"The B%$@# is Back"
Written by Rob Thomas and Diane Ruggiero; directed by Michael Fields

Logan has just arrived at Mars Investigations to tell Veronica about the sex tape featuring her and Piz (see “Weevils Wobble But They Don’t Go Down”). As she watches the door to make sure Keith isn’t nearby, she tells him they haven’t had sex yet, so there’s no way there could be a video out there like that. Veronica thinks Logan is crazy until he gives her a disk with the video on it. She notices his bruises and asks what happened. He admits that he and Piz got into a fight, adding that he knew Veronica wouldn’t let Piz tape them together like that. Veronica tells him to go away, but he says he was just trying to help. Keith emerges and Veronica tries to compose herself. After he leaves, she watches the video, horrified. She heads to Piz and Wallace’s room, where the two are just arriving. Wallace is upset that Piz was ambushed. Piz isn’t even sure why Logan attacked him; he thinks it’s because of what happened at the beach, and that Logan still likes Veronica. She tells him about the video and asks if he set up a camera and then forgot to mention it. He didn’t, of course. Wallace starts to head off to confront Logan, but Veronica tells him she’ll handle it. Parker shows up at the Neptune Grand and blasts Logan for beating up Piz. She tells him she’s an idiot for thinking that she could mean something to him when he’s obviously still in love with Veronica. Logan tells her about the video, but she doesn’t think that changes anything. She tells him they’re through.

As Parker leaves, she runs into Veronica and tells her, “He’s all yours.” Dick starts to leave to give Veronica and Logan some privacy, but she wants to talk to him, too. Veronica tells Logan that Piz didn’t tape them together, but Logan doesn’t believe it. She adds that it’s not Logan’s business anyway, though he reminds her that they were going to try to be friends. “Someone’s always supposed to pay, right? Isn’t that the rule we live by?” he says. She tells him that trying to be friends didn’t work, so she’s cutting him out of her life. Veronica then goes after Dick, who tells her that she should be happy about the tape because she looked great on it. Veronica demands to know where the video came from, and since it was e-mailed to him, she wants to see his computer. It turns out the video came from Chip (and the subject line was “Emission to Mars”). Dick also forwarded the video to everyone in his address book, which he says was instinctual. “You are going to be so popular in Hell,” Veronica predicts. Back on campus, Weevil tracks Veronica down and she asks him to shiv her to put her out of her misery. He offers to help her out if she needs it. Veronica heads to the food court, where everyone seems to recognize her and she notes that it’s like she’s back in high school. She finds Chip and asks him who sent him the video; he claims not to know or care. She warns that he’ll definitely care once her plan for revenge is put in motion. He decides it’s best to offer up some information and tells her he got the video from a guy named Domonick.

Veronica quickly tracks down Domonick and asks about the video. He says he doesn’t know where it came from, she so tells him she can just assume he was the person who made it. He’s still not helpful, so she gets revenge by messing with his credit card and having Weevil steal his car tires. When he comes back to his dorm room that night, he finds Veronica waiting for him, singing Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day.” Domonick gives in, telling her the video came from a guy named Gory. She tracks him down next and asks him if he planted the camera in Piz and Wallace’s room. He asks what she thinks she can do about it and she encourages him to ask Domonick that question. Gory makes it clear that he’s not intimidated, telling Veronica to get a lawyer if she thinks she can do anything to him. Veronica heads back to Wallace and Piz’s room, where Piz tells her that he thinks a welt under his eye looks like the Virgin Mary. Suddenly Veronica hears Gory (through a bug she obviously planted) saying that the pledges are picking up their instructions at a newspaper stand. Veronica asks Piz if any frats do a late spring rush, but he doesn’t think so. The next day, Veronica stakes out the newsstand and photographs guys taking copies of the Hearst paper from a newspaper box. One of them is Wallace, who tries to sidestep around the reason he’s there. Before Veronica can ask too many questions, her phone rings and someone requests something of her that she finds surprising.

Wallace goes to class, where his professor gives him an envelope someone left taped to the front door of his house. Veronica goes to the sheriff’s department with a new uniform for Keith, who’s spilled something on his clothes just before a photo op for the newspaper. She’s sure that the election will go well and everyone will wind up happy. Later, Wallace goes to the Mars residence and asks Veronica if she knows about the Castle. It’s Hearst’s secret society, and they’ve asked him to join. He also thinks the Castle has something to do with the sex tape. Wallace explains that a couple of days ago a girl called wanting to hang out with him, but he brushed her off, telling her he had to go to a professor’s house. That same professor gave him an envelope containing a message from the Castle, who knew where he was supposed to be. He thinks they used the same device to bug Wallace that they used to tape Piz and Veronica. Veronica asks for names of people involved, but Wallace doesn’t know any because everything is done through messages delivered by people who aren’t even in the Castle. He’s ready to drop out of the process, but Veronica asks if he wouldn’t mind sticking with it to help her out. He’s willing to stay in and use a pen containing a camera to get photos of the people in the Castle. Wallace tells Veronica that when he first got tapped for the Castle, he did some research; there wasn’t much info available, but he did find an exposé. The author is Nish, who tells Veronica the little she knows about the Castle - the members are treated like celebrities, and they’re all the best of the best. However, no one knows who they are.

