"Gay Witch Hunt"
Written by Greg Daniels; directed by Ken Kwapis

Dwight clips his fingernails at his desk and blows the clippings onto Jim’s desk, which is now Ryan’s, as he now has Jim’s job. Pam glances over and flashes back to the end of “Casino Night,” then the aftermath, where Pam commented that she and Jim were both drunk. Jim started to kiss Pam again, but she stopped him. He asked if she was really going to marry Roy, and Pam nodded so Jim walked away. In the present, Dwight gives a weepy interview about missing Jim, then says that’s not true. In Michael’s office, Toby chastises Michael for using gay slurs. Oscar has been especially upset because he’s gay. Michael thinks Toby is joking and takes a minute to get that he’s telling the truth. Michael interviews that if he’d known Oscar was gay, he would have never used any gay slurs. He approaches Oscar and apologizes, noting that he’s used gay slurs since high school and has never made the mistake of using one with someone who was actually gay. Oscar wants to keep quiet but Kevin and Angela have already overheard. Kevin giggles and Angela interviews that this explains a lot. Oscar denies in an interview that he’s gay, then finally admits it. Kevin just keeps laughing.

In Stamford, Jim interviews that he transferred because he got a promotion. A coworker named Andy (Ed Helms) calls him Big Tuna and warns him against dating a hot woman in the office because she’s crazy. Jim explains the nickname in an interview - he ate a tuna sandwich on his first day and Andy started calling him Big Tuna. He’s not sure anyone in the office knows his real name. Still calling Jim Big Tuna, Andy interviews that Jim is very ambitious and will cut throats to get ahead. However, Andy isn’t threatened because he went to Cornell, graduating in four years despite being drunk the whole time. He also sang in an a capella group called Here Comes Treble. In the conference room, Josh (see “Valentine’s Day”) announces that they’ll have to do a refresher of the diversity policy at the end of the day, thanks to some problems at the Scranton branch. He also needs someone to call some business startups, a task Jim volunteers to take on. Another employee, Karen Filippelli (Rashida Jones), interviews that Jim is nice but she’s not sure how he’s fitting. Also, he keeps giving the camera weird looks.

Michael and Dwight look out at everyone from Michael’s office, wondering if they can tell who’s gay. Dwight doesn’t think Oscar is, since he’s not wearing women’s clothes. Michael wants to know who’s gay so he doesn’t offend anyone else. Dwight notes that he could just assume everyone’s gay and not say anything offensive, but Michael doesn’t think people would appreciate him treating them all like they’re gay. He wonders if Angela is a lesbian, since she’s “hard and severe,” but Dwight calmly says he doesn’t think so. Michael says he can imagine her with another woman. Dwight can, too, and he likes what he sees. Michael tells him to do some research and find out if there’s a way to tell someone is gay just by looking at him or her. Dwight remembers Jim telling him that you can buy gaydar online, so they call him to get more information. Jim plays along and pretends to look at Sharper Image’s website, then reports that they’re sold out. Dwight suggests trying Brookstone instead. “I miss that,” Jim remarks.

Roy brings Pam lunch, giving her a choice between chicken and fish. They eat together quietly as the camera shows that Pam isn’t wearing any rings. She explains in an interview that the wedding didn’t happen. However, she and Roy had to pay for all the food, so she has lunch for the next five weeks, as well as her own apartment, and she’s taking art classes. Roy interviews that after he and Pam broke up, he let himself go and wound up getting a DUI. Now he’s trying to get himself together in order to win Pam back. Stanley interviews that he bought Roy and Pam a toaster for their wedding, but they didn’t get married, so now he has two toasters. Kelly tells Oscar that she thinks it’s cool that he’s gay. Oscar sarcastically interviews that it’s obviously cool. Angela uses hand sanitizer and interviews that she sometimes watches Will and Grace but it makes her sick (except when Harry Connick, Jr. is on). Meredith grabs Angela’s hand sanitizer, checks the alcohol content, and takes a lick. In Stamford, Andy discovers that someone has put his calculator in some Jell-o (see the pilot) and proceeds to throw a fit.

