"Un-American Graffiti"
Veronica is in line at the food court when she and Logan spots each other and he buys her coffee. She’s surprised to see him out and about in the morning, and even more surprised to learn that he’s going to class. He mentions that he’s throwing Parker a birthday party that weekend and invites her to attend if she’s not busy. Later, a woman named Sabirah drops by Mars Investigations asking for Keith, and Veronica tells her that they’ve shut down for a little while. Veronica recognizes Sabirah as one of the owners of a restaurant called Babylon Gardens; she also went to Neptune High with Sabirah’s daughter. Sabirah tells her that the restaurant was vandalized and “terrorist” was spray-painted on the door. Veronica decides that this isn’t a case she should pass up. At a bar called The Break, a kid named Jimmy rouses long enough to sign his bar tab for the owner, Murphy. He then stumbles into the street and is promptly hit by a car. Veronica stakes out Babylon Gardens, planning to set up surveillance cameras the next day, and voices over that she took the case to get her mind off of Parker, but the stakeout is giving her too much time to think. She’s spotted by Sabirah’s daughter Amira, who is still mad at Veronica for the Pirate Points thing in “Return of the Kane.” Amira is surprised to hear that Sabirah has hired Veronica.
Keith stops by The Break and tells Murphy that Jimmy is paralyzed; he also wants to know why Murphy let a 19-year-old drink there. Murphy says his ID said he was 21. However, the ID’s other details weren’t accurate to Jimmy’s description. Sabirah’s husband Rashad tells Veronica she can leave, saying that it was a mistake for Sabirah to hire her. Rashad mentions to Sabirah that Veronica’s father is the sheriff, and he asks her if she’s thought about Nasir. A yellow pickup truck drives by and shots are fired, but after a minute Veronica realizes that instead of bullets, the guns were shooting paintballs. Rashad complains about being targeted as an Arab since he’s lived in America for 20 years and considers himself American. Veronica promises to track down the pickup driver, even though her only lead is a bumper sticker advertising the driver as the parent of a Neptune Middle School honors student. At home, Keith shows Veronica college newspaper ads from bars, even though the majority of Hearst’s students can’t drink. Veronica tells him that most of the bars near Hearst are easy to get into with a fake ID. Keith takes this information to the sheriff’s department, telling all of his deputies to run surprise checks on the bars in the areas and make sure they’re checking IDs. A deputy named Gills wonders if Keith always acts like this.
Veronica visits the Neptune Middle School honors class pretending to be conducting a survey for a criminology class. She asks the students if they have access to pellet and BB guns, then paintball guns. One of the boys with access to a paintball gun also has access to a yellow pickup truck, but he’s not white like Veronica expected. That afternoon, Veronica follows the boy home from school and sees that his neighbor has a yellow pickup. The boy and his friends are playing video games, and Veronica interrupts them with a paintball gun. However, the boys claim that they didn’t commit any hate crimes, and they provide a DVD to prove that they’re equal-opportunity shooters. (They even got Clemmons.) Veronica takes their DVD and threatens to give it to Keith if they do any more drive-bys. She then takes them to Babylon Gardens to clean up the mess they made the night before. Rashad and Sabirah aren’t sure they should replace the decorations they had out front, but Veronica thinks they should put up bigger ones. She also hooks up the video cameras. At the Neptune Grand, Dick tells Logan about two girls he met on MySpace who both want to meet him in person. He plans to invite them both over and pick whichever one appears to like him more. Gills returns from his bar checks and tells Keith that he didn’t find any minors. Keith doesn’t believe him.
The next morning, Veronica uses her computer to check out the surveillance footage from Babylon Gardens. On it, she seems a guy wearing a sweatshirt reading “Sneed Batmen” and the number 11. At the food court, Veronica asks Mac if that sounds familiar to her, but Mac is tired from an early-morning hike with Bronson. She spots Parker and Logan approaching and offers them the table, joking around with Logan about false high school memories. Veronica promises that she’ll be at Parker’s birthday party, even though it’s obviously the last place on earth she wants to go. As she and Mac leave, Mac says that she’s grown to like Logan now that he’s spending so much time with Parker. Veronica asks if she can stop by and get Mac before she goes to the party, but Mac is helping Logan and Parker set up, so Veronica heads off to enlist Piz and Wallace instead. Wallace is in, and Piz is definitely in, since he obviously still has a crush on Veronica. Veronica gets distracted from his babbling when she sees a guy in a Sneed Batmen shirt and runs off after him. Wallace tells Piz that he’s like a guy who watches people playing cards in Vegas and pretends to play along. Every once in a while, you need to go all in. Piz doesn’t know what that means, so Wallace tells him they’re going out tonight to talk to a girl who actually acknowledges Piz’s existence.
