anyway). As Lizette is leaving, Fiona shows up and immediately recognizes Max. The two have a happy reunion that leads to a make-out session. Chelsea (real name Wendy) says that she regretted leaving Max after the convention and wishes she’d made different decisions so they could have been together.
Madison (last seen in “Look Who’s Stalking”) suddenly arrives and Veronica guesses that she’s there to see Dick. He’s not around and Madison doesn’t want to spend time with Veronica, of course, so she quickly leaves. Back at home, Veronica finds Keith wearing his old sheriff’s uniform and teases that he’s a stripper. Keith heads to Claire, Fern, and Nish’s apartment and pretends to be there on official business. Claire and Fern aren’t sure what the connection is between Dean O’Dell’s supposed suicide and the eggings. Keith tells them that the dean may have been murdered and they’ve been placed in the area at the time of his death. The two admit to egging the dean’s office but say that Nish wasn’t with them at the time. Nish emerges and announces that Keith isn’t the sheriff anymore, so they don’t have to talk to him. But since she has nothing to hide, she admits that she also egged the dean’s Volvo. On his way home, Keith pulls up to a stoplight next to Lamb, who’s shocked to see him in his old uniform. At Hearst, Max summons Veronica to his dorm room and asks her to make Wendy disappear. Wendy tells her about one of her big clients, a judge who likes to sneak her into his office at the courthouse so they can have tickle fights and he can walk around in her shoes.
At the Neptune Grand, Logan is surprised when a hooker named Nicki shows up, beaten and looking for Wendy. Later, when Veronica, Max, and Wendy have arrived, Nicki tells Wendy that if she doesn’t come back with her and $1,000, she’ll be beaten up again. Max wants to negotiate with the attacker, but Wendy is willing to give in and go back. Max offers up his fee to Veronica and sends Wendy and Nicki off with it. Max then proceeds to spend the rest of the evening moping on Logan’s couch. Veronica tries to give him a pep talk, then notices that Wendy’s “bruises” have rubbed off on a towel - they were fake. Intent on getting revenge on Wendy for playing Max, Veronica calls her judge client and blackmails him for $1,000. Logan doesn’t seem too pleased with her behavior. Later, in bed, Veronica again asks Logan if he’s ever been with a hooker, but he still doesn’t want to answer. She just wants to preempt the revelation of any secrets, which he points out always happens because she’s always digging. Veronica tells him she’s giving him a chance to come clean, so when she asks again, Logan assures her that he’s never been with a hooker. Veronica’s next question is about how Mercer could have come back from Mexico to rape someone, then get back to Mexico before Logan noticed he was gone (see “Hi, Infidelity” and “Spit and Eggs”). Logan isn’t sure and says that Mercer could have drugged him. Veronica asks if Logan was with anyone while they were broken up and he admits that there was one person but he regrets what happened. Veronica assures him that she still loves him.
Having heard back from the judge, Max calls Veronica and they head to a bus station to get their money. However, instead of finding it, they receive a note telling them to get into a nearby limo or Wendy will get hurt. They obey and meet Wendy and Nicki’s madame, who’s upset that Wendy has fallen for a client and wants to leave. Max offers to pay the madame all of the money Wendy owes her, even though it equals $10,000. Back at Hearst, Max and Wendy happily meet up again. The three head to the food court, where Wendy gives Veronica the advice that lingerie is awesome, then gets recognized by Weevil. (Apparently, in addition to being a hooker, Wendy used to strip.) At home, Keith tells Veronica that that Nish said she egged Dean O’Dell’s Volvo, but Mindy switched cars with him, so the dean was driving a minivan that day. They aren’t sure if Nish lied or if both cars were there for some reason. Max and Wendy hang out in Max’s room and are interrupted by Brian and Fred, who are looking for a stripper for a bachelor party. Max kicks them out, then asks Wendy if she really left her information for him in the hotel. She didn’t, but she wishes she had. Later, Max heads to the library and tells Veronica that Wendy left again, this time for good. Veronica doesn’t think she’s really going to pay him back his $10,000, but she’s already sent him $1,000, Veronica’s fee (which she earned stripping at the bachelor party). Later, Veronica heads to a lingerie store, taking Wendy’s advice, and runs into Madison, who tells her that she didn’t go to the Neptune Grand to see Dick - she went to see Logan, who she hooked up with in Aspen over the holidays.
THE TITLE IS A PLAY ON...: The Cher song “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.”
THE DEAN O’DELL CASE: The Lampoon office, Hearst statue, Pi Sig house, and Dean O’Dell’s office were all egged the night Dean O’Dell died.
Both Dean O’Dell’s Volvo and minivan were in the Hearst parking lot the night of his death, indicating that Mindy may have been on campus before the dean’s death.
MEMORABLE QUOTES: “I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try sometime.” - Keith to Lamb
Veronica: “Does your team provide study guides for ethics exams?”
Veronica: “I come home after a hard day at work, and there you are, lounging with your bonbons and your Harper's Bazaar. There better be some freshly pressed shirts in my closet, or so help me. What? You got nothing?”
Keith: “Will you be home for dinner?”
Veronica: “I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really…intimate.”
“I don’t think this is street legal. What’s the voltage on this?” - the madame’s muscle, re: Veronica’s taser
Written by Diane Ruggiero; directed by John Kretchmer
Max: “Every day. Yeah, the irony has kind of faded over time.”
Keith: “Hmm. Maybe I’m not in the mood.”
Veronica: “Amuse me, dam^%$. Amuse me now.”
Keith: (singing) “I finally got the police report on the dean’s suicide.”
Veronica: “That needs work.”
Veronica: “No, I’m meeting two hookers over at Logan’s later.”
Keith: “On a school night?”
Veronica: “Off-peak hours. Save a few bucks.”
Keith: “You’re not really.”
Veronica: “Fiona and Lizette. They’re just a couple of gals putting themselves through college. Man, quit bringing me down with your bourgeois hang-ups.”
Logan: “That’s what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male’s head off.”