Wallace gets a ride to the Castle from a guy in black who makes him get in the trunk. Veronica tails them and they end up at a warehouse. Wallace is sent to a room where he’s called Three by a synthesized voice and told to strip and sit in front of a camera. As he hears someone scream over a speak, he’s told to put on a collar, then informed that what he does next will affect his future: “All you have to do is tell the truth and the world will be at your feet.” The voice continues that there are no secrets in the Castle because it keeps everyone honest. If Wallace lies, one of his fellow pledges will be punished. The voice asks Wallace to talk about what happened with Rashard (see “Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle”). After the story is out, the voice declares that Wallace’s father committed a crime for him. Wallace says yes, then gets a shock from his collar. The voice explains that though Wallace told the truth, he was shocked because one of the other pledges lied. The voice then asks what Wallace was carrying in his pocket when he came in. Wallace says it was just a pen, but the voice doesn’t believe him. Later, Wallace stumbles out of the warehouse and finds Veronica waiting for him. She tells him that if he ever needs a vital organ, she’s all over it. He tells her he refused to talk after he said the pen was a pen, then heard a scream. However, he thinks he knows who one of the other pledges is - Wallace was called Three, his basketball number, but the voice accidentally called him 2400 once, which must refer to a freshman who got a perfect score on his SATs. Veronica thinks following him will lead her to the Castle.

Veronica spots Domonick at the food court, and he seems to finally be afraid of her. Some guy starts bugging her about the tape and she prepares to use her taser on him, but Piz talks her out of it, saying that karma will get revenge for her. At the Neptune Grand, Dick congratulates Logan on his pounding of Piz, but Logan says he guesses Piz didn’t make the video after all. Dick thinks random poundings keep people in line anyway, so it wasn’t a bad thing. Veronica follows “2400” to a huge estate, where the pledges are arriving for a black-tie event. She scales a wall to get to the house and take pictures, but it’s still not good enough, so she crawls through a doggy door. Inside the house, she comes face to face with a huge portrait of Lilly. Hearing voices, Veronica runs off to hide just as Jake (last seen in “Leave it to Beaver”) rounds the corner with Gory, talking about Wallace’s camera pen. After the leave, Veronica does some more snooping and sees a large portrait of Duncan. The next day, Keith has arrived as Jake has figured out that his computer hard drive has disappeared. He tells Keith it was the most valuable item in the house because it contains a bunch of programming. Keith is surprised that there isn’t a better security system on the house. Wiedman (last seen in “Rat Saw God”) arrives and announces that it’s on its way. Keith spots a snagged thread on the doggy door and guesses that the thief came in through it. “Looking at a tiny thief,” Wiedman comments.

Keith goes next door, where the neighbor has security cameras, and spots Veronica scaling the wall to get to the house. He quickly takes the neighbor’s DVR as evidence. One of the security guards is Gills (see “Un-American Graffiti”), who won’t give Keith any help. On campus, Veronica asks Mac for help with cracking the password to Jake’s hard drive, but Mac lets her know that it’s a bigger job than she can handle with her own computer. However, there’s a computer on campus that could provide some help. At the Mars residence, Keith tears through Veronica’s room, finding the sweater that left the snagged thread in the doggy door. As Wiedman checks with Gills about a license plate, then goes to talk to the neighbor about Keith’s visit, Weevil lets Mac and Veronica in the room that holds the computer Mac needs. At home, Veronica finds her room torn apart, and Keith confronts her about what she knows about the break-in at Jake’s house. Veronica keeps quiet about what she knows, but Keith tells her that if she’s in trouble, she needs to tell him. She decides it’s better not to come clean or her father may never look at her the same way again. At Jake’s, Wiedman fills his boss in on Veronica’s actions. Jake orders him to get the hard drive back and basically get rid of Veronica, but Wiedman cautions that that’s not the best idea. Instead, Jake races over to the sheriff’s department, interrupting Keith’s interview with the newspaper so he can accuse Veronica of breaking into his house. Redding, the county prosecutor, asks Keith to turn over the DVR with the surveillance footage. Keith won’t do it until a judge orders it.

Veronica ignores a call from Keith, then tells Mac they don’t have much time left because a class will be coming in soon. Keith leaves Veronica a voicemail message warning that things are getting bad and he needs to talk to her. He then goes to the evidence room and degausses the DVR. Just then, the password is cracked and Veronica receives the names of everyone in the Castle. Keith receives the judge’s order and asks Leo to get the DVR from the evidence room. Veronica and Mac look over the Castle info, which contains 30 years’ worth of confessions and secrets (including Gory’s admission of watching his father and uncle dismember someone). Veronica decides to leave that one alone. She then finds Nish and turns everything over to her. Logan tracks Veronica down at the food court, but she doesn’t want to talk to him or listen to his apology. Gory approaches, returning Veronica’s bug, and starts taunting her. Logan wants to go after him, but Veronica warns that he’s dangerous to anger because of his connections. He apologizes again, then starts beating on Gory, wondering if Veronica wants an apology from him, too. She’d really just like to get her pen back. Piz arrives and Logan apologizes to him as well. Veronica takes the hard drive back to Jake’s house, where Wiedman answers the door because he “like[s] to deal with the miscreants personally.” Jake tells Veronica he’s going to call Keith to come arrest her, but she threatens to make everything public if he does. She’ll keep quiet as long as they leave Keith out of it, but Jake tells her it’s too late for that. At home, she finds Keith making dinner and tells him she loves him. The next morning, she reads about the evidence tampering in the newspaper, then goes to vote for her father.

THE TITLE IS A PLAY ON...: The Elton John song of the same name.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “It’s like you’re this giant jacka%$ piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you.” - Veronica to Dick

“After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note.” - Veronica to Dick

Veronica: “Moment of your time?”
Chip: “I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
Veronica: “It’s a cluster of morons. Don’t worry. They’ll let you back in.”

Keith: “I want to return the sheriff’s department to a place where everyone, regardless of zip code, gets a fair shake.”
Jill: “Your opponent says he wants to be sheriff because he always wanted to wear a badge.”
Keith: “I’m excited about that as well.”

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