Veronica asks the guy she’s following about the Sneed Batmen shirt, and he explains that Sneed Hall is the chemistry building and the Batmen are their intramural softball team. He also tells her that number 11 is a guy named Jason Cohen. That night, Veronica stakes out Jason’s frat house, noting that he’s in a Jewish frat. She sees a flash of light up in a tree and realizes that someone is taking pictures through a second-story window. As the photographer takes off on a bike, Jason emerges from the frat house with his girlfriend - Amira. Amira identifies the photographer as Nasir, who works at Babylon Gardens despite the fact that his student visa expired. Amira’s parents also wanted her to marry Nasir. She’s afraid of what will happen when Nasir shows them the photos and they find out that she’s dating a Jewish guy. Veronica promises to try to track Nasir down, as he’s most likely going to a one-hour photo place, and get the pictures back. Veronica finds him at a convenience store and tells the clerk that Nasir is her boyfriend and is too embarrassed to get the photos back because they’re a little naughty. As she waits, Veronica asks Nasir for the time, then touches his shoulder so that the clerk will think they’re together. Veronica gets the photos and skedaddles, but when Nasir goes up to the clerk to get them, the clerk gives him a couple of photos that were only partially developed because the machine jammed.
Wallace and Piz drink at The Break, watching a girl named Miranda hustle guys at the pool table. Wallace is attracted to her, but Piz reminds him that they came there for him, then offers her $20 with the bet that she’ll win. Veronica takes the photos to Amira’s dorm room and they bond over how hot Nasir is. Unfortunately, Rashad shows up moments later, having received the photos from Nasir, and tells Amira that her relationship with Jason is what caused the vandalism in the first place - the Arab and/or Jewish communities must have turned against their family. He fires Veronica, but she points out that Sabirah hired her, so she won’t stop working for them until Sabirah tells her to. Keith stops by The Break, having been summoned by Murphy, who doesn’t appreciate having deputies stop by all the time, since his customers are getting fed up. He makes it clear that that never happened before because when Lamb was sheriff, Murphy would always make generous contributions to the department via raffle tickets. Keith tells him there’s no raffle this year, then sees a photo of the department’s softball team, Excessive Force, which includes Sacks and Gills. Murphy apparently contributes money to the team, too. On his way out of the bar, Keith spots Wallace and Piz and checks their fake ideas, immediately figuring out where they got them.
In the morning, Keith confronts Veronica with the IDs, telling her that her IDs are the best anyone in the department has seen. However, that’s not a good thing, as Wallace and Piz could have wound up like Jimmy. Veronica is summoned back to Babylon Gardens, which has been vandalized again, and shows Sabirah a photo from the surveillance footage. She doesn’t recognize the guy spray-painting the building, but Veronica has placed a tracer in the Arabic scroll the guy stole, so she thinks she’ll be able to find him. She follows the tracer to a house, where she meets Derrick, a young man who doesn’t care that he’s been busted for vandalism. Veronica also meets Derrick’s brother, who is in a wheelchair after serving a tour in Iraq. Derrick is upset because Nasir has been passing out what he considers terrorist propaganda. Veronica heads back to Babylon Gardens and updates Rashad and Sabirah, showing them the fliers Nasir has been giving out. Veronica offers to make a call and get Derrick’s probation revoked, but instead, Rashad wants to meet him. Keith goes to Wallace and Piz’s dorm room, seeing that his bust on them has made the front page of The Lampoon with the headline “Mars Attacks!” Keith gives the guys bad fake IDs and tells them they’re going out for a drink. At the Break, Wallace and Piz drink non-alcoholic beer and talk about Miranda. Gills arrives for a check and doesn’t look at anyone’s ID. Keith, listening in on a walkie-talkie, overhears Gills talking about how the check is a waste of time.
At the sheriff’s department, Keith gathers all the deputies and fires four of them, including Gills, for not following orders. Gills says Keith is just a substitute teacher, since they were hired by Lamb. He notes that if Keith does this, everyone will quit, but Keith doesn’t care. Gills turns out to be wrong, as no one joins him in walking out. Veronica, Rashad, and Sabirah head to Derrick’s house, where Veronica threatens to send Derrick back to jail. Derrick doesn’t care because his brother is in a wheelchair and Rashad’s family gets to spit on America. Rashad tells him that everyone in America came from somewhere else, and everyone there deserves to get a fair shot, which is what Derrick’s brother was fighting for in Iraq. Derrick still doesn’t care, so Veronica starts to call the police. Rashad stops her, saying that he thinks Derrick will leave them alone, and he’s glad he got to talk to him. Sabirah asks Rashad to apply his own words to Amira and give Jason a chance. As for Nasir, he didn’t break any laws and Rashad supports his right to free speech, but he doesn’t want to shelter him anymore. Not longer after, INS agents grab Nasir at the restaurant and bust him for being in the country on an expired student visa. At home that night, Veronica learns that Wallace and Piz have bailed on her and are going to the party without her. Keith says he’s sorry that she’s had to deal with him being the sheriff, but she doesn’t mind. She’s also sorry about the IDs and promises to use her powers for good from now on.