Jan arrives and blasts Michael for being insensitive. Toby notes that Michael outed Oscar and now he feels like he’s being discriminated against. Michael announces that he thinks Angela might be gay and wonders if she and Oscar are having a “gay affair.” Jay tells him he’s being immature and could invite a lawsuit. Later, Oscar asks Michael if he’s the first gay guy Michael has ever known. Michael thinks it’s a trick question, since you can’t always tell who’s gay. Pam interrupts and tells Michael that Dwight is looking at gay porn on his computer. Dwight says Michael knows, since he asked Dwight to do this for him. Michael tries to see the beauty in gay porn, but Oscar starts to leave, accidentally bumping into Angela, who tells him not to touch her. Dwight starts to attack Oscar, but Michael calls everyone into the conference room. He announces that they’re all homos (homo sapiens, that is) and Pam grins at Ryan, who’s not as good at reactions as Jim is. Michael gives Oscar the opportunity to officially come out, and Oscar does so, only surprising Meredith. Creed interviews that homosexuality doesn’t offend him - in the ‘60s, he had sex with a lot of women in the rain and mud, and it’s possible a man could have slipped in there at one point.

Dwight suggests that all of the other gay people in the office identify themselves, or else Dwight will do it for them. Oscar says no one else in the office is gay, but Dwight thinks Phyllis might be. Phyllis takes the opportunity to announce that she and Bob Vance are engaged. “See? Everybody has a chance,” Michael says. He asks if Phyllis ever experimented in college, and Phyllis says she didn’t and that Michael knew her in high school. In fact, everyone at their high school thought Michael was gay because he dressed so well. He hates this idea and Oscar notes that he seems defensive. Michael says he’s “coming out hetero.” Oscar thinks Michael is causing trouble in the office by sending mixed signals about Oscar being there. Michael claims that the only signal he’s sending is “gay good.” He adds that if he were gay, he would be the most flamboyant person ever. Oscar announces to Toby that he doesn’t think he can work there anymore, then starts to leave. Michael stops him and says that he’ll put his money where his mouth is - he’ll embrace Oscar. He tries to do so over Oscar’s protests, but Oscar eventually has had enough and tells him he doesn’t want to touch Michael because he’s ignorant, insulting, and small.

After a minute, Oscar realizes he’s hurt Michael’s feelings and apologizes. Michael apologizes as well, crying and saying Oscar is a good guy. Dwight looks on and interviews that Michael appears to be gay, too, but is Dwight’s friend, so that must mean that Dwight does have a gay friend. In the conference room, Michael says he’s going to raise the stakes. As everyone looks on in various stages of shock, Michael slowly leans in and kisses Oscar. Kelly applauds but everyone else shocked and/or grossed out. Dwight tries to kiss Oscar as well but only plants one on his cheek. At the end of the day, Oscar is the first out of the office as Michael interviews that maybe love is supposed to break all the rules. In Stamford, the employees undergo diversity training, which is nowhere near as interesting as it was in “Diversity Day.” Michael gets ready to leave work and spots Oscar’s “roommate,” Gil (see “The Secret”), picking him up. “I wonder if he knows,” he muses. Later, Dwight receives a package from Jim with the note, “Hope this helps.” It’s a metal detector Jim has redecorated so it looks like it detects homosexuality. Dwight is pleased when it beeps near Oscar, then confused when it goes off near his own body.

WELCOME TO DUNDER MIFFLIN: Andy, Karen

PRANKS JIM AND PAM PLAY ON DWIGHT: Jim keeps up an old story he told Dwight about being able to buy gaydar online.

MEMORABLE QUOTES: “Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s, uh, old job. Which means at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say, ‘Ryan Howard is a temp.’ It will say, ‘Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.’ That’ll show ‘em.” - Ryan

Dwight: “Jim told me you could by gaydar online.”
Michael: “That’s ridiculous.”
Dwight: “Yeah, probably. He didn’t tell the truth a lot.”
Michael: “Let’s call him and get the website.”

“Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.” - Oscar

“The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.” - Michael

Michael: “Gay marriage currently is not legal under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed, monkey sex. As much as they could. You know, that sounds pretty good, right?”
Kevin: “That sounds great.”


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