At the Neptune Grand, Veronica and Dick wind up in an elevator together on the way to the party. She likes his idea of drinking for courage and snags a sip from his flask. When they arrive at the party, Veronica and Mac grab a couch together and are joined by Max (last seen in “Poughkeepsie, Tramps, and Thieves”), who meets Mac for the first time. Veronica confronts Piz and Wallace for ditching her, but she quickly learns that it’s because they’ve brought Miranda along. Dick meets his first MySpace girl, Lisa, then spots the other and rushes over to see her. Logan brings in Parker’s cake, which has a picture of both of them on it. Dick tries to juggle his two dates, but they meet up; however, they don’t seem to care that they have to share him. Parker thanks Veronica for being so mature about the situation. Veronica says that she’s never seen Logan like this and she’s happy for them. Of course, she winds up with a piece of cake with Logan’s face on it. In the meantime, Max and Mac hit it off as Mac shares stories of the events of “Like a Virgin.” Logan finds Veronica and she wonders how he has so many friends when he doesn’t like anyone. He admits that he was steeling himself to see Veronica with another guy, but she says all the okay ones were taken.
Max tells Mac about his “study guide” business and asks if his friends hired her to talk to him. Logan sends a not-that-appealing guy over to talk to Veronica, then learns that Dick’s two girls both want to hook up with him. First, though, he has to go find an ice bucket, and when he does, the girls, who happen to be friends, blast him for playing both of them, then lock him in the room with the ice dispenser. Veronica heads over to Piz, trying to get him to pretend that they’re together so that the not-that-appealing guy will leave her alone. He plays along, even though this pretty much ruins his chances with Miranda. Wallace pulls Veronica aside and blasts her for being cruel to Piz by playing with his heart. She claims that she had no idea he had a crush on her. Veronica takes Piz out to the balcony and apologizes for leading him on, but he decides that now is as good a time as any to go all in by kissing her. He starts to leave and Veronica goes after him, seemingly realizing that he might be a good guy for her after all. Too bad that when they kiss again, Logan gets an eyeful.
THE TITLE IS A PLAY ON...: The movie American Graffiti.
MEMORABLE QUOTES: Logan: “I was studying up; I watched My Super Sweet 16. Which reminds me, you don’t know where I can get a dozen eunuchs, do you?”
“Most of the campus-area bars are pretty lax. …From what I’ve heard, ‘cause the only buckets I order come in original and extra crispy.” - Veronica to Keith
Veronica: “I’m considering pursuing a career at the FBI.”
Mac: “It just takes me back to high school. Remember, Logan? We stood at the same lunch table and made fun of all the fat kids.”
Veronica: “What do you say I swing by your place early, and you hit me on the head with a hammer a couple times before we go?”
Wallace: “I thought you were going to Yoyo Taco on Saturday.”
Piz: (re: a fake ID) “This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.”
Veronica voiceover: “Things I’d rather do than attend this party solo: Seven Minutes in Heaven with Scott Peterson….”
Dick: “You came. Good for you. Thought something like this would be unbelievably awkward.”
Written by Robert Hull; directed by John T. Kretchmer
Veronica: “Not offhand. I could make some calls.”
Ronald: “You’re a girl.”
Mrs. Hills: “Ronald.”
Veronica: “Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency?”
Ronald: “So?”
Veronica: “Well put, Ronald. We need firemen, too.”
Logan: “I’m sorry. We went to the same high school?”
Mac: “Uh, yeah. We ran over that fisherman and promised to take the secret to our graves.”
Logan: “I remember the fisherman.”
Mac: “Remember? You bet your friends you could turn me into a super-hot prom date as a joke, but you ended up falling in love with me.”
Logan: “Nope. Lost it.”
Mac: “Not that I wouldn’t love to finally cross that off my to-do list…”
Piz: “Yo La Tengo.”
Keith: “Yes. It is.”
Wallace: “Biggie Smalls? We don’t really all look alike, Mr. Mars.”
Keith: “I know that, Wallace. Now, let’s go out and get our drink on.”
Dick: “Hold the door!”
Veronica voiceover: “Ride the space elevator with Dick….”
Veronica: “Your fly’s open.”
Dick: “I know. Party ritual.”